NEWS FLASH

KNEE-TREMBLAY NOT DEAD!

Capitaine Aristide Absinthe Knee-Tremblay, whose obituary we carried last week, is, in fact, not deceased. In a statement issued yesterday, M. Knee-Tremblay said, "Reports of my death have been greatly exaggerated. I was merely resting."

The news will be greeted with rejoicing by Knee-Tremblay's many admirers on both sides of the Channel.

Arrangements for a state funeral in St Buryan, where M. Knee-Tremblay lives, have been put on hold -- at least temporarily, while it is established if a relapse is probable; and thus whether the 10,000 pasties obtained from Rowe's on a sale-or-return basis should be retained for another week, or returned immediately.

AN "ODEUR" IN SANCREED!!

A tingling frisson of excitement has been coursing through the culinary world as word has slipped out that the famed Sancreed-born chef, Archilaus “Odeur” Trudgeon (36) has opened a new venue called simply “Forest Shack” in which to present his latest novel creations.

Pictured here in his old kitchens at Camborne Bus Station where he is rustling up one of his signature innovative creations “Ffarm Ppancakes”, Archilaus has never failed to impress with his ‘out of nowhere’ originality.

A kitchen king utterly devoted to the use of the wholly ‘natural’ in his cooking, he has always strenuously denied simply collecting cow pancakes from farm fields. This is a cheap charge laid at his door by bitter, twisted and jealous competitors of the likes of Oliver, Carlucci, Stein and Smith.

Fiercely proud of his use of what he fondly describes as ‘Nanature’s nunutricious babounty”, which he collects himself, this sensitive culinary craftsman has insisted on always making his own transformative additions to what he sees as the magical gifts of nature.

His ‘Ffarm Ppancakes’, or ‘FfPps’, as they have come to be known by devoted Trudgeon acolytes, who even seek to emulate his pronounciation, have been variously described as chocolatey, gingery, earthy, strong, punchy, chewy and grassy.

However, all devotees agree that it is delicious and well worth the - to a humble Roundup journalist - frankly surprisingly high prices.

Pancake à la Guernsey costs £73, while Pancake à la British White costs £125. Given the cover charge of £20, the service charge of the greater of 10% or £90, the compulsory corkage charge of £25 (whether one drinks or not), it is easy to see that popping in for a Trudgeon Ppancake can be a very expensive exercise.

Trudgeon dining is therefore a matter for the Relubbus elite, amongst whom table places are auctioned, so great is the demand. The rich and famous are now competing to obtain bookings at the exciting new venue.

‘Forest Shack’ is situated in the back garden of Trudgeon’s Sancreed home, not far from his compost heap. Relying, as it does, solely on natural light and ventilation, the new restaurant is the antithesis of the usual haunts of the rich and famous. Typically, Trudgeon has successfully striven, not simply for understatement, but for what he excitedly terms ‘anti-stastatement’.

Diners’ seating is a packing case and the ‘tables’, though now all spotlessly clean, have all seen service before as various parts of farm carts.

The recorded music of Percy Botheras (pictured left), the virtuoso triangle player, rings out from Trudgeon’s wind-up cassette player to help give the ‘Forest Shack’ its unmistakeable Trudgeon ambience.

However, the focus of excitement is rightly on the food. Whilst all the old favourites naturally remain on offer, impatient eyes devour the tantalising names and descriptions of all the new dishes.

Trudgeon will not permit disclosure of the details of any of the new creations – that is a pleasure reserved for paying guests. Further, he vehemently denies that the piles of KFC packing and Sainsbury’s Basic egg boxes at the back of the shack are anything to do with him.

However, some of the delighted diners did admit that they had started their meals with something that looked like a boiled egg, but which tasted excitingly different and every bit worth the £37.50 charged for the starter. Furthermore, the chicken dish – served with some sort of Bovril-flavoured ice cream and priced at £310 per portion – was described as “heavenly”.

The ‘Forest Shack’ has just three tables for four. It is already fully booked until Christmas 2011 with the usual auctions to get the prized bookings in the early months. So, if you start saving now, you too could be dining à la Trudgeon in 2012!!