ANNOUNCEMENT
Following refurbishment of the Pope’s Vatican apartments, his old toilet and seat (with Papal insignia) are available for sale to the public by auction at Polkinghorne’s in Boswedden Lane.
The sale will include 13 and a half rolls of UNUSED papal toilet paper. Reserve price of £7,500 will apply.
Classifieds
Breeder of 'elephant' giant dormice offers top quality manure from ‘his little boys’. Delivered by the ton. St Buryan 456723
14,500 remaindered copies of “Knocking on doors” by Hazel Blears. £5 for job lot. Wakfer’s of Newbridge 349123
Jacqui Smith’s husband’s entire DVD film collection bundled together for just £25 (NOT FOR SALE TO MINORS!!) –includes the Peruvian classic “And afterwards, you can even eat the guinea pig!!” Wakfer’s of Newbridge 349123
Entire hardback print run of Gordon Brown’s “Loosen up and live a little” – all 10,000 signed by the author – available for just £3.75 the lot. Wakfer’s of New Bridge 349123
Genuine Cornish ‘Landshark’ motor car to be made available for private sale.
Features include lino floor and driver’s seat in black plastique, windable driver’s window provides air conditioning; rear seat toilet bucket with handle for easy removal ; stool for front passenger with ‘hold-on’ straps for added security; ‘Lid’ cover for boot with completely new piece of string to secure your transportables. Features the classic one stroke engine permitting speeds in excess of 13 mph!!! A true collector’s item and appropriately priced at £44,535. Morvah 567 892
Complete set of left-handed paint brushes 0nly £75 – would suit ginger-haired homosexual living in Tregeseal or, possibly, Newbridge. Paul 678 432
22 year old unpleasant rude little tart with weight control problem, now working at the Morvah pet shop, but can’t wait to get away from the owner, Mr Pubes. Desperate for new career path in either old people care or prostitution. Heamoor 982 345
Vintage (1950s) pram for sale at just £700. Has been completely refurbished and updated for security. Razor blades embedded all around the edges to discourage baby-snatchers. Electrified handles, so rubber gloves (extra at £16.50) are essential. Gurnards Head 456 795
Ladies' Bodice (size 34) in pink and black leatherette. Never been washed and with bitemarks skilfully concealed by invisible mending. Casual stains are a work of unconscious art. Ludgvan 563923
ANNOUNCEMENT AND CLASSIFIEDS
EUROVISION 2009 QUIZ
You all know who is singing for your own country, but can you guess which countries the following artistes will be representing in Moscow in May? If you get the answers right, you could win a fabulous set of prizes**!!!
Here are the artistes, but which countries do they represent?
Silvia Burlesque-Only is 32 years old, but has only been a woman for the last 12 of those years. She breeds three-legged ferrets as a hobby and is a mistress (formerly, master) of the art of the cigarette roll-up, which is one of the factors that have given rise to her ‘throatily sexy’ voice.
She is particularly proud of her fine thatch of hair, as she went prematurely bald as a man and was obliged to wear a handkerchief to cover this up, prior to the sex-change which caused her capillary explosion.
Her interests are men and ice-cream in that order.
She has a blown-up nude picture of Tony Blair hanging on her bathroom wall. The song she will sing is “Just one cornetto!”
Alphonse Narcose Tea-Cosy is 39 and speaks only French – but which country does he represent?
Some helpful clues are that he dismembers budgies for fun, has an overpowering and disturbing body odour, changes his underwear only once a month (with the aid of a blow torch) and has never owned a toothbrush .
Also, he has never been arrested for murder, but has been detained by police for many other minor transgressions. He has received therapy since 1973 and this has led to the training of his unusual voice, which has been likened to the sound of a chicken being strangled. The song he will be singing is “I picked my nose for you alone!”
“Heinzi” Arschi-Lochi is a 28 year old ‘rainbow person’, who believes that the Eurovision Song 
Contest 2009 will put him and his country on the map.
Heinzi comes from a family with a long tradition of producing Wurst AND Cuckoo clocks. Like many in his country he went to work in a bank, before the ‘profession’ acquired a reputation considerably below that of child-murderer. He then went to work in a care home, where he learnt yodelling from a 92-year-old inmate called Stefan, with whom he formed a very close, indeed intimate, bond.
Heinzi will be yodelling his entry “I’ll shove that rose up your rozzer, if you shove this tulip up mine!”
This last entry in this week’s quiz is a very tricky one indeed. Here are the clues: the singer 
(now somewhat deceased, but still in good voice) does not usually sing in a European language and likes to be called ‘the Chairman’.
The Chairman is coy about giving his age or any other personal information, although it is believed that his daytime job is in a restaurant or, possibly, in a laundry. He has been chosen to sing for a country, which is next to a mountainous land and which has a coastline with only a limited sewerage problem.
Accompanying himself on a banjo, the Chairman will be singing a song called “Little Red Book” to the tune of the old Tommy Steele favourite “Little White Bull”.
If you think you know all the answers, just send in to the Roundup your list of correct answers -- with the fee of €100 -- and you will be entered in a draw which could win you the magnificent life-changing sum of Kernewek Angels 5 billion!!!!
Not only this, but you would win the right to a lifetime’s FREE supply of vegetables and toilet rolls from the RC Oates Superstore in Relubbus – together with a FREE Trevaskis Landshark motor car handcrafted for you in Cornwall!!
Entries please – together with entry fee of €100 (in used notes) to:
Sylvanus Penhaul Esq
The Editor
Relubbus Roundup
c/o The Swordfish Inn
Newlyn
Penzance
Cornwall
EUROVISION 2009 - YOUR COUNTRY NEEDS YOU!
As the winter winds lose their bite and the days grow longer, the snowdrops give way to daffodils and gradually thoughts turn to spring and to ... Eurovision.
The Roundup proudly presents a review of the main contestants for this prestigious European prize and reveals that the customary vote-rigging is well under way and is so far advanced that the eventual winner can already be announced.
But first things first – the contestants. We review the principal contenders for the title in this year’s unique contest, in which everyone has to sing their own lyrics to the same tune – “Goin' up Camborne ‘Ill" - played by the Marazion massed triangle band. Each contestant is shown with the lyrics he/she has chosen.
BELGIUM
Heartthrob Alternative Health Practitioner, Philippe Knabberknackers (24) ‘walked’ the selection process in Belgium.
Despite not even bothering to turn up for the contest, as he had had a few bevvies too many the night before, Philippe won ten of the thirteen votes cast to ‘walk away’ with the Belgian nomination.
As can be seen from the photo, he has now thrown all his energies into coming up with a winning interpretation of his song.
His fan base extends beyond Belgium, because of his appearance in ‘special interest films’ and he appears to have a solid supporter base in the Baltic States and in other former republics of the former USSR.
Lyrics: Who kicked the budgie into my soup?
LATVIA
Dace (formerly Valdis) Vanags (18) was a man for the first forty-three of her years. After 
several operations at the Riga Veterinary Hospital, she emerged as a mouth-wateringly beautiful 18 year old girl with – still – an amazing bass voice!
In her former existence as Valdis, she was an experienced and highly capable stevedore. Now she has emerged as a beauty therapist, who is able to serenade her female clients in a rich deep bass voice that seems beguilingly out of character with the lissome female creature one sees before one.
Lyrics: Old Man River, Dat old man River
FRANCE
Mademoiselle Frou-Frou Lebecque (formerly Mimi Letoucque) (23) received a vote of 83 million (out of a population of 61.5 million) to steal the French nomination, despite there being no other contestants.
Frou-frou is wildly popular with the whole of the French public – apart from Carla Bruni, the new wife of French President Nicholas Teacosy.
Bruni is aid to have been very upset to have found a full length picture of Frou Frou in President Teacosy’s shower room.
Lyrics: Camptown Races
ISRAEL AND NEW ZEALAND
Although being a fair distance by aeroplane from Europe, Israel has traditionally been allowed to take part in Eurovision for many reasons, which are, of course, obvious to anyone from Tel Aviv.
Shlomo ben David (29) has been selected from 20,000 contestants to represent the Israeli republic.
Shlomo is a New Zealander, but, as he converted to Judaism last month and received an Israeli passport last week, he is now able to represent both countries, as he announces with his customary wayward smile.
Lyrics: Don’t Dilly Dally (My Old man said "Follow the Van")
ITALY
The Cheeky Girls, Bella Ragazza and her cousin, Pasta Verde, are both 17 and delighted to represent their country.
As Bella gushingly and fluently declared, “Issa wonderful, Ciao, Grazie, Prego! I luvva you!”
Both girls attend the Italia Disconti Stage school, where they spend 2 hours a day learning to speak English “Likeaa they do inna Eastenders, allrighta maita!”, said Pasta showing off.
They also focus a great deal on song, dance and theatre skills. Amazingly, the girls will be singing their song whilst performing an “Inverted Irish Dance” - i.e. on their hands!
Lyrics: There’s an Old Mill By the Stream
SWEDEN
The schoolgirl troupe selected by the Swedes (called "They Swedish maids") is tipped as a hot favourite to win the contest. 
They are believed to have secured financial backing from two well known Cornish business magnates – the fabulously rich Messrs Trevaskis and Oates – which has enabled them to buy their eye-catchingly snazzy costumes, the skirts of which they rip off midway through the song in Mexican wave style.
In return for the generous backing (believed to be in excess of £7.50 each!), the girls have, of course, signed over all profits they may ever make in their lives and have committed to appear every night for the next ten years at the Relubbus Hippodrome.
Lyrics: Hitler, 'e only 'ad one ball!!
HAYLE
The People’s Soviet Socialist Republic of Hayle is represented by three young folk, who work at the experimental Hayle Nuclear Power Station – they are from left to right Norris, Doris and Boris and sing together under the name “Endebee”.
The trio, all 19 years old, have caused some controversy by inserting words which sound like “embargo Spargo!” into their song.
This has given rise to renewed frictions in the already frayed diplomatic relations between Relubbus, led by 108-year-old Council Chairman Spargo, and the People’s Republic of Hayle, led by failed comb-over victim and mad dictator Ventongimps (49).
Lyrics: Kiss me goodnight, Sergeant-Major
RELUBBUS
The runaway absolute favourite for the contest is the 16-year-old, 16 stone singing prodigy from 
Prospidnick, known to his Mum as ‘git plum boy’ and known to his huge Relubbus fan base as ‘Gunna Singunaree’.
His off-stage name is Leonard Landshark and young Landshark has, despite his young years, already twice topped the Relubbus charts with his versions of “Do ye ken John Peel” and “My Boy Willie”, both of which sold over ten copies in only 12 weeks.
Young Landshark has huge stage presence (and a huge frame) and seems to exert a magnetic pull over his audiences, even when they number more than 14.
Landshark’s voice is breaking and it may just be the sheer unpredictability of his sound that is the secret of his success. Bookies have stopped taking bets on Landshark, because he is now commonly regarded as a sure-fire winner.
Experts feel that his highly-rated chances might be related to the fact that, alone amongst the contestants, his lyrics do fit the music.
Lyrics: Goin’ up Camborne ‘Ill
The Roundup will be following the further development of this story for the benefit of the thousands of our readers around the world who 'live for Eurovision'.
CARS FOR THE 21ST CENTURY
The Roundup has visited the premises of Karnyorth Kernewek KKemmyn Motors to view the prestige car models for the coming year. As usual, the gleaming new motors will be available only to people in Relubbus up until March, then released to others in Kernow, before being released from June onwards to the benighted souls who inhabit other shores, including those of Pow Saws.
Our Motoring Correspondent, Doug (“Dopey”) Opie, has received the usual invitation to the spacious premises of the Karnyorth Kernewek KKemmyn Motors (Quadruple K/M) to have a preview of the car models set to become a must-have accessory for the Relubbus multi-millionnaire.
Along with the other four hundred members of the Relubbus motoring press pack, Dopey was treated to a slap-up saffron bun and tea welcome before the viewing of the cars took place.
When this was over, they moved on to view the ‘pride of the pack’ of this year’s cars, the Karnyorth EkoKar, pictured left, with an admiring Dopey alongside.
Despite its costly eco-friendly attributes, this Kar retails at a mere £37,000. It is a “one-seater” and is powered by whoever sits in it, since it has NO ENGINE at all. It therefore consumes no fuel and emits no toxins or particulates whatsoever – APART from whatever the driver might personally emit by means of flatulence.
It has no windscreen, no wipers, no water use at all. However, it does have natural ‘air cooling’. It is made entirely of light UNPAINTED wood. The seat is an unadorned wooden board, which has been expertly planed to ensure that there are no splinters. Accordingly – in view of all these attributes – it can be justly claimed that this Kar leads the way in terms of reduced environmental impact and luxurious comfort. The pedal propulsion (i.e. by foot – with NO mechanics at all – think Flintstone) permits speeds of 2 – 3 miles per hour along flat roads and attainment of dizzying speeds down Paul Hill, although this route should be avoided as there are neither brakes nor steering wheel. Interested environmentalist parties are advised to get in quick as demand is expected to be high.
The next motor is a ‘hot’ machine. Again, it is a one-seater, but it is built unashamedly to attain 
the highest speeds for the driver and, as the designer, Landshark Treglown says, “Bugger the environment!” This sleek dream-machine is called the “Loveday” and will be available at an on-the-road price of £152,000. Capable of 0-60 in just 3 hours, the Loveday (which has to be followed by a tanker to keep its fuel topped up) is expected to be popular with the rich young singles of Relubbus, who want to make a ‘style statement’.
Regarded as the coolest motor to be brought to market since the ‘Trevaskis Landshark”, the Loveday will be the car to be seen in down fashionable Boswedden Lane.
The next new vehicle is in a completely different category – the people carrier. Called the 
“Charabanc”, it is capable of transporting 36 people all at once – apart from the driver, who alone is seated. Some might claim that safety has been compromised in this design, but the designers are happy to re-assure that the entire interior has been cushioned with thick layers of expensive asbestos so as to prevent injury when emergency stops have to be made, as well as to protect passengers in the event of unforeseen hazards arising from the unusual use of acetylene as a fuel. The Charabanc is a necessary utilitarian workhorse people-carrier and retails at a mere £25,000.
One of the biggest stirs has been caused by “The Denzil”, which heralds the advent of an 
entirely new vehicular concept –the under water vehicle. Extensively ‘road-tested’ in Mounts Bay, it is a vehicle targeted at those who wish to cross between the mainland and islands such as the Scillies or, even St Michael’s Mount at high tide. It is very heavily weighted and, once one has driven out into the water, there is no chance of floating to the surface.
There is still some fine-tuning to be done as far as facilitation of breathing under water goes and there is also some urgent last minute thinking to be done on underwater propulsion, since the ‘road-tests’ were achieved by a tow-rope attached to a fishing boat. However, these little ‘issues’ have not dissuaded some 5,700 young Relubbus men-about-town from putting in advance orders for the vehicles, which will retail at £140,000.
The ‘Bowjey Ball’ is the name of the economy-priced family car, which will sell for as little as 
£31. It is equipped with a lawn mower motor and comes with two seats, one of which can be removed if more passengers are to be squeezed in. In tests, the Bowjey was found to be able to accommodate one driver plus one adult and two medium-sized teenagers at a very tight squeeze and with the doors shut with outside assistance. Despite the manifest intention to avoid cost in this family car, there has been some concession towards the modern fascination with in-car gadgetry, since the driver’s door has a hole, into which a pen or toothbrush might be inserted.
The last car is the ‘Tremethick’, which is a blatant call to the young, red-blooded and loaded 
playboy. This Italian-styled car comes complete with every luxury and accessory you can possibly think of – including a free blonde called Tracey. The car has a transistor radio in the back and the front both to create a stereo effect and to permit passengers in front and back to listen to different Cornish Radio stations. The back seat can be converted into a bed and also into a Jacuzzi. Furthermore, using the luggage space as well, the back can be converted into a tennis court or football pitch. At the front there are also three cupholders. We could continue to sing the praises of this wonderful car, but – priced as it is at £1,500,000 - it likely to be beyond the reach of most people in Relubbus.
In our last motoring article we had a competition, which had the new Bowjey Ball as it’s prize.
We are pleased to show a picture of the winners. Pictured are Joycie Tresidder (27) and her two brothers – Bert (29) on the left and ‘Poop’ (19) on the right.
The Tresidders, who all speak with fake American accents although they have spent their entire lives in St Buryan, are overjoyed at their win! Said Joycie, "I am overjoyed, I am!"
KGB TARGETS SPARGO
The Roundup has incontrovertible evidence that the Russian secret service, the Federalnaya Sluzhba Bezopasnosti (FSB) -- which in the Soviet era was known as the KGB -- has targeted Councillor Billy Spargo (93), the leader of the Greater Relubbus Urban District Council (GRUC).
Last week, the infamous Andrei Lugovoi (17, shown left), whom the Crown Prosecution Service believes to be responsible for the murder of the ex-KGB agent Alexander Litvinenko in London in November 2006, was spotted in the Post Office of the People's Republic of Hayle, applying for a visa to enter Greater Relubbus.
The Roundup's undercover reporters in the People's Republic tell us that Lugovoi also hired a top-of-the-range Landshark limousine, with a steel-reinforced chassis and bullet-proof windows, with which to make the journey to Relubbus.
This week, Mr Spargo (23) complained of feeling "unwell", a day after he had been "jostled" in Boswedden Lane by a man carrying an umbrella, the tip of which (he said) had grazed his thigh. Rushed by ambulance to Prospidnick's King Doniert Hospital, Mr Spargo was found to be suffering from a form of radiation sickness induced by the ingestion of a radioactive substance, namely polonium 210. The latter is the same substance allegedly used by Mr Lugovoi to poison Mr Litvinenko.
It is hardly surprising, following his recent outspoken attack on the Russian Prime Minister, Vladimir Putin (left), that the FSB should target Councillor Spargo in this way.
However, the day after being rushed to hospital Mr Spargo appeared to have made a full recovery and declared himself to be "right as rain". In a statement to reporters, he declared:
"I bin born 'n brought up in Cornwall, so no bleddy radiation is gonna see me off. I duh live in a granite 'ouse in a granite land an' I bin breathin' in radon gas all me life. I'm bleddy immune tuh radiation!"
He went on to threaten retaliation against the Russians, and against Mr Putin in particular, who he said was "behind all this". He said that he would be dispatching units of the Relubbus Secret Police, the dreaded Kreslu Kevrinek Kernewek, to Moscow. Their mission, he said, would be to "shove a capsule of radon gas up Putin's arse! Le's see 'ow 'ee likes 'un!"
LUXURY CAR SERVICE CENTRE FOR HAYLE
ADVERTISEMENT FEATURE
by motoring correspondent Denzil Flatt
R.C. Oates Automotive Industries today proudly announced the opening of their NEW LUXURY CAR SERVICE CENTRE in Hayle. The centre is designed to deal exclusively with Aston Martins, Lamborghinis, Porches, and Landsharks -- owners of other makes need not apply. Each service, performed entirely by hand with loving care, is expected to take approximately 9 months, followed by a "running in period" of 29 weeks. Not surprisingly, there is already a waiting list of 2 years.
R.C.O.A.I., owned by Relubbus multi-billionaire R.C. Oates, has long sought to expand its business interests into the People's Republic of Hayle, which it sees as one of the planet's fastest-developing economies.
In recent months, R.C.O.A.I has lost ground to its arch-rival Trevaskis Motors, which has enjoyed spectacular successes with its Landshark series of luxury cars. It is widely acknowledged that Trevaskis Motors' success has been due in no small measure to its possession of a state-of-the-art fabrication and servicing plant in the garages behind Penponds Close, at Alverton, Penzance. R.C.O.A.I.'s acquisition of the Hayle site is seen as an attempt to catch up -- though whether it will build cars at Hayle remains to be seen.
ALL THIS WEEK AT THE RELUBBUS MULTIPLEX
THE LATEST BLOCKBUSTER!
MARY POPPINS
starring JULIE ANDREWS and DICK VAN DYKE
1:30 p.m, 4:30 p.m., 7:30 p.m.
GAY NEWS: THE "PINK LANDSHARK"
The Roundup is proud to be able to present the first sneak photograph of Belgian auto designer Willy Bender's design concept car for the gay market, which has been named the Pink Landshark in honour of the famed leading champion of Gay Rights in Cornwall, the otherwise shy and retiring Landshark.
Known to the cognoscenti as an incorrigible habitué of the Goldsithney gay bar scene, the Landshark is an outspoken and indefatigable defender of gay rights. Accordingly, many Goldsithney gays applaud the fact that his dedication to the gay scene has been recognised and honoured by the naming this car after him.
Some have wondered why this fearless protagonist and celebrant of same sex relationships has adopted the unusual name "Landshark". It is indeed a name resonant with meaning. The online dictionary defines as a "landshark" one who swindles sailors on shore. But all the many sailors who are familiar with the "Landshark" have assured that he always reliably gives good value.
No, his name has another provenance. Laughing in the face of prejudice, which sees homosexuality as a "deviation" from the norm, the Landshark wears his name with unabashed, and indeed gay, pride, since for him the "deviation" is as great as it could be and he wishes to trumpet that fact, for when did anyone ever see a shark living on land?
Even in today's world, there are still benighted individuals -- as darkly dim and as rabidly anti-homosexual as the absurdly named, but thankfully late, L. Ron Hubbard -- who would deny gay people equal rights. It is a little known fact that the "L" in L. Ron Hubbard in fact signifies "Landshark" (and not "Lafayette" as some foolish folk believe) -- a little jest on Mother Hubbard's part, perhaps. The Cornish Landshark takes Hubbard's name and turns it against him in his triumphantly gay lifestyle, spiced up with recreational drugs.
All this has now won him the accolade of a Bender car designed in his honour.
Mr Bender's car incorporates many novel design features -- we name but a few:
- The bodywork is fashioned from stretched bubble gum, making the car exceedingly light.
- The vehicle has no standard brakes -- it is operated by pedals, which propel the car forwards. Reverse pedalling swiftly brings the car to a halt.
- All seats have pedals below them so that maximum speeds (38 mph?) can be reached when the car is full and there are five pedallers.
- The absence of engine makes this pink machine in reality also a green machine.
TREVASKIS LANDSHARK MARK II
Available in May! Win one here!
The renowned Cornish automotive engineering firm of Trevaskis, which is now operating out of a secret location in one of the garages (we're not saying which one!) behind Penponds Close in Alverton, Penzance, has teamed up with world famous Liechtenstein auto designer, Rudi Stümpfli, to produce the long-awaited Trevaskis Landshark Mark II.
Roundup Readers besieged us when we recently had an offer on for the world-beating Trevaskis Landshark. It is therefore a matter of pride and joy that we can offer ONE of these much sought after Trevaskis Landshark Mark II mean machines to the winner of a draw. To be eligible for the draw, you must answer the questions below correctly.
As these are hand-crafted machines, it is not likely that many more than 10 will ever be built. Eager readers hoping to get their hands on a Landshark are advised to get in quick!
The prototype featured in the picture above, taken in the Kwop car park in Vaduz, Liechtenstein, has technical specifications that will make the competition weep.
For instance, air conditioning is achieved by cunningly placed gaps in the car's body. At speeds in excess of 180 mph, air flows in and is run past ice cubes (to be placed in the car on hot days), which cool the air down to a deliciously refreshing froideur, which you can enjoy whilst other motorists are roasting. For particularly hot days, the main air intake (on the bonnet) will hold one bucket of ice. The doors take one half bucket of ice each and, if you want to keep your shopping cool in hot weather, you can tip a few buckets of ice into the capacious boot, which is big enough to hold one full shopping bag in addition to the ice. However, it is not just the ice which makes this a cool machine!
The car is fully automatic, having just the one gear. Tested going down Chywoone hill in Newlyn, it achieved speeds in excess of 21 mph. Driving off the summit of the Zugspitze in Germany, in the hands of reliable test driver 85-year-old Takazumi "Kamikaze Ken" Watanabe, it achieved amazing speeds in excess of 100 mph in the rapid descent.
Two windscreen wipers are fitted as standard, as is a water pistol for cleaning the windscreen. In a novel departure from standard automobile construction, there are no windows on the driver's side of the car. This dramatically increases the sensation of speed and dispenses with the need for wasteful sensors to detect temperature and external conditions, as the driver will be well aware of them.
Owners are at liberty to add carpeting to the car to enhance the feel of luxury, if they wish, though the generous cardboarding of the floor area prevents most moisture from entering the car, making the wearing of protective leggings redundant.
The Landshark will be on sale in May in both Relubbus and Liechtenstein. Each hand-built machine will cost only £57,555. However, one of these prized road machines will go -- for free -- to the winner of the draw from names of those who submit correct answers [in valid format**] to the following questions:
1. What is the highest registered downhill speed of the Landshark?
2. What was the name of the valiant test driver, who sacrificed his life testing the Landshark on the Zugspitze descent ?
3. How old was he?
4. What is the retail price of the Landshark?
Send your answers, together with your name and address and a stamped addressed envelope, to the Roundup, c/o the Swordfish Inn, Newlyn. Entries must be accompanied by a 10,000 word poem entitled "I want to get my hands on that bleddy Landshark because..."
** Entries are valid only if accompanied by £5,000 in used notes.
BOOK REVIEWS
By Literary Editor Emily Bindweed
Arseangel, by Robert Harris
The much-anticipated follow-up to Archangel, Arseangel tells the story of Fanny Sprot, a Victorian prostitute who specialises in buttock fetishists. Beautifully written, clearly extensively researched, and recommended to all bum fanciers!
Children's Books
The Naughty Golliwog Returns, by Enid Blyton
More racist fun from Ms Blyton, as the crinkle-haired villain abducts and rapes the pure English Rose doll. But don't worry, redneck Big Ears is on the case! Recommended reading for 16 - 18 year olds.
WIN THIS LUXURY CAR!
ADVERTISEMENT
Take a good look, for you will never see the like of this car again!
It is the brand-new hand-built Trevaskis Landshark 505 and it can be yours simply by answering 10 little questions correctly. The first correctly completed entry form* received at Trevaskis stores will win the entrant ownership of this desirable one-off!!
Designed by style-gurus lured from the famous Italian Lamborgini camp as well as from avant-garde auto-designers Nankervis of Polnarren, this automotive wonder should tick everyone’s boxes. Whilst conceived as an executive car to speed the likes of RC Oates or Trevaskis himself along the roads of Cornwall accompanied by some curvaceous Cornish cutie called Ann or Diane, at a phenomenal additional cost two passenger seats have been added at the back. The car is made from 100% recyclable and recycled materials.
It is equipped with the latest Naff Sat and includes a radio permanently tuned to BBC Radio Cornwall. Its eco-conscious designers have equipped it with a half litre engine, but so sophisticated is the engineering that, after running flat out for 30 minutes (downhill) it cam achieve an amazing speed of 17 and half miles per hour!!
This car was conceived as -- and is -- the purest girlbait!!
It can be yours, just by answering the following questions AND FILLING IN THE ANSWERS ON THE APPROPRIATE FORM*** ONLY OBTAINABLE FROM TREVASKIS STORES :
- What is the name of this car?
- What is its maximum downhill speed?
- What colour is it?
- Which Cornish multi-mega-billionnaire, whose name features in the title, is behind this amazing Cornish concept car?
- From which Italian automotive group were style gurus poached?
- From which Cornish automotive group were style gurus poached?
- Give one likely name of the curvaceous Cornish cutie who would be a passenger in this car.
- Give another likely name of a curvaceous Cornish cutie passenger.
- To which radio station is the car’s radio permanently tuned?
- Name the satellite navigation aid with which the car is equipped.
*** Answer Forms will only be issued to people who have spent £24,000 in Trevaskis stores during the past week or who have paid the £24,000 entry fee (a percentage of which might be paid towards a charity, the Society for Beached Landsharks).
SCOOP: KOREAN DICTATOR SEEKS ASYLUM IN RELUBBUS
A report written in the third person by "Landshark" (Archilaus Tresidder)
Archilaus is pictured on the left in triumphant mood on the morning after his big scoop.
The night was very dark. He could hear the sea gently lapping at the pebbles of the beach, but he could see nothing. He was acting on information received. The contacts of the foreign newsdesk of the Relubbus Roundup had never yet failed. They had always been impeccable. However, this particular tip did seem unlikely. The words ran through his mind again for the umpteenth time, "He will alight from a rowing boat on Newlyn beach at 11.30 pm on the 24th December".
Archilaus Tresidder was a junior cub under-reporter, a young man of only 44 who had yet to truly prove himself. Out of deference to his elders and betters at the Roundup, he insisted on continuing to wear short trousers until he had delivered his own very first big story single-handed, and after tonight, with luck and a following wind (he never had any difficulty managing that bit himself), he should be in a position to file that first big story.
Given the date and the time of day, there was no one about. Behind him, a short distance away, the Penzance-Newlyn road was still lit by streetlamps, which glowed dimly, a weak source of warmth on a cold night like tonight and too far away to cast any illumination on the blackened beach below him.
Luckily for him, his Dusty Springfield watch was of the sort that glowed in the dark. It told him that it was still only 25 minutes past 11. Tension mounted and found release in the old family curse, as tortured gases were almost soundlessly expelled from his rear. Tonight, for once, they threatened no one, instantly dispersed as they were by the vigorous sea breeze.
Before he knew it, a tinny rendition of The son of a Preacher man rang out from his watch, telling him that it was 11.30 pm precisely. He switched off the sound of his beloved Dusty and began to listen acutely. He strained his entire being into the all-absorbing act of listening -- it brought its own reward.
First, he could hear oars working the water, next he could hear the crunch of wood on pebbles as the boat was run to beach and then he could hear the splashing in the shallows, as a mystery person disembarked.
Finding it difficult to believe that such a person would arrive here at this time in this way, Archilaus once more played the words of the tip-off through his mind "Kim Jong Il will come to seek asylum in Relubbus, arriving by rowing boat on the Western Green beach near Newlyn at 11.30pm on 24th December".
As the cold wet water soaked the shoes and lower legs of the new arrival, loud curses were heard in a language that was anything but Cornish. The words "Keh Shipp Sekya!" Were delivered in a high-pitched oriental voice...
At this critical moment, I switched on my Dusty Springfield pocket searchlight to reveal a stocky oriental clad in Mao suit disembarking from a sampan crewed by emaciated men wearing coolie hats.
Caught in the light, the stocky man froze and, in desperation, called out "Don't shoot!! Councillor Spargo great man -- Relubbus centre of world -- don't shoot! I come live here -- learn make pasties!! Don't shoot." It soon transpired that this was the extent of his non-Korean vocabulary.
The tip-off was correct. I was about to get the scoop of my life. Not a moment too soon. It was very cold and I felt that I really deserved long trousers now and couldn't wait until Simpsons of Penzance was next open so that I could acquire this much coveted badge of reporting maturity.
TO BE CONTINUED...
