LOOKING FOR LOVE IN RELUBBUS?

We all lead very busy lives these days and some people simply do not get the time to explore society and find ‘the one’ for them. That is where the Relubbus Roundup can make a real difference to your life. In our pages you can advertise to find that perfect soulmate or you can simply browse the entries and maybe – all of a sudden - you will find the right him/her/it looking back at you.

Lucinda Lavinia Liddicoat (27) -- or ‘Triple L’ to her friends -- is a cheery girl, who ‘likes to live it large’. By day she is a conscientious wig-maker, with a special and highly sought-after skill in producing perukes and toupees for bald hamsters. However, as soon as she catapults out of the wig factory in Hayle at 5 pm prompt each evening, she is out for fun, fun, fun. Our photo shows this delightful damsel lining up a few drinks after work for her and her best friend, Tamsin Trevelyan, in the flat they share in Tolroy.

Triple L would like to meet a young man with his own Reliant Robin car (her dream motor). Reluctant to smile because she has no teeth, she would ideally like to meet a toothless young man of her own age. “We’d be equal then, an’ jes’ think of the slobbery snoggin’ we’d ’ave!” If you are a young RR owner with no teeth and would like to give Triple L a go, then ‘phone her on Hayle 56 32 56.

Glorious leggy blonde bombshell Patricia Trembath (25) from up Pendeen, seen here trying to chat up an off duty policeman is a lonely girl! Patricia, or ‘Trishy’, as she likes to be called, is 11 foot 6 ins tall and this has made it difficult for her to make men friends.

Trishy is an enthusiastic, but sadly unaccomplished, trombone player, adores Scrabble and keeps earwigs as pets. Tone deafness does not prevent her from trying to sing and she can often be heard loudly trilling her tuneless drone whilst out and about on the roads of West Penwith, where she has a job as a telegraph pole polisher.

Trishy’s dream is to meet a young man of her own height, preferably from Pendeen. However, suitors from Botallack or even Zennor might also be considered. If this is you then ‘phone Trishy on Pendeen 56 82 13.

Binkie Behenna (22) is an enterprising young lady from New Mill. Although so young, she already runs her own mobile budgerigar insemination, grooming, and burial business, which goes by the name of “Pretty Boy”.

Being a very busy local businesswoman, she does not have the time to explore the ‘local scene’ to find a man. She says, “Looks aren’t important, I’m more interested in what’s inside the man’s trousers than how they look!”

Unlike other one-legged people, Binkie likes to wear a prosthesis rather than hop, but she challenges you to guess from this photo which leg is the falsie! If Binkie sounds like she is the spunky sort of girl you are looking for and you like the cut of her jib, then ‘phone New Mill 65 12 87 (after 6.00 pm).

Huw Dewi ap Rhys (31) is the cultural attaché at the Welsh Embassy in Relubbus. A former male lap dancer from the Swansea docks, he got into working for the Welsh state after doing some private dancing for the Welsh Foreign Secretary, Lydia Thomas-Jones (67). Relubbus is his second posting, having already served in the Welsh Embassy in Bolivia, which he had to leave in something of a hurry, following the circulation of unsubstantiated lascivious stories connecting him to Lucia de Lozada, the 97 year old mother of the leader, Felipe de Lozada, of the UNRSB (the Radical National Socialist Union of Bolivia).

Huw is newly arrived in Relubbus and would like to meet Cornish women of any age. However, he says that he would particularly welcome hearing from young women born in the years from 1908 to 1913. ‘Phone Huw on Relubbus 65 43 91.

Conan Penglaze (74) is a former window fitter from Madron. Conan is an enthusiastic pipe-smoker and gets through 2 oz of St Bruno flake a day. Conan has designed a ‘two-tube’ pipe so that his ‘beloved’, when he meets her, can share the same pipe as him . He has even built in a facility so that the smokers can switch tubes and share dottle, the essence of sharing love for Conan.

Not a man given to many social graces, Conan seeks a woman who can cook, do his washing, attend to his needs and, as he is getting on a bit, who is also handy around the garden. He doesn’t like women who ‘jabber on’. Conan listens to Radio Cornwall all day, and his perfect day consists of sitting in his favourite chair in his long johns enjoying his pipe. If this sounds like the sort of homely man you would like in your home, then ‘phone Madron 64 59 23, being prepared to shout.

Abner Bollock, (43) is a divorced former triangle tuner (now jobseeker) from Prospidnick. Abner used to be married to June, before she left him only six days after they married in 1989, having spent his inheritance in Las Vegas during their honeymoon. Since then he has been trying to pluck up courage to ‘try again’.

Abner lives with his Aunt Dolly in an unconverted barn. Interested females should be aware that Aunt Dolly is a ventriloquist’s dummy and that Abner has got into the habit of long conversations with “Enty” ever since he lost his last job in 1995. Abner says, “The bottom fell out of triangle tuning and now we ‘ave the credit crunch! I aren’t givin’ up yet though – I still got ‘ope!”

Ladies who are drawn to this fascinating beacon of belief in a better world are advised that he has no ‘phone and that they should simply knock the door of the Old Barn, Shite Lane, Prospidnick.