SCILLIES - AMBITIOUS TUNNEL PLAN A SUCCESS!!

The tangled debates about the practicalities of the connections between the Scilly Isles and the Cornish mainland have been transformed by the shock announcement from local hero entrepreneur, R C Oates (98), that he is a digging a road tunnel to connect Relubbus directly to the Scilly Isle of St Agnes.

Oates is pictured here in full Cornish miner's kit, sporting a cigar obtained at a most reasonable price from Mr Scobie's fashionable Smoking Perquisites Emporium in Penzance.

The connection, which is already all but completed - having, for commercial reasons, been constructed in total secrecy - will provide a 6 lane motorway from Tregembo Hill in Greater Relubbus which will emerge at the Turks Head, Old Lane, on the teeming island of St Agnes.

Asked why he did not choose to route his connection to one of the bigger islands such as St Mary's, Tresco or St Martin's, Oates, the enigmatic mega-multibillionnaire recluse, who likes to be known simply as "RC", stated that, since his mother is called Agnes, there could be not other possible destination.

The tunnel - and road - is being built by forty stout and trusty Cornish hard rock miners shown here on the left.

Most unusually, the lads have started their tunnel at the mid-point and are working out from there to the two end points - Relubbus and St Agnes.

The more mentally agile of our readers will have immediately noticed that the tunnel has been commenced - well out to sea - under the seabed.

Mr Oates stated, "I dunnit on perpose so no one dknaw about un till I was goodun ready!"

The chief commissioning engineers, Billy and Tommy Thomas, speaking with the benefit of their fourth pints from their HQ in the Swordfish Inn in Newlyn, stated, "Course we adda few problems like.Gettin they boys out there in the firss place and riggin up the ladder in they airtight barrels to git down the seabed wadden easy - 'specially as Mr Oates ave said we gotta do un on the quiet!"

However, human ingenuity has once more triumphed over natural obstacles and the tunnel - together with its full 6 lane motorway with a canal alongside capable of taking a ship the size of the Scillonian - will be completed at the weekend.

An inspiration to the miners has been their very own 'pasty maid', Morwenna Pengelly, runner-up in last year's Marazion version of Countdown.

Morwenna (26) from Prospidnick is a nearly-qualified former trainee bicycle repairer, who believes that pasties are not only a source of good nutritious food but also an effective and fetching addition to the wardrobe of any fashion-conscious Cornish maid.

Morwenna learnt crimping at her mother's knee and proudly states that the men especially like the pasties that have kept their warmth by being kept closest to her body.  She says excitedly, "I duh walk roun and they boys duh  pluck off they pasties jes to see wass underneath.  They're sum cheeky, they are , they boys!"

The boys couldn't be happier.  They eat pasties for breakfast, croust, dinner, tea and supper and also eat an additional one as a snack, if they feel a bit peckish.  However, five or six pasties a day is nothing when you consider the work rate required to complete the tunnel, motorway and canal construction in just under three weeks.

The engineering feat (progress shown here on only day three!) is only achievable because of the high motivation generated by the huge rewards being offered by Mr Oates.  Each man receives £14 10s 9d per day, in addition to as many pasties as they can eat.  Furthermore, on completion, every man will receive a bonus payment of either a free brand new Reliant Robin Mk 2 SLX or a half price haircut plus manicure and pedicure at Shelley's of St Just.

Mr Oates is expecting to make a tidy sum from each car crossing on the toll motorway.  Journeys to the Scillies will cost 2s 6d per car, whilst the retun journey will cost £145.

The Scillonian - sailing along the canal - will have a much calmer journey than that often experienced on the surface of the sea.  Mr Oates is planning to make no charge for canal boat crossings in view of their reduced environmental impact.

The novel engineering project is likely to attract enormous interest from around the world, particularly at the weekend, when the men are expected to break through both at the Tregembo Hill and St Agnes ends of the tunnel.

Hotels from Land End right up as far as Truro are fully booked with TV and print journalists and with many thousands of the keen and curious members  of the public, who are waiting to see this new wonder of the world.

SUMMER SOJOURN IN PENZANCE

Special literary correspondent, R T Farty, writes:  The Roundup is proud to announce that it has secured the exclusive rights to serialise the latest work by celebrated Cornish author, R E Plum (105).

Plum's long-awaited latest work, Summer Sojourn in Penzance, has electrified the critical world, which is falling over itself to find new expressions of praise to heap upon this fabled master of the penned word.

Plum's oeuvre concerns itself with the extraordinary happenings that befell during his recent annual holiday in Penzance.  Part I starts in today's Roundup.

Part I

On a rain-washed Monday morning, my annual train journey down to Penzance to escape the hustle and bustle of Truro working life and to begin my summer holiday in the 'holy head' of Cornwall was rendered all the more pleasant by finding a most fetching young lady seated opposite me in my carriage.

After half an hour of exchanging furtive glances at one another, we fell into conversation and I was able to determine that, despite her pronounced but endearing lisp,this enigmatically perfumed and bewitching young beauty with the chuckling eyes was a Miss  Elspeth Tregonning, 39 years old, unmarried and, by profession, a geriatric colonic irrigator from Grampound Road.

She too was on her way to her holidays in the far West and had secured lodgings in a Board Residence but 10 minutes walk from my own.  I noted that she was staying at Mrs Barret's residence - Bellevue - on the fashionable Regent Terrace. 

We fell silent again after 30 seconds of animated and flustered conversation, but I entertained secret hopes of running into Miss Tregonning in Penzance and fancied that she too would not be displeased were Lady Luck to re-unite us in that most romantic of towns.  With her holiday address firmly fixed in my memory, I had already decided to give Lady Luck every assistance.

On the following Thursday, my day began quite normally.  After a satisfying breakfast of Assam tea and toast, along with three hard boiled eggs, which had been squeezed fresh from the rear of a startled and squawking chicken before my very eyes, I had set off from my lodgings at Bosleven, Mrs Nicholls's Board Residence in Trewithen Road, to make my way along Alverton Road into the town to collect the two books I had ordered from Mr J A D Bridger in Market Jew Street.

I was much looking forward to both rare volumes, since I firmly believed that they were set to enrich my personal life. 

The first, by Pascoe Treloar (the gentleman is pictured left), The Fully Illustrated Guide to Home Treatments for Advanced Syphilis, I would have to keep well hidden, since I had learnt years ago that Mrs Nicholls was much given to prying around in my personal belongings. 

Thinking of Miss Tregonning, I also nurtured fervent hopes that there might be, in this tome, a special section on quick-acting cures.

The second volume was by Nudger Boase (this gentleman is also pictured left).  The title was A Guide to the Use of Fresh Horse Manure in the Cultivation of a Larger and Healthy Male Member. 

This volume I had resolved to leave on open display in my room, since Mrs Nicholls had made disparaging comments about "your little willy", whilst I was proudly showing off the new swimming hose I had lately purchased from Mr Frank Jacobs' sterling, but pleasantly inexpensive, drapery establishment on the Terrace.

As I made my way past J Osborne Cock's (the gentleman is pictured left whilst on a cycling expedition to Lamorna) a fine stationer's in Market Place, I espied Miss Tregonning emerging from A Opie & Co , the Cash Chemist and vendor of patent medicines, toilet requisites and druggist's sundries.

Clutching a mysterious and unusually large parcel, she cast nervous glances all around her as she made off in the direction of Morrab Gardens.

The mere sight of her caused a strong arousal in my curiosity.  She had not noticed me and, anxious to renew our acquaintance, I quickly gave pursuit, but was obliged to moderate my pace for fear that I would disturb the complicated, but sadly very necessary, surgical wrappings around my tortured junior partner.

I was thus some minutes behind Miss Tregonning as I entered the gardens.  My attention was immediately arrested by strange noises emanating from behind tall thickets of bamboo.  My ear could clearly discern the urgent low moans of a gentleman in some considerable distress as well as detect the sound of water being directed under pressure.  I stopped and harked. 

Then I heard the sound of a woman's voice, in loud and commanding tones, yet coloured by a strong and very familiar lisp...

To be continued....

NEW BOOK, NEW AUTHOR

Popular Penzance prostitute, Kelly Killigrew (39), whose acute commercial sense led her to develop an initiative, "the price ladder", which has subsequently been gratefully copied by hundreds of professional ladies from St Buryan to right up to Camborne, has decided to branch out into writing.

For those unfamiliar with the price ladder, Kelly - no slouch when to comes to bargains - quickly twigged than when you offer pensioners '70% off' and the unemployed '50% off', you can protect your earnings by not disclosing 'off what' and still coin in the full sum - or even more.

However, now still with almost half her own teeth and free from disease at the last check just 19 years ago, Kelly, thinking of the future, has decided that, with gravity now beginning to pull its not inconsiderable weight, it is now time to carve out and develop a new career.

She has thus turned to writing and has conceived of the idea of penning a history of Notable Courtesans of West Penwith.

Despite this new departure, as she says herself, "I aren't givin up the scrubbin' completely.  I duh still do it, but I duh do the writin' in between like."   Thus she can often be viewed pacing up and down Parade Street with a notebook in her hand, furiously scribbling away in between rushed visits to the bushes of nearby Morrab Gardens in the company of 'reg'lars'.

Billy Curnow Publications of Adelaide Street, Penzance has snapped up the chance to take on this new local author. Says proprietor, Billy Curnow, "I wuz persuaded by the regal prose o' this queenathu pros and by the 50% off she gimme fer 6 weeks!"   Clearly, he hadn't heard of the price ladder.

With Kelly's kind permission we are taking just a brief look at some of the historical local talent she is featuring in her book.

On the left are the legendary so-called 'Eight Sirens of Sennen'.

They are, from the left, Lizzie Kelynack (16), Seline Hichens (17), Gracie Beckerleg (19), Alice Chirgwin (22), Sarah Jago (21), Aggie Curnow (27), Lavinia Lutey (24), and their captain and surprisingly agile yet one-legged star, Liza Cargeeg (29).

Known by Policeman Carne as 'the scourge of the cove', these young ladies busily worked the streets of Sennen Cove in the 1920s.  Dressed in a home-made uniform, they tended to stand out because of their unorthodox gait as they practised their eye-catching 'walk in formation'.  For more, get the book.

The beauty on the left was the famous Jane Hosking of Chypraze, pictured here at the age of 32.  A young lady of a fiercely intellectual and literary turn of mind, her stunning looks bewitched many a young man until she was finally successfully wooed and won by the 97-year-old shellfish billionaire, Abnego Baragwaneth. 

Although the latter was married, he was so smitten with the young temptress that he set her up in a sumptuous lovenest in Botallack on a fabulous daily allowance of 2/6d a day, excluding food. An accomplished and pioneering writer of the Cornish novella and a prolific poetess, all of the manuscripts of this noted but sadly unpublished writer were consumed by the chip fire that took her life in 1924.

Kelly tells the story of many another local fair maid but we will mention here only one more and that is the Newlyn nymph that was Priscilla "Pilchards" Polkinghorne, captured here on her 29th birthday.

At an early age, Prissy's keen intelligence shone brightly  at Newlyn Board School, where she displayed an easy facility and mastery of pure maths, nuclear physics, bio-chemistry and applied sandpit activities.

Known as "Pilchards" because of the the sharp smell her body emitted, she later grew into a ravishing beauty, much sought after at the tennis club and at Penzance swimming pool, where hundreds of local boys would congregate just to catch a glimpse of her breathtaking figure.

All the dashing swains from far around would pursue her - to no avail.  At the age of 17 she had lost her heart to a 77-year-old unhappily married dairy farmer from Tremethick Cross, whom she rapidly proceeded to make most happy.

In all weathers, she faithfully cycled up to see him for half an hour each evening at 7.30 , when he was out with the cows.  This went on for 40 years, when he sadly expired.  Consumed with grief, she followed him just two weeks after.

Hungry for more?  The book will be available from Billy Curnow Publications and at all good bookshops from next Wednesday at a price of just £749.99 each (or £3,500 for four copies!).

DUCHY'S SURPRISE UNDERGROUND RAIL NETWORK FOR CORNWALL!!

Roundup Reporters have uncovered a secret plan hatched by the Duchy of Seine Königliche Hoheit Prinz Karl von Sachsen-Coburg und Gotha to open an underground rail network in Cornwall in order to relieve road traffic pressures above ground.

The secret plan is already in an advanced stage of preparation with numerous routes already built, including the West Penwith line.

The picture on the left is taken in the tunnel on the Zennor-Pendeen section of the line, which is now complete.

The trains will use a completely new type of technology code-named ZGB (believed to stand for Zero Gravity Bullet). This permits very high speeds without passengers experiencing any sensation of high speed travel.

According to design engineer, Trenwith Polglaze (36), of Goldsithney,(who will now sadly lose his job for talking to us), “the doors duh jes’ shut and open without you moving at all, but when they do open, you see that you are in the next station – it’s magic!”

A secret document shows the proposed journey times between certain destinations. The Zennor-Pendeen section will take just 2 minutes, whilst the stretch from Pendeen to St Just will take a mere 60 seconds. The extensive network is likely to see many people doing away with their cars for good.

Whilst the new underground system is now likely to be warmly welcomed by most of those who live in and visit Cornwall, it is also sadly likely to fuel the flames of controversy.

Firstly, property prices are clearly set to shoot up in those places on the underground route, whilst those hamlets and towns not on the route must reckon with a plummeting fall in property prices.

This can be seen on the attached map, where the West Penwith line leaves Sennen and moves directly to Mousehole, completely bypassing St Buryan. This will be a severe blow to those living in St Buryan, and a particularly cruel blow to any,who might have just moved there recently.

A second source of controversy lies in the fact that some businesses are more conveniently located near to stops than others. For instance, RC Oates Superstore in Relubbus is right next to one of the 25 stations in Relubbus, whereas Morrisons and Tescos in Penzance are some way from the nearest stop, which is at Gems Salon, Poltair Close, Heamoor. Similarly Shelley’s Hair and Beauty in St Just is likely to receive a boost by being located to one of the 6 stops in St Just.

Leaving aside the many controversies, most people are likely to be pleased by the provision of this advanced travel facility.

Many people will be wondering why the Prinz should be making such a gesture to the people of Cornwall. The Roundup has acquired a copy of a tape in which Seine Hoheit explains his actions thus to one of his aristocratic advisers, Heini von Porridge (both pictured here):

Seine Hoheit: “Heini, I haff all my life taken £ millions every year from ze Cornisch. Mein Gott, Zey might be counting!

Now MPs and even ze BBC are giving beck expenses, I sought zat I should give ze Cornish somesink beck. Now I can say zat I haff been takin ze Cornisch millions so zat I could give zem a Underground railway!!””

Heini Porridge: “Exzellent, O mein Prinz! You can also say zat it is good for ze environment – far fewer cars – etcetera!”

Having his whole life long taken huge sums of money as a landlord from one the poorest areas of the UK, the people of Kernow can now expect the Prinz and his Duchy to present them with their brand new Underground railway. If not, just what has he been doing with the money? Shall we count the millions???!!

EUROVISION –- SHOCK AFTER SHOCK!

Millions of people are hoping to view the EUROVISION Song Contest, which this year will take place in Moscow.

However, a select few thousand people who have paid small fortunes to attend and ‘be there’ at the event are expected to be furious when they arrive in Moscow, Russia, only to discover that the EUROVISION Contest is actually taking place in the Moscow Stadium in Relubbus, frequently referred to amongst the Cornish cultural cognoscenti as simply ‘Moscow’, as in the phrase “Goin up Moscow tonight, aree?”.

The glittering 90,000 seater Moscow stadium was opened only last year by 104-year-old Councillor Billy Spargo’s pride and joy, his 22-year-old great granddaughter, Tilly Bunt.

Tilly, pictured here on the left wearing clothes, is the well-known burlesque performer who has stormed the far West.

In her 10 month career so far in working men's clubs in and around Crowlas, Tilly has already earned enough to purchase outright a £150,000 estate in St Buryan, as well as a sumptuous £29,000 pad in Adelaide Street, Penzance.

The stadium is shown here on the left in a picture with beautiful Chinese TV reporter, Liu Jingwen.

Liu has come to Relubbus to cover the great event because of the surprise Chinese entry from Mao Ze Dong called “Just Me and my Little Red Book”.

This is believed to be the very FIRST posthumous entry ever in EUROVISION. Precisely how the Chinese will overcome the customary motionlessness associated with being dead is unknown, although experts are expecting a lot of flashing lights on the ‘box’ as well as furious activity from the supporting 150-strong dance troupe. None of the dancers is over the age of 11. This is seen as an attempt to provide a counter-balance to the undeniably deceased state of the ‘singer’.

The Chinese entry is expected to do well because of tactical voting on behalf of the many countries which are looking to China to help pull them out of recession.

However, despite this in-built advantage for the Chinese, all the smart money will be on the late entry from Latvia featuring two Lesbians, Laima and Ludis.

The self-sytyles "Two Lovelies" are singing their own creation Lovegirls’ Lullaby, accompanied by the Riga Harmonica Orchestra of People of Restricted Growth.

This entry is expected to attract a huge loyalty vote from Lesbians throughout the EU, including from certain well-known Penzance guest houses. Bookmakers are now refusing to take bets on the two girls.

What will the result be? Well, wait and see, but you can be sure that the Roundup will be there to report it all for you!!

POETIC UTTERANCE – WAKFER-BORLASE SPEAKS!

Celebrated St Buryan poet Walter Wakfer-Borlase (94) is shown here on the left in a photograph taken by Dorlas Penrose, ultraloyal retainer, in a photo-shoot some thirty years ago.

Wakfer-Borlase has achieved international recognition (throughout St Buryan) for his evocative poetry, which is inspired by the Cornwall "to which I duh owe my all".

The great man penned the following poem from his deathbed, following a walk in bracing winds in Porthleven last week.

PEN SANS (Wosgoinoneera?)

I wen’ over Porthlebben las’ week -
Went fer a walk an’ a li’l bit geek.
The sun was sum lovely, but the sea - it was rough
A wind was up – an' we soon ‘ad enuff.

So we all come ‘ome fer a nice cup tay
A nice warming drink at the end of the day.
We come through P’nzance, the Ross bridge still down
Forcin’ the traffic round an’ up through the town.

That set me to thinkin’ ‘ow much ‘ave gone by
No Marchants, no Jacobs – no real reason why.
The town changes shops, like a woman ‘er dress
But I don’t think the changes are all fer the best.

Now i’s all bleddy phone shops – estate agents too --
Cheap shops and trash shops – give me nuthin’ – nor you.
Tregenza’s, Trezise’s – old names and true
Like Andrewartha and Simpsons – served my grandfathers too.

They are all old ‘real’ businesses – source of pride fer P’nzance
Give the town value and character – their names ring of romance.
‘Ow long will it be till these old names go too
And we’re left with just ANYTOWN’s Orange and O2?

The Roundup is saddened to have to report that Walter choked on his badger broth some few hours after dictating this work to his ever-faithful live-in companion and amanuensis, Dorlas Penrose (72).

Amidst uncontrollable floods of tears, Dorlas stated that his ‘beloved master’ would now, at least, no longer have to witness the continued depletion of old Cornish businesses in the town he fondly described as the capital of West Penwith.

ERRATA

The Roundup is justly known for its high standards of journalism, which are the envy of the newspaper industry. However, even we have made the odd mistake.

We apologise unreservedly to the family of Mrs Doris Lutey, whose obituary last week was entitled “Soliciting in Penzance for over 35 years”. Mrs Lutey’s calling is, of course, more properly described as that of a solicitor.

We also apologise to Mrs Lutey herself, who has written in to tell us that she is not yet, in fact, dead. Following extensive negotiations with Mrs Lutey, the Roundup has agreed to pay a sum of £12.50 to the Sancreed Methodist Home for Fallen Women.

BEAT THE CREDIT CRUNCH WITH OUR AMAZING GIFT RANGE

AT SECONDS AWAY OF ADELAIDE STREET PENZANCE

Customer car is parked outside our store (shown left) and things inside are busy, busy!!

Machine-knitted cardigan – white ribbed with ruffled edges – size 22 – only 11 years old – three arms. Would make lovely Christmas present for beloved with three arms! £45

Home-made Sou’Wester crafted 14 years ago by donor’s Granpa from simulated lino – needs new cords, but still keeps rain off. Only £1.29

Butane-powered toothbrush with stainless steel brushes – failed prototype, so only £3.75

For those special occasions! Set of Ceramic teeth – startling white for that Hollywood look. (Must be taken out before eating!!) Get that film star look for only £215

Light pea-green sock – size 11 – once one of a pair, so big reduction – only £1.09

Half of a trombone – original blue leather case intact – bargain at just £75

Shopping Trolley - runs well – Morrison’s sign removed. Could also, with enough cushions, be used as pram. £49

Folding Yellow and Purple camping table suitable for breakfast for one. Two legs missing, so only 31 pence!

Nest of three tables – bevelled glass tops with mahogany-effect surrounds – only slightly fire-damaged – £97

Wooden lavatory seat – splits can probably be planed out, making as new - £47.50

Gas-powered Grundig black and white television set, sometimes capable of receiving BBC1 and Channel 4. Full set of controls includes dials for volume and vertical and horizontal hold, allowing easy adjustability. Comes with previous owner’s home-designed extending arm for easy adjustment from your armchair!! £754

Kenwood Chef 1b foodmixer – hand-operated - delicate mechanism – suit woman or gay man, only £9

Ladies (size 18) full length coat in black rubber with bright orange ‘fur’ collar - £246

Madame Carla Sarkozy shown here on the left coming out of the store having made a purchase of Edna Angove's Lingerie.

Fallen tree – lots of good wood in it – not in shop - must be collected from site - at night – silently - £87

Genuine antique Parisian pissoir – originally copper green – now needs a good lick of paint, but in perfect working order - £595

Whole lorry load of Albanian Christmas sweets – with instructions – in 10 kilo tins – handling gloves supplied – only £1.50 a tin – Go on, spoil the kiddies!!

Only Licensed Outlet for Edna Angove’s made-to-measure hand-knitted lingerie for her and for him. Come in store to view options available and to make your appointment with the legendary wizard-knitter of Colinsey Road. Sample prices - Lady’s Brazier and Knickers £175; Gentleman’s pouch £165

Collection of 20 Sudoku books – vastly reduced as already filled in - £1.75 the lot!

Record Player plus 7 LP records of the unforgettable Hymie Slibowitz playing Calypso on the Jew’s Harp £235

Kiddies’ trike in Bob the Builder motif – works perfectly, but no chain £19

Pinky n’ Perky Pogo stick (yes, almost a collector’s item!!). Handle broken off, so only £150

Ukrainian ‘I speak your weight’ machine - in perfect working order - £39

Barbie Princess Dress – suitable for 5-6 year olds – expertly mended and now, after a wash, almost good as new so £12

Stainless steel sink with cold tap (needs new washer) – a mere snip at £5 in view of strange stains and odd smell that won’t go away.

This is just a sample of what we have for you in store at SECONDS AWAY!!

For the first five customers tomorrow, there will be a FREE one ounce bag of sawdust!!

SPOTLIGHT ON COLINSEY MANAGEMENT CONSULTANCY

ADVERTISEMENT
Colinsey Management Consultancy (CMC) can change the way your business looks and behaves – for ever!

Meet the CMC team!

Nancy Clemo (34) is an expert on what she terms the “the male deadline crisis” and has many years experience in helping men out of this mental dead end. She has now been persuaded to leave the Prom (near St Anthony’s Gardens) to join the team of professionals based at Heamoor to school the West Cornwall Business Community to take on the world – and beat them.

Skugley Benge (35) is a young man with over 45 years experience in personal training. He has a deep personal knowledge of the scope and power of mind-altering drugs and deploys this knowledge and skill in his executive coaching.

Skugley has never been ‘inside’.

Caxter Bunt (35) is a management guru who believes in the unrivaled power of the unwashed body. The idea might, at first sight, seem abhorrent. But Baxter’s considered opinion is that “washing” is unnatural and that allowing natural odours to cloak the body also provides protection for the mind – in his words ‘It clothes the soul!”.

Caxter, who has borrowed three books on management from Penzance Library over the past few years, is part of the executive coaching team.

Rodney Botallack (25) has a unique role in the team. He is there to be an inspiration to everyone to be a fat cat. Weighing in at 35 stone, he works hard to consume the calories to keep looking the way his mother likes him to look. Since birth she has wanted him to be ‘a fat cat’. He is certainly getting there and he would like to share his secrets with aspiring business leaders in West Penwith.

The ‘leading lady’ of the CMC team is the company founder, Gracie Pender (51). Miss Pender has held top jobs in a range of well-known organisations.

She started work life at the age of 16 as a filing clerk in the Penwith Parks department. Then, two years ago, she was promoted to a ‘hands-on’ role in the staff canteen.

She therefore has a wide experience and appreciation of corporate life. She also has a CSE in Spanish (Grade 5).

If you duh want a 'proper job', then come to CMC!! Whatever problems you may 'ave, we'll sort 'n' owt fer 'ee!!

CLASSIFIEDS - THE UPDATE

The recent series of classifieds appearing in this organ contained one plea that brought a reaction from hundreds of young women, all desperate to be the source of solace to the man who advertised thus:

Old fart, 82 but not yet dead, seeks stunning blonde between 25 and 29, who will lavish love upon me. Must be solvent, as I aren’t. Tel 0905 446 4612.

It is with the greatest of regret that we bring you the news that, despite the note of plucky optimism at the beginning of his message, the “Old Fart”, one Daniel Beare of the Caravan, Badger’s Field, St Just, has now passed away.

Such was his joy at being told that his advert had attracted 257 applicants that his excitement grew and his heart gave up on him.

However, we were so touched at the reaction that we have decided to print, for free, the adverts of some of those who responded in such a kindly manner, despite the fact that some clearly do not fit into the category of blonde, solvent, stunning and between 25 and 29.

Janice Cock (27) from Rosudgeon is a mobile (with own bike) "penile implant repair operative", who counts the whole of West Penwith as her patch. Given the nature of her work, she was on the lookout for a relationship that would offer her restful companionship to counterbalance the rigours of her day. “I am shagged out at the end of the day and jes’ wanted someone to come ‘ome to. I’m sum sorry to ‘ear about Mr Beare!” Janice would like to hear from you at Box 5674.


Sharon Botterill (16) is still at school, but as she said “Mr Beare sounded like such a kindly old bloke. I was jes’ goin’ to call in on un after school every couple of days to check ee’s alright, fetch ‘is fags and that sort of thing. Course, it might ‘ave led to more….” If anyone is moved by Sharon’s touching concern, she would love to hear from them and would like younger men or even boys her own age to make contact at Box 3912.


Lydia Addicoat (27), last year’s Miss Perranporth, shown here wearing her winning crown, is a ‘junior’ in a hair styling salon, where she has been training for some years to become a beautician. As the salon has male customers now too, she has been ‘looking after their feet’. She has developed a particular affection for old men’s feet, but did not like to tell anyone about it. Mr Beare would have been a dream partner, as he had apparently had ‘very bad feet’. If anyone would like to “play footsie” with Lydia, they should write to Box 7834.

Some one calling themselves just ‘Chris’ has sent in this photo, along with a message saying “I am Chris. I look just like this. I don’t want people to be afraid any more. They can trust me now. I am sorry about Mr Beare. I thought I could manage him, because his sight was probably not any good any more.” Chris lives "up on the moors" and loves horses. If you are interested, just take up a message. Chris will be watching. Chris is always watching.


Dog poo control operative (no, she’s eating chocolate!) Linda Borlase (25) is a sweet girl, who was strongly taken by Mr Beare’s cri de coeur. Overactive glands leave Linda with an embarrassing personal odour problem that makes her think she’d be better suited to an older man, like Mr Beare. She would like to hear from other over 80s gents at Box 4567.


Bert Trelowarren is a 27-year-old ladies' outfitter from Nancledra. A gentle soul, he has difficulty in fitting into the Penzance scene. He is very interested in male bodily dysfunctions, but finds it hard to relate his wishes to others. He thought that he would have a chance with an older man, hence his interest in Daniel. If anyone else would like to while away an evening with Bert over a yarn and a gallon of Bulmers, he should contact Box 5601.

Gracie Pender is 96 and still ‘up for it’. Gracie invented lap dancing in the 1920s and made a great deal of money from Lord Falmouth, the Bolithos and the Le Grices. She has also been credited with passing on handy hints to the Duckess of Cornwall about how to enliven nights at Highgrove. Charles was so thankful, he sent down his favourite cabbage to her. When she read Daniel’s message she thought “he’s a bit of a toyboy, but I’ve got the money and the time, so why the hell not?" Gracie is still eligible and open to invitations at Box 9127.

And finally, the man who all this was about? The man himself, Daniel Beare?

Here we have a picture of Daniel, snapped at one of his last ‘Dentures for Life’ sessions, where he acted as a model.

We send Daniel every best wish for his future journeys through the worlds of being!

PETROL-SAVING MOTORS FROM RC OATES

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By Motoring Correspondent Horton Tregarthen

In these days of ever-rising petrol prices, RC Oates Automotive Industries are proud to announce new models that will save you money!

First up is the hand-powered motorbike, shown below. This truly innovative invention is reputed to do 32,578 miles to the gallon, although this figure may well be an under-estimate, since in tests so far the petrol has never needed to be replaced!

RC Oates' hand-powered motorbike

For business users, we have the ground-breaking battery-powered truck, shown below. This too promises enormous savings in fuel costs. Although the initial cost of the battery is high, at £3,999,999.99, the battery is rechargeable (via a supplied hand-crank), and is expected to pay for itself in a short period of time.

RC Oates' battery-powered truck

A perceived drawback of the battery-powered truck is the relative lack of storage space for goods, due to most of the rear of the truck being occupied by the battery itself. However, in a design masterstroke, this has been compensated for by additional storage space (allocated from the driver's sleeping quarters) in the cab.

The new vehicles will be manufactured at RC Oates' state-of-the-art fabrication plant in the People's Republic of Hayle, shown below. Among industry experts, this plant is widely acknowledged to be second in sophistication only to the robot-controlled Trevaskis Motors' factory situated in the garages behind Penponds Close, at Alverton, Penzance.

RC Oates' state-of-the-art fabrication plant at Hayle

ODGO SEMMENS -- POET OF THE PEOPLE

By our Poetry Correspondent, Alice Chirgwin-Jacka

'Odgo (the "dg" is pronounced as in "stodge") Semmens (73), the restless Penzance poet of Colinsey Road, Treneere, has recently received the honour of coming twelfth in the Perrananworthal Horticultural Society's poetry competition. (The other 8 contestants were all younger than him.)

His entry was a reflective work taking the theme of his Penzance childhood. Written in, unusually for him, standard English, this work is entitled Cornish Boy's Childhood.

Cornish Boy's Childhood

As a lad, I played in hedgerows and smelt the earth and green,
And felt a strange excitement as Linda became my queen.
A kid's small world to him is vast and time it has no end --
Events just string together in childhood's journey without end.

Penzance it was my universe -- the world that I could see,
There was no place beyond it that could mean as much to me.
For all those in the world I loved could be seen within a walk,
And the comfort warm of Cornish chat could be heard within their talk.

Family day out in Trevaylor beneath those trees so tall,
With hide and seek, then sandwiches and laughing fun for all.
I have so many images of now distant boyhood years:
It is a world lit up with love, in which there were no fears.

I wish that every child could know the warmth of a loving nest.
When small, I knew just my Cornish home -- for me it was the best.
A Penwith boy, of Cornish blood, I grew on Cornish scenes;
And feel the love of that sweet place abundant in my genes.

'Odgo

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CHRISTIAN RECORD HITS!! BUY YOURS NOW!!!!!
You too can own one of the famous CHRISTIAN RECORD hits -- specially recorded for you by the leading lights of the Paul Methodist Church Choir, Ladislaus and Smegma Tregudgeon-Louvin, who sing for you their greatest hit...

"Satan is real!"

Marshall James's Music of Market Jew Street, Penzance is the big financial backer behind these two boys from Paul, who hope to make it big in the music world.

Already, their Enty Dorothy has promised to buy three copies of their record and they are hoping for more purchases soon. There is even talk of a 'grand tour' as far as the Lizard.

If you want to get in early on the success of these two West Cornish boys singing for Jesus (even if the title song is about Satan), then do just like their Enty Dorothy and buy three copies of the record at 14s and 6d each - available now at Marshall James's of Penzance!!!

PEOPLE IN THE NEWS

The Roundup provides a 'roundup' of people who have been making the big news in West Penwith!
Voluptuous Brenda Rosewarne (27) from Tregeseal, St Just, is not just a go-ahead executive in charge of sheet music for Marshall James' Music in Market Jew Street, Penzance!

In her spare time, she is active in four different sports. Last week she came 8th in the Tregeseal Methodist Church Egg and Spoon Race.

The week before, she managed to secure 3rd place in the Pendeen Open Cross Country 5 mile Hopping (left leg only) race.

Last month, she scooped second prize in the Tremethick Cross Magnifying Glass Ant-frying Speed Contest (frying 356 ants in just 30 minues!).

Yesterday, she topped all her other achievements by coming first in the Sancreed Sack Race (It differs from other such races in that the sack is worn over the head and thus, once one has been spun round the regulation 36 times to achieve disorientation, one has precious little chance of going in the right direction, quite apart from covering the 220 yards in the required 8 minutes). Breathless Brenda was over the moon with her performance, saying "I am over the moon!"

Hankie Penhaligon (41), on his organ on the left, and Ben Dover (39), fully engaged with his instrument on the right, are kitchen fitters by day, but sing proudly for God in the evenings.

The two boys founded the group "Cornish Voices for Jesus" years ago at Mousehole Methodist Youth Club. Now their runaway success with their last hit, "Satan's feet don't smell too good!", has won them the support of the Christian Records Label and bookings from Heamoor to St Buryan.

Mecca Bingo caller, Dougie Botterell (76) has been let off without a caution for "pestering" young innocent Penny Treglown (21). The couple are pictured here together last month at the Mecca Bingo in Penzance, when Dougie called her up for the twentieth time for a special prize.

Penny complained, "the dirty old bugger was jes lookin' down my cleavage". The magistrate, Mr Tommy Botterell (no relation) said, "No one can blame my cousin for wanting to have a look. Have you seen the size of them? She ought to carry a health warning!"




Prospidnick Stage Hypnotist Jacko Clemo (52) has been in the news recently for all the wrong reasons. He originally achieved fame by hypnotising rabbits and getting them to recite medieval poetry and perform other un-rabbit-like acts. He is believed to have achieved the peak of his career some years back, when he hypnotised some grass snakes into thinking they were birds and actually got them to fly!

Now, alas, how the mighty have fallen! He was arrested last week for preying upon the residents of the Gwithian Home for Retired Gentlewomen, having hypnotised them (none of them are younger than 97) into believing that they were the 25 year old inhabitants of a house of ill repute and that he was the sole gentleman they had to entertain.

Gay Cornwall was over the moon at the celebrity marriage in Camborne of Mebyon Kernow Gay Rights Campaigner, Aloysius Landshark (45), "with all the gay gear" on the left, to his chosen partner Ben Dover (28), an unemployed brick-layer from Falmouth.

The happy couple were said to be overjoyed that so many representatives of the Devon & Cornwall Police (Gay division) had turned out to be supportive and perform their synchronised baton-waving routine.

The happy couple will honeymoon at Long Rock for 7 weeks and will then be moving into a caravan near Sennen to begin married life together, with their budgie, "Harold", who is not gay.