In a extraordinary piece of "blue sky thinking", Danish architect Per Simmon believes he has hit on a revolutionary way to solve the chronic housing shortage in Cornwall.
It is well known that a variety of toxic factors -- for example, the purchase of second homes and holiday homes by absentee owners, massive immigration by wealthy retirees from more prosperous areas of the country, and the sale of communal housing stock (a significant proportion of it now resold to well-heeled incomers) -- has meant that a large section of the local population struggles to put a roof over its head.
To solve the problem, Per Simmon has designed what he calls a "traditional stone bungalow" that will be cheap to construct and affordable even by people on depressed Cornish wages.
Said to be based on traditional 18th century "2 up, 2 down" miners' cottages, the "Fogou" is in fact a "0 up, 1 down" design. Its designer claims that it is very environmentally friendly, being built entirely of locally-sourced materials -- granite, wood, moss and mud -- and using no oil, electricity, or gas for heating (there is none).
Per Simmon's backers propose to build two estates, each consisting of 100,000 Fogou dwellings, near Helford, in south Cornwall, and Rock, in north Cornwall.
The new houses will be built by local craftsmen using traditional skills that have been employed in the region for millenia.
Coming as it does hot on the heels of similar plans by Trewern Builders to build affordable ecohomes for rent or sale to local people, this proposal is good news indeed.
The Roundup applauds this initiative as an imaginative attempt to fix a long-standing social problem. Well done, Per!
AFFORDABLE HOUSING FOR THE CORNISH
PROTEST AT OLYMPIC OPENING CEREMONY
By Sports Correspondent Rendell Janner
Chinese Olympic officials were incensed today after their much-vaunted security system was breached by protesters for the third time in as many days. And this time, to their huge embarrassment, the protest took place at the Olympic opening ceremony itself, while the eyes of the world were turned on Beijing!
This time, the protesters were three members of the Perranaworthal Rock Interface Climbing and Caving Club (PRICCC). While leader Jez Trebilcock and his girlfriend "Bosoms" Bodinnar staged a diversionary sit-down protest on the forecourt of the "Bird's Nest" stadium, accomplice Buzz "The Fly" Jago swiftly scaled one of the huge street lights just outside the stadium.
Once aloft, "The Fly" unfurled a banner, which read: "ONE WORLD, ONE DREAM, FREE KERNOW". The first two phrases are the Olympic motto. The third is a reference to the struggle of the Cornish people to free themselves from the oppressive yoke of the English state.
As soon as the banner was unfurled, it was noticed by the crowd inside the stadium, creating great excitement. Soon attention had shifted from the Opening Ceremony to the lone protester.
While aloft, Buzz Jago gave an interview to a Canadian journalist which was broadcast around the world. In it, he said:
"The situation in Kernow is remarkably similar to that in Tibet. The distinctive cultures of both countries are being deliberately suppressed by a powerful neighbour. (If you doubt this in regard to Kernow, look no further than the actions of English Heritage.)
"In both Kernow and Tibet, the indigenous population is being turned into an underclass by means of state policies that encourage mass immigration and economic dependency."
Before being led away by Chinese security men, Mr Jago promised that more pro-freedom demonstrations, from both Kernewek and Tibetan activists, would follow.
CORNWALL TO BE RENAMED!
By Political Correspondent Rendell Janner
Following a recent Roundup report about the use of English Heritage as a tool for the Anglicisation of the Cornish, this newspaper has succeeded in obtaining details of a secret and shocking plan to eradicate Cornwall as we know it.
It is our duty to publish details of this dastardly plan. It will doubtless raise the fear temperature in Kernow to levels never reached before. It should also cause every right-thinking Cornish person to stand up and resist this looming evil, which is already well upon us.
The plan -- known in UK Government circles as Marina -- sees the indigenous Cornish gradually moved out by force of economic migration. The origins of the plan can be traced back many years to an unlikely collaboration between Winston Churchill and Sir Billy Butlin, in an objective called Holiday Camp Cornwall. In the original plan, the Cornish were merely to be turned into workers in England's largest holiday camp, in order to provide some dim lights of gaiety in gloomy 1950s Britain.
During the Thatcher years, this plan -- as did many others -- took on dark and sinister characteristics in the clammy, dead-hand grip of the funereally-smiling Home Secretary, Michael Howard, shown left.Project Marina -- represented on his desk by a little fishing boat called Kernow, which he often fondled whilst hatching his chilling plans for the Cornish and others -- contains a number of key objectives.
The attainment of these goals has been consistently pursued by the upper echelons of the English Civil service and each of their political masters ever since. They are:
1) Tax breaks will be offered to people in the South East, earning more than £250,000 a year, who wish to buy a house in Cornwall for occasional holiday use only. No stamp duty will apply in such cases and purchasers will be able to offset the entire purchase against income tax.
2) The impact of point 1 will make it even more difficult for the Cornish to buy homes in their own land. As more and more homes are given over to occasional use, the necessary infrastructure to support local life (schools and medical services) will collapse. This will drive the Cornish out to the re-settlement areas in the brownfield sites of former industrial Northern England, which await them and the rest of the poor not fit to live in the South.
3) Social Housing will remain for some of the Cornish, since some menials will be required to service the needs of the rich, who will make infrequent, but loving, use of our land.
4) All Cornish names should gradually be replaced by full-blooded English names, such as Smallhampton for Truro and Holyhead instead of the alien-sounding "Penzance", so that English people can feel more at home. At the very end of the process, the name "Cornwall" should itself be replaced by the English-sounding West Wessex.
That is Project Marina. Already, all over Cornwall there are signs of development projects that are designed to benefit -- not the indigenous Cornish -- but those who are destined to take their place in West Wessex.
One such development project is that for the marina complex in the former Penlee Quarry between Newlyn and Mousehole, which will house yachts costing hundreds of thousands of pounds and offer dwellings (for part-time use, of course) at similarly high prices.
Clearly such amenities are not for the locals, who earn on average £13,000 annually, if they are lucky. This is just one of many projects designed to take Cornwall from its people, like taking a mother from her baby, and offer it to those who can pay, just like offering that mother to those who can pay.
The Roundup cornered the Press Officer of the Government Office of the South West, Mr Heinrich Zap-Kernow, as he made his way to Madam Zarah Strict for his weekly therapy visit. He tried to calm growing Cornish fears about loss of identity and indeed of homeland.
Mr Zap-Kernow, who only recently changed his name from Zap-Poland in an attempt to please the Cornish, stated that:
"The people of Cornwall, or West Wessex as it will shortly be known, have no need to fear the loss of their homeland, since, in the future, literally anyone with the necessary funds (income of £250,000 or disposable assets of £1 million) will be able to purchase a home in Cornwall -- and even live in it all year round, if they can tear themselves away from London and Waitrose for long enough. Quite frankly I can't see what all the fuss is about."
The Roundup feels that it is high time that the Cornish realise what is happening to Cornwall. Be alert, watch closely, analyse the changing elements, sharpen your wits and tongue, and speak out for Cornwall!
Editor
SCOOP: KOREAN DICTATOR SEEKS ASYLUM IN RELUBBUS
A report written in the third person by "Landshark" (Archilaus Tresidder)
Archilaus is pictured on the left in triumphant mood on the morning after his big scoop.
The night was very dark. He could hear the sea gently lapping at the pebbles of the beach, but he could see nothing. He was acting on information received. The contacts of the foreign newsdesk of the Relubbus Roundup had never yet failed. They had always been impeccable. However, this particular tip did seem unlikely. The words ran through his mind again for the umpteenth time, "He will alight from a rowing boat on Newlyn beach at 11.30 pm on the 24th December".
Archilaus Tresidder was a junior cub under-reporter, a young man of only 44 who had yet to truly prove himself. Out of deference to his elders and betters at the Roundup, he insisted on continuing to wear short trousers until he had delivered his own very first big story single-handed, and after tonight, with luck and a following wind (he never had any difficulty managing that bit himself), he should be in a position to file that first big story.
Given the date and the time of day, there was no one about. Behind him, a short distance away, the Penzance-Newlyn road was still lit by streetlamps, which glowed dimly, a weak source of warmth on a cold night like tonight and too far away to cast any illumination on the blackened beach below him.
Luckily for him, his Dusty Springfield watch was of the sort that glowed in the dark. It told him that it was still only 25 minutes past 11. Tension mounted and found release in the old family curse, as tortured gases were almost soundlessly expelled from his rear. Tonight, for once, they threatened no one, instantly dispersed as they were by the vigorous sea breeze.
Before he knew it, a tinny rendition of The son of a Preacher man rang out from his watch, telling him that it was 11.30 pm precisely. He switched off the sound of his beloved Dusty and began to listen acutely. He strained his entire being into the all-absorbing act of listening -- it brought its own reward.
First, he could hear oars working the water, next he could hear the crunch of wood on pebbles as the boat was run to beach and then he could hear the splashing in the shallows, as a mystery person disembarked.
Finding it difficult to believe that such a person would arrive here at this time in this way, Archilaus once more played the words of the tip-off through his mind "Kim Jong Il will come to seek asylum in Relubbus, arriving by rowing boat on the Western Green beach near Newlyn at 11.30pm on 24th December".
As the cold wet water soaked the shoes and lower legs of the new arrival, loud curses were heard in a language that was anything but Cornish. The words "Keh Shipp Sekya!" Were delivered in a high-pitched oriental voice...
At this critical moment, I switched on my Dusty Springfield pocket searchlight to reveal a stocky oriental clad in Mao suit disembarking from a sampan crewed by emaciated men wearing coolie hats.
Caught in the light, the stocky man froze and, in desperation, called out "Don't shoot!! Councillor Spargo great man -- Relubbus centre of world -- don't shoot! I come live here -- learn make pasties!! Don't shoot." It soon transpired that this was the extent of his non-Korean vocabulary.
The tip-off was correct. I was about to get the scoop of my life. Not a moment too soon. It was very cold and I felt that I really deserved long trousers now and couldn't wait until Simpsons of Penzance was next open so that I could acquire this much coveted badge of reporting maturity.
TO BE CONTINUED...
Issue 16, 19th November 2007
ALARM IN CAPITAL AS CORNISH INVADE LONDON
By London correspondent Sylvia Cook
Oates' declared aim is to 'put a pasty shop on every London street', while Trevaskis swears to match Oates' every move. The consequence is that many London streets now contain branches of both "Oggie! Oggie! Oggie!" and "Oggies 4 All", often next door to each other!It is small wonder that some residents are expressing disquiet. The Roundup visited the capital and interviewed a cross-section of Londoners who have had to bear the brunt of the pasty invasion. Many feel that their local culture is being undermined by the "foreign" invasion.
'It is not possible to obtain proper Muslim food here any more. Our local Halal butcher has been taken over by "Oggie! Oggie! Oggie!". Now all you can buy here is "Pasties", "Eavy Cake" (whatever that is), "Clotted Cream", "Saffern Buns", and "Og's Puddin"! Everything's changed. It just doesn't feel like home any more.' Mrs Fiona Assad, Southall.
'Our bagel shop has gone. Instead, all we've got is "Oggies 4 All". It's not kosher!' Mo Rosenthal, Golder's Green.
'When I came here from Gdansk two years ago I could get all Polish food at the corner shop, imported direct from Warsaw -- pierogi, kolaczki, makowiec, babka cakes. Now "Oggies 4 All" has bought them out and I can't get anything I recognize. I don't like that foreign Cornish food!' Krysta, Notting Hill.
'The Cornish have no business coming up here. Cornwall is a place one goes to on holiday, where one has one's second home. We need them down there to do the gardening, etc.' T. Blair, Islington.
'Hampstead property prices have plummeted since "Oggie! Oggie! Oggie!" and "Oggies 4 All" moved in.' Rupert Fawcett-Fawcett, Hampstead.
UNEXPECTED TWIST IN SARCOZY LOVE STORY
By Grubber Trevorrow. Photographer Snapper Kelynack
The luminous glare of a full moon on a cloudless night lights up the landing strip at St Just airport, as the French air force jet comes in to land. It is 3:30 in the morning and all law-abiding folks are tucked up in bed. A Robin Reliant motor car, specially selected to blend in with local traffic, hushes its way, almost silently, up to the steps of the jet plane. A lone figure ghosts down the steps in the silvery light and quickly leaps into the car, which then steals away into the West Penwith night.
Unknown to this figure, two silent sleuths have both witnessed and captured the scene. These are none other than the Relubbus Roundup’s own winning reporting duo, Alcibiades "Grubber" Trevorrow and photographer Xenophon "Snapper" Kelynack. Tipped off by one of the Roundup’s informants at the Elysee, the two staked out the airport and tracked every subsequent movement of the "lone figure", who is, of course, the French President M. Nicolas Sarkozy.
As Sarkozy drove off into the night, quickly accelerating the Cornish-registered mean machine to its maximum speed of 19 and a half miles per hour, Trevorrow and Kelynack reached for their bicycles and set off in silent but hot pursuit. After several minutes of hard peddling, Trevorrow and Kelynack were relieved to see the Robin Reliant slow down, pull into a little drive outside Heamoor, and come to a halt.
Then it struck them! This was the childhood home of Agnes Spargo (89), Billy Spargo’s estranged wife, who had now taken to living there again, after her husband had moved in with Madame Cecilia Sarkozy. It seemed that the lure of sweet revenge had led the French President to strike up a relationship with Spargo’s estranged spouse.
Observations over the next few days showed that Sarkozy was so blinded by his desire for revenge on both his wife and Councillor Spargo that he was prepared to overlook Mrs Spargo’s numerous physical ailments in his quest for vengeance. In between their trysts, he was seen wheeling Mrs Spargo out for an afternoon stroll, wearing a heavily scented scarf around his face, both to mask his identity and to afford some protection from the virulent smells emanating from Mrs Spargo’s body.
As to the origins of his jealousy, few who have seen them together can doubt the sincerity of the mutual devotion which Councillor Billy Spargo and Madame Cecilia Sarkozy bring to one another.
Smouldering beauty Cecilia (34) deserted her husband and left him alone in the cold, comfortless formality of the Elysee Palace. She is now ensconced in a secret love-nest in Tremethick Cross, where she spends each day waiting for the return of the new man in her life, for whom she has given up so much and for whom she now lives and breathes. She can now only occasionally be glimpsed taking her pet lizard (Nik Nik) out for a stroll.
The new man in her life is, of course, none other than the hugely powerful and influential leader of the Greater Relubbus Urban Council, Councillor Billy Spargo (81), shown here wearing his latest disguise, in an unsuccessful attempt to shake off the relentless Relubbus press corps.Relubbus-watchers are astounded at the vital energies of this man, who devotes 10 hours a day to the affairs of state in Relubbus Town Hall, interrupted only by his mid-day break for his daily pasty (bicycled around to him fresh from the factory at St Just). Despite this phenomenal workload, which would exhaust a far younger man, Spargo (86) is known also to have a passionate and physically demanding relationship with young Mrs Sarkozy (22), which is also a part of his daily routine.
It was last Wednesday, on the third day of his visit, which he had hitherto believed to have been conducted in total anonymity, that President Sarkozy (42) was cornered by Grubber Trevorrow outside the chip shop in Causewayhead, Penzance, and quizzed about his relationship with Mrs Spargo (99).
By this time, the whole Relubbus press pack (never far from Trevorrow) had assembled around the beleaguered French President and was battering him with relentless questioning. In the face of all this, he clutched a photograph of Mrs Spargo (103) and, with tears beginning to flow down his cheeks, he declared with a slightly strained, but proud, voice "Je ne regrette rien!"With these words, he retreated to his Robin Reliant and sped off back to Heamoor.
CORNISH LANGUAGE INSTRUCTION IS BOOMING!
By Cornish Culture correspondent Rendell Janner
Cornish Language Instructors are amazed at the sudden explosion of interest in learning the Cornish language -- which is being replicated all over the land. Pictured below is one of 23 new Cornish evening classes which have just started up in Heamoor alone. Class sizes are being limited to 120. The 2,760 new students of the language in Heamoor are matched by countless thousands all over the rest of the county.
Mrs Elspeth Treloar, who runs the Heamoor Evening Institute, is amazed. "We don’t know what’s going on. Last year we ‘ad two people fer car maintenance, one fer crochet, and one fer French. This year, we got 2,760 fer Cornish. I never seen the like of ‘un before!"This amazing and unprecedented demand for instruction in Cornish, which county-wide amounts to some 78,000 new students, has led politicians to wonder what significance it could have. The UK Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, who is perennially nervous about how he is being perceived by the public, is particularly concerned by the fact that interest in learning Cornish extends far beyond the borders of Cornwall, with several tens of thousands of students attending classes from Plymouth all the way up to London.
Billy Spargo of the Greater Relubbus Urban Council has not yet made the learning of Cornish a political issue, but all eyes are upon him as the numbers of people wanting to learn the language spiral beyond anything we have seen before.
(As reported in our last issue, in future prospective immigrants to Relubbus -- of whom there are many -- will be required to learn Cornish. Ed.)
ADVERTISEMENT
Hairdressing with a difference!!
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Ladies -- and gentlemen -- do not delay;
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Your coiffure reflects your political tone
So come get a haircut you’ll be so proud to own!!
Arthur Scargill is proud to be able to offer you a Socialist Revolutionary hairstyle -- just like his own. Everyone -- men and women -- will come out of his salon with a hairstyle just like his own -- exactly the same length and colour!!It doesn’t matter (why should it?!) whether you are a man or a woman -- whether you are 75 or 18 years old. Why should there be a difference? Well, there will be no age or sex discrimination at Arthur’s place. You go in there -- lad or lass -- and come out looking the same.
Arthur’s Place is opening a new salon this week in Relubbus and next week in St Just!
BITTER FIGHTING ON HAYLE BORDER
by Foreign Correspondent Chester Minute
The long-running border dispute between Greater Relubbus and the People's Republic of Hayle shows no sign of resolving itself, as heavy fighting continues in the area of "Merlin's Magical Land", the theme park seized by the Haylors during the "Six Day War" of 1968.The Republic's crack troops, the First Hayle Alpine Brigade, are reported to be advancing on a broad front, with the avowed intention of "pushing the Greater Relubbus Expeditionary Force (GREF) into the sea". Presumably, the "sea" referred to is the Channel coast, since the Republic's troops are currently moving southwards, away from the Hayle estuary.
The GREF high command is said to be regrouping its 7th Armoured Division of Humvee Waste Disposal Trucks (WDTs), in preparation for an Autumn counter-strike, before the winter rains make the conditions for armoured warfare untenable.
ALL THIS WEEK AT THE RELUBBUS MULTIPLEX
THE LATEST BLOCKBUSTER!
THE GUNS OF NAVARONEstarring GREGORY PECK, DAVID NIVEN, and ANTHONY QUINN
1:30 p.m, 4:30 p.m., 7:30 p.m.
THE ROUNDUP VISITS THE IRANIAN EMBASSY
The Iranian Embassy in Relubbus is not situated in the diplomatic quarter, but is located in a cottage in Tregarthen Lane, a part of Relubbus inhabited by many followers of the extreme Methodist fundamentalist sect, the Golems.
His Excellency Ambassador Ahmed Al Dinner-Jacket explained, "We feel it very at home with Golem Methodists, who have it belief very much like it we do." The "we" refers to his young assistant, Mr Lari-Fari Rafsanjani, who sat next to him on the sofa during the interview.He elucidated further that the Golem way of life was so close to that of the Iranian that they often felt like they were at home. The practice of the Golems in referring constantly to "eeyupabove" was at one with the practice of Iranian devouts in their frequent calls to the almighty.
He also referred to the Golem belief that women were the "work of the devil", ever since Eve had led Adam astray. Women had to be put up with as punishment for man’s fall, but women were to be treated as the lowest of all the low. It was therefore the duty of all right-thinking men to frequently chastise their women. The many restrictions on Golem women -- to remain covered at all times, to observe strict silence at all times (particularly during the daily beatings!), to keep the home and the other belongings of the husband spotless at all times -- all this made the Ambassador and his assistant feel comfortable and at home. "Golems recognise that women have to be endured, although some of us are lucky enough to be spared that onerous duty", he said, fondly squeezing his assistant’s knee.
At this point Lari-Fari darted off to the kitchen, where he quickly rustled up some Ash Reshteh (a hearty soup) followed by Kookoo ( a type of omelette) with Adasi (lentils). As we dined on these surprisingly tasty offerings, Ahmed volunteered "I do not know it what I would do it without my Lari-Fari. He is good at it in garden, good at it in office, good at it in kitchen, good... well, everywhere he is good at it", at which point the assistant blushed with awkward and embarrassed pride, not quite knowing where to look.
The Ambassador explained that the economic might of Relubbus was such that it left the Iranian Republic no choice but to have a presence here. However, it had proved an unexpected delight to find kindred spirits in the extreme Methodist fundamentalists. This had given rise to much interest back home in Teheran and arrangements were well in hand for cultural and religious exchanges between Tehran and Relubbus.
The Ambassador noted that the Iranian people had much to learn from the Methodist fundamentalists about the treatment, and particularly the beating, of women. A guest speaker from Relubbus had been invited to address the 8th Teheran Symposium on Female Chastisement later this year. With a fond glance at the demurely blushing Lari-Fari, the Ambassador said again, "We feel so at home here!"
An awkward silence followed and we got the clear impression that we were somehow intruding on private time. We consequently made our excuses and left.
Lonely Hearts -- they need love too
They yearn for someone - just like you.All over West Cornwall, there are lonely people. These are people, who -- if only they could find the right partner -- would be completely happy. The sad fact is that Mr or Miss Perfect could be just around the corner. If only they could meet. The Relubbus Roundup is pleased to be able to act as an introduction agency by publishing the following personal advertisements. Read them and you could find your soulmate.
If your heart’s desire is here today
Then write in fast -- without delay!
Jasper Trembath (32) is not just offering you flowers -- he is offering you his undivided attention. He has rather a lot of time on his hands, since no one has sought fit to employ him. He has been seeking a job as a puppet impersonator ever since he has left school -- 16 years ago.He lives with his Mum in Goldsithney, but both he -- and she -- are agreed that he would be allowed to leave home to go to the right woman, provided that she did not live further than 15 minutes drive.
Jasper is still deciding on what hobbies he should take up. Until he comes to a decision, he is more than content to watch daytime television with his Mum. Jasper’s favourite meal is bangers and mash, followed by strawberry ice cream. He eats this every day and would like a girl who can cook this for him, when he leaves Mum. His ideal girl will own her own home, have a steady job (with hours from 7.00 am to 9.00 am, while Jasper is still sleeping), drive a nice fast car, and share his love of daytime television. If this is you and you like the look of Jasper, then write to Box 4561.
Grizelda Tonkin (34) is a nail manicurist from Ludgvan. She had a difficult upbringing and did spend some time in jail for a variety of offences, ranging from car-jacking to shoplifting and mugging. She says that she has put crime well behind her now, but that her time inside did give her a useful trade -- that’s where she learnt to be a fully qualified manicurist.A saucy girl, who likes to laugh, she enjoys a regular drink or two with some of her other reformed ex-prisoner friends. However, real fulfilment will only come once she has found the man in her life. She would like to hear from Denzil Trevains (great-nephew of the late lamented Banjo Trevains), a garage mechanic in Marazion, but if he is not interested, then she would be pleased to hear from anyone who is male and who is keen on natural blondes. Box 3498 is the one to write to.
Veronica Laity (24) is a charming, pretty, vivacious girl who works behind the counter at Spiegelhalter’s in Penzance. She likes to think of (and dress) herself as the fairy of Heamoor, where she still lives with her family. She is waiting to meet her Prince Charming.Veronica is a busy girl. She is a member of the Heamoor handbell group. She also helps run the girl guide troop in Heamoor. On top of all that, you will be amazed to read that she also voluntarily spends two hours a day at the Old Folks' home in Heamoor. Given all that busyness, it is difficult to imagine where she also found the time to contract the various sexual diseases for which she is now receiving treatment. However, this weekend will see her get the "all clear" -- gents, hesitate no longer! Box 4562.
Lucy Quick (44) is a music and dance teacher from Botallack near St Just. Lucy has been married twice, but unfortunately both husbands died from nervous exhaustion in strenuous circumstances. Lucy is hoping that "this will be third time lucky!"Lucy does not mind what her suitors do for a living nor does she care what they look like, but she is insistent that they must have a strong constitution.
Interested applicants are advised to write to Box 4571, but they should be aware that Lucy will be holding "auditions".
Martin Nankervis (28), seen here being supported by his father (after coming home from a date), is of a nervous disposition. He is a washing machine repairman and works in the Lizard area, where he also lives with his widower father.Martin lacks confidence and love-struck ladies should be aware that Martin’s dad will be accompanying him on all dates "to make sure that the boy’s alright."
Martin earns £145 a week -- after tax -- and can, therefore, be regarded as something of a catch. However, he remains unsure if he can relate to girl "if dad isn’t there".
Could you imagine falling in love with and taking care of this gorgeous hunk of a man (and his dad)? If you can, then Box 5093 is the one for you.
Vernon Lanyon (43) is a carpenter and builder from Tregeseal with his own very successful business. Having built up the business over the past twenty years through sheer hard work, he is now looking for a young woman to share the fruits of his labours and of his loins.Apart from looking after him and the house, his wife should also help him look after his seagull collection. He currently holds some 3,000 gulls captive.
Each day, he takes one out for "experiments". If they survive, they are allowed to fly away, though this does prove difficult without wings. Vernon hopes to be the first human being to fly (without engines) and is using gulls' wings and feathers to construct a device to enable him to do this. If you would like to share the life of this lovely and adventurous man, then Box 6682 is the one for you.
IN THE NEXT BUMPER ISSUE
- ALIEN LIFE FORM IS CAPTURED IN BOSWEDDEN LANE!
- Review of "WHO ATE MEGAN'S GOOSE", the latest production from impressario Digby Trewin-Chuddlewit
- "YOUR STARS", with famed Breton mystic Maurice LaBalge
- OBITUARIES: RELUBBUS SAYS SAD FAREWELL TO "SOSHUL" POLGLAZE
- THE ROUNDUP VISITS THE SPANISH EMBASSY
- Our socially-responsible Lonely Hearts section
- And much, much more!
Issue 15, 5th November 2007
IMMIGRANTS "MUST LEARN CORNISH"
By political correspondent Rendell Janner
At a tempestuous meeting of the Greater Relubbus Urban Council (GRUC) last night, controversial council leader Billy Spargo announced plans that would require all future immigrants to Relubbus to learn Cornish.
In recent years, there has been a huge rise in the number of people, particularly from England, wishing to emigrate to Cornwall -- and to Relubbus in particular. The picture shows a group of potential emigrants queuing outside the Relubbus Embassy in London.
Mr Spargo said that an "unacceptable" situation was developing whereby non-Cornish-speaking immigrants were electing to live in their own self-contained enclaves that had little or no contact with the indigenous population. Many immigrants, he said, made no effort to learn the language, and had no knowledge of Cornish history and culture.
This was "regrettable" for both the indigenous and the incomers, he said, because it made for a divided society in which both groups were impoverished. He called for both groups to explore and celebrate each other's cultures in a spirit of diversity.
Mr Spargo went on to say that the existence of self-contained immigrant "ghettos" was also dangerous, since it could encourage extremists on both sides to target the other's "tribe".
To reduce the problem of immigrant enclaves, Councillor Spargo said that, in future, all prospective immigrants who applied for residence in Relubbus would be required to take a test in Cornish Language and Culture. The Roundup has been lucky enough to obtain a sample test, which we reproduce below.
Cornish Language and Culture Test
Time allowed 2 hours. Write on both sides of the paper. Do not start until told to "Get 'un on!"
1. Write down, in full, all the verses of the Cornish National Anthem, Trelawny. (You may write the English version, if preferred.)
2. Jonathan Trelawny was:
(a) A 17th century bishop.
(b) Scrum-half for Cornwall in the 1991 County Championship Final.
(c) Inventor of the seed catalogue.
3. "An Gof" is Cornish for:
(a) A miner.
(b) A blacksmith.
(c) A travelling salesman.
4. The sentence "I'll do 'un drekkly" means:
(a) I'll do it right away.
(b) I'll do it tomorrow.
(c) I'll do it at some indeterminate point in the future.
5. Write down the recipe for "'eavy (or "'eva") cake". Your cake must be of sufficient consistency and weight to act as a door-stop to a medium-sized oak door.
6. The patron saint of Cornwall is:
(a) St Augustine.
(b) St Piran.
(c) St Nicholas.
7. The national sport of Cornwall is:
(a) Wrestling.
(b) Rugby.
(c) Gig racing.
(d) Association football.
8. The colours of the Cornish national flag are:
(a) Red, white, and blue.
(b) Red and white.
(c) Black and white.
(d) White and black.
9. Which of the following materials have NOT been mined in Cornwall. (You may mark more than one.)
(a) Tin.
(b) Copper.
(c) Gold.
(d) Lead.
(e) Arsenic.
(f) Rhubarb.
10. Which of the following did Richard Trevithick NOT invent:
(a) High-pressure steam pumping engine.
(b) Steam-driven carriage.
(c) The Hawaian surf board.
Note to examiner: Answering (d) to Question 7 or (b) to Question 8 results in automatic failure.
Mr Spargo went on to say that, provided that prospective immigrants passed the simple "Language and Culture" test, to gain admittance to Relubbus they would be required to:
1. Undertake to attend an extended course of Cornish language lessons.
2. Swear allegiance to Relubbus on the flag of St Piran.
CREATIONISM IN OUR SCHOOLS -- the debate!
By Education correspondent Rendell Janner
Relubbus Central Hall in fashionable Boswedden Lane was the scene of a heated debate on Thursday evening, when the champion of Creationism, Goldsithney double-glazing mega-billionnaire Theophilus Rosewarne (on the right in our picture), clashed with Relubbus’ own "Appliance of Science", the acclaimed Praze-an-Beeble physicist, Professor Thelonius Treglown.
The Hall was packed with supporters of both sides. The referee of the debate was none other than the nephew of Councillor Billy Spargo, Harold Spargo, the noted, but somewhat retiring, Ludgvan philosopher.
Rosewarne was egged on by the legions of Methodist fundamentalists who made a point of attending the event. In dramatic fashion they filed into the hall one by one in total silence and lined the walls of the hall. All four of them were clad in black greatcoats, which barely concealed an array of weapons. With fearsome glances all around, they adopted threatening postures. Whenever Rosewarne got up to speak, they let out a deafening roar of repeated choruses of "Praise the Lord!". When Treglown tried to reply, they shouted out even louder "Work of the Devil!".
Given the presence of Spargo’s nephew, order was restored with the arrival of troops of Relubbus police, who took up positions around the hall and surrounded it completely -- a commendable feat, as there were only three of them. The temperature reached such a level that secret service man "Donkey" Clemo was called back to duty from a night off at the Bald Duck.
With order somewhat restored, Rosewarne trumpeted his belief that the whole of creation was summoned into being at a particular time on a particular day in a particular year -- the 23rd October 4004 BC. This elicited a cry of "Balderdash" from Donkey at the back of the hall. The fundamentalists looked him over and, realising that it was the secret policeman himself, a shadowy figure known and feared throughout West Cornwall, judged silence to be a better option than response.
Treglown, tempted to probe this astonishing accuracy further, asked at what time of day the creation event occurred. Rosewarne, his whole frame alive with the electricity of certainty, raised his finger at Treglown (as captured by our photo) and, fixing him with a glare that promised eternal damnation, declared loudly ‘It ‘appened at 2 o’ clock in the afternoon, jes' after danner!"
Clearly amused by this devastating show of hell-fire simplicity, Treglown, a witty man, asked Rosewarne if he also believed in Father Christmas, thereby earning an infuriated punch to the chin.
With Rosewarne now securely restrained by the powerful arms of Donkey Clemo, Treglown was hoisted to his feet by PC Hosking. He then gave a passionate speech in which he called for the light of clarity to illuminate the education of the children of Relubbus.
He asked for no more and no less than that they should be allowed to share the fruits of the labours of the men and women of science, of history, and of education. He called loudly for the retention of the teaching of evolution in the schools of Relubbus, "despite the fact that evolution occasionally gives rise to such laughable aberrations as Mr Rosewarne and the fundamentalists".
This last comment brought the house down and Relubbus Central Hall, usually a seat of learned debate, was transformed into an arena of fast and furious combat between fundamentalists and the police, who, aided by Donkey Clemo, eventually prevailed.
It is understood that the teaching of Creationism will be confined to the many Methodist fundamentalist schools (or madrasas) in and around Relubbus.
ADVERTISEMENT
Come Dancing with Jemima Trevithick!!You may be getting on now, but you haven’t got a Zimmer.
The light may now be fading, but there’s still a little glimmer.
So come now to Jemima’s and we’ll teach those feet to dance
And while you learn the steps, you might well also find romance!
Retired, but not yet got your Zimmer? Then "Get down and Boogie" at Jemima Trevithick’s dance studio for the elderly! 
Jemima, pictured here on the left in mid-groove, caters specifically for people of advanced years, who, whilst still capable of independent, unsupported, motion are a little unsteady on their feet.
This is a specialist facility for the elderly and it has a number of features, which set it apart from other dance studios.
In a friendly way, Jemima shouts very loudly at everyone through a megaphone, so that there is no possibility of their not hearing instructions.
The dance floor has a super-absorbent covering, so that any "accidents" from the incontinent are soaked up without trace -- apart from the smell, of course. Jemima also sells incontinence pads for both men and women.
All dancers are sprayed with heavy perfume on arrival so that there is no embarrassing "old people smell" in the dance studio.
The music is provided from a wind up record player and half-price lessons are available to those people who volunteer to operate the record player.
Each lesson costs a mere £149.99, which is cheap at the price, given that all Jemima’s helpers are qualified geriatric nurses, none of whom have been expelled ignominiously from their previous jobs.
So, if you’d like to lose Mum or Dad for a few hours, just bring them down to Jemima’s!! Jemima’s -- at 14, Boswedden Lane Relubbus
CELEBRITY -- hidden in Relubbus
By Social & Arts correspondent Elsie Rescorla
Relubbus is an economic powerhouse, a fortress of financial strength, a paradise of cultural delights, a land of brilliance and of tolerance. It is, therefore, no surprise that it has, over the years, drawn thousands of the world’s rich and powerful and just plain famous to come and live within it. Although these "celebrities" tend to gather in the environs of the fashionable diplomatic quarter, Boswedden Lane, they have been buying properties all over Relubbus. So just who are these celebrities in our midst? The Roundup shines its torch on just a few of them.
Jennifer Aniston was captured in the photo on the left looking very relaxed whilst taking tea at Polly’s Kettle in Marazion.
Jennifer is an American screen star, pursued by paparazzi wherever she goes. However, in Relubbus and West Cornwall there are so many famous people that she can simply blend into the overall tapestry of glitterati.
When in Relubbus, she lives a simple life. She likes to walk her pet badger, "Uggles", along the beach in the early mornings. She enjoys catching fish, sitting on the harbour wall, and then devours them live and raw. She enjoys simple, playful fun of the sort to be gained from "accidentally" jamming an umbrella into the spokes of a passing wheelchair and watching the startled passenger topple out, whereupon she assumes the character of "Miss concerned", helping the victim back into the chair and even signing an autograph.
George Clooney (left) is another Hollywood star who finds that he can only really be himself in Relubbus. Heart-throb George has taken to living under the assumed name and character of one William Ladner, painter and decorator. The clever plastic surgery he has had done boosts the efficacy of his disguise.
His cover is further maintained by the fact that his live-in partner, Avril Blewett, is convinced that they have lived together for 32 years and knew each other at school before that.
George will not sign autographs, but he will be happy to quote you for any internal or external decorating.
Charles Dickens, the celebrated novelist, is alive and well living in Relubbus, at the ripe old age of 195. Having given up writing some 137 years ago, he slipped away from his Gad’s Hill Place home in Kent to try another way of life altogether. He came down to Relubbus to work as a road sweeper, and is particularly happy that his "patch" is the Boswedden Lane area, because that is where all the rich and famous can be seen.
Jilly Goolden, the UK TV wine expert, can be seen here (wearing a particularly heavy disguise) clutching her habitual "wakey wakey" breakfast glass of wine.
Down in Relubbus, Jilly assumes the name of Selena Curnow and works as a sofa, bed, and chair tester for the Kwop furniture store. Despite branching out into this new way of life, she just can’t let the old wine habits go.
Ming (pronounced "Menzies") Campbell is the former leader of the Liberal Party in the UK. Deemed, at 94, a little too old to be leading the party, he was edged out by his colleagues’ cold shoulder. With his charming partner, Eric (a professional Tarot card reader, masseur, and make-up specialist), he has now come to Relubbus. Eric has used his skills to give Ming that "Black and White Minstrel Show" look, which Ming loves, because it was one of his favourite TV programmes.
Tony Blair is finding it hard to adjust to no longer being the UK prime Minister. He is seen here leaving No 10 Trevaskis Lane (purchased purely because of the house number) in a picture sent in to us by his wife. He is on his way to his new job in Curries in Penzance, where he is specialising in the selling of washing machines and spin dryers, since computers and new televisions contain more gadgetry than he is comfortable with. He travels to work with his wife, who has got a job behind the counter in Warren’s.
Roundup Reporters challenge Oates’ Superstore divvy coupon forger!
By Crime correspondent Rendell Janner
Doughty Roundup reporters have been on the trail of a mystery man who has been making forgeries of dividend coupons issued by the R C Oates superstore in Relubbus. These valuable coupons, which can be cashed in at the store, carry nominal values of from 9 to 37 pence. So far, at the outset of its new dividend scheme, the Superstore has issued 7 coupons, all to the value of 11 pence. However, the market has now been flooded with forgeries. Five coupons, all in the highest value of 37 pence each, have been presented to the store for redemption.
R C Oates, the multi-mega-billionnaire and canny businessman owner of the Superstore immediately became suspicious, since he knew that only 7 coupons had been issued and also that he didn’t intend to issue any more. He contacted the editor of the Roundup and asked for help in tracing the forger. Reporter Alcibiades "Grubber" Trevorrow and photographer Xenophon "Snapper" Kelynack were duly despatched to track down the super criminal.
Using CCTV from the superstore, which held images of the criminal trying to cash in the coupons, Grubber and Snapper soon tracked down and dramatically cornered none other than Trencrom Polglaze -- as shown in the photograph left. Mr Polglaze will appear before magistrates next Thursday.
LETTERS TO THE EDITOR
THIS WEEK'S STAR LETTER wins a limited-edition pewter statuette of GRUC council leader Billy Spargo, specially designed for the Roundup by internationally-famed sculptress Dame Barbara Hepwitch (decd.) *
Dear Sir,
As a long-term resident of Relubbus (moved down from London 8 years ago) I find much of your publication -- in particular, the anti-royalty references -- offensive. Camilla, Duchess of Cornwall, is a fine woman (as I know from a close acquaintanceship with her first husband) and does not deserve to be lampooned in this way.
The remainder of your rag I find incomprehensible. There seems to be a sub-culture in the area of which I was entirely unaware. Of course, it doesn't help that I don't speak the language.
Yours sincerely,
A.J. Cholmondely-Jackson (Major, retd.)
(The Roundup is always grateful to receive constructive criticism from its readers. To aid our English readers, we plan to publish further editions of our popular "Proper Job -- Cornish for the Non-Cornish" language tutorials. On the subject of the "Duchess of Cornwall", see our exposés of Lily Nichols. It is important to realize that the former Camilla Parker-Bowles and "Camilla, Duchess of Cornwall" are not the same person. Ed)
Dear Sir,
GRUC chairman Billy Spargo is a neighbour and good friend of mine and I can state categorically that he is NOT having an affair with Madame Sarcozy! And the rumours about the poodles are completely without foundation.
A publication of your undoubted probity and reputation should take more care in checking its sources!
Yours sincerely,
Annoyed, Relubbus (name and address supplied)
* Based on a design by Dame Barbara Hepwitch. Actual design by Tcheepo Plastics of Relubbus.
ALL THIS WEEK AT THE RELUBBUS MULTIPLEX
THE LATEST BLOCKBUSTER!
THE MAGNIFICENT SEVENstarring YUL BRYNNER, STEVE McQUEEN, ELI WALLACH
1:30 p.m, 4:30 p.m., 7:30 p.m.
Poetry Corner
By our Poetry Correspondent, Alice Chirgwin-JackaIt is our pleasure to be able to publish, from time to time, the less well known poetical works of the folk of West Penwith. One such less well known poet (though highly acclaimed by those who have had the pleasure of reading his works) is a Penzance chemist, who chooses to use a pseudonym to preserve his anonymity.
One of his more recent works focuses on the life of a chemist and we are proud to have the opportunity of publishing the poem here in full.
The Chemist
by Ranulph Oxyacetyline-BurnerLonely Hearts -- they need love too!
When folk have problems with their motions
It is my task to brew up potions.
And this I do to stem the flow,
But, just as well, I can make them go.
If ladies fear the lines of age,
I have the wherewithal to assuage
Their need of ointments, creams, and waters --
To make their skin just like their daughters’.
For aches and pains of every sort
I have a solution that can be bought.
So if you are on a medical quest
Come straight to me, for I know best.
My shop is found on Market Jew,
From whence I have a splendid view
Of all that passes up and down
In this our most beloved town.
They yearn for someone - just like you.
If your heart’s desire is here today
Then write in fast -- without delay!
Amelia Tonkin (26) is a beauty therapist from Germoe. A gregarious girl, she says "I like bein’ out wi' me mates, ‘avin’ a laugh an’ a drink an’ a fag!" Having taken a first class degree in Astrophysics at Cambridge, she decided 5 years ago that she did not want a long term career, but preferred instead to get married and settle down in Cornwall and have kids. She now lives in the parental home and is learning to become a fully qualified beauty assistant at Tracey’s Hairstylist’s in Newbridge. She has spent the first three years becoming expert in fingernail painting and the time since then she has been working on feet. She says "I duh dearly luv doin’ this practical work and it’s much more interesting than what astrophysics was". Her ideal partner would be a trainee garage mechanic with a comparable astrophysical background. Box 5622 is the one for Amelia.
Joe Kelynack (34) is a British Gas engineer from Hayle. He has had some near misses in the romance stakes but, as he says, "A miss is a good as a mile -- I won’t be ‘appy till I’ve 'ad me first date!" Joe lives very much alone apart from his large goldfish and hamster collections, with which he spends a great deal of time in his quest to breed a "hamfish". Suffering, as he does, from virulent forms of OCD in matters of personal hygiene, interested young ladies will find that he is squeaky clean. He longs for real togetherness, which, for him, means being tucked up in bed with his jam-jams on next to the lady of his dreams, while she reads to him from his extensive Beano Annual collection till he falls into blissful sleep. If you would like to be the lady in Joe’s dream then write to Box 5671.
Tommy "Golem" Kneebone (24) is a member of the extreme Methodist fundamentalist group the Gwennap Gangsters. He is shown here at a secret location in St Ives Porthmeor beach, where he is in training to join the armed wing of the group, which is active and feared throughout Cornwall. He is looking for a "proper Cornish maid". However, she must be of the Gwennap persuasion herself. That means that she will remain fully covered (from head to foot) at ALL times, never speak or make noises (even during the daily beatings) and she must be able to make excellent pasties, which don’t break "when I’m on a mission!" Box 4592 if you are she!
Libby Liddicoat (25) from Tremethick Cross works at the St Erth Creamery as a shorthand typist for the manager. She is an activity girl and has lots of hobbies such as archery, hockey, underwater speed-knitting, and aerobic embroidery. She is also an avid collector -- of many different things such as cowpats and various animal droppings. She is particularly fond of collecting gentlemen’s wallets. She says that she is keen to take up line dancing with the right partner and is seeking a very specific sort of person.Apparently, he must look just like George Clooney, have a car which costs as much as the average house, possess a pilot’s licence and have his own plane. He should have at least a couple of million in the bank. He should also live within walking distance of Tremethick Cross. She would like to have the pick of, at least, 6 people who fit the bill. If that’s you and you live in Tremethick Cross and lovely Libby is your sort of caring girl, then Box 6745 is the one for you!
Jemima Trevithick (29) from Perrananworthal is, at 3 foot 1 inch, a little on the short side. She works as a part-time cake decoration for Warrens Bakery. However she is very sensitive to any references to her small stature and is quite insistent that her man should be as tall as they come.She does rather fancy a relationship with a basketball player or someone at least 7 foot tall. Jemima is a sweet and caring girl, who has simply not yet met the right man. She is a traditional home-maker, apart from her hobby of torturing kittens -- in which she displays an astounding inventiveness. Box 7894.
Baldence Bodinnar (32) is a ladies hairdresser living in Gurnard’s Head. He describes himself as a "sensitive" and would like to meet a young man of similar age and with a similarly wide parting. His hobbies are playing marbles and conkers. He has played the penny whistle in a folk band for some 14 years now (he wears a wig for such appearances) and is a competition class cabbage grower, who takes gardening very seriously indeed. The young man he hopes to meet will probably also be a hairdresser... from Marazion... called Dennis. So Dennis, if you are interested, "Baldence is willing". Write to Box 3391 (or call in at Hazel’s Hairfair in Newlyn).IN THE NEXT BUMPER ISSUE
- ALARM IN CAPITAL AS CORNISH INVADE LONDON
- UNEXPECTED TWIST IN SARCOZY LOVE STORY
- CORNISH LANGUAGE INSTRUCTION IS BOOMING!
- BITTER FIGHTING ON HAYLE BORDER
- THE ROUNDUP VISITS THE IRANIAN EMBASSY
- Our socially-responsible Lonely Hearts section
- And much, much more!
