SHOCK REVELATION ABOUT DUCHY'S GOLDEN COUPLE

Starstruck followers of Relubbus high society have long been used to tales about the extravagant lifestyle of the 'golden couple' - Bert 'Len' Harvey from Towednack and Lily Nicholls from Perrannuthnoe.

As our readers will be well aware, Len prides himself on never having done an honest day's work in his life.  He has passed his time contentedly trolling around the Duchy of  Cornwall - sometimes in fancy costumes - obtaining freebies wherever he can.  He has been most successful at it.  In fact, he has turned cadging off the Duchy into a fine art form.

He is shown here, together with a bewildered Lily who can't find her roll-ups, in a snap taken at Penzance railway station, where he has just spotted the rent man coming towards him to try - unsuccessfully - to collect the 55 years rent owing on the luxury accommodation he shares with Lily in Colinsey Road, Penzance.

So famous has the couple become that no society event in Cornwall is now complete without an appearance from the 'Colinsey Kickback Kids'. 

Now, however, a new and unexpected light has been shone onto the so-called Duke and Duchess of Cornwall.

Following a heavy night out drinking with the girls at the Swordfish Inn in Newlyn, Lily let slip, after her eighteenth port and lemon, that she has never had carnal relations with Len.  Instead, she related, it is her reclusive twin sister, Filly, who lives in a nearby field, who has been the recipient of Len's earnestly amorous attentions.

Apparently, Len is unable to tell the two girls apart.  The Roundup has managed to obtain a rare family photo of the two girls together.  When you look at it, you can appreciate Len's problem.

If you are still struggling, Lily is the one on the right.

SHOCK FOR MOUSEHOLE BUSINESSMAN

Tommy Tregarthen (49) is a man who has made it big in fish.  Over 33 years he has built up a wet fish empire, which has grown to one shop in Mousehole AND a delivery van.

Tommy is a popular man in Mousehole.  Apart from fish, his interests are rhododendrons, pickled turnips, yodelling and conkers.

Tommy is also known to be something of a ladies' man.  One person very much of that opinion is his estranged wife. 

Nancy (41) is a senior stylist at Shelley's of St Just and Paris and she is also still exceedingly bitter about their separation and her failure to get a judge to agree that she should be entitled to receive half of Tommy's delivery van.

It was with some surprise that the Roundup received an invitation to visit the Tregarthen family home in Mousehole.  Nancy lives in the house and Tommy lives in a caravan in the drive, in which he occasionally receives lady visitors, which stirs Nancy's jealousy and anger to ever new heights.

When we arrived at the home, Nancy positioned our photographer and then summoned Tommy to come inside the house.

As soon as he had crossed the threshold,  she launched a ritual verbal attack - with a new and one-off twist.

"You bleddy basterd!  You 'ad that li'll tart, Kylie Pierce, in the caravan las' night, didnee?  Bleddy fool, you don't knaw where she been.  It'll be all ovver the Kwop by lunchtime.  Well, neow, I gotta surprise fer you, my cock!!"

Drawing herself up to her full four foot one inch (for they are both people of restricted growth), she then declared with great glee, "Well, my bird, don't gwout lookin' fer yer van today!  'Es my luvver, idn there namore! 'Es , I parked 'n' up somewhere special far ee, my 'ansome!" 

At the mention of his beloved Austin A35 van, he blenched in fear of what news might follow, for he strongly sensed that the news might not be good.

Fixing him with an intense stare, which sought to drain his very life force and savouring this moment of pay-back time, Nancy then administered the killer blow.  "'Es Cappen, I parked 'n' up sum proper far ee this time. [Dramatic Pause] I pushed 'n' ovver th' edge o' Mousehole Pier!"

This was the moment captured by our ace photographer, Dougie Pengelly.

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Lucy Trevanion (27) an unsuccessful trainee streetwalker from Botallack, where business is extremely slack at present, is seeking new employment.

Her ideal job would be operating the mangle in Penzance laundry, which she would find rewarding and fun.  She claims to have come third in the 2008 Apprentice series and syas that she is accordingly passionate about business.

Lucy can be contacted only by post - addressed to Lucy Trevanion, Botallack.

ROUNDUP CELEBRATES INVENTIVE RELUBBUS

Treloar’s COC (Cornish One-man Car) is part of the answer to Climate Change!

The fertile mind of Sidney Treloar (35), Perranuthnoe farmer and part-time scientist and engineer has been wrestling with the urgent need to address the challenge of Climate Change and he decided to take on the challenge of transport.

Having camped out on the A30 for several days observing the nature of the constant traffic flow, Treloar was struck by the number of cars that contained only one person - the driver.

“I waz camped out there fer three days and I couldn’ bleeve it. 85% of the cars that went past only ‘ad the driver innun”, he declared in his breathless soprano. He concluded that needless metal, needless seats, needless fuel was all simply going to waste.

It was then that he had his brilliant idea of designing the COC, the Cornish One-man Car. The COC is a compact one seater that uses petrol, but achieves a miraculous 159 miles to the gallon and moves from 0 to 60 mph in just three minutes.

It comes complete with a strap-on umbrella hat for rainy weather and – before you object that it is no good for the family – you can attach carriages to the back so that you can carry up to five people.

Having designed the prototype, Treloar has now secured the backing of W G Trevaskis (103), the famous multi-billionaire businessman and philanthropist. Trevaskis is building a plant at Long Rock, which will produce 1,500 COCs each week. The new cars are expected to be marketed at a bargain price of just £750 each. It is expected that this low price will attract buyers not only from Relubbus but from around the world.

Win a COC for free!!!!!

Yes, it’s true, you could be the proud owner of one of these new COC cars for free!!!. Just phone the magic number 0845 48195298* and answer this simple question. Who designed the COC?

A Sidney Treloar

B Leonardo da Vinci

C Henry VIII

*Calls cost £14 per minute with 50% of proceeds going to the Trevaskis Foundation for Fallen Women In Ludgvan

SPARGO TO ADDRESS G-20

By our Financial Correspondent, Duane Polkinghorne
Billy Spargo, the Chairman of the Greater Relubbus Urban Council (GRUC), is to address an emergency meeting of the G-20 to be held in New York early next week.

The G-20 is a group of twenty Finance Ministers and Central Bank Governors from 19 of the world's largest economies, plus the EU. Collectively, the G-20 economies comprise 90% of global GNP and 80% of world trade.

However, one notable absentee from the group is Relubbus, whose resilient "Celtic tiger economy" has expanded massively in recent years and whose GNP now stands second only to that of the US.

Until now, Relubbus, under the canny leadership of Chairman Spargo, has resolutely refused to ally itself with any international trading blocs other than the Union of Kernow States. The latter, comprising, besides Relubbus itself, Crowlas, Lower Gwavas, Nanpean, Treneere, Germoe, Perranuthnoe, Crows an Wra, Tremethick Cross, and Tregavarah, has emerged, under the leadership of Relubbus, as the planet's leading energy supplier. Indeed, the GRUC Council Chamber alone produces huge quantities of natural gas, while the vast wind farm at Cripplesease generates sufficient electricity to power the UK national grid.

It is understood that Councillor Spargo, in agreeing to address the NY meeting, is responding to a desperate plea from the world's leaders. As the global financial crisis deepens, they regard the support of Relubbus as the only way to avert a total meltdown of the world economy.

Mr Spargo is expected to solve the international crisis by pledging to underwrite the national debts of the US, UK, France, Germany, Italy, Japan, Russia, India, and China. He could do this by drawing on the vast reserves of the Relubbus Central Bank (shown above) -- rumoured to be in the region of £17 6s 8d!

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LILY LOOKALIKE SPOTTED IN MARAZION

The mystery lady who bears a remarkable resemblance to Lily Nichols, the con-artist and ex-bag lady from Perranuthnoe, has been sighted again, this time in Marazion. Previous sightings have been in Morrison's, the KWOP, and Lidl's in Penzance. She has also been seen loitering outside the flagship RC Oates Superstore in Relubbus.

This time, the mystery woman seemed to think that she had been invited to start the Trevaskis Challenge Round the World Raft Race (jointly sponsored by W.G. Trevaskis and English Heritage). Luckily, ace Roundup photographer "Snapper" Kelynack was in Marazion to cover the start of the race, and took the picture on the left.

Meanwhile, Lily Nichols herself, who makes a very comfortable living out of convincing the English media that she is an aristocrat (the mythical Duchess of Cornwall) is said to be furious at the antics of the interloper, whom she sees as trying to cash in on her territory.

"'Oo duh she think she is?" Lily complained yesterday. "Lollopin' aroun' like a git muppet, askin' people "How do you do?" an' "What do you do?" in thet bleddy silly voice?!"

CAMILLA PRESENTS CULTURAL VANDALISM AWARDS

Lily Nichols, the ex-bag lady from Perranuthnoe, reprised her familiar role of the mythical English aristocrat, the soi-disant "Camilla, Duchess of Cornwall", on Wednesday, when she presented the annual National Cultural Vandalism Awards, sponsored by the Department of the Environment and English Heritage. (It's amazing to us that the English press haven't cottoned on to Lily yet. They still seem to believe that "the Duchess of Cornwall" is a real person! Ed.)

Presenting the awards at English Heritage's South Western headquarters in Bristol yesterday, "Camilla" announced the winner of the prestigious "Vandal of the Year" award to be none other than -- English Heritage!

In her speech, the "Duchess" praised EH for its "crass ignorance and arrogance in ignoring the depth of resentment in Cornwall about Cornish Celtic and pre-Celtic sites being administered by an unelected body calling itself "English Heritage", under a banner based on the red-and-white flag of England".

It was to honour just such insensitivity that the National Cultural Vandalism awards had been instigated, she said.

The award itself is a headdress in the form of a Christian halo, and the awards ceremony involves the presenter removing the halo from her own head and placing it on the head of the recipient. Lily is shown above, wearing the award before the ceremony.

In response to the award, EH South West's Chief Administrative Officer, Mr Kyron Bunt, said that he was proud that the organization's role in erasing the distinctive culture of small nations had been recognized.

The Duchess announced the joint winners of the runners-up prize to be the local artists responsible for removing the "English rose" symbol from hundreds of brown tourist signs, throughout Cornwall.

In second place, the vandalised "English rose" road sign

DO YOU KNOW THIS MYSTERY WOMAN???

People all over West Cornwall have been encountering a mystery woman, pictured below, who stops them, and asks "How do you do?" and "What do you do?" in an affected way, which suggests she believes that the innocent accostee knows who she is, which they never do.

She has been spotted in Morrison's, in the KWOP and at Lidl's in Penzance. She has also been seen loitering with intent outside the flagship RC Oates Supestore in Relubbus.

Some suspect that she is trying to emulate the celebrity of Lily Nichols, the ex-bag lady from Perranuthnoe, who is widely admired in Cornwall for having conned large sections of the gullible English media into believing that she is an aristocrat, namely the wife of the so-called Duck of Cornwall.

Lily's impersonations are particularly effective when she is accompanied by her friend from the home with his impressive set of false ears.

Maybe the mystery lady is after the same acclaim as Lily, to whom she bears a strong resemblance, except in the matter of body odour, where she has way to go to match Lily's virulent pungency.

Quite apart from her strong physical similarity to Lily Nichols, she also resembles her in that she likes a good roll-up, and has been seen popping into various stores to top up her supplies of Old Shag and cigarette papers. She then starts badgering people for a light, saying things like, "I simply must smoke it here, Big Ears doesn't like it when I smoke at home!"

The mystery lady also like to take a drink or two, or three....

'CAMILLA IS A KLEPTO' CLAIM!

Lily Nichols, the ex bag-lady from Perranuthnoe who has convinced large sections of the English press that she is in fact "Camilla, Duchess of Cornwall", was involved in an embarrassing incident on Tuesday when she opened the new Trevaskis superstore at Long Rock.

This was the first time that Lily has undertaken an engagement in her native Cornwall: up to now, she has always declined Cornish engagements, for fear that she might be recognised by a passing Perranuthnoe resident with a long memory. As events were to prove, it was a precaution that Lily may regret having abandoned.

As the "Duchess" arrived at the store, she was greeted by a vast crowd of five (and one dog) that lined the streets. Royalists in the crowd cheered and clapped and waved Union flags. A Cornish Nationalist shouted "Kernow Kensa! Bugger off!" The dog was silent.

The Duchess is shown above, being escorted around the aisles of the new store by the store owner, multi-billionaire Mr W.G. Trevaskis, whose meanness is a legend in West Cornwall.

Ace Roundup photographer "Snapper" Kelynack has captured the exact moment when "Camilla", having lifted a bar of chocolate from one of the counter displays, surreptitiously began to eat it, with Mr Trevaskis, following behind, none the wiser.

Worse was to follow. As Camilla left the store, an alarm was suddenly triggered, which seemed to emanate from the Duchess. It was very loud and very persistent. The crowd that lined the pavements fell silent in shock. The noise droned on.

Suddenly, two large security women appeared. Perhaps unaware of the identity of the "Duchess", or perhaps called, notwithstanding her celebrity, by Mr Trevaskis (whose meanness is a legend in West Cornwall), they seized the Duchess and frisked her. A succession of objects fell to the ground -- a box of biscuits, more chocolate, a half-bottle of gin. The crowd looked on in horror.

Then a passing Perranuthnoe resident (with a long memory) called out "'Ow are 'ee, Lily me 'ansum? I'd a knawed 'ee anywhere! Still lika bitta gin, I see!" Camilla's embarrassment was complete!

Issue 8, 30th July 2007

SPARGO SAYS PAKISTAN EMBASSY "TOO BIG"
by our Diplomatic Correspondent Rendall Janner

Outspoken Councillor Billy Spargo has caused ripples within the Relubbus diplomatic community by stating that the Pakistani Embassy in Relubbus is too large and calling for the number of diplomats (believed to number around 1,000) to be greatly reduced.

The picture on the left shows the gates of the Pakistani Embassy compound in Boswedden Lane. Apparently a "garden party" is in progress, and many hundreds of people (if not over a thousand) can be seen having a good time.

Mrs Edith Tregarthen (67), who lives next door at No.8, said "They are nice people, but before it was an embassy there was only Mr and Mrs Liddicoat living there with their dog, and it was cramped then. Now I don’t know how many they got crammed in there but it can’t be right!"

Spargo, the "voice of the people", agrees and has asked for the number of staff at the Embassy to be cut down to 10 at most. Controversially, he has also asked for the three mosques that have been built in the compound to be removed. Extremist Methodist groups have been threatening to "take out" the mosques and Spargo’s requests for staff reductions and the removal of the mosques is seen as an attempt to lower the temperature amongst the more dangerously militant Methodist groupings.

Firebrand Reverend Ezekiel Polkinghorne from Tremethick Cross, known to be a leader of one of the more recklessly dangerous Methodist groupings -- the "Bible Bashers" -- has greeted Spargo’s words with grudging tight-lipped approval, stating merely "It’s a proper job", when asked for his opinion by one of our Reporters.
EXCLUSIVE: identity of royal conman revealed!
by Society Correspondent Rendall Janner

As previously revealed by the the Roundup, "Camilla, Duchess of Cornwall" is actually Lily Nichols, an ex bag-lady from Perranuthnoe, who has succeeded in convincing large sections of the English media that she is an aristocrat.

What has not been known, up to now, is the identity of her con-man partner, who claims to be the "Duke of Cornwall". The pair are shown left, at a charity ball in aid of homeless inebriates. We are assured that tickets for this function cost upwards of £700, and that (in tribute to the supposed beneficiaries of the event) the wine flowed freely, as evidenced by the "Duke"'s rosy nose! We understand that the organizers were so keen to have "royalty" present that they guaranteed Lily a 20% off-the-top rake off. (It's always good to see a local girl better herself. Ed)

The Roundup can now reveal that the "Duke" is actually Bert ("Len") Harvey from Towednack. Len attended the Humphry Davy Grammar School in Penzance, where he came to notice playing upper class twits in school drama productions. After school, Len furthered his acting career by joining the Cripples Ease' Players. His Bertie Wooster in the Cripples' 1964 production of P.G. Wodehouse's Joy in the Morning is still spoken of with awe by those fortunate enough to have witnessed it. Rarely can gormless vacuity have been portrayed so convincingly! The shuffling gait, the vacant grin, the strange, strangulated accent, the awkward hands and feet -- all were perfection. It is easy to see how Len's "Charles" became the perfect foil for Lily's "Camilla".

Len has Show Biz in his blood. He is a nephew of eccentric busker Dickie "Banjo" Trevains (shown left), who entertained generations of commuters at Penzance Railway station by singing, in his falsetto voice, the one song in his repertoire, the Spice Girls’ favourite, "Two become one".

Rest assured that the Roundup will bring you more news of Len and Lily's exploits as we get it.

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Mousehole Girls do us proud!
by Arts Correspondent Rendall Janner

Appearing in the hit musical, South Pacific, being staged at Tremethick Cross, are the following 6 local beauties -- all from the Mousehole vicinity.

From the left can be seen Prudence Pengilly (19) from Tregidden, Patience Daniel (21) from Noongallas, Cordelia Uren (20) from Tredenneck, Hester Lawry (18) from Penhorven, Ethel Nicholls (22) from Tregonwell and Ursula Barnicoat (21) from Rosemorran.

Although they are pictured here fully clothed, the production calls for the girls to perform their song and dance routines in the nude. Initially reluctant to do so, they have overcome their inhibitions for the sake of their art (and for the sake of the additional £5 per head donated by the show’s sponsor, Mr Quentin Bolitho).

This unusual feature of the production has caused it to be packed out night after night, playing to a capacity audience of 5 ever since it opened two days ago.

The musical’s controversial director, ex-Reverend Job Morris, commented "Artistes must be prepared to make small sacrifices for their art and I am pleased to be able to personally confirm that each of the girls has made that sacrifice."

Tickets for the production (at £1.50 each) are available from Friggens dairy and the Alexandra Road Tuck Shop in Penzance, from the Kwop in Newlyn, and from RC Oats’ Superstore in Relubbus.
PC Trembath in trouble again
by Crime Correspondent Rendall Janner

PC "Strikey" Trembath has been in trouble yet again. Although his methods do not always conform to PACE guidelines, they are, he says, always successful.

"I get they buggers and keep bashin’ ‘em till they duh confess!", he said.

Pictured here on the left in happier times, PC Trembath has been accused of using unnecessary force to restrain a suspect.

"I seen this man with a smart car an’ I thought I’ll take ‘ee down a peg or two!"

Trembath approached the man, hit him,and, when the man tried to defend himself, screamed at him "Got you now, you bastard, for attacking a police officer!"

The suspect subjected to this unusual form of questioning was a holidaymaker, who was subsequently released after his claim to be the Chief Constable of West Yorkshire Constabulary turned out to be correct.
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UP CHAPEL
By our Religious Affairs Correspondent Ayatollah Osama Bin Trezidder

Another big turnout was registered for Archilaus Boswedden’s popular evening service at Kenidjack Lane Methodist Chapel.

Once again Archilaus (79) delivered his message in song, taking the trinity as his theme and modifying the Spice Girl’s song Two become One as the prime medium of delivery.

He was accompanied by his sister, Faith, on the banjo and bravely battled with his stammer to give an evening of unparalleled entertainment for four hours.

The battery of sound even succeeded in masking Archilaus’ unfortunate wind problem, although it could do nothing to reduce the impact of his body odour.

The evening was rounded off with a pasty supper, which was attended by the entire congregation of 14.
DOWN PENDRAWARTHA'S
By our Senior Citizen Correspondent Rendall Janner

The atmosphere at Pendrewartha’s Home for the Elderly was enlivened last week by a visit from doughty old amateur impressionist and mime artist, Jehosophat (Joe) Curnow of Praze-an-Beeble, pictured here on the left.

Joe, 85, did his famous routine "Guess ‘oo this is!", giving lively impressions of many folk now long dead -- to the clear delight of the least confused members of his audience. One inmate, Elspeth Kelynack, said "I duh nearly wet myself when ‘ee duh do they voices -- is jes like they people was ‘ere in the room! Course, they’re all passed away now..."

Joe surprised his audience with an unexpected new talent at the end of his performance, when he tried to do his "Chippendale routine". Joe’s performance was sadly interrupted when his colostomy bag ruptured and he had to be rushed to hospital.
OVER ‘ARRY’S
By Crime Correspondent Rendall Janner

‘Arry’s famous Port and Starboard fish and chip shop at Gurnard’s Head was the scene of some considerable disturbance over the past week, as the establishment has been picketed by ‘Arry’s common-law wife, Bessie Peninula (35), after a disagreement about Bessie’s steadfast refusal to wash.

Accompanied by a local vagrant, Ernie Trewerne (39), and also by her flatulent pet Rottweiler, "Scrapper", Bessie has been accosting every prospective fish and chip purchaser in an attempt to persuade them to take their custom elsewhere.

This "persuasion" has occasionally been too physically aggressive and police (PC Derek Borlase) were called to the scene on three separate occasions to rescue purchasers from the attentions of the desperate trio. One such victim, Ebenezer Clemo of Tregeagle Farm, had to be rushed to Treliske hospital after a good bashing, with Scrapper still firmly attached to his left calf. Victim and attacker were later separated in what Dr Robert Behenna (41) described "as a challenging operation".

Miss Peninula of Gweles Estate and Mr Trewerne of no fixed abode will appear before Relubbus magistrates next Monday.
IN SCHOOL
By Education Correspondent Rendall Janner

Cleared at last week’s magistrates’ court of "behaviour unbecoming a headmaster" and other related charges, James Bovenna (pictured below) led the school in a rousing performance of Cabaret, in which he took the part of Sally Bowles in a convincing role, despite the handicap of his weight (24 stone) and confinement to a wheelchair.

In the same production, precocious and surprisingly well-developed 12-year-old Zelda Pender managed to squeeze in four separate performances of her "dance of the seven veils", a routine that members of the Penzance Lodge of Freemasons will be well familiar with.

Trevor Bolitho, Chairman of Cornwall County Council’s Education Committee and a co-opted member of the Culture Committee of the Greater Relubbus Urban Council (GRUC) said that both Committees were not happy about the goings-on at the school and that Mr Bovenna was not "off the hook yet".

Zelda has undoubtedly brought much pleasure and many a happy smile to the Freemasons at Penzance. However, the Committee men are not happy about Mr Bovenna’s influence on some pupils at the school. Concern was greatest over his "Life skills" extra-curricular programme for senior girls, about which investigators have been able to discover very little.

Effusive Zelda (pictured left and unbelievably still only 12) is an ardent supporter of Mr Bovenna. "I aren’t very good at sums an’ writin’ an’ I was some thrilled when Sir said I ‘ad ‘idden talents, wot only needed to be brought on a bit -- so me an’ Susie Trewin stayed behind school for they special classes. I’s all done wonders fer me. I got one o’ they BWM cars now, which I can’t wait to learn to drive."

Mothers of both girls, who live next door to each other on the sprawling and infamous Carntreth Estate in Relubbus, are thrilled and totally supportive of Mr Bovenna. Said Mrs Pender, "I’m some glad that Zelda’s getting’ on at last. She duh ‘elp me out with fags now an again an you tell me ‘ow many other girls ’er age have got one o' they MBW cars?!"


ALL THIS WEEK AT THE RELUBBUS MULTIPLEX
THE LATEST BLOCKBUSTER!




SPARTACUS

starring KIRK DOUGLAS, LAURENCE OLIVIER, JEAN SIMMONS, and CHARLES LAUGHTON


1:30 p.m, 4:30 p.m., 7:30 p.m.







ROUNDUP VISITS INDIAN EMBASSY
by our Diplomatic Correspondent Rendall Janner

Continuing our journey amongst the huge diplomatic community in Relubbus, we had the pleasure of calling in at the Indian Embassy, which is in Boswedden Lane, on the opposite side of Mrs Tregarthen’s house to the Pakistani Embassy.

It is a great pleasure because, alone amongst all the 350 embassies in Relubbus, the Indian Embassy doubles up as a restaurant (curiously named "The Embassy") and takeaway, as well as a regular diplomatic establishment.

Pictured on the left is His Excellency Mr Thakurjeet Singh, his wife Preet, their two sons, Pavitar (with beard) and Lakhbir, and two daughters, Amrit (left) and Jasmindar.

The whole family is engaged in the restaurant business and it is going so well that they are thinking of opening up a Consulate (and takeaway) in Marazion.

Given the often frosty relations between Pakistan and India, Mr Singh diplomatically preferred not to comment on Councillor Spargo’s call for the Pakistani Embassy to be down-sized.

With many a side-to-side shake of the head, he stated "Ve are happy with GRUC decisions in all matters and are finding it absolutely tophole to be here in Relubbus. It is of inestimable value to India to have good relations vith Relubbus and ve are happy that Councillor Spargo is man ve can do business vith. Oh! Oh! Oh! Ve are also happy that many folk in Relubbus are people ve can do business vith. Takeaways are doing well, especially Saturdays and you can’t get in here then vithout booking!"

So, if you fancy a curry you can do no better than popping along to the Embassy!
POETRY CORNER
with Literary Correspondent Emily Bindweed

Many people have wondered from where the boy-prodigy poet, Philip Trudgeon, got his talent. The answer is quite clearly that it is his mother, Ariminta, who passed on the poetic gene to her lucky son.

Here, Ariminta, who is 28, publishes a poetic tour de force of her own, for the first time.

Ariminta is pictured on the left in a shot taken at the Helford passage, just after she has successfully landed a large fish.

Her moving piece is entitled Goin’ up Truro.




Goin' Up Truro

I dearly like to gwup Truro -- the shops there are some smart.
You got more choice than you got down ‘ere -- and they aren’t too busy neither.

I wen’ up there las’ week with Aggie Trewelah. You duh knaw she!
‘Er daughter was the one oo got pregnant at 13 by that butcher’s boy.

We ‘ad a nice cup tea in Marks, but you won’t bleeve wot appended nex’.
Aggie got her ‘eel caught in a gratin’ an’ it come off, so she ‘ad to buy emergency shoes.

Sum game that was! When we wuz goin roun’, we bumped into Kitty Polglaze, oo duh live at the end of the road.

She duh think she’s God’s gift, now er ‘usbant got a car with ‘is job. We shall never ‘ear the last ovun.

Well anyway, I never did manage to get the wool to match the cardigan I started las’ year fer Jimmy. The lady in the shop said she thought it wadden bein maneefactured no more.

So 4.30 pm, ‘ome again on the bus. Rainon all the way ‘ome. Never mind, is always nice to gwup Truro.
OO’s DEAD?
Our popular Obituaries section

Relubbus was suffused with grief last week by the wholly unexpected news that Miss Morwenna Pellow has sadly passed away.

Miss Pellow, plucked from our midst at the tender age of 94, will be sorely missed by the whole community. She is in the middle of the childhood picture on the left, between her two elder sisters, Zenobia and Loveday.

Derek Bolitho (84) and Clarence Penhaligon (78) were both "waiting on" Miss Pellow. However, this was all to no avail as the entire estate passes on to her two elder sisters, the Misses Pellow. Miss Pellow left £184,000.

IN THE NEXT BUMPER ISSUE

• EXCLUSIVE: SPARGO AND MADAME SARKOZY IN SECRET LOVE TRYST! Diplomatic Correspondent Rendell Janner tells all!

• EXCLUSIVE: US TO BECOME PART OF RELUBBUS! Diplomatic Correspondent Rendell Janner with a scoop!

• DISTRAUGHT BEVERLEY: Social Affairs Correspondent Rendell Janner tells the moving story of one single mum's plight.
  

• My PROFESSOR'S A CHIMP! Arts Correspondent Rendell Janner reports on the furore at Relubbus Conservatoire.
  

• AMERICAN - CORNISH PHRASEBOOK: Linguistics Advisor Rendell Janner provides some helpful phrases.
  

• TREVASKIS TO LAUNCH HOSTILE TAKEOVER BID FOR TESCO: Business Correspondent Rendell Janner brings you the latest from the financial markets.

• A MAGICAL EVENING WITH MAHLER AND BOTHERAS: Music Correspondent Professor D. Behenna describes a virtuoso performance by the Relubbus Triangle and Kazoo quintet.
  

• Inside the Saudi Embassy in Relubbus: Diplomatic Correspondent Rendell Janner visits the Saudi Arabian representative in Relubbus.
  

• Another edition of our socially-responsible "Lonely Hearts" column.
  

• And much, much more!

Issue 5, 18th June 2007

CAMILLA: SHOCKING REVELATIONS

Shown on the left is "Camilla" (not her real name), who has convinced large sections of the English media that she is an aristocrat -- namely, the "Duchess of Cornwall". While practising this deceit she is often seen in the company of a rangey, gormless-looking individual with a strange accent who claims to be the "Duke of Cornwall".

We put "Camilla"'s claims to famed Cornish historian, Dr. A.L. Prowse, who debunked them in typically forthright style:

"Her claims are patently false, since legally Cornwall has been a republic, with its own Parliament (latterly conveniently unrecognized by the English), since the Middle Ages. The last independent king of Cornwall was Hywel, in the 9th century A.D."

In fact, the Roundup can now reveal that "Camilla" is none other than Lily Nichols, a bag-lady from Perranuthnoe, who is well known throughout West Penwith. In former years, her stock-in-trade was to beg, tearfully, gullible-looking tourists in Penzance to "lend" her £2, so that she could catch the "Rapide" to visit a dangerously ill relative in Truro hospital. A couple of hours later, she could usually be seen staggering out of the First and Last, sometimes unaided.

Lily has clearly advanced in her chosen profession and the Roundup wishes her well. The downside to her success, as she candidly admitted to us, is that she can no longer work in her beloved Cornwall, where her preposterous claims would be ridiculed. However, as she says, "the pickings are richer over the border!"
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"I AM THE RE-INCARNATION OF HENRY VIII"!
Miss Tamazine Retallack (28), of Leskinnick Terrace, Penzance, is a quiet unassuming local girl, who has so far avoided publicity of any sort. A Sunday School teacher at Mount Street Methodist Church, she believes in a life of total abstinence.

Her only weaknesss is her fondness for fresh air, which she indulges by "air-surfing". Invented by herself, this consists of running around isolated beauty spots in the nude, "letting the air take me". In this possibly dangerous pursuit, she has been protected by her father, who stands guard and collects viewing charges from any gentlemen who happen on the scene by chance.

Last Monday, Miss Retallack shocked her employers by using a megaphone to announce to all patrons of the Library present at the time that she was, in fact, none other than the re-incarnation of King Henry VIII.

Miss Retallack is now being examined at the Barncoose Hospital for the irrevocably confused. Doctors tell us that Miss Retallack’s stay could be a long one.
MILLIONAIRE ROSUDGEON RECLUSE (62) SEEKS YOUNG WIFE FOR CHILDBEARING
Rosudgeon recluse, Jasper Behenna, has emerged into the light of day after withdrawing himself from society for the past 25 years. He has declared to the village his intention of finding a suitable young woman to marry so that the world will not be denied the chance of having living replicas of his ownestimable self.

Mr Behenna has lived with only his collection of goats for company for the past quarter century. Inevitably, he has become particularly attached to certain of his animals over the years and he has made it clear that his new wife -- whoever she may be - must accept the close bond he has forged with Henry, his ram.

Henry is an accomplished xylophone player and enjoys a glass of cider in the evenings when nestling down with Jasper. "I am sure that some young lady out there will appreciate an easy life of loving and giving with Henry and myself", says Jasper.

Roundup unmasks member of St Buryan Music Combo!
A perplexing cloak of mystery surrounds the new music combo that has taken West Penwith by storm in recent weeks, Their greatest moment was their performance last week before a packed crowd of 9 people at St John's Hall in Penzance. As they always appear in make-up and clown outfits, no one has a clue who they could be -- or didn't before the newshounds of the Roundup got on the case.

We can now reveal that the double bass player is none other than Larson Trevaskis, who, as reported in this paper, appeared before Bodmin magistrates last year on several counts of interfering with animals. Mr Trevaskis (45) of Chyangwens, Boswedden Lane, St Just, lost his job with the RSPCA as a result. Mr Trevaskis would not comment today on the Roundup’s unmasking of his new musical persona. Investigations continue as to the identity of the other players. Watch this space.
LOCAL DOCTOR IN SEX SCANDAL
The West Cornwall medical world was rocked by revelations made by a Ludgvan housewife, Mrs Everelda Fidock (57), about a leading Relubbas physician, Dr Jeremiah Tonkin.

Mother of 12 Mrs Fidock (left) attended Dr Tonkin’s surgery to seek his help following persistent attacks of flatulence over a period of 5 days.

"I tried everything myself to try and shift ‘un, but I jes couldn' stop fartin'. The las' straw was las' Sunday when I was up Chapel. The Minister asked we to pause fer silent reflection. It went on fer minutes and I felt a belter comin' on. I squeezed and shuffled, but couldn shut n off. Then out it came, like a blast from a git foghorn. I never bin so embarrassed, didn' know where to look. Everyone looked at me, so I felt I 'ad to say something and I said "I’m sorry about coughing so loud. I’m goin' straight up to Dr Tonkin’s tomorrow to sort n out."

Respected, but somewhat eccentric physician, Dr Tonkin (pictured on the left) has acquired a reputation for his sometimes unorthodox approach to diagnosis. In Mrs Fidock's case, Dr Tonkin insisted on cutting away the patient's clothing until she was entirely naked, as a prelude to various intimate examinations of several hours duration. Eventually, he was able to conclude that Mrs Fidock had a "gippy tummy", for which he prescribed aspirin accompanied by vigorous press-ups. Various other female patients of the Relubbus surgery have now come forward to make similar allegations of impropriety in respect of Dr Tonkin. The doctor has remained steadfastly quiet in the face of these rumblings of discontent. A co-opted member of the Greater Relubbus Urban Council (GRUC) , Dr Tonkin continues to enjoy the full support of the council, according to Councillor Billy Spargo.
POLICE NOTICE: HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MAN?

Police are on the lookout for a hardened member of the West Penwith criminal community and ask the public to report him on sight. The man, pictured here on the left, is Jimmy "Boots bag" Dash. Wanted for eleven robbery attempts (all failed), the latest of which took place last Saturday at Spiegelhalter’s in Causewayhead, Penzance, Dash is believed to have slipped into the underworld of Crows an Wra.

LONELY HEARTS

Alfonso Trembath, 37, of Tremethick Cross, wishes to meet a young lady who will share his life of derring do. Alfonso believes that he is Zorro. However, now that the police have taken away his swords and have him under close 24-hour observation, they believe that he is relatively safe to remain in the community.

Pictured at home, wearing his favourite indoor hat and cloak and clutching the remains of a takeaway rat in a brown paper bag, Alfonso looks forward to his advert resulting in a string of intimacies with young ladies -- possibly and hopefully simultaneously. Hidden in the picture is Alfonso’s bedridden 78 year old mother, Bathsheba, whose head and upper body have been covered in an old carpet for the photo. Alfonso expects that the new lady of his life will also become a carer for his mother, thus relieving him of a burden to which his mental challenges render him unequal. Box 3067

Abdul al Islamiye al Qabar al Pendeen (48) is a lonely man. Living on the outskirts of Pendeen, Abdul cannot remember how he came to leave his native Saudi Arabia to live in Cornwall, where, for the past 30 years, he has lived most unhappily alone. Entirely content in his career as a bus conductor for Western National, where he specialised in the Penzance- St Just route, he finds that his non-professional life does not live up to expectations.

"I have no wife to share me, there is it no mosque in Pendeen, no Muslim social club. I spit on your pubs and loose women, who do not cover it up themselves. Cornwall is it soon to be all Muslim -- all women cover it. I close it all pubs, make all speak Arabic. I introduce it Sharia law throughout whole Pendeen and whole Cornwall. I make it all you suffer for it you laugh at me. [There is no box number for this ad as Abdul does not seek a woman from outside his community. He merely wishes to use these columns to make his feelings known. Ed]

Derick Penberthy (42) of Ludgvan is a farm labourer with a profound love of the natural world. Known locally as "frying pan", because of the frying pan he has clutched in his right hand since the age of 6, he is still able to complete all the jobs his employer tasks him with, using his left hand alone. Derick lives -- alone -- in a hedge on the Relubbus road and is looking for someone with whom he can share those tender moments that characterise the love between two people. Any women who see in Derick the challenge they have been waiting for are invited to write in to Box 3456.

Benjy Trewern (38) describes himself as "one o' they execeetive posh types, what duh earn lotsa money". Benjy lives in the Nanjizel home for the dangerously disturbed. He spends his busy days in the dissection of any living things that cross his path, with rats being a special treat. Benjy isn’t really allowed to associate with people outside the home without two male warders present. However, having now weaned himself off his obsession with Baby Spice, he is open to approaches from other women. Any young ladies with qualifications and experience in handling the dangerously disturbed and who believe that they can already see the light of a big potential love shining from Benjy’s eyes are asked to write to Box 5623.

Lucretia Bolitho (28) likes fun, fun and more fun. A happy-go-lucky waitress from the Newlyn Meadery, Lucretia was the All-Cornwall Tiddlywinks champion in 2005, and also holds a record for underwater ironing. She is sad that she has never had a boyfriend before ("someone to share some jokes and fun with!") and is now ready to rumba with the right man.

Lucretia is doing an Open University degree in Clowning and has lodged a patent on her own whoopee cushion invention, using her own captured wind. She is seeking a young man who will share her interests and make her laugh. Box 4981.

Violet Tregonning (54) is a solicitor from Copperhouse, Hayle. Violet has varied interests, ranging from Bible study classes, to singing in the chapel choir, to Sunday School mistress. She is a keen member of the Old Cornwall Society and collects money for the British Heart Foundation and the Liberal Club. She is also a lifelong member of the RSPB. Following the recent unfortunate passing away of her sister, Violet now lives alone. She would now like to explore sharing her life with a man.

She has a particular interest in finding out more about the Kama Sutra, which she believes to be an oriental exercise book and would also like to try breakdancing. Lovestruck Romeos are asked to write in to Box 6730.

IN THE NEXT BUMPER ISSUE

• EXCLUSIVE: Bush and Putin to set up home in Relubbus!
  

• Sugar "hopping mad" as Relubbus TV steals his ratings

• Camilla loses it! How her true identity was almost revealed!
  

• Relubbus man's around-the-world balloon flight attempt

• Roy Orbison spotted in TESCO!

• Report on the Tibetan Embassy in Relubbus

• Explosive interview with Parmenus Jelbart, Chairman of the Tregeseal IAQS

• Vickery sacked by Relubbus RFC!
  

• "Your Stars", with guest astrologer Swami Bhindra Conumdrum

• Our socially-responsible "Lonely Hearts" column: find that special someone
  

• And much, much more!