YES!!!!! THE ROUNDUP IS BACK .......AND NEWS INTERNATIONAL IS DOWN AND OUT

The Roundup offers sincere apologies for its recent enforced period of 'radio silence'.

This was caused by the unfortunate, and, in our view, wholly unwarranted detention of the entire Roundup reporting and production team.  We had planned an editorial 'Awayday' and picnic at Hayle Towans.  This proved to be an unwise choice of venue.

Readers will know that it situated in The People's Republic of Hayle, which is ruled by eccentrically coiffeured but steely Stalinist dictator and mummy's boy, Tregavarah Ventongimps (42), pictured here on the left.

The oversensitive Ventongimps, who was angered at our frequent references to his exotic combover hairstyle, immediately gave orders for our arrest and detention on learning that the Roundup crew were consuming pasties in the summer rain on the towans.

We were taken to a bleakly dark granite building in Copperhouse, where we were incarcerated and destined to be  forgotten  Indeed, one of our number heard the unmistakably evil and high pitched voice of Ventongimps himself as he commanded his minions to 'thraw they bleddy keys away!"

However, we were not forgotten  by the good people of Relubbus. 

At the personal command of the esteemed leader of the Greater Relubbus Urban Council (GRUC), Councillor Billy Spargo (131) the security service of the state of Relubbus (Mr Ernie Pascoe (33)) was instructed to discover our whereabouts.

It took him just months to track us down using a combination of painstakingly tenacious detective work, satellite spy skullduggery and the inimitable skills of 'Dippy', the three-legged champion sniffer dog.

Told of our fate fate, Spargo lost no time in despatching the crack 'S' squad of the Relubbus Military Police to effect a daredevil rescue.

Agents Dick Harvey and Harvey Dick then effected a night operation to secure our release, which they successfully completed thanks in great part to the efforts of their specially trained getaway horse, 'Orsie'.

Frail as a result of our ordeal we will be resuming a halting, irregular but dependable service.

The Roundup remains, as ever , at your service!!

WATCH OUT JAMIE OLIVER!!  HERE COMES NIGEL BATTEN!!

Nigel Batten (19) is, according to his mother Sandra, Relubbus' answer to Jamie Oliver.

Older readers will recall that Sandra herself achieved some degree of fame, if not notoriety, for her invention of 'Cledra Cola, an intriguing brown drink of pungently stirring natural ingredients  produced in Nancledra on her cousin's farm.

The purgative claims made for the drink were no exaggeration, but so efficacious was it in its cleansing properties that it always required a prolonged hospital stay afterwards to recover from it.

Sandra maintains that it was only for this reason, and not as a result of any discussions which may or may not have taken place with the inspection and prosecution department of the Relubbus Institute of Clinical Hygiene and Health (RICHH) that 'Cledra Cola disappeared overnight from the shelves.

Sandra is now working on  a new version of 'Cledra Cola and promises that we can all expect a big launch next spring.

Meanwhile, all eyes are on her son, Nigel.

This enigmatic boy, who went to school in Prospidnick and was marked out by his already fearful teachers as 'one to watch' is poised to take the culinary world by storm.

In fact he says that he is going to turn the pasty world upside down!

"People ebbent never seen pasties like they ones I'm bringin' out!" he declared.

Told by his mother to 'shut yer big gob!" and not spill the beans before the big launch next week at the flagship Boswedden Lane R C Oates Superstore, Nigel obediently stopped talking immediately. We can exclusively reveal that the revolutionary new range of Batten pasties - to be sold under the catchy slogan of 'Batten down yer 'atch' - will include inspired novelties such as deep-fried pasties, pasties on a stick and pasties in coloured icing for special occasions such as Pirates rugby matches.

Production will admittedly be rather limited at the outset, since Nigel's girlfriend, Lorraine, is currently the only one producing the pasties.

Nigel describes himself as "th' ideas man and marketin' genius be'ind the 'ole operation!"

However, he fully expects to be employing over 2,000 people in  pasty production within just a matter of weeks.

Cornishwomen everywhere are invited to consider contributing their pasty-making skills to this great new venture.  Wages - in excess of 10p per hour - are expected to be paid.  

If you want to see and sample the wares, be at R C Oates Superstore in Relubbus next Tuesday at 10.00 am!

HAVE YOU GOT WHAT IT TAKES TO BE A VOLUNTEER CHAPEL ASSISTANT??

Following the sad passing of Walter Gerontius Penberty at the ripe old age of 124, a vacancy has now arisen in the Union of West Penwith Methodist Chapels for a Volunteer Chapel Assistant.

Walter is shown here on the left in his favourite picture, which was taken whilst he was a schoolboy at the Prospidnick Academy  for Lads with Attention Deficit Disorder.

The post of Volunteer Chapel Assistant is one which Walter has held with pride for the last 34 years of his long life, following his retirement at the age of 94 after a successful career as a trapeze artist with the R C Oates Travelling Circus, which is hugely popular all year round from the Lizard to St Agnes to Lands End.

The important job of Volunteer Chapel Assistant - or VCA - involves servicing the needs of all the chapels in the West Penwith Area by undertaking sundry duties for them all every Sunday.

In view of the distance between the chapels, the job requires the services of an energetic person, who is in possession of a speedy bicycle, preferably one with gears.

Since the position is voluntary, it carries no remuneration.  However, since the Chapel Assistant will be servicing the needs of congregations of sometimes in excess of 9 people, he - or she - can be sure of a lot of heartfelt gratitude.

The post is expected to attract many applicants and selection will be made by the following means:

There will be an on-line test to get numbers down to a final 500.

There will then be a series of telephone interviews to get the numbers down to a final 20.

The lucky 20 will then be interviewed by Mrs Betty Peninula (97) (pictured) and her talking budgie "Pretty Boy" to choose the final 6.

The final 6 will then be interviewed by the Reverend Madron Bolitho.

If you think that you have got what it takes, you are welcome to try for the job.

For each of the 20 chapels every Sunday, you must undertake most, and sometimes all, of the following duties:

• Put the hymns up
• Pump up the organ
• Arrange the flowers
• Polish the collection plate
• Take up the collection
• Act as sidesman
• Manage the communion wine (ensuring that it is strictly non-alcoholic)
• Wash and clean glasses
• Polish the Minister's shoes
• Be on hand to take the blame if the Minister has an unfortunate loud farting incident during prayers
• Plan the Sunday School treat
• Manage the Sunday School treat
• Be the Sunday School Superintendent
• Take all the Sunday School classes
• Tend the chapel garden
• Mow the lawn
• Sweep the pavement
• Sing in the choir (as bass, tenor, alto or soprano as required)
• Take the occasional service
• Be the congregation
• Open up chapel
• Lock up chapel

If you would like to be considered, send a stamped addressed envelope with a cheque for £375 to the Union of West Penwith Methodist Chapels, Boswedden lane, Relubbus.

SHOCK DOUBLE LIFE OF TOLCARNE SCOUT LEADER REVEALED

The Roundup can bring you the startling news that one of Tolcarne's most popular and hitherto upstanding inhabitants - Mr Maurice "Hairclip" Metherell (32), a local butcher and favourite Scout leader - has been leading a double life.

Metherell, pictured here on the left in his Scout uniform,  is popular amongst the lads of the Tolcarne Scout group.
Whilst he can sometimes come across as effeminate, he has been most helpful to the boys in encouraging them to explore their 'feminine side' in true 21st century metrosexual style.

Under Metherell's leadership they were the first scout troop to develop skills in hairdressing and home-baking.
These early successes were quickly followed by tutelage and skills in manicure, spray tan and the arts of the air steward.

It therefore came as a huge surprise, when it was revealed that "Mr Metherell" was leading a second life as Miss Maude Pengelly (29) a freelance courtesan operating out of a caravan parked in a layby on the B3315 near the turning for Paul.

Advertising on the internet, Maude Pengelly secured suitors from as far away as Padstow ( a 'Mr Stone', a local chef).
Her undoing came when she received a visit  from a Mr 'John Smith', who turned out to be none other than Mr Willy Botheras (62) from Pendeen, the Cornish Chief Scout and a man well known to "Mr Metherell".

As neither party was wearing the strong glasses they both require, it took a minute or two before the penny dropped.

However, drop it surely did and, as they say in Sennen, the encounter ended "sooner'n it begun' in a scene of mutual embarrassment.
Tolcarne is now advertising for a new Scout leader and the Pengelly caravan was last seen heading for Padstow in a hurry.

ADVERTISEMENTS

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Love the sea, but can't swim?

Does standing in deep water make you want to 'go'?

Do you find the bathing costumes of today indecent?

We know the problem and we know how to deal with it at the Marazion Methodist Paddling Club (MMPC).

 At the MMPC:

• We don't wear indecent costumes.
• We don't go out into water more than four inches deep.
•  For safety reasons, we always take the waters in groups of no less than ten, one of whom is always attached by rope to a stout tree on shore.
• We start every paddling expedition with a rousing rendition of William Whiting's 'Eternal father strong to save' - No. 917 in the Methodist Hymn Book.

If you are 21 or over, you are welcome to join us at a cost of just £756 per season.

For this:

You will receive a 'certified decent' handknitted costume in which you can paddle.

You will receive an intensive  three week paddling safety course.

Thereafter you will be able to join us in safe paddling and song on Marazion beach!

CALLING PARENTS AND YOUNGSTERS EVERYWHERE!

FREE YOURSELVES FROM THE EVILS OF THE INTERNET

Now both parents and youngsters can have lots of modern up-to-date and care-free communication fun with the Methodist Morse Code and Radio Kit.

Using this radio, you will find that you can only listen  to wholesome family programmes from around the world.
The radio, which comes in a fetching and handy 3ft square walnut-effect box is pre-tuned  to receive only Methodist Radio Relubbus and ten other Methodist stations around the world (1 in Devon and the others elsewhere in Cornwall).

You can sing along with your favourite hymns and even listen to your own requests, if you sre lucky enough to have had them selected from the many hundreds of thousands that are sent in.

For the technically minded, there is a dial with which you can adjust the volume.  However, be careful!  You can only listen to this radio set with headphones (2 sets supplied) and you might damage your ears, if you turn the volume up too high.

Parents are advised to listen with their youngsters for the first couple of years until they can be sure that the volume dial is not being abused.

The really interesting feature is the Morse device, which will permit your youngster to communicate with other youngsters.  This is guaranteed to give them hours of good clean honest fun.

In view of the potentially addictive nature of this equipment, it is strongly recommended that parents strictly control and limit children's access to it.

Parents are advised not to let the youngster near the equipment until AFTER the homework has been done AND checked.

The Methodist Institute for Juvenile Physical and Mental Health recommends that all youngsters still wearing short trousers (i.e. under 21 years of age) should be permitted no more than 30 minutes fun before they return to the family Scrabble table of an evening.

FURORE AT RADIO RELUBBUS OVER CONTROVERSIAL NEWS DELIVERY

A right royal furore has broken out over plans at Radio Relubbus  to introduce a revolutionary news service to deliver the daily news in mime instead of via the spoken word.

The man at the centre of the storm is one Pierre Lello (24), a former hairdresser and airline steward, whose last and sadly unsuccessful business venture was the operation of a 24 hour emergency manicure consultancy for men.

Following the speedy demise of all his previous employment escapades, Pierre (who was born and known as Cyril Pascoe before he relaunched himself as a mime artiste) was desperately looking around for a job that would fully draw on his sensitive and artistic temperament.

Considering the matter with his civil partner, Rodney Rollocks (57), he hit upon the novel idea of delivering the radio  news in mime.  Pierre judged that this role would fully call on his capacity for grace and delicacy of movement.  Give his pronounced stutter, mime would remove any focus on the spoken word (of which there would be none) and transfer the entirety of listener attention to the "general drift of the news as expressed in  mime."

Mr Rollocks, who happened to be Diversity Director at Radio Relubbus, gave his partner every encouragement and, given his role at the radio, managed to procure the opportunity for Pierre to transmit the 6 o' clock news.

Unfortunately, mime does not lend itself well to the medium of radio.  All over Relubbus people were turning up their radios in a vain attempt to hear the news, which was being artistically, but silently, transmitted by Pierre.  Alas, no one could hear a thing.

When the Leader of the Greater Relubbus Urban Council (GRUC) Councillor Billy Spargo (93) switched on his set to hear the news, he was infuriated firstly to hear nothing and then secondly to be told, on 'phoning up the radio station, that the news was being delivered in mime.

An exasperated Spargo declared "What a bleddy silly idea!  I kent bleeve it! What asshole thought that this was a good idea?!"

Both Mr Rollocks and Mr Lello have now had to speedily leave the employ of Radio Relubbus and are now seeking new career paths.

TREMBATH SORTS OUT THE BANKERS

GRUC Treasury Councillor, Clem Trembath (71) is cracking down on bankers' bonuses.

Trembath - pictured here at an "Eat a Whopper" pasty supper last week at Prospidnick Women's Institute - is a Methodist local preacher who has often been heard to rail against the excesses of Mammon.

The new round of bonuses set to sweep over Coinagehall Street - the renowned financial district in Relubbus just off fashionable Boswedden Lane - would see some £73 billion being shared out amongst the 15,000 investment bankers who work in 'Coinage City'.

This has been a cause of disquiet among many citizens of Relubbus, since it was the bankers who so recently caused the one and only financial crisis in Relubbus history, when imprudent lending and greed brought the banks to their knees, requiring hundreds of billions of Relubbus taxpayers' money to prop them up.

Picking up on the public mood, a recent full GRUC meeting, at which Mr Trembath spoke without notes and without pause for four hours, concluded that such bonuses were obscene and "the work of the divil."

In a subsequent shock statement to the financial press, Trembath announced that a special tax at a rate of 99.999% will be levied on the bonuses reducing the pool to a mere £730, which means that each banker will now receive just 5 pence each.

When the news was heard in Coinagehall Street, it did not go down very well at all. Some bankers even threatened to emigrate to England, where they said they could find work in the secondary financial centre of the City of London. This prompted the comment from the "Gland Old Man" of Relubbus politics, Councillor Billy Spargo himself:  "Sod off and good luck to you!"

The additional tax revenue - amounting to the best part of £73 billion - is to be split three ways between the Fund for Fallen Women in Sancreed, the Relubbus Club for Octogenarian Subaquatic Gymnastics and the Fund for Free Sunday School Treats for Methodist Children.

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APPEAL FOR MISSING DOG

Supporters of a Mr Wallace - a baker and amateur politician from London - have launched an appeal to help find his missing dog, Gromit.

Mr Wallace, shown here in happier times, is absolutely bereft at the loss of his talented dog.  "He was like a brother to me", he said, amid floods of tears.

Mr Wallace is very attached to his hound and is said to rely on Gromit to help him keep his life in smooth running order.

Critics have said that, since Gromit jumped ship, Mr Wallace has come up with absolutely no ideas or, at best, only a few half-baked ones.

A sum of £13, a generous baker's dozen, will be the reward paid to anyone providing information on the whereabouts of Mr Wallace's dog, Gromit.

Gromit, pictured on the left, is instantly recognisable, since he has no mouth, which is quite unusual for a canine.

POLITICAL COMPLICATIONS IN CORNWALL

On the borders of Relubbus all is not not well..  A dispute has broken out between the People's Repubic of Hayle and its breakaway religious  state, the Extreme Methodist (including Wesleyan, United, Primitive and Bible Christian) Fundamentalist State of Angarrack.

Hayle (Republyk Gwerynek Heyl) is, of course, a somewhat bleak Communist state ruled firmly, and indeed harshly, by Stalinist dictator Tregavarah Ventongimps. 

However, Ventongimps' mother, 102 year old Agnes (pictured here), is a devout Catholic and, for this reason, Hayle is tolerant of religion and has a thriving Church.

Thanks to her support, the Church often acts as a brave, but largely ignored, voice for broader freedom in the depressingly sombre and suffocating gloom of this Communist paragon.

Angarrack ("The rock" in Kernowek) is a Methodist Fundamentalist police state rigidly controlled by His Extreme Holiness Ayatollah 'Arry ben Jago, who is never without a microphone.  'Arry prides himself on having no more flexibility than a rock.

'Arry is much given to public executions and firmly believes that they serve the purpose of renewing public commitment to the state. In the quest to find victims for the monthly executions, offences as light as parking on a double yellow line can suffice to bring you to an early meeting with your Maker.

If your face doesn't fit, then that too will suffice.  It is a case of this sort that has captured the attention of Angarrack-watchers, who are scandalised by the routine barbarity meted out to the long-suffering inhabitants of this rogue state.

Lowda Gof is a 23-year-old mobile nail technician who was caught parking on a double yellow line.  On top of that she was pronounced a vampire and condemned to death next month.

Unfortunate-looking Lowda has, however, captured the hearts of many Angarrack-watchers.  In her own tearful words, she says, "I aren't no bleddy vampire. I ebbent drunk no blood nur nuthin ligat.  I jes got funny teeth.  I put my 'ands up - I done the double yellow, but I was bustin' to go toylit.  You duh knaw - one o they 'mergencies after a dicky curry las' night."

Her plight has attracted the sympathy and active support of the Bishop of Hayle Towans, the charismatic, but unconventional man who has won the powerful patronage  of Agnes Ventongimps.

The Bishop, Ludwig Katzenfurz (49) from Liechtenstein, believes that a camel is the appropriate form of transport in such a sandy place as Hayle Towans. 

Having acquired one at great expense from Morocco, he has now grown curiously - and some say romantically - attached to the beast, which he calls "Schatzi", which means 'darling' in German.

Bishop Katzenfurz, who speaks only German, said through his interpreter, "Zis girl has got a small problem viz her teece, vich only ze good attentions of a skilled dentist can help." 

He went on to say that the death penalty was an excessive punishment for parking on double yellow lines, when a simple public branding and whipping would have quite sufficed.

The support of Agnes Ventongimps for the Bishop has also brought the support of her son, Tregavarah, and thus the support also of the substantial, though antiquated, military apparatus of his Communist state.

Tregavarah has ordered up 10 divisions to the Hayle/Angarrack border in a threatening move calculated to force the leader of the much smaller Angarrack state to reconsider its execution policies.

Included in the military force is a camelcade of 120 clerics led by Biship Katzenfurz, who now views himself as some sort of romantic Lawrence of Arabia character.

The atmosphere is now one of extreme tension.  However, there is no danger that Relubbus itself will get drawn into any resulting conflict.

Speaking from the plush and spacious surroundings of his opulent caravan (with on-board flush toilet) parked at a secret location in Marazion for the summer break, Greater Relubbus Urban Council (GRUC) leader, Councillor Billy Spargo (116), said, "If they two wunna play silly buggers, tha's up to they.  I aren't gettin' involved!"

We will report further as the situation develops.

A MATCH MADE IN HEAVEN

Bernice Skaggs, at just 23, the Bolitho Professor of Epic Greek Poetry and of Intravenous Stimulants at the prestigious University of Chyandour has achieved both fame and infamy in her comparatively short life so far.

The sharp searchlight of her forensic mind has opened up the world of Epic Greek Poetry to new generations of Cornish folk, whilst her easy-to-follow practical guide to intravenous stimulation has won countless followers, particularly in the Camborne area.

Whilst her academic work has rightly won her widespread recognition and acclaim from all sides, her somewhat racey lifestyle has sadly only brought her opprobrium -- as well as a Fatwah from the Botallack-based breakaway Methodist Fundamentalist Leader, Ali ben Polkinghorne.

Dressed in her trademark pink (above), she is often to be seen loitering outside unsavoury bars in West Penwith, trying to persuade punters to part with their cigarette cards so that she - an avid collector - can complete her collections all the sooner.

She is also believed to overindulge in her favourite Babycham.  Indeed, on one cold night in February, she was even found (by someone destined to play a major part in her life) at 3.00 am in the morning, stone drunk and wrapped around one of the lions on Penzance Promenade.

It is therefore refreshing that she is in the news again, but this time under the happy banner of good news.

The Roundup can now reveal that Bernice has decided to 'tie the knot' with septuagenarian Gwavas beau and 3rd highest winner in last week's Nancledra Lottery, Tommy "Ladies' Man" Trembath.

Tommy, pictured here quaffing a celebratory glass of Babycham, told the Roundup that he was attracted to the lissom Bernice as much by her intellect as by her good looks.

For it was none other than Tommy who stumbled across Bernice on that cold February night.  "I jes binout on a bender an' I cudden remember the wayome.  I wuz goin pass they lions on the Prom, when I 'eard a groan an' seen Madam, puking up something awful.  She wuz wiffin' o' Babycham and that wuz the clincher fer me!"

Tommy has until now eked out a rather precarious living by running the Ludgvan Latrine Hotel.

This frankly odd institution  has thusfar failed to win any significant interest amongst the emmet public. 

The paltry spartan furnishings of even its Presidential Suite are more reminiscent of an army bunkhouse than of some place that might be graced by a president.

The latrines, into which Tommy has sunk his entire inherited wealth, are faithful reconstructions of early medieval models and so make no concessions whatever to any notions of modern hygiene.

However, there has been a steady trickle of (usually Japanese) eccentrics over the years, who have been lured by the prospect of extremely basic accommodation and an array of untended and aggressively pungent 'medieval' latrines.

This has enabled Tommy to keep his head above water and even to buy the occasional bottle of his beloved Babycham.

The Nancledra Lottery win, believed to exceed three figures, will now enable the lovebirds to slip away to their sumptuous Goldsithney retreat on the outskirts of Greater Relubbus.

RELUBBUS JUDICIAL SYSTEM CELEBRATED THROUGHOUT WORLD

What makes the Relubbus judicial system the envy of the world?

Our legal correspondent, Tommy 'Asbo' Trezise (31), makes a, for him, unusually sober assessment which he shares with us here:

At the 196th novennial International Judicial Symposium held in Vaduz, Liechtenstein, assembled luminaries of the legal world all concluded that the Relubbus judicial sytem was unparalleled in its innovative approach, its fairness and equity and, above all, in its effectiveness.

The symposium is unique amongst international gatherings in that all its proceedings are conducted in the 'silver' latin of Tacitus.

This remains true today, despite fierce attempts in the 1950s to introduce the latin of Caesar (pictured left) , whose clipped and cuttingly accurate prose was held to be a much more appropriate vehicule for discussion of the law.

It further saw off, a little more easily, later attempts in the 1970s to adopt the lofty language of high Ciceronian address. 

It was thus in the more comfortable medium of the latin of Tacitus that legal systems from across the world were discussed in Vaduz -- with the conclusion that in Relubbus the pinnacle of judicial excellence had been reached.

Some of the judges involved in reaching this decision can be seen on the left leaving the Methodist Cathedral in Vaduz after morning prayers on the final day of the 10 week conference.

Visitors to Relubbus are often taken aback by one of the most startling differences between practice here and elsewhere in the world.

Every word and every sentence heard in the Relubbbus courts is sung and not spoken.

Each day a tune is selected from the Methodist Hymn Book and every word uttered must follow the tune of that selected hymn.

This practice dates back to the 18th century, when inveterate stammerer,  Madron Trembath (82), was called upon to give evidence.  Whilst Madron was sadly known to take up to twenty minutes to say so much as "Gordhewer da", yet he could sing as fluently and as beautifully as a nightingale.

Mr Justice Horton Behenna then gave him special dispensation  to present his evidence in song.  It later became apparent that singing brought other advantages as well.

When one is concentrating on following a tune, it becomes more difficult to dissemble or lie - the increased mental focus thus gives rise to more honest utterances.  With keen Methodist judges in control of the Relubbus courts, it was not long until they ruled that everyone - including themselves - must make all utterances in song only.

As will now be readily appreciated, the focus in Relubbus courts is on stripping away all obstacles and impediments to clear perception of  the truth.

This is also reflected in the unusual dress code in court.  It is believed that being bare-legged provides a gentle reminder that we should all be as naked before the law.  It also has the huge advantage that everyone makes sure to wear clean underwear and this promotes a healthier atmosphere for all.

Mr Justice Standfast Pengelly (56), resplendent in freshly washed and ironed underpants, sang out the following comment to the tune of Charles Wesley's "Author of faith", which is no. 362 in the Methodist Hymn Book:

"The smellinere av gottalot better neow.  Time was you'd aff choke when summa they crimnals wasineer!"

Attendance at the courts is now one of the biggest tourist attractions in Relubbus, with all public gallery spaces in the Relubbus Central Criminal Court fully booked right up to the end of 2015.

So book now, if you want a seat in 2016!

UK ELECTION REPORT

From Chief Political Editor Denzil Archilaus Treglown-Trevail, shown here reading his own article

The countdown to the Westminster elections has begun and the political parties are flexing their muscles for the quinquennial "I'm tons better than you" playground tussle, which is relied upon to deliver government in the UK.  Well, you get what you deserve!

Meanwhile UK citizens look, in a mix of stupefaction and sheer envy, at Relubbus, and the benevolent dictatorship of  His Sereneness Grand Council Leader Billy Spargo (124), whose charmed presence causes the state of Relubbus to rise from strength to strength.

Accordingly, we take a look at how the UK election is shaping up in Cornwall, also taking the the time to look a little more closely at some of the fringe parties that are dreaming that now their time has come.

Whilst in the UK generally the Conswervative party seems to have managed to acquire a following of, at least, three or four in some major towns and cities, in the Duchy of Cornwall there are only two Conswervatives, shown here out canvassing. 

They are "Binky" Stopes-Mubbsley-Thorpe (31) and his old dormie pal, "Stinky" Chunderthwaite-Pithley-Twat (31).  Both chaps went to Eton College and had 'a damned good time'!  Both then went into City brokerage firms (co-incidentally owned  by their fathers) and, despite losing very large sums of money, still managed to secure "a bloody serious bonus, old chum!"

They are non-doms for UK tax purposes and insist that they maintain this unpopular tax-evading status only out of solidarity with the deputy chairman of the Conswervatives (Lawd Arsecross, 'the Belize Bulldozer') and not because it saves "absolutely spiffingly large wads of cash!"

Binky sums thing up for both of them when he says, "We chaps from Eton bloody well know what's good for us and also what's good for the oiks!  As good old Cammie-Khazi and Ozzie say - good Eton chaps both, don'tcha know - 'You can't get better than an Eton boater!' Vote Tory, we say!"

Many Kernow-watchers are amazed to discover that UKIP are at all active here, given that it is a party dominated by Little Englanders who don't care two hoots for Cornwall. 

It is also a source of open wonder that anyone in Cornwall can be found to stand for UKIP, when it is led by folk of the depressing calibre of the so dismally mentally-equipped Nige "Brain" Damage. 

Nige surpassed himself recently, when, clearly wetting himself with the excitement of being on camera again, he proceeded to insult the recently chosen, and now wholly bemused, European President, the Right Herbert Rumpy Pumpy.  Struggling to contain himself, Nige stated that Herbert had the charisma of a wet rag and the appearance of a low grade bank clerk, wholly overlooking the fact that he himself had the charisma of a low grade bank clerk and was obviously apparelled in very recently wetted rags. 

Clearly, in the European Parliament as elsewhere, birds of a feather will flock together.  Pundits reckon that, with administering of enough medication, UKIP could garner as many as 6, or possibly 7, votes in Cornwall.

The Methodist Fundamentalist Party (MFP), led by the Ayafella Oweedoinov AlKammbronn (150), has a strong following all over Cornwall.  Unlike mainstream Methodists, the MFP (sometimes known as the 'Cornish Taliban') represent an extreme form of their faith. 

They are utterly opposed to "drinkon', dancon', gamblon' and any wurkatha devil".  This latter category includes Darwin's teachings, Tesco, the motor car, toothpaste and the internet. 

The MFP stands for the banning of all English influences in Cornwall and for the introduction of pasties as the obligatory daily midday meal.  Everyone will be required to consume, at least, a "quarter a cream" daily. 

The MFP's election campaign is in the capable hands of Tommy Trembath (32) and his friend Billy Jory (29), pictured above.  The MFP is reckoned to be able to command 7.5% of the Cornish vote.

Druids of the Lodge of the Heamoor Bus Stop are campaigning on a pagan ticket. Their leader, Archdruid Lenny Gwavas (68) believes that the dawning of the age of druidism in Cornwall is nigh.  Fervent nationalists, they also believe that Cornwall should adopt paganism as the state religion once independence has been achieved.

Lenny himself is standing in the St Ives constituency and is relying on "they dencin' girls tuh bring in the votes fer we". 

Lenny has a group of five ladies who energetically campaign for him throughout West Penwith.  These ladies - all of whom work in Morrison's - are pictured here dancing at an election rally at the Minack.  For decency's sake, they are pictured here before they reached the nude sequence of their "offering in dance". 

They are, from the left, Rose Trenwith (62), Letitia Lutey (55), Geraldine Wakfer (72), Marcia Pender (63) and David Bolitho (53).  Lenny is confident that he will secure at least five votes.

Most people probably didn't even know that there was a Gay Shellfish-Processors Party (GSP) and some doubt its ability to appeal to those outside its primary target group of homosexuals employed in the shellfish processing industry. 

However the GSP candidate, Willy Trezise (43), pictured here with his husband, Billy Pender, is confident that the GSP will win in West Penwith.

He modestly declares, "I gotunall sussed out.  I aren't prejudiced 'genst people 'oo aren't queer.  They kent 'elpit.  Live and let live, tha's what I duh say.  Free bus travel fer Cornish people throughout the worl'.  Abolish income tax fer everyone 'oodern less than £25,000 a year.  Intreduce income tax o' 99% fer all they buggers 'oodern morn £30,000 a year.  Intreduce wealth tax o' £50,000 a year ferall they buggers 'oo got 'ouse worth morn £500,000.  I'll sortunall out faree!"

Election watchers estimate that the GSP will secure around 23% of the Cornish vote.

RELUBBUS BUSINESS NEWS

By Business Correspondent O. P. Opie

These pages are usually given over to descriptions of the latest colourful power moves by local magnates such as Mr R.C. Oates and Mr W.G. Trevaskis, whose constant battles for supremacy in the hothouse that is Relubbus' business life are marked by daily cuts and thrusts that send the stockmarkets aspin.

Today, however, we take a look at some of the promising younger businesses in Relubbus that might offer the adventurous investor the opportunity of a lifetime.

Each business is the creation of an inspired young local entrepreneur and we have invited each of them to introduce their business here.

R.U. Bent (23) ("Call me "Rodney!') is a sensitive young man whose extreme closeness to his feminine side made growing up on Gwavas Estate more challenging than would otherwise have been the case.

Two years ago he set up Tranny Taxis of Newbridge and is hugely proud of the 12 car fleet he now has to offer his many clients.  All the drivers are either transsexuals or transvestites and all of them hold advanced driver's licences as well as qualifications in emergency make-up and 'rescue' fashion advice.

Rodney freely admits that he borrowed heavily on the business model of the unexpectedly lucrative Gay Taxi Company of Long Rock, but as he boldly states "There's 'nuff room fer both o' we.  We's Penwith is 'eavin wi' queer folk."

C.E. Drekkly (29) is a Rosudgeon man.  On leaving prison after serving a 6 year sentence for embezzlement and aggravated lies and deception, Charlie found that many doors were closed to him --  including those of his former professions of spiritual healer and financial adviser.

He quickly realised that he would have to employ himself - to set up his own business.  He hit upon the idea of providing hot air balloon trips and thus Bodrifty Family Hot Air Balloons was born.  Bodrifty balloons are launched at Lands End.

The 'basket'is a normal hot air balloon basket, but the  'lift' is provided by 16 helium-filled party balloons. This severely restricted lift potential tends to lead to an automatic fall, once the basket is pushed off the edge of the cliff, but it is sufficient to ensure that the descent is not as dangerously rapid as it might otherwise be.

However, the sensation of travel has been exciting enough to attract thousands of people (all emmets to date) to part with the necessary £1,400, which is the cost of this one way -- and, indeed, in 98% of cases, final -- trip.  Says Charlie, "I emt never looked back; the moneyz pourin' in!"
 

M. T. Head (32) ("Mos' people duh jes' call me Mike!") of Trewern Jailbird House Cleaning Service (TJHCS) has concerned himself with a challenge very similar to that solved by Charlie - namely how to find gainful employment for those newly released from prison, particularly in the case of those who have served time for extremely violent crimes.

Mike came up with the brilliant idea of using violent ex-cons in house cleaning, as they tend to have spent a large period of time in a confined space, which most of them have become anal about keeping clean.

Thus TJHCS was born and it now supplies house cleaning services from Lands End almost up as far as Truro.  The service is available at just £4 per hour and those concerned about their personal safety should take comfort in the fact that only 13% of the customer base has taken a bashing from their cleaners and there have been as yet no fatalities.  Says Mike, "The buzness is rockin' 'ere.  We're coinin' it in!  I've booked up fer 7 days 'oliday over Sennen.  Cash on the nail!"

E. B. Nigh (53) of Nancegollan offers Christian Car Cleaning and Gardening Services.  Edward ("Call me 'Teddie'") Nigh has been a sidesman at Chapels all over West Penwith and he is also a keen singer of hymns.  It was after morning service at Nancegollan Methodist Chapel that he was inspired to set up a car cleaning and gardening services company staffed solely by Methodist fundamentalists, who would carry out their work whilst singing hymns selected by their customers from the Methodist Hymn Book.

The business has boomed.  He now has 746 singing employees out working for the company and praising the Lord all over Cornwall.  It is expected that the service will launch out over the Tamar into England next month.

Negotiations have also been held with the Liechtenstein Lutheran Church to import this successful recipe for 'working whilst praising' into that country.

X. S. Wind (45) of Boskednan Dolls is a contented man.  Xenophon, or "Xen" as he likes to be known, worked for many years on the cheese counter in the lower Kwop in Penzance, where he achieved a notoriety for not wearing trousers.  Then came the moment when he got the idea of setting up his own company.

He says, "Th'idea come to me in a flash - get your kids interested in the wider worl' with Cuddly Political Dolls!!"

From his Boskednan headquarters and factory (employing 2,500 people) his company now turns out thousands of versions of dolls of  'Cute Lovable Margaret Thatcher, Romantic Arthur Scargill, 'Brummie boy' idol Enoch Powell, 'Big softie really' Bob Crow and soulful Melanie Philips. Apparently, the favourite doll is Daring Dick Cole, set to become an MP, overseas in Westminster.

Xen asks us to point out that the 'adult' version of the inflatable Margaret Thatcher doll is now available for men (3 A4 batteries provided, but no bicycle pump.  He further advises that the sell-out 'adult' version of the inflatable Margaret Beckett doll is now out of stock.

UPROAR UP CHAPEL!!

On Thursday evening, crowds of worshippers flocked to what should have been just another ordinary choir practice at the 50,000 seater Methodist Central Hall in Boswedden Lane, when news leaked out of a dramatic spat between a worship leader and the organist at this centre of Cornish Methodism.

Choir practice is usually attended by just the 400 strong choir. However, news of serious altercations between two leading figures attracted a crowd of several thousand concerned and curious Methodists.

Worship Leader, Agnes Penberthy (91) of Colinsey Road, Penzance is alleged by one witness (Maude Tregellis, (89)) to have given a “poke in the eye” to the organist, Madron Tregellis, because he had disagreed with her choice of hymns and refused to play the music for them, which led to a protracted and heated exchange of un-Christian expressions, culminating in the alleged poke.

According to Ms Penberthy’s civil partner, Audrey Hicks (79), Mr Tregellis (pictured here on the left) yelled out, “I aren’t gunna ‘ave she ‘it me li’ gat!” before striking her across the face.

Ms Hicks then admits that she “laid into that bugger Tregellis with my stick till ‘ee went ovver!”

Ms Tregellis (the organist’s sister) confessed “I lost it completely when that cow ‘it my brother with ‘er stick and tha’s why I bit ‘er ear off!”

An unseemly all-in geriatric fight ensued, which was only broken up by the timely arrival of officers of the Relubbus police.

When informed of the event, the Minister, His Holiness Methuselah Metherell (70) decreed that this unseemly disagreement in the House of the Lord could not be put to rights in the civil courts, but that it must be sorted out where it started ‘Up Chapel’.

Thus the scene was set for the intended great reconciliation at choir practice on Thursday evening, which drew the huge crowds.

Under the fearsome eye of the Minister, the sinning duo of organist and worship leader approached the pulpit in a numbing silence transfused with the tingling pent up excitement of the thousands of onlookers. Then, unable to contain her anger management problem any longer, Ms Hicks yelled out, “Gwon Agnes, whack the bugger again!”

As if she had been waiting for the cue, Ms Penberthy (pictured here in happier days) drew back her walking stick as if to strike a blow and, in so doing, overbalanced and fell hard against a pew, knocking herself out.

The booming sound of Minister Metherell's bass voice then rang out across the mass of startled faces, "Es yo, behold the Lord 'ave spoke!!"

Peace then descended upon the chapel again.

GOODWIN TO BE SUED IN RELUBBUS COURTS

Sir ‘Right Said Fred’ Goodwin, the much-disgraced former CEO of the British banking giant, Royal Bank of Scotland (RBS), is to be sued in the Relubbus Courts by shareholders under the feared provision of ‘bleddy reckless incompetence’ under Relubbus law.

Goodwin (now universally referred to as 'Badloss') is pictured here on the left, in much happier times back in 2006, when he had just received the news that he was being paid more than any other individual in British banking.

Relubbus has been chosen for this action, because of the retention of capital punishment for certain ‘grave offences’.

It is thought likely that Goodwin will have to appear before the unforgiving presence of Chief Justice Horton “’Ang’em all!” Tresidder (111).

Tresidder, a member of the feared Methodist Fundamentalist group, ‘the Golems’, dispenses a form of justice more in keeping with Sharia law, though a good deal more extreme, than with any notions of Western justice.

Judge Tresidder insists on a minimum of corporal punishment for all who come before his court, even if they are innocent, “to teach them respect for the law”. Tresidder retains his own cat o’nine tails for this purpose.

Tresidder is famed for his frequent insistence upon ‘double beheading’. His chief executioner, ‘Mad’ Madron Maddern (59), explains this ancient practice thus: “You gotta cut the’ead off clean in one go, scoop’n up quick, sew ‘n on again and chop ‘n off again bleddy quick!”

Maddern can apparently perform this amazing act within 2 minutes, although he remains very keen to try to better his record. Maddern is also extremely adroit in the practice of scrotal resurfacing (using a strong hydrochloric acid wash), which he usually administers to suspects to make them talk and sometimes just for fun. Maddern is known to have been on to the suppliers recently to top up supplies.

The famous Relubbus Human Rights Organisation, “Wha’s goin' on ‘eera?”, led by Miss Peggy Trevanion (75) from ‘up ‘Eamoor, who herself lost a considerable sum as an RBS shareholder, said “I’m sure Goodwin ‘ll get what ee duh deserve from Mr Justice Tresidder and from young Maddern!”

Justice Tresidder had much of his pension invested in RBS shares and therefore is able to identify with the sense of loss felt by many RBS shareholders. Maddern too had the whole of his pension stored in RBS shares and is keen to be able to get to know Goodwin.

This sense of association, in both men, with the plight of other shareholders and with those who had invested parts of their pension pots in RBS shares is greatly heightened by the fact that car-mad Goodwin seems to have managed to combine his startling act of ‘crashing’ the bank in a spectacular way with his amazing feat of walking away from the crash unscathed -- and with a huge personal pension in addition to the millions he had managed to acquire from the bank over the years whilst he was building up a tremendous speed for a good crash.

Goodwin, who has taken an up-front payment of nearly £3 million from his overgenerous pension pot "to meet the odd household expense", was seemingly unfazed by all the fuss about the bank’s crash and the wrecked lives of shareholders, staff and customers.

Speaking from the Maldives – to which he had flown in his personal jet – ‘to get away from it all’, Goodwin remarked, “I am not a bitter man, although I have good cause to be.

"If I could have stayed at RBS, I would be hauling in a good £4 million per year basic and I have now had to kiss goodbye to all that! I have told the wife that there is now every chance that I will have to give up the yacht".

Goodwin's maritime run-around, named "Thank you Darling" (believed to be a reference to the Chancellor) was built for him on the Clyde at a cost of £5 million.

Disconsolately, he sipped his Chateau Lafite Rothschild Pauillac 1996 straight from the bottle via his diamond-encrusted golden straw and mused that he could only thank the lord that he had been able to stash away so much money in the good years, since he was now looking at a very bleak future in which he would be forced to keep going on a paltry pension of just £703,000 a year.

However, the millions he had managed to salt away over the ten years at the wheel of RBS provided consoling thoughts …….until the doughty Roundup reporter, who had rowed out from Lamorna for the interview, broke the shock news of his summons before the Relubbus courts.