NEWS IN BRIEF

 BOUNDARY AND POSTCODE CHANGES

Hot on the heels of the recent furore about cross-Tamar electoral boundaries, comes news that the new giant postal sorting office to be built in Launceston will result in a reclassification of some postcodes. Currently, the Plymouth postcode (PL) extends west into Cornwall beyond St Austell, and the Exeter postcode (EX) beyond Bude. In future, there will be a new postcode of KE (Kernow) that will not only cover the whole of Cornwall, but will extend far eastwards into Devon.

Commenting on the proposed changes, the leader of the Greater Relubbus Urban District Council (GRUC), Councillor Billy Spargo (103), said:

"We have to be grown up about these things. I'm sure the people of Plymouth and Exeter won't object to their fine cities being classified as part of Cornwall. So why should the people of Saltash object to their historic Cornish town being part of Plymouth?"

NEW WISE MAN FOR ST BURYAN

by our village reporter, Denzil Owles

A couple of days ago I was privileged to meet the new Wise Man of St Buryan, Mr Athelstan Sowsner, as he was searching for toads in Boskennal Lane.
 
Having moved to Cornwall from Surrey last Thursday, Mr Sowsner says that he has already developed a strong affinity for our ancient landscape. He has, after all, been coming to Cornwall on holiday since he was three months old. 

He tells me that he is deeply knowledgeable about Cornish culture and traditions -- for example, village feast days, which he understands were instigated by Ginsters in 1993, and the ancient practice of knitting wooly scarves for standing stones, in order to keep them warm in winter.

Mr Sowsner studied spells and potions under Professor Potter, at a famous training school in the north, the name of which has temporarily slipped my memory. He is a founder member of the Surrey Order of Druids (SOD).

A single man and former investment banker, he now occupies a fine six-bedroomed converted mill in Bramangath Lane. He was keen that his house should have a Cornish name, and to this end recruited a local bard to suggest one in Kernewek. As he told me proudly, "I've renamed the house 'Toll Dewbedrenn'. It means 'Fox hole'".

NEW BOOK, NEW AUTHOR

Popular Penzance prostitute, Kelly Killigrew (39), whose acute commercial sense led her to develop an initiative, "the price ladder", which has subsequently been gratefully copied by hundreds of professional ladies from St Buryan to right up to Camborne, has decided to branch out into writing.

For those unfamiliar with the price ladder, Kelly - no slouch when to comes to bargains - quickly twigged than when you offer pensioners '70% off' and the unemployed '50% off', you can protect your earnings by not disclosing 'off what' and still coin in the full sum - or even more.

However, now still with almost half her own teeth and free from disease at the last check just 19 years ago, Kelly, thinking of the future, has decided that, with gravity now beginning to pull its not inconsiderable weight, it is now time to carve out and develop a new career.

She has thus turned to writing and has conceived of the idea of penning a history of Notable Courtesans of West Penwith.

Despite this new departure, as she says herself, "I aren't givin up the scrubbin' completely.  I duh still do it, but I duh do the writin' in between like."   Thus she can often be viewed pacing up and down Parade Street with a notebook in her hand, furiously scribbling away in between rushed visits to the bushes of nearby Morrab Gardens in the company of 'reg'lars'.

Billy Curnow Publications of Adelaide Street, Penzance has snapped up the chance to take on this new local author. Says proprietor, Billy Curnow, "I wuz persuaded by the regal prose o' this queenathu pros and by the 50% off she gimme fer 6 weeks!"   Clearly, he hadn't heard of the price ladder.

With Kelly's kind permission we are taking just a brief look at some of the historical local talent she is featuring in her book.

On the left are the legendary so-called 'Eight Sirens of Sennen'.

They are, from the left, Lizzie Kelynack (16), Seline Hichens (17), Gracie Beckerleg (19), Alice Chirgwin (22), Sarah Jago (21), Aggie Curnow (27), Lavinia Lutey (24), and their captain and surprisingly agile yet one-legged star, Liza Cargeeg (29).

Known by Policeman Carne as 'the scourge of the cove', these young ladies busily worked the streets of Sennen Cove in the 1920s.  Dressed in a home-made uniform, they tended to stand out because of their unorthodox gait as they practised their eye-catching 'walk in formation'.  For more, get the book.

The beauty on the left was the famous Jane Hosking of Chypraze, pictured here at the age of 32.  A young lady of a fiercely intellectual and literary turn of mind, her stunning looks bewitched many a young man until she was finally successfully wooed and won by the 97-year-old shellfish billionaire, Abnego Baragwaneth. 

Although the latter was married, he was so smitten with the young temptress that he set her up in a sumptuous lovenest in Botallack on a fabulous daily allowance of 2/6d a day, excluding food. An accomplished and pioneering writer of the Cornish novella and a prolific poetess, all of the manuscripts of this noted but sadly unpublished writer were consumed by the chip fire that took her life in 1924.

Kelly tells the story of many another local fair maid but we will mention here only one more and that is the Newlyn nymph that was Priscilla "Pilchards" Polkinghorne, captured here on her 29th birthday.

At an early age, Prissy's keen intelligence shone brightly  at Newlyn Board School, where she displayed an easy facility and mastery of pure maths, nuclear physics, bio-chemistry and applied sandpit activities.

Known as "Pilchards" because of the the sharp smell her body emitted, she later grew into a ravishing beauty, much sought after at the tennis club and at Penzance swimming pool, where hundreds of local boys would congregate just to catch a glimpse of her breathtaking figure.

All the dashing swains from far around would pursue her - to no avail.  At the age of 17 she had lost her heart to a 77-year-old unhappily married dairy farmer from Tremethick Cross, whom she rapidly proceeded to make most happy.

In all weathers, she faithfully cycled up to see him for half an hour each evening at 7.30 , when he was out with the cows.  This went on for 40 years, when he sadly expired.  Consumed with grief, she followed him just two weeks after.

Hungry for more?  The book will be available from Billy Curnow Publications and at all good bookshops from next Wednesday at a price of just £749.99 each (or £3,500 for four copies!).

SPORTS NEWS

by special Sports Correspondent Tommy "Balls" Wakfer

LADIES NEED MALE MEMBERS!

There is one thing on which all the ladies of the Badgers Cross Badminton Club (BCBC) would agree - they definitely need male members.

BCBC has a membership of thirty six.  The trouble is that they are all ladies. 

They know that they must woo male players, but their sharply divided opinions on how to achieve this objective have split this once happy club (as one can see from the photo) right down the middle, exposing mutually hostile class divisions.

It all started when Aggie Trembath (31) placed a controversial poster on the walls of the local pub and the cricket club. 

Aggie had designed the poster herself and modelled  it on the iconic first world war Kitchener poster. 

It read "BCBC is all shuttle and no cock.  We ladies need male members!"

When word got out about Aggie's initiative, Letitia Chirgwin (29) was livid and set out to rip down and destroy every one of Aggie's posters.

Says Aggie defiantly, a self-employed pig insemination operative, " I cudden bleeve it, I cudden bleddy bleeve what that hoity-toity stuck-up bitch binangonundun!  Sony bitta fun, inna?  What she aff to go do that fer?"

Says Letitia haughtily, a freelance nasal hair trimmer with her own bike, "When I 'eard what that mentalist slapper dun, I went straight roun' the pub and pulled 'er posters deown!  We aren't all scrubbers 'ere like she!  Kommunasmuck she is!  Whatever she like??!"

Half the club supports Letitia and the other half is solidly behind Aggie.  How will it end?  Will the posters re-appear?  Who can say?  However, the Roundup will follow this gripping story.

THIRD PORTHCURNO CAMP TRAINING CAMP A GREAT SUCCESS!

Gays flocked to the Porthcurno Gay University site from all over West Penwith (especially Sancreed and St Buryan) to take part in the third great outdoor "Camp Training Camp."

Readers will recall that this event started up three years ago in honour of outstanding and pioneering local gay, Trenwith Madron Trembath, who sadly passed away in 2007 at the age of 124.

Mr Trembath achieved early fame by becoming the first man to swim the Atlantic - and back - non-stop,  fortified only by one of his mother's notoriously gargantuan pasties.

Trembath was a keen athlete, rugby player and cricketer.  As a young man in a time when there was precious little understanding for those devoted to a love that dared not speak its name, Trembath was a fearless and proud homosexualist, daringly outspoken about his gayness and defiantly setting up home with Reginald Polkinghorne in 1905 in their own little cottage in Porthcurno.  It was, of course, on the site of this cottage that the Porthcurno Gay University was later built.

The "Camp Training Camp" is a three day event in which young men engage in thrilling outdoor exercise with one another.

The snap on the left shows them in the early morning getting ready to partake in piggy back tournaments.  All jolly good fun designed to raise the spirits and strengthen the muscles.

The event has been very well attended this year with over 2,500 participants, including 40 0fficers from Penzance Police Station.

PC Ben Dover (second from the left, sitting on special friend Roger's shoulders) gushed enthusiastically, "I ebbent nevver 'ad s' much fun!  I'll be back 'ere nex' year fer deffinat!"

ENTY MAY'S SALON

Enty May (43 and Nancledra born and reared) is a much-loved contributor to the Roundup, who is prized by many for the carefully considered advice she hands out to those beset with the quandaries of modern life.

As she is also known for the quality of intellectual cut and thrust in her renowned Gwavas 'salon', we have asked her to share with us a snippet or two from her busy high society life - the envy of many in West Penwith.

Ello, my luvvers! Oweealldoinov? 

They nice Roundup people 'ave ast me to let ee all into bitta my busy life.  Well, I couldn' say'naw, could I, speshially when they offered a 'ole boxa they Ferrero Rotchers for 'un.  So 'ere goes!

I wuz deown Kwop 'smornin nice ' early doing my weekly shopliftin' an all I could 'ear roun' me was "Idn neverbinusbadazis".

So I said to Mrs 'Ollis (oo's out and about again after her opration down blow las' month) "Wassall that aboutuh? What ebbent bin subad?"

She said "This 'ere bad weather we're avin, tha's what!  I tell ee 'sfreezin up Buryan.  Ole man o' 98 upair 'ad 'is back'ouse toilet completely freeze ovver.  W'as worse, 'eed fallen asleep on un at the time an 'ad to be unfrozen with a blow torch!  Well, nearly did fer'n nat did, poor ole bugger."

"O, es", said I, with 'n understandin nod, while I carefully 'id nuther tin o' beans deown  my knickers.  

The shoppin was getting' a bit 'eavy neow and was beginin to show through the extra large cot I duh wear fer shopliftin.  So I said my goodbyes and went up tuh the till, where I 'anded over the pack o' penny chews I duh always get 'n pay fer.  While I was payin, I could ear the roar o' the car engine eoutside.

My eldest nephew, Trev, oo's 13 - summgoodeeis too, bless 'issoul - was waitin outside in today's noo car. Trouble is when you've borrowed ovun withoutta key, 's best to keep the engine runnin' --  which is jest as well as I might 'ave ad to leave in a 'urry.

I struggled roun to the back o the car, fished out the week's shopliftin' 'n chucktenall in the boot 'cept fer the bottle o' vodkee fer boy Trev, oo'd gone tuh the trouble a getting up early to find a car fer we and needed to 'ave a good reward.

Trev took a fews swigs and then drove me roun' tuh the Penzance Arts Club, where I was givin my weekly talk - topic gis week "Can Tories 'ave souls?"  Course, after a 'our o' entertaining deliberation, I 'ad to conclude that Tories only 'ave assoles - bleddy big ones too!"

Then - good as 'is word - Trev, my li'l bird, come roun' with a anawther noo car to tek me 'ome fer a nice cuppa tea and vodka.

Couldn' sit roun fer too long.  Ad tuh get muskates on, as I a'd that President Teacosy o' Frince comin round fer private advice on 'is li'l problum.  Anyway, more 'bout that sum other time. I gotta getonagain 'ereneow.  Cheers neow!  See ee 'gen dreckly!

Enty May

LONG ROCK COUPLE CELEBRATE 35 YEARS OF MARRIED BLISS

Ethel and Madron Batten (both 56) are Long Rock born and bred and very proud of it, as indeed they are also hugely proud of the fact that neither of them has ever been further than 5 miles from Long Rock. As Madron says “there’s no place better, not even Trura, although I ebbent bin there!”

Proud of their Long Rock origins, Ethel likes, for obvious reasons, to keep quiet the fact that her great grandmother came from St Buryan. “She was orright really, bless ‘er soul. She couldn’t ‘elp it, could she? Some one ‘aev got to come from Burryan.”

Ethel makes wigs “fer bald ‘orses” and works from the comfort of the marital home, which is a handcrafted and lovingly maintained shed by the hedge in the field behind the house in Darlington Road with a swimming pool.

Madron is a proud man, who claims never to have taken a penny from the ‘soshul’ and has held down a wide range of jobs, from Lollipop man to pet shop owner to part-time scarecrow and air traffic controller (we are checking this last claim – Ed).

The much-loved couple are regarded as the social glue of Long Rock Society with Ethel being a mainstay of the local WI and acting as resident jam and cake judge for over 24 years.

For his part, Madron has held the title of ‘Mouse breeder of West Cornwall’ for forty years and he is known for always having a mouse or two secreted about his person. He calls the females “Kitty”, which he thinks is very witty, whilst all the males are known as “Little Willy”.

Madron had been the local Father Christmas for 30 years until his ill-advised proposal to offer extra sweeties to the kiddies, if they could find his “Little Willy”. Despite the widely accepted innocence of this idea, it was agreed that it was now perhaps high time time for the red coat to be handed on.

Incurious about life further up Cornwall, the blessed duo have no knowledge or interest in anything which takes place outside West Cornwall, let alone Cornwall itself or beyond Cornwall. Says Ethel, “Long Rock’s enough fer we and Ludgvan itself is almost too much!”

Two years ago they won a holiday to California but they gave it way. Says Madron, “We aren’t interested in Californee. P’zance is as far as wot we wunta go. We went there fer ar huneemum one afternoon 35 years ago. I got dizzy jes lookin at everythin’. We ad to come ‘ome in the evening as I couldn’ take no more."

Holding hands for the camera, this loving Long Rock couple declared that they were now well set for the next 35 years.

DEBUTANTES BALLS ARE BACK!!

Yes, meet the young ladies of style from West Penwith!

On the left are 8 proud new graduates from the Crows an Wra Young Ladies' Finishing School, who will shortly be introduced as debutantes at the Annual Boswedden Lane Debutantes Ball in September.

This grand social event will be presided over, with his customary seigniorial aplomb, by none other than the esteemed Relubbus Council leader Billy Spargo (107) himself, and whichever belle on whom he chooses to bestow the signal honour of his company on this most prestigious of social occasions in the Cornish calendar.

For certain technical reasons, this tends to be a geriatric nurse with particular experience in urological problems, but this year Councillor Spargo appears to be casting caution to the wind.

Despite his, to lesser folk, incapacitating urological and wind problems, it is hotly rumoured around the fashionable salons of Boswedden Lane that the venerated Relubbus leader (pictured here on the left), will be foregoing his usual practice of taking an experienced nursing companion and instead escorting the young lady on the far left of the top photo, Miss Clamydia Trelowarren (21) to the ball.

The other ladies in the top photo – all aged 21 and all from the top drawer of Relubbus society – are, (to Miss Trelowarren’s right) Miss Cynthia Bunt, Miss Lavinia Minge, Miss Mocca Tartt, Miss Spenda Penny and Miss Dorla Rescorla.

The two girls seated at the front (or ‘gels’ as they prefer to be known) are a tight-knit pair from Botallack, who like to be known as the ‘no-knickers brigade’. They are Miss Brenda Bramanagath and Miss Gwendoline Gwenn.

In accordance with tradition, one lucky debutante will be selected as Queen of the Ball.

The young lady will then be showered with valuable gifts, including this year a £5 voucher to be redeemed at Simpson’s of Penzance; a set of nearly-new heated rollers; a half price cup of coffee at the Wimpy Bar; a free ‘blue rinse’ at Shelley’s Hair and Beauty at St Just and a set of tingly horsehair underwear made to measure by the up and coming King of Lingerie himself, Mr Derek Split-Crotch of Newbridge (pictured left, just putting the finishing touches, with mawther’s iron, to a pair of size 20 panties in genuine plastique.)

The only ‘onerous’ duties are the official opening of the refurbished toilets at Newlyn harbour and the requirement to act as a ‘greeter’ at the toilets from 7.00 am till 9.00 pm for the first 60 days after opening.

This is followed by a week of being duty streetwalker (deputising for ace local tart Ada Quick) at St Buryan (from 3.00 pm until 7.30 pm), donating all proceeds to the Botallack Home for Fallen Women.

However, with all this local exposure, it is easy to see why so many young women regard the attainment of the ‘Queen of the Ball’ title as the best possible launchpad into the world of the West Penwith glitterati. Accordingly, we can only say, may the best young lady win!! We will be reporting further...

NEWS FLASH

KNEE-TREMBLAY NOT DEAD!

Capitaine Aristide Absinthe Knee-Tremblay, whose obituary we carried last week, is, in fact, not deceased. In a statement issued yesterday, M. Knee-Tremblay said, "Reports of my death have been greatly exaggerated. I was merely resting."

The news will be greeted with rejoicing by Knee-Tremblay's many admirers on both sides of the Channel.

Arrangements for a state funeral in St Buryan, where M. Knee-Tremblay lives, have been put on hold -- at least temporarily, while it is established if a relapse is probable; and thus whether the 10,000 pasties obtained from Rowe's on a sale-or-return basis should be retained for another week, or returned immediately.

OBITUARY

CAPITAINE ARISTIDE ABSINTHE KNEE-TREMBLAY
SOLDIER, EXPLORER, RACONTEUR, POET

Capitaine Aristide Absinthe Knee-Tremblay has died, at Tresoddit, his clifftop home in St Buryan, aged 116.

Knee-Tremblay was born in Bal-Trap, a tiny village to the south-west of Paris, on February 30th, 1838. In later years he always claimed to be the lovechild of Napoleon III, but local tradition insists that he was, in fact, the illegitimate son of the local priest and a particularly attractive but slatternly ewe named Genevieve.

As a young man, Knee-Tremblay acquired a reputation as a womaniser, duellist, and gambler. When challenged by the husbands and lovers of his conquests to "choose his weapon", he would invariably select the classical tarte à la crème, in the use of which he was an adept.

Knee-Tremblay published his first volume of verse, Premiers Oeuvres, at the tender age of thirty-eight. This juvenile work, though heavily influenced by Rimbaud and Baudelaire, was nonetheless warmly praised by Stéphane Mallarmé. In later years, Yeats described its influence on his own early work as "bollocks".

But it was in World War II that Knee-Tremblay came to the attention of the British. Following the fall of France, he rowed across the Channel in an open boat and joined De Gaulle's Free French forces in Accrington.

In 1944 Knee-Tremblay was seconded to the 1st Highland Foot and Mouth, in the capacity of French interpreter. It was his job to co-ordinate joint operations between the 1st Highland and the Maquis, after D Day. Unfortunately, Knee-Tremblay's grasp of Scots patois was not as great as his grasp of standard English, and he was apt to make mistakes. It was such a misunderstanding that led to the Maquis' courageous but ultimately doomed attack on the Tunnel of Love at the Lille funfair. Excusing the fiasco after the war, Knee-Tremblay was apt to say that, after all, it was only a sideshow.

After the war, Knee-Tremblay gave up soldiering to pursue his other great interest -- exploration. In five years he visited some of the most remote regions on earth, including the then largely unexplored Amazonian rainforest, central Mongolia, and West Penwith. In the latter region he is credited with being the first modern European to traverse the ancient coastal track from Lamorna to Porthgwarra. The public acclaim that greeted this achievement convinced the Frenchman that he should make his home in Cornwall.

In his later years Knee-Tremblay became a familiar figure in West Cornwall, where he was known affectionately as "that Froggie geezer".

Knee-Tremblay leaves a wife, Mathilde Clothilde, and a son, Absinthe Jnr.

DUCHY'S SURPRISE UNDERGROUND RAIL NETWORK FOR CORNWALL!!

Roundup Reporters have uncovered a secret plan hatched by the Duchy of Seine Königliche Hoheit Prinz Karl von Sachsen-Coburg und Gotha to open an underground rail network in Cornwall in order to relieve road traffic pressures above ground.

The secret plan is already in an advanced stage of preparation with numerous routes already built, including the West Penwith line.

The picture on the left is taken in the tunnel on the Zennor-Pendeen section of the line, which is now complete.

The trains will use a completely new type of technology code-named ZGB (believed to stand for Zero Gravity Bullet). This permits very high speeds without passengers experiencing any sensation of high speed travel.

According to design engineer, Trenwith Polglaze (36), of Goldsithney,(who will now sadly lose his job for talking to us), “the doors duh jes’ shut and open without you moving at all, but when they do open, you see that you are in the next station – it’s magic!”

A secret document shows the proposed journey times between certain destinations. The Zennor-Pendeen section will take just 2 minutes, whilst the stretch from Pendeen to St Just will take a mere 60 seconds. The extensive network is likely to see many people doing away with their cars for good.

Whilst the new underground system is now likely to be warmly welcomed by most of those who live in and visit Cornwall, it is also sadly likely to fuel the flames of controversy.

Firstly, property prices are clearly set to shoot up in those places on the underground route, whilst those hamlets and towns not on the route must reckon with a plummeting fall in property prices.

This can be seen on the attached map, where the West Penwith line leaves Sennen and moves directly to Mousehole, completely bypassing St Buryan. This will be a severe blow to those living in St Buryan, and a particularly cruel blow to any,who might have just moved there recently.

A second source of controversy lies in the fact that some businesses are more conveniently located near to stops than others. For instance, RC Oates Superstore in Relubbus is right next to one of the 25 stations in Relubbus, whereas Morrisons and Tescos in Penzance are some way from the nearest stop, which is at Gems Salon, Poltair Close, Heamoor. Similarly Shelley’s Hair and Beauty in St Just is likely to receive a boost by being located to one of the 6 stops in St Just.

Leaving aside the many controversies, most people are likely to be pleased by the provision of this advanced travel facility.

Many people will be wondering why the Prinz should be making such a gesture to the people of Cornwall. The Roundup has acquired a copy of a tape in which Seine Hoheit explains his actions thus to one of his aristocratic advisers, Heini von Porridge (both pictured here):

Seine Hoheit: “Heini, I haff all my life taken £ millions every year from ze Cornisch. Mein Gott, Zey might be counting!

Now MPs and even ze BBC are giving beck expenses, I sought zat I should give ze Cornish somesink beck. Now I can say zat I haff been takin ze Cornisch millions so zat I could give zem a Underground railway!!””

Heini Porridge: “Exzellent, O mein Prinz! You can also say zat it is good for ze environment – far fewer cars – etcetera!”

Having his whole life long taken huge sums of money as a landlord from one the poorest areas of the UK, the people of Kernow can now expect the Prinz and his Duchy to present them with their brand new Underground railway. If not, just what has he been doing with the money? Shall we count the millions???!!

CLASSIFIEDS

RELUBBUS CORRESPONDENCE COURSES CAN CHANGE YOUR LIFE!!

Lifestyle Guru, Athleton Telescope (41) of Gurnards Head (and formerly of Nancledra)


Offers you 5 life-changing correspondence courses:


1. How to make millions from the New York and Crowlas art markets!

2. DIY Home nuclear fusion kit for under £15 – free energy!

3. The triangle as a means of communicating with alien beings.

4. Home alchemy and how to change sea water into Rioja wine

5. DIY Cosmetic dentistry for under £5

Each course costs just £25 or get all 5 for just £160.

Cornish People – Stay in Cornwall for your holiday!

The 400 bed Kernewek Kemmyn Hotel (formerly ‘the George’) opens its doors to Cornish people only and operates a strictly ‘No English’ policy.

This means that no one can stay unless they can demonstrate Cornish ancestry on both sides for the last ten generations.

The ‘No English policy’ also applies to language – no English words can be used in the hotel or its grounds. For this reason, the Hotel is an ideal environment for anyone seeking an intensive Kernewek Kemmyn experience. Users of other orthographies are NOT permitted, being even less welcome than the English themselves.

This unique linguistic experience is available to you at just £140 per person per night!!

The 400 beds are arranged, in four rooms or dormitories, in sextuple-decker beds. There is an ensuite (in fact ‘in-room’) toilet in every room (please bring own toilet rolls!).

One of the dorms is for children, another for married men, another for their wives and a fourth for ‘others’

The ‘Full Cornish” breakfast consists of ogs pudden and ogs pudden. For an additional £4 per person, you can have the pudden cooked and accompanied by one fried egg and one rasher of bacon.

RELUBBUS CLASSIFIEDS

Women seeking Men

Normal woman, 31, currently working down Tesco’s on the biscuits and sweets, often mistaken for a young Helen Mirren, into ouija boards, mystic smoke and plastic gnomes WLTM interesting young solvent male who goes commando like me at work. 077652 8765

Free-spirited F, 72, 8 ft tall ex-librarian seeks male Anglican tango dancer of similar height and age in Madron. 077432 8761

Lizzie, 5 times divorced, stylish, vivacious, 53 (no STDs). Have received ASBO and face eviction from Colinsey Road home next week. Can offer loving kindness and the odd bit of cleaning and cooking to rich man, preferably living in St Buryan or, possibly, Tregeseal. 077542 5439

Pauline (67), retired builder’s apprentice from Gwavas, can name all the shops on both sides of Market Jew Street from 1905 to the present day. Will be happy to make her special spiced badger patties for the right man who shares her interests. 077652 98632

Men seeking women

Honest ex-Dartmoor inmate (52) seeking to make new life after long stretch (for fraud, not violence) seeks wife (30-35). Able to offer house, car and spending money. Must be a looker – absolutely no mingers! 077634 4532

Defrocked priest, keen handyman (42) , currently living with mother, clean driving licence, told by mother must go or give up collection of 320 budgies. Urgently seeking new billet with understanding woman who will share fondness of budgies. Also must be very careful not to get shampoo into my eyes on Saturday bath nights. 077653 5632

Young multi-millionaire (23), with body like 007, has temporary cash flow problem and is finding it difficult to keep the souped-up Ford Anglia on the road. Needs help from loaded female who likes fast cars. Interviews at No 123 Colinsey Road on Tuesday evening at 9.00pm.

Special Needs

One-legged homosexual postman from Sennen (late fifties and shy), not yet come out, seeks discreet similar, preferably also from Sennen. 077864 6531

Will ‘Nigel of Porthgwarra’ who ‘phoned offering to help us with the problem ‘phone me back, as I have lost his number. We manage up to a point, but then the bag breaks. Arnold 077885 4321

Bill of Gulval (59) has home-made wooden tandem bike, which he would like to share with left-handed woman of similar age who wears (or can be persuaded to wear) pink old-fashioned National Health glasses.

EUROVISION –- SHOCK AFTER SHOCK!

Millions of people are hoping to view the EUROVISION Song Contest, which this year will take place in Moscow.

However, a select few thousand people who have paid small fortunes to attend and ‘be there’ at the event are expected to be furious when they arrive in Moscow, Russia, only to discover that the EUROVISION Contest is actually taking place in the Moscow Stadium in Relubbus, frequently referred to amongst the Cornish cultural cognoscenti as simply ‘Moscow’, as in the phrase “Goin up Moscow tonight, aree?”.

The glittering 90,000 seater Moscow stadium was opened only last year by 104-year-old Councillor Billy Spargo’s pride and joy, his 22-year-old great granddaughter, Tilly Bunt.

Tilly, pictured here on the left wearing clothes, is the well-known burlesque performer who has stormed the far West.

In her 10 month career so far in working men's clubs in and around Crowlas, Tilly has already earned enough to purchase outright a £150,000 estate in St Buryan, as well as a sumptuous £29,000 pad in Adelaide Street, Penzance.

The stadium is shown here on the left in a picture with beautiful Chinese TV reporter, Liu Jingwen.

Liu has come to Relubbus to cover the great event because of the surprise Chinese entry from Mao Ze Dong called “Just Me and my Little Red Book”.

This is believed to be the very FIRST posthumous entry ever in EUROVISION. Precisely how the Chinese will overcome the customary motionlessness associated with being dead is unknown, although experts are expecting a lot of flashing lights on the ‘box’ as well as furious activity from the supporting 150-strong dance troupe. None of the dancers is over the age of 11. This is seen as an attempt to provide a counter-balance to the undeniably deceased state of the ‘singer’.

The Chinese entry is expected to do well because of tactical voting on behalf of the many countries which are looking to China to help pull them out of recession.

However, despite this in-built advantage for the Chinese, all the smart money will be on the late entry from Latvia featuring two Lesbians, Laima and Ludis.

The self-sytyles "Two Lovelies" are singing their own creation Lovegirls’ Lullaby, accompanied by the Riga Harmonica Orchestra of People of Restricted Growth.

This entry is expected to attract a huge loyalty vote from Lesbians throughout the EU, including from certain well-known Penzance guest houses. Bookmakers are now refusing to take bets on the two girls.

What will the result be? Well, wait and see, but you can be sure that the Roundup will be there to report it all for you!!

PENSIONERS BLASTED INTO SPACE

The picture shows the moment at the NASA (Neerly Alright Space Agency) launch pad at Cape Cornwall on Friday, when all twelve inhabitants of a Sancreed Old Folks Home were blasted into space aboard a specially-adapted Western National bus, en route for Mars, the Red Planet.

The successful launch was the culmination of years of planning and effort by thousands of scientists at the giant St Buryan Space City.

As the launch was relayed, on giant television screens, to the underground control room on the seventh level of the Space City, jubilant engineers burst into spontaneous applause, hugging each other in delight. Some were so overcome with relief that their years of effort had not been in vain that tears coursed uncontrolled down their faces.

The object of the expedition is to found a colony -- a kind of mini St Buryan -- on Mars. It is hoped that, in time, the colonists (being Cornish) will be able to exploit the vast mineral wealth of their new home. Once mines have been established, it is envisaged that a trading station will be set up, and that wealth will flow back to the "motherland" of St Buryan.

All the pensioners are volunteers who have seized the chance to begin a new life on the Red Planet. When asked why they volunteered for the mission, a majority said -- unaccountably -- that it was because they were bored with life in Sancreed!

As the picture shows, none of the intrepid astronauts -- courageous though they undoubtedly are -- were willing to sit on the open top deck of the bus during lift-off.

To make the expedition possible, two litres of fuel were supplied free by Cornish entrepreneur and philanthropist W.G. Trevaskis, with Trevaskis's arch-rival RC ("Arsey") Oates and the Kwop making similarly generous contributions.

POETIC UTTERANCE – WAKFER-BORLASE SPEAKS!

Celebrated St Buryan poet Walter Wakfer-Borlase (94) is shown here on the left in a photograph taken by Dorlas Penrose, ultraloyal retainer, in a photo-shoot some thirty years ago.

Wakfer-Borlase has achieved international recognition (throughout St Buryan) for his evocative poetry, which is inspired by the Cornwall "to which I duh owe my all".

The great man penned the following poem from his deathbed, following a walk in bracing winds in Porthleven last week.

PEN SANS (Wosgoinoneera?)

I wen’ over Porthlebben las’ week -
Went fer a walk an’ a li’l bit geek.
The sun was sum lovely, but the sea - it was rough
A wind was up – an' we soon ‘ad enuff.

So we all come ‘ome fer a nice cup tay
A nice warming drink at the end of the day.
We come through P’nzance, the Ross bridge still down
Forcin’ the traffic round an’ up through the town.

That set me to thinkin’ ‘ow much ‘ave gone by
No Marchants, no Jacobs – no real reason why.
The town changes shops, like a woman ‘er dress
But I don’t think the changes are all fer the best.

Now i’s all bleddy phone shops – estate agents too --
Cheap shops and trash shops – give me nuthin’ – nor you.
Tregenza’s, Trezise’s – old names and true
Like Andrewartha and Simpsons – served my grandfathers too.

They are all old ‘real’ businesses – source of pride fer P’nzance
Give the town value and character – their names ring of romance.
‘Ow long will it be till these old names go too
And we’re left with just ANYTOWN’s Orange and O2?

The Roundup is saddened to have to report that Walter choked on his badger broth some few hours after dictating this work to his ever-faithful live-in companion and amanuensis, Dorlas Penrose (72).

Amidst uncontrollable floods of tears, Dorlas stated that his ‘beloved master’ would now, at least, no longer have to witness the continued depletion of old Cornish businesses in the town he fondly described as the capital of West Penwith.

ERRATA

The Roundup is justly known for its high standards of journalism, which are the envy of the newspaper industry. However, even we have made the odd mistake.

We apologise unreservedly to the family of Mrs Doris Lutey, whose obituary last week was entitled “Soliciting in Penzance for over 35 years”. Mrs Lutey’s calling is, of course, more properly described as that of a solicitor.

We also apologise to Mrs Lutey herself, who has written in to tell us that she is not yet, in fact, dead. Following extensive negotiations with Mrs Lutey, the Roundup has agreed to pay a sum of £12.50 to the Sancreed Methodist Home for Fallen Women.

FASHION KING CAUSES CONTROVERSY AND CHAOS ON CATWALK!!

Madron “Piskey” Polglaze, the quirky but hugely talented designer (34) has wrong-footed fashion houses around the world with his latest 'Emperor' creations, which have taken the fashion world by storm.

They have also, for various reasons, given rise to controversy on the famed catwalks of St Buryan and Boswedden Lane in Relubbus.

The diminutive design king may just be 3 ft 7 inches tall, but his career accomplishments leave him towering over aspiring competition such as that from Versace, Calvin Klein and Tommy Whitehorn.

However, the latest grand launch from this fearless fashionista has left the competition numbed and without response.

Polglaze, who prides himself on the use of natural materials in his designs, has hit upon a means of fashioning clothing from onions. The method of preparation is laborious in the extreme.

Firstly, an onion is peeled into its many (often as many as 400!) separate layers. Using an electron microscope, each layer is then sliced into extremely thin strips. The strips are then woven together to produce a thread, from which -- finally -- the clothes are fashioned.

Typically of this - in his own words - 'charismatic and caring' character, he has farmed out this intricate work to thousands of workers in far-off Bangladesh, ”so that others can benefit from this clothing boom”.

Amazingly, Polglaze can create a dress out of just three onions, although it takes just short of a million man hours to manufacture the fabric for one dress. Whilst the raw material is therefore extremely cheap (all onions are sourced from West Penwith), the labour costs are potentially enormous (in Bangladeshi terms).

However, Polglaze hit upon the brilliant idea of avoiding the huge cost of millions of man hours by offering the work instead to Bangladeshi children, who can do the work “for some useful pocket money”, when they are not in school or out playing.

He dismisses all charges of child exploitation by saying that it is just like doing a paper round in Cornwall.

Critics counter this with the accusation that there is a great deal of difference between a half-hour paper round and a 20-hour working day every day, dealing with almost invisible strands of onion.

Polglaze has been summoned to appear before the Greater Relubbus Urban Council’s Ethics Committee chaired by no less than the Council Chairman himself, Billy Spargo (101) to answer this accusation.

Meanwhile on the catwalk itself, there is no less controversy. So thin is the hugely expensive fabric that it appears that the models are almost naked, as shown in the picture on the left.

As top St Buryan model, Lavinia Liddicoat (23) said "I 'ad to 'ave danger money to wear they bleddy dresses - people could see my knickers an all!! So we got double money - £3.50 an hour - otherwise I would'n never 'ave done it!"

Despite their invisibility and flimsiness, these dresses do not come cheap – with the cheapest dress set to retail at £45,999!!

Aggie Andrewartha (96) the President of the Ludgvan branch of the Lesbian Dinner Ladies Association said “At they bleddy prices, e’ll be lucky to sell any round ‘ere!! Pity really, the fabric is so thin, at least it duh make you look slimmer!”

Aggie's Association, which has 35,000 members, has enormous clout in the West Cornish haute couture market.

Polglaze may well have economic ruin ahead of him -- quite apart from the ignominy of a roasting before Spargo's much-feared Committee.

The Roundup will report further.