YES!!!!! THE ROUNDUP IS BACK .......AND NEWS INTERNATIONAL IS DOWN AND OUT

The Roundup offers sincere apologies for its recent enforced period of 'radio silence'.

This was caused by the unfortunate, and, in our view, wholly unwarranted detention of the entire Roundup reporting and production team.  We had planned an editorial 'Awayday' and picnic at Hayle Towans.  This proved to be an unwise choice of venue.

Readers will know that it situated in The People's Republic of Hayle, which is ruled by eccentrically coiffeured but steely Stalinist dictator and mummy's boy, Tregavarah Ventongimps (42), pictured here on the left.

The oversensitive Ventongimps, who was angered at our frequent references to his exotic combover hairstyle, immediately gave orders for our arrest and detention on learning that the Roundup crew were consuming pasties in the summer rain on the towans.

We were taken to a bleakly dark granite building in Copperhouse, where we were incarcerated and destined to be  forgotten  Indeed, one of our number heard the unmistakably evil and high pitched voice of Ventongimps himself as he commanded his minions to 'thraw they bleddy keys away!"

However, we were not forgotten  by the good people of Relubbus. 

At the personal command of the esteemed leader of the Greater Relubbus Urban Council (GRUC), Councillor Billy Spargo (131) the security service of the state of Relubbus (Mr Ernie Pascoe (33)) was instructed to discover our whereabouts.

It took him just months to track us down using a combination of painstakingly tenacious detective work, satellite spy skullduggery and the inimitable skills of 'Dippy', the three-legged champion sniffer dog.

Told of our fate fate, Spargo lost no time in despatching the crack 'S' squad of the Relubbus Military Police to effect a daredevil rescue.

Agents Dick Harvey and Harvey Dick then effected a night operation to secure our release, which they successfully completed thanks in great part to the efforts of their specially trained getaway horse, 'Orsie'.

Frail as a result of our ordeal we will be resuming a halting, irregular but dependable service.

The Roundup remains, as ever , at your service!!

WATCH OUT JAMIE OLIVER!!  HERE COMES NIGEL BATTEN!!

Nigel Batten (19) is, according to his mother Sandra, Relubbus' answer to Jamie Oliver.

Older readers will recall that Sandra herself achieved some degree of fame, if not notoriety, for her invention of 'Cledra Cola, an intriguing brown drink of pungently stirring natural ingredients  produced in Nancledra on her cousin's farm.

The purgative claims made for the drink were no exaggeration, but so efficacious was it in its cleansing properties that it always required a prolonged hospital stay afterwards to recover from it.

Sandra maintains that it was only for this reason, and not as a result of any discussions which may or may not have taken place with the inspection and prosecution department of the Relubbus Institute of Clinical Hygiene and Health (RICHH) that 'Cledra Cola disappeared overnight from the shelves.

Sandra is now working on  a new version of 'Cledra Cola and promises that we can all expect a big launch next spring.

Meanwhile, all eyes are on her son, Nigel.

This enigmatic boy, who went to school in Prospidnick and was marked out by his already fearful teachers as 'one to watch' is poised to take the culinary world by storm.

In fact he says that he is going to turn the pasty world upside down!

"People ebbent never seen pasties like they ones I'm bringin' out!" he declared.

Told by his mother to 'shut yer big gob!" and not spill the beans before the big launch next week at the flagship Boswedden Lane R C Oates Superstore, Nigel obediently stopped talking immediately. We can exclusively reveal that the revolutionary new range of Batten pasties - to be sold under the catchy slogan of 'Batten down yer 'atch' - will include inspired novelties such as deep-fried pasties, pasties on a stick and pasties in coloured icing for special occasions such as Pirates rugby matches.

Production will admittedly be rather limited at the outset, since Nigel's girlfriend, Lorraine, is currently the only one producing the pasties.

Nigel describes himself as "th' ideas man and marketin' genius be'ind the 'ole operation!"

However, he fully expects to be employing over 2,000 people in  pasty production within just a matter of weeks.

Cornishwomen everywhere are invited to consider contributing their pasty-making skills to this great new venture.  Wages - in excess of 10p per hour - are expected to be paid.  

If you want to see and sample the wares, be at R C Oates Superstore in Relubbus next Tuesday at 10.00 am!

HAVE YOU GOT WHAT IT TAKES TO BE A VOLUNTEER CHAPEL ASSISTANT??

Following the sad passing of Walter Gerontius Penberty at the ripe old age of 124, a vacancy has now arisen in the Union of West Penwith Methodist Chapels for a Volunteer Chapel Assistant.

Walter is shown here on the left in his favourite picture, which was taken whilst he was a schoolboy at the Prospidnick Academy  for Lads with Attention Deficit Disorder.

The post of Volunteer Chapel Assistant is one which Walter has held with pride for the last 34 years of his long life, following his retirement at the age of 94 after a successful career as a trapeze artist with the R C Oates Travelling Circus, which is hugely popular all year round from the Lizard to St Agnes to Lands End.

The important job of Volunteer Chapel Assistant - or VCA - involves servicing the needs of all the chapels in the West Penwith Area by undertaking sundry duties for them all every Sunday.

In view of the distance between the chapels, the job requires the services of an energetic person, who is in possession of a speedy bicycle, preferably one with gears.

Since the position is voluntary, it carries no remuneration.  However, since the Chapel Assistant will be servicing the needs of congregations of sometimes in excess of 9 people, he - or she - can be sure of a lot of heartfelt gratitude.

The post is expected to attract many applicants and selection will be made by the following means:

There will be an on-line test to get numbers down to a final 500.

There will then be a series of telephone interviews to get the numbers down to a final 20.

The lucky 20 will then be interviewed by Mrs Betty Peninula (97) (pictured) and her talking budgie "Pretty Boy" to choose the final 6.

The final 6 will then be interviewed by the Reverend Madron Bolitho.

If you think that you have got what it takes, you are welcome to try for the job.

For each of the 20 chapels every Sunday, you must undertake most, and sometimes all, of the following duties:

• Put the hymns up
• Pump up the organ
• Arrange the flowers
• Polish the collection plate
• Take up the collection
• Act as sidesman
• Manage the communion wine (ensuring that it is strictly non-alcoholic)
• Wash and clean glasses
• Polish the Minister's shoes
• Be on hand to take the blame if the Minister has an unfortunate loud farting incident during prayers
• Plan the Sunday School treat
• Manage the Sunday School treat
• Be the Sunday School Superintendent
• Take all the Sunday School classes
• Tend the chapel garden
• Mow the lawn
• Sweep the pavement
• Sing in the choir (as bass, tenor, alto or soprano as required)
• Take the occasional service
• Be the congregation
• Open up chapel
• Lock up chapel

If you would like to be considered, send a stamped addressed envelope with a cheque for £375 to the Union of West Penwith Methodist Chapels, Boswedden lane, Relubbus.

FURORE AT RADIO RELUBBUS OVER CONTROVERSIAL NEWS DELIVERY

A right royal furore has broken out over plans at Radio Relubbus  to introduce a revolutionary news service to deliver the daily news in mime instead of via the spoken word.

The man at the centre of the storm is one Pierre Lello (24), a former hairdresser and airline steward, whose last and sadly unsuccessful business venture was the operation of a 24 hour emergency manicure consultancy for men.

Following the speedy demise of all his previous employment escapades, Pierre (who was born and known as Cyril Pascoe before he relaunched himself as a mime artiste) was desperately looking around for a job that would fully draw on his sensitive and artistic temperament.

Considering the matter with his civil partner, Rodney Rollocks (57), he hit upon the novel idea of delivering the radio  news in mime.  Pierre judged that this role would fully call on his capacity for grace and delicacy of movement.  Give his pronounced stutter, mime would remove any focus on the spoken word (of which there would be none) and transfer the entirety of listener attention to the "general drift of the news as expressed in  mime."

Mr Rollocks, who happened to be Diversity Director at Radio Relubbus, gave his partner every encouragement and, given his role at the radio, managed to procure the opportunity for Pierre to transmit the 6 o' clock news.

Unfortunately, mime does not lend itself well to the medium of radio.  All over Relubbus people were turning up their radios in a vain attempt to hear the news, which was being artistically, but silently, transmitted by Pierre.  Alas, no one could hear a thing.

When the Leader of the Greater Relubbus Urban Council (GRUC) Councillor Billy Spargo (93) switched on his set to hear the news, he was infuriated firstly to hear nothing and then secondly to be told, on 'phoning up the radio station, that the news was being delivered in mime.

An exasperated Spargo declared "What a bleddy silly idea!  I kent bleeve it! What asshole thought that this was a good idea?!"

Both Mr Rollocks and Mr Lello have now had to speedily leave the employ of Radio Relubbus and are now seeking new career paths.

TREMBATH SORTS OUT THE BANKERS

GRUC Treasury Councillor, Clem Trembath (71) is cracking down on bankers' bonuses.

Trembath - pictured here at an "Eat a Whopper" pasty supper last week at Prospidnick Women's Institute - is a Methodist local preacher who has often been heard to rail against the excesses of Mammon.

The new round of bonuses set to sweep over Coinagehall Street - the renowned financial district in Relubbus just off fashionable Boswedden Lane - would see some £73 billion being shared out amongst the 15,000 investment bankers who work in 'Coinage City'.

This has been a cause of disquiet among many citizens of Relubbus, since it was the bankers who so recently caused the one and only financial crisis in Relubbus history, when imprudent lending and greed brought the banks to their knees, requiring hundreds of billions of Relubbus taxpayers' money to prop them up.

Picking up on the public mood, a recent full GRUC meeting, at which Mr Trembath spoke without notes and without pause for four hours, concluded that such bonuses were obscene and "the work of the divil."

In a subsequent shock statement to the financial press, Trembath announced that a special tax at a rate of 99.999% will be levied on the bonuses reducing the pool to a mere £730, which means that each banker will now receive just 5 pence each.

When the news was heard in Coinagehall Street, it did not go down very well at all. Some bankers even threatened to emigrate to England, where they said they could find work in the secondary financial centre of the City of London. This prompted the comment from the "Gland Old Man" of Relubbus politics, Councillor Billy Spargo himself:  "Sod off and good luck to you!"

The additional tax revenue - amounting to the best part of £73 billion - is to be split three ways between the Fund for Fallen Women in Sancreed, the Relubbus Club for Octogenarian Subaquatic Gymnastics and the Fund for Free Sunday School Treats for Methodist Children.

ADVERTISEMENT

Relubbus Furniture Store Sale - now in its 987th week!!!!

At RFS we have amazing offers instore, which give you 10 years interest-free credit with no payments for the first three years on desirable items such as:-

This hand-crafted wood-effect chair can be yours for as little as £15 - with nothing to pay for 3 years and interest free credit for an amazing 10 years!!

This amazing sofa - rendered in lasting plastique - can be yours to take home for just £34 - with absolutely nothing to pay for 3 years and with interest-free credit for an unbelievable 10 years!!

(Doris Treglown, our model, would like to point out that she has her own rates, which are available on request).

APPEAL FOR MISSING DOG

Supporters of a Mr Wallace - a baker and amateur politician from London - have launched an appeal to help find his missing dog, Gromit.

Mr Wallace, shown here in happier times, is absolutely bereft at the loss of his talented dog.  "He was like a brother to me", he said, amid floods of tears.

Mr Wallace is very attached to his hound and is said to rely on Gromit to help him keep his life in smooth running order.

Critics have said that, since Gromit jumped ship, Mr Wallace has come up with absolutely no ideas or, at best, only a few half-baked ones.

A sum of £13, a generous baker's dozen, will be the reward paid to anyone providing information on the whereabouts of Mr Wallace's dog, Gromit.

Gromit, pictured on the left, is instantly recognisable, since he has no mouth, which is quite unusual for a canine.

MORGAWR HERALDS AUSPICIOUS YEAR FOR CORNWALLl!!

The Morgawr has been sighted off Lands End and also at various points around Falmouth all this week.

Throughout Cornish history sightings of this fabled Cornish sea monster (pictured here in one of the earliest photographs from 1573) have always betokened auspicious events for the land of Kernow.

In particular, sightings of the so-called 'bespectacled Morgawr', which can grow up to 200 feet in length, are said to portend good things for the state of Relubbus.

This is perhaps just as well since 2011 is already shaping up to be an interesting year in which Relubbus begins to punch its full weight on the international stage.

Greater Relubbus Urban Council (GRUC) Leader, Billy Spargo (129) is back from his Christmas break, spent as usual in his luxury caravan (pictured) with his mother at Long Rock.

Fully relaxed after a week uninterrupted by international political considerations, he is now set on deploying the full economic and military might of Relubbus for the betterment of other nations.

First up in his sights is Russian Prime Minister and would-be gay pin-up, Vladimir Putin, whose crude old-style KGB bullying has blighted and stunted the post-Soviet development of Russia.

Putin is a crude crowbar autocrat, who curiously publishes semi-nude pictures of himself in a vain attempt to appeal to the members of the gay S&M scene of which he is so fond.

Putin has now drawn the opprobrium of all civilised nations for his Stalinist show trials of innocent mega-multibillionnaire Mikhail Khordokovsky, whose only crime was his refusal to bend before Putin.

Before being led back to his icy cell in Siberia, a defiant Khordokovsky called out that you can only get on in today's Russia if you are one of Putin's benders.

Spargo's first bold lightning strike was to expel all 295 Russian diplomats from Relubbus, to close down the embassy and to have the embassy site (pictured) bulldozed and turned into a mini-golf course for kiddies.

The dazed Russian diplomats were packed into Western National buses yesterday morning en route to Porthleven, where rowing boats awaited them for the long pull back to the port of St Petersburg.  The journey will take a little longer than normal as all the oars were removed from the boats.

The new mini-golf course was opened this morning by singing star, Roy Orbison.

In Moscow, a fleet of Ford Anglia Tenerifes whisked the 8 Relubbus diplomats away from Moscow and over the Finnish border before the Russians knew what was happening.

In a special move to punish Putin where it would hurt most, Spargo has also placed a Cornish travel embargo on the Putins.

The Russian Prime Minister and his wife Brian have a secret holiday dacha (now confiscated) in Toltuff Road, Penzance and like nothing better than to breeze up and down Market Jew Street, before entering their beloved Simpsons of Penzance, which has kitted them both out ever since Putin has had access to hard currency.

Spargo's second big international initiative is to announce that he has given the go ahead for the construction of a huge wooden bridge between Relubbus and Britanny.  This bold construction project will create the largest road and rail bridge in the world.  A photo of a much scaled down prototype is shown on the left.

In each direction there will be a 12 lane motorway  and four rail tracks.

At 10 mile intervals, there will be a motorway service island, each providing rest and retail opportunities for up to 10,000 cars and their occupants.  In Relubbus, the bridge will rise on what is now farmland next to Terminal 12 of the Relubbus International Airport.  In Britanny, it will come down at Landrellec beach.

The eye-catching bridge will rise quickly to a height of 400 feet so that shipping can easily pass underneath.

The sides of the bridge will be formed of embankments rising to a height of 60 feet and will be laid to lawns and gardens  so that no one gets dizzy at such a height. The embankments will also create a natural and comfortable bridge for wildlife to cross the channel in peace and quiet.

The roads and rail will be heated in winter so that they do not freeze and ducts will carry rainwater down to the sea through turbines, which will generate some of the power needed to run the services.

The rest of the power will be generated by wind turbines interspersed along the length of the bridge.

The building consortium of Oates & Trevaskis has stated that the work will commence in mid March and that it is expected to be fully completed by the end of April in time for the summer traffic.

The huge work force for this futuristic entirely wooden construction is said to include some 67 carpenters alone, together with two electricians and one plumber.

Contracts have been the subject of fierce competition, but we can announce that the winner of the hotly-contested hairdressing contract for the project has just been anounced to be Shelley's of St Just.

The ROUNDUP would like to wish all our readers a HAPPY NEW YEAR and we hope that both of them will enjoy good health and wealth the whole year through.

SPECIAL BILLY SPARGO EDITION

This week the Roundup looks at the central figure in the political, administrative, literary and social life of Relubbus.

The much celebrated Councillor Billy Spargo (129), shown here smiling for the camera as he sits at his work, is the ever youthful Leader of the Greater Relubbus Urban Council (GRUC).

Generations of people in Relubbus have grown up knowing no other leader in this proud independent state.   But few know the man behind the name and behind the statesman.

Accordingly, in this first part of a planned 9,675 part serialisation about the greatest man in Relubbus, we take a look at the human being behind the name.   This week we look at the Ladies' man.

Spargo is an honest man of the soil and only decided to go into politics after strong encouragement to do so from his Enty May and also from Queen Victoria and the then Pope. 

This tradition of support continues today as can be seen from this photo  of the present day Queen and Pope emerging gratefully from a recent audience they were granted with Councillor Billy Spargo. 

There were rumours about Spargo and Victoria and there have been rumours down the decades about the closeness of his relationship with royal ladies ever since.

Spargo is a man of regular and spartan habits.  He prides himself on taking a bath annually, although he abhors the use of soap as being something completely unnatural.  As he correctly points out, "There iddenuthin bout soap in the Garden of Eden, izza?!"

Despite the comparative rarity of this bathing event, there are 7 'Ladies of the bathchamber', whose job it is to ensure that the sundry deposits built up over the year are removed from the surface and various crevices of Councillor Spargo's body.

As you would only expect, there is great competition amongst the women of Relubbus for the signal honour of of being one of the chosen few.  There is an annual draw and thousands of hopefuls put their names forward, but only 7 are chosen.

The picture is of the current ladies of the bathchamber, who are, from the left, Lucy Trembath (23), Betsy Angwin (32), Agnes Trevorrow (62) with, behind her, Tamsin Chirgwin (39), Loveday Baragwaneth (21), Pammie Polkinghorne (29) and Linda Addicoat (40). 

Said spokeswoman Agnes, "'Sworth every minnut!  Ee's a real man, we ebbent nevver seen nuthin like it!  You'd nevver bleeve ee was 129 - more like 29.  Kept all o' we 'appy!"

One of the special rewards that go along with the honour is the right to bottle and sell the health-giving water in which the great man has bathed.  The claims made for the water are many.  It is reputedly a cure for the common cold, for hair loss, for problems 'down below', for flatulence and for 'feelinabit queer'.

Spargo's history with the ladies is the stuff of legend.  His reputed conquests range from Mrs Wallis Simpson (wife of King Edward VIII, not a lady of the family that owns the famous Penzance store!) to Mrs Rachele Mussolini, Ms Eva Braun, Mrs Jackie Kennedy, Madame Sarkozy, Helen Mirren and Mrs Lyudmila Putin.

Spargo has been married several times and has had many affairs, despite his punishing 18 hour day toiling for the people of Relubbus on Council business.  Members of the public may be wondering who might now be his current squeeze.

The Roundup can exclusively reveal that it is none other than intoxicatingly beautiful young Araminta Pengelly (23), a checkout operator from Long Rock.

Araminta, who attended Relubbus Comprehensive School and left with distinctions in advanced knitting, manicure and leafing through popular magazines, is trying to keep a low profile, as revealed by the picture on the left from a recent photoshoot. 

Araminta, a girl of few words, did coyly confess to looking forward to having her first Spargolet.  You read it here first!

Next week, we will be looking at Spargo, the man of letters.

TWINNING DISCOVERY THROWS LIGHT ON KERNOW'S ANCIENT PAST!!

Praze an Beeble may not, at first sight, strike many as being a place of ancient importance, but the Roundup can now exclusively reveal that it was once - 2,400 years ago - twinned with Peking in China.

Archaeologists, led by Professor Pender (pictured) have determined that stones - found down at the river Beeble - were, in fact part of an early laundry and takeaway complex operated by enterprising Chinamen in 400 BC, who formed part of a small colony, which was set up as part of the twinning agreement.

Some of the stones carry curious inscriptions in ancient Chinese, which bear testimony to this ancient twinning.

Academics from the Relubbus Almost-Free-But-Still-Charging-A-Bit-Like University have been working at the site for some weeks.

Included in the top academic team are  famed archaeologist Professor "Wiggy" Pender (62) and his 200 strong cohort of expert diggers.

Also there is acclaimed sinologist Professor "Chinky" Chynoweth (84) (pictured) together with his hand-picked team of China experts.

Together this incomparable duo have discovered a wealth of information drawn largely from the long-hidden and well-preserved inscriptions on the many stones that are a key part of the site. One of the stones bears a likeness of the person who is believed to have led this small Chinese colony.  Beneath the picture is inscribed the legend:

"Thissa picture show Jang Wong

He left China for Ding Dong!"

This discovery turns our understanding of ancient history on its head and gives rise to questions such as how trade and cultural links were established and maintained at such great distance at that time between Cornwall and China.

An old propeller-like device found in the river bed in the river Beeble has led some to speculate that air travel may have been discovered and used long ago, employing feverish slave power to turn the propeller of some devilishly clever early transport plane.

Taking just this one example of a mental leap into the dark, it is fair to say that speculation has been running riot since these discoveries have been made.

The speculation has even extended to the much more preposterous and wholly unlikely proposition - originally advanced by a Mr Gung Ho, owner of the Golden Rotus in Relubbus - that the Cornish pasty itself may have been a Chinese invention introduced to Cornwall as an early form of Chinese takeaway!

Not surprisingly, this suggestion has seriously ruffled feathers in many quarters and has even disturbed the normally excellent relations between the People's Republic of China (PRC) and its most important trading partner, the Greater Relubbus Urban Council (GRUC).

The GRUC Leader, Councillor Billy Spargo (117) was so angered by this slur on the Cornishness of the national dish that he even considered cutting off the generous foreign aid (estimated to be as much as £49.50 per week) which the GRUC currently grants to the PRC.

In a desperate attempt to cool things down, the PRC President, Mr Hu Jintao, has unearthed details of the remainder of the Cornish colony set up in China 2,400 years ago as part of the twinning agreement.

It seems that there was a small Cornish colony in Peking, which later moved out to the Chinese countryside near the China Clay works (a smaller version of what is found to this day near St Austell).  Surprisingly, the descendants of this colony still speak Cornish, although they seem to have 'gone native' in all other respects.

As proof of this, Mr Jintao has revealed a picture of the local council leader in so-called Kamm Bronn.  The gentleman's name is Jowan Trembath and he is shown here with his prized pet hunting eagle "Er Skwark" alongside his best friend Madern Angwin.

Intermarriage with local women has long ago led to some dilution of the Cornish cultural heritage and indeed appearance, but Jowan and the others in the colony have clung for dear life to two treasured institutions over the many centuries since their forefathers left Cornwall. 

One is the Cornish language and the other is the Cornish Pasty itself, which their tradition tells them that they brought out with them from their homeland.

So there you have it!  The Cornish Pasty is truly Cornish!!

ADVERTISEMENT

CHRISTMAS BARGAINS GALORE AT R C OATES SUPERSTORE!!

Have Jolly Japes and Wholesome Christmas Family Fun with the Wakfer Electrified Tightrope (patent pending) - available here at just £749.99!!! 

See how long you can stay on, whilst they turn up the voltage!  Cattle prods extra at just £35 each (NOT to be used on children younger than 3!)

From Tamsin Pentreath, the celebrated author of "Cooking for People without Teeth", get the long-awaited new book "53 ways of Cooking Badger" at just £195.  

Nance's 'Carved from Wood' products make the perfect and unusual Christmas gift.  New products joining the range this year include handcarved bicycle clips in yew and oak (£75), re-usable condoms fashioned from soft balsa wood (£15) and socks in hard wearing teak (£45 a pair) available in all sizes.

Discreet help for the adventurous - buy Rosewarne's Patented Hot Mustard and Sulphur Treatment for all ailments 'down below' (£60).

Finally, to fuel the festive fun,

Why not get a bottle of Polkinghorne's Homemade Green Whisky (£7.99 for 3 litres). 

It turns a kitten into a lion!!

RELUBBUS ROUNDUP BIRTHDAY NEWS

 BIRTHDAY BOYS!!

The famous Tregavarah triplets - Abelard, Archilaus and Aardvark Angwin - are 50 years old today. 

Their parents have sadly passed on, but their Enty, Mrs Audrey Addicoat (94) of Gwavas Estate, was thrilled to be asked a few words about them by our reporter.

Putting her teeth in specially, she said,"My sister, Agnes, wudda bin sum proud of er boys, if she were ere neow!  After a few false starts, they boys is proper gents."

Abelard runs a thriving roadside grocery stall in the layby at Grumbla next to the Tremethick Cross turn-off. He says proudly, "I duh oney sell tattees and turnick!" 

Many people pass this way on route to their work in bustling Tremethick Cross or in the City of London or even in Wall Street, New York.

They always make a point of stopping to have a chat with Abelard and to buy a few of his potatoes and swedes (in Cornish 'turnick').  Apart from the splendid quality of his vegetables, which are eaten raw and unwashed by City-working health aficionados, another big draw is the opportunity to use pre-decimal currency, since Archilaus uses and accepts nothing else on his stall.

He opens at 3.00 am to catch the Wall Street-bound New York traffic and closes at 1.00 am to pick up trade from late night clubbers coming home from their revels in Tremethick Cross.

His brother, Archilaus, is a gentlemen's outfitter now specialising solely in taking inside leg measurements.  Rather than operating his own business premises, he travels, on his penny farthing bike, from one gents' outfitter's to another to provide this specialist service for others too shy to undertake this intimate service.  As he proudly boasts, "I doubt there iddena inside leg measurement in the olla Wes' Cornwall I ebben took!"

He is pictured here on the left, 'practising' on a young lady on the beach, just before she slapped him.

Aardvark, called by the other two 'the runta the litter', has had a somewhat less settled past and has been obliged to spend several spells at Her Majesty's pleasure for a string of repeated offences. 

Now, finally banned from working with small animals again, he is seeking to build up a fresh career in door-to-door sales of home-made wooden sunglasses.

The boys - all still single and available -have celebrated their happy day together by going out to share a slap-up meal at the Queen's Hotel on the Prom in Penzance.

IT IS CHRIS'S BIRTHDAY TOO!!

Chris Kelynack from Heamoor is 49 years old today.  Chris moved here 'frumup pas' Truru' some years back and no one is entirely sure whether this enigmatic person is male or female.

Chris is a freelance taxidermist working from home and derives a real pleasure - as well as a handsome income - from preserving deceased animals, usually beloved pets.

Chris has an unusual approach to this task and is setting something of a trend  by focussing on preserving only the skin of the animal and then filling it up with helium gas. so that it floats balloon-like.

Chris also attaches an Ipod pouch to the animals, so that the owners can listen to recordings of their loved ones or simply play music.

Chris is now applying to the Greater Relubbus Urban Council (GRUC) for permission to treat deceased humans in this way so that loved ones can have them float around the room jabbering away just like they used to.

Chris celebrated the birthday in a very odd way, but despite the weird noises, would not explain what it involved.

WHAT HAPPENED TO LITTLE MAVIS??!!

Mavis Tergonning of Alverton Estate, Penzance, was 5 years old yesterday.  The little darling girl is the apple of her parents' eyes and, as her doting father says, "There idden nuthin we wooden do fer she!  Ansum she is too!"

So it was that at 9.30 yesterday morning the little girl took possession of the pet alligator that she always dreamed of having.  She named the animal "Alli" and rode him off to the playing field behind the Pirate pub. 

This moment was captured on camera by the proud parents and then put on immediate display on the mantelpiece in the front room.

However, the parents began to get concerned when little Mavis failed to come home.  Said distraught mother, Avril Tregonning, "I gotta bit wurried when she never come ome fer er danner.  But I thought 'she's out avinna bit fun wither lill pet.  We'll leave she be a bit longer.

"Then when she nevver come ome fer er tea, I said to Derrick, my usbant, I said to un, I said, 'Ere, Derrick, she ebben come ome yet - you goin out to look fer the maid, aree?"

Derrick set off to explore and, although he found the alligator burping contentedly in a corner of the field, he could find no trace of the girl. 

Mavis was nowhere to be found.  Police were then called in to investigate.  All are baffled by the disappearance.

ADVERTISEMENT

All this week at the Relubbus Panopticon Theatre!!!!!!

Mad Sarah Plain invites you to join her Tea Party.

Tickets are just £550 per person per hour!!

Yes, you've got to be mad to go there!

RE PUTTING THE 'R' BACK INTO THE 'COUNTY' OF CORNWALL!!

Being Excerpts from an entertaining Verbal Exchange between

The Honourable Cecil Longfield Oswald Titt (Champion of England) and

Ruan Ennis (Champion of Cornwall)

The protagonists:

Cecil Longfield Oswald Titt (CLOT) oscillates between his grandiose manor house on the Titt Estate in Hertfordshire (Great Titt House - DEFINITELY NOT open to the public) and his London Club, Benders of Pall Mall.

A proudly English gentleman, he has not, throughout his life, sullied his hands with any work beyond the necessary task of telling others how to better order their affairs, a task he has taken up with a selflessness that only he can appreciate.

A scion of one of the best public schools in England, he has extensive landholdings right across that country and also holds land in Cornwall.  He happens to be in Cornwall at present, as he is beating down his tenants in rent negotiations  and was eager to participate in this debate on the status of Cornwall so that he could ensure that the people know their proper place.

Ruan Ennis (RE) from a council estate in Camborne is a Cornishman's Cornishman and, in fact by way of proof, he reads the Cornishman itself every week with almost as much relish as he reads the Relubbus Roundup, his preferred reading.

Ennis has lived in Cornwall all his life, except for a brief spell in London.  It was during this temporary exile ("I only wennup ferabit geek like"), which lasted for four and a half weeks, that he came to realise - once he had left it - how unique and special Cornwall is.

On his return to his beloved Camborne, he immersed himself in the history, culture and, yes, language of Cornwall and is now an impassioned champion of the separateness of Cornwall and of the celebration of its culture.

The Excerpts:

CLOT:  The map of Great Britain displays the majesty of its heart that is England,  a jewel of geographical exquisiteness marred only by the ragged sordid Celtic excrescences of Scotland and Wales.

Cornwall should rejoice that is but one among many of the ceremonial counties and unitary authorities, which make up this magnificence called England.  You, Ennis, should be proud to see the flag of England flying above the roofs of Cornwall.

I have good news for you, Sir!  You are no mere Cornish peasant, but are instead a proud English hobbledehoy!

RE:  Lissenere, boy!  I arnt takin nunnathat colonial claptrap from the likes o' you.  Oney one flag, what duh blong ere and thassa flag o' St Piran, the flag o' Cornwall.

We err the only so-called 'county' of England - your words, boy, not mine -, which duh ave issone Flag.

Nexdoor, the Devon people 'ad a vote in 2003 to decide on their flag.  We didnaff to ave no vote ere.  Flag? - we've always adden, boy, cuz we're a nation wass always adda flag!

Nuther thing.  People up London duh knaw we're really different.  People frumere err called 'Cornish", people from Spain err called Spanish and people frum Finland err called Finnish.

Idden no other bleddy 'county', where the 'nhabitants duh ave a name like a foreign race.  Tha's cuz we err different  - you're bleddy furren faras we're concerned.

CLOT: Now steady on, my good man, you are running away with yourself.  You Cornwallers cannot possibly compare yourselves to nations such as the Spanish and the Finnish.  They are poor Johnny Foreigners with their own countries and their own awful languages.

You good people are here to serve England as loyal beach attendants and agricultural wallahs wih full rights to pay taxes to the Westminster Parliament.  There you have it!

RE:  Sens dha flows, Saws!

We Cornish duh ave our own language alright anniff you 'ad a brain up tuh understandin' ovun, I would ah spoke tuh ee innun.

The reason we duh talk your language a bit diffrunt, like it wuz farren tuh we is cuz ee is farren tuh we!!  So you can stick yer bleddy 'county' o' Cornwall an give we our country back!  You duh ave the 'onour neow o' bein' in Pow Kernow, the country of Cornwall.

EDITOR:  This exchange continued for well over an hour.  It ended with the Honourable Cecil Titt limping back to his hotel with two black eyes and one ball less than he started out with.  Mr Ennis was uninjured and remains as chipper as ever.

PUBLIC ADVERTISEMENTS

Join the Relubbus Border Agency (RBA) and help make a difference!

With budget cuts set to make a huge difference to people's lives throughout the UK, the Greater Relubbus Urban Council (GRUC) believes that many more people might be tempted to flee over the border into Relubbus, which still basks in an annual growth rate of 12.7%

To help combat this situation, the GRUC has decided to expand the RBA twentyfold, taking its combined strength to forty.

Pictured are the two current employees of the RBA, Mr Dougie Addicoat (48) standing on the steps of their mobile headquarters and his assistant, Bert Trembath (32) demonstrating the power of their torch, which is used on nocturnal campaigns.

All 38 new employees will be inducted at the grade of 'deputy assistant watcher', which carries a handsome salary of £14 10s 8d per week, cash in hand.  The package will also include a free pair of bicycle clips, a plastic mac and a whistle.

Applicants must be over 3 foot tall and under 40 stone in weight.  Applications in writing to the RBA, care of Relubbus Post Office.

Relubbus Olympics 2012 - Get Involved!!

The Relubbus Olympics  of 2012 are expected to draw crowds in excess of 100, so if you want to shine in front of a massive crowd in the Relubbus Primary School Sports Field, you had better get training now.  The Relubbus Team is looking to recruit new competitors in the following three events:

One Mile Blindfolded Speed Hop (for both left and right leg events)

Throw Yer Pal sfar as you can (pictured)

Marathon Armchair Sitting 

If you fancy your chances at any of these physically demanding events, contact Ebenezer Elias Polkinghorne at the Western National Central Bus Station, Relubbus.

CONTROVERSY OVER PLANS FOR MARAZION BEACH DEVELOPMENT

A firestorm of controversy has broken out over plans to develop the beach from Long Rock to Marazion and turn it into a Multifactional Communist Theme Park.

The idea is the brainchild of one Loopy Potts, a reckless hedge fund manager and all round arsehole from London with a second home in Portreath, who describes himself as "Your average dialectical materialism junkie, but perhaps with a greater leaning towards the Feuerbach than the Hegel".

An impassioned admirer of past Communist despots, he alighted on the idea of converting this Cornish beach into a Gulag, offering forced labour and re-education and other funtime activities round the clock for all ages. 

His idea would be to have a Marxist-Leninist section for those who prefer their communism unadulterated, as well as a specialist Maoist secton for those who prefer Chinese takeaways.

Bewildered Potts-watchers were amazed to hear of this latest plan, given the failure of his multi-million pound Stalinist holiday camp in Camborne. 

However, although Potts has lost pots of money, it seems that help is on the way from a most unlikely source.

A mystery Japanese backer (known only as a Mr Tojo) has offered to go 50/50 on the costs with Potts, if he will agree to balancing up left wing with right wing opinion by having a Sarah's Mad Hatter's section themed on the beliefs and following of his favourite hunting, shooting, fishing and knitting Nazi, Sarah Paling-into-insignificance.

Sarah has become something of a totem for the so-called Tea Party in the USA.  This is a mad collection of rabid right wing nutters and Christian fundamentalists, who share a common hatred of what might be termed 'the state', since, quite naturally, any responsible state would put them all into very secure homes.

The Tea Party takes its name from the chaotically anarchic practices, which characterised the Mad Hatter's Tea Party in Alice in Wonderland.

Sarah's popularity remains high amongst the rabid rightists of the Tea Party despite her unfortunately early descent into Alzheimerland.  Sadly the poor woman now has to write everything down on her hand, if she is to remember it.

However, Mr Tojo still has the hots for Sarah and the necessary yen for Potts and so, at this point, it looks as though the development might go forward.

The project has naturally caused controversy and this has attracted the attention of Synthetic Sylvia (so called because of the amount of plastic skilled Relubbus surgeons have employed to preserve her exterior), the amazing 154-year-old mother of the Leader of the Greater Relubbus Urban Council (GRUC), Councillor Billy Spargo (124).

Mrs Spargo, shown here coming home from shopping at Morrisons is not at all happy about the proposed development and will be bringing her considerable influence to bear on the situation.

"I didden bleeve it when I 'eard bowt thissere plan fer ovver Long Rock!  I arn dappy, I kin tellee!  I used tuh tek Boy Billy ovver there tuh play all them years ago annit should be jessussame fer kiddies now!  We duh wunt nunnathey bleddy silly Commnist Theme Parks downere.  Annass fer that there Sarah Wassername, goin roun dunnup like sum fancy woman, we aren't avvin nunnathat 'ere. 'Spectable people rownere we are!"

Mrs Spargo told the Roundup that she would be having serious words with her son and that, if he didn't put an immediate stop to all this nonsense, he would not be allowed to go on the Sunday School Treat and would have to go to bed without any tea.

OPIE FINDS OIL!

Colonel Zennor P. Opie (57), celebrated Relubbus military man, explorer, tracker and noted animal and human scatologist, is in the news yet again after his return from a successful expedition to the hitherto unexplored and much feared Segh (or Sygh; spellings vary depending on the Kernewek orthography used. Ed.) desert,  north east of Relubbus.  He brings with him astounding news of huge oil finds.

Opie's unorthodox attitudes have led to his growing notoriety throughout his prestigious career.  It all started very young.

As a very young boy, he took a rapid dislike to his left leg.  With an early display of the kind of resolve which was to make him famous, he decided simply to ignore it for the rest of his life.  Holding it up at bended knee, he had paid no further attention to it ever since, much preferring to hop everywhere, thereby earning the nickname 'Oppy' Opie.

This preference for hopping did not disadvantage him in any way.  At school, he regularly won various races from the 100 yards sprint right through to the marathon, all achieved by his dogged and highly spirited hopping on his ever more powerful right leg.

'Oppy's unusual talents have led him to develop other innovative preoccupations, some of which have found enormous and grateful resonance within an appreciative Relubbus public.

A primary example of this can be found in the Sancreed Semaphore Male Voice Choir.  This fine body of men performs well-known songs - in complete and utter silence - using just semaphore to spell out the words. 

'Oppy proudly leads the choir positioned right at the front using his distinctive baritone semaphore style.  Occasionally he stops 'singing' in order to turn to conduct the choir.

The Semaphore Choir has performed all over Relubbus and has even been booked to play at the St John's Hall in Penzance.

'Oppy is also responsible for leading Councillor Billy Spargo's personal bodyguard, which, as pictured here, is an all female squad recruited entirely in and around Prospidnick, where personal loyalty to Spargo is at its fanatical fiercest.

The 120 young ladies, who can apply their make-up in less than one hour, are all trained to kill.  At any one time, 12 of them are on duty to protect Councillor Spargo and to ensure his personal freshness.

Today, after an expedition lasting some 57 days, 'Oppy has emerged - alone - from the dreaded Segh desert.  All 65 of his support camels had sadly perished in the remorselessly parched desert and he was down to his last bottle of water, when his well-known frame was observed hopping - somewhat wearily - out from the sand.

His thrilling news - backed up by painstaking observations and photographic evidence - is that oil abounds in the Segh desert, in places actually forming pools  on the surface.  Experts have already analysed the initial evidence and believe that Relubbus might possess more than ten times the amount of oil found in Saudi Arabia.

Councillor Billy Spargo (109) was unavailable for comment, since he had gone to spend the week on the Maldives accompanied only by his entire corps of bodyguards.

ADVERTISEMENT

All next week at the Swordfish Inn, Newlyn!

Bearded Doris and the all-girl Grumbla Ukelele band.

Playing Songs for you  from Yesteryear

As well as the 3-hour 1811 Overture by Dougie Tchaikovsky-Penhaligon

Entrance only 95 pence including FREE drink of Babycham and a bag of pork scratchings!!

BRAMMIE THE CAT ACHIEVES YET ANOTHER FIRST!!

Brammie, the amazingly gifted cat  from Ludgvan has already astounded everyone by revealing his ability to talk.Now he has revealed another talent - walking on water!

It was only last year that he appeared on Radio Cornwall to 'give personal testimony' to the impact of devastating human cruelty on the feline world by the performance of vicious castrations on unsuspecting male kittens.

Readers of this magazine and listeners to Radio Cornwall will recall his touching words, which had immediate repercussions. 

The Greater Relubbus Urban Council (GRUC) issued a banning order on so-called 'doctoring' of male kittens. 

GRUC Council Leader, Billy Spargo, stated "Any vets 'doctrin' any more cats err gunna get 'vetted' by me!"  This dire threat had the desired effect and the cat population of Greater Relubbus consequently mushroomed.

Mindful that the broadcast was taking place before the Radio Cornwall watershed and therefore carefully choosing his words, Brammie - amidst floods of tears - had stated that he had been deprived of his 'wherewithal' before he had even become old enough to contemplate the act which might result in the sound of many little padded paws.

The father-never-to-be from Ludgvan thereby earned the sympathy and support of thousands all over Cornwall.  It was only a little later that most of them had grasped the fact that they really had been listenng to a talking cat.

Brammie, who can also turn his paw to quadratic equations, had realised from an early age that he could understand human speech.  However, it was only after the trauma of his separation from his 'wherewithal' that he realised that he could speak.

As he explained then, "When yer knackers 've bin cut off, you duh wake up bleddy quick an' pay attention.  Wadden long afore I reelised I could talk 'swellas understand!"

Brammie is now back in the news again after yet another amazing feat of walking - on water - from Penzance to St Michael's Mount and back again without getting any of his paws wet.

After his exertions, Brammie relaxed over a restoring pint of beer at his favourite pub, the Coldstreamer, in Gulval and told our special correspondent, Tamsin Trembath (18), who had made a special sartorial effort on his behalf, just what had come to pass.

He explained that, whilst cats do not normally like to be too close to water, let alone in it or on it, fate had revealed to him that he had an ability to walk on it.

He had managed to sneak into Mrs 'Ollis house next door, whilst her beloved budgie was flying free.  He had managed to intercept the budgie in mid-flight and had quickly and expertly dissected it and consumed it in front of an enraged Mrs 'Ollis, thereby earning her immediate and undying hatred.

Propelled by the speed that comes from cold fury, she managed to grab hold of Brammie and, as her house backed on to the Red River, she flung poor Brammie into the fast flowing current, thinking, as indeed Brammie himself thought, that he would thereby meet his doom.

Our feline hero then made his great and happy discovery that he could bounce along the water, never breaking its surface and never getting wet.  He decided to keep this discovery a secret until today.

Having first obtained odds of 100,000,000 to 1 that a cat could not walk on water, he placed a £1 bet to that effect at Ladbrokes before setting out on his epic water trot.

Now Brammie is faced with a problem that not many cats have - how to spend £100,000,000.

He has booked himself in at the Relubbus Veterinary Institute for some urgent 'wherewithal reconstructive surgery', but, thereafter, he is open to suggestions........

NEWSFLASH

First and Last! A Cornish Matador's Dreams meet a Sharp End!

Cornish would-be Matador, Bert Pender (48) from up Pendeen was in the news recently, when he announced that he was 'jackin' in' his steady job as a meter reader to 'ave a bash' at his preferred career path of Matador.

He set off for Spain and was accompanied on the trip by his Enty Doreen (89), who is a part time photographer for the Roundup.

She managed to secure this telling shot of Bert on his very first (and now last) day out in the arena. 

Sadly much damage was done  and Bert has had to accept that he is  now 'dun matadorin' an iss back tuh thuh meters fer me!"