CHRISTMAS ISSUE, 2007. Issue 18, 17th December 2007

A MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU ALL -- FROM THE CHILDREN OF RELUBBUS
Little Loveday (7) and Archie Andrewartha (8), seen here holding their little baby sister, Tabitha, wish you all -- wherever you may be -- on behalf of all the children of Relubbus, a most cordial
Merry Christmas!

And

a Happy New Year!

Loveday and Archie came first in the junior section of the annual animal torture competition sponsored by the Bin Laden Institute for the Criminally Deranged.

They have been chosen to be the official faces of the 2007 Relubbus Christmas celebrations.

Christmas in Relubbus

Lights cheer the soul amidst the winter snow;
Sweet, hot mulled wine sets faces all aglow.
The scent of turkey wafts across the town,
While children run, contented, up and down.

They pause a moment, time itself stands still;
They think of all sad children, poor or ill,
And conjure up a globe of loving care,
And blow it to those tykes, across the frozen air.

by Theophilus Rosewarne (84)
Gas Meter reader (retired), and part time poet
CHRISTMAS WEATHER FORECAST FOR RELUBBUS
The question in everyone's mind, as every year, is whether there will be a White Christmas.

Of course, the eastern hills grouped around Mount Relubbus -- permanently snow-capped -- can expect their usual thick carpeting of snow at this time of year and so there is no threat to the booming skiing industry, which brings in thousands of winter sports enthusiasts every year to Relubbus International Airport. So scenes like the one on the left, showing a lesson in progress on the lower slopes of Mount Relubbus, are under no threat whatever.

The same predictability applies to the tropical beaches of Praa Sands and Perranuthnoe, which will see further thousands of sun-seeking tourists streaming in to enjoy the cloudless skies, soaring temperatures, and sandy beaches.

The picture on the left shows Praa Sands at its warm and sunny best, early one fine winter morning before all the tourists arrive. The temperature is already 25 degrees Centigrade and can be expected to climb yet further


However, the much bigger big question is whether a snow flake will fall upon the roof of the Greater Relubbus Meteorological Office, which is situated in the middle of Relubbus, not far from Boswedden Lane and a full two miles from either Mount Relubbus or Praa Sands. In order to get an authoritative answer to this big question, the Roundup has spared no expense and despatched its reporters to consult Abu Dabby Jago at Gulval.

Abu, shown here on the left, a shelf-stacker for Morrisons by day, is also the leader of an extremist Methodist fundamentalist grouping. He is reputedly in daily contact with the Almighty and claims that he "looks after weather matters for Him". Abu was sadly non-committal about snow prospects for central Relubbus, stating that he hadn't made up his mind yet whether he would organise snow. He advised us to wait until the day and then we would see what he had decided. So will it snow, or won't it? We'll just have to wait and see!


BREWING MONKS TO FOUND "MONKERY" IN RELUBBUS
By Social Correspondent Rendell Janner
At the Greater Relubbus Urban Council (GRUC) meeting on Tuesday, Council Leader Billy Spargo announced that he had contacted the Abbot of the celebrated Kloster Andechs monastery in Bavaria, famed for its production of high-class liqueurs and beers, with an invitation to found a sister (or should that be "brother") "monkery" in Relubbus.

The new monastery will be a copy of the original Kloster Andechs monastery (shown on the left).

According to Cllr. Spargo, the new "monkery" and brewery will stimulate employment in the area. It will be administered by skilled German monk-brewers who will relocate from Bavaria. However, as many of these do not speak English, a substantial number of novice monks will be recruited from the local population, to assist with the brewing and to "interface" with the local population.

It seems, though, that the prospect of celibacy does not appeal to Relubbus young men. Petroc Jelbert (17) said, "I've 'eard that to become a monk you duh 'ave to 'ave yer knackers sawed off. I 'ent 'avin' thaat! Me an' muh girlfren' duh 'ave 3 kids already, an' we're plannin' tuh 'ave more!"

However, it appears that since the announcement, 2048 local married men have applied to become brewing monks.
WHO PAID FOR SPARGO'S MADEIRAN LOVE-NEST?
By Jan ("Mad") Carew, Private Eye Investigative Journalist of the Year 2007, on Madeira

The luxury seaside villa on the left is thought to be owned by none other than the controversial leader of the Greater Relubbus Urban Council, Billy Spargo. The villa is situated in a prime location in the exclusive village of Skollob, on the north coast of Madeira. According to locals, in recent weeks Councillor Spargo has been spotted in the village (heavily disguised as an ancient mariner), strolling arm-in-arm with Cecilia, the estranged wife of French President Nicholas Sarcozy.

Luxury villas in this area of Madeira typically sell for sums in excess of £8M, and questions are already being asked by Spargo's political opponents about how Cllr. Spargo was able to afford such a property, given that his family undertaking business is known to be close to bankruptcy. There have even been rumours of an "unofficial", unsecured, loan from Relubbus Central Bank Governor Mervyn Spargo.

Cllr. Spargo has long been a target of rumour and innuendo, but thus far has always managed to outmanoeuvre his enemies, hiding behind a cloak of evasion, disingenuousness, and half-truths. Indeed, in the Relubbus council chamber he is known as "Mr Asbestos", because he is thought to be fire-proof. However, is this latest financial irregularity the final straw that could break the camel's back? Could Spargo's long and undistinguished career be about to end in scandal and disgrace? Watch this space for further developments!
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Getting to know Relubbus
Why is Boswedden Lane so named? Boswedden Lane is named after William Boswedden. Surprisingly, some people in Relubbus have not heard of this formidable polymath, so we present here a small pen picture of the great man.

William Boswedden was born at a very young age. In fact, he was not even one when he entered this world in 18th century Relubbus. His parents, Wakfer and Mirdaddio, were very poor gold merchants. This simply means that they weren't very good at it, but at least they had money.

Mirdaddio conceived the young William after many years of trying; Wakfer too had been very trying. All their efforts came to fruition with William's birth, when Mirdaddio was aged 42 and when Wakfer was aged 81.

William achieved early greatness at the tender age of 7, when he weighed in at 12 stone. It was true that he was hungry for knowledge, but true also that he was always hungry for food.
Pictured here on the left at birth, William was a sombre little fellow who, in between eating, soaked up knowledge like a sponge. Before he was 9, he was fluent in 14 languages, including Japanese, even without books or any instruction in the language.

By the age of 10, he had achieved a weight of just over 26 stone. In between eating, he managed to complete some of his most magical musical compositions, including the highly soporific 6-and-a-half-hour symphony for solo bass drum. But his restless spirit did not confine itself to the world of music, for he also began to experiment in the natural sciences. He developed a colour television set, which was perfect in every way. Sadly there were no broadcast television programmes for him to receive in those days.

By the age of 13, William weighed in at just under 40 stone. Never much of a socialiser or given to any sport other than competitive eating, at which he excelled, William was now incapable of independent movement. He was kept in a re-inforced and covered wagon in front of the parental home. This wagon afforded him some mobility and, given the waste-hole included in its construction, enabled him to be hosed down regularly.

Thus he lived, confined to his wagon, for another 60 years. He ate continuously, achieving a dead weight of 94 stones. However, he also continued to make great contributions to the cultural and economic life of Relubbus. He wrote countless poems, 32 plays, composed 72 symphonies -- all for the same instrument -- and invented the motor car, the telephone, and the Ipod, together with several other as yet undiscovered items.

His furious intellectual and eating activities did not impede his sex life. In his teens, he displayed a great fondness for badgers, which he was always careful not to squash. As an adult, he married four times and fathered 16 children.

After his death Boswedden Lane was so named in his honour. It is now the most sought-after address in Relubbus and is home to much of the diplomatic community here. Plans to erect a monument to William in Boswedden Lane have always been deferred for cost reasons. The Council has now agreed that, provided that a statue is not made life-size, but merely miniature, one can be erected at the top of Boswedden Lane, in the flower bed next to the gents' toilets.
ADVERTISEMENT
Come for a Christmas Holiday Break at the Grey River Hotel!!
Ladies and gents, Give you and yours a break this Christmas and come to this perfect rural idyll and allow yourself to be spoilt and pampered at this 5 star luxury shed.

Situated next to the fast-flowing waters of the unspoilt Grey river (the sewerage treatment plant is actually a full quarter of a mile downstream!), the "shed" comprises 5 interconnected one-room apartments lovingly and carefully constructed last month from natural materials (bamboo from a neighbouring field) by the owner, Larry, and his partner, Steve.

Neither Larry nor Steve has used in the past six weeks and they both have seen a doctor -- albeit at a distance -- within the past year or so. You can be sure that hygiene is their first and last thought.

On the left, one can see the grand entrance to the hotel, which, uniquely in the entire world, is entered from the river.

Health and safety are the watchwords at this hotel, (situated as it is on the Grey river floodplain) and a rope is thrown to any guest trying to make it through the sometimes treacherous currents to the front door. Once the guest makes it to the sumptuous antechamber, which is complete with floor, walls and broadleaf roof, he is instantly relieved of all monies required to cover the anticipated costs of his stay and then shown to his quarters.

You will have gathered that this is no ordinary hotel. It is administered according to the finest and highest principles of hygiene, ecology, and gay pride. Larry is quick to point out that, although the hotel's ambience has been specially designed to make gays feel at home, that doesn't mean that anyone else isn't welcome. He insists that the welcome mat will be rolled out for anyone who books in, regardless of age, gender, creed, and sexual orientation. The only requirement is that they pay the bill up front. The cost of a room is £4,500 per day. This might seem a little costly, but it does cover the cost of everything.

Larry (pictured left) says, "Everything at the hotel is natural. We don't cook -- we go searching for "edibles" within a radius of half a mile from the hotel. What we find, we give the guests -- uncooked so as to preserve the goodness. We always offer luscious grasses, sometimes there will be a tastey mollusc or two and, as a special (for an additional fee), we will venture up to the A30 for roadkill, though the guests must prepare the food themselves, as it would not be kosher for us to do it. There are no gadgets or radios or televisions in our rooms -- everything is "natural" -- we use no electricity. Guests can hear the sounds of the rushing water -- of any falling rain, which they might also be able to feel, if it permeates through the broadleaf roof. They will be close to nature and their souls will be refreshed by their stay with us."

Eager to please and enrich the lives of others, Larry and Steve have given up their own room in the hotel and have retired to a nearby caravan to allow some lucky guest to enjoy the unspoilt natural glory of one of their rooms. However, once hailed, they are never more than five minutes away and will always be there to welcome new guests and take their payments for a stay at this unforgettable hotel.

For a Christmas Special, don't delay:
Don't stint yourself -- come along and be gay!
RELUBBUS CENTRAL BANK ACTS TO QUELL PANIC
By Business Correspondent Duane Polkinghorne
The Relubbus Central Bank (RCB) has had to step in an attempt to dispel further customer fears about the troubled Western Rock bank. A few weeks ago, angry investors queued for hours to withdraw their funds from the Western Rock in Relubbus High Street, following persistent rumours that the bank was financially insolvent due to unwise investment in the American "prime" mortgage market. It seemed that the crisis had been averted after assurances from the Western Rock CEO that all was well.

However, it seems that investors were not convinced. New queues began to form outside the Western Rock yesterday, and the bank's board were forced to call for assistance from the Central Bank.

Relubbus Central Bank Governor Mervyn Spargo said yesterday, "Crisis? What crisis? The Central Bank has vast reserves of £248.98, all of which it has made available to Western Rock. Problem solved."
LONELY HEARTS

Alas for those without the flame of love!
But help arrives from guiding gods above,
Who beckon to the hav'n of affection --
Safely to be enjoyed, without infection!

Letitia Tonkin is an amazing 17 year old, who, at first sight, appears to be a bundle of contradictions. She works part time as a receptionist at a garage on the Long Rock Industrial Estate. The other half of the day she works as a Tarot card reader at the Pengarth Day Care Centre in Morrab Gardens. As far as relationships go, she describes herself as "an experimentalist", having had partners of both sexes and of widely varying ages. (The oldest was 94!)

The mother of three children, Letitia now dreams of finding a perfect father to her kids (and maybe we'll have some more!). She would like an enterprising young man with his own business -- maybe an ice cream van. She is fond of telly and of reading HEAT and Hello magazines and would appreciate a young man who would share these interests with her. If your heart is thumping at the thought of Letitia, then Box 4582 is the one for you.

Maurice Treglown (42) is an aspiring male model from Bone Valley, where he lives quietly with his tame fox, Billy, and his widowed mother, Agatha (75). Over the past couple of decades, modelling assignments in and around Heamoor have been thin on the ground and the resultant lack of income has cramped Maurice's style. He is still waiting to have his first relationship and, given his total lack of experience, is not sure of his orientation. He points out that of the two important beings in his life so far, one of them, Billy, is male and the other, his mother, is female, and he gets along well with both of them. Maurice would ideally like to make a friend from Bone Valley (possibly from the caravan park?), but for the right person he would be prepared to come into Heamoor. If you would like to help this shy young man make his first excursion into the world of relationships, then Box 6521 is the one.

Maude Pierce (33) is a confident young woman who has opened her own solicitor's practice in Hayle. Unusually for someone in the legal profession, she is also a practising witch and, although she would like to find a partner equally interested in Wicca, she has yet to meet a Wiccan male who appeals to her. She has a grey cat, called "Smokey", and a budgerigar called "Mr Pubes".

Maude is a keen pianist and practises for at least one hour each day. She is an accomplished home-maker and bakes mouth-watering cakes, having come first two years running in the Goldsithney nude home baking championships. Maude describes herself as "a bit of a goer" and says that she has very strong physical needs. Being forthright, she adds that she does not mind if she has more than one partner, if they don't mind either. Box 9924 if she is your type of girl.

Trencrom "Betty" Behenna (32) has been one of the more colourful and best known members of the Crowlas gay scene. Betty is a monumental mason by day, specialising in granite tombstones, and a drag queen by night, specialising in anything in Crowlas wearing trousers.

Betty's family has been making Cornish ice cream for many decades and he was destined to take his place at the head of the family firm. However, his life was changed at a stroke. Before Betty ever knew that he was gay, he was once serving at the family ice cream parlour in Porthleven, when a young man came in and asked for a double scoop. Their eyes met and in an instant Betty had fallen for him. He eloped to Crowlas, the acknowledged centre of fairly wild gay lifestyles, to live with the young man and took up monumental masonry to earn his living. In time, a matter of two weeks, promiscuity had set in and Betty had soon worked his way through the entire gay community of Crowlas.

Now a more sober being, entirely confident in his sexuality, Betty would like to meet one young man with whom he could share the rest of his life. If you think that Betty could be the start of your new life, then write to him at Box 4591.

Lucinda Polkinghorne (26) describes herself as a professional lady who supports herself by living on her talents. Originally from Colinsey Road on the Treneere Estate in Penzance and a graduate of Lescudjack School, she has moved to occupy plush premises and consulting rooms in Morrab Road, Penzance -- (just a few doors down from the Library -- 2nd bell).

Lucinda has a bath at least twice a day and is proud of her state of cleanliness, regardless of the disgusting condition of some of those she may have been consorting with during the day.

She also takes pride in the fact that all are equally welcome in her establishment, provided that they can stump up the requisite £2.50 per half hour.

Of course, all this energetic economic activity has but one goal and that is to find Lucinda's perfect partner for the rest of her life. If you think that this could be you, then take your £2.50 round to the Morrab Road establishment (just a few doors down from the Library!). Box 1923
IN THE NEXT BUMPER ISSUE

• SPECIAL NEW YEAR EDITION!

• FEMALE FUNDAMENTALISTS ARE REVOLTING

• EXCLUSIVE: ROY ORBISON IS DEAD

• SPOTLIGHT ON ALTERNATIVE THERAPIES IN RELUBBUS

• GERRY HATRICK’S OLDER LADIES' ESCORT AGENCY

• PLANNING NEWS: MOUNT RELUBBUS TO BE COVERED WITH CARAVANS?

• And much, much more!