EUROVISION 2010: SOME SONGS, SOME HOPES!

Here the Roundup reviews some of the entries in this year's ever popular Eurovision Song Contest.

ISRAEL

Some people are confused that Israel should be taking part in a European competition, as it is a little bit like Ireland competing in the Pan-African Games.

However, this year those perplexed people are set to become even more confused.  This year the Israeli entry in this song competition is - mystifyingly - a mime act!

Yes, the biggest surprise of all in the 2010 Eurovision Song Contest is the entry from Israel, the gay mime act "Contortions", featuring Shlomo Weiszman (48) and his young friend, Mordecai Grudz-Already-Yet-Still (21).

This hugely talented pair, a mime act from downtown Jaffa, has attracted record crowds at bus stops all over Israel with their compelling representations - performed entirely in mime - of great political events, of great songs and of great instrumental music.

They are hoping to win this year with their frankly frenetic mime representation of Stravinsky's Firebird.

BELGIUM

Belgium can always be relied upon to give a good entertaining performance in Eurovision, having come second in the competition on 24 occasions.  It will be no different his year with the entry of the lady who is coming to be known as Belgium's Blonde Beauty (BBB).

From de Kerkstraat in Dikkelvenne comes mistress of the Belgian triangle, Veerle van Nagelmakkers (18).  Veerle is not only the most accomplished triangle player to have emerged from Dikkelvenne in the past few months, she has also found the time to become a fully qualified pubic hairdresser.

In her spare, she breeds long-haired hamsters and is an avid follower of well-known (in Belgium) soaps such as the gripping 'Wittekerke' and the sometimes raunchy 'Thuis'.  In fact, Veerle thinks she looks just like Femke in the TV show.

She will be giving her 47 minute rendition of the classic Flemish favourite 'De Vlaamse Muis' accompanying herself on her trusty treble triangle.

GERMANY

Hot from the Hamburg club scene comes Germany's surprise ladyboy entry "Die Nussknacker", made up of Guido Schlampe (27), Bodo Heisspumpe (27) and Udo Nagellack (27).

The trio are all sheet metal workers in the same company, where they discovered that they all shared an interest in developing their feminine side.

Meeting up after work for pamper sessions, they also made the happy discovery that they shared a love of singing - or, rather, yodelling.  They began to work up a yodelling routine, which they tried out at their favourite haidresser's in Hamburg, Marco's (a subsidiary of the 'The Male Company' in Hayle).

Gushing in unison (with only the faintest yodel in the voice) the likely lads trilled "Effrevun sought zat ve vere vunderful, darlink!"  They went on to conquer the clubs and then mainstream television with ease in their own show "Boys und Ladies".

The lads will be yodelling for Germany in the coming contest, but will be singing in English in their own composition dedicated to the German Chancellor "I vunt a haircut like Angela!"

UNITED KINGDOM

Desperate to win again, the UK is pinning all its hopes on the man from Relubbus, Benny Bolitho and his Big Banjo.

Benny was originally a Pendeen man and has been charming audiences up and down Cornwall as a well-known and much-loved act for the past fifty years.

From his pictures, people always assume that Benny is playing an outsize banjo.  It is only when they meet him that they realise that the banjo is of a normal size and that it is Benny, who is a bit on the small side.

Using this fact to his advantage, Benny has made a perfectly good living over the years as a mobile garden gnome.  He is also further blessed in that he has, as the Cornish would say, "gotsum voice onun, abnuh?"

Accompanying himself on his banjo, Benny will be deploying his bewitchingly tuneful falsetto voice to give a rendition of the classic Cornish favourite 'Lil' Lize'.

As people in the Greenmarket in Penzance were saying only yesterday "Benny'll walk un easy!"

TOILETS OF NOTE IN RELUBBUS

Relubbus is rightly famed for the grandeur, the inspired innovative flourishes and exceeding beauty of its many institutions.  Who, therefore, could be surprised that Relubbus excels also in the novel freshness of its approach to the provision of public conveniences - or 'toyluts' as they are known in Relubbus.

The Roundup is aware that many of of our numerous international visitors may be unaware  of these hidden gems of the state of Relubbus and we accordingly feature some of them in this issue.

The first and foremost to be mentioned must be the one which is most closely linked with the notion of expeditious dispensation of justice in Relubbus - namely the judges' seats in the Relubbus High Courts.

The Judicial Seat

Mindful that lawyers are always tempted to speak at length and never use one word where they can get away with a two hour discourse, the Relubbus Justice Commission has introduced new rules.

All those appearing before the judges are required to eat a hearty meal and to consume plenty of liquids beforehand.  Once in court, they cannot leave for any reason at all before final judgement is given.

Owing to the build-up of natural bodily pressures - particularly as a result of the addition of laxatives to all food and drink available on the court premises - the lawyers are far less tempted to spin it out.
In fact, many of them are quite desperate to finish quickly before those inevitable accidents occur, which give rise to immediate hefty judicial fines.

Even the judges are not allowed to leave the court until the business is done.  However, a quick look behind the judges' benches reveals that they are not under the same pressure as everyone else in the court.  Each judge now sits on a special 'judging toylut', tenderly crafted and hand finished by Messrs Bollock and Bolitho of Ponsanooth.

Members of the public can also now buy a 'judge's toylut', but interested purchasers should be aware that these fine but functional works of art cost a hefy £103.45.

The Beachbum Special

Visitors to Cornish beaches will have noticed that they are now equipped with open air toyluts.  The open air rapidly disperses any smells and the pipework carries away all the effluent underneath the sand ('hygiene' is the watchword here!) a good few feet out to sea.

As toilet seats are often held to be a potential source of germs, the makers have very cleverly got around this problem by the simple expedient of not fitting any seats to these toilets.  One simply parks one's bum directly on to the porcelain, which itself is regularly washed clean, some say perfumed, by the frequent soft Cornish rain.

Paper can be purchased from the beach shop or lifeguard, if there is one.   During the winter time, users are expected to bring their own paper.

The Water Closet

More and more Cornish beaches now also offer floating toyluts.  It has sadly come to the eye-level attention of surfers and bathers that some sea users think nothing of urinating directly into the sea - or even worse.

Thus the 'floating toylut' was developed to help put and end to this absolutely disgusting practice.  Swimmers suddenly caught by the urge now have no excuse.  They can simply clamber aboard and then sit in comfort until their business is done.

Again, with hygiene to the fore, a pressurised pipe carries the effluent right all the way down to the sea bottom or, at least, to the end of the five foot pipe.

The Tourist's Friend

It has happened to us all.  We are on holiday in some foreign place and are then desperate to go.  We disappear off into a toilet and then, when our urgent needs have been met,  we re-emerge to discover that our group, family or friends have moved on.

That is where the Tourist's Friend's Toylut comes into its own!  You can see out and everyone else can see in!  There is no chance of getting lost.

What is more, your friends will not only know where you are but, with this marvellous toylut, also be able to see just how well you are doing and when you will be out!

Just think of the tourist snaps you will be able to take.

We have told you here about just four of the innovative toilets to be found hereabouts.  But that is not the end of the story.
Next time we will tell you about the 'high wire toylut', the 'trampoline toylut' and the 'upside down toylut', which are just three of the star attractions at the brand new TOYLUT Theme Park in Relubbus.