Roundup Reporters have uncovered a secret plan hatched by the Duchy of Seine Königliche Hoheit Prinz Karl von Sachsen-Coburg und Gotha to open an underground rail network in Cornwall in order to relieve road traffic pressures above ground.
The secret plan is already in an advanced stage of preparation with numerous routes already built, including the West Penwith line.
The picture on the left is taken in the tunnel on the Zennor-Pendeen section of the line, which is now complete.
The trains will use a completely new type of technology code-named ZGB (believed to stand for Zero Gravity Bullet). This permits very high speeds without passengers experiencing any sensation of high speed travel.
According to design engineer, Trenwith Polglaze (36), of Goldsithney,(who will now sadly lose his job for talking to us), “the doors duh jes’ shut and open without you moving at all, but when they do open, you see that you are in the next station – it’s magic!”
A secret document shows the proposed journey times between certain destinations. The Zennor-Pendeen section will take just 2 minutes, whilst the stretch from Pendeen to St Just will take a mere 60 seconds. The extensive network is likely to see many people doing away with their cars for good.
Whilst the new underground system is now likely to be warmly welcomed by most of those who live in and visit Cornwall, it is also sadly likely to fuel the flames of controversy.
Firstly, property prices are clearly set to shoot up in those places on the underground route, whilst those hamlets and towns not on the route must reckon with a plummeting fall in property prices.
This can be seen on the attached map, where the West Penwith line leaves Sennen and moves directly to Mousehole, completely bypassing St Buryan. This will be a severe blow to those living in St Buryan, and a particularly cruel blow to any,who might have just moved there recently.
A second source of controversy lies in the fact that some businesses are more conveniently located near to stops than others. For instance, RC Oates Superstore in Relubbus is right next to one of the 25 stations in Relubbus, whereas Morrisons and Tescos in Penzance are some way from the nearest stop, which is at Gems Salon, Poltair Close, Heamoor. Similarly Shelley’s Hair and Beauty in St Just is likely to receive a boost by being located to one of the 6 stops in St Just.
Leaving aside the many controversies, most people are likely to be pleased by the provision of this advanced travel facility.
Many people will be wondering why the Prinz should be making such a gesture to the people of Cornwall. The Roundup has acquired a copy of a tape in which Seine Hoheit explains his actions thus to one of his aristocratic advisers, Heini von Porridge (both pictured here):
Seine Hoheit: “Heini, I haff all my life taken £ millions every year from ze Cornisch. Mein Gott, Zey might be counting!
Now MPs and even ze BBC are giving beck expenses, I sought zat I should give ze Cornish somesink beck. Now I can say zat I haff been takin ze Cornisch millions so zat I could give zem a Underground railway!!””
Heini Porridge: “Exzellent, O mein Prinz! You can also say zat it is good for ze environment – far fewer cars – etcetera!”
Having his whole life long taken huge sums of money as a landlord from one the poorest areas of the UK, the people of Kernow can now expect the Prinz and his Duchy to present them with their brand new Underground railway. If not, just what has he been doing with the money? Shall we count the millions???!!
DUCHY'S SURPRISE UNDERGROUND RAIL NETWORK FOR CORNWALL!!
LOOKING FOR LOVE IN RELUBBUS?
We all lead very busy lives these days and some people simply do not get the time to explore society and find ‘the one’ for them. That is where the Relubbus Roundup can make a real difference to your life. In our pages you can advertise to find that perfect soulmate or you can simply browse the entries and maybe – all of a sudden - you will find the right him/her/it looking back at you.
Lucinda Lavinia Liddicoat (27) -- or ‘Triple L’ to her friends -- is a cheery girl, who ‘likes to live it large’. By day she is a conscientious wig-maker, with a special and highly sought-after skill in producing perukes and toupees for bald hamsters. However, as soon as she catapults out of the wig factory in Hayle at 5 pm prompt each evening, she is out for fun, fun, fun. Our photo shows this delightful damsel lining up a few drinks after work for her and her best friend, Tamsin Trevelyan, in the flat they share in Tolroy.
Triple L would like to meet a young man with his own Reliant Robin car (her dream motor). Reluctant to smile because she has no teeth, she would ideally like to meet a toothless young man of her own age. “We’d be equal then, an’ jes’ think of the slobbery snoggin’ we’d ’ave!” If you are a young RR owner with no teeth and would like to give Triple L a go, then ‘phone her on Hayle 56 32 56.
Glorious leggy blonde bombshell Patricia Trembath (25) from up Pendeen, seen here trying to chat up an off duty policeman is a lonely girl! Patricia, or ‘Trishy’, as she likes to be called, is 11 foot 6 ins tall and this has made it difficult for her to make men friends.
Trishy is an enthusiastic, but sadly unaccomplished, trombone player, adores Scrabble and keeps earwigs as pets. Tone deafness does not prevent her from trying to sing and she can often be heard loudly trilling her tuneless drone whilst out and about on the roads of West Penwith, where she has a job as a telegraph pole polisher.
Trishy’s dream is to meet a young man of her own height, preferably from Pendeen. However, suitors from Botallack or even Zennor might also be considered. If this is you then ‘phone Trishy on Pendeen 56 82 13.
Binkie Behenna (22) is an enterprising young lady from New Mill. Although so young, she already runs her own mobile budgerigar insemination, grooming, and burial business, which goes by the name of “Pretty Boy”.
Being a very busy local businesswoman, she does not have the time to explore the ‘local scene’ to find a man. She says, “Looks aren’t important, I’m more interested in what’s inside the man’s trousers than how they look!”
Unlike other one-legged people, Binkie likes to wear a prosthesis rather than hop, but she challenges you to guess from this photo which leg is the falsie! If Binkie sounds like she is the spunky sort of girl you are looking for and you like the cut of her jib, then ‘phone New Mill 65 12 87 (after 6.00 pm).
Huw Dewi ap Rhys (31) is the cultural attaché at the Welsh Embassy in Relubbus. A former male lap dancer from the Swansea docks, he got into working for the Welsh state after doing some private dancing for the Welsh Foreign Secretary, Lydia Thomas-Jones (67). Relubbus is his second posting, having already served in the Welsh Embassy in Bolivia, which he had to leave in something of a hurry, following the circulation of unsubstantiated lascivious stories connecting him to Lucia de Lozada, the 97 year old mother of the leader, Felipe de Lozada, of the UNRSB (the Radical National Socialist Union of Bolivia).
Huw is newly arrived in Relubbus and would like to meet Cornish women of any age. However, he says that he would particularly welcome hearing from young women born in the years from 1908 to 1913. ‘Phone Huw on Relubbus 65 43 91.
Conan Penglaze (74) is a former window fitter from Madron. Conan is an enthusiastic pipe-smoker and gets through 2 oz of St Bruno flake a day. Conan has designed a ‘two-tube’ pipe so that his ‘beloved’, when he meets her, can share the same pipe as him . He has even built in a facility so that the smokers can switch tubes and share dottle, the essence of sharing love for Conan.
Not a man given to many social graces, Conan seeks a woman who can cook, do his washing, attend to his needs and, as he is getting on a bit, who is also handy around the garden. He doesn’t like women who ‘jabber on’. Conan listens to Radio Cornwall all day, and his perfect day consists of sitting in his favourite chair in his long johns enjoying his pipe. If this sounds like the sort of homely man you would like in your home, then ‘phone Madron 64 59 23, being prepared to shout.
Abner Bollock, (43) is a divorced former triangle tuner (now jobseeker) from Prospidnick. Abner used to be married to June, before she left him only six days after they married in 1989, having spent his inheritance in Las Vegas during their honeymoon. Since then he has been trying to pluck up courage to ‘try again’.
Abner lives with his Aunt Dolly in an unconverted barn. Interested females should be aware that Aunt Dolly is a ventriloquist’s dummy and that Abner has got into the habit of long conversations with “Enty” ever since he lost his last job in 1995. Abner says, “The bottom fell out of triangle tuning and now we ‘ave the credit crunch! I aren’t givin’ up yet though – I still got ‘ope!”
Ladies who are drawn to this fascinating beacon of belief in a better world are advised that he has no ‘phone and that they should simply knock the door of the Old Barn, Shite Lane, Prospidnick.
PENDEEN BALDNESS BREAKTHROUGH!
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This is a picture (on the left) of the top of delighted customer Tommy Trevains’ head BEFORE he had the treatment, (and it only lasts 5 minutes!!!) which has transformed his life. On the right is a picture of the lustrous hair growth which he is proud to call his own after the treatment.
Says a delighted Tommy, “I ebbent never spent su much money to such good effect. I’s the best £4,500 I ever spent!! I’s jes’ like I got a new ‘ead of ‘air. I w’aint be able to keep they maids off me now."
Mrs Kitty Polzeath, 35, the brains and owner of Ponsandane Hair Solutions claims that she can help any man with problems in the hair department!!Indeed for the right fee, she claims that she can help any man with any problems in any department.
**Long Rock Bank will provide personal loans to enable you to take a course of treatment at Mrs Polzeath’s establishment. Loans are available to bald persons with an annual income of not less than £34,000 annually. Deposit of 10% must be paid by bald customer. Arrangement Fee of £1,500 will apply, as will annual compound interest rate of 31.75%. Loans are for a minimun period of 35 years. Certificate of Baldness must be provided.
PENDEEN MAN WINS CARN GLOOSE LOTTERY
The surprise winner of this year's internationally-famed annual Carn Gloose Lottery can now be revealed to be none other than Pendeen man, Simon Jacka (37).
Mr Jacka, pictured here with his huge cheque following the presentation at the Newlyn Deep Sea Fishermen's Mission, accompanied by some rapidly-appearing and ever hopeful female admirers (all of whom work in the Newlyn Kwop), said that he had bought his £5 ticket some three months ago and then promptly forgot all about it.
"When I 'eard they numbers comin' up on Radio Kernow, it sounded a bit familiar. I 'ad plum fergot I 'ad that ticket, but when I 'eard they numbers, I pulled un out and couldn' bleeve I'd won the bleddy thing!"
Literally tens of tickets are sold throughout the year to hopefuls, who all have their eye on the big prize. This year the winning ticket brings Mr Jacka the princely sum of £341.95. Mr Jacka (42) is single and works over St Erth Creamery as a cleaner. He has, over the years, acquired a reputation as something of a gambling playboy on the West Cornwall scene and can often be seen down the Mecca Bingo, but a win on this scale was beyond his wildest dreams
Mr Jacka (39) plays trombone in Pendeen band and came 5th in the sack race in his penultimate year at primary school. His mother, Lizzie (96), who lives nearby in an old folks' home, was over the moon.
"Now ee've won 'is fortune, all ee duh want now is to settle down with sum nice li'l maid", she said.
The nice little maids in the picture are from the left Rowena Pascoe (18, cheese counter), Olive Pengelly (21, bacon counter), Avril Pearce (23, fruit and vegetables) and Lavinia Andrewartha (19, till). Unfortunately, when the girls realised that the winnings were £341.95 and not £341,950, they disappeared as quickly as they came.
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RELUBBUS AIRWAYS ARE PROUD TO ANNOUNCE THE RE-INTRODUCTION OF THEIR POPULAR "SELECTOR" FLIGHTS
Relubbus Airways, "the people's choice" airline, with scheduled daily return flights from Relubbus International airport to St Just airport, Newquay, and Wellington in New Zealand, has succumbed to enormous public pressure and is re-introducing its hugely popular, but controversial, "Selector" flights.
Pictured on the left is the Merlin turbo-prop nine-seater, manufactured by the Cornish Aircraft Corporation (CAC) at Rosudgeon, that will be used for the flights, which are regarded as the ultimate thrill in air travel.
The Selector is a variant of musical chairs with one crucial difference. Passengers are secured into their seats with hand and ankle cuffs. When safely airborne, the Selector is switched on. Stirring music is heard -- vigorously hummed or whistled by the pilot. A light on top of the headrest of each seat is illuminated -- one after the other. When the music stops, the occupant of the illuminated seat is "selected" and receives a 150,000 volts electric shock.
In an atmosphere of ever growing suspense, up to three selections can be made per flight.
One of the survivors from the last flight in June last year commented, "You just don't know suspense till you've been on a Selector -- it could be curtains for you! You feel so relieved when you are one of the last six, who will touch down, but then you can't wait to get up there again for that special buzz!"
Selector flights will start next week from Relubbus International and will cost £8500 per person. Special rates for "Get the Groom" stag parties!! Tel. Relubbus 456830
Issue 11, 10th September 2007
SCHOOL HEAD LASHES CORNISH LANGUAGE BOARD
The Headmaster of the prestigious Relubbus Grammar School has, in an impassioned speech, castigated the Cornish Language establishment for dereliction of duty and absence of the firm leadership that is required to steer the ship of language revival into the only safe and useful port -- usage of one form by the whole community.
Speaking at a meeting in Relubbus of the International Headmasters Conference, which he now chairs, Dr Hannibal Angove (57) stated that the promotion and development of the Cornish language was currently no better than a sad joke.
The Relubbus Grammar School has a vibrant foreign languages department that teaches 17 languages, including Welsh, Breton, and Irish. He had been asked to add Cornish to the list of languages and would have loved to have been able to do so, but is obliged to respond "Which one?" There are, at the last count, four different versions of the language, as well as six competing orthographies.
Unable to mask growing anger, he reported that he himself had learnt Cornish at the City Lit in London back in the very early 1980s. He added:
"I can report, with some pleasure, that I passed my first Language Board Exam. Years later, when I thought of resuming my studies, I discovered that the so-called leaders of the language revival had become infected with the fearsome virus of petty academic preciousness, which had led champions of different forms of Cornish to promote "their" version of the language, as though the matter of language revival were some parlour game.
"Given the small number of Cornish speakers, we could arrive at the ridiculous situation in which each person speaks and writes their own version of the language!"
Other voices within the Relubbus establishment have also called for one form of Cornish for all. And the mighty engines of the Relubbus commercial world, a potentially huge source of both financial and practical support, have held back from sponsoring the language. As R. C. Oates, Relubbus mega-multi-billionaire and owner of the superstore in Relubbus, put it:
"If they kent mek their minds up about one form of Cornish, I kent mek my mind up about givin’ they any money. I duh bin ‘appy to ‘ave Cornish used in the shop and I woulda ‘ad all the staff trained up -- both of them -- to talk Cornish, but I aren’t gunna do it till they duh mek up their minds first!"
Councillor Billy Spargo of the Greater Relubbus Urban Council, speaking from a caravan at Polperro, where he has been spending a romantic weekend with Madame Sarkozy, commented angrily, "Issa bleddy disgrace -- string ‘em all up! One language form before Christmas! Tha’s what I duh want!"
LUDGVAN LOVELIES "ABDUCTED BY ALIENS"
Two Ludgvan lovelies, the twins Loveday (21) and Rowena (21) Roskilly, have announced to the world, through the Roundup, that they have been abducted by aliens. They have given a graphic account of their experience, which is being taken seriously by RASA (the Relubbus Aeronautic and Space Authority).
Pictured here on the left, Loveday and Rowena are wearing the strange garb and headgear the aliens gave them and using the special devices they were given to communicate with the alien spaceship, now believed to be "parked" in near space just above Relubbus.
Formerly normal, happy-go-lucky girls, who both worked at Simpsons in Penzance and who enjoyed a laugh and lots of fun, they now speak in low robotic voices and show no interest in the things that formerly filled their lives.
The twins claim to have a series of messages and warnings for the rest of mankind. The "aliens" (called "Gwarks" in their own tongue) chose to come to Relubbus because it was obvious from their observations that only in Cornwall had humankind evolved to such a high degree of spiritual, mental, and physical excellence.
The primary Gwark messages (phrased in Cornish English) to mankind are:
"We aren’t ‘ere to ‘urt you. We duh wanna ‘elp.
"We’d dearly luv to come down and ave a bit geek roun'".
"Your Earth’ll burn up, if you duh carry on mistreatin' ov un like gat."
Rowena says that Gwarks look like spiders. They smell evil, but they "feel" good. They are warm. Light passes through them. They do not "speak", but generate thoughts that have the qualities of colour and music -- they can be seen and heard by the soul.
Loveday says that the first thing that happened to them on the ship was that they were showered. Their clothes were removed - "blown away like cobwebs" -- and then they had a sensation like being washed in a shower. They were "cleansed in every way, this was no mere shower in which surfaces and orifices were washed, but something deeper and more complex. They could feel that their very souls were being drenched in a loving, cleansing liquid, their minds and intellects were being rinsed and all impurities removed.
At the end of this process they found they were "connected" to Sumplumarntee, a leading Gwark, who had connected to all their orifices at once. "It was magical" said Rowena and Loveday in tandem.
Despite the RASA interest in the twins’ story, West Cornwall Police are keen to track down local women’s hairdresser, Willy Treglown, whose name was found on the headgear and clothing worn by the twins and who has been suspected of drugging his female clients for "obscure and nefarious purposes".
ART FORGERY SHOCK!
The art world recoiled in horror at the discovery that the most celebrated work of the renowned Relubbus minimalist painter, Squitho Botallack, hanging in the Relubbus International Gallery in Boswedden Lane, might be a fake.
Botallack achieved the pinnacle of his global fame with this work, which has been valued at $76 billion and which was his very last work before his untimely death at the age of 84, following one of his drinking bouts.
Botallack, pictured here on the left in a self-portrait completed during his more formal Pendeen period, was for many years a commanding, though controversial, figure in the world of art. An accomplished homosexual, the paintings of his many lovers (always painted from behind -- his trademark) adorn galleries throughout the world.
With a pathological fear of water, he mixed his paint with his own bodily fluids, which explains the unusual textures he was able to achieve in his work. Painting as he always did in total darkness, in his blackout room, he nonetheless earned the enduring envy and admiration of his fellow artists for his near magical use of light in his finished works. Close examination of any of his pieces reveals painstaking detail and effortless control in his brushwork, made all the more remarkable by the fact that he chose not to hold the brush but rather to insert it into his nose and paint by moving the head. ("I duh knaw where I'm going with it then!")
All his famous and infamous idiosyncrasies aside, Botallack bestrode the modern art world with a senatorial authority that admitted no opposition.
However, it was his last work which unquestionably placed him head and shoulders above all others and which rightly bestowed upon him the crown of minimalist achievement.
Pictured on the left, the "Empty Canvas" was famous for having no paint on it at all. Its appearance initially sparked controversy, but then all recognised Botallack’s genius in creating a medium for infinite artistic interpretation. He famously said, "It is all things to all men." The suggestion that the Relubbus gallery might be housing a fake has put the art world in a spin. Critics from all over the world have flown in to Relubbus and are expected to pronounce in a few days. The Roundup will bring you the news.
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Gentlemen -- at last a practical shoe with a difference!
Designers at Pengelly’s Shoes in Penzance are constantly striving to find footwear solutions to the demands of the modern world. Imagine -- you have just had another heavy night down at the Bath Inn and, following many a repeated farewell to those you know and don’t know, emerge, much the worse for wear and assailed by the fresh night air, at the door of the pub, having to prop yourself up against the wall, while you try to remember whether you need to turn left or right to get home.
In this befuddled state, the walk back home can be a perilous one, as the eyes fight to focus on placement of the right foot and the difficult matter of balance is being tackled all alone by the forgotten left foot. This very often leads to heavy swaying and, however much or loudly one calls out to the shadows of the night, the swaying can lead to a bad fall and a lengthy lying down on the pavement, which could cause innocent passers-by to surmise that you have been drinking too much! Before long, it could be all over town! NO LONGER!
Modelled on the left by renowned habituee of the Swordfish Inn at Newlyn, "Shortie" Rosewarne, we have the Pengelly’s Shoes answer to this ticklish problem -- the PPS -- the Post Pub Stabilisers! These special shoes are 3 foot longer than your usual shoe and they help stop you from falling over when you are next legless coming out of the pub. "Shortie" says, "I duh get pissed up every night and I used to fall over regular goin’ ‘ome. These bleddy shoes ‘ave changed my life -- I don’t fall over n’ more!!"Shortie is pictured here wearing his free trial pair of PPS after a particularly heavy night (12 pints) and, as his air of nonchalance betrays, he has absolutely no fear of falling over on his way home tonight.
So do the sensible thing, buy yourself (or ladies, buy your husband) a pair of Pengelly’s PPS for your night at the pub. Each pair is made to measure and is available in either yellow and blue or red and silver. They cost just £1,256 plus VAT.
Get pissed as a newt and still stand up straightMUSICAL GENIUS STRIKES HUGE AUDIENCE DUMB!
These shoes will walk you proud to your garden gate!
The Counthouse at Pendeen was the scene for the latest assault on the musical senses of the Cornish public by newly-discovered maestro, Percy Botheras (43). First known as a virtuoso triangle player, Botheras has now revealed that he is equally accomplished on the handbells.
The entire audience of 14 people (including this author) were swept up and held in a mesmeric state as -- for two whole days, with only eight short toilet breaks -- Botheras worked his way through the entire works of Beethoven and Wagner, in a solo performance, using just two bells.Those of us who had witnessed him weaving his magical spell with his triangle a couple of weeks back should perhaps not have been surprised, but it was indeed a treat to be truly savoured to watch and hear Botheras "ringing the changes" in new, higher levels of interpretation of these musical greats.
One cannot help but believe that Wagner himself would have chosen Botheras’ handbell version of his works, if he had only had the opportunity to hear what we had the privilege of witnessing.
Mrs Sophie Bolitho-Polkinghorne (63), President of the Relubbus National Orchestra and just one of the West Cornish musical glitterati present, burst into tears of appreciative joy after the first eight hours of uninterrupted music.
We were all left to wonder how it is possible for a man with just two bells to paint such a complex canvas of sound, picked out and coloured with such a widely varying range and texture of emotion. It was as though the vibrations from those bells penetrated not merely the physical plane, but also the spiritual.
In short, the performance left us all stunned and drained. We knew that we had been greatly privileged and now eagerly await Botheras’ next musical extravaganza, though he is keeping this a closely guarded secret..
Since it was a two day event, catering was provided and the author, on behalf of himself and the rest of the audience, would like to thank Ginsters for their generous provision of one traditional medium pasty and one cheese and tomato sandwich. We would also like to thank Pendrewartha’s for the generous loan of a mobile toilet and provision of one and half toilet rolls.
ALL THIS WEEK AT THE RELUBBUS MULTIPLEX
THE LATEST BLOCKBUSTER!
BEN HUR
starring CHARLTON HESTON and JACK HAWKINS
1:30 p.m, 4:30 p.m., 7:30 p.m.
The Roundup says "Guten Tag" to the German Embassy
Continuing our very popular tour of the thriving and busy diplomatic community in Relubbus, we have recently called on the German Embassy at No. 34, Boswedden Lane, where we were most royally received by His Excellency Graf Heinrich von auf and zu Afterdingen-Kesselrath-Schlingsdorf-Klobuerste (45), who insisted that we simply call him "Heini".
He explained his delight to receive this posting to Relubbus: "In Chermany ve haff many times ze pleasure had, Cornvall to see in the razzer excellent television programmes, featuring stories from Rosamunde Pilcher. Zis has my appetite excited here to come."
Heini learnt all his English from his childhood tutor, Dr Dr Dr Dr ("zat is not a mistake, but 4 docturates!") Ludolf (Ludi) Kraus, a brilliant polymath and Renaissance man, who fired the young Heini up to excel in all things academic. "I can, vizout exaggeration, claim, zat English my greatest strengs vas. For zis reason, I am being chosen to represent Chermany here in Relubbus."The German Embassy is a relatively small, but highly efficient operation. Heini is accompanied by his wife, Hildegard, who cooks, types and commands and is further assisted by three diligent diplomats, Hans, Knies and Bumsadaisy.
"Zat is my little choke. Zey are really Friedrich (von auf und zu Hansbuettel), Klaus (von auf und zu Kniesdorf) and Wolfgang (von auf und zu Bumsediesel). Vere vould ve be vizout a little humour, zat is vat I am asking you!"
The German Embassy is truly an unexpected bundle of fun, though also a place where solid work is done. The day starts at 6.00 am sharp with a rousing chorus of "Einigkeit und Recht und Freiheit" (the words have changed, but it is the same old Deutschland song) followed by a hearty breakfast of coffee, rolls, Wurst, cheese and jam, followed by an one-hour run across the hills of Relubbus. At 7.25, one of the diplomats tells a joke and the other three must all laugh heartily. At 7.30 am sharp, "ze shop is open!". The embassy is open to all comers. It closes at 12.30 for lunch, opens promptly at 2.00 pm for 2 hours, and then shuts again. It operates from Monday to Friday and is open from 8.00 until 12 noon every first Saturday of the month.
Heini is a model railway enthusiast and he has constructed a line that cleverly runs throughout the entire embassy building, including the steep gradient from ground floor to upper floor in the spacious one-up one-down embassy building. All paperwork must be transported from desk to desk via the railway, which operates during embassy hours, and which keeps a strict timetable. Papers cannot and will not be passed directly from diplomat to diplomat -- if Heini spots any such illegal transfers, the papers are immediately ripped up "vatever zey are!"
Strict silence is also observed throughout the working day. At the end of the day, there is a requirement for the staff to chatter amongst themselves in a carefree way for four and a half minutes. Then, in the all-pervading spirit of fun that characterises this embassy, each diplomat is required to tell a joke, which all the others must find funny.
Heine informs us "Our Kanzlerin, Frau Angela Merkel, regards zis diplomatic posting as more important zan zat anyvere else. Ze goal of good relations with Cornvall and viz Relubbus in particular is za key to German foreign policy."
At 5.33 pm, we were told a joke -- at which we were clearly expected to laugh heartily -- and then asked to leave.
Edward Shortwave-Radio shares a moment with Roundup Readers
Pictured on the left, Mr Edward Shortwave-Radio (103) is an Englishman who has come to love Cornwall. He shares with us some thoughts on the contemplation of Mount's Bay."The balmy evening light sheds a warm glow over this magical West Cornish bay. It needs no further optical adornment. But there before me lies a sometimes sea-bound mount with a castle at its top. This is a beacon to all those who come from the corner of the world that is known as West Penwith. It is a beacon too to those of us from up country, who have come to love this jewel of the Celtic lands. When you see it, you know you have 'arrived'. There are indeed those who would argue the same for Redruth or, of course, for Camborne, as well as many other places all the way up to the Tamar, but I am with the men of West Penwith, both because of the land itself, which I love, and because of my Eliza...
"I stand on the land above Nancledra, that beating heart of economic progress that dreams dreams of becoming a Relubbus of the future. From this vantage point, I can see the sweep of the bay -- the countless glittering stars of sea ripples caught by the evening sun. Beneath me, Gulval Churchtown snoozes in the benevolent warmth of the sun and there amongst the folk lucky enough to call this place home is Eliza Polglaze, the love of my life.
"It is not Eliza's achievements that won my heart, though they are many. She is the winner of the 1956 Gulval one-legged sack race, the runner-up in the 1961 All-Penwith underwater live-frog dissection contest, champion pasty crimper in Gulval for ten consecutive years and now, latterly, over 90s champion for speed dribbling. Eliza is a woman of heart, of physical passion, of refined cultural taste. Oh yes, her badges of recognition are not won only in the realm of physical achievement. She still holds the championship she won in 1954 for marathon banjo-playing of 74 hours -- none has matched that record. Further, she won the Jacques Chirac prize for French poetry in 2006.
"I will walk now down the hill to her cottage and we will sit together in the garden in the evening light -- holding hands -- and, though we will use no words, yet we shall softly speak volumes to one another.
"If all could know the warmth of love that I now know, there would be no war, nor bitterness. There would be no grubby greed, nor would there be a Tesco".
'OOS DEAD?
Our popular Obituaries section
Gulval mourns passing of Jemima Uren
Jemima Uren (105) passed away suddenly last week whilst tending her beloved herd of lamas. A true character of the village, what she lacked in personal hygiene was more than made up for by her abundant eccentricity. Married 7 times, she had 6 children, 21 grandchildren, and 32 great-grandchildren. Her youngest child, Elsie, herself now 83, said "Ma did dearly like to ‘ave a laugh almost as much as she liked her pipe and baccy".
Pictured here on the left, puffing on her favourite pipe, Jemmie -- as she liked to be called -- had a penetrating high-pitched cackle, which you usually heard before you saw her. An enterprising businesswoman, she was always on the lookout for the main chance. Her latest venture, which hadn’t quite taken off, involved her herd of 124 lamas. She had purchased them with the intention of launching a new line of lama milk, butter, and cream.Sadly, the whole herd turned out to be male, as she discovered herself when she tried to milk each one of them. "I thought it wadden proper, when they lamas turned out to ’ave only one teat. I bin milkin’ all my life and I thought doing they lamas would be a piece of piss. Turned out tha’s all it was!"
Jemmie’s funeral will take place at Gulval Church next Tuesday at 3.00pm.
Tragic death of Nancledra’s Albanian milkman
Much-loved plumber, Qerim Kutishi (59), originally and proudly from Albania, but for the last 35 years living in Nancledra, passed away unexpectedly at the weekend.
Qerim was very secretive about his past life and, indeed, his current home life. His wife, Pranvera, whom we had hitherto never even seen, came to light for the first time yesterday.Despite this extreme secrecy, Qerim was a highly competent plumber and, though he never really mastered more than about 30 English words (two of which were "Proper Job"), he always made himself understood with adroit hand signals and a laugh and a ready smile. He was popular wherever he went and, for that reason, was never out of work.
He became known as the "military plumber", because he always wore a curiously old-fashioned military uniform whether at work or even just out shopping. His lithe and energetic form could often be seen hurtling through Morrison’s on some urgent shopping mission to locate obscure ingredients for some Albanian recipe. But if he recognised you he would stop just long enough to smile and utter "I out shop for vife". Since "vife" was one of his 30 words, yet no one had ever seen Mrs Kutishi, people were naturally very curious to see this mystery woman.
Espying through the window the freshly deceased Qerim lying prostrate on the kitchen floor, neighbours knocked for 15 minutes on the door and, when no one answered, broke in.
Petite Mrs Kutishi was sitting wordless in a chair, watching the lifeless form of her husband with doleful big eyes.It seems that she could neither speak nor move. The sheer shock of the experience of seeing her husband die in front of her seems to have caused her to go into some form of deep paralysis. It also appears to have caused her to shrink very considerably -- she appeared to be only 1 foot six inches high.
Furthermore,, the trauma had caused her to become tragically thin and her skin seemed just like plastic to the touch.
Mrs Kutishi was rushed to hospital by worried neighbours and deeply concerned ambulance men for an urgent examination. After several hours of painstakingly careful tests, doctors were able to establish that Mrs Kutishi appears to be a doll.
It was decided that the doll should be laid to rest with the remains of Mr Kutishi next Wednesday. Both body and doll can be viewed for the purpose of taking photographs, according to old Albanian tradition, at the Nancledra Londis store and chapel of rest.
LONELY HEARTS waiting for you!
Readers -- feast your eyes and write in to these lovelies, who are waiting to hear from you...
Aglem Ter (22) is a cook at the Papua New Guinea Embassy in Relubbus and, like many of the other inhabitants of foreign embassies here, has fallen in love with the place and does not wish to go home, preferring instead to find a local man and stay here.
She would like to meet a young blood of no more than 30 years of age and would like him to own his own hut outright (no mortgage) and to have more than 20 pigs. Aglem says that she is a dab hand in the kitchen and coyly adds that she would like to be adventurous with the right man.
She is no fool and was the abacus champion at school. She is fond of collecting shells and has made her own weapons (knife, spear and bow and arrows), in the use of which she is truly formidable. She is prepared to make herself useful in disputes with the neighbours. She is very fond of cats and has made all her own clothes from their fur afterwards. She is expert in the preparation of "long pig", a special delicacy back home.
If you want a homely but dependable girl, who can pull her weight in your journey through life then Box 5620 is the one for you.
Gwen Harvey (41) works in the Newlyn Harbourmaster’s office and, as you can see, is a lady of some refinement -- she is pictured here in her working clothes. She lives with her one-legged widower father (Stan) and derives much pleasure from carving legs of different wood and for different occasions for her dad -- "the Christmas one ‘ve got ‘olly all up an down it".
Of a musical frame of mind, Gwen is an expert yodeller and can play the jew’s harp with considerable dexterity and speed. Very at home in the kitchen, she likes to make jams and marmalades and, being Gwen, she does so with a difference. Occasionally, she puts something "special" in the mixture and the eater has to guess what it is -- recent past surprises have included flying ants (when in season), 2-stroke engine oil, and chicken droppings. Gwen has very bad teeth and would ideally like to meet a dentist. Box 4781
Tommy Jacka (65) works at Relubbus Nurseries and lives in a field near Goldsithney. His heroes are Dolly Parton, President Bush and Saddam Hussein. He is divorced, since his wife could no longer stand his life-long obsession that he is, in reality, Geronimo. She also grew tired of living outdoors.
Tommy was an only child and grew up in Germoe. Psychiatrists believe that the passing similarity between the name of his birthplace and that of his chosen alter ego might be the explanation for his assumption of the latter. He is a man of few words and even fewer clothes and possessions (he wears no trousers!) but is passionate about the environment and would like to meet a young woman who will share his love of the outdoor life and with whom he can start a family.
Tommy communicates in his own version of an Indian language and likes to greet with an outstretched hand and a firm "How!" He is short of cash and would like his bride to possess her own horse. As he is getting on in years, he would also like her to bring her own tepee so that he can enjoy some protection from the elements in the autumn of his life. Box 7291
Alice Spargo (25), niece of GRUC firebrand Councillor Billy Spargo, finds that her high connections in the Relubbus political community often frighten off men, so she has decided to advertise here to find the man of her dreams. Alice, the self-styled "Queen of Gweek", is pictured on the left in her regalia, being admired by the residents (she says "my subjects") of Gweek.
Relubbus observers have often thought that her uncle Billy might marry her off to a foreign royal or political leader in order to cement relations between Relubbus and, say, China or Russia. But she is looking for her own "prince", who must "be good at darts, sink 8 pints no problem, be under 30, play the piccolo, speak Norwegian and have his own car." Come on Relubbus! Box 5932
IN THE NEXT BUMPER ISSUE
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- EXCLUSIVE: RELUBBUS TO BE TWINNED WITH RIO
- Gates Slips To Third In World's Richest Rankings
- Research Station in Sennen discovers "intelligent fish"
- The Roundup visits the French Embassy in Relubbus
- 'OOS DEAD? Our popular Obituaries section.
- Lonely Hearts of West Cornwall.
- And much, much more!
