NEWS IN BRIEF

Nancy Kelynack (32, and the 2004 runner-up in the Miss Nude Knitter of Zennor contest), who runs her own beauty parlour and solarium at Botallack, is being sued by a number of former clients, who claim damages following the use of Nancy’s home-made solarium. Nancy (pictured) is outraged about these claims, which she says could put her out of business.

She therefore used the propane gas powered device herself for the first time yesterday and says “I kent see what they are on about. I d’ ‘ave a proper ‘ealthy glow now an’ I never liked all that long ‘air anyway. I aren’t givin’ up and I’m goina fight this all the way!”

Carnyorth sees the return of the Kernewek Kemmyn Kaped Krusaders! The dynamic duo have re-appeared in town after locals refused to rename their town “Kkarnyorth” in line with Kemmyn spelling. No one knows who these two really are but their slightly menacing presence has been felt all over Carnyorth.

Only yesterday evening they staged a demonstration outside the prestigious Carnyorth Conservatoire, where Mexican cellist Carlos Prieto was performing Shostakovich’ Sonata in D Minor for Cello, demanding in high falsetto voices that the posters be changed to read “Karlos plays Kello rekital at Kkarnyorth Kkonservatoire”.

The Relubbus Ministry of Justice has been rocked by scandal following the production of incontrovertible photographic evidence that the Relubbus Deputy Acting Justice Minister, Mr Justice Denzil Tregonning (52), has been ‘carrying on’ with a large rabbit.

The two were snapped yesterday in their love nest at the two star Tremethick Cross Warm Goat Hotel by the Roundup’s star photographer April Showers.

Says Showers, “The rabbit, who answered to the name of Rodney, was removing Mr Justice Tregonning’s trousers when they were disturbed by the flash of my camera.” Mr Justice Tregonning’s response, on being asked for a comment, is unfortunately unprintable.

Embarassment is hanging heavy over the staff of the Relubbus International Conference Centre. Having been booked for a whole week by a group calling itself the “International Legion of Superheroes”, staff attention was drawn to an important fact only when the group assembled on the front steps for their final photo at the end of the week.

A young passerby, Tommy Whitehorne (8), observed to his mother “Ere Ma, that man’s willy is ‘angin’ out!”.

The leader of the Dutch group, Henk Knobejakkers (37), stated “Ja, ve are not hiding anyting – ve are de nude Legion of Superheroes – no clothes, just bodypaint.”

Yes, Monty is back - playing for three nights at the Prospidnick Secure Home for Old Flashers. Monty Behenna is famed for his flowing piano playing, which he renders in the style of the late great Russ Conway. Monty (61), who is proud to have all his own teeth, is a local man, having been born and bred in fast-living Rosudgeon.

His piano recitals are always packed out – frequently by men wearing macs. Monty attributes this to the masculine style of play he adopts on the piano.

Music critics attribute his popularity with male audiences to the fact that he is always accompanied by one or more of his ‘nieces’, who, unencumbered by any clothing, interpret his music for him. Tickets are £5 for standing and £15 for a seat.

Relubbus Scientist Ardbit Boscathnoe (65) has invented a device which beats colour-blindness!! Having spent two decades beavering away in his laboratory, wrestling with the symptoms of protanopiac dichromatism – or the inability to see the colour red – Professor Boscathnoe has come up with a device which enables sufferers to see red in 31% of cases.

This breakthrough is causing surges of interest throughout the world-wide dichromatic community. The device is a little heavy and the wearer does need to be supported – and guided. But when they go on sale – even at the price of £29,999 – they are expected to ‘sell like hotcakes’.

NEW SUPERHERO FOR RELUBBUS!

As far as Superheroes go, you may have heard of Batman and Gotham City, but have you heard of Relubbus and... "The Man with No Trousers"?

We present below (on far left) a partial snap of the reluctant hero -- who is known simply as The Man with No Trousers -- in a lucky photo taken on the Relubbus Underground, on the Central Line between the fashionable Boswedden Lane and Prospidnick Lane stops, by Agnes Tresidder (82), who commented merely, "I was takin’ my grandson's repaired camera 'ome on the Tube, when I suddenly saw The Man with No Trousers.

"I was sum shocked to see ov un and I must 'ave sumow pressed the button. Denzil, my grandson, told me I 'ad taken this 'ere picture."

Relubbus has been repeatedly astounded by reports of astonishing bravery and devilish and speedy skill on the part of an individual who moves quickly, very quickly indeed, but who wears no trousers. No one knows his name, but we print Mrs Tresidder's picture here in the fervent hope that someone -- maybe his mother -- will recognise the underpants the young man is wearing.

Mrs Tresidder added helpfully that, as he got off the train, she could observe pronounced "skid marks" on the reverse of the young hero's underpants, which might bring about a smile of knowing recognition on some proud mother's face. If the young hero can be found, a public honour to be presented by Council Leader Billy Spargo awaits him.

The young hero already has a string of acts of heroism to his name. Only last week, the Man with No Trousers appeared just in the nick of time to save Mrs 'Ollis' budgie from certain death in the jaws and paws of next door' s cat, Trewella.

The week before that he single-handedly neutralised 7 nuclear bombs that the People’s Republic of Hayle has recently imported from North Korea.

However, whilst many stories can be told about this latest of the Relubbus Legion of Superheroes, what news of the older established heroes such as 'Ooverman or Toiletwoman?

In a rare archive photograph, we proudly present here a picture of 'Ooverman in his very first act of derring do. Taken by an admiring amateur photographer, it shows 'Ooverman taking care of a spilt sherbet fountain in Marshall James' music store in Market Jew Street, Penzance, back in 1969.

Since then he and his hoover have been an ingredient of every natural disaster that has struck around the world. Bemused foreigners from Chernobyl to Bangladesh have been reassured by those comforting words delivered in a high-pitched West Cornish accent, "Orright, I'm 'ere neow, where can I plug it in?"

The fame of this superhero is shared by another Relubbus Superheroine, the so-called Toiletwoman. She has yet to perform a traditional "Superhero" act, but she has remained seated on the same toilet for 12 years, which is an accomplishment no one else has equalled.

We can report that she is still seated firmly on her toilet on the Gwavas Estate in Newlyn.

However, where might The Man with No Trousers be right now? Who can say… Have you seen him?