LOOKING FOR LOVE IN WEST PENWITH

The Roundup believes that there is a lid for every saucepan - however bent - and we pride ourselves on being able to bring together those made for each other.

Is there a voice calling for me?  Violet Pender, who has shot to fame and the top of the table in the West Cornish Parlour Song charts (according to the latest figures released by Marshall James's Sheet Music and Record Shop) has received distant adoration from many for her haunting baritone rendition of "Somewhere a voice is calling".

However, sadly this paragon of pulchritude is herself still looking for love.  Before she commenced her singing career, she was a fulltime self-employed used coin collector, operating out of pockets all over West Penwith.   At 36 and still unmarried, she is averse to all types of shelving and has developed a full social life with a keen interest in jigsaw and crossword puzzles, sudoku, crotch stitch and patience.

She would like to start a family and is still hoping that the 'right sort of man' will come along.  He will be hygienic, over 5 feet tall, have nearly all his own teeth and an income of well over £100k.  Are you calling for her?  Box 1

Ambrose Angwin (29) is a self-trained dentist from Botallack with ambitions to 'tekk ovver' the dental market in Greater Pendeen.  He has been out with a number of women, but is restricted in his choice in that he will only contemplate a relationship with a woman whose name begins with 'Z'. "Tha'sowheneye duh give she a card err a present, Ikkun say iss from A tuh Z!", insists this hopeless romantic.  He has so far found a Zena and a Zelda.  He likes to think of himself as an easy-going jovial sort of guy - someone it is fun to be around.

With as yet very few patients, he makes up his money by working as a mortician's assistant, as he jokes that this way he gets to see his patients again.  He is an accomplished exponent of what he terms 'the silent violin' - an equivalent of the air guitar.  Are you the one, whose name begins with 'Z"?  Box 2

Trainee Assistant hairdresser at a famous St Just salon, which we must not mention here, Andrea Cargeeg is a 21-year-old lovely, having come thirteenth three times running in the Sancreed Miss Beautiful Bespectacled Amputee contest.

Andrea is of a shy and retiring nature, much preferring to communicate with a nod, a shake of the head or a smile, or indeed any gesture which gets her out of having to talk.

Andrea has not had any boyfriends - or indeed any friends - yet.  She would like to start things off very quietly, perhaps over a coffee in the Wimpy bar, Penzance, although you might find yourself having to do all the talking for the first few months.  So, fancy a chat?  Box 3

Experimental, but incontinent, couple are looking for same in the Goldsithney area, both to explore mutual pleasures as well as to swap stories about the thrills and spills of incontinence.  Roger and Maude are a old-fashioned couple in their late twenties, who live together in Maude's mother's garden shed, which has been kitted out to a high specification, including a new tin roof and an electric light.  So they have plenty of private space in which to entertain, provided that people go in in the right order and do not wish to turn around.

Maude is able to conjure up a real feast on the ring burner or, if they are out of gas, can make a nice fish paste sandwich for all to share.

So if you are a broad-minded couple who have left the teenage pad and want to move into Tena pads, Rog and Maudie would like to hear from you.  Box 4

Come play with me!!  Doris Botheras is a young Entrepreneur of the Year from Botallack.  She set up her own business as a car crusher last year, when she decided to turn her 35 stone into a means of earning hard cash.  "I wuz sittinonna fortune!", she says.

Totally unshy about her weight, which she keeps up on a diet of several lard pasties each meal, she is a self-appointed champion of the obese and vehemently opposes the institutional 'weightism'  of the NHS Nazis, whom she accuses of being blatantly 'fattist'.

Doris believes that fat is a lifestyle choice.  If that is your view too and you would like to get to know Doris and find out how she keeps the lard filling from melting in the pasty, then Box 5 is the one for you!

ROMANTIC RELUBBUS

With a new format for our famous Lonely Hearts Section.!!!

Rodney Tregear, a 34 year old bachelor, who lives in the conservatory of his remarried sister's house at Rosudgeon, has volunteered to run the Roundup's new Lonely Hearts Section.

As he says, "I bin 'ppylin' fer maids 'ere fer years and I duh knaw pzackly what people duh need to knaw.  I set 'n up 'ere neow proper fer other people to use like."

The following young folk are looking for love and are hopjng that when you see their picture and read their words according to Rodney's inspired new format, you will want to find out more......

Nehm: Jasper Nancarrow

'Ow old izza: 29

Zatooa (as in "Wherza  too ah?"): Ovver  Marazion wi' Ma'.   Faither passed on years ago.

Dooa: (as in Wassadooa?"): Fart Collector fer the council

Skills: 'Andy with a bicycle repair kit and duh play armonikee sum luvely!

Lookin' fer: ''Ansome Cornish maid 'tween 16 and 108, what duh mek a proper pasty like Ma do. I'm ptiklar 'bout my 'air and would like fer she to be 'airdresser too, if possible. - maybe one o' they li'l maids from Shelley's up St Just..  Ma would like gat too.  I duh clect dead seabirds and would luv to learm ow to stuff ovun proper - specially the older wans, what are neow 6 year old  and startin' to go off ( I got 432 out in the shed!!)"

Nehm: Mavis Tink

'Ow old izza: 17

Zatooa: Sancreed

Dooa: Nothin yet.  Lookin to become a mawther after Mr Addicoat's speshul afterskool lessuns wot I ad up t' Chrismas.

Skills: Ebbent got too many o they yet, but I'm only young yet

Lookin' fer:  "A nice man wi money to take care of me and the baby w'as on the way.  I duh dearly love kiddies and duh want t' ave lots more.  My dream is tuh 'ave a  professionul usbent like a doctor err a teacher err sumin like gat.  'Ow ever 's long as ee's young enuff t' ave kiddies, 's alright wi me.  Next month is bath month and that would be a nice time fer 'opeful men to come roun 'ere, speshully as I am 'opin' tuh gett new underwear then too, which I shall also wear as a blushin bride."


Nehm: Horton Kneebone

'Ow old izza:    38

Zatooa: Dolphin Inn, Newlyn

Dooa: Las' remaining artist o' the Newlyn School.  I duh paint and I duh get a bit pissed up neow an again, but `I duh paint sum lovely.  Las' year I sold 'nuff pictures to keep me in beer fer the rest o'the year.

Skills:  Paintin' o' course an' also decoratin' if I really 'ave to.

Lookin fer:  "I duh ideally wunt to 'ave a relationship wi' that maid oo knocked me ovver in Warrens las' week.  She was sum proper, boy - big girl!  But anyone, what duh look like she, 's alright wi' me.  She'd look like Dawn French do, 'cept not so pretty and maybe coupla sizes bigger.  I bleeve she said she' d work down Penlowarth."

Nehm: Clarence Clemo

'Ow old izza: young 62

Zatooa: Own caravan up Scorrier

Dooa:  I'm a freelance brain surgeon and carpet fitter.  Turn me 'and to anythin', I can.

Skills:  Scorrier record-holder for not going to toilet fer the longest (15 days - see photo!)

Lookin' fer: "Young lady 'oo will appreciate self-made young man o' means.  I duh share my 'ome wi my two older brothers, so would like a maid oo won't mind squeezin'up a bit."

5 YEARS AGO THIS WEEK

In the first of an occasional series, we reprint selected stories from our archives. How different Relubbus was just five years ago!

WEST CORNWALL IN SONG

The Reverend Bartholomew Peninula has been an advocate of the virtues of song for as long as he can remember. He has gathered singing talents from the lengths and breadths of Mouzel and environs to put together a ‘winning troupe’.

Pictured on the right of the Reverend gentleman are Mathew Laity (29) from Bologas, Martin Rodda (32) from Tresvennack, Davey Kneebone (41) from Chyenhal, Derek "Shortie" Semmens (37) from Trereife Smelting House, and Philadelpha Pentreath (71) from Kerris, sporting moustache and standing to the right.

The troupe will enter the West Cornwall singing contest with high hopes of getting through to the All-Cornwall event.




Little lost souls looking for a home

Just released from the Madron home for the criminally insane, Charlie Paynter and Madge Baragwaneth pictured here with their "cheeld" known as the "babby" are looking for a loving home in the West Cornwall area.

With several murders apiece, the deadly duo have caused something of a stir in a number of village communities. However, it is hoped that finding them a home in a larger community such as that of Penzance or Crows an Wra would provide the stability that these young folk need to keep them on the straight and narrow.

Offers of help from good Christian homes will be welcomed and should be addressed to the editor of the Roundup, who will forward them to the authorities.



Young "Woman" seeks position

Jemima Trevithal (24), formerly Michael Bollock, a granite quarryman from Rosecarne, is seeking a position as a lady’s maid to a lady of quality, preferably in the Penzance area.

Jemima describes herself as a realist with a cheerful disposition. "My maither d’say that I got winsome looks and oughtie ave been a young lady an I aren’t going to give up on my dream of being the best in the West as a lady’s maid."

Jemima is hopeful of being taken into a home of gentility, where she can further develop her feminine side to a point approaching some degree of credibility.

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If you have had to answer yes to any of these questions, then help is at last at hand! Thelonius Polweath-Bergamot's new Elixir promises you a new life!

The famous goatherd and alchemist, Thelonius Polweath-Bergamot (51), working from his eyrie at Mayon Green Crescent in Sennen, has, after many years, succeeded in perfecting a magic Elixir, which will take care of all these problems and more!

The ingredients of the elixir are, of course, a closely guarded secret, but Thelonius assures us that they are all distilled from naturally occurring substances found in the environs of Sennen and his goat compound. There is indeed a distinctly 'goatey' smell to the viscous brown fluid that is the elixir. (When quizzed by our Sennen reporter about the magic ingredients, Thelonius just gazed back from his mesmerisingly droopy eyes and said ...nothing.)

The cost of the Elixir is high at £195 for a 5 cl bottle but, as Thelonius says, "Wha's a few bob, when you're fixin' all they problems?"

Thelonius recommends a course of treatment at a bottle a day for fully seven years before the most difficult problems, such as ginger hair or no money, are completely vanquished.

Note: As the Roundup is keen to ensure that it takes advertising money only from bona fide traders - and from no charlatans - we would be happy to hear from anyone after their seven year course of treatment to assure us of the efficacy of Mr Polweath-Bergamot's Elixir.
Hanging by a thread..?

William Ladner (13), drummer of St Just Silver Band, has begun his annual fund-raising efforts for Comic Relief. William is suspended from a swinging trapeze secured only by the curve of his neck and the fervent hope that he will not drop to his death -- no safety net!

William intends to stay up -- without a break -- for 72 hours and all the while he will be playing drum solos, at 10 pence a time, as requested by the public.

Last year, William raised an astonishing 90 pence for good causes and he is determined to better that achievement this time round. William can be viewed -- hanging precariously -- at the Mousehole Methodist Youth Club from Thursday to Saturday.



Local Tycoon starts Charitable Foundation

Richard Quick, the West Cornwall building magnate, who is estimated to be worth some £35 million, has decided that it is time to share his wealth with the less advantaged in the community. He has started up a new charity called "Quick Money". The needy are requested to telephone the charity on an 0800 number and explain the nature of their need for cash. No call is expected to cost more than £4.50.

Tens of thousands of people are expected to call, since Mr Quick has promised to allot the lucky annual winner one of his homes on a holiday estate in Hayle.

When questioned by the West Cornwall Fraud Squad about certain flaws in the charitable nature of his new undertaking, Mr Quick brushed all criticisms aside with a flick of his cigarette, explaining that as long as someone benefited from the charity (possibly himself, in view of the volume of calls) no one was getting hurt.
Loopy Lesneweth is back in town!

Crowds gathered at the advance ticket office of the Sennen Picture House for the sell-out tour of the man they like to call Loopy Laughing Jack Lesnoweth of Lescudjack. The renowned petard amazes his audiences with his ability to blow out a candle at a distance of 35 feet by the sheer force of wind power. Loopy eats only baked beans and raw onions and likes to think that it is his rigid eating regime which keeps him on top of his game.

By day, Loopy works as a driver for St Erth Creamery. All his earnings from his evening entertainment work go to the Newlyn home for fallen Methodist young women, which explains why his act is strongly endorsed by the ministers of the St Just Methodist Circuit.

The Reverend Horton Bolitho commented that the Lord works in wondrous ways and stated that Loopy had been blessed by a divine wind.





Global Warming -- Watch Out!

Intrepid Cornish Inventor, Joseph Bodruggan from Copperhouse in Hayle, has done it again. Aware that the planet faces its greatest challenge in Global Warming, Joe has applied his restless mind to finding a practical solution.

The answer has come in the form of his "bikodrome". A skilled bike rider is balanced on the drum and peddles like mad. The drum turns, producing an electrical current, which can be made available to the National Grid. Joe’s plan is that every house should have a "bikodrome", powered by an illegal immigrant.

The Roundup is proud to have been able to bring you this story first -- before the Nationals.







Poetry Corner
Missus Ollis’s Cat
by a pupil of Lescudjack County Secondary School

Missus Ollis got a cat -- a ginger one -- called Timmy
I ad my eye on ee you see -- me and my mate, Jimmy.

She let n out jes after tea and we grabbed n as ee slinked past
We tied a banger to is tail and never seen n shift so fast.

Policeman Carne came after we, but we was bleddy smart
Ee walked up past where we was id -- laid still - we eard n fart.

But Missus Ollis tole my Ma and she then tole my Dad
Ee gived me ell and belted me - it never urt so bad.

I aren’t upset or nuthin -- tha’s jes the way it goes
I’ll get that bleddy cat again -- is no skin off my nose.

Philip Trudgeon (14)

Passed Ovver (Obituaries)

Welcome to the ever-popular "'Oo’s Dead?" section of the Roundup!

The first thing that some of our older readers do when they get their hands on their edition of the Roundup is to check up on who’s passed away. This month has seen the usual harvest of the Grim Reaper in the luscious lands of West Penwith and it is with great sadness that we convey the news that the following folk have gone to meet their maker:
Eliza Treloar (86), who lived most of her life as a man (Tommy Treloar, a building labourer with a penchant for sombreros), has died in the Barncoose psychiatric hospital for confused trans-sexuals.

Eliza, as she insisted on being known after her 66th year, had fathered a total of 62 children with 11 different mothers -- all over West Penwith. Amazingly, none of the mothers ever knew of or met any of the others. As he had been a jobbing labourer, it was always assumed that he was "away on a job" and never suspected that he could be away on the job.

Eliza continued working -- as a man -- until his 66th year, when he quit to apply for immediate admittance to the Barncoose hospital, where he swapped his sombrero for a flowing floral flamenco dress and castanets. He never left the hospital once and, when the mothers of his children separately found their way to the doors of the hospital, he denied all knowledge of both them and their children, screaming "I aren’t able to faither no children -- I’m a bleddy woman!"

The funeral will take place at Gluvias Street Methodist Church at 2.00 pm next Wednesday. Mourners will be welcome, but are asked to send no flowers. Instead they should feel free to contribute to the Treloar Abandoned Children’s Fund.

Isaac Trenery (45), a devoted amateur dramatist and much-loved local man, passed away quietly and most unexpectedly at home over the weekend. Mr Trenery worked on the Cheese counter at the Lower Co-op in Penzance since he left Heamoor School at the age of 15. He never married, despite his obvious popularity with the housewives, who were prepared to queue for hours to buy his cheese. He lived quietly at home with his mother and his pet gerbils, Cindy and Celandine. He discovered his dramatic bent rather late in life, becoming, at the invitation of a friend, a member of the West Cornwall Men’s Drama Group. Although he most often took girls’ parts, he did occasionally play men and is seen on the left in his favourite role of Macbeth in last year’s production at Nancledra.

Limpy Polglaze (67), owner of the popular Russian Revolutionary Shoe Shop in Bread Street, Penzance, passed away on Monday Night. Limpy leaves a widow, Agnes, and three adult children.

Limpy was a brilliant and colourful Penzance entrepreneur, who was always on the lookout to corner a market. He started his career by launching the Italian Operatic Fish and Chip Shop in Hayle. Tiring quickly, as he did, with every new idea, he moved on to his next "big opportunity" with the opening of Poseidon’s, his Underwater Bookshop, between Penzance Harbour and Battery Rocks. Losing interest in this venture (along with his entire stock and two staff members) following a bad winter storm, he began his theme of "big winners", a string of retail opportunities with different historical themes. Previous themes have included the Elizabethan Lavatory Company; the Tudor Television Company (featuring the world’s only entirely wooden TV set); Legionary’s, the Imperial Roman bakery and delicatessen; and also Atahuallpa’s, the Inca menswear company.

Limpy, a man unfazed by the fact that his left leg was a good four inches shorter than his right, was contented to the last. His funeral will take place at the Kiev-Pechersk Cave Monastery and afterwards (quite a bit afterwards) at the Truro Crematorium.

Dickie "Banjo" Trevains (54) passes on. Commuters from Penzance Railway station will have been familiar with the sight of Dickie Trevains and his banjo. With only one song in his repertoire, Dickie would go to the Station on his days off from work and pluck away enthusiastically at his banjo to accompany himself singing, in his falsetto voice, his Spice Girls’ favourite "Two become one".

Thought harmless until his unfortunate arrest some years back for exposing himself to passing schoolgirls, Dickie tried his best, despite his characteristic "toppest" top hat, to simply blend in with local society. He came to West Penwith at the age of 22 and worked for SWEB, then St Just Co-op, and finally Morrisons. Never marrying, he leaves his pet pig, Pauline, to the bacon counter at Morrisons.

LONELY HEARTS
The Roundup has been besieged by the unattached of West Penwith to offer an introduction facility. We are pleased to do so in this edition and hope that the young people featured here will soon find the partner of their dreams.

Looking for Love in Tredenneck
Lavinia Barnicoat (23) of Bosliven Lane, Tredinnick is looking for a man to complete her life. Lavinia lives at home with her widowed mother and works at the nearby Chynoweth farm as a labourer. Her interests are cross stitch, Sudoku, line dancing, making home-made candles, tormenting small animals, and music. Her passion is the jew’s harp, on which she can play the flight of the bumble bee at devastating speed. Her dream is to find a Prince Charming with whom she can share a life of luxury in a place like St Just, in a house with an inside toilet. Interested Romeos should reply to Box 3024.


In the mood for romance in Ludgvan

Amelia Lewellian (29) of Ludgvan is a catch for any young man. Only child of dairy farmer Ambrose Lewellian (78), she brings with her the warming prospect of the thriving farm in years to come. Close observers of her photograph will have noticed that, whilst Amelia has a fine head with a fetching face marred only by two hardly noticeable moles, she does lack a body. This has held her back in the courting stakes, as she finds it tricky to engage in any of the activities requiring a body. Ambrose hopes that the "farm’ll swing it. Plenty a boys out there ud luv to git their ‘ands on a farm like gis". Amelia remains hopeful. Box 2037 is the one to write to.


Shy but willing to try
Rachel Lanyon (27), a lap-dancer from Gwavas Estate in Newlyn, is a shy retiring girl looking for a similarly quiet man. She says that he should be of advanced years, poor in health, but very rich. "I aren’t a gold-digger. I duh jest find rich men easier to talk to." Rachel lists her interests as collecting old coins of the realm, antiques, jewellery, and fast cars. Her as yet unfulfilled dreams are to "'ave snails in some posh restaurant in Penzance and to do a bit o dogging at the Taj Mahal in India". Interested men (wealthy and over the age of 85) should write to Box 2047.



Fancy a bender?

Gay plumber, Thomas Nankervis (37) of Treave, is looking for a long term relationship. Tired of playing the gay scene in Treave, Thomas is looking to settle down. His interests are bowls, darts, model railways, collecting bus and train numbers, racing his toy yacht, and cooking and baking. Thomas also plays the triangle in Helston Silver band. Interested males, preferably from Treave, are asked to write to Box 4589.







Doctor looking for love

Dr Richard "Scatty" Botheras (42) is a colourful character on the St Ives social and medical scene. Hating dealing with illness and ailments, Scatty likes to cheer up all those he meets with jolly japes, laughs and fun. "Why worry about the illness that will soon have you dead, just have a laugh and a chuckle with me instead!"

With one of the shorter patient lists in medical history (he only had 52 patients left at time of writing), Scatty is looking for a woman to help him with his burden of caring for the sick in St Ives. Box 4521 is the one to write to.


Are you ready for the Boscobba experience?
Grace "Asbo" Friggens (25), of Penorven Drive, Boscobba, is looking for a brave man willing to give her a second chance. With a series of convictions for unprovoked spontaneous knife assaults on the young men of Boscobba, Grace has been finding it hard to form relationships.

Currently unemployed, it is her dream to find a young man with whom to settle down and make a home, preferably in Boscobba. With a population of just 35, this could be a tall order, as she has seriously injured all the young males currently living in the village. However, she fervently hopes that this serene picture of female pulchritude will lure young males from all around West Penwith. Box 2987 is the one to write to.





The Ladies are back!

Many readers have asked for another picture of the Gwithian Ladies Pedicycle Club. We cannot accede to Mr Bosher Thomas’s request for them to be shown in the nude, but they are modelling the latest in knitted cycle wear -- the next best thing.

Pictured, from the left, are June Beckerleg (26), Mary Hocking (24), Eliza Tonkin (25), Gracie Chellew (29), Martha Tregenza (18) and Faith Kelynack (19).

Since they only have the one bike between them, the ladies are keen to meet men of property in West Penwith, who would be prepared to invest in the Club. (No hanky panky!)

DON'T BE A LONELY HEART AT CHRISTMAS!!!

Kerensa “Twiggy” Ellis (29) is a sweet affectionate girl and the only child of “Scrammy Ass” and Doris Ellis of Colinsey Road, Penzance. Kerensa, who has inherited her father’s unfortunate problem, is pictured here two months before receiving the electronic tag she now has to wear for one year.

Having badly damaged her previous boyfriend in what she terms a ‘punishment squashing’,"’cos ee wuz lookin’ at other maids”, she is now looking for a new love in her life.

One unfortunate result of her evening curfew is that she has lost her job as female nightclub bouncer. “I ‘ad to make sure they scrubbers didn’t get too pissed up and cause no trouble. If they did, I give’ m a quick squashing to sort ‘n out!”

Kerensa’s psychiatrist says that he is sure that she has a tender side but warns young suitors to make a very gentle start in trying to locate it. BOX 564

Doreen Hottartt (39) is a specialist stilt ballet instructress from up Pendeen, working, as her job title might imply, with vertically challenged people. Although her photo doesn’t show it, Doreen is 7ft 6 ins tall and so she is looking for a tall man.

As she says herself “No use lookin’ up Pendeen. Tallest one up ‘ere is Lofty Penrose and ee’s oney 6ft 5ins – a bleddy shortass compared to me!”

Doreen can play the piano and always has TWO clean pairs of underwear on her, in case of accident. She is proud of her own saffron cake and bakes pasties three times a week. Vanity prevents this charming treasure of a young woman from wearing her hearing aid, and so suitors are asked to speak up or learn sign language. BOX 782

Angelina Jolie-Smut is a cute little 89 year old from Ludgvan. With 5 husbands behind her, Angie is unlikely to be coy on her first new date. As she says, “70 year ago, I used to kep the boys waitin’ fer at leas’ 2 days. Neow, I aren’t gunn fart roun’ – I may not be ‘ere tomorrow!” Consequently she guarantees that any young blade (and only those between the ages of 18 and 29 may apply!) will strike lucky first night.

Angie says that all her bottom teeth are her own and she “d’like t’be partikler about ‘ealth. I duh ‘ave a bath very Febree – ready fer the Spring!” BOX 938

Chris (from Badgers Cross and just 32) is looking for love. Chris is one of those ‘special’ people. So special in fact that Chris’s mum called her child Chris to cover all eventualities. Chris is now 32 and still no one is sure. However, who cares?

Chris has a full-time job as back-up for all the automatic milking machines in West Penwith.

Accordingly, Chris has a moped that goes with the job. Chris will be allowed to use this vehicle to meet anyone – man or woman – who wishes to get to know Chris better.

Sunday paper reporters are not welcome. BOX 481

Clive Stunk (41) is an unemployed ‘large cat trainer’ from Ponsanooth. As he has not been able to find employment opportunities in West Penwith in his chosen profession, because of the total absence of ‘large cats’, he has scratched a living shooting vermin and lost emmets for farmers in the vicinity.

Clive has been solitary largely through shyness. After prolonged treatment to cure him of his close attachment to his favourite tree (which was “cruelly” cut down), Clive would now like to explore relationships with others (people, not trees).

Clive lives in a grove of trees in Sancreed. He owns nothing but a fresh leotard and loves to live ‘au naturel’. He is interested in contact from females (preferably, but not necessarily, women - females from other species might be acceptable). BOX 664

Daniel White-Eye (53), who lives in a bin near Crows-an-Wra, is a champion of equal rights for ex mental patients.

He has battled incontinence – and he claims, with an unnerving chuckle, “in continents unknown” -- and has emerged as ‘a real catch’ "for some woman who idn' too partuklar – which is good as I aren’t particular nether!” BOX720

“Maids ahoy!!!” Watch out girls, because Mammie’s boy Madron Tregear (20) is now back ‘ere!!

Now that her son, Madron, has returned from his six months stay with the International Sea Scouts at their boys only camp in Castro, San Francisco, mawther is keen for him to meet some girls and is willing to pay “any decent maid, who idn' too gobby to g’wout wid’un”. Applicants must be female – of any age – who enjoy a challenge in a man and who yearn to do washing and ironing, darning socks, baking pasties and cakes. BOX 448

RELUBBUS CLASSIFIEDS

People seeking people

Renée Dunk (53) is a traffic warden from Marazion, but she is also a very special person, because she has recently won the fabulous £3.49 prize that goes with the title of Relubbus Equestrian Tennis Champion 2009. Can you spot the tennis racket in this photo?

Rene – as she prefers to be known – is the only person known to play tennis on horseback in the whole of Relubbus. She is wondering if there is a young man out there who would like to play with her? Reply to Roundup Box 1

Bernice, a wild girl (63) from Nancledra wants a strong man to tame her. “Will you be my Hercules?”

Although currently confined to home waiting for two hip replacements and one knee, she is still feisty and hungry for love.

Bernice likes going in on the bus to Penzance, but would love a romantic weekend for two in Relubbus "with the right man with all 'is bits workin'". Roundup Box 2

Hetty (aged somewhere between 21 and 74), lives in a bedsit in Morrab Road, Penzance. She has conquered deafness to become a viola soloist (in her own room).

She works in the Prom KWOP and is addicted to logic puzzles and nicotine. Likes body metal and is into controlled pain – for others.

Seeks young men who are willing to serve. Roundup Box 3

Neville (31) a farmhand from Botallack seeks a woman to share his varied interests. He has become something of an expert in cross-stitch and is the current West Penwith (West) gooseberry growing champion, having produced a whopper of 8 inches circumference, which he will be happy to show you.

He has a bicycle chain collection of 749 pieces from around the world and which contains one piece dating back to 1915. They need to be washed and greased every day. Neville is looking for the right lady to help him and, as he says, “Hey, and whilst our hands are greasy,…..” Roundup Box 4

Vladimir is a man with a problem. He has a charming wife and two children and leads a busy life as a Prime Minister running a large country in Eastern Europe, the name of which he would like to keep quiet. However, over the years, he has come to realise that he has been living a lie, as some of his publicity photos have revealed.

Increasingly, he wishes to show - and share - his feminine side – with an understanding male. After consulting (at great expense) a medium – Mrs Bathsheba Liddicoat (95) – whilst on incognito holiday in the People’s Republic of Hayle, he has come to realise that he desperately needs to occasionally leave the hustle and bustle of public life and cuddle up in West Cornwall with a ‘real man, who would take care of me”.

Vladimir would like to hear from a rugged accountant working anywhere the right side of Camborne (i.e. west of it), who lives alone, has a strong aroma, and who also likes to play knife games. Roundup Box 5

Goods and Services

Singer serenader(s) for that special occasion!! If it’s important, ‘say it with a song’, be it a 109^th birthday; making a marriage proposal; wanting to give Dad a good final send-off. We can provide the perfect mood music for any event . Choose any one or combination of Horace Melly (81 and baritone), Gladys Tink (79 and soprano) and Joseph Art (49 and castrato). £3.50 an hour for one voice, £6.50 for two and £8.50 for all three. A further £5 will secure performance in underwear and £10 for a completely nude show. (NB Wheelchair access is required for Mr Melly). St Buryan 402764

Exotic cheeses for Christmas. You can make cheese from any sort of milk and no one knows that better than Doris Daniel (87). She lovingly creates her unusual cheeses from rat, yak, dog, pig, skunk and her very own cat’s milk. All varieties available at just £75 per pound. But remember, it is special and you will never eat any thing like it again!! Goldsithney 57291

Yes, you can be gay at Christmas!! Full range of LBGT-themed wallpaper, serviettes, toilet paper and paper hats!! Available from the Bent Gnome at Crowlas. 673021

Beat the winter cold with solar-powered heated slippers – just £250 the pair from Tregears at Mousehole. Just leave them in the sun for a summer and they will keep your feet warm as toast for 15 minutes at least!! Mousehole 693722

Novel Calor gas room fragrancer. What is it? Well, a wooden frame supports a bowl into which the perfume of your choice is poured, then the calor gas is lit and you have a room fragrancer that will be the envy of your friends!! Only £97.99 from Polwhele and Polwhele of Porthgwarra 529134 (NB you must supply your own bowl, fragrance and calor gas.)

Avalaff Promotions offer the new funtime diversion for smokers at Christmas – Gelignite Surprise. The cigarette box looks like normal No.6, but one of the ciggies is a stick of gelignite – just look at their faces when that goes off!! Long Rock 672013

Remaindered Arthur Scargill Fairy Tale Cassette Tapes. Yes, pack of cassette tapes featuring Arthur Scargill reading all your favourite fairy tales, but with a Socialist twist - just 49 pence a set!!. Free Scargill Wig with every pack, so that you can look like your hero! From People’s Republic of Hayle Socialist Funshop on Hayle 543981

RELUBBUS SINGLES - LOOKING FOR LOVE!

Ernie Penrose (29) is an ice-cream salesman from Newbridge. He says that one of the reasons that he hasn’t yet found love is the showbiz nature of his job, which makes all girls – of all ages - fall for him.

“I only have to park up the van and queues of people form up and there are always girls there. I jes’ kent choose between all they maids!” He is hoping that this quiet advert - away from the showbiz razzamatazz that goes with ice cream sales - will allow girls to see him as he really is.

“ I duh look jes’ like Richard Armitage and that should pull’em in”, he says.

Ernie can be reached on Newbridge 4721.

Avril Kernaverell (32) formerly Sister Tregavarah of the Nancledra branch of the Methodist Fundamentalists Nunnery Co-operative has left her closed order and is now working in Penzance as a parking attendant – with a twist.

The owners of offending cars are cursed and the bodywork is sprayed with strong sulphuric acid, whilst those properly parked are blessed with holy water from Madron well and the windscreens receive a very large gold star painted in indelible ink.

Avril has yet to develop many normal interests, but she is keen to meet any man, who would share her passion for Arthur Scargill’s socialist poetry, in particular his magnum opus, ‘Let us recount the 3,963 ways towards socialist realism’.

Avril can be reached on Nancledra 4526.

Tedney Prank (34) is a car mechanic from Goldsithney, who likes to describe himself as a ‘sporty kind of guy’. He has been out with a girl once before, one Kylie Penrose on 7th June 1991. Things didn’t work out well that evening.

However, Kylie dropped all proceedings and Tedney threw himself into sport.

After years of hard training, he is now the undisputed Penwith and Kerrier equestrian table tennis champion as well as being ranked sixth in the all-Cornwall toe-wrestling championship. Tedney collects sweet wrappers and ice lolly sticks and has some that date back to when he was just five, when he started his collection.

Tedney wants to found a Prank dynasty and he is now looking for a young lady (“though definitely NOT one called Kylie!”) with whom he can build his future

Tedney can be reached on Goldsithney 5922

Edna Poldavock (24) is an artist living at Gurnards Head. She is passionate about all forms of art and seeks “to push out the boundaries” and has enjoyed mixed success in so doing.

Her Sandung sculptures (fashioned from a mixture of dung and sand) were a brave, but forlorn, attempt to add the sense of smell to the more usual exploration of sight and texture in artistic appreciation. However, her solo nude dance interpretations of Tchaikovsky were an absolute sell-out.

She would not like to meet a young and artistically inclined man to help her explore the possibilities of artistic expression.

Edna can be contacted on Gurnards Head 3385.

Brenda Pollock (26) from Tregeseal is a lead stylist at the famed Shelley’s hair and Beauty in St Just.

Brenda is a ‘work hard play hard’ girl.

Her idols are Gene Pitney, Roy Orbison and Frankie Avalon and ideally she would like children from them all.

Her favourite TV programmes are Dr Finlay’s Casebook, The Morecambe and Wise Show and Secombe and Friends.

Brenda would love to meet a real man (“likes his beer and does his own roll-ups!”) with whom she can share a ‘Carry-on’ kind of life.

Brenda can be reached on Tregeseal 4593 (“but you’ll have to talk to my dad before you get me!”)

‘Billy’ does not give his age. He lives in a field, but can be very friendly if he is with the right sort of man.

He gets on well with most, but does not like it if people refer to him as a ‘goat’. Billy is interested in different types of grass and closely follows the weather. He absolutely HATES dogs.

He would like to explore his ‘inner self’ and would like to meet like-minded men. Billy is not on the ‘phone but can be found in Pedn Diag field at Tremethick.