The Relubbus Roundup is proud to be able to retain the services of Boswedden Lane Specialist, Dr Zennor Pengelly (67) of Rosudgeon, pictured below left, who is here to give you the benefit of his inestimable medical knowledge. Readers with any concerns about their own state of health or that of their loved ones should not hesitate to consult Dr Pengelly. The good doctor may be consulted either in Cornish, Cornish-English or in English.
Agnes Andrewartha (49) of Parc Wartha Estate, Penzance writes in: Dear Doc Pengelly, My 'usbant used they Veeagra tablets you sent we las' month fer £2,500. We 'ave used all but one of the 12 tablets and they ebbent 'elped 'im withis little problem, which duh remain as little as ever. We took the las' one down Peasgoods in the town and the chemist there said they was jes' Aspirin. I do bleeve you sent we the wrong bottle.
Doc Pengelly responds: Dear Agnes, I'm sum sorry bowt the mix up with they pills. 'Es my ansum, I do bleeve you're right and we can put that right dubble quick. Jes' put a cheque fer £3,000 in the post fer me and I'll send ee they pills.
Loveday Polkinghorne (21) of Treeve Farm, Hayle, writes in:
Dear Doc Pengelly, I am very worried. I came in to see you three months ago bowt my ingrown toenail and you saw me thirteen times with a different expert each time (though they all seemed to wear the same mac). Then you gibbed me that special lotion to wash my foot in and said it'd all be cleared up no problem in 8 weeks. Well, nuthin's changed and I kent afford no more lotion at £75 a litre
Doc Pengelly responds: Dear Loveday, well, my bird, You doan av tuh worry. I'll sort 'un out fer ee. Bucket a sea water is jest as good. Pop down to the bay, fill up the container from the sea and we wain't say numore about'n.
Captain Johnnie Rearguard-Action of Shag's Nest, Nanjizel writes in: Sir, I write on behalf of my gardener, Derek Tonkin, who came to your consulting rooms to seek help in respect of a nasty chest cold he had contracted, whilst doing some nude gardening with my wife last winter. Apparently you have prescribed him 40 Capstan Full strength . How could you be so irresponsible? Everyone knows that Craven A is recommended for people with sore throats.
Doc Pengelly responds: Sir, I take issue with you strongly on that point. There is no medical evidence whatsoever to suggest that there is any difference in smoking Capstan Full Strength, Craven A, or even Woodbines. What is required is that the respiratory system is suitably 'fumigated' throughout the day. Forty cigarettes daily should do the job nicely. However, for pregnant women, a minimum of sixty cigarettes a day is recommended. (Nursing mothers can receive the cigarettes on prescription.) I trust that you are not suggesting that your gardener contracted pregnancy during his nude gardening stint! I am content to remain with my original diagnosis in respect of Mr Tonkin.
Napoleon Bonaparte (Emperor of the French, King of Italy, etc, etc) of Les Invalides, Paris, writes in: Sir, you have l'honneur of receiving your second letter from me. In my first epistle, I offered you Sardinia in exchange for a effective means of combatting my receding hair. That was four weeks ago and I 'ave receive no reply! This does not make me 'appy. You 'ave two days before you receive visit from the Garde Imperiale.
Doc Pengelly responds: Sir, Having consulted your medical records, it appears that you have been in a state of confirmed death for the last 187 years. Most hair-loss remedies are known to be efficacious, if at all, only ante mortem and I know of none for which claims can be made post mortem. However, you may just try coating your head in fresh horse manure each night for fourteen days. This may well work. If I receive the keys for Sardinia in the post, I shall know that we have succeeded.
A DOCTOR ADVISES...
RELUBBUS HOME FOR ABANDONED ANIMALS
The Relubbus Home for Abandoned Animals (RHAA) provides a rescue centre for all manner of cute little creatures that have been simply ditched by their cruel owners. The RHAA prides itself on never turning away any creature and has developed something of a speciality in caring for unusual pets.
Bosjethnan Tregadgwith (78), pictured left, the Director of the Home, has stated that the rising oil price is to blame for many people abandoning their pets, particularly the more unusual ones, because of the steeply rising costs of specialist animal feed, which has to be flown in.
Exotic animals such as the winged alligator, the Ecuadoran flying two-headed snake, the bespectacled worm, the bipenile toad and the antarctic four-eared antelope all require very specialised foodstuffs which have to be flown into St Just Airport.
Mr Tregadgwith, a pensioner, is unable to fund the suddenly increased costs of the home and has been reduced to trying, unsuccessfully, to sell his body in some of the disreputable gay bars between Pendeen and Zennor in a forlorn attempt to raise the desperately required funds.
Desperate times call for desperate measures and poor Mr Tragdgwith is even having to think of parting with his most prized possession, his beloved 'Farty', an extremely rare example of the Cornish Rex Amoris lapdog.
Farty (pictured left) has been Bosjethnan's dearest companion ever since the death of his 'sweet wifekins', Ariminta, 10 years ago in a tragic accident involving electric curlers and the bath. Apparently the dog is the spitten image of his dear wife, a former Miss Prospidnick many years ago.
Apart from the tender moments Farty spends with his owner at night and five times during the day, he is a fierce guard dog happy to rip the throat out of anyone his master designates as 'Sowsnek". Farty is reckoned to be able to fetch as much as £5,500,000 on the open market.
Readers may wonder just what sort of exotic animals are in the care of the RHAA and the Roundup is pleased to be able to present some of them now. 
The rarest specimens are an unusual animal pairing of "Harry Hippo" and "Theresa Tortoise". The devoted couple are believed to be unique in the animal kingdom. They are pictured here on the left in one of their unusual 'rest' moments.
Much of the day seems to be happily spent by the couple in, as yet unproductive, humping of Theresa by Harry. Bosjethnan is eager to see just what sort of offspring there might be.....a 'hippoise' or a 'tortippo'. Zoos around the world are also eagerly following the couple's progress.
There is equal zoological interest in the peculiar specimen of Aberdeen mouse shown on the left. Named 'Wee Squeakie', the mouse is bigger than a bull and equipped with fearsome horns. Wee Squeakie shows no sign of discomfort in the presence of cats - if anything it is the latter which display fear of the former.
The animal's appetite is also hugely greater than that of a normal mouse. Its squeak too is very much louder than anything to come from a normal mouse. On the plus side, its droppings work wonders in the garden!!
Known as 'Tickles', the alcoholic beaver (shown here with a unusually EMPTY wine glass for a change) is a perfectly normal beaver except for his requirement for red wine. His daily consumption is somewhere between 9 or 10 bottles.
He is particularly fond of Spanish Rioja and French Bordeaux, both of which make him very happy. He does not get on well with Italian Chianti and, in fact, is likely to become dangerously aggressive if Chianti is put into his cage by mistake.
So, Readers, you now have an opportunity to display your generosity by digging deep in your pockets to help out Bosjethnan and his animals. As an incentive, Mr Tregadgwith informs us that the first letter to arrive at the home with a cheque for in excess of £15,000 will win the fabulous prize of looking after Farty for a week!!
OUTCRY OVER DEVELOPMENT OF HAYLE'S SECRET NUCLEAR CAPABILITY
by special undercover correspondent, Nancy Botterell
A furore has broken out over false claims by the People's Republic of Hayle that they will 'achieve Carbon Neutrality through the application of Nuclear power'. In fact, it has now come to light that Hayle's nuclear explorations have a more sinister intent than mere power generation.
The border between Relubbus and Hayle has often been the scene of sporadic outbreaks of violence. It is now feared that Hayle's foray into the world of nuclear power will strain tensions to breaking point and push the two neighbouring, but hostile, states into a full-scale war.
Pictured on the left is Hayle's grim Stalinist leader, a Mummy's boy and maverick hairstylist, Tregavarah Ventongimps (42), who, with the help of his only foreign ally - North Korea - has been building a 'nuclear establishment' at Treeve Lane in Hayle.
Ventongimps, who likes to be known as 'the Leader', seeks to create an atmosphere of mystery about himself. However, the Roundup has succeeded in embedding one of its top undercover writers in his entourage. She - for it is a lady - has now returned from her assignment and can be revealed to be none other than St Agnes born Nancy Botterell ( 34).
Nancy pictured on the far left as she usually appears is a mistress of disguise and transformed herself into the alluring piece of man-bait on the near-left as she assumed the persona of barmaid Rita Rosewarne (21). Dressed to kill as Rita, Nancy soon attracted the unwelcome but necessary attentions of the Leader.
Over several pints of babycham, Nancy was able to uncover various facts.
Firstly, the Leader is extremely sensitive about his hairstyle and has banned the use of the words 'combover' and 'wig'.
Secondly, the Leader suffers - thankfully, as far as Nancy is concerned - from a pronounced form of erectile dysfunction.
Thirdly, the nuclear plant in Treeve Lane has nothing to do with Hayle's announced bid to become carbon neutral but has everything to do with the production of nuclear weapons.
Nancy has returned with photos of the huge installation at Treeve Lane, which is cleverly disguised as a cottage. On the inside, the various chambers include one which is made up to look like a standard nuclear power station control room (shown near left). However, one does not have to go far to discover sinister sealed chambers.
Inside these ghostly chambers captured holidaymakers (usually seized at Hayle Towans but sometimes snatched from as far afield as Carbis Bay), labour away on a starvation diet of reject Warren's pasties and, with no further protection that the swimwear they were seized in, toil to produce deadly nuclear weapons.
Greater Relubbus Urban Council (GRUC) Leader, Mr Billy Spargo (79) was outraged at the news of Hayle's desperate attempt to join the nuclear club, of which Relubbus is, of course, already a member. Shaking with rage and exasperation, he stated, "The 'ole purpose of a Club is tuh keep people out, not to let the buggers in. If that combover calamity from 'Ayle don't step down, we shall 'ave to mek one o' they pre-emptive strikes!!"
The news has sent the CDSE (Connor Downs Stock Exchange) and other significant Exchanges around the world plunging downwards. A sinister quiet of foreboding has descended upon the mean streets of the People's Republic of Hayle. Troops along both sides of the border between Relubbus and Hayle are on 24 hour alert. The world is holding its breath.
