SHOCK DOUBLE LIFE OF TOLCARNE SCOUT LEADER REVEALED

The Roundup can bring you the startling news that one of Tolcarne's most popular and hitherto upstanding inhabitants - Mr Maurice "Hairclip" Metherell (32), a local butcher and favourite Scout leader - has been leading a double life.

Metherell, pictured here on the left in his Scout uniform,  is popular amongst the lads of the Tolcarne Scout group.
Whilst he can sometimes come across as effeminate, he has been most helpful to the boys in encouraging them to explore their 'feminine side' in true 21st century metrosexual style.

Under Metherell's leadership they were the first scout troop to develop skills in hairdressing and home-baking.
These early successes were quickly followed by tutelage and skills in manicure, spray tan and the arts of the air steward.

It therefore came as a huge surprise, when it was revealed that "Mr Metherell" was leading a second life as Miss Maude Pengelly (29) a freelance courtesan operating out of a caravan parked in a layby on the B3315 near the turning for Paul.

Advertising on the internet, Maude Pengelly secured suitors from as far away as Padstow ( a 'Mr Stone', a local chef).
Her undoing came when she received a visit  from a Mr 'John Smith', who turned out to be none other than Mr Willy Botheras (62) from Pendeen, the Cornish Chief Scout and a man well known to "Mr Metherell".

As neither party was wearing the strong glasses they both require, it took a minute or two before the penny dropped.

However, drop it surely did and, as they say in Sennen, the encounter ended "sooner'n it begun' in a scene of mutual embarrassment.
Tolcarne is now advertising for a new Scout leader and the Pengelly caravan was last seen heading for Padstow in a hurry.

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JOIN MARAZION METHODIST PADDLING CLUB!!

Love the sea, but can't swim?

Does standing in deep water make you want to 'go'?

Do you find the bathing costumes of today indecent?

We know the problem and we know how to deal with it at the Marazion Methodist Paddling Club (MMPC).

 At the MMPC:

• We don't wear indecent costumes.
• We don't go out into water more than four inches deep.
•  For safety reasons, we always take the waters in groups of no less than ten, one of whom is always attached by rope to a stout tree on shore.
• We start every paddling expedition with a rousing rendition of William Whiting's 'Eternal father strong to save' - No. 917 in the Methodist Hymn Book.

If you are 21 or over, you are welcome to join us at a cost of just £756 per season.

For this:

You will receive a 'certified decent' handknitted costume in which you can paddle.

You will receive an intensive  three week paddling safety course.

Thereafter you will be able to join us in safe paddling and song on Marazion beach!

CALLING PARENTS AND YOUNGSTERS EVERYWHERE!

FREE YOURSELVES FROM THE EVILS OF THE INTERNET

Now both parents and youngsters can have lots of modern up-to-date and care-free communication fun with the Methodist Morse Code and Radio Kit.

Using this radio, you will find that you can only listen  to wholesome family programmes from around the world.
The radio, which comes in a fetching and handy 3ft square walnut-effect box is pre-tuned  to receive only Methodist Radio Relubbus and ten other Methodist stations around the world (1 in Devon and the others elsewhere in Cornwall).

You can sing along with your favourite hymns and even listen to your own requests, if you sre lucky enough to have had them selected from the many hundreds of thousands that are sent in.

For the technically minded, there is a dial with which you can adjust the volume.  However, be careful!  You can only listen to this radio set with headphones (2 sets supplied) and you might damage your ears, if you turn the volume up too high.

Parents are advised to listen with their youngsters for the first couple of years until they can be sure that the volume dial is not being abused.

The really interesting feature is the Morse device, which will permit your youngster to communicate with other youngsters.  This is guaranteed to give them hours of good clean honest fun.

In view of the potentially addictive nature of this equipment, it is strongly recommended that parents strictly control and limit children's access to it.

Parents are advised not to let the youngster near the equipment until AFTER the homework has been done AND checked.

The Methodist Institute for Juvenile Physical and Mental Health recommends that all youngsters still wearing short trousers (i.e. under 21 years of age) should be permitted no more than 30 minutes fun before they return to the family Scrabble table of an evening.

CHRISTMAS GETS A NEW LOOK IN MARAZION!!

The Marazion Apollo Theatre - as can be seen in the picture on the left - has been looking a little run down in recent years. 

The once hugely popular 37-seat theatre had seen better days - almost all of which are no longer within living memory.

The exception, of course, is in the case of 125-year-old "Lucky" Pender, who still lives in the same Barncoose hospital for the criminally insane that he has occupied since that fateful day - 110 years ago - when he tried to burn down Simpsons of Penzance after the staff of that fashionable store laughed at him when he tried on a new pair of trousers only to reveal that he wore no underpants.

Apparanetly "Lucky" still has vivid childhood memories of the place.

It has therefore come as considerable relief to many folk that the Relubbus mega-multibillionnaire entrepreneur, R C Oates, has dug deep in his generous pockets to splash out on a £749 refurbishment that has made the Marazion Apollo once again the number one entertainment centre within 172 yards of the famous Marazion town centre.

Resplendent in its new glory, the 10,000 seat renewed Marazion Apollo is set to clean up on Christmas and New Year Entertainment bookings in West Penwith.

The new artistic director of the Apollo is none other that Mrs Doris 'Ollis (43), who has been lured over from her job at the Treneere Fish Bar to take on this demanding role for an hourly reward, which is rumoured to run well below double figures.

A major factor in her readiness to take on this role lies in the fact that her husband ('usbant), Boris, is the driver of the bus that connects Penzance Bus station with Marazion.  "Eegen gimme free lift on the wayome like!", says an excited Mrs 'Ollis.

Doris has been given an artistic free hand and is using this opportunity to bring exciting new talent to the West Cornish stage.

We present just four of the new discovery headline acts she is bringing this Christmas.

Top of the bill is the "Pub Landlady" - or Lily Nichols as she is better known.  For some years, Lily has been practising her stand-up routine on the streets of Helston outside its various hostelries.  Fortified by cans generously donated by members of the public, she maintains a stream of comical verbiage until the stand-up becomes a fall-down, at which point the show ends and the Salvation Army moves in.

Thus honed in the harsh world of street stand-up, Lily will be bringing her routine  to the new Marazion Apollo stage.  Lily will be having a few drinks and telling a few stories of clever observational humour before she reaches the stage of technical fall-down or becomes too incoherent or lewd and has to be dragged from the stage.

Next up on the bill comes the raw sex and sizzle provided by the risqué burlesque troupe - "They Naughty Hopalong Maids" - from Tregeseal, St Just.

All six girls have in common the fact that they have been expelled from school for reasons termed as inappropriate behaviour and also the fact that they hop everywhere they go - including on stage.

They will be dancing - hopping - to their own rendition of "The Old Grey Duck", "Goin up Cambern 'Ill" and other classic favourites well known to the crowds.

Sure to be another success with the audience is the hypnotist's act known simply as Camp Count Colin.  This is a speciality act with a twist.   Colin - who hails from far away up in North Cornwall - is a mysterious type, who likes the Gothic look.

Exuding a manic confidence despite his strongly lisping stammer and startling falsetto voice, Colin affects what he regards as an East European accent, which, when married with his obviously Cornish vocabulary and grammar, creates a novel impact.

Amongst the embarassing things he gets his hypnotised victims (always young men) to do is to profess their love for him.  "It duh give a noo meanin' to 'turn queer', thasswat I duh say!"

Used to the 'anything goes' atmosphere prevailing in the nightclubs of Trewint and Tregole, Colin is now under strict instructions to keep his act clean enough for a family audience.

The final offering to gain a mention here is a new novelty act from Scotland - "The Two Tweeters",  a married couple by the name of Gordon and Sarah.

This pair of lovebirds performs an eye-catching tap dance whilst they simultaneously play the spoons in a routine so obviously dreamt-up and rehearsed in the comfort of their own front room.  However, such is the charm of their smiles - particularly Gordon's - that it is quite compelling.

They will also be singing a medley of songs - some of Gordon's own composition - including one about an old ex-friend:

"Who is that bastard?

His name is Tony............" (to the tune of "You take the High Road")

Ticket enquiries can be made at a booth in the alleyway next to "Out of the Blue"  in Market Place, Marazion.  You are advised to hurry as tickets are expected to sell quickly.

CONTROVERSY OVER PLANS FOR MARAZION BEACH DEVELOPMENT

A firestorm of controversy has broken out over plans to develop the beach from Long Rock to Marazion and turn it into a Multifactional Communist Theme Park.

The idea is the brainchild of one Loopy Potts, a reckless hedge fund manager and all round arsehole from London with a second home in Portreath, who describes himself as "Your average dialectical materialism junkie, but perhaps with a greater leaning towards the Feuerbach than the Hegel".

An impassioned admirer of past Communist despots, he alighted on the idea of converting this Cornish beach into a Gulag, offering forced labour and re-education and other funtime activities round the clock for all ages. 

His idea would be to have a Marxist-Leninist section for those who prefer their communism unadulterated, as well as a specialist Maoist secton for those who prefer Chinese takeaways.

Bewildered Potts-watchers were amazed to hear of this latest plan, given the failure of his multi-million pound Stalinist holiday camp in Camborne. 

However, although Potts has lost pots of money, it seems that help is on the way from a most unlikely source.

A mystery Japanese backer (known only as a Mr Tojo) has offered to go 50/50 on the costs with Potts, if he will agree to balancing up left wing with right wing opinion by having a Sarah's Mad Hatter's section themed on the beliefs and following of his favourite hunting, shooting, fishing and knitting Nazi, Sarah Paling-into-insignificance.

Sarah has become something of a totem for the so-called Tea Party in the USA.  This is a mad collection of rabid right wing nutters and Christian fundamentalists, who share a common hatred of what might be termed 'the state', since, quite naturally, any responsible state would put them all into very secure homes.

The Tea Party takes its name from the chaotically anarchic practices, which characterised the Mad Hatter's Tea Party in Alice in Wonderland.

Sarah's popularity remains high amongst the rabid rightists of the Tea Party despite her unfortunately early descent into Alzheimerland.  Sadly the poor woman now has to write everything down on her hand, if she is to remember it.

However, Mr Tojo still has the hots for Sarah and the necessary yen for Potts and so, at this point, it looks as though the development might go forward.

The project has naturally caused controversy and this has attracted the attention of Synthetic Sylvia (so called because of the amount of plastic skilled Relubbus surgeons have employed to preserve her exterior), the amazing 154-year-old mother of the Leader of the Greater Relubbus Urban Council (GRUC), Councillor Billy Spargo (124).

Mrs Spargo, shown here coming home from shopping at Morrisons is not at all happy about the proposed development and will be bringing her considerable influence to bear on the situation.

"I didden bleeve it when I 'eard bowt thissere plan fer ovver Long Rock!  I arn dappy, I kin tellee!  I used tuh tek Boy Billy ovver there tuh play all them years ago annit should be jessussame fer kiddies now!  We duh wunt nunnathey bleddy silly Commnist Theme Parks downere.  Annass fer that there Sarah Wassername, goin roun dunnup like sum fancy woman, we aren't avvin nunnathat 'ere. 'Spectable people rownere we are!"

Mrs Spargo told the Roundup that she would be having serious words with her son and that, if he didn't put an immediate stop to all this nonsense, he would not be allowed to go on the Sunday School Treat and would have to go to bed without any tea.

MOUNTS BAY - SHOULD TOURISTS BE BANNED?

Mounts Bay has been a magnet for tourists right back to distant Phoenician times, when it featured as the most popular destination on Amilcar's slave-driven Bireme Tours in 700 BC (see picture).

Tired of the relentlessly hot and sunny Mediterranean climate, paying guests were only too thrilled to be able to enter the magic world of West Penwith washed, as it all too often is, by sparkling pelting raindrops and super-cooled by many a blasting breeze.

A round trip from Sidon to Marazion could be had for as little as 50 shekels (on a rather slow 4-slave vessel) or as much as 750 shekels for a private outside cabin aboard a fast 150-slave vessel.

Tin and copper trinkets were very popular with the Phoenician tourists and remain so to this day with the likes of Bob and Betty from Berbigum.

For centuries Mounts Bay has been a dear home to local folk.  Fishermen have used it to sail out to fish and, for a long while, farmers have collected its seaweed to enhance the already naturally impressive fertility of the soil (see picture).

In latter years, lovers of natural beauty have flocked to its shores to feast their eyes on its shimmering presence and have vied with one another with varying degrees of success to capture its illusive essence in words and pictures.

Now there is a growingly loud crowd (the accepted definition of which, in some quarters, is three) calling for a total ban on tourism in the Mounts Bay area and in West Penwith as a whole, if not the whole of Cornwall.

We spoke to the people involved.

Mr Jasper Jago (24) is a psychiatric nurse from the teeming hamlet of Bojewyan.  He claims that tourists make him so depresed that lithium "dudden do it fer me no more!"

He is the first depressive to take granite pills, procured from the hardest of hard core sources at Lamorna Cove, where, in Mr Jago's words, "the stuff is jes' lyin' roun' waiting fer tuh be picked up!"

Since he started taking his specially carved 1 oz daily granite pills some fifteen months or so, Mr Jago has put on 2 stones in weight.

Jasper claims that he now feels more upbeat about life, but that the tourists must still go, "Emmets 'ere, emmets there, emmets bleddy evreewhere.  They duh drive me spare, they do - an' me a nurse, I aren't no patient!"

Madron Tregenza is a 36-year-old entrepreneur who has made a modest fortune from his business of selling lightly washed pre-owned underwear door to door.  This local businessman believes that Cornwall's future depends upon the development of new export industries. 

He believes that tourists and "they bleddy secundomers" should be stopped at the border or charged a punitive levy of £55,000 per breath taken of Cornish air.

The type of export industry he favours is "one o' they smuckin' fart ones like a Iphone, wot duh do yer benefits claims automatic.  Nuther one could be a lighter plastic AK 47, wot can shoot deown another planet!"  Mr Tregenza is working on the development of such products at weekends.

The third person in the crowd is herself an American tourist, staying in a luxury caravan with two doors at Sennen Cove - a Ms Sarah Plain.

Ms Plain claims to have been a candidate for the Vice Presidency of the Gotham City Creationists' Tennis Club and insists that she comes from the same land as Superman.  She admits that Catwoman would also lay claim to a similar provenance, but dismisses the latter as a 'bitch'.  She adds "I'm a reeeal intelligent person and I can see Russia from my window, even in my caravan!"

Annoyed by the presence of so many tourists, she believes that, if all the others are got rid of, she will have more space for herself on the beach.  She therefore lends her full support to Jasper and Madron's campaign.

The Roundup would like to know what you think of the proposal that Mounts Bay, and indeed the whole of Cornwall, should be closed off to all tourists and 'sekundomers'.

Let us know and the most impressive answer (to be submitted in not less than 40,000 words of Unified Cornish) will win the author their very own brand new LELANT Lean-To (worth £13,350, shown here with the door left open for ventilation after use).

Help will also be given with the digging of the pit.

BEN-HALIGON DOES IT AGAIN!!

David Ben-Haligon, the noted, and often controversial, 48-year-old Marazion-based Cornish/Jewish polymath and entrepreneur, has released his latest range of 'unbelievable but true' gadgets designed to make everyday life easier.

Ben-Haligon, who declares, "I put the Zion back into Marazion!" is an indefatigable inventor as well as a champion of Cornish/Jewish rights.

Readers will recall Ben-Haligon's past claims that the Cornish are the lost tribe of Israel.  He dismisses as wishful mythmaking the traditional story that it was mobile Phonetian seafarers, who first came to these shores to trade for tin.

Ben-Haligon insists that it was his own forefathers (led by the legendary clotted cream maker Shlomo Ben-Haligon) who came to Kernow 2,700 years ago, bent on seeking a new market for Kosher Clotted Cream.

So charmed were they by the sheer beauty of the place that many of them decided to stay for good, seamlessly integrating with the local community.   This version of events forms the foundation of his assertion that the Cornish are truly the lost tribe of Israel.  "We were not lost yet, we just moved house already!"

In some quarters, Ben-Haligon is regarded as unacceptably right wing for this belief that the Cornish border should be redrawn at a line from Honiton to Barnstaple in order to reclaim the lost ancestral land of the East Bank of Kernow.
Much of his fabled wealth is spent on seeking to shore up political support to this end.  "Kernow once spread up to Bristol, but I would be happy with the Honiton/Barnstaple line."

However, the multimillionaire entrepreneur was in the news this week for entirely different reasons.  At his showcase Marazion store, the Gadget Shop, he brought to market his latest offerings yesterday before an excited crowd of over 17 people.

His first new gadget is the 'Great Weight Watch'.  This watch not only tells you the time, but also announces your weight at half hourly intervals at a volume equivalent to that of a railway station announcement.

The gadget is intended to assist those seeking to lose weight by shaming them into action.  The announcements can be made in either metric or imperial weights and, should the weight keep going up, can be preceeded by a friendly but firm call of "Hey, Fattie!".

This triumph of technology is available to the public at a knock-down price of only £4,567.

Bert Trembath (19) of Boscathnoe was one of the first customers to stump up the required money.
Weighing in at a trim 32 stone, Bert was keen to 'lose a few poun' in time for his first dream holiday in Cowboyland, Texas - 'otherwise they said they'll aff to freight me out!'

The second invention on offer today is one which is expected to bring in many millions of pounds of revenue to the Marazion magnate.

Ben-Haligon's 'Mazal Tov Thought Glasses' are an ingenious device, which not only improve sight to 20 20 vision, but which also enable the wearer to read the thoughts of those around him/her.

Whilst, at £24,000 each, they do not come cheap, the high price tag has not deterred potential customers.

Advance orders totalling £7,500,000 have already been received from governments and businesses around the world.  Says Ben-Haligon, "It is the end of the lie already!  With the Mazal Tov on your head, all lies are dead!"

The third and final offering from the House of Ben-Haligon is the 'Oy Vey Migraine Hat'.  The inventor believes that migraine can be dispelled by wearing a device on the head, which both purifies the air and which delivers a soothing all-over head massage.

Migraine sufferes are recommended to wear the hat for one day out of seven to keep migraine at bay and to put on the hat immediately at the onset of a migraine attack.

It comes complete with portable 12 volt battery and oxygen tank at only £65.  As Ben-Haligon declares "Oy Vey just takes your migraine away!"

ANGRY DRAMA STUDENTS DEMAND THEIR MONEY BACK

Marazion Impresario, Ivan Organ, (52) is facing a class legal action in the Relubbus courts from 1,000 angry drama students from around West Penwith who were seduced into parting with £500 each to become registered as an ‘Organ Extra’.

Organ, pictured left, achieved international recognition for his undoubted skills as a clapper board operator in Relubbus TV export favourites such as Emergency Ward 9; Mr Pasty; The Nighttime Adventures of the Lonely Ranger with his partner, Rio Tinto; Monday Night at the Relubbus Panopticon and Bollocks from Botallack, the intriguing and popular late night Arts talk show for naturists.

Organ's career had fallen into something of a lull and he had been forced into working as a car part attendant in the field opposite the Mount in order to make ends meet. He then decided to set up a business supplying extras to the Relubbus media industry, in which his clapper board has made him a known face. He targeted the aspiring stars and starlets of West Penwith.

Plausibly, he explained to them all that they could not expect to begin their acting careers as high earners in Hollywood. Firstly, they would need to gain valuable experience and the easiest way to do this would be by working as an extra. As he maintains now, he could - and he did - provide them with valuable work experience.

The aggrieved would-be stars maintain that they have gained no media experience at all.

Mr Organ’s legal representative, Mr M. T. Head, pictured left, roundly dismissed such claims.

He declared, in a written statement, “Mr Organ procured an opportunity for all 1,000 students to work as extras in the crowd during the recent Cornish Pirates versus Relubbus rugby match. This match was broadcast over Relubbus radio and eight listeners have testified to the fact that, beneath the running commentary, they could distinctly hear crowd noises. It cannot be denied that some of these noises will have been made by the extras. Accordingly, Mr Organ has kept his word and given them all media exposure as promised.”

Margot Lesquick (21) currently a trainee hairdresser but also an aspiring starlet and an 'Organ Extra' declared, tearfully chewing on her cigar, "That bleddy bastard ‘ave took all my savin’s! I'm worried silly I am and my enty duh say that I duh now look 60 year older!

"We all ‘ad to pay to get in to see that rugby too - which I duh ‘ate anyway – an’ we weren’t never on the telly or nuthin. We were mixed in with the rugby crowd and no one couldn’t never ‘ear me. My Dad’s gunna find out where Organ duh live and ee’s goin roun there to giv’un a bleddy smack in the mouth!!”

It emerged that Mr Organ has decamped to France, where he is staying at Chateau NatWest with an old business acquaintance, Sir Fred Goodwin (a man regarded by many as a similar robber), until things cool down a bit.

The Roundup will pursue this story further.

EUROVISION 2009 - YOUR COUNTRY NEEDS YOU!

As the winter winds lose their bite and the days grow longer, the snowdrops give way to daffodils and gradually thoughts turn to spring and to ... Eurovision.

The Roundup proudly presents a review of the main contestants for this prestigious European prize and reveals that the customary vote-rigging is well under way and is so far advanced that the eventual winner can already be announced.

But first things first – the contestants. We review the principal contenders for the title in this year’s unique contest, in which everyone has to sing their own lyrics to the same tune – “Goin' up Camborne ‘Ill" - played by the Marazion massed triangle band. Each contestant is shown with the lyrics he/she has chosen.

BELGIUM

Heartthrob Alternative Health Practitioner, Philippe Knabberknackers (24) ‘walked’ the selection process in Belgium.

Despite not even bothering to turn up for the contest, as he had had a few bevvies too many the night before, Philippe won ten of the thirteen votes cast to ‘walk away’ with the Belgian nomination.

As can be seen from the photo, he has now thrown all his energies into coming up with a winning interpretation of his song.

His fan base extends beyond Belgium, because of his appearance in ‘special interest films’ and he appears to have a solid supporter base in the Baltic States and in other former republics of the former USSR.

Lyrics: Who kicked the budgie into my soup?

LATVIA

Dace (formerly Valdis) Vanags (18) was a man for the first forty-three of her years. After several operations at the Riga Veterinary Hospital, she emerged as a mouth-wateringly beautiful 18 year old girl with – still – an amazing bass voice!

In her former existence as Valdis, she was an experienced and highly capable stevedore. Now she has emerged as a beauty therapist, who is able to serenade her female clients in a rich deep bass voice that seems beguilingly out of character with the lissome female creature one sees before one.

Lyrics: Old Man River, Dat old man River

FRANCE

Mademoiselle Frou-Frou Lebecque (formerly Mimi Letoucque) (23) received a vote of 83 million (out of a population of 61.5 million) to steal the French nomination, despite there being no other contestants.

Frou-frou is wildly popular with the whole of the French public – apart from Carla Bruni, the new wife of French President Nicholas Teacosy.

Bruni is aid to have been very upset to have found a full length picture of Frou Frou in President Teacosy’s shower room.

Lyrics: Camptown Races

ISRAEL AND NEW ZEALAND

Although being a fair distance by aeroplane from Europe, Israel has traditionally been allowed to take part in Eurovision for many reasons, which are, of course, obvious to anyone from Tel Aviv.

Shlomo ben David (29) has been selected from 20,000 contestants to represent the Israeli republic.

Shlomo is a New Zealander, but, as he converted to Judaism last month and received an Israeli passport last week, he is now able to represent both countries, as he announces with his customary wayward smile.

Lyrics: Don’t Dilly Dally (My Old man said "Follow the Van")

ITALY

The Cheeky Girls, Bella Ragazza and her cousin, Pasta Verde, are both 17 and delighted to represent their country.

As Bella gushingly and fluently declared, “Issa wonderful, Ciao, Grazie, Prego! I luvva you!”

Both girls attend the Italia Disconti Stage school, where they spend 2 hours a day learning to speak English “Likeaa they do inna Eastenders, allrighta maita!”, said Pasta showing off.

They also focus a great deal on song, dance and theatre skills. Amazingly, the girls will be singing their song whilst performing an “Inverted Irish Dance” - i.e. on their hands!

Lyrics: There’s an Old Mill By the Stream

SWEDEN

The schoolgirl troupe selected by the Swedes (called "They Swedish maids") is tipped as a hot favourite to win the contest. They are believed to have secured financial backing from two well known Cornish business magnates – the fabulously rich Messrs Trevaskis and Oates – which has enabled them to buy their eye-catchingly snazzy costumes, the skirts of which they rip off midway through the song in Mexican wave style.

In return for the generous backing (believed to be in excess of £7.50 each!), the girls have, of course, signed over all profits they may ever make in their lives and have committed to appear every night for the next ten years at the Relubbus Hippodrome.

Lyrics: Hitler, 'e only 'ad one ball!!

HAYLE

The People’s Soviet Socialist Republic of Hayle is represented by three young folk, who work at the experimental Hayle Nuclear Power Station – they are from left to right Norris, Doris and Boris and sing together under the name “Endebee”.

The trio, all 19 years old, have caused some controversy by inserting words which sound like “embargo Spargo!” into their song.

This has given rise to renewed frictions in the already frayed diplomatic relations between Relubbus, led by 108-year-old Council Chairman Spargo, and the People’s Republic of Hayle, led by failed comb-over victim and mad dictator Ventongimps (49).

Lyrics: Kiss me goodnight, Sergeant-Major

RELUBBUS

The runaway absolute favourite for the contest is the 16-year-old, 16 stone singing prodigy from Prospidnick, known to his Mum as ‘git plum boy’ and known to his huge Relubbus fan base as ‘Gunna Singunaree’.

His off-stage name is Leonard Landshark and young Landshark has, despite his young years, already twice topped the Relubbus charts with his versions of “Do ye ken John Peel” and “My Boy Willie”, both of which sold over ten copies in only 12 weeks.

Young Landshark has huge stage presence (and a huge frame) and seems to exert a magnetic pull over his audiences, even when they number more than 14.

Landshark’s voice is breaking and it may just be the sheer unpredictability of his sound that is the secret of his success. Bookies have stopped taking bets on Landshark, because he is now commonly regarded as a sure-fire winner.

Experts feel that his highly-rated chances might be related to the fact that, alone amongst the contestants, his lyrics do fit the music.

Lyrics: Goin’ up Camborne ‘Ill

The Roundup will be following the further development of this story for the benefit of the thousands of our readers around the world who 'live for Eurovision'.

LILY LOOKALIKE SPOTTED IN MARAZION

The mystery lady who bears a remarkable resemblance to Lily Nichols, the con-artist and ex-bag lady from Perranuthnoe, has been sighted again, this time in Marazion. Previous sightings have been in Morrison's, the KWOP, and Lidl's in Penzance. She has also been seen loitering outside the flagship RC Oates Superstore in Relubbus.

This time, the mystery woman seemed to think that she had been invited to start the Trevaskis Challenge Round the World Raft Race (jointly sponsored by W.G. Trevaskis and English Heritage). Luckily, ace Roundup photographer "Snapper" Kelynack was in Marazion to cover the start of the race, and took the picture on the left.

Meanwhile, Lily Nichols herself, who makes a very comfortable living out of convincing the English media that she is an aristocrat (the mythical Duchess of Cornwall) is said to be furious at the antics of the interloper, whom she sees as trying to cash in on her territory.

"'Oo duh she think she is?" Lily complained yesterday. "Lollopin' aroun' like a git muppet, askin' people "How do you do?" an' "What do you do?" in thet bleddy silly voice?!"