Put on this world by the power above
We are destined here to seek out love.
But, if you’ve knocked in vain at love’s bright door
Choose from these ads and knock no more!
We are pleased to be able to post details of those who are looking for love in West Penwith, knowing that we are helping love’s echo to find its way home by bringing you together.
Sister Demelza (31), who achieved fame by becoming top goal scorer in the West Penwith 
Methodist Nuns’ football league (2nd Division) has decided that it is time to call ‘Dun Nunning’ and to re-enter the secular world, find a man and have kiddies.
Having belonged to the most liberal wing of Methodist Nuns, Demelza is not entirely foreign to the ways of the world, having worked part time at the St Buryan Inn as a barmaid and ‘private’ lap dancer.
Demelza states that “I have kept myself for my husband and would now like him to step forward - but I want a man who can dribble better than me!” Apply through Mother Superior at the St Buryan Methodist Nunnery on 674 302.
Dick “Gloria” Penhallow (31) is a gas fitter and something of a loner from Heamoor. Dick has 
had a string of unsatisfactory relationships, but insists that guinea pigs are now very firmly part of his past.
He would like to meet a young woman who will be prepared to provide him with practical help on nights out, which he would like to enjoy as “Gloria”, sharing gossip, giggles and girly tips on make-up, nail polish, shoes and the like.
When not Gloria, Dick is a man’s man. Most evenings he comes into town at around 7.00 pm and chooses to drink at the White Hart Inn in Mount Street until closing time, consuming on average 7 pints a night. Whilst ideally seeking a girly friend for Gloria, Dick will be happy to meet anyone who would be prepared to spend some time with him or Gloria. Heamoor 678 345
Gladys Punge (28) is a Primary School teacher from Rosudgeon. Gladys is a fan of traditional 
jazz, a keen member of her local WI, and loves baking special cakes for her pet crocodile.
Absolutely devoted to her job, she cannot envisage stopping to have children of her own, “As I’ve got 30 children of my own already – every year!”
A gifted clarinettist, she is a member of the Prah Sands underwater wind orchestra. Gladys has been affianced on three previous occasions, but unfortunately all three young men died in unfortunate drownings off Prah Sands, whilst out swimming with Gladys. Rosudgeon 764 357
Lorenzo Colenso (25, formerly Tommy Trevains) is a unisex toenail pedicurist from Morvah, where he runs three toenail salons catering for both male and female members of the local farming community.
Lorenzo hears ‘voices’ and believes that he is destined to fall in a love with an overweight, much older woman “with challenging feet”. He is therefore only interested in meeting obese females over the age of 65.
Having overcome all his considerable learning difficulties, ‘Cappen’ Jacko Trembath (35) is, by 
day, a highly qualified and capable gentlemen’s outfitter at Jacobs in Market Jew Street in Penzance. Being something of a fantasist, once he has got home of an evening and has eaten all his tea, he becomes Cappen Trembath – a pirate king.
A gentleman of some considerable charm, he is the epitome of eloquence, once one has got used to the fact that he pronounces all his ‘r’s as ‘l’s and vice versa. Morvah 546 234
Lobwid Dlud (16) is a deckchair attendant at Marazion beach. Despite her young years, she already claims to have a degree in Mathematics from Cambridge University, as well as a Divinity degree from Rosudgeon Polytechnic.
Having lost all sense of proportion in a tiddlywinks competition two years ago, she has now taken to wearing extravagant hats in a vain attempt at compensation.
She claims to have an anatomical ‘deviation’, which she says will make her very popular amongst men, but she won’t say what it is. If you want to find out… phone Marazion 653976
Angel Fuddlewit (25) is a successful post-operative, who now can’t wait to get out there to 
show off. Angel is an unemployed musketeer living in Paul, where he has founded the West Penwith Musketeers' company, of which he is President, Secretary and sole member.
He remains brightly optimistic that things will soon begin to “look up” on the musketeering front, which he accepts has been “a bit quiet” in recent centuries.
He certainly believes that he will be a much more successful musketeer than would have been possible had he remained a woman, when the only employment he had been able to find was as a junior at Shelley’s Hair & Beauty in St Just.
Now, he is ‘a new man’ and he is looking for a woman to share his life. Paul 764 239
LONELY HEARTS OF WEST PENWITH
PERSONALITY OF THE YEAR 2008
By our celebrity and psychiatric correspondent, Professor Doktor Heinrich Pfeifentabak
The Professor Doktor is renowned as a therapist (NOT, he insists, as "the rapist”), who provides much needed help to the fragile egos of the rich and famous, who can afford his, frankly exorbitant, fees.
It is therefore no surprise that his clientele is drawn from such hotbeds of affluent celebrity as the Pacific Palisades, Hollywood and Bel Air in Los Angeles, as well as from the even more upmarket Boswedden Lane in Relubbus, Pengersick Lane in Germoe, and the sumptuous beachside villas of Praa Sands.
In this article, he draws on his intimate acquaintance with the world of celebrity to give his ‘top tips’ on the contenders for this year’s “Personality of the Year” Award, which is presented by the committee of the Relubbus Lesbian Underwater Knitters’ and Wrestlers’ Association.
Insiders will not be surprised at the Professor’s first choice, which is that of the ‘Marazion Bookends’, a gay Marazion couple, who have made enormous strides – and sacrifices – to further the physical practice of gay love, which they have made available to the general public in their Christmas book from Long Rock Publications entitled “What’s your bent? The Third Sex – in our own words”.
The pair, Leonard Cock (51) on the left and Dick Head (48) on the right, are both butchers, who met whilst attending a seven month “Know your meat” course at the St Buryan Higher Institute Fer Meat Slicing and Sausage-making four years ago. Says Leonard, “It was love at first sight. As soon as I’d seen ov un, I knew ‘ee was the one!”.
Dick was even more direct in his words, which, for legal reasons, cannot be reproduced here.
Professor Pfeifentabak says, “Zeir exact mapping of ze precise topography of same-sex matings defies belief. If you put zis togezzer viz ze astounding quality of zeir pork sausages, you must be on a vinner!”
There is little doubt in the correctness of Pfeifentabak’s selection for bravest politician of the year. Sylvia Burlesque-Only’s tragic hair loss is a story with which men the world over can sympathise and empathise.
This shy and retiring miniscule Italian (now still only 41 according to his press profile, but who began losing his hair 39 years ago!) was obliged to meet world leaders wearing a handkerchief on his head to hide the stridently obvious emergency repairs to his rapidly disappearing thatch. He was only able to bear this enormous humiliation by taking absurdly strong ‘happy’ drugs, topped up with regular swigs from Bolster’s Blood from Driftwoods Spars’ Brewery from St Agnes in Kernow. With tears in his eyes, Signor Burlesque-Only said, “I no wanna be a baldie! I’m a too younga for that!”
The state of hair loss proved so grave that it was too much of a challenge even for the top surgeons of Italy and then Relubbus, which was the final port of call for Signor Burlesque-Only in his desperate quest for a new thatch.
Professor Doktor Pfeifentabak comments, “Zis poor man has hat to vear a a vig to cover up his hair loss and zat is a vig, vich can be spotted at a distance of 5 kilometres. Despite zis, ze Signor maintains a level of heppy jollity, vich is truly marvellous, ven everyvun is laughing et him!”
Pfeifentabak’s third hot tip for the top is legendary, but enigmatic, unconventional and, some say, highly controversial Relubbus sculptress Nellie Launder (34). Nellie is shown here playing her favourite ‘ball-less golf’, which has the great advantages that it can be played indoors as well as outdoors and it also involves no walking.
Nellie’s works can be viewed throughout Cornwall and also abroad, where many of her ‘pieces’ have been acquired by those fortunate few with the right sort of money. However, she started from humble beginnings.
A graduate of Skudjick Secondary School many years ago, Nellie’s early career was spent in Toppers Hairdressing Salon in Godolphin Road in Long Rock, where 7 years of dedicated application led to her assuming the exalted position of ’junior’. It was her role to ask customers if they were doing anything interesting for the weekend and to enquire whether they wanted a cup of tea or coffee.
This involvement led to her sculptural experimentation with tea leaves and hair. Throwing out a heap of such stuff one day, she was accosted by a passing Tory toff millionaire, Old Etonian, David Cameron, who asked her what she would take for ‘her creation’.
Nellie, not being the cleverest or quickest, did not respond immediately, whereupon the fool Cameron kept on upping the price until he reached the mind-boggling (for Nellie!) sum of £700,000. Then she agreed the sale and, finally catching on, also agreed to deliver such ‘works’ to Cameron and his loaded pals on a daily basis. She has never looked back.
Says Pfeifentabak, “Zis young lady has unremarkable substances taken and she hes made zem completely remarkable. She is a great artist!!"
Pfeifentabak’s last tip is the Relubbus Renaissance man himself, Dougie Bosvargoe (35). Nature has displayed great partiality in loading one person with so many gifts.
Bosvargoe is known as a cross-dressing heart surgeon at the famed Prospidnick American Hospital; as a xylophonist of international reputation; as a master of lower Algonquian poetry and also as a Western National bus driver on the Penzance St Ives route.
Pfeifentabak comments, “Zat vun men should so many abilities hev, is not fair! My money must be on zis last top tip!!"
Results will be published in the Roundup next week.
