UPDATE ON MUSIC SCENE IN RELUBBUS

By Dr Dristan Behenna (109)
Professor Emeritus of Contemporary Music at the Relubbus Conservatoire

It is a particular pleasure for me to be asked by the Relubbus press to keep my finger on the pulse of young people’s music. I like youth and its fresh skin, so unlike the dry papery material that clothes my own poor, tired body.

I do remember going to the lavatory in 2005 and, held up by my faithful nurse (Fidgewick, a dear man, despite the leg iron), I directed a weak, and much interrupted, stream of urine into the bowl for what seemed like hours, but which was, in fact, no more than 37 minutes. I remember that moment of achievement as though it were yesterday, but Fidgewick tells me that it was three years ago!

Fidgewick wheels me out to the Relubbus Vinyl Music store twice a week and it is there that I meet the young bloods, who tell me what is all the rage and play their music as loud as they can directly into my ear trumpet, so that I can pick up something of the rhythm.

It once came through so loud and clear one fine summer evening two years ago that I almost lost my blanket with the excitement of it all. Oh the joy! as Lionel’s young hot-blooded hands came near my tired trousers to restore the blanket – my body knew that it would have achieved an erection (O sweet but very distant memories!) had it been just a few decades younger!

But enough of my musings – back to the music of the young people. I can tell you that, here and now, in Relubbus in November 2008:

Skiffle’s all the rage in Boswedden Lane!!

Chas and Mark Sharatt

Little known fact about Mark (on guitar) is that he has absolutely no willy.

However, this does not hold him back in the girl stakes. 76% of females describe Mark as their "ideal man".



Alex Whitehouse, Guitar; John Paul (obscured), Bass; Chas; Marc Sharratt, Washboard; Dennis Carter, Guitar
John Paul is, of course, obscured because of the frightening appearance of this aggressively naturist musician. His unorthodox plucking style seems to excite merely amazement and no outrage. "How does he DO that?" is particularly a question one hears from the envious young men in the audience.

Frankie Lymon & The Teenagers with Billie Anthony & Chas.

This enchanting photo captures the moment when the grand-daughter of the Greater Relubbus Urban Council (GRUC) leader, Billy Spargo, Wendy Spargo, was photographed with the group.

It captures the unspoilt seconds before Wendy ("Windy Wendy") had one of her unfortunate 'accidents' because of the excitement of it all.

Some of the titles sound so daring and exciting – I am surprised that they haven’t yet been banned. Even I have heard of the strict demands of the Methodist fundamentalists ("Drinkon’, dancon’, singon’ – work o’ the dev'l!").

The titles of what is known as the ‘Top Ten’ are as follows:

1) Does your chewing gum lose its flavour on the bedpost overnight?

2) Don’t tell me you forgot to put the cat out

3) I want to work on the buses when I grow up

4) I think that these socks could do a with a wash

5) I left my trousers in the garden hut

6) Did I tell you that I am wearing dentures?

7) I want to share my duffle coat with you

8) I love you almost as much as I love CND

9) I think that those shoes could do with a polish

10) I think that Granpa’s wet himself again

Finally, a picture of some of the young things (average age 24) dancing wildly to No.6.







Even my nose is telling me that I need to be changed now. “Fidgewick, my dear man, you can soon take that peg off your nose, we are heading home for 'changies'."

REDRUTH RFC MOVE UP CARN BREA

SPORTS NEWS
by our Rugby Correspondent, "Old Prop"
At a packed public meeting yesterday, Redruth RFC unveiled the design of their exciting new stadium, which is to be built on the slopes of Carn Brea hill. The picture above shows an artist's impression of what the new stadium will look like.

It will be known as the "Trevaskis Stadium", after Long Rock multi-billionaire W.G. Trevaskis, who has donated most of the funding.

However, there was strong opposition to the plans from the four members of the public present, who claimed that the new structure would be an "eyesore" and totally out of keeping with the wild beauty of the hill.

In response, Redruth's Director of Rugby, Denzil Penberthy, claimed that the move to the new stadium was "essential, if us is gonna play in the English Premiership. The Rec. [the Reds' old ground] ain't up to Premiership standards, so us don' 'ave no choice."

The rugby correspondent of the Daily Telegraph, one of many reporters present from the national press, expressed surprise at the slope of the pitch. (There will be a 20-metre drop between the south-east and north-west corners of the pitch.) Mr Penberthy explained that this was quite deliberate. The layout of the pitch, he said, sought to recreate the conditions of the famed "Hell Fire Corner" at the Rec. [The ground slopes away quite markedly towards one corner at the Rec. Ed.]

"Us duh like tuh play down the slope, towards our supporters in 'ell Fire," said Mr Penberthy. "Us jes' thought we'd make 'un a bit steeper, 'as all."

The man from the Telegraph, not to be denied, pointed out that for one half of each game the Reds would have to play uphill, and the advantage would then lie with their opponents.

"'Es, well", said Mr Penberthy, "us'll jes 'ave tuh dig in. 'Sides, us duh 'ave another plan. We's gonta leave some o' they bleddy git granite boulders on the pitch, jes under the grass. 'Course, only us'll knaw where the buggers are. They git Londun jessies'll be bleddy black an' blue by 'alf time!"
RELUBBUS TOP TEN May 2008

1. Old Shep Elvis Presley
2. Brown-eyed 'Ansom Man Buddy Holly
3. Only the Lonely Roy Orbison
4. You Never Can Tell Chuck Berry
5. Waterloo Abba
6. Pretty Flamingo Manfred Mann
7. Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band Beatles
8. This Is My Song Petula Clarke
9. A Whiter Shade of Pale Procul Harum
10. San Francisco (Be Sure To Wear Some Flowers In Your Hair) Scott MCKenzie

Issue 12, 24th September 2007

EXTREMIST MINISTER CALLS FOR METHODIST JIHAD
By Political Correspondent Loveday Olds

His Holiness, the Very Reverend Ezekiel Polkinghorne, the spiritual leader of the extreme Relubbus Methodist sect the Bible Bashers (also known as the Puritans), has called for a jihad against "all unbelievers, non-believers, false believers, and infidels". The groups prescribed by His Holiness are thought to include atheists, agnostics, all followers of non-Christian religions, all followers of non-Methodist Christian sects, and all followers of Methodist sects other than the Bible Bashers -- in fact, everyone who is not a Bible Basher.

The Reverend Polkinghorne is an impassioned and charismatic speaker, who frequently brings tears to the eyes of his audience. The following is an extract from a moving speech to the Bible Bashers' military wing, the Bibel Fascisti Kernewek, that I, as a mere woman, was privileged to hear:

"Females must be meek and submissive. In public, they must cover their hair and wear modest garments of rough grey cloth that cover them from neck to ankle. Jewellery and adornment of any kind are prohibited. Face painting is the mark of Satan: if any are found with it upon them, it must be scoured off, using a wire brush!

"A female must not speak in the presence of men, unless specifically given permission by her father or husband. If she is permitted, on rare occasions, to speak, she must speak softly and briefly, keeping her eyes downcast.

"Theatres, cinemas, newspapers, television, all are the works of Satan! They shall go to the fire! Chairs are a luxury: the devout must sit upon a spike!

"The day is coming when the whole country will think as we do! All shall be Bible Bashers! Those that perversely resist the Word of God must be rooted out and burnt, like rotten trees.

"All shall attend chapel four times a day. If any fail, they must be reported by their neighbours, so that they may be whipped.

"To you young men falls the glorious task of converting the non-believers and rooting out the infidels. We shall use all the means at our disposal and some of you will fall in the struggle. Be assured that, if you fall while fighting in God's cause, you will go straight to Paradise!"
SPARGO STATUE "TOO YOUTHFUL"
By Political Correspondent Loveday Olds
A political row has broken out about the proposed statue of Billy Spargo (78), the Leader of the Greater Relubbus Urban Council (GRUC), that is to be erected at the summit of Trencrom hill. At Friday's Full Council Meeting, Stanislav Friggens, the dairy magnate and leader of the opposition Wesleyan Independent Methodist Party (the WIMPs), accused Councillor Spargo of "self-aggrandisement" and of "wasting public funds on personal gratification". He also said that the statue was "ridiculously youthful" in appearance, and bore very little resemblance to the 83-year-old Mr Spargo.

The statue, by the renowned Australian sculptor Ralph Harris, is shown on the left.

In a furious response, Councillor Spargo accused Councillor Friggens of being a "pinko lefty" and "a closet agent of the People's Republic of Hayle, with whom we are currently at war!"

At this, pandemonium broke out in the council chamber, and this correspondent witnessed scenes that she never had before and devoutly wishes that she may never see again! Councillor grappled with councillor, and soon the floor was covered with pairs of men trying ineffectually to throttle each other.

Eventually the police were called, and Sergeant Chappell arrived by bicycle from Crowlas. By this time, most of the councillors were too exhausted for further fighting, and the meeting ended by general agreement.

It's rumoured that the statue of Councillor Spargo cost in excess of £250,000, so we've probably not heard the last of this one.
ADVERTISEMENT
Penhaligon’s Bogapede comes to town!
Renowned Long Rock inventor, Perseus Penhaligon, has done it again, bringing to the market something others just wouldn’t think of -- the Bogapede.

It is a cross between a bicycle and a toilet. The picture features the deluxe model, which also has a bidet for those with French ways.

The Bogapede is set to revolutionise cycle transport in coming years. Says Penhaligon "People with incontinence problems couldn’t go cycling before. But now they never need be caught short again. They can just saddle up and set off and, if they feel the need, they can just do it -- wherever they like and even clean up French-wise afterwards, if they are that way inclined."

The doubtful reader might be wondering what you would do if the need suddenly took you halfway up Market Jew Street in Penzance. The artful Penhaligon has an answer for everything -- in this case a plastic sheeting secured to the cycle helmet, which hides the straining cyclist from prying eyes. Additional privacy is afforded by the deluxe model, which will play -- loudly -- the music of your choice so that your noisesome endeavours will remain unheard by passing members of the public. A can of "Spring Meadow" airspray can also be purchased to remove any olfactory clues as to the goings-on under the sheeting.

The potential market of cycling incontinents is estimated by Penhaligon to be huge "There are at least three people in Long Rock alone who could use one!" he says.

He now offers the Bogapede to the general public at a mere £1,765.99 (£200 extra for the deluxe model) and can be contacted at the Shed, Trevaskis Lane, Long Rock.
GET YOUR ORDER IN QUICKLY!
WESTERN ROCK GOES BUST!
By Financial Correspondent Duane Polkinghorne
Financial markets have been deeply unsettled by the collapse in the US sub-prime lending market. Put simply, banks lent money to people who couldn’t really afford it. They did so by lending without applying the usual credit appraisal techniques. They then packaged up the loans and parcelled them out to lenders all over the world, selling them for good money, thus spreading the risk. As the inevitable bad debts rolled in, the "value" of these parcels came into question, banks came to mistrust one another and only lent to the very best names.

Now the sorry saga has even come to infect the otherwise impeccable good name of Relubbus financial institutions. The well-known Western Rock has apparently been buying up a lot of these cheap, and now suspect, loan parcels and it now finds that it cannot raise funds in the market against them to fund its mortgages.

The Chief Executive of the Western Rock, Jasper Angwin (45) is remarkably calm given the furore that now besets his business. Interviewed in his car whilst stopping at a red light on his way to an urgent meeting at Newquay airport, he said "I aren’t too worried. None o’ they people should worry neither. Their money is safe with me!".

Until now, the Western Rock has been regarded as a sound lending and saving institution. Today things look different. The Rock’s branches in Relubbus and Ludgvan have been besieged by anxious depositors, seeking to remove their savings. The Rock’s staff (Peggy in Relubbus and Linda in Ludgvan) have had to tell disappointed depositors that they can’t access their money until Mr Angwin gets back.

Doughty Roundup reporters followed Mr Angwin to the airport, where, having removed his luggage, he then proceeded to hand over his car to a third party in exchange for money in what seemed to be a pre-arranged deal.

He then disappeared into the gents only to re-emerge wearing a false nose, moustache and glasses ensemble, which did little to mask his true identity. Slapping his tight-filled cases down whilst booking in for a flight to Prague, the catch on one of them gave way in a flutter of banknotes, which he hastily pocketed to remove them from view. Re-securing his case, he made off for the departure lounge.

As we called out to the hastily departing figure, he turned round, his mask slipping, and his rapidly reddening face showed that he knew that he had been rumbled. At this point, a breathless PC Hosking from Relubbus police, alerted by ourselves, cycled into the airport in order to effect an arrest. The Roundup will report further as this sad tale unfolds.
EXCLUSIVE: RELUBBUS TO BE TWINNED WITH RIO
By Foreign Correspondent Janner Carew, in Rio de Janeiro

For the past fortnight, rumours have escalated regarding the whereabouts of Billy Spargo (78), the Leader of the Greater Relubbus Urban Council (GRUC), who seems to have mysteriously disappeared. He has not been seen in his office, nor at council meetings, for over two weeks. Even his Enty May doesn't know where he is. Some have hinted darkly that he may have been assassinated by one of the many extremist Methodist groups he is known to have crossed. One well-placed informant, who refused to be identified, even went so far as to say that he is under the new runway at Relubbus International Airport.

The Roundup can now exclusively reveal that Mr Spargo is, in fact, in Rio de Janeiro, Brazil, where he is leading a delegation of one hundred councillors from his ruling Janner party. The object of the expedition is to explore the possibility of Relubbus being "twinned" with Rio. At a press conference yesterday, Mr Spargo said that Relubbus and Rio had much in common: both had fast-growing economies, a rapidly-expanding, youthful population, and a vibrant social scene.

The Relubbus delegation is staying at the super-luxury Grand Palace hotel, close to Copacabana beach. Their Brazilian hosts, conscious of the international power and prestige of Relubbus, have spared no expense in their efforts to achieve a successful twinning. Yesterday, at Mr Spargo's request, they introduced him to the Girl from Ipanema (left).

(Relubbus is already twinned with Berlin, San Francisco, St Petersburg, Capri, and Monte Carlo. Ed.)






Research Station in Sennen discovers "intelligent fish"
By Science Correspondent Rendell Janner
The Relubbus Oceanographic Research Institute, based in Sennen, has consistently won worldwide acclaim for the robust thoroughness and originality of its research. The Institute employs around 350 people, mostly marine scientists. Despite this fact, even its existence, and certainly its location, are unknown to many locals.

The Roundup can reveal that the Institute, pictured on the left, is situated on the hill overlooking Sennen beach. It is cunningly disguised as simple holiday accommodation.

Our readers will surely agree that, from the outside at least, the structure looks amazingly simple and far too small to accommodate so many people. However, this is to underestimate the genius of the construction specialists commissioned to build this magnificent building. On the inside, it looks quite different.

As can be seen from this picture, taken secretly by one of our indefatigable news hound photographers, the inside is absolutely vast. Since you are probably wondering just how this was done, we can reveal that the builder was Jim Friggens of Sheffield (near Paul) -- "extensions a speciality, no job too small and free quotations given". Apparently, Jim knocked this building up in his spare time one week when his main job was renovating Mrs Pengelly’s outside toilet at No.4 Boswedden Lane, Relubbus.

Whilst it may be secretive about its location, the Institute is not secretive about its ground-breaking scientific discoveries. Speaking at a breakfast-time press conference held at the Swordfish in Newlyn, Professor Archie Treglown (52), after a few stiffeners, announced proudly that his scientists had discovered an "intelligent fish".

Apparently, most fish live fairly undistinguished lives, swimming around the sea and eating one another. However, apart from their admittedly highly developed and most impressive swimming skills, they are not known for any other accomplishments. Professor Treglown, relaxing after a few more stiffeners, told the serried ranks of scientific and academic press (including the Roundup’s Science correspondent) that fish, in comparison with humans, have very poor communication skills. Further, they have next to no education system and few, if any, outlets for artistic expression. Music, for instance, is an avenue completely closed to them and, perhaps for this reason, they display no dancing skills at all. As a build-up to his grand announcement, he listed for 2 hours all the many things that fish cannot do, pausing now and again to refresh himself with a few more stiffeners.

Then, at last, with a voice tremulous with pride, but sustained by further stiffeners, he announced the fact that the Relubbus Oceanographic Research Institute had discovered an astounding, intelligent fish.

The scientists have named the fish "Fido" and an assistant pulled back a curtain to reveal a panting Fido to the assembled journalists.

Apparently wearing headgear of his own design, Fido, unusually for a fish, has four legs and a tail. Treglown explains that this is a mark of his high evolutionary status.

Treglown continued that although Fido cannot speak, he seems to understand human language very well, responding correctly to single word commands such as "sit" or "fetch". He does respond enthusiastically to such human contact with wagging of the tail and emitting of a sound not unlike a dog’s bark.

An irreverent member of the public, Mr Denzil Liddicoat of the esteemed Pendeen Piscatorial Periodical, was then heard to exclaim loudly "Tha’s a damn dog or I’m a bleddy Dutchman!"

This rude and unjustified interjection understandably caused Professor Treglown to falter in his presentation, necessitating an urgent recourse to revivifying stiffeners. A few drinks later and the Professor was right as rain again. He cited Fido’s food preferences as an additional indication of his developed intelligence. Fido does not eat other fish at all, but is perfectly content to eat Pedigree Chum. He has further evolved to such an extent that, while he is happy to frolic about in the sea and even to paddle in it, he is now happier on dry land.

Professor Treglown, his voice now somewhat slurred from the exhaustions of the morning, explained that further tests would be done on Fido and that all results would be published in the usual journals.

The press conference was then concluded. One of Treglown’s scientists called out "Walkies" and Fido trotted off contentedly for a walk along the beach.
ADVERTISEMENT
WOULD YOU LIKE TO JOIN THE RELUBBUS NATIONAL BORDER GUARD?
Calling all fit young men who would like to have the honour of serving their country! The new Relubbus National Border Guard has been formed to protect Relubbus borders from external threats.

Our first two recruits are pictured here -- Bernie Polkinghorne (31) on the left and "Shortie" Trevains (32, the nephew, so he tells us, of the famed Relubbus busker, the late "Banjo" Trevains) on the right.

Recruits are required to be no older than 35, at least 6 foot tall and in the peak of physical fitness. Fluency in at least two foreign languages is necessary.

Mobility is a feature of the job and it would therefore be desirable if applicants possessed their own bicycle or indeed motor vehicle.

Successful applicants will receive a smart uniform, notebook and pencil and vouchers for £5 a week to spend at Oates' Superstore in Relubbus. Competition is likely to be stiff, so an early application is advised!!
Gates Slips To Third In World's Richest Rankings
By Business Correspondent Rendell Janner

It's official -- Bill Gates, the founder of Microsoft, is no longer the world's richest man. Gates, right, has been ousted from the top spot by not one but by two Relubbus entrepreneurs -- the legendary R. C. Oates (54) and the equally-celebrated W.G. Trevaskis (35).

Oates (pictured left) is known to have amassed a vast personal fortune over the past 35 years from his Relubbus grocery business, which now boasts branches in both Ludgvan and Crowlas.

Trevaskis (pictured below outside his flagship store in Relubbus) is the mega-capitalist who recently launched a hostile bid for Tesco.

Oates and Trevaskis are known to be bitter rivals, and it is not clear at present which of them has the right to the coveted title of "World's Richest Man", since both of them are claiming it. Gates, however, is sure that it must be one of them. In an uncharacteristically modest statement yesterday, he said that he had known for a while that "it was only a matter of time before one of them overtook me". Even the mighty Microsoft, he said, could not hope to match the "steamroller dynamism" of the Oates and Trevaskis empires.
ALL THIS WEEK AT THE RELUBBUS MULTIPLEX
THE LATEST BLOCKBUSTER!




JAILHOUSE ROCK

starring ELVIS PRESLEY


1:30 p.m, 4:30 p.m., 7:30 p.m.






RELUBBUS TOP TEN September 2007

1. Jailhouse Rock Elvis Presley
2. Brown-eyed 'Ansom Man Buddy Holly
3. Mama Mia Abba
4. Penny Lane Beatles
5. The Times They Are A-Changing Bob Dylan
6. Hey Baby Bruce Channel
7. She Charles Aznavour
8. You Never Can Tell Chuck Berry
9. Forever And Ever Demis Roussos
10. The Soldiers' Dream Josef Locke

The Roundup visits the French Embassy in Relubbus
Relubbus has a vibrant diplomatic community, with almost more diplomatic representatives than the United Nations, one reason why the UN Secretary General, Ban Ki-moon, is in talks with Billy Spargo to get the UN moved lock, stock, and barrel to Boswedden Lane, home to most of the diplomatic community in Relubbus.

Pictured on the left is the throbbing hub of diplomatic life in Relubbus that is Boswedden Lane. Popular with diplomats because of its closeness to both Trevaskis’ kiosk and the RC Oates Superstore, it is also near Relubbus Wesleyan Primary School and the Windy Chough public house. Strict security means the Lane is patrolled once a fortnight by PC Eddie Jago. This combination of attractive attributes means that it is the obvious choice of residence for the diplomats.

At No.29 Boswedden Lane stands one cottage that is different from all the others -- made so by the fact that the resident, at his own expense, has installed a bidet, a contraption with which most Cornish folk are entirely and happily unfamiliar. This is, of course, the residence of His Excellency, the representative of the French Republic in Relubbus, Monsieur Paol Brelivet (57). Jacques has represented France only in Relubbus and has no intention of leaving.

Paol (43) is pictured on the left hard at work in conference with two of his many charming female assistants, Mimi Leduc (left) and Fifi Lefrouque (right). Although both ladies are only 21, they seem to be an integral part of the French diplomatic team in Relubbus, hardly ever leaving Paol’s side. They are also the only ones trusted to adjust his hearing aid controls, which, for security reasons, he keeps firmly hidden in his trousers.

Paol stated "I am very ‘appy ‘ere in Relubbus. A mon avis, Cornouaille eet ees not like a foreign country, eet ees so familiar to me, not like l’Angleterre, which I ‘ate with a great passion. I come from La Bretagne, which ees very much like Cornouaille. In Bretagne, we ’ate Paris, ‘ere you ‘ate London. Everyone in Bretagne is envious of ze great freedoms, which Cornouaille ‘as won sroo ze strengs of far-seeing politicians like Monsier Spargo. Vive le Relubbus!"


'OOS DEAD?
Our popular Obituaries section

Grief-stricken widow of Madron billionaire breaks down at funeral
The widow of recently deceased Madron-based prosthetics and surgical appliances billionaire, Jethro Peninula, appeared to break down at the funeral of her husband in Madron Methodist Church yesterday.

Attended by the pillars of the West Cornish business world (including Mr R. C. Oates of Relubbus), the funeral proved to be a magnet for the great and powerful, with some representatives coming from east of Truro to attend.

Mr Peninula was a controversial figure in that he was known to be a financial backer of some of the more extreme Methodist groupings in West Penwith. This appeared to be borne out by the attendance of various red-faced youths in the garb of farm hands, wearing badges proclaiming "He is risen" and "Praise the Lord", who occasionally threw threatening looks at anyone who did not look obviously Cornish.

Mr Peninula was also a firm believer in the place of the wife in a frugal family home. A wife was to be neither seen nor heard, but merely quietly efficient in the discharge of her housewifely and matrimonial duties. Yesterday was, in fact, the first time that Mrs Betty Peninula has been seen in public. As she was escourted by loyal attendants from the luxurious family Ford Anglia to the church, she was asked by a Roundup news sleuth how she felt. So overcome was she with grief, that she had no words to utter at all -- she merely turned and, as captured in the picture below, gave expression to her feelings in gestures alone.

Mrs Peninula, now thought to be worth £1.5 billion, is expected to leave the one-up, one-down home she shared for so many years with the husband she loved so much.

Rumours abound that she will be buying Lanhydrock House and turning it back into a family home for herself and the fourteen strapping young lifeguards who also appeared at the church and whose appearance was an obvious and immediate consolation to her in her grief. The Roundup will keep track of this story and update you.


Lonely Hearts of West Cornwall
The Roundup is pleased to act as intermediary between those different souls looking for love in West Cornwall. Five hopefuls advertise us with us this week and we are sure that they will all be soon snapped up.

Linda Penrose (58) lives alone in Heamoor and works at the Penzance Registry Office. She is shy because of her unusual looks and hearing difficulties. However, she has a lot of love to give -- to the right person.

Linda is an avid crossword puzzler and Sudoku queen. She loves cooking and gardening and has a pet goldfish called Alfred, who until now has been the only man in her life. She is very fond of country walks but, because of her unusual looks, is nervous of meeting other people whilst out walking. She would like to meet a man with a big heart, strong arms and smell. Box 7195, if Linda seems to be the lady for you.

Tom Trenwith (23) is a postman, originally from St Austell, but now living and working in Relubbus. Known by his colleagues as the "laughing Buddhist", Tom is easily identifiable by his extra wide parting and flowing beard, which he dyes gray. He is a very keen environmentalist and likes to "live off the land", collecting nature’s bounty "instead of feeding Mr Tesco’s coffers". He is particularly fond of mushrooms.

Tom has a good career ahead of him, since he is already known as the fastest sorter in the West. Tom has been married on three previous occasions but, unfortunately, all three wives have died of food poisoning. Tom is busily converting a 3 bedroom Relubbus house back into the barn it once was. "’S better that way!" he says. But he is now looking for someone with whom to share his rural idyll. Box 4520 if that someone is you.

Jimmy Chirgwin (32) is man of unusual tastes and many parts. Jimmy, a French polisher from Newbridge, is not ashamed to acknowledge his feminine side and is never to be seen without a feather in his hair. In generally good health, he nonetheless has a daily battle with flatulence at both ends, but, despite that physical challenge, remains chipper and cheerful, which should appeal to the right sort of girl. He sings falsetto in the Sancreed Singers and is a keen draughts player, having come sixth in the 1998 Sancreed district finals.

Jimmy is teaching himself Middle High German so that he can better appreciate the works of Walter von der Vogelweide in the original. His ideal girl is someone who shares his growing interest in the medieval German world so that they can explore its ideals together. Box 7239

Evelyn Rosewarne is a 58 years old baker’s assistant. Living alone in a penthouse flat on the luxurious Gwavas Estate, she is looking for a woman to share her life. She is professionally fulfilled, she is sorted domestically, she has hobbies that meet her needs, all she lacks is the love of a good woman. Could that be you?

Evelyn has a particular interest that she would like her lover to share and that is the bondage of dogs. She is pictured here amongst the restraint chains with a soon-to-be-restrained victim (Tolver). In the ensuing hours of discomfort for the dog, there was no one with whom Evelyn could share her feelings of elation and release. If this sport appeals to you and if Evelyn seems to be your kind of girl, then Box 5629 is the one for you.

Tarquin Behenna (35) lives with his mother on the sprawling Trewerne Estate at Relubbus. He has always been very fond of Indian takeaways and, for this reason, has been working -- since he was 16 -- as a waiter at the Relubbus Taj Mahal Restaurant and Takeaway.

Tarquin has worn Indian dress since the age of 21. Being a bit of a loner, he has developed some strange habits and hobbies, though none of these pose a danger to the public. Most unusually, he collects used handkerchiefs (paper or linen). He also (usually secretly) takes a photo of the person from whom the handkerchief has been collected. His collection now fills one complete room of his ever-indulgent mother’s house. He has been learning to play the guitar since he was 12 and still hopes that one day he will be able to play properly. Following intense treatment, he no longer hears voices, but would still prefer any future girlfriend to have some form of medical background --"just in case". If you would like to make Tarquin proud, then Box 5012 is the one for you.

IN THE NEXT BUMPER ISSUE

• PRESS SCANDAL AS LUDGVAN MAN DIES OF SHOCK AFTER LOTTERY WIN
  

• LEN AND LILY AT IT AGAIN!

• INTERNATIONAL BANK HQ RELOCATES TO RELUBBUS

• X FACTOR X A KNOCKOUT SUCCESS!

• Professor D B Penhaligon unveils the "future of humanity" in results of Genetic Project

• THE ROUNDUP VISITS THE GREEK EMBASSY

• YOUR STARS

• Our socially-responsible LONELY HEARTS section

• And much, much more!

Issue 7, 16th July 2007

INTERNATIONAL NEWS
SITUATION "VERY TENSE" ON HAYLE BORDER
by Foreign Correspondent Chester Minute

The long-running border dispute between Greater Relubbus and the People's Republic of Hayle has flared up again, after a bellicose speech by firebrand Relubbus Councillor Billy Spargo. Addressing the Relubbus Foreign Relations Committee, he asserted that the new border established after the 1968 "4-Day War" unfairly penalized Relubbus, by ceding to Hayle vast acres of land traditionally regarded as being part of Greater Relubbus. In particular, he said, Polglaze's dairy farm had been seized by the Haylors and shamefully turned into a "theme park", known as "Merlin's Magical Land".

The disputed area is shown in yellow in the map.

Councillor Spargo went on to claim that several Hayle businesses owned by Relubbusites had been fire-bombed. It was time, he said, to take action to protect Relubbus citizens resident in Hayle.

Last night, an armoured column of Relubbus Waste Disposal Trucks (WDTs) was seen moving towards the border. The WDTs are shown left, at their base at Relubbus's Camp Xray, prior to departure.

On the Hayle side, all army leave has been cancelled and reservists have been called up. It is rumoured that the Republic's crack troops, the 1st Hayle Alpine Brigade (shown below), are dug in close to the border.


Meanwhile, frantic diplomatic efforts are being made to avoid catastrophe. It is understood that Lower Gwavas, the current chair of the Union of Kernow States, is desperately trying to broker a last-minute deal between the opposing sides.

The next few days will tell whether it's to be peace or war. The Roundup will bring you all the news as it happens!





SCOOP OF THE DAY: GEORGE AND SPARGO IN SLANGING MATCH!
By Political Editor Loveday Olds

Shoppers in Simpsons of Penzance were treated to some unexpected entertainment when Greater Relubbus Urban Council (GRUC) Leader, Billy Spargo (shown on the left, below), happened upon the Westminster MP for the St Ives Division, Andrew George (shown right, below), in the shop. Naturally, the Roundup was there and is able to report the spat verbatim.

Billy was in quest of a new headscarf for his Enty May’s birthday. "Nothun too speshul, something fer everyday, you duh knaw!"

Out of the corner of his eye, he noticed George skulking in the shadows in a desperate attempt to escape his gaze. The two men have long been known to be bitter enemies and George has often had to suffer the venom of Spargo’s acid tongue.

Mr Spargo regards the Westminster Parliament, in which Mr George seeks to represent the interests of the West Penwith community, as a useless relic from the recent past. According to Spargo, his Relubbus supporters, and growing numbers around Cornwall, the true interests of Kernow go unaddressed by most of the political institutions of today, with the notable exception of the GRUC.

Regarded by many outsiders as just another part of England, Cornwall - or Kernow -- was once a country with its own unique and proud traditions, culture, customs, practice, and language, having more in common with Brittany than Devon. These unique badges of nationality have not entirely disappeared, but have merely dimmed, and in the hearts of many a Spargo, Clemo, or Jago the embers of nationhood await no more than the soft hush of the breath of recognition to be fanned into flames. In a man like Spargo, the flames are already burning bright and his passion is palpable to all. To his followers, the legitimacy of his position on the "Cornish question" is unquestionable and much more securely founded than that of George, a mere footsoldier in Westminster.

The following exchange took place:

Spargo: "'Ere, George, ‘sthat you over there lurkin’?"

George: "Oh hello, Mr Spargo, what a pleasant surprise -- I didn’t see you there!"

Spargo: "Call yerself Cornish? Whaddyou doin fer we up London? We wanna shut down the border and pack in all this London politickin' mullarkey. ‘Ome rule fer the whole of Cornwall, jes like we got now fer Relubbus -- th’s what we duh want."

George: "Mr Spargo, if you would just give me the chance to explain my position... I really am trying to do my best for the people of this region. I would be most grateful to have the chance of coming to Relubbus to address the council... "

Spargo: "I aren’t listening to any o’ this rubbish and I can tell ee something else too. Relubbus idden gonna pay any more subsidies to either London or Brussels. We are withdrawin’ all fundin' as of now."

George: "But Mr Spargo, the European Union will collapse and the London government cannot function without the generous subsidies Relubbus has been paying."

Spargo: "Old yer tongue, boy -- I ebben finished yet. Relubbus is removin' all its forces from NATO too!"

George: (After stoney silence) "Splutter... Cough... Cough! Please, Mr Spargo... are you joking?"

Spargo: "NO, I AREN’T!"

Whereupon, Mr Spargo turned on his heel and left without a further word -- leaving Mr George dazed and speechless.
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ROY ORBISON SPOTTED IN KWIKSAVE
As reported in the last edition of the Roundup, Roy Orbison, the famed American singer/songwriter who is seldom out of the Relubbus Top Ten, is planning a "comeback" world tour -- and he has chosen Relubbus as the venue for the UK leg of the tour. Indeed, Roy has been so impressed by the passion and loyalty of his Relubbus fans that he will play not one but two gigs in the city; and Relubbus will have the distinction of hosting the first and the last of the tour concerts.

Roy (shown above posing for surprised fans in Hayle Kwiksave last week), is currently paying his second visit to Relubbus in as many months, as he finalizes details of the tour.

Councillor Billy Spargo confirmed last night that, in a special deal arranged by himself, the Relubbus Methodist Hall had been booked for both gigs. To cater for the expected huge demand for tickets it was planned to bring in extra folding chairs from the WI, he said. Quizzed about ticket prices, Councillor Spargo said that they would "reflect the stellar nature of the talent on show and the huge logistical difficulties in bringing the "Big O" to Relubbus". "If people want tuh see 'un they'll 'ave tuh cough up!" he said.
Mozart -- alive and well and living in Marazion!
The international music world was set ablaze with wild excitement -- and near disbelief -- at the shock news that Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart -- formerly, but erroneously, believed to have died in 1791 -- is in fact alive and well and still at work in Marazion. Mr Mozart claims to have retired from the scorching glare of international superstar publicity and to have retired long ago for the peace, quiet and obscurity of rural life in 18th century Cornwall, since when he has continued to thrive in good health, living under the assumed name of Dickie Trembath.

The picture on the left shows Mr Mozart at the tender age of 21 and was, as Mr Trembath says, "taken" in 1777. "Photeegraphs wadden too good back in them days ", he maintains.

Mr Mozart was known as a musical child prodigy and is considered by many to have been one of the greatest ever composers of classical music -- and he displayed equal talents in performance. Mr Trembath, as he now likes to be called, comments "Es, I could knock up a good tune in them days!" Today he plays no other instrument than the spoons, but does so with astounding dexterity and with considerable accomplishment, a regular favourite being the Cornish song "Goin up Camborne ‘ill".

Mr Trembath has disappointed many of his German acolytes by his refusal to converse with them in German, leading some critics to conclude that his claim to be the musical maestro is false. Mr Trembath is quite affronted at such suggestions, maintaining with vigour that "anyone what do say that I aren’t Mozart is a bleddy liar and is goin to get ‘is face smashed in!"

Mr Trembath is pictured on the left playing a shortened version of his Symphony Number 40, which sounds curiously like "Trelawny".

Despite vicious claims that Mr Trembath is making this story up in order to improve his currently parlous financial circumstances, he maintains that all is true. The experts continue to investigate and the Roundup will continue to report!



Ponce escapes from Barncoose
It is reported that Relubbus ex-actress and male impersonator Diadora Ponce has absconded from the Barncoose Secure Home for Terminally Confused Ex-Actresses and Male Impersonators. Last month, Ponce convinced shoppers in Relubbus TESCO's that she was none other than Roy Orbison, the legendary American singer who died in 1988. (Reuters).
RELUBBUS TOP TEN July 2007

1. The Great Pretender The Platters
2. My Way Frank Sinatra
3. San Francisco (Be Sure To Wear Some Flowers In Your Hair) Scott MCKenzie
4. A Hard Day's Night Beatles
5. Brown-eyed 'Ansom Man Buddy Holly
6. Blue Bayou Roy Orbison
7. A Whiter Shade of Pale Procul Harum
8. Brand New Key Melanie
9. Dancing Queen Abba
10. In The Mood Glen Miller

HUSTLE'S REVENGE: defrocked Parish Council Chairman Returns To Terrorise Relubbus
By Court Correspondent John Willie Polkinghorne, at Relubbus Crown Court
As reported in an earlier edition of the Roundup, boy-racer Derek Hustle (63) was sacked as Chairman of Wellwhit Parish Council on the Isle of Wight, after being convicted of speeding at Relubbus Magistrates' Court.

In Relubbus Crown Court yesterday, the jury was told that Hustle was so incensed by this turn of events that he returned to Relubbus, intent on revenge. The prosecution alleged that his intention was to "spread fear and confusion among the population, by driving down the High Street at speeds in excess of 30 mph."

In evidence, P.C. Obed Carne said:

"'Ee wuz goin' down the 'igh Street even faster than las' time. I clocked 'un at 33 mph. 'Ee was wearin' one o' they 'ats with the peak at the back, drivin' one-'anded, an' makin' gestures an' shouting abuse out o' the window."

Hustle's solicitor said that this time he could offer little in the way of mitigation, adding that, in his opinion, Hustle was a "depraved character" and "a thoroughly bad man" who deserved to go down for a considerable period.

Mr Justice Bolitho-Baraganaweth evidently agreed, as he sentenced Hustle to serve a minimum of 15 years in Bodmin gaol. "The public must be protected", he said, "from renegade Parish Council Chairmen!"

Hustle was unrepentant as he was led away (disguised as a woman) to begin his sentence.

After the hearing, Hustle's wife, Lynne (28), said: "Derek has really done it this time. I stood by him last time, but I just can't bear the shame any more."

Mrs Hustle was led away in tears by Relubbus Council Chairman Billy Spargo, who had attended court to see justice done. As they left, he placed a comforting arm around her shoulder. It is understood that he is acting as Mrs Hustle's agent in negotiations with the Roundup for the rights to serialize the story of her tempestuous life with Hustle. Order the next Roundup now!

JOURNEY DOWN EMBASSY ROW
This week, the Roundup takes a peek at what is going on inside the Japanese Embassy in Relubbus.

At No.4 Pridden lane in Relubbus is the luxurious, rambling edifice that is the Japanese Embassy. Here, as the personal representative of the Emperor in Relubbus, is the Ambassador, His Excellency Xaibatsu Kotsuhiro, his charming wife, Michiko, and their little boy, Nagasaki.

Mr Kotsuhiro believes it is essential that the "Japanese" quality of the embassy and its inhabitants should be preserved, and consequently everyone must wear Japanese national dress at all times. Fish ‘n’ chips are not allowed more than once a week. However, the family does try to play a full part in local Cornish life.

Mrs Kotsuhiro has joined the Relubbus Young Farmers’ Women’s Club, in which she is known as ‘Kyoto Kate’, in order to protect Cornish palates from having to negotiate complex Japanese vowels. Little Nagasaki attends the local Cornish Nationalist Primary School, in which he is a regular playtime favourite as the Japanese soldier, and then prisoner, in the ever-popular war game "Get the Nip".

When he gets a spare moment from the permanently-taxing negotiations with the Greater Relubbus Urban Council’s Foreign Relations Committee (GRUCFRC), the Ambassador takes part in car maintenance evening classes in nearby Goldsithney. Mr Kotsuhiro, who does not speak English, comments "Gou ni itte wa, gou ni shitagae" . Zakky Rosewarne, Translator-in-Chief for the GRUCFRC, stated "it is s'posed to be something about ‘When in Rome, do as the Romans’, but I’m a bit worried by that last word, which has definitely got 'shit' in it".

Regardless of the formulation of words, it is clear from the nods of the head and the frequent smiles that the whole Kotsuhiro family, despite having no English, is making every effort to fit in. The only two words in English that the Kotsuhiros possess are "Proper Job", which goes down very well in Cornwall. However, alone amongst the Relubbus diplomatic community, the Kotsuhiros have made good attempts to master Cornish and can be heard chattering away in simple Cornish amongst themselves, politely enquiring after each other's health ("Fatla genes?"), and eagerly responding "Yn poynt da, meur rasta", and so on.

Loveday Jacka, of the Cornish for World Language Society (COWLS), believes that the support of the Japanese could be vital in securing the position of Cornish as the new UN-preferred global language. We shall see, but, for now, say "Sayonara" to the Kosuhiros.
LONELY HEARTS THAT YEARN FOR YOU!
Bamshad al akbar al St Erth (31) is a shy retiring man, now on the lookout for a wife. Bamshad is a member of an extreme Methodist community that has its headquarters in Tregeseal. He has a steady job at the Warrens Pasty factory in St Just, where he deploys his skills in crimping and egg-washing at the end of the production conveyor belt.

Bamshad is very fond of making souffles, at which he assures us he is a dab hand. He is a member of the Pendeen triangle quintet and is also the reigning conkers champion of West Penwith. A committed environmentalist, he has spent the last 10 years building his own house, which has been assembled entirely from beach pebbles and sheep dung.

Bamshad is looking for a woman who will appreciate his quiet, but manly, approach to life. He would especially like to meet someone who is seriously into home baking. If you think that you are Bamshad’s ideal girl, then Box 3047 is the one for you.

"Terry", as he likes to be called is not really from St Ives at all. In fact, he is from another dimension. He zapped into our world by mistake and has been trapped here ever since.

Since he arrived (in 1503) Terry has tried to fit into the local community as best he can. He claims to be 46,587 years old in Earth terms, but sadly in all that time (including 504 years on our planet) he has never had a relationship with a female (of any species).

Terry completely supports the Gordon Brown idea of an integrated Britain celebratory and inclusive of all its inhabitants (particularly him!). He has a good, regular job as a scarecrow on a farm near Nancledra and has built a hut on the top field there. To make his idyll complete, he needs -- at long last -- the love of a good Cornishwoman.

Terry plays the bazurmekkekek (an instrument from his home planet, which he was playing at the time he zapped in here). He assures us that the music is beautiful, but it is sadly inaudible to human ears.

Not able to speak, Terry is a fantastic telepath -- yes, it really works! Unfortunately, he possesses no genitalia, but hopes that this will prove no problem to a woman with a loving heart. If that is you, then Box 5629 is the one for you.

The Roundup does not discriminate against anyone on the grounds of race, religion, sexual orientation, or indeed on any basis. For this reason, we have not shrunk from accepting the following advert.

Madeleine and Tommy Roskilly of Treverven are in their late nineties and have been married since they were 18, never once straying from one another. Now growing conscious that the day when the Grim Reaper will call is stealing up on them, they have decided that they would like to "experiment".

They would like to meet a young Cornish couple who are both 18 -- like they once were- so that they can, in "swopsies", experience the physical passion and youthful vigour that was once theirs.

It would be helpful if one, or both, of the young couple were to have some medical experience.

As they have no bath or shower, Madeleine and Tommy would prefer to meet for their trysts at the other couple’s home, so that they could experience a bath or shower afterwards. Write to Box 3498 if you think that you meet the bill.

Parrasmus Pascoe (age unknown) is on the lookout for love. A night worker, he finds it difficult to meet and get to know young ladies.

Although he has taken a Cornish name, Parrasmus is not from these parts and speaks slowly and deliberately in an accent that would seem to hint at an East European origin. He enjoys the cold and abhors light. He does not talk much and seems to have no family. He does display some fondness towards the pet bats and rats that share his home.

Parrasmus is honest about his foul breath problem, but very cagey about just what it is that he does at night. He knows that he is something of a challenge, but believes that there must be many young women out there who would like a man that is different. Box 4561 is the one to go for.
ALL THIS WEEK AT THE RELUBBUS MULTIPLEX
THE LATEST BLOCKBUSTER!

THE SOUND OF MUSIC

starring JULIE ANDREWS, CHRISTOPHER PLUMMER, and RICHARD HAYDN


1:30 p.m, 4:30 p.m., 7:30 p.m.








YOUR STARS, with Japanese mystic Yamada Taro
We regret to have to report that, owing to unforeseen circumstances, the Swami Bhindra Conumdrum is unable to provide a horoscope this week -- or indeed ever again. In a curious and unfortunate co-incidence, while he was providing cover last week for Maurice Labalge, who had had a serious and completely unforeseen accident, he himself was accidentally injured -- fatally. Our thoughts are with the Swami’s family and friends.

However, we are pleased to announce that Mr Yamada Taro, a bric-a-brac salesman and fortune-teller from Tokyo, currently on holiday here in Newlyn and resident at the Tolcarne Inn, has very kindly stepped into the breach to provide us with forecasts, which he has produced with the aid of his Japanese/Engrish phrasebook!

Aries Banzai! How much dat cost, prease? I would rike to buy a pair of shoes. Dat bird have got no feathers. So sorry! Thank you!

Taurus Prease may I have one ice rorry? Toiret in my room do not frush properry. Also paper getting very row. I rike Cornish pasties very much -- they are dericious. Cor, take a rook at dat dorry bird!

Gemini Prease may I have new right burb. One in toiret not work proper. Banzai and so sorry!

Cancer Rittle seagurr just dropped pire of shit on shoulder -- dat mean very good ruck! You very rucky person.

Reo I know dat smoking not now good, but prease may I have one right for cigarette? Banzai! Your rady friend have nice knockers! You rucky man! Terevision not work in TV rounge -- dat not good.

Virgo Prease may I have one pint of rager? Orso rarge packet of peanuts. Thank you oh so much! Banzai! Ornamentar garden is beautiful and rook rovery with rirries! Remind me of gardens back hone in Nippon. Prease terr me where I can buy new pair of crean underpants? Banzai!

Ribra The rising sun bathe da whole worrd in rovery right! Dat wonderful! Banzai! Down at harbour, the ruggers set off for open sea to catch da fresh fish we rove so much arso in Nippon. As you might guess, I particurrary fond of nice piece of ring. Dat crock wrong! It not ereven o’ crock yet!

Scorpio Rittre ries can catch us out! Banzai! Prease may I have another srice of hogs pudding? It taste especiarry rovery! Where is pubric toiret, prease? I need to take a srash! Thank you for being so kind -- prease come see me in Nippon!
Sagittarius Prease, the erevator is broken and I get very right-headed on the stairs. May I say dat your wife got rearry nice regs! Wow! She what we call in Nippon a right rooker! Do you serve rice wine with the fish and chips?

Capricorn I would rike to go to the zoo to see the rions and erephants. Anteropes arso great favourite -- to eat as werr in Nippon! On Karaoke, may I sing "Ive got a rovery bunch of coconuts?" Banzai!

Aquarius Dey say dat it is better to have roved and rost dan never to have roved at all! Banzai! True dat! I rive arone in my shop. I hoping to meet rovery woman stir, who wirr rive wiv me and we rive rong rife togevver. Prease, may I have another rager with rice wine chaser prease? Dis rager broody good!

Pisces The rast is the best! Banzai! Make dat another rager with rice wine prease! It just srips down the throat. I am getting werr oired, as you say in Engrish! I fink dat Cornwarr is rovery prace. I want marry rovery Cornish girr and she come back in Tokyo wive me -- rive in shop! Banzai ! Sor sorry One more rager prease!

IN THE NEXT BUMPER ISSUE

• SPARGO SAYS PAKISTAN EMBASSY "TOO BIG": Diplomatic Correspondent Rendell Janner reports.

• EXCLUSIVE: identity of royal con-man revealed! Society Correspondent Rendell Janner reports.

• Mousehole Girls Do Us Proud: Arts Correspondent Rendell Janner reviews the controversial new nude production of South Pacific.

• PC Trembath in trouble again! Crime Correspondent Rendell Janner takes a look at the unorthodox methods of Relubbus's maverick crime-buster!

• Up Chapel: our Religious Affairs Correspondent, Ayatollah Osama Bin Trezidder, reports on the latest Methodist jihad.

• Down Pendrawartha's: Senior Citizen Correspondent Rendall Janner visits Pendrawartha's Home for the Elderly.

• Over 'Arry's: Crime Correspondent Rendell Janner reports on the chipshop war!
  

• In School: Education Correspondent Rendell Janner investigates the unusual methods of controversial headmaster James Bovenna.

• Inside the Indian Embassy: Diplomatic Correspondent Rendell Janner continues his series on the Relubbus diplomatic community.

• Poetry Corner: Literary Editor Emily Bindweed discovers the source of boy-phenomenon Philip Trudgeon's talent.
  

• 'Oos dead? Our ever-popular Obituaries section.
  

• And much, much more!