DON'T BE A LONELY HEART AT CHRISTMAS!!!

Kerensa “Twiggy” Ellis (29) is a sweet affectionate girl and the only child of “Scrammy Ass” and Doris Ellis of Colinsey Road, Penzance. Kerensa, who has inherited her father’s unfortunate problem, is pictured here two months before receiving the electronic tag she now has to wear for one year.

Having badly damaged her previous boyfriend in what she terms a ‘punishment squashing’,"’cos ee wuz lookin’ at other maids”, she is now looking for a new love in her life.

One unfortunate result of her evening curfew is that she has lost her job as female nightclub bouncer. “I ‘ad to make sure they scrubbers didn’t get too pissed up and cause no trouble. If they did, I give’ m a quick squashing to sort ‘n out!”

Kerensa’s psychiatrist says that he is sure that she has a tender side but warns young suitors to make a very gentle start in trying to locate it. BOX 564

Doreen Hottartt (39) is a specialist stilt ballet instructress from up Pendeen, working, as her job title might imply, with vertically challenged people. Although her photo doesn’t show it, Doreen is 7ft 6 ins tall and so she is looking for a tall man.

As she says herself “No use lookin’ up Pendeen. Tallest one up ‘ere is Lofty Penrose and ee’s oney 6ft 5ins – a bleddy shortass compared to me!”

Doreen can play the piano and always has TWO clean pairs of underwear on her, in case of accident. She is proud of her own saffron cake and bakes pasties three times a week. Vanity prevents this charming treasure of a young woman from wearing her hearing aid, and so suitors are asked to speak up or learn sign language. BOX 782

Angelina Jolie-Smut is a cute little 89 year old from Ludgvan. With 5 husbands behind her, Angie is unlikely to be coy on her first new date. As she says, “70 year ago, I used to kep the boys waitin’ fer at leas’ 2 days. Neow, I aren’t gunn fart roun’ – I may not be ‘ere tomorrow!” Consequently she guarantees that any young blade (and only those between the ages of 18 and 29 may apply!) will strike lucky first night.

Angie says that all her bottom teeth are her own and she “d’like t’be partikler about ‘ealth. I duh ‘ave a bath very Febree – ready fer the Spring!” BOX 938

Chris (from Badgers Cross and just 32) is looking for love. Chris is one of those ‘special’ people. So special in fact that Chris’s mum called her child Chris to cover all eventualities. Chris is now 32 and still no one is sure. However, who cares?

Chris has a full-time job as back-up for all the automatic milking machines in West Penwith.

Accordingly, Chris has a moped that goes with the job. Chris will be allowed to use this vehicle to meet anyone – man or woman – who wishes to get to know Chris better.

Sunday paper reporters are not welcome. BOX 481

Clive Stunk (41) is an unemployed ‘large cat trainer’ from Ponsanooth. As he has not been able to find employment opportunities in West Penwith in his chosen profession, because of the total absence of ‘large cats’, he has scratched a living shooting vermin and lost emmets for farmers in the vicinity.

Clive has been solitary largely through shyness. After prolonged treatment to cure him of his close attachment to his favourite tree (which was “cruelly” cut down), Clive would now like to explore relationships with others (people, not trees).

Clive lives in a grove of trees in Sancreed. He owns nothing but a fresh leotard and loves to live ‘au naturel’. He is interested in contact from females (preferably, but not necessarily, women - females from other species might be acceptable). BOX 664

Daniel White-Eye (53), who lives in a bin near Crows-an-Wra, is a champion of equal rights for ex mental patients.

He has battled incontinence – and he claims, with an unnerving chuckle, “in continents unknown” -- and has emerged as ‘a real catch’ "for some woman who idn' too partuklar – which is good as I aren’t particular nether!” BOX720

“Maids ahoy!!!” Watch out girls, because Mammie’s boy Madron Tregear (20) is now back ‘ere!!

Now that her son, Madron, has returned from his six months stay with the International Sea Scouts at their boys only camp in Castro, San Francisco, mawther is keen for him to meet some girls and is willing to pay “any decent maid, who idn' too gobby to g’wout wid’un”. Applicants must be female – of any age – who enjoy a challenge in a man and who yearn to do washing and ironing, darning socks, baking pasties and cakes. BOX 448

CELEBRITIES SPEAK OUT AGAINST THE NEW UNITARY AUTHORITY!

The Cartwrights of BONANZA (the hit Relubbus TV programme) – Ben, Adam, Hoss and Little Joe -- will be at the Wimpy Bar in Market Jew Street, Penzance next Monday between 10.00 am and 12.00 noon to sign autographs of their new book “5,456 reasons to oppose the Unitary Authority in Truro”.

The Cartwrights, who bought a ranch out near St Buryan back in 1964, are aid to be "mighty displeased" about the introduction of the Unitary Authority.

Ben Cartwright said that he had felt very well served by Penwith District Council, which offered a realistically local level of interaction between Council and people. The way things were going they might just have to saddle up and head out to Truro for a shoot-out with Lavery, the new Sheriff they do not like.

An alternative action would be to remove to the remit of the Greater Rubbus Urban Council (GRUC), which is led by the inspired leader, Billy Spargo (105).

Ernest Hemingway is usually reported as having sadly taken his own life in 1961. However, there are people in Morvah, who maintain that this is simply not so.

Now reportedly a reclusive but still very active writer living on the outskirts of Morvah, Hemingway is said to have produced several new books.

Amongst them are “To have a Unitary Authority and to have not Unity”, “The Bell Tolls for the Unitary Authority” and “A Farewell to the Unitary Authority.”

Meanwhile, in Urbs Relubbana, the miraculously surviving Roman colony in Cornwall, another mighty voice is raised – no less than that of Marcus Porcius Cato Uticensis. Once believed to have died long ago in 46 BC, this tenacious old man is in fact apparently still holding on in Urbs Relubbana.

After a distinguished career as a Stoic philosopher, politician and statesman, he is now working as a tour guide in the Roman colony and is said to be doing very well on it too.

In a surprise announcement he said, “Lavery non est probus. Lavery scelestus est!” This is believed to be a reference to the super-generous remuneration paid to the CEO of the new Cornwall Council, who earns more than the Prime Minister of Britannia. Cato is also believed to be angered that the will of Cornish voters was ignored.

Enjoying a posthumous holiday in St Buryan, great American comedienne and actress Lucille Ball, a mere 20 years dead, has been seen dallying with killer West Cornwall Lothario, Dan Kernow, deceased Penzance fish shop owner, in and around Penzance.

The happy couple have been spotted in Morrison’s, the Penzance Bookshop, the Exchange, Morrab Library, the Alexandra Inn (5 nights running) and even in the famed Diw Vowes lesbian guest house.

Lucille, once her lips could be prised from Stan’s limpet kiss, said, “This Unitary Council is a complete disaster and travesty of democracy!”

Fresh from their recent triumph at the Relubbus Panopticon Theatre, Pinky and Perky, the much-loved porcine pair who now have a love-nest in Gurnards Head, the gay (yes, their closely-guarded secret is now out!) piggy capital of Cornwall, also found time to express their outrage about the undemocratic process which led to the introduction of a Unitary Authority above the expressed will of the Cornish people.

Said a trembling Perky (on the left of the picture), “I know of no one – be they human or porcine – who actually voted for a Unitary Authority. It has taken decision-making away from the people at local level. It gives folks nothing and is about as helpful as me voting for pork pies!”

The Roundup will report on further celebrity interest in this matter, as it arises.