TOUGH SOLUTIONS FOR TOUGH TIMES

Relubbus is famed for its buoyant economy, which is commonly know to be "as safe as Mouzel 'Arber".  However, the UK and much of the rest of the world are gripped by choking deficits, which are driving governments to take hitherto unthinkable actions to balance the books.

Our Economics Correspondent, Bramwell Brasso Busso Bolitho, reports on some of the more controversial actions of our neighbour, the UK:

Georgie Porgie Osborne (pictured second from the right) is the UK's Chancellor of the Exchequer, an all-round good egg and, just 25 years ago, elected runner-up in the Eton School 'Fag of the Year' competition.  The certificate "for extwordinawee services for the chaps" is still proudly kept by Mum at home.

As Georgie has put it, "It's a devilish job making all these damned cuts without hurting the most vulnerable - who are clearly those who have the most to lose!  Obviously, it is those in the Tory Party who have the most to lose and I am here to make sure that we keep it all - or Ashers (Lord Arsecreep) has said to me that he will ensure that I am given the most beastly roasting suffered by any fag!"

Georgie has said that everything is up for review and he and his pals - including token poor boy and new carrot-topped pal "Wee Danny Alexander" from off the Glengarry Estate - have come up with some ideas that would have hitherto been thought "unthinkable".

Old age pension - indeed "old age" itself - is to be scrapped.  As 'two brains' Hector Weeble-Splunk, Georgie's policy adviser and fag maintains, "They used to say that 60 is the new 40", but now we say that "100 is the new 45"!!

Old age pension will only be paid to those who reach the age of 100.  Up to that age, everyone will have to work under the new "Thrive or Die" scheme.

Pictured are Edward and Ethel Batt, both 92 and, until George and his pals came to power, residents of the Eastbourne Quiet Home for Retired Gentlefolk.  Since the home could no longer function without considerable state aid, it has been closed down and the inmates have been turfed out on to the street.

(For those who are interested, the home has now been turned into a free enterprise brothel employing single mothers, who have been similarly turfed out of their council homes and deprived of their former benefits so that they must now earn their keep.)

Edward and Ethel have been given a half hour's intensive training to equip them for earning their living in the real world.  However, Edward is still struggling to produce entertaining noises from his plastic flute, as he is completely deaf, whilst Ethel's numerous infirmities prevent her from singing and dancing, as she was instructed to do with the aid of various drawings.  The couple have been give their own 'pitch' outside the Arbitrager pub in Throgmorton Street in the City of London.

Thanks to the open-handed generosity  of the hugely wealthy traders who frequent the pub, the couple have been able to earn £17 over the past month and, thanks to the thoroughly good kicking they got, which resulted in hospitalisation and some free food, they have managed to stay alive.

Tufty Wakfer, a 98-year-old ex-tightrope walker from Greenwich, has been expelled from his Old Folks home and told that he now has to earn his daily crust; but that this will only be for two more years before he receives the generous new state pension of £5.75 per week with no strings attached.

He has been allotted his own nearly-new cardboard box under a railway arch and has been presented with a 'start up' tray of used razor blades to sell to the the public to  try to make a living. Tufty has not been doing well and hasn't sold anything so far.

Some people have been questioning the fairness and even challenging the human rights aspects of these seemingly savage Tory cuts. Georgie has been most defensive and has insisted that they consulted most widely before introducing them.

In particular, he points out that he spent one whole afternoon chatting to his uncle, Mr Henley Regatta, who has assured him that he was doing "just the right thing", saving so much money.  Typical of many hard-working Tories, Mr Regatta had simply not been grafting away as a stockbroker for the past forty years working every hour God gives between 10.00 am and 11.45 am each day to earn his millions so that it can all be taxed and handed over to benefits proles.

State expenditure has been reduced to just £1.5 million annually with money only going on essentials, such as champers for the pals at cabinet meetings (though Wee Danny has to drink Irn Bru) and an annual subscription to the Eton Needy Old Boys' Fund, for chaps down on their luck.

The Communist Leaders of the People's Republic of Hayle (chief among them trichologically-challenged Tregavarah "Combover" Ventongimps) are eyeing up the UK with renewed interest, sensing that the revolution there might just be around the corner.

RELUBBUS INSTITUTE HONOURS LORD ARSECREEP

The hugely influential Relubbus Institute of International Relations has decided to award a special new prize to the infamous Belize resident and British non-dom, Lord Arsecreep.

The Institute is a much-respected authority on corporate governance, public ethics, and international justice.  It is the think tank of choice of the United Nations.  Indeed, Ban Ki Moon (66), UN Secretary General, sits on its board of trustees, along with other luminaries such as Nelson Mandela (92), Mother Theresa (deceased), Willy Curnow (deceased), and the Greater Relubbus Urban Council (GRUC) leader himself, Billy Spargo (115).

The Director of the Institute is none other than the internationally revered  A level student, Daniel "Snookered" Thomas (18), pictured left.

Mr Thomas spoke to a hastily convened gathering of the Relubbus and international press this morning to announce the decision of the Institute to confer a Special Award for Breathtaking Hypocrisy on the English Tory (or "Toy" -- they're only playing at it, after all) deputy chairman, Lord "Shaft You" Arsecreep.

Mr Thomas stated that a primary duty of all states was to raise taxes in a way that was fair to all and to expend the tax revenue in a way that served the best interests of all.

He explained that Lord Arsecreep (left) had secured for himself a pivotal role in the Toy party as deputy chairman responsible for improving the Toy party's performance in key marginals.  Arsecreep had hired his own staff to support him and had poured millions of (untaxed) funds into the task over the years - all funded by his company, Bare Arse Corporate Services.  Arsecreep had chucklingly confessed that  important records of this Bare Arse company had been mysteriously 'wiped clean', when called for by the House of Commons.

Now - under relentless pressure from the Relubbus and Cornish press and from a Mrs Agnes Trembath from up Heamoor -  Arsecreep had confessed that his embarassingly huge fortune had been piled up without being subject to UK or any other tax.

Never before had a deputy chairman of a political party been selected who avoided paying tax in the country his party aspired to rule.

Never before had a tax-avoider been ennobled on a promise of becoming a full resident (implication: "I'll pay taxes just as you taxed oiks do") without following through on the promise.

Never before in modern European history had a political party, like the Toy party, allowed itself to be bought and used in this way.

In recognition of this singular achievement, Lord Arsecreep is to receive a hand-carved bare arse  in sturdy Belize balsa wood lovingly fashioned by an imprisoned fraudster and tax avoider.

The Roundup's impeccably high standards of good taste prevent us from publishing a picture of a bare arse, but we can disclose that it is the sort of thing that would be revealed in all its hairiness, if one were to pan up the reverse of the photo on the left.

STOP PRESS:  The Roundup has learnt that even dimbo 'Kami-Kaze' Cameroon and his Eton cronies have finally twigged that associating with (let alone ennobling) Arsecreep is losing them the election.  In the Toy party HQ they are now desperately trying to coax a wary Arsecreep into the ejector seat.