NEWS IN BRIEF

Double Life of Local Worker on Newlyn Kwop Cheese Counter

Newlyn was rocked by the revelation that single mother of seven and part time worker on the cheese counter at the Newlyn Kwop, Mrs Nora Batten (57) has been leading a double life as leader of the Libyan state, where she is known as Muammar al-Gaddafi.

Nora was rumbled on the bus out of Newlyn on her way to Relubbus International Airport, where she was due to board an Oates seatless Easiflight plane to Tripoli.  

Nora had bumped into her old friend from approved school days, retired Gulval streetwalker Wendy Trezise (57) and, as Wendy was in the habit of buying lottery tickets for the pair, Nora was searching out necessary money in her handbag, when her air ticket and Libyan passport fell out.

Says a shocked Wendy, "Noone kuddna bin more surprised 'n' what I was, I kintellee!  I'd knawn she since school.  This 'ere air ticket come out 'er 'anbag, followed by a passport witha picture o' she onut with all this 'ere Ayrab writin' onun!  'Ere maid, wassal this 'ere then, I sed tuh she, I sed!"

Nora was apparently lost for words and then poured out the tale of how she, after the birth of her third child when her then partner was out of work,  answered an advert in the Cornishman for a politically astute statesman to run a North African country on a part time basis.  Hours would be light and rewarded with good money and cash in hand.

Nora couldn't resist the temptation to 'go for it' and has since been leading a double life, frequently disappearing off to Tripoli to do a bit of leadership. 

As well as picking up a handy £13 14s 9d each week in cash, she led a high-powered life in Tripoli with her own luxury tent and a company of all female bodyguards, as well as a red Ford Anglia 105E Saloon with as much free petrol as she could use.

Nora is now under contract to the Roundup to publish her memoirs of this fascinating double life. These will be serialised here in the Roundup, just as soon as Nora has learnt to write.

West Penwith Witches campaign for the right to be taken seriously

Crows an Wra was the inevitable meeting place of the special Convention of West Penwith Witches which was held last week.

The convention was called by Leading Witch and Queen of the Coven, Sheila Bramangath (52) so that the sisterhood could debate ways of encouraging members of the public to desist from pointing at them and laughing.

Says Sheila, who has a part time job on vegetables at Tesco, "Ee idden funny no more. If we duh gwout in our speshul clothes doin' our ceremonies in the fields, we got kids laughin' at we and the adults aren't no better neither!"

Sheila, who was bound to partner Gwen (31), a trainee trolley attendant, in a special handfasting ceremony during the convention, reported that, in a unanimous vote, the sisterhood had agreed to be fearless and indomitable.

She also hinted darkly that the frog population of West Penwith might be suddenly increased if certain people "didden shut their bleddy mouths!"

Pendeen Man swims underwater from Cape Cornwall to Newlyn

Willy Pender (66), a retired jobseeker, claims to have set a new swimming record by swimming under water all the way round the coast from Cape Cornwall to Newlyn.

He says that he undertook the swim last week, which has surprised many given the uninvitingly cool sea temperatures at this time of year.  Even more astoundingly, he claims to have come up for air only on 9 occasions.

Disappointingly, there are no independent witnesses to this marvellous feat apart from Willy's 95-year-old housebound mother, Agnes, who stated, "I sawun leave th' 'ouse las' Tuesday.  When 'ee cum back, 'ee was sum ungry, 'ee was.  'Is woollen trunks was soppin' wet too!"

Willy is now appealing for witnesses prepared to state that they saw him on his marathon swim, which took place between 9.10 am and 9.45 am last Tuesday morning.  He adds, "If anyone duh come forward, I'll see un alright, when the money duh start flowin' in!"

BIG FORTHCOMING VILE EVENT!

The RELUBBUS PANOPTICON theatre is proud to be able to present a two year season of CURT VILE and his 500 strong Kazoo orchestra.

The performances will take place 6 times a day non-stop for the next 730 days (with extra performances over Christmas, New Year and Bank Holidays!!).

Although the PANOPTICON seats 20,000 people at a time, you are advised to book now early so as to avoid disappointment.

Curt, pictured here on the left at the start of his prolific career only 85 years ago, will be conducting all of the shows AND singing all of the songs, which are, of course, his own compositions.

These are just some of the old favourites he will be singing for you:
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I’ve got the time, I’ve got the place, but it’s hard to find the girl, Olivia!

My wife’s friend’s sister’s old blue hat

Just pass me that bucket right now!

What I wouldn’t do - for a woman just like you

My tiepin fell down through the plughole in the sink

And afterwards I shake it three times gently
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Seats - Stalls £150 Circle £250 Dress Circle £450

Curt Vile playing old favourites for the young at heart!!

Concerts sponsored by RELUBBUS AIRWAYS

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RELUBBUS AIRWAYS with its fleet of 10,000 2 seater bi-planes – each manned by a fully-trained pilot and a nurse/stewardess (like the dream craft pictured left) fly all over the world from RELUBBUS INTERNATIONAL AIRPORT and are waiting to whisk you away on the flight of your dreams!

Remember, we fly at heights of up to 1,000 feet in all weathers and so passengers are requested to wear a warm coat, gloves and hat with strap.

Lavish in flight refreshments (a sealed flask of hot BOVRIL and two Jacobs Cream Crackers) are served by our stewardess to each of the two passengers.

For longer flights, such as those to Australia, additional crackers may be made available.

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**Flights back home should be booked with the cheap £1 outward flight to avoid the 750,000% surcharge. Without surcharge, flight back from Newquay just £345, from Paris £12,567 and from Canberra £69,500.

MILLENIUM DOME SOLD TO RELUBBUS

GRUC CHAIRMAN BILLY SPARGO ACQUIRES SURPLUS GOVERNMENT STOCK
Latest report from our roving reporter Horton Tregarthen

Greater Relubbus Urban Council (GRUC) Chairman Billy Spargo flew into the recently completed Terminal 5 at Relubbus International Airport yesterday with some exciting news.

Speaking from the steps of the Council's Air Force 1, he told the assembled crowd of reporters that, while on holiday up London, he had wandered down Petticoat Lane and found that Charlie Tresidder (a quondam resident of Goldsithney) was selling off the O2 Arena (formerly known as the Millennium Dome), with the London Eye thrown in free.

Billy, fortuitously having the Council's petty cash box in his environmentally-friendly Kwop shopping bag, decided that the spare cash he had brought for "expenses" could be used to benefit the Council by buying the Dome.

Dome ready to be towed by tug around to Relubbus

After handing over £3. 17s. 6d to Charlie (and getting a receipt, to comply with the Council's standing orders), he telephoned his niece, local reporter Tryphena Spargo-Spargo, who passed the inside story on to the Roundup.

"'Ere", he told her, "that bleddy tent thing they cain't find a use fer up Lundun will come in 'andy fer putting over our new caravans on Mount Relubbus when it d git a bit windy."

The Eye is proving a little difficult to get back to Relubbus, so Billy is going to ring the NT and see if they will buy it for the new Trengwainton Wildlife Park.

He reckons they "smart buggers up there will be able to think of a way to raffle it off for their funds. But we d' think any nervous members can use it if they're a bit frightened of the new setup with all they there wild animals."

WARSPITE WRECK DISCOVERED

By stand-in reporter Horton Tregarthen
Recent photo of the Warspite taken from a specially diverted Relubbus Airways flight to Mousehole heliport

It had always been understood, and indeed, even reported back in the 1950s in the pages of that lesser journal, the Cornishman, that scrap metal from the wreck of HMS Warspite had been stored at the Albert Quay in Penzance, and later transferred to various steelworks. Now, in a shock revelation, it has emerged that this was nothing but a ghost story.

Greater Relubbus Urban Council (GRUC) workers have today let slip that they found the "wreck" intact in a secret location near Prussia Cove when they were down there helping GRUC Chairman, Billy Spargo, put a "lick o' paint" on his 500-odd holiday chalets.

They seemingly came across the ship beached in an inaccessible cove on land owned by Mr Spargo. They were overheard by a Roundup roving reporter discussing the find amongst themselves next to Trevaskis's Mobile Croust van.

When the reporter confronted Councillor Spargo with both the story and with a photo taken on a specially diverted Relubbus Airways flight, he had no option but to come clean.

His father had "acquired and parked" the vessel in the cove and had told the young Billy, "'Ere boy, if ay 'ave a bit o' trouble you can bring 'er out of mothballs to elp ay".

It was Billy's intention to do just this at a significant moment in the development of hostilities between Relubbus and Hayle. Assisted by a few hand-picked men, he intended to sail the newly re-named Pride of Relubbus, together with vital assistance from the flagship of the Liechtenstein Navy, round Land's End to the Hayle estuary and then "blaw they there Hayle buggers off the face o' the earth. And our first shot will be at that damn viaduct of theirs!"
"The calm before the Storm" -- a quiet scene at the Hayle viaduct which is soon to be targeted by the newly formed Relubbus Navy

A spokesman at Devonport naval base, Sir Cloudsley Shovel, today stated that if Billy Spargo wishes to return the ship "then we won't take the matter any further".

However, with the nameplates now changed all over the ship, Billy believes that an impossible burden of proof now lies with the British Royal Navy, if it were to seek to assert ownership.