TUCKINGMILL MAN RECEIVES WELL-DESERVED HONOUR

A Mr Hirohito Watanabe of Tuckingmill has been awarded 9th prize in the annual Camborne taxi-drivers' awards.

"Banzai Bob" Hirohito Watanabe (62), formerly of Nagasaki and now from Tuckingmill, is a traditional Japanese rickshaw puller (Muhomatsu no issho) in the old style, who came to this country over 40 years ago in order to make a living and to learn to speak English.

Correctly concluding that he would be the first rickshaw puller in West Cornwall, he believed that there was a good living to be made here.

After the first 10 years, Mr Watanabe was eventually beginning to settle in and coming to be accepted by the locals, who gave him his pet name of "Banzai Bob".

Admittedly during the first few years, bookings were very few and far between, as people seemed reluctant to be pulled about by a panting oriental gentleman wearing nothing but his underpants and a lampshade on his head.

Gradually though, in fashion-conscious Tuckingmill,  it came to be seen as a style statement  to be transported hither and thither in "Banzai Bob's" rickshaw.

After a slow start - it did take a good 10 years - it became an attractive novelty to be pulled by "Banzai" down to the pub and back, particularly if you paid the extra for him to go at his highest (running) speed.

A particular favourite amongst pub visitors being pulled home is to get "Bob" to do his emergency stop, which invariably results in a hospitalisation for either puller or pullee and sometimes for both.

"Bob" is shown here pulling his wife - formerly Tamsin Trevanion (32) - now Mrs Watanabe, who decided to "goferit an' put on the Nip clothes tuh 'elp the boy out!"

Tamsin, a failed call-girl, decided against trying to make go of it as a TV presenter on the back of her grade D in Media Studies and instead become just a normal Tuckingmill housewife.
 
No children have resulted from the marriage, but the couple have built up a fine stable of ferrets, which are the envy of the neighbourhood.

"Bob" has had to struggle with the language and has not progressed very far in mastering Tuckingmill English or any other variant of the language.

However, after a couple of hours of explanation, he did take on board the significance of his ninth place award in the much sought-after annual Camborne Taxi Awards, which will be presented next week in the prestigious surroundings of the Corn Exchange in Commercial Street.

"Bob" has announced that he will simply respond with three well-chosen Japanese words:

私は光栄です "Watashi wa Koeidesu", which means "I am honoured!"

Bob has stated that the success of his business has led him to consider the setting up of an apprentice scheme for young Cornish lads, who would like to strike out on their own as rickshaw-pullers in other parts of Cornwall. 

If you are interested, you can contact "Bob" via the Roundup.

COMPETITION CORNER

Which of these two singers had a hit record with 24 hours from Tulsa?

Was it A  - Gene Pitney?

Or was it B -- Tommy Trembath?








To win this month's BIG PRIZE, just send in a letter to the editor enclosing  a £50 note and giving your answer A or B.

The first letter containing a correct answer to be opened in the big draw in one month's time will win this month's prize of a Long Playing record of all Tommy's greatest hits!

TWINNING DISCOVERY THROWS LIGHT ON KERNOW'S ANCIENT PAST!!

Praze an Beeble may not, at first sight, strike many as being a place of ancient importance, but the Roundup can now exclusively reveal that it was once - 2,400 years ago - twinned with Peking in China.

Archaeologists, led by Professor Pender (pictured) have determined that stones - found down at the river Beeble - were, in fact part of an early laundry and takeaway complex operated by enterprising Chinamen in 400 BC, who formed part of a small colony, which was set up as part of the twinning agreement.

Some of the stones carry curious inscriptions in ancient Chinese, which bear testimony to this ancient twinning.

Academics from the Relubbus Almost-Free-But-Still-Charging-A-Bit-Like University have been working at the site for some weeks.

Included in the top academic team are  famed archaeologist Professor "Wiggy" Pender (62) and his 200 strong cohort of expert diggers.

Also there is acclaimed sinologist Professor "Chinky" Chynoweth (84) (pictured) together with his hand-picked team of China experts.

Together this incomparable duo have discovered a wealth of information drawn largely from the long-hidden and well-preserved inscriptions on the many stones that are a key part of the site. One of the stones bears a likeness of the person who is believed to have led this small Chinese colony.  Beneath the picture is inscribed the legend:

"Thissa picture show Jang Wong

He left China for Ding Dong!"

This discovery turns our understanding of ancient history on its head and gives rise to questions such as how trade and cultural links were established and maintained at such great distance at that time between Cornwall and China.

An old propeller-like device found in the river bed in the river Beeble has led some to speculate that air travel may have been discovered and used long ago, employing feverish slave power to turn the propeller of some devilishly clever early transport plane.

Taking just this one example of a mental leap into the dark, it is fair to say that speculation has been running riot since these discoveries have been made.

The speculation has even extended to the much more preposterous and wholly unlikely proposition - originally advanced by a Mr Gung Ho, owner of the Golden Rotus in Relubbus - that the Cornish pasty itself may have been a Chinese invention introduced to Cornwall as an early form of Chinese takeaway!

Not surprisingly, this suggestion has seriously ruffled feathers in many quarters and has even disturbed the normally excellent relations between the People's Republic of China (PRC) and its most important trading partner, the Greater Relubbus Urban Council (GRUC).

The GRUC Leader, Councillor Billy Spargo (117) was so angered by this slur on the Cornishness of the national dish that he even considered cutting off the generous foreign aid (estimated to be as much as £49.50 per week) which the GRUC currently grants to the PRC.

In a desperate attempt to cool things down, the PRC President, Mr Hu Jintao, has unearthed details of the remainder of the Cornish colony set up in China 2,400 years ago as part of the twinning agreement.

It seems that there was a small Cornish colony in Peking, which later moved out to the Chinese countryside near the China Clay works (a smaller version of what is found to this day near St Austell).  Surprisingly, the descendants of this colony still speak Cornish, although they seem to have 'gone native' in all other respects.

As proof of this, Mr Jintao has revealed a picture of the local council leader in so-called Kamm Bronn.  The gentleman's name is Jowan Trembath and he is shown here with his prized pet hunting eagle "Er Skwark" alongside his best friend Madern Angwin.

Intermarriage with local women has long ago led to some dilution of the Cornish cultural heritage and indeed appearance, but Jowan and the others in the colony have clung for dear life to two treasured institutions over the many centuries since their forefathers left Cornwall. 

One is the Cornish language and the other is the Cornish Pasty itself, which their tradition tells them that they brought out with them from their homeland.

So there you have it!  The Cornish Pasty is truly Cornish!!

ADVERTISEMENT

CHRISTMAS BARGAINS GALORE AT R C OATES SUPERSTORE!!

Have Jolly Japes and Wholesome Christmas Family Fun with the Wakfer Electrified Tightrope (patent pending) - available here at just £749.99!!! 

See how long you can stay on, whilst they turn up the voltage!  Cattle prods extra at just £35 each (NOT to be used on children younger than 3!)

From Tamsin Pentreath, the celebrated author of "Cooking for People without Teeth", get the long-awaited new book "53 ways of Cooking Badger" at just £195.  

Nance's 'Carved from Wood' products make the perfect and unusual Christmas gift.  New products joining the range this year include handcarved bicycle clips in yew and oak (£75), re-usable condoms fashioned from soft balsa wood (£15) and socks in hard wearing teak (£45 a pair) available in all sizes.

Discreet help for the adventurous - buy Rosewarne's Patented Hot Mustard and Sulphur Treatment for all ailments 'down below' (£60).

Finally, to fuel the festive fun,

Why not get a bottle of Polkinghorne's Homemade Green Whisky (£7.99 for 3 litres). 

It turns a kitten into a lion!!

RE PUTTING THE 'R' BACK INTO THE 'COUNTY' OF CORNWALL!!

Being Excerpts from an entertaining Verbal Exchange between

The Honourable Cecil Longfield Oswald Titt (Champion of England) and

Ruan Ennis (Champion of Cornwall)

The protagonists:

Cecil Longfield Oswald Titt (CLOT) oscillates between his grandiose manor house on the Titt Estate in Hertfordshire (Great Titt House - DEFINITELY NOT open to the public) and his London Club, Benders of Pall Mall.

A proudly English gentleman, he has not, throughout his life, sullied his hands with any work beyond the necessary task of telling others how to better order their affairs, a task he has taken up with a selflessness that only he can appreciate.

A scion of one of the best public schools in England, he has extensive landholdings right across that country and also holds land in Cornwall.  He happens to be in Cornwall at present, as he is beating down his tenants in rent negotiations  and was eager to participate in this debate on the status of Cornwall so that he could ensure that the people know their proper place.

Ruan Ennis (RE) from a council estate in Camborne is a Cornishman's Cornishman and, in fact by way of proof, he reads the Cornishman itself every week with almost as much relish as he reads the Relubbus Roundup, his preferred reading.

Ennis has lived in Cornwall all his life, except for a brief spell in London.  It was during this temporary exile ("I only wennup ferabit geek like"), which lasted for four and a half weeks, that he came to realise - once he had left it - how unique and special Cornwall is.

On his return to his beloved Camborne, he immersed himself in the history, culture and, yes, language of Cornwall and is now an impassioned champion of the separateness of Cornwall and of the celebration of its culture.

The Excerpts:

CLOT:  The map of Great Britain displays the majesty of its heart that is England,  a jewel of geographical exquisiteness marred only by the ragged sordid Celtic excrescences of Scotland and Wales.

Cornwall should rejoice that is but one among many of the ceremonial counties and unitary authorities, which make up this magnificence called England.  You, Ennis, should be proud to see the flag of England flying above the roofs of Cornwall.

I have good news for you, Sir!  You are no mere Cornish peasant, but are instead a proud English hobbledehoy!

RE:  Lissenere, boy!  I arnt takin nunnathat colonial claptrap from the likes o' you.  Oney one flag, what duh blong ere and thassa flag o' St Piran, the flag o' Cornwall.

We err the only so-called 'county' of England - your words, boy, not mine -, which duh ave issone Flag.

Nexdoor, the Devon people 'ad a vote in 2003 to decide on their flag.  We didnaff to ave no vote ere.  Flag? - we've always adden, boy, cuz we're a nation wass always adda flag!

Nuther thing.  People up London duh knaw we're really different.  People frumere err called 'Cornish", people from Spain err called Spanish and people frum Finland err called Finnish.

Idden no other bleddy 'county', where the 'nhabitants duh ave a name like a foreign race.  Tha's cuz we err different  - you're bleddy furren faras we're concerned.

CLOT: Now steady on, my good man, you are running away with yourself.  You Cornwallers cannot possibly compare yourselves to nations such as the Spanish and the Finnish.  They are poor Johnny Foreigners with their own countries and their own awful languages.

You good people are here to serve England as loyal beach attendants and agricultural wallahs wih full rights to pay taxes to the Westminster Parliament.  There you have it!

RE:  Sens dha flows, Saws!

We Cornish duh ave our own language alright anniff you 'ad a brain up tuh understandin' ovun, I would ah spoke tuh ee innun.

The reason we duh talk your language a bit diffrunt, like it wuz farren tuh we is cuz ee is farren tuh we!!  So you can stick yer bleddy 'county' o' Cornwall an give we our country back!  You duh ave the 'onour neow o' bein' in Pow Kernow, the country of Cornwall.

EDITOR:  This exchange continued for well over an hour.  It ended with the Honourable Cecil Titt limping back to his hotel with two black eyes and one ball less than he started out with.  Mr Ennis was uninjured and remains as chipper as ever.

PUBLIC ADVERTISEMENTS

Join the Relubbus Border Agency (RBA) and help make a difference!

With budget cuts set to make a huge difference to people's lives throughout the UK, the Greater Relubbus Urban Council (GRUC) believes that many more people might be tempted to flee over the border into Relubbus, which still basks in an annual growth rate of 12.7%

To help combat this situation, the GRUC has decided to expand the RBA twentyfold, taking its combined strength to forty.

Pictured are the two current employees of the RBA, Mr Dougie Addicoat (48) standing on the steps of their mobile headquarters and his assistant, Bert Trembath (32) demonstrating the power of their torch, which is used on nocturnal campaigns.

All 38 new employees will be inducted at the grade of 'deputy assistant watcher', which carries a handsome salary of £14 10s 8d per week, cash in hand.  The package will also include a free pair of bicycle clips, a plastic mac and a whistle.

Applicants must be over 3 foot tall and under 40 stone in weight.  Applications in writing to the RBA, care of Relubbus Post Office.

Relubbus Olympics 2012 - Get Involved!!

The Relubbus Olympics  of 2012 are expected to draw crowds in excess of 100, so if you want to shine in front of a massive crowd in the Relubbus Primary School Sports Field, you had better get training now.  The Relubbus Team is looking to recruit new competitors in the following three events:

One Mile Blindfolded Speed Hop (for both left and right leg events)

Throw Yer Pal sfar as you can (pictured)

Marathon Armchair Sitting 

If you fancy your chances at any of these physically demanding events, contact Ebenezer Elias Polkinghorne at the Western National Central Bus Station, Relubbus.