PLANNING NEWS
Shock Plans for a bypass over St. Michael's Mount unveiled today
By guest reporter Horton Tregarthen
Greater Relubbus Urban Council (GRUC) today put on show to the public the recently emergency-approved plans for the new Marazion bypass, which is, controversially, routed via St. Michael's Mount. The GRUC's Department of Transport, whose 96-storey building looms ominously over its neighbours in Ludgvan, announced that the new 8-lane highway will be known as the M2001.
Local resident Mr Lord Tommy St. Levan commented that the new road "will be proper for me to git home early from Safeway". Mr St Levan works as a trolley stacker in the Safeway car park.
However, other local residents have pointed out a potentially fatal flaw in the bypass plan, arising from the fact that the Channel will flood the new highway twice a day. Departmental spokeswoman Miss Ethel Bolitho laughingly dismissed these concerns by pointing out that the highway would be closed to traffic for several hours a day "till ee duh dry up a bit". She then amended this statement to say that the highway would have to be raised on a bridge (to bring it roughly to a level with the castle, through which it will pass).
Long Rock councillor Master Billy Bolitho reacted to this news with a considered statement to the effect that "my bleddy Enty is nuts. They want to 'ave a tunnel -- that'll keep the traffic moving".
The National Trust, owners of the treasured historic landmark that is St Michael's Mount, have insisted on certain minimal provisions to protect this glorious jewel of our Cornish heritage. They have insisted that the highway shall incorporate flowerbeds and magnolia trees along the central reservation. They have also advertised for volunteer stewards to keep a look out for non-members gaining access to the highway, which passes through the Mount's ancient chapel. "If they duh want t' cum through ‘ere, they duh ‘ave to be members!", stated an insistent Trencrom Polglaze of the Cornish National Trust.
LATE NEWS
Roundup informant Miss Tryphena Spargo-Spargo-Spargo, niece of Billy Spargo, the Chairman of GRUC, has stated that when she was last visiting her Uncle Billy she sneaked a view at the latest Council minutes, and that these stated:
"The tollgate machines for the the new bypass are situated 100 feet above ground (or sea, depending upon the tide). At high tide, all cars failing to display a Kernow sticker will be dropped below."
Further news on this to follow.
BYPASS FOR ST. MICHAEL'S MOUNT!
"PAUNCHO" PENDER'S HEALTH TIPS
Lifestyle Guru Pauncho Pender is interviewed by Hilary Trelissick
Today, the Roundup's resident health professional gives you his top ten tiptop tips to keep you fit throughout the whole of this year.
Pauncho is not your normal, snotty-nosed, talk-down-to-you, 23-year-old skinny bitch, who raves on about drinking only carrot juice and munching raw parsnips. Pauncho is a 35-year-old man of the world who likes a drink and a smoke.
His Christmas and New Year festivities have been hall-marked by his customary drunken over-indulgence. His clothes bear testimony to his gourmandising extravaganzas at this time of year.
In an exclusive interview with the Roundup's very own Hilary Trelissick over the odd early morning "wake-up" drink, Pauncho shares with you some of the secrets that have helped him keep trim and young-looking for his 35 years.
MY TIPS FOR KEEPING YOU TIP-TOP FIT!
1. You need to abide by a responsible drinking code in order to get yourself in trim healthwise this year. This means that you will have to regulate your drinking. To kick off with, you should not have your first drink before 9.00am.
2. You must pace yourself. Don't overdo it -- no more than three bottles an hour, if on the beer, and keep the whisky chasers down to no more than 5 an hour. If on the wine, you will need to keep down to LESS than two bottles before 12.00.
3. Have a light lunch. If you find yourself consuming more than two plates of fish and chips at lunch time, you are over-eating! As it is lunch time, you can have a few more drinks or two. If you have kept your morning drinking under control as recommended above, you can reward yourself at lunchtime by letting yourself go -- though not too far, especially if you have to drive back to work for the afternoon.
4. Afternoon drinking should also be kept under control, while you are living under my fitness regime. If you are in work, you cannot be seen to be constantly going to the toilets, or worse, leaving puddles. The way round this is to keep on spirits.
5. If you are in a people-contact profession, such as medicine, dentistry, and suchlike, you will need to keep a good supply of mints with you, as patients don't like the idea of being in the care of somebody under the influence -- especially if you are a surgeon.
6. All members of the opposite sex often seem to be far more attractive when you've had a few. It is a good idea to try to memorise a list of the OK ones and of the dogs at the beginning of the day, when the judgement is firmer and then stick to it, no matter what. So remember, if she makes you think "walkies!" at the beginning of the day, then hold that thought no matter what.
7. A lot of people advocate a rigorous exercise regime to get you in trim and I regret that you will not be hearing a different tune from me! Instead of leaving empties about the place, you should collect them all -- daily -- and drive to the "offie", taking care not to park right in front of the door so that you will have to walk just a few feet more in order to get the empties in and the replacements out. You should be aiming to do no less than 30 yards extra walking per day! It might sound like tough love, but it is in your interest!
8. We all know that you need to line your stomach with a good fry-up each day, but you must remember that I am giving you diet advice for your own good, when I say to you that you should keep the fried eggs down to no more than four and the number of bacon rashers down to UNDER eight each day. It's only for a month and then you can let go!
9. Evening meals will also call for the exercise of some restraint. I am going to ask you to eat no more than one large pizza per day. You needn't worry about the impact on your health -- you won't shrivel away on this diet -- it should be enough to sustain you and it is only for a month! The sugar on the pill is that you can drink as much as you like in the evening -- no work till tomorrow, so go for it, boy!
10. The last tip is a simple, well-known one -- "it is better out than in". It is the best 'gas management' plan there has ever been. We are talking good health here, so wherever you are and whether the gas is seeking upper or lower release (or perhaps even both simultaneously), let it rip! You will feel better and it will do you good!
Pauncho and the Roundup wish you a happy and HEALTHY 2008!
