PASTY DECLARED WORLD HERITAGE FOOD!!

Yann Vari Quigeur (45) is the President of the new UN Commission on Global Gastronomic Culture, which is based in Tregunc, Breizh (Brittany).

Today he has announced that the first food to be declared deserving of World Food Heritage Status is the Cornish Pasty.

The decision was quickly reached after a panel of judges - convened by the President and drawn from the length and breadth of Cornwall and Brittany - sampled  a variety of signature dishes from around the globe.

Given the stiff competition for the prize of being chosen for this signal honour, reaction to this news has been, predictably, varied.

Mr Madron Tregonning (39) of the Relubbus Food Institute has welcomed the news, but said that it came as absolutely no surprise to him that the pasty has come out on top.

As he says, "That Jenny Mary might avva bittova girly nayem, but ee an' is boys 'ave done sum proper job 'ere. I kintellee - people are celebratin' from up St Just way pas' Truru right up tu thu border!"


Meanwhile, the 400-strong Chinese delegation was apoplectic with suffused anger.

Their leader, Mr Lapsang Souchong, declared indignantly, "What mean he, sirry man? Chinee cook tip top and velly qwick too!

"We offer squashed duck foot in 2000 year old monkey brain sauce wiv Shanghai flied lice and we get no look-in!  Issa stitch up!!"

The French delegation, led by Gustave Rambert, departed swiftly, without public word, in a thick cloud of haughty disdain.

In passing, Rambert (shown here in a library photo from happier days) sniffed indignantly, "Ze 'ole worl' know zat ze French cuisine is ze best on ze planet.  Zese Breton cochons, zey 'ave insulté la France viz zis negation of our cuisine.  I am not EPPY!"

Michael Fish, a weatherman from a different age  - said, "I just don't get it. Here I am in 1976 when getting the weather right tomorrow is hard enough.  Now someone is asking me about the fairness of the outcome of a contest of international cuisine in 2010.

"I've heard of long term forecasts, but this is ridiculous.  I'm a meat and two veg man meself!"

The only encouraging words came from the German delegation, Heinz and Magda Pupshose,a young happily-married couple from Furzheim.

Magda said, "Ve know zat we eppsolutely  no chance had, as ve our Wurst presented.  Vun can even say, zat Chermany not a sausage had! Ve too like Kornvall and ze vunderful pasty!"

The Roundup has decided to celebrate this achievement of the pasty by commissioning a special poem on the subject by the renowned and much loved and celebrated Cornish poet, Mr O.P. Opie (29). 


Mr Opie obligingly produced this paean to the pasty from the top of his head (after first removing his cap):


The Pasty

I duh dearly luv a pasty, when the weather's wet and cold,
When the wind is up and angry, jes' like them days of old,
You come back 'ome, yer ears are red, yer trousers bleddy wet
Tha's when a good 'ot pasty is the best thing you can get!

Tha's not tuh say 'ot weather dudden suit a pasty too
I's jes' as good tuh munch'n down onna beach under sky so blue
Youkun 'ear they seagulls callin', youkun ear'n flyin' roun'
But you'll be finishin' that pasty - no point their touchin' down!

Wassa bess, then Cappen? Shop-bought or 'ome-made?
Well, if you gotta assk the question, you ent never seen a table laid -
With maither's 'ome-made pasties - they are glories on a plate!
Delight to see, delight to eat - the bess you ever ate!

If you git up to 'eaven and croust time come aroun'
There'll be sum proper manna when they 'and the pasties down.
They'll be smellin' lovely and crimped by proper Cornish angels too
They're sum full of Cornish goodness and a proper job fer you!!

AN "ODEUR" IN SANCREED!!

A tingling frisson of excitement has been coursing through the culinary world as word has slipped out that the famed Sancreed-born chef, Archilaus “Odeur” Trudgeon (36) has opened a new venue called simply “Forest Shack” in which to present his latest novel creations.

Pictured here in his old kitchens at Camborne Bus Station where he is rustling up one of his signature innovative creations “Ffarm Ppancakes”, Archilaus has never failed to impress with his ‘out of nowhere’ originality.

A kitchen king utterly devoted to the use of the wholly ‘natural’ in his cooking, he has always strenuously denied simply collecting cow pancakes from farm fields. This is a cheap charge laid at his door by bitter, twisted and jealous competitors of the likes of Oliver, Carlucci, Stein and Smith.

Fiercely proud of his use of what he fondly describes as ‘Nanature’s nunutricious babounty”, which he collects himself, this sensitive culinary craftsman has insisted on always making his own transformative additions to what he sees as the magical gifts of nature.

His ‘Ffarm Ppancakes’, or ‘FfPps’, as they have come to be known by devoted Trudgeon acolytes, who even seek to emulate his pronounciation, have been variously described as chocolatey, gingery, earthy, strong, punchy, chewy and grassy.

However, all devotees agree that it is delicious and well worth the - to a humble Roundup journalist - frankly surprisingly high prices.

Pancake à la Guernsey costs £73, while Pancake à la British White costs £125. Given the cover charge of £20, the service charge of the greater of 10% or £90, the compulsory corkage charge of £25 (whether one drinks or not), it is easy to see that popping in for a Trudgeon Ppancake can be a very expensive exercise.

Trudgeon dining is therefore a matter for the Relubbus elite, amongst whom table places are auctioned, so great is the demand. The rich and famous are now competing to obtain bookings at the exciting new venue.

‘Forest Shack’ is situated in the back garden of Trudgeon’s Sancreed home, not far from his compost heap. Relying, as it does, solely on natural light and ventilation, the new restaurant is the antithesis of the usual haunts of the rich and famous. Typically, Trudgeon has successfully striven, not simply for understatement, but for what he excitedly terms ‘anti-stastatement’.

Diners’ seating is a packing case and the ‘tables’, though now all spotlessly clean, have all seen service before as various parts of farm carts.

The recorded music of Percy Botheras (pictured left), the virtuoso triangle player, rings out from Trudgeon’s wind-up cassette player to help give the ‘Forest Shack’ its unmistakeable Trudgeon ambience.

However, the focus of excitement is rightly on the food. Whilst all the old favourites naturally remain on offer, impatient eyes devour the tantalising names and descriptions of all the new dishes.

Trudgeon will not permit disclosure of the details of any of the new creations – that is a pleasure reserved for paying guests. Further, he vehemently denies that the piles of KFC packing and Sainsbury’s Basic egg boxes at the back of the shack are anything to do with him.

However, some of the delighted diners did admit that they had started their meals with something that looked like a boiled egg, but which tasted excitingly different and every bit worth the £37.50 charged for the starter. Furthermore, the chicken dish – served with some sort of Bovril-flavoured ice cream and priced at £310 per portion – was described as “heavenly”.

The ‘Forest Shack’ has just three tables for four. It is already fully booked until Christmas 2011 with the usual auctions to get the prized bookings in the early months. So, if you start saving now, you too could be dining à la Trudgeon in 2012!!

RELUBBUS LATEST NEWS IN BRIEF

Prospidnick man gives birth to Octuplets!!

By our medical correspondent, Ivor Kneebone

The recent news of an Oregon man being five months pregnant has been totally eclipsed by the shock news of a Prospidnick man giving birth to 8 children - thirty years ago!
Pictured on the left with their 8 - now grown-up - children are, seated, Jeremy, 62, (on the left) and Daniel, 71, Ladner. Jeremy employs all his 7 sons in his undertaking business, whilst his husband, Daniel, and their daughter, William, rear budgerigars (free range, of course!) for consumption in Jamie Oliver's restaurants.

Since "things were difficult fer people like we in them days", Daniel dressed as a woman throughout their whole marriage - and still does.

Jeremy puts down their unique success in bringing octuplets to the world in a same sex relationship to the peculiar strength of some home-grown fertility drugs, which he developed in the mortuary.

Their children have adapted well to the shock news - as tallest son, Nathaniel said, "I allus thought 't was funny maither was called Daniel, now we all duh knaw why."

Top Eating House opens in Boswedden Lane

by our cullinary correspondent, Morwenna Dollop

Fine dining has always been possible in Boswedden Lane, with celebrity chefs competing with one another to secure catering space in this top address. Now, in a desperate attempt to plug a gap in their outreach to the dining cognoscenti of Relubbus (the likes of W G Trevaskis and R C Oates) the Savoy has spent tens of millions to acquire a prime site in Boswedden Lane and, thereby, to complete their palette of offerings to the rich and famous, by plugging this very obvious gap in Relubbus.

The Savoy's new premises are pictured on the left and will be familiar to all as Mrs Polkinghorne's Pasty Shop (left door) and (right door) Lefty Bennet's Speakeasy and Old-time Pissoire.

Accordingly, one location, famous for the production of high quality pasties, and an adjacent location, famous for both the consumption and expulsion of intoxicating liquids, have merged to become the location of high price consumption of the finest foods.

Courtroom Dramas in Relubbus

by legal Correspondent, Barry Stir

Relubbus Divorce Court was the scene of high tension and of passionate outbursts as the celebrity couple, Dickie Trembath (31), and his wife, Lisbet (29) fought over a financial settlement to mark an end to their ill-starred union. Dickie, a much feted conductor, who learnt his craft with Western National Bus Company, before joining the prestigious Relubbus Philharmonic Orchestra, has become rich working on the international music scene, where he immediately achieved notoriety by using his trade-mark ticket machine instead of the customary baton.
Lisbet started her glittering career as a dental nurse, before she became a gossip columnist, initially feeding the public with gems of information picked up in surgery. She has been a controversial journalist, who, more than once, has been accused of making up the news - most famously when she claimed a scoop involving the English Heritage/Scottish Prime Minister Gordon Brown (117) and champion Russian tractor driver Ludmilla Hamsterovna (84).

Almost as an illustration of how pathetically mundane the "apparent" causes of marital breakdown can be, Lisbet accused her husband of excessive snoring and farting - to the extent that she claimed that it was necessary for her to wear breathing apparatus at night.

For his part, Dickie was having none of it. Nervously winding his ticket machine - always fully loaded and never far from him - he delivered his counter-accusations in his familiar tremulous falsetto stutter, "That bleddy bitch been 'avin' an affair wi' that weirdo 'Landshark' and 'is doggin pals up Madron Carn".

Justice Tregarthen-Bolitho, the child prodigy judge, who is only aged 12 and always attends court in the company of his mother, played seemingly absent-mindedly with his trainset while accusation and counter-accusation flew around the courtroom. Then at 2.30 pm, when one of his favourite TV programmes was about to start, he cooly adjusted his wig and suspended proceedings until the next day.

Lisbet was afterwards seen by this writer heading off towards Madron Carn in the company of various gentlemen of doubtless dubious reputation, whilst her husband pursued her in the back of a chauffeur-driven Ford Anglia with darkened windows, whilst the sound of a manically turned ticket machine slowly faded into the distance.