EXTREMIST MINISTER CALLS FOR METHODIST JIHAD
By Political Correspondent Loveday Olds
His Holiness, the Very Reverend Ezekiel Polkinghorne, the spiritual leader of the extreme Relubbus Methodist sect the Bible Bashers (also known as the Puritans), has called for a jihad against "all unbelievers, non-believers, false believers, and infidels". The groups prescribed by His Holiness are thought to include atheists, agnostics, all followers of non-Christian religions, all followers of non-Methodist Christian sects, and all followers of Methodist sects other than the Bible Bashers -- in fact, everyone who is not a Bible Basher.
The Reverend Polkinghorne is an impassioned and charismatic speaker, who frequently brings tears to the eyes of his audience. The following is an extract from a moving speech to the Bible Bashers' military wing, the Bibel Fascisti Kernewek, that I, as a mere woman, was privileged to hear:
"Females must be meek and submissive. In public, they must cover their hair and wear modest garments of rough grey cloth that cover them from neck to ankle. Jewellery and adornment of any kind are prohibited. Face painting is the mark of Satan: if any are found with it upon them, it must be scoured off, using a wire brush!
"A female must not speak in the presence of men, unless specifically given permission by her father or husband. If she is permitted, on rare occasions, to speak, she must speak softly and briefly, keeping her eyes downcast.
"Theatres, cinemas, newspapers, television, all are the works of Satan! They shall go to the fire! Chairs are a luxury: the devout must sit upon a spike!
"The day is coming when the whole country will think as we do! All shall be Bible Bashers! Those that perversely resist the Word of God must be rooted out and burnt, like rotten trees.
"All shall attend chapel four times a day. If any fail, they must be reported by their neighbours, so that they may be whipped.
"To you young men falls the glorious task of converting the non-believers and rooting out the infidels. We shall use all the means at our disposal and some of you will fall in the struggle. Be assured that, if you fall while fighting in God's cause, you will go straight to Paradise!"
SPARGO STATUE "TOO YOUTHFUL"
By Political Correspondent Loveday Olds
A political row has broken out about the proposed statue of Billy Spargo (78), the Leader of the Greater Relubbus Urban Council (GRUC), that is to be erected at the summit of Trencrom hill. At Friday's Full Council Meeting, Stanislav Friggens, the dairy magnate and leader of the opposition Wesleyan Independent Methodist Party (the WIMPs), accused Councillor Spargo of "self-aggrandisement" and of "wasting public funds on personal gratification". He also said that the statue was "ridiculously youthful" in appearance, and bore very little resemblance to the 83-year-old Mr Spargo.
The statue, by the renowned Australian sculptor Ralph Harris, is shown on the left.
In a furious response, Councillor Spargo accused Councillor Friggens of being a "pinko lefty" and "a closet agent of the People's Republic of Hayle, with whom we are currently at war!"
At this, pandemonium broke out in the council chamber, and this correspondent witnessed scenes that she never had before and devoutly wishes that she may never see again! Councillor grappled with councillor, and soon the floor was covered with pairs of men trying ineffectually to throttle each other.
Eventually the police were called, and Sergeant Chappell arrived by bicycle from Crowlas. By this time, most of the councillors were too exhausted for further fighting, and the meeting ended by general agreement.
It's rumoured that the statue of Councillor Spargo cost in excess of £250,000, so we've probably not heard the last of this one.
ADVERTISEMENT
Penhaligon’s Bogapede comes to town!
Renowned Long Rock inventor, Perseus Penhaligon, has done it again, bringing to the market something others just wouldn’t think of -- the Bogapede.
It is a cross between a bicycle and a toilet. The picture features the deluxe model, which also has a bidet for those with French ways.
The Bogapede is set to revolutionise cycle transport in coming years. Says Penhaligon "People with incontinence problems couldn’t go cycling before. But now they never need be caught short again. They can just saddle up and set off and, if they feel the need, they can just do it -- wherever they like and even clean up French-wise afterwards, if they are that way inclined."
The doubtful reader might be wondering what you would do if the need suddenly took you halfway up Market Jew Street in Penzance. The artful Penhaligon has an answer for everything -- in this case a plastic sheeting secured to the cycle helmet, which hides the straining cyclist from prying eyes. Additional privacy is afforded by the deluxe model, which will play -- loudly -- the music of your choice so that your noisesome endeavours will remain unheard by passing members of the public. A can of "Spring Meadow" airspray can also be purchased to remove any olfactory clues as to the goings-on under the sheeting.
The potential market of cycling incontinents is estimated by Penhaligon to be huge "There are at least three people in Long Rock alone who could use one!" he says.
He now offers the Bogapede to the general public at a mere £1,765.99 (£200 extra for the deluxe model) and can be contacted at the Shed, Trevaskis Lane, Long Rock.
GET YOUR ORDER IN QUICKLY!
WESTERN ROCK GOES BUST!
By Financial Correspondent Duane Polkinghorne
Financial markets have been deeply unsettled by the collapse in the US sub-prime lending market. Put simply, banks lent money to people who couldn’t really afford it. They did so by lending without applying the usual credit appraisal techniques. They then packaged up the loans and parcelled them out to lenders all over the world, selling them for good money, thus spreading the risk. As the inevitable bad debts rolled in, the "value" of these parcels came into question, banks came to mistrust one another and only lent to the very best names.
Now the sorry saga has even come to infect the otherwise impeccable good name of Relubbus financial institutions. The well-known Western Rock has apparently been buying up a lot of these cheap, and now suspect, loan parcels and it now finds that it cannot raise funds in the market against them to fund its mortgages.
The Chief Executive of the Western Rock, Jasper Angwin (45) is remarkably calm given the furore that now besets his business. Interviewed in his car whilst stopping at a red light on his way to an urgent meeting at Newquay airport, he said "I aren’t too worried. None o’ they people should worry neither. Their money is safe with me!".
Until now, the Western Rock has been regarded as a sound lending and saving institution. Today things look different. The Rock’s branches in Relubbus and Ludgvan have been besieged by anxious depositors, seeking to remove their savings. The Rock’s staff (Peggy in Relubbus and Linda in Ludgvan) have had to tell disappointed depositors that they can’t access their money until Mr Angwin gets back.
Doughty Roundup reporters followed Mr Angwin to the airport, where, having removed his luggage, he then proceeded to hand over his car to a third party in exchange for money in what seemed to be a pre-arranged deal.
He then disappeared into the gents only to re-emerge wearing a false nose, moustache and glasses ensemble, which did little to mask his true identity. Slapping his tight-filled cases down whilst booking in for a flight to Prague, the catch on one of them gave way in a flutter of banknotes, which he hastily pocketed to remove them from view. Re-securing his case, he made off for the departure lounge.
As we called out to the hastily departing figure, he turned round, his mask slipping, and his rapidly reddening face showed that he knew that he had been rumbled. At this point, a breathless PC Hosking from Relubbus police, alerted by ourselves, cycled into the airport in order to effect an arrest. The Roundup will report further as this sad tale unfolds.
EXCLUSIVE: RELUBBUS TO BE TWINNED WITH RIO
By Foreign Correspondent Janner Carew, in Rio de Janeiro
For the past fortnight, rumours have escalated regarding the whereabouts of Billy Spargo (78), the Leader of the Greater Relubbus Urban Council (GRUC), who seems to have mysteriously disappeared. He has not been seen in his office, nor at council meetings, for over two weeks. Even his Enty May doesn't know where he is. Some have hinted darkly that he may have been assassinated by one of the many extremist Methodist groups he is known to have crossed. One well-placed informant, who refused to be identified, even went so far as to say that he is under the new runway at Relubbus International Airport.
The Roundup can now exclusively reveal that Mr Spargo is, in fact, in Rio de Janeiro, Brazil, where he is leading a delegation of one hundred councillors from his ruling Janner party. The object of the expedition is to explore the possibility of Relubbus being "twinned" with Rio. At a press conference yesterday, Mr Spargo said that Relubbus and Rio had much in common: both had fast-growing economies, a rapidly-expanding, youthful population, and a vibrant social scene.
The Relubbus delegation is staying at the super-luxury Grand Palace hotel, close to 
Copacabana beach. Their Brazilian hosts, conscious of the international power and prestige of Relubbus, have spared no expense in their efforts to achieve a successful twinning. Yesterday, at Mr Spargo's request, they introduced him to the Girl from Ipanema (left).
(Relubbus is already twinned with Berlin, San Francisco, St Petersburg, Capri, and Monte Carlo. Ed.)
Research Station in Sennen discovers "intelligent fish"
By Science Correspondent Rendell Janner
The Relubbus Oceanographic Research Institute, based in Sennen, has consistently won worldwide acclaim for the robust thoroughness and originality of its research. The Institute employs around 350 people, mostly marine scientists. Despite this fact, even its existence, and certainly its location, are unknown to many locals.
The Roundup can reveal that the Institute, pictured on the left, is situated on the hill overlooking Sennen beach. It is cunningly disguised as simple holiday accommodation.
Our readers will surely agree that, from the outside at least, the structure looks amazingly simple and far too small to accommodate so many people. However, this is to underestimate the genius of the construction specialists commissioned to build this magnificent building. On the inside, it looks quite different.
As can be seen from this picture, taken secretly by one of our indefatigable news hound photographers, the inside is absolutely vast. Since you are probably wondering just how this was done, we can reveal that the builder was Jim Friggens of Sheffield (near Paul) -- "extensions a speciality, no job too small and free quotations given". Apparently, Jim knocked this building up in his spare time one week when his main job was renovating Mrs Pengelly’s outside toilet at No.4 Boswedden Lane, Relubbus.
Whilst it may be secretive about its location, the Institute is not secretive about its ground-breaking scientific discoveries. Speaking at a breakfast-time press conference held at the Swordfish in Newlyn, Professor Archie Treglown (52), after a few stiffeners, announced proudly that his scientists had discovered an "intelligent fish".
Apparently, most fish live fairly undistinguished lives, swimming around the sea and eating one another. However, apart from their admittedly highly developed and most impressive swimming skills, they are not known for any other accomplishments. Professor Treglown, relaxing after a few more stiffeners, told the serried ranks of scientific and academic press (including the Roundup’s Science correspondent) that fish, in comparison with humans, have very poor communication skills. Further, they have next to no education system and few, if any, outlets for artistic expression. Music, for instance, is an avenue completely closed to them and, perhaps for this reason, they display no dancing skills at all. As a build-up to his grand announcement, he listed for 2 hours all the many things that fish cannot do, pausing now and again to refresh himself with a few more stiffeners.
Then, at last, with a voice tremulous with pride, but sustained by further stiffeners, he announced the fact that the Relubbus Oceanographic Research Institute had discovered an astounding, intelligent fish.
The scientists have named the fish "Fido" and an assistant pulled back a curtain to reveal a panting Fido to the assembled journalists.
Apparently wearing headgear of his own design, Fido, unusually for a fish, has four legs and a tail. Treglown explains that this is a mark of his high evolutionary status.
Treglown continued that although Fido cannot speak, he seems to understand human language very well, responding correctly to single word commands such as "sit" or "fetch". He does respond enthusiastically to such human contact with wagging of the tail and emitting of a sound not unlike a dog’s bark.
An irreverent member of the public, Mr Denzil Liddicoat of the esteemed Pendeen Piscatorial Periodical, was then heard to exclaim loudly "Tha’s a damn dog or I’m a bleddy Dutchman!"
This rude and unjustified interjection understandably caused Professor Treglown to falter in his presentation, necessitating an urgent recourse to revivifying stiffeners. A few drinks later and the Professor was right as rain again. He cited Fido’s food preferences as an additional indication of his developed intelligence. Fido does not eat other fish at all, but is perfectly content to eat Pedigree Chum. He has further evolved to such an extent that, while he is happy to frolic about in the sea and even to paddle in it, he is now happier on dry land.
Professor Treglown, his voice now somewhat slurred from the exhaustions of the morning, explained that further tests would be done on Fido and that all results would be published in the usual journals.
The press conference was then concluded. One of Treglown’s scientists called out "Walkies" and Fido trotted off contentedly for a walk along the beach.
ADVERTISEMENT
WOULD YOU LIKE TO JOIN THE RELUBBUS NATIONAL BORDER GUARD?
Calling all fit young men who would like to have the honour of serving their country! The new Relubbus National Border Guard has been formed to protect Relubbus borders from external threats.
Our first two recruits are pictured here -- Bernie Polkinghorne (31) on the left and "Shortie" Trevains (32, the nephew, so he tells us, of the famed Relubbus busker, the late "Banjo" Trevains) on the right.
Recruits are required to be no older than 35, at least 6 foot tall and in the peak of physical fitness. Fluency in at least two foreign languages is necessary.
Mobility is a feature of the job and it would therefore be desirable if applicants possessed their own bicycle or indeed motor vehicle.
Successful applicants will receive a smart uniform, notebook and pencil and vouchers for £5 a week to spend at Oates' Superstore in Relubbus. Competition is likely to be stiff, so an early application is advised!!
Gates Slips To Third In World's Richest Rankings
By Business Correspondent Rendell Janner
It's official -- Bill Gates, the founder of Microsoft, is no longer the world's richest man. Gates,
right, has been ousted from the top spot by not one but by two Relubbus entrepreneurs -- the legendary R. C. Oates (54) and the equally-celebrated W.G. Trevaskis (35).
Oates (pictured left) is known to have amassed a vast personal fortune over the past 35 years from his Relubbus grocery business, which now boasts branches in both Ludgvan and Crowlas.
Trevaskis (pictured below outside his flagship store in Relubbus) is
the mega-capitalist who recently
launched a hostile bid for Tesco.
Oates and Trevaskis are known to be bitter rivals, and it is not clear at present which of them has the right to the coveted title of "World's Richest Man", since both of them are claiming it. Gates, however, is sure that it must be one of them. In an uncharacteristically modest statement yesterday, he said that he had known for a while that "it was only a matter of time before one of them overtook me". Even the mighty Microsoft, he said, could not hope to match the "steamroller dynamism" of the Oates and Trevaskis empires.
ALL THIS WEEK AT THE RELUBBUS MULTIPLEX
THE LATEST BLOCKBUSTER!
JAILHOUSE ROCK
starring ELVIS PRESLEY
1:30 p.m, 4:30 p.m., 7:30 p.m.
RELUBBUS TOP TEN September 2007
- Jailhouse Rock Elvis Presley
- Brown-eyed 'Ansom Man Buddy Holly
- Mama Mia Abba
- Penny Lane Beatles
- The Times They Are A-Changing Bob Dylan
- Hey Baby Bruce Channel
- She Charles Aznavour
- You Never Can Tell Chuck Berry
- Forever And Ever Demis Roussos
- The Soldiers' Dream Josef Locke
Relubbus has a vibrant diplomatic community, with almost more diplomatic representatives than the United Nations, one reason why the UN Secretary General, Ban Ki-moon, is in talks with Billy Spargo to get the UN moved lock, stock, and barrel to Boswedden Lane, home to most of the diplomatic community in Relubbus.
Pictured on the left is the throbbing hub of diplomatic life in Relubbus that is Boswedden Lane. Popular with diplomats because of its closeness to both Trevaskis’ kiosk and the RC Oates Superstore, it is also near Relubbus Wesleyan Primary School and the Windy Chough public house. Strict security means the Lane is patrolled once a fortnight by PC Eddie Jago. This combination of attractive attributes means that it is the obvious choice of residence for the diplomats.At No.29 Boswedden Lane stands one cottage that is different from all the others -- made so by the fact that the resident, at his own expense, has installed a bidet, a contraption with which most Cornish folk are entirely and happily unfamiliar. This is, of course, the residence of His Excellency, the representative of the French Republic in Relubbus, Monsieur Paol Brelivet (57). Jacques has represented France only in Relubbus and has no intention of leaving.
Paol (43) is pictured on the left hard at work in conference with two of his many charming female assistants, Mimi Leduc (left) and Fifi Lefrouque (right). Although both ladies are only 21, they seem to be an integral part of the French diplomatic team in Relubbus, hardly ever leaving Paol’s side. They are also the only ones trusted to adjust his hearing aid controls, which, for security reasons, he keeps firmly hidden in his trousers.Paol stated "I am very ‘appy ‘ere in Relubbus. A mon avis, Cornouaille eet ees not like a foreign country, eet ees so familiar to me, not like l’Angleterre, which I ‘ate with a great passion. I come from La Bretagne, which ees very much like Cornouaille. In Bretagne, we ’ate Paris, ‘ere you ‘ate London. Everyone in Bretagne is envious of ze great freedoms, which Cornouaille ‘as won sroo ze strengs of far-seeing politicians like Monsier Spargo. Vive le Relubbus!"
'OOS DEAD?
Our popular Obituaries section
Grief-stricken widow of Madron billionaire breaks down at funeral
The widow of recently deceased Madron-based prosthetics and surgical appliances billionaire, Jethro Peninula, appeared to break down at the funeral of her husband in Madron Methodist Church yesterday.
Attended by the pillars of the West Cornish business world (including Mr R. C. Oates of Relubbus), the funeral proved to be a magnet for the great and powerful, with some representatives coming from east of Truro to attend.
Mr Peninula was a controversial figure in that he was known to be a financial backer of some of the more extreme Methodist groupings in West Penwith. This appeared to be borne out by the attendance of various red-faced youths in the garb of farm hands, wearing badges proclaiming "He is risen" and "Praise the Lord", who occasionally threw threatening looks at anyone who did not look obviously Cornish.
Mr Peninula was also a firm believer in the place of the wife in a frugal family home. A wife was to be neither seen nor heard, but merely quietly efficient in the discharge of her housewifely and matrimonial duties. Yesterday was, in fact, the first time that Mrs Betty Peninula has been seen in public. As she was escourted by loyal attendants from the luxurious family Ford Anglia to the church, she was asked by a Roundup news sleuth how she felt. So overcome was she with grief, that she had no words to utter at all -- she merely turned and, as captured in the picture below, gave expression to her feelings in gestures alone.
Mrs Peninula, now thought to be worth £1.5 billion, is expected to leave the one-up, one-down home she shared for so many years with the husband she loved so much.Rumours abound that she will be buying Lanhydrock House and turning it back into a family home for herself and the fourteen strapping young lifeguards who also appeared at the church and whose appearance was an obvious and immediate consolation to her in her grief. The Roundup will keep track of this story and update you.
Lonely Hearts of West Cornwall
The Roundup is pleased to act as intermediary between those different souls looking for love in West Cornwall. Five hopefuls advertise us with us this week and we are sure that they will all be soon snapped up.
Linda Penrose (58) lives alone in Heamoor and works at the Penzance Registry Office. She is shy because of her unusual looks and hearing difficulties. However, she has a lot of love to give -- to the right person.Linda is an avid crossword puzzler and Sudoku queen. She loves cooking and gardening and has a pet goldfish called Alfred, who until now has been the only man in her life. She is very fond of country walks but, because of her unusual looks, is nervous of meeting other people whilst out walking. She would like to meet a man with a big heart, strong arms and smell. Box 7195, if Linda seems to be the lady for you.
Tom Trenwith (23) is a postman, originally from St Austell, but now living and working in Relubbus. Known by his colleagues as the "laughing Buddhist", Tom is easily identifiable by his extra wide parting and flowing beard, which he dyes gray. He is a very keen environmentalist and likes to "live off the land", collecting nature’s bounty "instead of feeding Mr Tesco’s coffers". He is particularly fond of mushrooms.Tom has a good career ahead of him, since he is already known as the fastest sorter in the West. Tom has been married on three previous occasions but, unfortunately, all three wives have died of food poisoning. Tom is busily converting a 3 bedroom Relubbus house back into the barn it once was. "’S better that way!" he says. But he is now looking for someone with whom to share his rural idyll. Box 4520 if that someone is you.
Jimmy Chirgwin (32) is man of unusual tastes and many parts. Jimmy, a French polisher from Newbridge, is not ashamed to acknowledge his feminine side and is never to be seen without a feather in his hair. In generally good health, he nonetheless has a daily battle with flatulence at both ends, but, despite that physical challenge, remains chipper and cheerful, which should appeal to the right sort of girl. He sings falsetto in the Sancreed Singers and is a keen draughts player, having come sixth in the 1998 Sancreed district finals.Jimmy is teaching himself Middle High German so that he can better appreciate the works of Walter von der Vogelweide in the original. His ideal girl is someone who shares his growing interest in the medieval German world so that they can explore its ideals together. Box 7239
Evelyn Rosewarne is a 58 years old baker’s assistant. Living alone in a penthouse flat on the luxurious Gwavas Estate, she is looking for a woman to share her life. She is professionally fulfilled, she is sorted domestically, she has hobbies that meet her needs, all she lacks is the love of a good woman. Could that be you?Evelyn has a particular interest that she would like her lover to share and that is the bondage of dogs. She is pictured here amongst the restraint chains with a soon-to-be-restrained victim (Tolver). In the ensuing hours of discomfort for the dog, there was no one with whom Evelyn could share her feelings of elation and release. If this sport appeals to you and if Evelyn seems to be your kind of girl, then Box 5629 is the one for you.
Tarquin Behenna (35) lives with his mother on the sprawling Trewerne Estate at Relubbus. He has always been very fond of Indian takeaways and, for this reason, has been working -- since he was 16 -- as a waiter at the Relubbus Taj Mahal Restaurant and Takeaway.Tarquin has worn Indian dress since the age of 21. Being a bit of a loner, he has developed some strange habits and hobbies, though none of these pose a danger to the public. Most unusually, he collects used handkerchiefs (paper or linen). He also (usually secretly) takes a photo of the person from whom the handkerchief has been collected. His collection now fills one complete room of his ever-indulgent mother’s house. He has been learning to play the guitar since he was 12 and still hopes that one day he will be able to play properly. Following intense treatment, he no longer hears voices, but would still prefer any future girlfriend to have some form of medical background --"just in case". If you would like to make Tarquin proud, then Box 5012 is the one for you.
IN THE NEXT BUMPER ISSUE
- PRESS SCANDAL AS LUDGVAN MAN DIES OF SHOCK AFTER LOTTERY WIN
- LEN AND LILY AT IT AGAIN!
- INTERNATIONAL BANK HQ RELOCATES TO RELUBBUS
- X FACTOR X A KNOCKOUT SUCCESS!
- Professor D B Penhaligon unveils the "future of humanity" in results of Genetic Project
- THE ROUNDUP VISITS THE GREEK EMBASSY
- YOUR STARS
- Our socially-responsible LONELY HEARTS section
- And much, much more!
