POETRY CORNER

By our Poetry Correspondent, Alice Chirgwin-Jacka

The celebrated Penzance poet (from Colinsey Road, Treneere) 'Odgo Semmens has composed the following rousing work, which we feel should be given the widest possible viewing. This astonishing work, which displays 'Odgo at his magisterial best, is styled simply and, in a characteristically Cornish way, "I aren't".

It has already been viewed by 1,789.654 people, who rate it as the greatest work ever written.

I Aren't

I aren't goin' in town today,
I aren't, coz I'm feelin' a bit queasy;
I aren't goin up Mum's tonight,
I aren't, coz my sister's too teasy.

I aren't gunna g'wovver Newlyn tonight,
I aren't, coz is too bleddy cold.
I aren't gunna g'wout with Liza no more,
I aren't, coz she's too bleddy old.

I aren't goin' to work in Kwop no more,
I aren't, coz I couldn' care less.
I aren't gunna say "no" to Mrs 'Ollis,
I aren't, coz she the fittest and best.

I aren't gunna say that I'm "English",
I aren't, coz is not bleddy true:
I aren't, coz I am bleddy Cornish,
And so, my bleddy friend, are you!

'Odgo

RELUBBUS POETRY FEST

Saturday evening at the Relubbus Arts Club, in its sumptuous and prestigious location in Morrab Alley (just off the famed Boswedden Lane), was the setting for a most eagerly awaited Poetry Fest, presided over by renowned society and literary hostess, Dame Margo Boskenna-Pendarves-Stuff-Art (89, shown left).

The event was packed with luminaries of the Relubbus intellectual and literary world, all of whom had gathered to listen to new works by the giants of the Relubbus poetry scene -- Philip Trudgeon (15) and ‘Odjo Semmens (93).

The evening began with a delicious tea, which was generously donated by Mr R.C. Oates, the famous local mega-multibillionaire philanthropist, who had dug deep into his well-filled pockets to supply each person with a slice of cold ‘og’s pudden, a quarter slice of saffern with a smidgeon o’ cream and a cup tay (one only per person!).

After this regal repast, the crowd then settled into the five comfy wooden folding chairs provided and a reverent hush descended on the room as ‘Odjo (shown left) slowly made his way up to the lectern. This much-loved, albeit ripely smelling, old man clad in his hallmark brown (to be safe!) cord trousers with matching hat typically made a sartorial statement every bit as striking as his poetry by wearing a pair of stilettos in post office red.

After noisily, but necessarily, clearing his throat and mouth of several tissues worth of phlegm, he then spoke out his verse in the loud sonorous trumpeting voice we have come to love:

Aggie ‘ad a stroke

I seen ‘er g’win the Kwop down Prom

This mornin’ -- ‘bout ‘a’ pas’ nine.

An’ now I’ve ‘eard she’s up Treliske;

‘ad a stroke, but doin’ fine.

Tha’s the way ee duh go, boy,

You k’int never be too sure.

Take a good long look at the world, my cock,

Before you duh shut the door.

Silence followed the delivery of these potent words, as the mass of people - acting as one -- drank in their meaning and devoted their whole being for almost half an hour to intense interpretation of their significance.

The spell was broken when, led by Dame Margo, the other four leapt to their feet in rapturous applause, whilst the old man tripped slowly back to his seat, precarious on his stilettos.

It was then that the centre of attention focussed on the boy prodigy, Philip Trudgeon (15). He made his way up to the lectern accompanied by PC Carne of the Relubbus police. This unusual measure was a quid pro quo insisted on by the authorities in return for the temporary removal of young Philip’s electronic tag.
It was then that the young ‘master read out his latest work:

Bashin’ ants till tea-time

I duh like sitting on the pavement in the sunshine, when the summer’s ere.

I duh like to watch the ants come out their nest, when I got a ‘ammer near.

I duh ‘it all they little buggers as they duh come runnin’ out,

An’ I play out tunes wi’ the ‘ammer, when I duh give they all a clout.

I can sit three fer ‘ours doin’ that, till Mum calls me in fer tea,

Then I duh git up wi’ me ‘ammer an’ duh g’w’ome reluctantly.

For those who were counting, the other person at the event was Alice Chirgwin-Jacka, Poetry Correspondent of the Relubbus Roundup, who testifies to the powerful impact the poem had on all those present.

Each person attending was given a small memento, in the form of a little hammer and some captured ants in a matchbox, and then the hordes made their way home .

Alice Chirgwin-Jacka

ODGO SEMMENS -- POET OF THE PEOPLE

By our Poetry Correspondent, Alice Chirgwin-Jacka

'Odgo (the "dg" is pronounced as in "stodge") Semmens (73), the restless Penzance poet of Colinsey Road, Treneere, has recently received the honour of coming twelfth in the Perrananworthal Horticultural Society's poetry competition. (The other 8 contestants were all younger than him.)

His entry was a reflective work taking the theme of his Penzance childhood. Written in, unusually for him, standard English, this work is entitled Cornish Boy's Childhood.

Cornish Boy's Childhood

As a lad, I played in hedgerows and smelt the earth and green,
And felt a strange excitement as Linda became my queen.
A kid's small world to him is vast and time it has no end --
Events just string together in childhood's journey without end.

Penzance it was my universe -- the world that I could see,
There was no place beyond it that could mean as much to me.
For all those in the world I loved could be seen within a walk,
And the comfort warm of Cornish chat could be heard within their talk.

Family day out in Trevaylor beneath those trees so tall,
With hide and seek, then sandwiches and laughing fun for all.
I have so many images of now distant boyhood years:
It is a world lit up with love, in which there were no fears.

I wish that every child could know the warmth of a loving nest.
When small, I knew just my Cornish home -- for me it was the best.
A Penwith boy, of Cornish blood, I grew on Cornish scenes;
And feel the love of that sweet place abundant in my genes.

'Odgo

ADVERTISEMENT

CHRISTIAN RECORD HITS!! BUY YOURS NOW!!!!!
You too can own one of the famous CHRISTIAN RECORD hits -- specially recorded for you by the leading lights of the Paul Methodist Church Choir, Ladislaus and Smegma Tregudgeon-Louvin, who sing for you their greatest hit...

"Satan is real!"

Marshall James's Music of Market Jew Street, Penzance is the big financial backer behind these two boys from Paul, who hope to make it big in the music world.

Already, their Enty Dorothy has promised to buy three copies of their record and they are hoping for more purchases soon. There is even talk of a 'grand tour' as far as the Lizard.

If you want to get in early on the success of these two West Cornish boys singing for Jesus (even if the title song is about Satan), then do just like their Enty Dorothy and buy three copies of the record at 14s and 6d each - available now at Marshall James's of Penzance!!!

ODGO SEMMENS' NEW VERSE

By Poetry correspondent Alice Chirgwin-Jacka

'Odgo Semmens (79) the celebrated Cornish poet and author of the now globally-renowned and treasured poems I aren't and Walking in West Penwith, has, under unrelenting pressure from the crowds besieging his home in Colinsey Road, Penzance, released a further work, Penzance Childhood, which seem set to seal his reputation as one of the greatest living poets in Colinsey Road.

Penzance Childhood

Alverton, Gwavas, Penalverne, Treneere
I d'knaw all they places -- they are to me so dear.
First of all there was Susan and then cum Denise
As fresh as a daisy an' clear as sea breeze.

An' then there was "Mental" and my best friend, Tren --
We got into some scraps, but we got out again.
Gone down Newlyn Coombe, when we boys were out scrumpin'
Out come the farmer with his bleddy gun pumpin'.

We 'ad fun in them days -- good laughs, no real crime;
But we've passed 'n all by on the river of time.
I'm glad that I'm 'ere -- it's the right place to be;
Proper for Cornish folk -- like you and me.


'Odgo

ODGO SEMMENS' LATEST MASTERPIECE

By our Poetry Correspondent, Alice Chirgwin-Jacka
'Odgo Semmens (79) the celebrated Cornish poet and author of the now globally renowned and treasured poem I Aren't, has, under considerable public pressure from the crowds besieging his home in Colinsey Road, Penzance, released a further work, Walking in West Penwith, which seems set to seal his reputation as one of the greatest living poets in Colinsey Road.

Walking in West Penwith

Las' Sunday we went walking, ovver to Lamorna bay.
From the top o' Mousel we set out, a glorious sunshine day.
The smell of heather in the air, the glass-green sea below -
It's jes' this sort of beauty that sets my heart aglow.

Las' Tuesday we went walkin', up the back of Gulval 'ill:
You get a good view of the Mount and bay - I can see it still.
Chysauster's ancient magic will never pass away,
You can hear their talk and laughter - hear it to this day.

Las' Wen'sday we went walkin, ovver to the Logan Rock:
We sat there drinkin' in the scene an''ad a snooze an' talk.
Perched high atop the granite cliffs, with sand beach far below,
You watch the distant dance of waves, that make their ebb and flow.

All the walks around this place are paths that lead through time.
And if you are a Cornishman, you hear an inner chime...

'An it's tellin' you "You're 'ome, boy, you're 'ome!"

'Odgo

ADVERTISEMENT FEATURE
Office Solutions from Trembath Office Equipment, Crows an Wra

Trembath Office Equipment has become internationally renowned for its inventive use of space in office planning. Our world-beating design team has recently applied its creative zeal to solving the problems of staff time lost in toilet visits -- as well as making best use of space hitherto only used for toilet visits.

The Solution? The Trembath Office Toilet Workstation! Separate toilet blocks are scrapped! Now everyone sits and works on a Trembath toilet, fully equipped with workstation, telephone, and, of course, with a toilet roll. There is also a swing-out table for eating one's lunch 'al desko'. There is now no need to leave one's desk/seat/toilet. You come into work, make yourself comfy and settle down to the tasks of the day uninterrupted by the irksome need to leave your desk to go to the loo. All your business can be accomplished in one place!

The Trembath Office Toilet Workstation is a mere snip at £987.99.

Notes:
1. Air freshener dispensers are extra at £104.99.
2. 'Hot desking' is probably not an option.
3. Male and female staff will need to 'get seated' separately (Note that curtains drop during the seating process and, again, at the end of the day.) Trembath thinks of everything!!!!

POETRY CORNER

By our Poetry Correspondent, Alice Chirgwin-Jacka

The celebrated Penzance poet (from Colinsey Road, Treneere) 'Odgo Semmens has composed the following rousing work, which we feel should be given the widest possible viewing. This astonishing work, which displays 'Odgo at his magisterial best, is styled simply and, in a characteristically Cornish way, "I aren't".

It has already been viewed by 1,789.654 people, who rate it as the greatest work ever written.

I Aren't

I aren't goin' in town today,
I aren't, coz I'm feelin' a bit queasy;
I aren't goin up Mum's tonight,
I aren't, coz my sister's too teasy.

I aren't gunna g'wovver Newlyn tonight,
I aren't, coz is too bleddy cold.
I aren't gunna g'wout with Liza no more,
I aren't, coz she's too bleddy old.

I aren't goin' to work in Kwop no more,
I aren't, coz I couldn' care less.
I aren't gunna say "no" to Mrs 'Ollis,
I aren't, coz she the fittest and best.

I aren't gunna say that I'm "English",
I aren't, coz is not bleddy true:
I aren't, coz I am bleddy Cornish,
And so, my bleddy friend, are you!

'Odgo