RELUBBUS ROUNDUP APRIL CLASSIFIEDS

BARGAIN CORNER (call Relubbus 56324 and the box number!)

Arabic Scrabble game - almost complete.  Yours for a fiver. (Box 6)

Second hand genital piercing jewellery available.  Job lot £78.  Washed in hot water and good as new. (Box7)

Grandpa's hearing aids - all twelve of them - only £50 (Box 8)

Beautiful-looking Upright Piano - a real bargain at £5 - no strings attached. (Box 9)

Ford Anglia wing mirror, glass slightly broken so reduced price of £24.99 (Box 10)

Child's blue plastic sandal for left foot -size 5.  Strap in perfect condition and fully functional.  Suggest use for child who likes to hop.  Only £18 (Box11)

Sat Nav, which operates in Cornish voice with strong St Just accent only.  Only covers Cornwall, but dead hot on all the B roads.  £757 (Box12)

Empty cardboard box with generous size of 2ft by 2 ft.  No limit to what you can put in it, provided you do not exceed the overall size stated .  Stuffed with £20 notes it would be very valuable indeed, but you can have it for just £50.  Comes complete with full operating instructions!! (Box 12)

Goods and services

We will high-pressure clean your drive or path!  Also we will undertake enemas and colonic irrigation!  You supply the power and the water and we will do the rest to our best!  Call Madron and Billy Dodekahedron on Gulval 568321.

It's double dread time!  Both the UK political season and the hay fever season!  How will you cope??!! Don't worry! Turn to Monty Batt of Newbridge!  His hay fever remedies (available at just £37 a course!!) are known and respected as far away as Marazion.  

Now he has altered the formula to deal with other aggravating ailments, such as irritation about immigration in general or something as specific as anger about the prolific ubiquity of Polish plumbers!  One pill can take care of the hay fever AND Polish plumber syndrome!!   All this for just £5 extra!  Don't delay.  Call Monty on Newbridge 542912!

Never say "Ere speakup, I kentearee!" again!  You can buy your own Ennis Ear Trumpet!  Ennis ear trumpets have been used by the best all over the world, including Lenny the Lion, Mr Pastry, recent Prime Minister Anthony Eden and South African tearaway, Nelson Mandela.  Now you can own an Ennis Ear Trumpet for just £15,675.  Ennis of Ludgvan on 561265.

Lovely Ladies' Lingerie in Lime-Green Leatherette handcrafted to fit you perfectly by Heamoor's Mr Plastic, Dougie Pender.  Heamoor 457291.  "I promise - you will never feel the same again!!"
Calling all Gardeners!  Your plants will respond to the elixir of life -- Farmyard manure!!!  Show off in front of your neighbours - let them see what you've got!.  I will drop off a tractorload of the best and freshest farmyard manure in your front garden for just £95 a go.  Be the envy of your neighbours with a your own manure heap.  Call Jimmy Trevains on Bosavern 543621.

Skilled Cabinet maker available to undertake commissions of all sorts in the wood of your choice.  I am also happy to undertake breast enhancements and reductions. 'Phone Len Behenna on Newlyn 92741.

Japanese electric teeth whiteners.  Simply attach wire from mains to teeth and switch on and Hey Presto White Teeth!  Buy with confidence from Long Rock Import/Export company (No convictions).  Long Rock 674562.

Defrocked, but kindly, priest sells cut-price indulgences with free 5 minute confession session.  Anything forgiven for the right price (from £300 upwards).  Sorry, no credit.  Guarantee given that information gained will NOT be used in blackmail.  'Phone Father Opie on Hayle 83421.

Ladies!  Keen foot fetishist will wash your feet for free! 'Phone  Pierre Le Pied on Heamoor 56739.

Teeth missing? No problem, but a great opportunity!  Get fitted with new teeth made from Cornish tin handcrafted for you by ex-train driver and all-round handyman Dicky Polkinghorne.  Don't hesitate - it's only £.3.99 per tooth, so call Dicky drekkly on Madron 659234.