PRESS SCANDAL AS LUDGVAN MAN DIES OF SHOCK AFTER LOTTERY WIN
The whole of Ludgvan was plunged into mourning when it was revealed that 77-year-old Charlie Jacka had passed away with shock at discovering that he had scooped £9,000,000 on the Relubbus National Lottery.
Charlie's mates, Tim Blewett (67) on the left and Dickie Angwin (71) on the right, had called in the Roundup photographers to capture the moment, which should have been one of the happiest in Charlie’s life. Charlie, an agricultural labourer, had been telling everyone for years that he was due a big win. "I probberly paid in about £700 ovver the years and I can feel, in my bones, a big win comin' my way!"
Tim had checked Charlie’s ticket for him, as he did every week in view of Charlie’s extremely delicate heart condition. He saw that Charlie had hit the jackpot with his favourite numbers (1,2,3,4,5,6) and thought that the moment of revelation should be captured on camera for the Roundup. According to the little-read Relubbus Gazette (a shabby publication of no merit somehow mysteriously chosen by the Lottery for publication of winning numbers and payouts) Charlie’s numbers had come up and he was due the sum of £9,000,000.
As our picture reveals, Charlie’s heart gave out at the moment he heard the incredible news. Both Tim and Dickie were beside themselves with grief. Since Charlie had no family whatever and they were his best friends, they overcame their grief sufficiently to immediately scramble to the telephone to find out who would get the money.
It was then that the sad, but in our view wholly plausible, matter of the Relubbus Gazette misprint came to light. Winnings that week were, in fact, only £900 and not £9,000,000. Agnes Trevorrow, the scatty editor of that travesty of a newspaper, the Relubbus Gazette, had to admit that "we bin ‘avin problems with the zero button recently and it duh git stuck. You kent check everythin’!"
The £900 were later claimed by Liza Tonkin (48), self-styled "male agitation relief practitioner", who presented IOUs to the value of £1,570 given to her by Charlie. "Ee was poor, but 'ee was a proper gennlemun an sum ansum too! "
Readers are invited to encourage friends and family to spread this story abroad so that unfortunate readers of the Gazette may take note and switch their allegiance to the Roundup, a magazine of the highest probity and journalistic standards.
LEN AND LILY AT IT AGAIN!
Bert ("Len") Harvey, the "resting" actor from Towednack, and his partner-in-crime Lily Nichols, the ex bag-lady from Perranuthnoe, have been at it again! Pictured here at a Highland Games in Fort William, it seems that their deception of the Scottish press has been as successful as that of the English. It is amazing to the Roundup that to date apparently no-one outside Kernow has seen through their act as the bogus aristocrats the "Duke and Duchess of Cornwall".
Always supportive of local talent that succeeds on a wider stage, the Roundup congratulates them on their consummate professionalism. Notice how Len conveys perfectly the picture of hereditary torpidity and incipient, drink-fuelled, gout, while Lily smiles in silent admiration.
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INTERNATIONAL BANK HQ RELOCATES TO RELUBBUS
The Midland banking empire has relocated its international headquarters from Shanghai to a prestige site in Boswedden Lane, Relubbus. Following a year-long architectural competition to which leading architects from every continent submitted designs, the eventual winner was a 1930s "retro"-style design by local Relubbus architect William Spargo Jnr. Announcing the decision, chairman of the judges Councillor Billy Spargo said: "Us all thought this 'un wuz a proper job."
The huge new building, shown left, took two years to build, using local granite and imported Italian white marble.
The vastness of the interior is hinted at in the picture on the
right, which shows one part of the ground floor banking hall.
Speaking at the opening of the new international headquarters, Midland CEO Sir Basil Bin Laden-Ramprakash said:
"We were in no doubt we had to come to Relubbus. It is simply the place to be these days. Nowhere else in the world has such a dynamic, expanding economy, combined with a cheap and plentiful labour supply with no union representation.
Although the price of land here is higher than in Manhattan, it has to be worth it. The Relubbus mega-capitalists R.C. Oates and W.G. Trevaskis have shown what is possible here."
X FACTOR X A KNOCKOUT SUCCESS!
By our Arts Correspondent 
The Relubbus Panopticon Theatre at the end of Boswedden Lane is once again the setting for the enormously popular X Factor X, brainchild of the mega-multi-billionnaire Relubbus impressario (and only part-time chiropodist), Columbus Clemo, pictured left, for whose job Simon Cowell was an unsuccessful candidate.
For anyone unfamiliar (how could they be!) with the order of play, X Factor X is a process to find the top West Penwith entertainment act of the year. The event runs from the beginning of the autumn right up until Christmas and features -- every night -- different acts from all over the region, vying with one another to be elected winners of this prestigious competition. The Panopticon theatre is packed out to its full capacity of 11 people every night, each of whom gets to cast their vote for the night’s winner. There is also a winner of the week, of the month, and so on, until at Christmas the agony for the finalists is ended with the selection of the winner and the award of fabulous prizes.
Last year’s winner, Willy Curnow (37), found his life transformed by "the big win". Willy stormed through the whole contest to universal acclaim with his farting ventriloquists’s dummy, "Windy" (4), who had crowds falling off their seats with uncontrollable spasms of laughter. The devilishly clever dialogue [ "Ave you jes’ farted again?" "Course, I bleddy ‘ave, d’you think I duh always smell like gis?"] and the fact that you could hardly see his lips move at all, even when he was speaking, all added to the magical mix that made Curnow outright winner and darling of the audience.
Before the win, Curnow was just a milkman for the Kwop. After "the big win", he received: a week’s free travel on any Western National bus passing between Relubbus and Penzance; a record contract with Marshal James Records of Penzance (entitling him to one free record -- of Watling Jones singing "How great is the Lord!"); free groceries for a day at R. C. Oates' Superstore in Relubbus (up to a value of £4.35); one half-price Jelberts' ice cream; one free "go" on the mini-golf on Penzance Prom (before 7.30 am and on a Monday, or at anytime when it is raining). Showered with these life-changing gifts, Willy did not know where to turn. He has yet to "cash in" his gifts and, being a modest man, has kept on his job at the Kwop. "I aren’t gunna let fame go to my ‘ead", he declared defiantly.
This year’s competitors are spurred on by the sight of Willy’s stunning success and the lavish gifts he has received. They are now re-doubling their furious efforts to win the coveted X Factor X prize.
This year’s hopefuls include an unbelievable crop of West Cornish talent with 7,500 entries, including 112 from Tremethick Cross alone. The Roundup’s entertainment spotter, Daisy Penalverne, has been checking out all the talent and now presents for our readership the hot favourites for X Factor X in 2007.
"Smeggie" Trevarthen (52) is a meter reader for the South Western Electricity Board (SWEB) but he is hoping to hit it big time as a comic on the West Cornish stand-up circuit and in X Factor X. A somewhat ponderous man, ill-at-ease with his own frame, he shifts uncomfortably from foot to foot as he builds up to telling his joke (there is just the one at the moment). The silent build-up phase does create a tension -- both within the audience as well as within "Smeggie’s" trousers, as those standing near him can smell. Then the joke comes and there is always a furious outbreak of laughter, largely and predictably from Smeggie’s mother, Rebecca Trevarthen (86), who is on special release from her secure home for the confused whenever he gives a performance. His joke may well be lost on those unfamiliar with the pre-decimal age -- "What did the electricity meter say to the shilling? ‘Glad you popped in, Bob, I was just going out!’"
Jethro "Look no hands" Polwhele, (26) is a speciality act. He "lifts" things without using his hands. Decency prevents us from showing the full picture here, but Daisy assures us that Jethro is "lifting" one and a half kilos in this picture. Whilst this act is very popular with certain audience members (particularly Rebecca Trevarthen (86), Smeggie’s mum) it will clearly not lend itself to television and nor is it suitable for anyone under the age of 18. Jethro is, however, hopeful of winning the coveted prize and being able to give up the day job at Holman’s Dry Dock in Penzance.
"The Three Graces", the arse yodelling trio based in Tregeseal, near St Just, have a repertoire of 81 songs -- all played through the ‘rear mouth’, but distinctly recognisable. In the picture on the left --from the left, Gwenvor Tregear (31) from Sennen, and "Trombone " Trezise (45) from Madron are both currently ‘out of wind’, but as his cheeky picture reveals, Dougie Penrose (27) on the right and from Tregeseal in St Just, is blasting out "Camborne ‘Ill" in this very photograph. Some of their ‘arse songs’ are their own compositions and this evidence of their originality is reckoned to be their strongest trump in their play to win the coveted crown of X Factor X in 2007.
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Quentin Blodsmith, Harley Street Hypnotist will be in Relubbus for one week only!
Enigmatic mystery man,
Plucking mindstrings, as he can,
Soothes your troubles, calms your mind
As long as you a fiver find!
The toast of London's glitterati, the suave, masterly harpist of the sundry strings of the mind, has returned to his native Cornwall to practise his arts for one week only.Always wearing a cunning disguise, he will never give out his real name, nor reveal anything about his origins, except that he grew up on Treneere Estate (NOT, he insists, in Colinsey Road!!) in Penzance.
What is undeniable is that, through the practice of his mysterious arts, he has enabled hundreds of clients to conquer their fears, to realise their innermost ambitions, to find peace for their troubled souls, to receive the grace and balm of his cooling, soothing charm -- and -- all this -- in just five minutes -- for a fiver.
Quentin Blodsmith (his professional name) will be practising all next week in Relubbus. So do not miss this opportunity! He will be setting up his tent in Farmer Penberthy’s lower field. It is a five-man tent, so that he can handle groups, if necessary.
His hypnotic arts have been found to be highly efficacious in an astounding range of ailments and afflictions. We mention here just a few conditions that he has successfully treated: hiccups; runny nose and sore throat; stomach pains; athlete’s foot; flatulence; unwanted pregnancy; breast enlargement or reduction; penis enlargement or super-enlargement; one-leggedness; senility; trans-gender problems; sleeplessness; short-sightedness; hearing difficulties; and giving up smoking.
For five minutes that can change your life, all you need pay is £5 -- cash only!
You know it makes sense!!
SCIENCE NEWS
Professor D B Penhaligon unveils the "future of humanity" in results of Genetic Project
Rumours of a forthcoming shock announcement drew the entire Relubbus press corps to the weekly press conference at the internationally renowned Relubbus Institute of Genetic Research and Proper Job Science.
Soft muttering punctuated the hushed silence which pervaded the back room of the Boskenna Arms hotel, while the five members of the press pack awaited the arrival of the highly controversial but brilliant Professor Penhaligon.
Then a door opened and the Professor entered the room, carrying a small figure with him, which, with delicate gentility, he placed upon a table before us. "Behold, gentlemen of the press, I give you Loveday -- the future of humanity. "Our planet is dying because of the activities of mankind. Man has caused the huge increase in greenhouse gases, which have disturbed the balance on which all life depends. Every single activity of our rapidly multiplying population leads to yet further growth in the output of greenhouse gases. "Only radical solutions can help us, but the flabby politicians of our world are too timorous to advance proposals which will assuredly put an end to the pent-up horrors of climate change. "I can now present to you the only solution -- Loveday. She is created from environmentally-friendly materials. She does not eat and does not excrete or create smells. She is, I am sure you will agree, comely and pleasing to the eye."I have transferred to her all the knowledge I have accumulated and she contains living organisms, which will enable her to develop her own experiences and to have instant recall of them. She will not expire for at least five hundred years and she will be capable of reproducing herself.
"She has little or no negative environmental impact -- does not need a house, a car, a plane trip, or any of the other things we seem to need that are so damaging to our planet. It is my proposal that the consciousness of every human should be transferred to a being like Loveday. I will now take your questions."
The stunned audience took a while to recover from this series of shattering announcements. All the while, all eyes were fixed upon the little figure standing on the table, still supported by Professor Penhaligon’s hand.
A voice called out, "Can’t she stand up by herself?" Clearly rattled by this implicit criticism, Penhaligon replied that there was still a little work to be done on Loveday’s motive powers.
The next question followed "Can’t she speak for herself, then?" Now obviously exasperated by such obsession with details, Penhaligon rounded angrily on the questioner, "You try making vocal chords out of cobwebs and see how far you get, you smug git!"
An embarassed silence fell upon the people in the room and eyes stared yet harder at the little figure on the table, whose only movement -- a waving hand -- seemed to be caused by Professor Penhaligon’s own hand, agitating the little straw-filled arm.
One question hung in the room along with the silence and it took only a few moments before one brave man plucked that question out of the air and gave it voice. "If she can’t talk yet, how do you know that she knows all that you say that she does?"
Penhaligon stood there, visibly weighed down by the awful loneliness of true greatness, striving to find some way of bridging the huge gulf that lay between his own boundless insight and the questioner’s shallow perceptions. Absent-mindedly, he twitched Loveday’s arm to and fro in a growing frenzy until the little arm came away in his hand and the little straw-filled body toppled over on to the floor, spilling its contents. "Now look what you’ve made me do! I’ll have to start all over again now!"
As he set about gathering up the pieces of his dream that was Loveday, totally absorbed, the press pack silently withdrew.
THE ROUNDUP VISITS THE GREEK EMBASSY
The Roundup was delighted to receive an invitation to visit the Greek Embassy in Relubbus as guests of His Excellency Aristo Hippodopoulos (32) and his two charming sisters Cynthia (29, on the left) and Bill (28, on the right).The three of them run the extremely busy Greek Embassy which, for reasons of economy, is housed in the back rooms of the Mecca Bingo Hall situated in Trelissick Lane, Relubbus.
Aristo was a garage mechanic before taking up diplomacy as a career and, whilst he has no regrets about his significant career change, enjoys spending his spare time helping out at Trelawney’s Garage in Hayle. His sisters are both hairdressers by training, Cynthia specialising in women’s coiffure and Bill focussing on haircuts for men and for women wishing to look like men.
The Relubbus Greek embassy has a particular focus on developing economic ties between the Greek Republic and Greater Relubbus. As Aristo succinctly puts it, "Greece is fine land of olives, wine, halloumi cheese -- all are things which blend it well with fine Cornish cream, saffron cake and pasties. Importantly, Greece is seen as the cradle of civilisation, but many know that this dates from times when ancient seafarers visited Cassiterides (Relubbus) and when they make great cultural borrowings from ancient Relubbus.
"Aristophanes’ plays are all translations from works of great Relubbus playwright, An Scryfer, who wrote delectable pieces of cleverly scripted humour.
"Little known also is that Sappho first learnt her poetry and advanced lesbianism from Joyce, a Cornish practitioner of both arts in second century BC. So our aim is not so much in forging new links between our two great states, but in renewing the most ancient links between our peoples."
We understand that negotiations between the Relubbus mega-capitalist, R.C. Oates, and the Greek state are well advanced in the proposal to open an Oates Superstore in downtown Athens. Female staff from Lesbos, all well-versed in Aristophanean humour, will sell Cornish and Greek ditties, fine foods and farm produce.
Two tables and four chairs will also allow the opportunity of providing a café for customers to rest and watch the world go by. Bill will, in fact, be the first manageress of the store and is here in Relubbus to "soak up" the culture so that she can be an effective advocate of it back in Athens.
Lonely Hearts -- they need love too!
They yearn for someone - just like you.
If your heart’s desire is here today
Then write in fast -- without delay!
Sid Trevithick (46) lives in his own caravan, currently parked in St Buryan. Sid is an agricultural specialist, who makes a good living by "stimulating" reluctant male farm animals to do their bit in breeding. As his work takes him all over Cornwall, he finds living in a caravan most practical. Sadly, it also means that he is never in any place long enough to form a relationship with a young lady. The years are ticking by and he doesn’t want to forego the pleasures of fatherhood. He can offer a well-appointed caravan with its own chemical toilet, wash handbasin and one large picture window.Sid is a member of the extreme Methodist fundamentalist group -- the Gwennap Golems (hence the haircut). He is opposed to drinking, dancing, gambling and other "work of the devil". His wife must be chaste, definitely of the Golem persuasion and have taken the oath of perpetual silence. As Sid is illiterate, his wife must be good with signing, so that she can talk to him, when he wants her to. Box 4932 is the key to a life of love with this special man.
Rowena Pascoe (36) will be well-known to patrons of the Goldsithney Health Club (Men Only) under her professional name of Miss Zdenka Kazymish, but she advertises here under her real name. Having worked for many years helping men with erectile dysfunction, using a unique therapy developed by herself and now known throughout Goldsithney as the "Bunsen Burner Special", Rowena wishes to have a special relationship with a man that operates on the spiritual, intellectual, as well as the merely physical plane. Suitors will need to be broad-minded as she wishes to continue in her chosen career.Rowena assures one and all that she is completely broadminded. She is keen on social engagement and is this year’s chair of the Marazion branch of the nude bee-keeping club. Honest to the core, she believes that all suitors should also know that until the age of 21 she lived as a man, Ronald Pascoe. Post-operatively, she left Helston to seek a fresh start in Goldsithney. Box 5671
Rumah Aribanga (32) is a disappointed man. Lured to the busy downtown business district of Relubbus by an advert placed by Tredinnick and Leddinnick Human Resources for an experienced headhunter, he made the long journey from Borneo to discover that, sadly, headhunting has a different meaning here. He is now working as a ladies’ hairdresser in Newlyn and trying to earn enough money for the return journey, though his first wages will be spent on acquiring some Western clothes.During his stay in this country, Rumah would like to meet -- and move in with -- a Cornishwoman. Age and looks are immaterial to Rumah. His desired lady partner should have a house of her own, as he is quite keen to move in. He is currently living at the Newlyn Bridge bus stop. Box 4922 is the one for ladies who would like Rumah to become part of their lives.
Violet Trembath (62) is a cowherd from St Agnes. She has spent all her spare time during her working life building up a now failed cheese business. "Stench", an unpasteurised cheese, was sadly an acquired taste that no-one acquired. The whiff of the strong smelling cheese was greatly enhanced by her own personal hygiene practices and further assisted by her wrapping her cheeses in socks she had worn for several weeks at a time. The cheese didn’t catch on and -- game girl that she is -- Violet is now looking for a man. "I’ve done workin 24/7 and now I’m lookin’ for a man for a bitta play in my later years!" Box 2457
Pascoe Penhaligon (PP) (32) is a Public Convenience Maintenance Specialist by day (working mainly in the Penzance area) and a practising masochist by night. Educated to GCSE level (Media Studies -- failed, but only just), he has turned his back on the academic world and is single-mindedly focussed on his career.PP came third in the Zennor all-comers speed pasty-eating competition in 2002 and is a keen follower of Penzance Magpies, for whose third team he has been trialling for the past fourteen years. He has "watched" ladies all his life and now would like to get closer to one. Living in a beach hut in Sennen, he would prefer his lady love to come from there so that he doesn’t have to catch the bus. Box 4529
YOUR STARS
with Breton mystic Maurice Labalge
He’s the mystic they all think terrific
Because his predictions are completely specific!
I do have to explain my long absence, which has been occasioned by an entirely unforeseen accident involving myself, a car, a ladder, a young lady friend, a vacuum cleaner, surgical gloves, a bottle of baby oil and a goat. I can offer no more detailed explanation than this, other than that the goat is now eating normally and is not believed to be psychologically damaged, the young lady has left me and I won’t be doing that again. My predictions are, as ever, shit hot. Readers, stay with me!Aries This month signifies great change. Those of you married to a person called Doris will be plunged into despair over the size of her nose. But do not despair, gay love beckons! You will find this to your taste. All others under this sign will, within 3 months, receive a Birmingham hip resurfacing operation, which will put a new skip into your step.
Taurus You did not do as well as expected in your GCSEs. That C in Media Studies was a bit of a blow. But do not despair, I see opportunities for you to sell yourself on the streets and make big money.
Gemini Your mother is either dead, or soon about to be. Do not cry. She has had a good life and also had a lover you knew nothing about, who brought her great joy. Do not forget that your television licence is about to expire!
Cancer You know that something is missing from your life, but you cannot identify the missing factor. I can tell you that you will find great fulfilment from cross dressing, horse riding, or Sudoku. There are millions under this sign. I cannot give YOU the exact prescription, but one of these three things is the key to unlock the next stage of your life.
Leo You are unhappy. There we are! Homosexuality is not for everyone. There are other things in life, so get over it! In 200 years, you will be dead and not remembered even by an ant crawling over the ground in front of you. Avoid ladders!
Virgo Remove the stolen underwear from your drawer or you will be discovered and bring great shame on yourself. Better still, return it to its owner, Mrs Hollis of 21 Angwin Close, Penalverne Estate and tell her that you simply found it amongst the carrots at Tesco’s. She might leave her husband for you.
Libra Go to Penzance Library next Tuesday morning and look out for a woman wearing a pink dress and sporting what appear to be knickers on her head. This woman is your soulmate -- even if you yourself are a woman. Declare your love for her, explaining that your name is Leslie. The stars predict a lifetime of happiness for those united in this way.
Scorpio Tregenza’s in Penzance employ a number of people. One of these is a young woman, whose name is Shirley Behenna. She went to school, with a boy called Tom, who had a pet mouse called "Wilfie". Wilfie got eaten by a cat 14 years ago. That cat is still alive. It is the spiritual essence of Henry VIII. You must form a relationship with that cat -- sexual if possible (but not essential, there might be a queue of you under this sign waiting) and you will be led into a state of revelation, which will benefit you greatly.
Sagittarius You have spent your life adoring Billy Spargo, the great Relubbus politician, who is now shacked up with Mrs Sarkozy. You are distraught -- naturally. However, I can tell you that great things await you with someone else. However, this will not occur for another 50 years. This is probably bad news if you are over 30, but we can’t have all the luck! If you are under 30, spend the next 50 years going around with a big smile on your face!
Capricorn Little is forecast for this sign for the next two years. You are treading water -- filling in time. Do not worry -- if life was always at a high, how would you know how high you were? So you wait and, in three years time, you will receive a huge lottery win (even if you do not play!). Also, you will then mature sexually and enjoy life! You will have a fantastic job (probably in Spiegelhalter’s in Causewayhead, Penzance) and at least 12 children.
Aquarius Your husband, Derrick, has been depressed over the past month and this has been getting you down. He has lost his job at Holman’s and seems sunk in a trough of despair. Well, now the time has come to ditch him! He is a loser! Find a new husband now or fill in time by becoming a prostitute or by working at Morrison’s. One of these routes will lead you to your new man (even if you are a man!).
Pisces You know it and I know it! The front bedroom needs to be re-painted and putting it off is no satisfactory answer. You also need to change the oil in the car (even if you do not have one!). Linda, your wife, has been out of sorts recently and you need to cheer her up. Take her out! Go to the Ritz Bingo and then take her off to Harold Jewel’s fish and chip shop. After that, call in at the Swordfish and I will give you more advice personally. Nothing is too difficult to deal with!
IN THE NEXT BUMPER ISSUE
- EXCLUSIVE: RELUBBUS TO JOIN NUCLEAR CLUB
- RELUBBUS HAS "PASTY BOMB"
- CELEBRITY NEWS: Spotlight on Richard Head -- the man even other designers like to talk about!
- RELUBBUS BALLET PROPER -- ANOTHER SUCCESS!
- SUDDEN DEATH OF RENOWNED RELUBBUS SCIENTIST
- THE ROUNDUP VISITS THE AUSTRALIAN EMBASSY
- Our socially-responsible LONELY HEARTS section
- YOUR STARS, with Breton mystic Maurice LaBalge
- And much, much more!
