5 YEARS AGO THIS WEEK

In the first of an occasional series, we reprint selected stories from our archives. How different Relubbus was just five years ago!

WEST CORNWALL IN SONG

The Reverend Bartholomew Peninula has been an advocate of the virtues of song for as long as he can remember. He has gathered singing talents from the lengths and breadths of Mouzel and environs to put together a ‘winning troupe’.

Pictured on the right of the Reverend gentleman are Mathew Laity (29) from Bologas, Martin Rodda (32) from Tresvennack, Davey Kneebone (41) from Chyenhal, Derek "Shortie" Semmens (37) from Trereife Smelting House, and Philadelpha Pentreath (71) from Kerris, sporting moustache and standing to the right.

The troupe will enter the West Cornwall singing contest with high hopes of getting through to the All-Cornwall event.




Little lost souls looking for a home

Just released from the Madron home for the criminally insane, Charlie Paynter and Madge Baragwaneth pictured here with their "cheeld" known as the "babby" are looking for a loving home in the West Cornwall area.

With several murders apiece, the deadly duo have caused something of a stir in a number of village communities. However, it is hoped that finding them a home in a larger community such as that of Penzance or Crows an Wra would provide the stability that these young folk need to keep them on the straight and narrow.

Offers of help from good Christian homes will be welcomed and should be addressed to the editor of the Roundup, who will forward them to the authorities.



Young "Woman" seeks position

Jemima Trevithal (24), formerly Michael Bollock, a granite quarryman from Rosecarne, is seeking a position as a lady’s maid to a lady of quality, preferably in the Penzance area.

Jemima describes herself as a realist with a cheerful disposition. "My maither d’say that I got winsome looks and oughtie ave been a young lady an I aren’t going to give up on my dream of being the best in the West as a lady’s maid."

Jemima is hopeful of being taken into a home of gentility, where she can further develop her feminine side to a point approaching some degree of credibility.

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The ingredients of the elixir are, of course, a closely guarded secret, but Thelonius assures us that they are all distilled from naturally occurring substances found in the environs of Sennen and his goat compound. There is indeed a distinctly 'goatey' smell to the viscous brown fluid that is the elixir. (When quizzed by our Sennen reporter about the magic ingredients, Thelonius just gazed back from his mesmerisingly droopy eyes and said ...nothing.)

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Hanging by a thread..?

William Ladner (13), drummer of St Just Silver Band, has begun his annual fund-raising efforts for Comic Relief. William is suspended from a swinging trapeze secured only by the curve of his neck and the fervent hope that he will not drop to his death -- no safety net!

William intends to stay up -- without a break -- for 72 hours and all the while he will be playing drum solos, at 10 pence a time, as requested by the public.

Last year, William raised an astonishing 90 pence for good causes and he is determined to better that achievement this time round. William can be viewed -- hanging precariously -- at the Mousehole Methodist Youth Club from Thursday to Saturday.



Local Tycoon starts Charitable Foundation

Richard Quick, the West Cornwall building magnate, who is estimated to be worth some £35 million, has decided that it is time to share his wealth with the less advantaged in the community. He has started up a new charity called "Quick Money". The needy are requested to telephone the charity on an 0800 number and explain the nature of their need for cash. No call is expected to cost more than £4.50.

Tens of thousands of people are expected to call, since Mr Quick has promised to allot the lucky annual winner one of his homes on a holiday estate in Hayle.

When questioned by the West Cornwall Fraud Squad about certain flaws in the charitable nature of his new undertaking, Mr Quick brushed all criticisms aside with a flick of his cigarette, explaining that as long as someone benefited from the charity (possibly himself, in view of the volume of calls) no one was getting hurt.
Loopy Lesneweth is back in town!

Crowds gathered at the advance ticket office of the Sennen Picture House for the sell-out tour of the man they like to call Loopy Laughing Jack Lesnoweth of Lescudjack. The renowned petard amazes his audiences with his ability to blow out a candle at a distance of 35 feet by the sheer force of wind power. Loopy eats only baked beans and raw onions and likes to think that it is his rigid eating regime which keeps him on top of his game.

By day, Loopy works as a driver for St Erth Creamery. All his earnings from his evening entertainment work go to the Newlyn home for fallen Methodist young women, which explains why his act is strongly endorsed by the ministers of the St Just Methodist Circuit.

The Reverend Horton Bolitho commented that the Lord works in wondrous ways and stated that Loopy had been blessed by a divine wind.





Global Warming -- Watch Out!

Intrepid Cornish Inventor, Joseph Bodruggan from Copperhouse in Hayle, has done it again. Aware that the planet faces its greatest challenge in Global Warming, Joe has applied his restless mind to finding a practical solution.

The answer has come in the form of his "bikodrome". A skilled bike rider is balanced on the drum and peddles like mad. The drum turns, producing an electrical current, which can be made available to the National Grid. Joe’s plan is that every house should have a "bikodrome", powered by an illegal immigrant.

The Roundup is proud to have been able to bring you this story first -- before the Nationals.







Poetry Corner
Missus Ollis’s Cat
by a pupil of Lescudjack County Secondary School

Missus Ollis got a cat -- a ginger one -- called Timmy
I ad my eye on ee you see -- me and my mate, Jimmy.

She let n out jes after tea and we grabbed n as ee slinked past
We tied a banger to is tail and never seen n shift so fast.

Policeman Carne came after we, but we was bleddy smart
Ee walked up past where we was id -- laid still - we eard n fart.

But Missus Ollis tole my Ma and she then tole my Dad
Ee gived me ell and belted me - it never urt so bad.

I aren’t upset or nuthin -- tha’s jes the way it goes
I’ll get that bleddy cat again -- is no skin off my nose.

Philip Trudgeon (14)

Passed Ovver (Obituaries)

Welcome to the ever-popular "'Oo’s Dead?" section of the Roundup!

The first thing that some of our older readers do when they get their hands on their edition of the Roundup is to check up on who’s passed away. This month has seen the usual harvest of the Grim Reaper in the luscious lands of West Penwith and it is with great sadness that we convey the news that the following folk have gone to meet their maker:
Eliza Treloar (86), who lived most of her life as a man (Tommy Treloar, a building labourer with a penchant for sombreros), has died in the Barncoose psychiatric hospital for confused trans-sexuals.

Eliza, as she insisted on being known after her 66th year, had fathered a total of 62 children with 11 different mothers -- all over West Penwith. Amazingly, none of the mothers ever knew of or met any of the others. As he had been a jobbing labourer, it was always assumed that he was "away on a job" and never suspected that he could be away on the job.

Eliza continued working -- as a man -- until his 66th year, when he quit to apply for immediate admittance to the Barncoose hospital, where he swapped his sombrero for a flowing floral flamenco dress and castanets. He never left the hospital once and, when the mothers of his children separately found their way to the doors of the hospital, he denied all knowledge of both them and their children, screaming "I aren’t able to faither no children -- I’m a bleddy woman!"

The funeral will take place at Gluvias Street Methodist Church at 2.00 pm next Wednesday. Mourners will be welcome, but are asked to send no flowers. Instead they should feel free to contribute to the Treloar Abandoned Children’s Fund.

Isaac Trenery (45), a devoted amateur dramatist and much-loved local man, passed away quietly and most unexpectedly at home over the weekend. Mr Trenery worked on the Cheese counter at the Lower Co-op in Penzance since he left Heamoor School at the age of 15. He never married, despite his obvious popularity with the housewives, who were prepared to queue for hours to buy his cheese. He lived quietly at home with his mother and his pet gerbils, Cindy and Celandine. He discovered his dramatic bent rather late in life, becoming, at the invitation of a friend, a member of the West Cornwall Men’s Drama Group. Although he most often took girls’ parts, he did occasionally play men and is seen on the left in his favourite role of Macbeth in last year’s production at Nancledra.

Limpy Polglaze (67), owner of the popular Russian Revolutionary Shoe Shop in Bread Street, Penzance, passed away on Monday Night. Limpy leaves a widow, Agnes, and three adult children.

Limpy was a brilliant and colourful Penzance entrepreneur, who was always on the lookout to corner a market. He started his career by launching the Italian Operatic Fish and Chip Shop in Hayle. Tiring quickly, as he did, with every new idea, he moved on to his next "big opportunity" with the opening of Poseidon’s, his Underwater Bookshop, between Penzance Harbour and Battery Rocks. Losing interest in this venture (along with his entire stock and two staff members) following a bad winter storm, he began his theme of "big winners", a string of retail opportunities with different historical themes. Previous themes have included the Elizabethan Lavatory Company; the Tudor Television Company (featuring the world’s only entirely wooden TV set); Legionary’s, the Imperial Roman bakery and delicatessen; and also Atahuallpa’s, the Inca menswear company.

Limpy, a man unfazed by the fact that his left leg was a good four inches shorter than his right, was contented to the last. His funeral will take place at the Kiev-Pechersk Cave Monastery and afterwards (quite a bit afterwards) at the Truro Crematorium.

Dickie "Banjo" Trevains (54) passes on. Commuters from Penzance Railway station will have been familiar with the sight of Dickie Trevains and his banjo. With only one song in his repertoire, Dickie would go to the Station on his days off from work and pluck away enthusiastically at his banjo to accompany himself singing, in his falsetto voice, his Spice Girls’ favourite "Two become one".

Thought harmless until his unfortunate arrest some years back for exposing himself to passing schoolgirls, Dickie tried his best, despite his characteristic "toppest" top hat, to simply blend in with local society. He came to West Penwith at the age of 22 and worked for SWEB, then St Just Co-op, and finally Morrisons. Never marrying, he leaves his pet pig, Pauline, to the bacon counter at Morrisons.

LONELY HEARTS
The Roundup has been besieged by the unattached of West Penwith to offer an introduction facility. We are pleased to do so in this edition and hope that the young people featured here will soon find the partner of their dreams.

Looking for Love in Tredenneck
Lavinia Barnicoat (23) of Bosliven Lane, Tredinnick is looking for a man to complete her life. Lavinia lives at home with her widowed mother and works at the nearby Chynoweth farm as a labourer. Her interests are cross stitch, Sudoku, line dancing, making home-made candles, tormenting small animals, and music. Her passion is the jew’s harp, on which she can play the flight of the bumble bee at devastating speed. Her dream is to find a Prince Charming with whom she can share a life of luxury in a place like St Just, in a house with an inside toilet. Interested Romeos should reply to Box 3024.


In the mood for romance in Ludgvan

Amelia Lewellian (29) of Ludgvan is a catch for any young man. Only child of dairy farmer Ambrose Lewellian (78), she brings with her the warming prospect of the thriving farm in years to come. Close observers of her photograph will have noticed that, whilst Amelia has a fine head with a fetching face marred only by two hardly noticeable moles, she does lack a body. This has held her back in the courting stakes, as she finds it tricky to engage in any of the activities requiring a body. Ambrose hopes that the "farm’ll swing it. Plenty a boys out there ud luv to git their ‘ands on a farm like gis". Amelia remains hopeful. Box 2037 is the one to write to.


Shy but willing to try
Rachel Lanyon (27), a lap-dancer from Gwavas Estate in Newlyn, is a shy retiring girl looking for a similarly quiet man. She says that he should be of advanced years, poor in health, but very rich. "I aren’t a gold-digger. I duh jest find rich men easier to talk to." Rachel lists her interests as collecting old coins of the realm, antiques, jewellery, and fast cars. Her as yet unfulfilled dreams are to "'ave snails in some posh restaurant in Penzance and to do a bit o dogging at the Taj Mahal in India". Interested men (wealthy and over the age of 85) should write to Box 2047.



Fancy a bender?

Gay plumber, Thomas Nankervis (37) of Treave, is looking for a long term relationship. Tired of playing the gay scene in Treave, Thomas is looking to settle down. His interests are bowls, darts, model railways, collecting bus and train numbers, racing his toy yacht, and cooking and baking. Thomas also plays the triangle in Helston Silver band. Interested males, preferably from Treave, are asked to write to Box 4589.







Doctor looking for love

Dr Richard "Scatty" Botheras (42) is a colourful character on the St Ives social and medical scene. Hating dealing with illness and ailments, Scatty likes to cheer up all those he meets with jolly japes, laughs and fun. "Why worry about the illness that will soon have you dead, just have a laugh and a chuckle with me instead!"

With one of the shorter patient lists in medical history (he only had 52 patients left at time of writing), Scatty is looking for a woman to help him with his burden of caring for the sick in St Ives. Box 4521 is the one to write to.


Are you ready for the Boscobba experience?
Grace "Asbo" Friggens (25), of Penorven Drive, Boscobba, is looking for a brave man willing to give her a second chance. With a series of convictions for unprovoked spontaneous knife assaults on the young men of Boscobba, Grace has been finding it hard to form relationships.

Currently unemployed, it is her dream to find a young man with whom to settle down and make a home, preferably in Boscobba. With a population of just 35, this could be a tall order, as she has seriously injured all the young males currently living in the village. However, she fervently hopes that this serene picture of female pulchritude will lure young males from all around West Penwith. Box 2987 is the one to write to.





The Ladies are back!

Many readers have asked for another picture of the Gwithian Ladies Pedicycle Club. We cannot accede to Mr Bosher Thomas’s request for them to be shown in the nude, but they are modelling the latest in knitted cycle wear -- the next best thing.

Pictured, from the left, are June Beckerleg (26), Mary Hocking (24), Eliza Tonkin (25), Gracie Chellew (29), Martha Tregenza (18) and Faith Kelynack (19).

Since they only have the one bike between them, the ladies are keen to meet men of property in West Penwith, who would be prepared to invest in the Club. (No hanky panky!)

RELUBBUS POETRY FEST

Saturday evening at the Relubbus Arts Club, in its sumptuous and prestigious location in Morrab Alley (just off the famed Boswedden Lane), was the setting for a most eagerly awaited Poetry Fest, presided over by renowned society and literary hostess, Dame Margo Boskenna-Pendarves-Stuff-Art (89, shown left).

The event was packed with luminaries of the Relubbus intellectual and literary world, all of whom had gathered to listen to new works by the giants of the Relubbus poetry scene -- Philip Trudgeon (15) and ‘Odjo Semmens (93).

The evening began with a delicious tea, which was generously donated by Mr R.C. Oates, the famous local mega-multibillionaire philanthropist, who had dug deep into his well-filled pockets to supply each person with a slice of cold ‘og’s pudden, a quarter slice of saffern with a smidgeon o’ cream and a cup tay (one only per person!).

After this regal repast, the crowd then settled into the five comfy wooden folding chairs provided and a reverent hush descended on the room as ‘Odjo (shown left) slowly made his way up to the lectern. This much-loved, albeit ripely smelling, old man clad in his hallmark brown (to be safe!) cord trousers with matching hat typically made a sartorial statement every bit as striking as his poetry by wearing a pair of stilettos in post office red.

After noisily, but necessarily, clearing his throat and mouth of several tissues worth of phlegm, he then spoke out his verse in the loud sonorous trumpeting voice we have come to love:

Aggie ‘ad a stroke

I seen ‘er g’win the Kwop down Prom

This mornin’ -- ‘bout ‘a’ pas’ nine.

An’ now I’ve ‘eard she’s up Treliske;

‘ad a stroke, but doin’ fine.

Tha’s the way ee duh go, boy,

You k’int never be too sure.

Take a good long look at the world, my cock,

Before you duh shut the door.

Silence followed the delivery of these potent words, as the mass of people - acting as one -- drank in their meaning and devoted their whole being for almost half an hour to intense interpretation of their significance.

The spell was broken when, led by Dame Margo, the other four leapt to their feet in rapturous applause, whilst the old man tripped slowly back to his seat, precarious on his stilettos.

It was then that the centre of attention focussed on the boy prodigy, Philip Trudgeon (15). He made his way up to the lectern accompanied by PC Carne of the Relubbus police. This unusual measure was a quid pro quo insisted on by the authorities in return for the temporary removal of young Philip’s electronic tag.
It was then that the young ‘master read out his latest work:

Bashin’ ants till tea-time

I duh like sitting on the pavement in the sunshine, when the summer’s ere.

I duh like to watch the ants come out their nest, when I got a ‘ammer near.

I duh ‘it all they little buggers as they duh come runnin’ out,

An’ I play out tunes wi’ the ‘ammer, when I duh give they all a clout.

I can sit three fer ‘ours doin’ that, till Mum calls me in fer tea,

Then I duh git up wi’ me ‘ammer an’ duh g’w’ome reluctantly.

For those who were counting, the other person at the event was Alice Chirgwin-Jacka, Poetry Correspondent of the Relubbus Roundup, who testifies to the powerful impact the poem had on all those present.

Each person attending was given a small memento, in the form of a little hammer and some captured ants in a matchbox, and then the hordes made their way home .

Alice Chirgwin-Jacka

Issue 8, 30th July 2007

SPARGO SAYS PAKISTAN EMBASSY "TOO BIG"
by our Diplomatic Correspondent Rendall Janner

Outspoken Councillor Billy Spargo has caused ripples within the Relubbus diplomatic community by stating that the Pakistani Embassy in Relubbus is too large and calling for the number of diplomats (believed to number around 1,000) to be greatly reduced.

The picture on the left shows the gates of the Pakistani Embassy compound in Boswedden Lane. Apparently a "garden party" is in progress, and many hundreds of people (if not over a thousand) can be seen having a good time.

Mrs Edith Tregarthen (67), who lives next door at No.8, said "They are nice people, but before it was an embassy there was only Mr and Mrs Liddicoat living there with their dog, and it was cramped then. Now I don’t know how many they got crammed in there but it can’t be right!"

Spargo, the "voice of the people", agrees and has asked for the number of staff at the Embassy to be cut down to 10 at most. Controversially, he has also asked for the three mosques that have been built in the compound to be removed. Extremist Methodist groups have been threatening to "take out" the mosques and Spargo’s requests for staff reductions and the removal of the mosques is seen as an attempt to lower the temperature amongst the more dangerously militant Methodist groupings.

Firebrand Reverend Ezekiel Polkinghorne from Tremethick Cross, known to be a leader of one of the more recklessly dangerous Methodist groupings -- the "Bible Bashers" -- has greeted Spargo’s words with grudging tight-lipped approval, stating merely "It’s a proper job", when asked for his opinion by one of our Reporters.
EXCLUSIVE: identity of royal conman revealed!
by Society Correspondent Rendall Janner

As previously revealed by the the Roundup, "Camilla, Duchess of Cornwall" is actually Lily Nichols, an ex bag-lady from Perranuthnoe, who has succeeded in convincing large sections of the English media that she is an aristocrat.

What has not been known, up to now, is the identity of her con-man partner, who claims to be the "Duke of Cornwall". The pair are shown left, at a charity ball in aid of homeless inebriates. We are assured that tickets for this function cost upwards of £700, and that (in tribute to the supposed beneficiaries of the event) the wine flowed freely, as evidenced by the "Duke"'s rosy nose! We understand that the organizers were so keen to have "royalty" present that they guaranteed Lily a 20% off-the-top rake off. (It's always good to see a local girl better herself. Ed)

The Roundup can now reveal that the "Duke" is actually Bert ("Len") Harvey from Towednack. Len attended the Humphry Davy Grammar School in Penzance, where he came to notice playing upper class twits in school drama productions. After school, Len furthered his acting career by joining the Cripples Ease' Players. His Bertie Wooster in the Cripples' 1964 production of P.G. Wodehouse's Joy in the Morning is still spoken of with awe by those fortunate enough to have witnessed it. Rarely can gormless vacuity have been portrayed so convincingly! The shuffling gait, the vacant grin, the strange, strangulated accent, the awkward hands and feet -- all were perfection. It is easy to see how Len's "Charles" became the perfect foil for Lily's "Camilla".

Len has Show Biz in his blood. He is a nephew of eccentric busker Dickie "Banjo" Trevains (shown left), who entertained generations of commuters at Penzance Railway station by singing, in his falsetto voice, the one song in his repertoire, the Spice Girls’ favourite, "Two become one".

Rest assured that the Roundup will bring you more news of Len and Lily's exploits as we get it.

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Mousehole Girls do us proud!
by Arts Correspondent Rendall Janner

Appearing in the hit musical, South Pacific, being staged at Tremethick Cross, are the following 6 local beauties -- all from the Mousehole vicinity.

From the left can be seen Prudence Pengilly (19) from Tregidden, Patience Daniel (21) from Noongallas, Cordelia Uren (20) from Tredenneck, Hester Lawry (18) from Penhorven, Ethel Nicholls (22) from Tregonwell and Ursula Barnicoat (21) from Rosemorran.

Although they are pictured here fully clothed, the production calls for the girls to perform their song and dance routines in the nude. Initially reluctant to do so, they have overcome their inhibitions for the sake of their art (and for the sake of the additional £5 per head donated by the show’s sponsor, Mr Quentin Bolitho).

This unusual feature of the production has caused it to be packed out night after night, playing to a capacity audience of 5 ever since it opened two days ago.

The musical’s controversial director, ex-Reverend Job Morris, commented "Artistes must be prepared to make small sacrifices for their art and I am pleased to be able to personally confirm that each of the girls has made that sacrifice."

Tickets for the production (at £1.50 each) are available from Friggens dairy and the Alexandra Road Tuck Shop in Penzance, from the Kwop in Newlyn, and from RC Oats’ Superstore in Relubbus.
PC Trembath in trouble again
by Crime Correspondent Rendall Janner

PC "Strikey" Trembath has been in trouble yet again. Although his methods do not always conform to PACE guidelines, they are, he says, always successful.

"I get they buggers and keep bashin’ ‘em till they duh confess!", he said.

Pictured here on the left in happier times, PC Trembath has been accused of using unnecessary force to restrain a suspect.

"I seen this man with a smart car an’ I thought I’ll take ‘ee down a peg or two!"

Trembath approached the man, hit him,and, when the man tried to defend himself, screamed at him "Got you now, you bastard, for attacking a police officer!"

The suspect subjected to this unusual form of questioning was a holidaymaker, who was subsequently released after his claim to be the Chief Constable of West Yorkshire Constabulary turned out to be correct.
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UP CHAPEL
By our Religious Affairs Correspondent Ayatollah Osama Bin Trezidder

Another big turnout was registered for Archilaus Boswedden’s popular evening service at Kenidjack Lane Methodist Chapel.

Once again Archilaus (79) delivered his message in song, taking the trinity as his theme and modifying the Spice Girl’s song Two become One as the prime medium of delivery.

He was accompanied by his sister, Faith, on the banjo and bravely battled with his stammer to give an evening of unparalleled entertainment for four hours.

The battery of sound even succeeded in masking Archilaus’ unfortunate wind problem, although it could do nothing to reduce the impact of his body odour.

The evening was rounded off with a pasty supper, which was attended by the entire congregation of 14.
DOWN PENDRAWARTHA'S
By our Senior Citizen Correspondent Rendall Janner

The atmosphere at Pendrewartha’s Home for the Elderly was enlivened last week by a visit from doughty old amateur impressionist and mime artist, Jehosophat (Joe) Curnow of Praze-an-Beeble, pictured here on the left.

Joe, 85, did his famous routine "Guess ‘oo this is!", giving lively impressions of many folk now long dead -- to the clear delight of the least confused members of his audience. One inmate, Elspeth Kelynack, said "I duh nearly wet myself when ‘ee duh do they voices -- is jes like they people was ‘ere in the room! Course, they’re all passed away now..."

Joe surprised his audience with an unexpected new talent at the end of his performance, when he tried to do his "Chippendale routine". Joe’s performance was sadly interrupted when his colostomy bag ruptured and he had to be rushed to hospital.
OVER ‘ARRY’S
By Crime Correspondent Rendall Janner

‘Arry’s famous Port and Starboard fish and chip shop at Gurnard’s Head was the scene of some considerable disturbance over the past week, as the establishment has been picketed by ‘Arry’s common-law wife, Bessie Peninula (35), after a disagreement about Bessie’s steadfast refusal to wash.

Accompanied by a local vagrant, Ernie Trewerne (39), and also by her flatulent pet Rottweiler, "Scrapper", Bessie has been accosting every prospective fish and chip purchaser in an attempt to persuade them to take their custom elsewhere.

This "persuasion" has occasionally been too physically aggressive and police (PC Derek Borlase) were called to the scene on three separate occasions to rescue purchasers from the attentions of the desperate trio. One such victim, Ebenezer Clemo of Tregeagle Farm, had to be rushed to Treliske hospital after a good bashing, with Scrapper still firmly attached to his left calf. Victim and attacker were later separated in what Dr Robert Behenna (41) described "as a challenging operation".

Miss Peninula of Gweles Estate and Mr Trewerne of no fixed abode will appear before Relubbus magistrates next Monday.
IN SCHOOL
By Education Correspondent Rendall Janner

Cleared at last week’s magistrates’ court of "behaviour unbecoming a headmaster" and other related charges, James Bovenna (pictured below) led the school in a rousing performance of Cabaret, in which he took the part of Sally Bowles in a convincing role, despite the handicap of his weight (24 stone) and confinement to a wheelchair.

In the same production, precocious and surprisingly well-developed 12-year-old Zelda Pender managed to squeeze in four separate performances of her "dance of the seven veils", a routine that members of the Penzance Lodge of Freemasons will be well familiar with.

Trevor Bolitho, Chairman of Cornwall County Council’s Education Committee and a co-opted member of the Culture Committee of the Greater Relubbus Urban Council (GRUC) said that both Committees were not happy about the goings-on at the school and that Mr Bovenna was not "off the hook yet".

Zelda has undoubtedly brought much pleasure and many a happy smile to the Freemasons at Penzance. However, the Committee men are not happy about Mr Bovenna’s influence on some pupils at the school. Concern was greatest over his "Life skills" extra-curricular programme for senior girls, about which investigators have been able to discover very little.

Effusive Zelda (pictured left and unbelievably still only 12) is an ardent supporter of Mr Bovenna. "I aren’t very good at sums an’ writin’ an’ I was some thrilled when Sir said I ‘ad ‘idden talents, wot only needed to be brought on a bit -- so me an’ Susie Trewin stayed behind school for they special classes. I’s all done wonders fer me. I got one o’ they BWM cars now, which I can’t wait to learn to drive."

Mothers of both girls, who live next door to each other on the sprawling and infamous Carntreth Estate in Relubbus, are thrilled and totally supportive of Mr Bovenna. Said Mrs Pender, "I’m some glad that Zelda’s getting’ on at last. She duh ‘elp me out with fags now an again an you tell me ‘ow many other girls ’er age have got one o' they MBW cars?!"


ALL THIS WEEK AT THE RELUBBUS MULTIPLEX
THE LATEST BLOCKBUSTER!




SPARTACUS

starring KIRK DOUGLAS, LAURENCE OLIVIER, JEAN SIMMONS, and CHARLES LAUGHTON


1:30 p.m, 4:30 p.m., 7:30 p.m.







ROUNDUP VISITS INDIAN EMBASSY
by our Diplomatic Correspondent Rendall Janner

Continuing our journey amongst the huge diplomatic community in Relubbus, we had the pleasure of calling in at the Indian Embassy, which is in Boswedden Lane, on the opposite side of Mrs Tregarthen’s house to the Pakistani Embassy.

It is a great pleasure because, alone amongst all the 350 embassies in Relubbus, the Indian Embassy doubles up as a restaurant (curiously named "The Embassy") and takeaway, as well as a regular diplomatic establishment.

Pictured on the left is His Excellency Mr Thakurjeet Singh, his wife Preet, their two sons, Pavitar (with beard) and Lakhbir, and two daughters, Amrit (left) and Jasmindar.

The whole family is engaged in the restaurant business and it is going so well that they are thinking of opening up a Consulate (and takeaway) in Marazion.

Given the often frosty relations between Pakistan and India, Mr Singh diplomatically preferred not to comment on Councillor Spargo’s call for the Pakistani Embassy to be down-sized.

With many a side-to-side shake of the head, he stated "Ve are happy with GRUC decisions in all matters and are finding it absolutely tophole to be here in Relubbus. It is of inestimable value to India to have good relations vith Relubbus and ve are happy that Councillor Spargo is man ve can do business vith. Oh! Oh! Oh! Ve are also happy that many folk in Relubbus are people ve can do business vith. Takeaways are doing well, especially Saturdays and you can’t get in here then vithout booking!"

So, if you fancy a curry you can do no better than popping along to the Embassy!
POETRY CORNER
with Literary Correspondent Emily Bindweed

Many people have wondered from where the boy-prodigy poet, Philip Trudgeon, got his talent. The answer is quite clearly that it is his mother, Ariminta, who passed on the poetic gene to her lucky son.

Here, Ariminta, who is 28, publishes a poetic tour de force of her own, for the first time.

Ariminta is pictured on the left in a shot taken at the Helford passage, just after she has successfully landed a large fish.

Her moving piece is entitled Goin’ up Truro.




Goin' Up Truro

I dearly like to gwup Truro -- the shops there are some smart.
You got more choice than you got down ‘ere -- and they aren’t too busy neither.

I wen’ up there las’ week with Aggie Trewelah. You duh knaw she!
‘Er daughter was the one oo got pregnant at 13 by that butcher’s boy.

We ‘ad a nice cup tea in Marks, but you won’t bleeve wot appended nex’.
Aggie got her ‘eel caught in a gratin’ an’ it come off, so she ‘ad to buy emergency shoes.

Sum game that was! When we wuz goin roun’, we bumped into Kitty Polglaze, oo duh live at the end of the road.

She duh think she’s God’s gift, now er ‘usbant got a car with ‘is job. We shall never ‘ear the last ovun.

Well anyway, I never did manage to get the wool to match the cardigan I started las’ year fer Jimmy. The lady in the shop said she thought it wadden bein maneefactured no more.

So 4.30 pm, ‘ome again on the bus. Rainon all the way ‘ome. Never mind, is always nice to gwup Truro.
OO’s DEAD?
Our popular Obituaries section

Relubbus was suffused with grief last week by the wholly unexpected news that Miss Morwenna Pellow has sadly passed away.

Miss Pellow, plucked from our midst at the tender age of 94, will be sorely missed by the whole community. She is in the middle of the childhood picture on the left, between her two elder sisters, Zenobia and Loveday.

Derek Bolitho (84) and Clarence Penhaligon (78) were both "waiting on" Miss Pellow. However, this was all to no avail as the entire estate passes on to her two elder sisters, the Misses Pellow. Miss Pellow left £184,000.

IN THE NEXT BUMPER ISSUE

• EXCLUSIVE: SPARGO AND MADAME SARKOZY IN SECRET LOVE TRYST! Diplomatic Correspondent Rendell Janner tells all!

• EXCLUSIVE: US TO BECOME PART OF RELUBBUS! Diplomatic Correspondent Rendell Janner with a scoop!

• DISTRAUGHT BEVERLEY: Social Affairs Correspondent Rendell Janner tells the moving story of one single mum's plight.
  

• My PROFESSOR'S A CHIMP! Arts Correspondent Rendell Janner reports on the furore at Relubbus Conservatoire.
  

• AMERICAN - CORNISH PHRASEBOOK: Linguistics Advisor Rendell Janner provides some helpful phrases.
  

• TREVASKIS TO LAUNCH HOSTILE TAKEOVER BID FOR TESCO: Business Correspondent Rendell Janner brings you the latest from the financial markets.

• A MAGICAL EVENING WITH MAHLER AND BOTHERAS: Music Correspondent Professor D. Behenna describes a virtuoso performance by the Relubbus Triangle and Kazoo quintet.
  

• Inside the Saudi Embassy in Relubbus: Diplomatic Correspondent Rendell Janner visits the Saudi Arabian representative in Relubbus.
  

• Another edition of our socially-responsible "Lonely Hearts" column.
  

• And much, much more!

Issue 3, May 2007

EXCLUSIVE: POPE TO VISIT RELUBBUS

The Roundup's sources have revealed that, in a bold ecumenical move, the Methodist Council of Relubbus has invited Pope Benedict to visit the city.

The Rev. Bart Peniluna (54) said: "There is absolutely no truth in the rumours that we have invited the Pope in order to assassinate him. On the contrary, our aim is to heal the dangerous schism that currently exists between Rome and Relubbus."

The Pope is expected to fly into Newquay, where he will kiss the hallowed sod of Kernow. He will not, as some have imagined, sail to Kernow, like St Piran, on a millstone.

As part of his hectic schedule, the Pope will conduct an open-air mass at Gwennap Pit. A vast crowd of some tens of people is expected.

MORVAH MAN IN DRAMATIC RESCUE
Dickie Trembath, a 57 year-old single man who works for the South West Water Board, waded out waist-high into the turbulent sea at 7 o’clock last Tuesday morning to rescue an exhausted 89 year-old Miss Gracie Angwin. Dickie, a prominent member of the Morvah Local Men’s Club, had been out camping with friends at Long Rock. He had to get up early to answer a call of nature, when he suddenly heard an agonising call coming from the sea, and ran down to see if he could help.

Gracie, who had escaped from Barncoose late during Monday night in her new battery-powered wheelchair, had managed to shake off all pursuers and high-tail it to Long Rock in order to fulfil her latest ambition -- to swim the Atlantic. However, the wheelchair got stuck in the wet sand. She was unable to get out of the wheelchair unaided and would have been left to the heartless mercies of the incoming tide had not Dickie heard her wailing and rushed out to help.

Gracie was rescued -- tired, a little shaken, but by no means repentant. In fact she remained convinced all would have gone well, if she had taken the trouble to fit the wheelchair with floats. "I 'adden souped up fer speed, but I plum forgot to 'ave they floats put on!", she said later to the Cornishman.

Gracie was later turned over to the reluctant hands of her despairing keepers. Readers may recall Gracie’s dramatic, foiled, attempt at escape last month, to realise her then ambition of kidnapping the pope.

Advertisement Whites of Alverton, Penzance

West Cornwall’s answer to Foyles proudly announces that new stocks of the bestseller “Adventures of Policeman Carne”, price £41.75, have now arrived. This astounding book, fully illustrated with pictures of Penzance in the '20s and '30s, is based on the recently unearthed diaries of “Policeman Carne” himself, who pounded the beats of Penzance at that time.

These are illuminating tales of the tasks of a policeman in a Cornish county town of the '20s and '30s. They portray a picture of a stern, forbidding character who dispenses summary justice to cheeky, unruly boys, who, in defiance of the dreaded Carne, persist in taunting the odd characters of the town and terrorising prim old ladies such as Ethel Batten.

Ayatollah to buy Morvah shock

Waves of horror, fear, tension and suspense have swept the mainly Methodist-populated hamlet of Morvah, as rumours went around that the Ayatollah Mukhmadji was going to buy up Morvah and the surrounding land, with options on the female inhabitants as wives and concubines and on the male population as eunuch farmers.

Police Constable Arnold Uren, after painstaking detective work, finally tracked down the instigator of the rumours as none other than the local Co-op milkman, Wilfie Rosewarne (43), (shown on the left) originally a Camborne man.

Rosewarne, lovestruck with a local woman, thought that such stories might persuade his wavering sweetheart, Edie Harris (48), a Morvah woman and God-fearing Chapel piano-player, into marrying him and settling down with him in his caravan at Eastern Green.

Constable Uren (56), an experienced officer originally from Heamoor, married with two grown up children both locally employed, brought the sheepish Wilfie into the local school to explain his little ruse to the people of Morvah.

Miss Harris was present and broke down in front of the angry crowd, who were restrained from wreaking their vengeance upon Wilfie by the Police reinforcement who had by then cycled in from New Mill to aid PC Uren.

Rosewarne escaped preferring of charges and has emigrated back to Camborne. Mr Ayatollah Mukhmadji (78) (shown left), a resident of the holy city of Qom, was not available for comment here today.

CELEBRITY NEWS
with Court and Social editor Elsie Rescorla

New Headmistress for St Buryan Primary School!
Agnes Uren, 45, has been appointed as the new Headmistress of St Buryan School. Ms Uren is a local woman, who attended the Penzance Grammar School for Girls. She is a keen cyclist, a practising Lesbian and an avid collector of vintage cigarette cards.

Ms Uren and her partner, Elizabeth Berriman, are currently Synchronised Directed Wind (SDW) champions in the South Western League.

ADVERTISEMENT FEATURE

Is a child all you need to complete your marriage? No luck after years of trying?

Look no further. The Bojuthno Trudgen Institute for Insemination (Artificial or Real) has provided a ready answer for couples all over Penzance, and indeed as far as Hayle.

For a fee of £9.75 and a bottle or two, Mr Trudgen (pictured on the left with patient Kitty Nankervis (23) of Gwavas) will be only too pleased to sort you out. Mr Trudgen is the consummate professional and would like to assure that he has never suffered from any STDs.

Knockout Hit for Boskenwal and Tregadgwith Dramatic Society!
Review by Literary Editor Emily Bindweed

Saturday night was yet another huge success for the merged Boskenwal Gay Drama Group and Tregadgwith Methodists’ Young Women’s Drama Group. Now known as "the Queens", the new group is storming round West Penwith, pulling in crowds of sometimes double figures with its own version of An Inspector Calls.

In the picture are shown, from the left, Prudence Pengilly, 25, from Rosemodrass; Ariminta Trenoweth, 29, from Trevorgans; Hester Lawry, 23, from Bosanketh; Jimmy Oppy, 26, from Tregiffian; Berzillai Curnow, 31, from Noonzeras; Samuel Lugg, 32, from Chegwidden; Tamazine Roskilly, 28, from Sparnon; Bathsheba Trezise, 29, from Cardinney and Drusilla Trevorrian, 28, from Bosliven.

Jimmy Oppy, who plays the inspector, has managed to make his stammer an additional and entirely unexpected weapon of suspense, with dramatic pauses of sometimes 10 full minutes between the start of a sentence and its end. Meanwhile, Drusilla Trevorrian has stolen the heart of many a young man in the audience through the floods of tears that precede her frequent announcement that "I kent remember my words!"

What the play lacks in pace and professionalism is more than compensated for by the naked fear of the cast and their visible desperation to simply get to the end. Indeed this fear adds yet another spur of excitement, as one tries to work out which cast member, for it is not clear, is dogged with the incontinence problem that causes puddles to appear around the stage.

The director, Mathew Carkeek (48) of Chyangwens, is hoping to transfer the play to the West End stage. The Roundup will be with them every step of the way.

Liaisons Aventeureuses in Relubbus?

There was an unusual double wedding in Relubbus at the weekend. Shown on the left is Kitty Polglaze with her two husbands, Trevenen Hawke (on the left) and Vinicombe Davey.

Whilst this may seem a complicated arrangement, Trephina Moyle, on the right, goes one stage further in terms of complications. On her left is her husband, Solomon Cock, whilst on her right is pictured her wife, Lucretia Teague.

Relubbus is, of course, famed for its avant garde social experimentation and liberal views in matters matrimonial. The two groups will be living together in a one-up one-down cottage – at No.4 Trewellard Lane in Relubbus.

The Roundup wishes them all every happiness together.

Planning news

New Eurostar Terminus for St Erth

Pictured on the left is the newly-refurbished St Erth Eurostar terminus, which will connect Relubbus to Paris and Brussels.
The new service, which will begin in the autumn, has already caused something of a stir. Each day, there will be five trains from St Erth to both Paris and Brussels. However, the Greater Relubbus Urban Council (GRUC) has decided that only one train a week will stop at London, obliging London-based travellers to catch the Cornishman down to St Erth to make the connection on to Paris or Brussels.

Watch this space for further developments!
German for Cornish Speakers
As Cornwall County Council recognises its duty to develop good and mutually profitable relations with other countries around the world, the Roundup is keen to support such efforts by helping Cornish folk develop linguistic skills, which will ease communication between them and our European neighbours.

Our German readers should note that this section can also be used to give them the word-perfect Cornish rendering of useful German phrases.

Conversational German Part 1

Wie geht es Ihnen? Awrightaree?

Es geht mir sehr gut. 'Aayss, doin' proper.

Sind Sie Englaender? Englisharee?

Nein. Ich bin aus Cornwall. No, I aren’t. I’m Cornish.

Das ist meine Tochter. Tha’s my little maid.

Sie is aber schoen. She’s sum purty little maid, inna?

Wie heisst sie? Wassa called a?

Sie heisst Brunhilde. 'Er name is Loveday.

Das ist ein schoenes Haus. Tha’s a proper lil 'ouse, inna?

Ja, moechten Sie es kaufen? 'Ess. Gunnabuyun aree?

Vocabulary
Arschloch Tuss
Aussentoilette Backhouse
Bustenhalter One o' they brazier wossnames.
Eigenartige Pastete mit Fleisch, Kartoffeln, Zwiebeln, und Steckrueben Pasty
Mittagessen Bit dinner
Pferd 'Oss
Schuhplattler One o' they weird dences, where they duh slap their ‘eels and each other’s bums.
Spaeter mal Drekkly

Passed Ovver (Obituaries)
Welcome to the ever-popular "'Oo’s Dead?" section of the Roundup!

JOYCE TREVASKIS

The Roundup must sadly report that Joyce Trevaskis has passed on, aged 98. Pictured here in her glory days in the 1930s as Miss Gulval Churchtown, when she still had two legs, Joyce was a colourful character. Never married, she retired only last year from her chosen career of prostitution.

As "the big-hearted pro who never says no", Joycie will be missed by the generations of Gulval men and boys who availed themselves of her generous services. An innovative woman, she operated her own dividend stamp scheme and was one of the first to take credit cards and to advertise on the net.

She also operated a home delivery service and it was whilst speeding down Gulval hill on her bike on such a mission in her early forties that her brakes failed and she crashed badly, losing her left leg. Doughty to the last, she didn’t let this stop her. She became a well-known sight as a one-legged cycling "home delivery" tart, wearing her hallmark feathered hat.

There will be a service of remembrance for Joyce at Gulval Church on Wednesday at 3.00pm. Early attendance is advised if one is to get a seat.

Poetry Corner
A poem entitled "Yesday"
by a pupil of Lescudjack County Secondary School

Yesday, we wen up Gran’s. I ate going up there.

All she duh do is go on about er feet or Mrs Ladner’s leg - yap yap yap.

She duh give us cup tea an sometimes a saffern bun. She duh make er own and they’re alright.

Anyway, yesday was better cos we didn ave to stay in. We went out to play.

I wen up Rosehill wi summa my mates.

We met the Heamoor gang and we ad a fight. Soonas Trev giv their leader, Derek, a bloody nose, they’re off outofit.

We did a bitta mischief in they apple orchards what duh blong to ole man Tresidder and then we cumome fer tay.

Soonas I walk in the door - Wallop from dad! That bugger Tresidder been an gone and told on me. Aren’t appy about that and I’ll get me own back on un.

Philip Trudgeon (14)
YOUR STARS

with Breton mystic Maurice Labalge

He is the mystic who knows what will come
For you, for your neighbour, for everyone!

Aries This month will be better, though not good. There will be a death in the family, but you feel well rid of them. A small (£10) lottery win for you will brighten things up.

Taurus Returning your books to the library, you will bump into Mrs Hollis and have a pleasant natter about this and that. While this is happening, someone will attempt to steal her purse. Armed with the information from this column, you will put a stop to that.

Gemini You will have a wet dream and feel a little embarrassed about it. However, this is just a phase and you will soon get over it, particularly if you are female.

Cancer Wishing to change channels on the television, you will decide not to do so by getting up and walking to the set to press the requisite buttons. Instead, you will use a device called a remote control, which will enable you to make all desired changes without leaving your seat.

Leo You will go for an interesting charabanc ride to Marazion. During this ride, you will see a peacock flying alongside you. At your destination, the peacock will await you. You will discover that it can talk and it will tell you secrets about members of the town council. You can then blackmail them.

Virgo You will walk past a stranger today. You will never know what changes he might have brought to your life, had you only stopped to talk.

Libra Whilst at the hairdresser’s, you will meet other women having their hair done. In talking to them, you will hear about Diane Liddicoat’s affair with the Co-op milkman. You will wonder why the story seems familiar. It is only on the way home on the bus that you remember the words from this column.

Scorpio You have offered to baby-sit for your daughter for three days. Unfortunately, your husband has foolishly arranged for you both to drive via the tunnel for a day’s shopping in France on the third of those three days. Fortunately, this column gives you sufficient advance warning of this near-calamity to do something about it.

Sagittarius Those very weird dreams you used to get about intimacies with groups of meerkats are back again with a vengeance. You are strongly counselled to avoid the Zoo.

Capricorn You are coming up for retirement now and, quite frankly, you have never felt happier. At long last, the time is yours to call your own. You can do anything you like. However, you had better hurry up, as extreme health problems are on the way.

Aquarius You will cut the grass this week and intend to cut the hedge. However, whilst up the ladder you will lean back too much to follow an attractive young lady with your eyes, causing you to overbalance and fall badly, breaking your wrist and narrowly missing puncturing your lungs with the shears.

Pisces Very unusually for this time of year, there will be very bad hailstorms, which could do some damage to the young plants in the garden. Warned by this column, you can transfer the tenderest specimens to the greenhouse for a while. Mrs Roskilly pops around for a chat as she does every Tuesday.
LONELY HEARTS
The Roundup recognises its social responsibilities towards the community it serves in many ways. One of these is by helping unattached folk to meet suitable partners. We hope that the following people will soon meet love’s young dream.

Twice-divorced mother of 8, Tracey Shutter (25) is looking for that someone special to share her love-nest in Colinsey Road, Penzance. Tracey has a wide span of interests ranging from Wicca and 19th century Romantic Poetry to brick-laying and Vietnamese cookery.

As both her previous partners had only one leg, she is particularly looking forward to having a relationship with a man with two legs, if possible. She says "I gotta ‘osepipe out back an I can give the lucky man a colonic irrigation every night if 'ee duh want one!" This declaration can be taken as a simple example of Tracey’s desperate attempt to please.

Since Tracey’s two eldest male children (10 and 9) already have the benefit of ASBOs, it can be taken as read that the State has already recognised the promise within the family. A loving -- preferably two-legged -- partner is all that is required to complete the picture. BOX 1098.

Hannibal Harvey is a real catch! Hannibal (a young 73) lists his interests as whittling wood, laying traps for small animals, making explosive devices, heavy metal music, riding his motor bike (with side-car -- currently unoccupied!) and "keeping 'isself to ‘isself". Never married, never having had a girlfriend (nor, indeed, any friend -- "that business about the spaniel was all lies!") Hannibal is keen to discover the romantic side of his character with a loving woman (or, indeed, anything female). A working fisherman, he offers a bed in the cottage, as much pilchard as you can stomach, and "interesting evenings without the telly", as he doesn’t possess one. BOX 5639.

SPORTS NEWS

VICKERY TO JOIN RELUBBUS

Following weeks of speculation and rumour, reliable sources close to England captain Phil Vickery said yesterday that the World Cup-winner is to join Relubbus RFC in the summer.

Although Relubbus currently play in Cornwall League 2, the club's ambitions are no secret. Yesterday their millionaire backer, Dicky Penwallet, said "Our aim is to win the Heineken European Cup within five years.

"That is why we have already upgraded our stadium to Premiership standards, with a new stand that can hold upwards of 30 people. And our floodlight is state-of-the-art, being powered by a wind turbine on Treluglas moor."

As the news broke, there was an air of barely-suppressed excitement and glee at the club yesterday. The only dissenting voice was that of current tighthead prop Joe Tregeagle (48). The 4 foot 11, 7 stone veteran asked: "Wha's Vickery got that I int? 'Ee's a brer bit bigger than I, granted, but I duh reckon that only slows un down! An' 'ee may be a bit younger, but I got the experience! That gert pack down at Roseland ull eat un for breakfast!"

Vickery was unavailable for comment yesterday.

IN THE NEXT BUMPER ISSUE

• EXCLUSIVE: BLAIR SEEKS TOP JOB AT GRUC!

• Nuclear threat to Lamorna!

• Expose of the Roundup's undercover reporters: we tell all.

• Lively report on the St Ives Lesbian and Gay Rights Festival.
  

• Local man (98) dies unexpectedly: we have our finger on the pulse.

• Celebrity News: did famed Tregavarah Operatic Society star Priscilla Rodda "buy" a Colinsey Road child? The Roundup tells all.

• Enty May solves your personal problems.

• "Cornish for the non-Cornish": our popular guide to Cornish "as she is spoke".
  

• Our socially-responsible "Lonely Hearts" section.
  

• And much, much more!