NEWS IN BRIEF

Double Life of Local Worker on Newlyn Kwop Cheese Counter

Newlyn was rocked by the revelation that single mother of seven and part time worker on the cheese counter at the Newlyn Kwop, Mrs Nora Batten (57) has been leading a double life as leader of the Libyan state, where she is known as Muammar al-Gaddafi.

Nora was rumbled on the bus out of Newlyn on her way to Relubbus International Airport, where she was due to board an Oates seatless Easiflight plane to Tripoli.  

Nora had bumped into her old friend from approved school days, retired Gulval streetwalker Wendy Trezise (57) and, as Wendy was in the habit of buying lottery tickets for the pair, Nora was searching out necessary money in her handbag, when her air ticket and Libyan passport fell out.

Says a shocked Wendy, "Noone kuddna bin more surprised 'n' what I was, I kintellee!  I'd knawn she since school.  This 'ere air ticket come out 'er 'anbag, followed by a passport witha picture o' she onut with all this 'ere Ayrab writin' onun!  'Ere maid, wassal this 'ere then, I sed tuh she, I sed!"

Nora was apparently lost for words and then poured out the tale of how she, after the birth of her third child when her then partner was out of work,  answered an advert in the Cornishman for a politically astute statesman to run a North African country on a part time basis.  Hours would be light and rewarded with good money and cash in hand.

Nora couldn't resist the temptation to 'go for it' and has since been leading a double life, frequently disappearing off to Tripoli to do a bit of leadership. 

As well as picking up a handy £13 14s 9d each week in cash, she led a high-powered life in Tripoli with her own luxury tent and a company of all female bodyguards, as well as a red Ford Anglia 105E Saloon with as much free petrol as she could use.

Nora is now under contract to the Roundup to publish her memoirs of this fascinating double life. These will be serialised here in the Roundup, just as soon as Nora has learnt to write.

West Penwith Witches campaign for the right to be taken seriously

Crows an Wra was the inevitable meeting place of the special Convention of West Penwith Witches which was held last week.

The convention was called by Leading Witch and Queen of the Coven, Sheila Bramangath (52) so that the sisterhood could debate ways of encouraging members of the public to desist from pointing at them and laughing.

Says Sheila, who has a part time job on vegetables at Tesco, "Ee idden funny no more. If we duh gwout in our speshul clothes doin' our ceremonies in the fields, we got kids laughin' at we and the adults aren't no better neither!"

Sheila, who was bound to partner Gwen (31), a trainee trolley attendant, in a special handfasting ceremony during the convention, reported that, in a unanimous vote, the sisterhood had agreed to be fearless and indomitable.

She also hinted darkly that the frog population of West Penwith might be suddenly increased if certain people "didden shut their bleddy mouths!"

Pendeen Man swims underwater from Cape Cornwall to Newlyn

Willy Pender (66), a retired jobseeker, claims to have set a new swimming record by swimming under water all the way round the coast from Cape Cornwall to Newlyn.

He says that he undertook the swim last week, which has surprised many given the uninvitingly cool sea temperatures at this time of year.  Even more astoundingly, he claims to have come up for air only on 9 occasions.

Disappointingly, there are no independent witnesses to this marvellous feat apart from Willy's 95-year-old housebound mother, Agnes, who stated, "I sawun leave th' 'ouse las' Tuesday.  When 'ee cum back, 'ee was sum ungry, 'ee was.  'Is woollen trunks was soppin' wet too!"

Willy is now appealing for witnesses prepared to state that they saw him on his marathon swim, which took place between 9.10 am and 9.45 am last Tuesday morning.  He adds, "If anyone duh come forward, I'll see un alright, when the money duh start flowin' in!"

SMALL BUSINESS STARS

The Relubbus Federation of Small Businesses believes that it has a solemn duty to shine the health-

giving light of publicity on fledgling small businesses in the area.

Federation Chairperson, Dame Tarquin Tonkin (89) speaking from his opulently appointed offices adjacent to the new toilet block at Sunset Static Caravan Park near Lelant said, "Th' ideas people duh come up with duh nevver cease t' maze me. Allikunseh is "Come down West, we got the best!"  Jes saws youduhknaw, 'ere's four bleddy crackers far ee!"

Pet Ant died?  Then call up Wiggy!

Wiggy is an expert in Pet Insect Taxidermy, with ants being his speciality.  Wiggy "I'll do un far ee!" Polglaze (25) of Newbridge is a master taxidemist passionate about his craft, who has brought solace to bereaved pet insect owners all over West Penwith.

For many lonely people a pet can bring much needed companionship. This source of comfort can come from pet ants, cockroaches, beetles, earwigs and so on, as much from any cat or dog.  So when a dearly loved one passes on, that magical bond of love can be retained by having the dear one expertly stuffed and displayed on the mantelpiece.

Wiggy, who is registered bald and has an ant colony of his own in his bed, declares cheerily, "If yer pet muryon 'ave died, gib'n 'ere an' I'll stuff 'n up proper far ee!"

Wiggy's services are available at a mere £499.99 plus VAT per ant.

Check your contribution to Global Warming with a Trembath toilet!!

Everyone is rightfully becoming increasingly concerned about global warming and the climate change it is inducing. For instance, global sea level rises of, at least, 45 metres are predicted* by the end of 2011.

Naturally, every responsible person is asking what they can do to avert this disaster. For this reason acclaimed and renowned Crowlas inventor, Tren Tembath (76) has developed a toilet which measures and calculates your personal contribution to gloabl warming at each 'sitting'.

However, as you might expect, the Trembath ingenuity does not cease at that point.  The gases are not allowed to be released into the atmosphere but are captured and converted into bars of ladies' beauty soap, which can then be either used or sold.

Each toilet is lovingly hand-crafted by Mr Trembath himself and this is reflected in the price of £12,500 (not including fitting!).  However this graceful, topical amd very useful product will greatly enhance the value of your home.

*prediction made last week by the Crowlas Climate Change Unit in peer-reviewed work.

Garden needs sorting out? Call the  Nancledra Nude Gardening Trio!!

The Nancledra Nude Gardening Trio of Jack "Nettles" Bolitho-Ball (47), Charmaine "Shortie" Clemo (39 and just 2ft 6 ins tall) and "Badger" Boskenna are all expert gardeners, who, whatever the weather, prefer to work without the clutter of clothing.

So when you hire this dream team, you not only get your garden attended to by professionals, but also have the treat of observing them avoid all the dangers to delicate dangling flesh posed by challenges such as Pyracantha firethorn and so on.

It's not only you who will be amused.  Just think what the neighbours will say.

You can hire all three of the trio for just £1.50 an hour, but please remember that there is an additional cold weather payment of 25 pence per hour from November to April.

Constipation anyone?  Any embarrassing facial hair, ladies?

Tamsin Blewett (36) from Crows an Wra can help you if you suffer from either of these worrisome problems.

Using the finely attunable controls on the her home-made high pressure diamond-headed drill, Tamsin can help you find near instant relief if you have been badly constipated for a few months.

Using an extension on her drill, which she calls the 'fish hook', because that is what it is, Tamsin claims that she can free you up within minutes of application of her wondrous device.

The drill has also had much success in helping ladies who are afflicted with unsightly and unwanted facial hair. Tamsin tackles the root of the problem - quite literally.


Rotating at what she calls 'invisibility speed', the diamond drill just burns away the roots of facial hair forever.

As you will readily understand, Tamsin's treatments do not come cheap.  The 'bum-blaster' costs £17.50 plus VAT, whilst the 'Ladybeard' costs £18.50 plus VAT.  However, customers will take great comfort from the fact that, if any lasting physical damage should result from any of the treatments, a full 4.75% of the fee will be refunded.

5 YEARS AGO THIS WEEK

In the first of an occasional series, we reprint selected stories from our archives. How different Relubbus was just five years ago!

WEST CORNWALL IN SONG

The Reverend Bartholomew Peninula has been an advocate of the virtues of song for as long as he can remember. He has gathered singing talents from the lengths and breadths of Mouzel and environs to put together a ‘winning troupe’.

Pictured on the right of the Reverend gentleman are Mathew Laity (29) from Bologas, Martin Rodda (32) from Tresvennack, Davey Kneebone (41) from Chyenhal, Derek "Shortie" Semmens (37) from Trereife Smelting House, and Philadelpha Pentreath (71) from Kerris, sporting moustache and standing to the right.

The troupe will enter the West Cornwall singing contest with high hopes of getting through to the All-Cornwall event.




Little lost souls looking for a home

Just released from the Madron home for the criminally insane, Charlie Paynter and Madge Baragwaneth pictured here with their "cheeld" known as the "babby" are looking for a loving home in the West Cornwall area.

With several murders apiece, the deadly duo have caused something of a stir in a number of village communities. However, it is hoped that finding them a home in a larger community such as that of Penzance or Crows an Wra would provide the stability that these young folk need to keep them on the straight and narrow.

Offers of help from good Christian homes will be welcomed and should be addressed to the editor of the Roundup, who will forward them to the authorities.



Young "Woman" seeks position

Jemima Trevithal (24), formerly Michael Bollock, a granite quarryman from Rosecarne, is seeking a position as a lady’s maid to a lady of quality, preferably in the Penzance area.

Jemima describes herself as a realist with a cheerful disposition. "My maither d’say that I got winsome looks and oughtie ave been a young lady an I aren’t going to give up on my dream of being the best in the West as a lady’s maid."

Jemima is hopeful of being taken into a home of gentility, where she can further develop her feminine side to a point approaching some degree of credibility.

Advertisement

Do you suffer from headaches? Do you have piles? Does excessive flatulence plague you in those tender moments of togetherness with the one you would love? Do you spend longer on the toilet than you would like? Do you have to wear incontinence nappies? Does your cat have to wear spectacles? Do you (or your cat) have halitosis? Do you suffer from having insufficient money? Do you have ginger hair?

If you have had to answer yes to any of these questions, then help is at last at hand! Thelonius Polweath-Bergamot's new Elixir promises you a new life!

The famous goatherd and alchemist, Thelonius Polweath-Bergamot (51), working from his eyrie at Mayon Green Crescent in Sennen, has, after many years, succeeded in perfecting a magic Elixir, which will take care of all these problems and more!

The ingredients of the elixir are, of course, a closely guarded secret, but Thelonius assures us that they are all distilled from naturally occurring substances found in the environs of Sennen and his goat compound. There is indeed a distinctly 'goatey' smell to the viscous brown fluid that is the elixir. (When quizzed by our Sennen reporter about the magic ingredients, Thelonius just gazed back from his mesmerisingly droopy eyes and said ...nothing.)

The cost of the Elixir is high at £195 for a 5 cl bottle but, as Thelonius says, "Wha's a few bob, when you're fixin' all they problems?"

Thelonius recommends a course of treatment at a bottle a day for fully seven years before the most difficult problems, such as ginger hair or no money, are completely vanquished.

Note: As the Roundup is keen to ensure that it takes advertising money only from bona fide traders - and from no charlatans - we would be happy to hear from anyone after their seven year course of treatment to assure us of the efficacy of Mr Polweath-Bergamot's Elixir.
Hanging by a thread..?

William Ladner (13), drummer of St Just Silver Band, has begun his annual fund-raising efforts for Comic Relief. William is suspended from a swinging trapeze secured only by the curve of his neck and the fervent hope that he will not drop to his death -- no safety net!

William intends to stay up -- without a break -- for 72 hours and all the while he will be playing drum solos, at 10 pence a time, as requested by the public.

Last year, William raised an astonishing 90 pence for good causes and he is determined to better that achievement this time round. William can be viewed -- hanging precariously -- at the Mousehole Methodist Youth Club from Thursday to Saturday.



Local Tycoon starts Charitable Foundation

Richard Quick, the West Cornwall building magnate, who is estimated to be worth some £35 million, has decided that it is time to share his wealth with the less advantaged in the community. He has started up a new charity called "Quick Money". The needy are requested to telephone the charity on an 0800 number and explain the nature of their need for cash. No call is expected to cost more than £4.50.

Tens of thousands of people are expected to call, since Mr Quick has promised to allot the lucky annual winner one of his homes on a holiday estate in Hayle.

When questioned by the West Cornwall Fraud Squad about certain flaws in the charitable nature of his new undertaking, Mr Quick brushed all criticisms aside with a flick of his cigarette, explaining that as long as someone benefited from the charity (possibly himself, in view of the volume of calls) no one was getting hurt.
Loopy Lesneweth is back in town!

Crowds gathered at the advance ticket office of the Sennen Picture House for the sell-out tour of the man they like to call Loopy Laughing Jack Lesnoweth of Lescudjack. The renowned petard amazes his audiences with his ability to blow out a candle at a distance of 35 feet by the sheer force of wind power. Loopy eats only baked beans and raw onions and likes to think that it is his rigid eating regime which keeps him on top of his game.

By day, Loopy works as a driver for St Erth Creamery. All his earnings from his evening entertainment work go to the Newlyn home for fallen Methodist young women, which explains why his act is strongly endorsed by the ministers of the St Just Methodist Circuit.

The Reverend Horton Bolitho commented that the Lord works in wondrous ways and stated that Loopy had been blessed by a divine wind.





Global Warming -- Watch Out!

Intrepid Cornish Inventor, Joseph Bodruggan from Copperhouse in Hayle, has done it again. Aware that the planet faces its greatest challenge in Global Warming, Joe has applied his restless mind to finding a practical solution.

The answer has come in the form of his "bikodrome". A skilled bike rider is balanced on the drum and peddles like mad. The drum turns, producing an electrical current, which can be made available to the National Grid. Joe’s plan is that every house should have a "bikodrome", powered by an illegal immigrant.

The Roundup is proud to have been able to bring you this story first -- before the Nationals.







Poetry Corner
Missus Ollis’s Cat
by a pupil of Lescudjack County Secondary School

Missus Ollis got a cat -- a ginger one -- called Timmy
I ad my eye on ee you see -- me and my mate, Jimmy.

She let n out jes after tea and we grabbed n as ee slinked past
We tied a banger to is tail and never seen n shift so fast.

Policeman Carne came after we, but we was bleddy smart
Ee walked up past where we was id -- laid still - we eard n fart.

But Missus Ollis tole my Ma and she then tole my Dad
Ee gived me ell and belted me - it never urt so bad.

I aren’t upset or nuthin -- tha’s jes the way it goes
I’ll get that bleddy cat again -- is no skin off my nose.

Philip Trudgeon (14)

Passed Ovver (Obituaries)

Welcome to the ever-popular "'Oo’s Dead?" section of the Roundup!

The first thing that some of our older readers do when they get their hands on their edition of the Roundup is to check up on who’s passed away. This month has seen the usual harvest of the Grim Reaper in the luscious lands of West Penwith and it is with great sadness that we convey the news that the following folk have gone to meet their maker:
Eliza Treloar (86), who lived most of her life as a man (Tommy Treloar, a building labourer with a penchant for sombreros), has died in the Barncoose psychiatric hospital for confused trans-sexuals.

Eliza, as she insisted on being known after her 66th year, had fathered a total of 62 children with 11 different mothers -- all over West Penwith. Amazingly, none of the mothers ever knew of or met any of the others. As he had been a jobbing labourer, it was always assumed that he was "away on a job" and never suspected that he could be away on the job.

Eliza continued working -- as a man -- until his 66th year, when he quit to apply for immediate admittance to the Barncoose hospital, where he swapped his sombrero for a flowing floral flamenco dress and castanets. He never left the hospital once and, when the mothers of his children separately found their way to the doors of the hospital, he denied all knowledge of both them and their children, screaming "I aren’t able to faither no children -- I’m a bleddy woman!"

The funeral will take place at Gluvias Street Methodist Church at 2.00 pm next Wednesday. Mourners will be welcome, but are asked to send no flowers. Instead they should feel free to contribute to the Treloar Abandoned Children’s Fund.

Isaac Trenery (45), a devoted amateur dramatist and much-loved local man, passed away quietly and most unexpectedly at home over the weekend. Mr Trenery worked on the Cheese counter at the Lower Co-op in Penzance since he left Heamoor School at the age of 15. He never married, despite his obvious popularity with the housewives, who were prepared to queue for hours to buy his cheese. He lived quietly at home with his mother and his pet gerbils, Cindy and Celandine. He discovered his dramatic bent rather late in life, becoming, at the invitation of a friend, a member of the West Cornwall Men’s Drama Group. Although he most often took girls’ parts, he did occasionally play men and is seen on the left in his favourite role of Macbeth in last year’s production at Nancledra.

Limpy Polglaze (67), owner of the popular Russian Revolutionary Shoe Shop in Bread Street, Penzance, passed away on Monday Night. Limpy leaves a widow, Agnes, and three adult children.

Limpy was a brilliant and colourful Penzance entrepreneur, who was always on the lookout to corner a market. He started his career by launching the Italian Operatic Fish and Chip Shop in Hayle. Tiring quickly, as he did, with every new idea, he moved on to his next "big opportunity" with the opening of Poseidon’s, his Underwater Bookshop, between Penzance Harbour and Battery Rocks. Losing interest in this venture (along with his entire stock and two staff members) following a bad winter storm, he began his theme of "big winners", a string of retail opportunities with different historical themes. Previous themes have included the Elizabethan Lavatory Company; the Tudor Television Company (featuring the world’s only entirely wooden TV set); Legionary’s, the Imperial Roman bakery and delicatessen; and also Atahuallpa’s, the Inca menswear company.

Limpy, a man unfazed by the fact that his left leg was a good four inches shorter than his right, was contented to the last. His funeral will take place at the Kiev-Pechersk Cave Monastery and afterwards (quite a bit afterwards) at the Truro Crematorium.

Dickie "Banjo" Trevains (54) passes on. Commuters from Penzance Railway station will have been familiar with the sight of Dickie Trevains and his banjo. With only one song in his repertoire, Dickie would go to the Station on his days off from work and pluck away enthusiastically at his banjo to accompany himself singing, in his falsetto voice, his Spice Girls’ favourite "Two become one".

Thought harmless until his unfortunate arrest some years back for exposing himself to passing schoolgirls, Dickie tried his best, despite his characteristic "toppest" top hat, to simply blend in with local society. He came to West Penwith at the age of 22 and worked for SWEB, then St Just Co-op, and finally Morrisons. Never marrying, he leaves his pet pig, Pauline, to the bacon counter at Morrisons.

LONELY HEARTS
The Roundup has been besieged by the unattached of West Penwith to offer an introduction facility. We are pleased to do so in this edition and hope that the young people featured here will soon find the partner of their dreams.

Looking for Love in Tredenneck
Lavinia Barnicoat (23) of Bosliven Lane, Tredinnick is looking for a man to complete her life. Lavinia lives at home with her widowed mother and works at the nearby Chynoweth farm as a labourer. Her interests are cross stitch, Sudoku, line dancing, making home-made candles, tormenting small animals, and music. Her passion is the jew’s harp, on which she can play the flight of the bumble bee at devastating speed. Her dream is to find a Prince Charming with whom she can share a life of luxury in a place like St Just, in a house with an inside toilet. Interested Romeos should reply to Box 3024.


In the mood for romance in Ludgvan

Amelia Lewellian (29) of Ludgvan is a catch for any young man. Only child of dairy farmer Ambrose Lewellian (78), she brings with her the warming prospect of the thriving farm in years to come. Close observers of her photograph will have noticed that, whilst Amelia has a fine head with a fetching face marred only by two hardly noticeable moles, she does lack a body. This has held her back in the courting stakes, as she finds it tricky to engage in any of the activities requiring a body. Ambrose hopes that the "farm’ll swing it. Plenty a boys out there ud luv to git their ‘ands on a farm like gis". Amelia remains hopeful. Box 2037 is the one to write to.


Shy but willing to try
Rachel Lanyon (27), a lap-dancer from Gwavas Estate in Newlyn, is a shy retiring girl looking for a similarly quiet man. She says that he should be of advanced years, poor in health, but very rich. "I aren’t a gold-digger. I duh jest find rich men easier to talk to." Rachel lists her interests as collecting old coins of the realm, antiques, jewellery, and fast cars. Her as yet unfulfilled dreams are to "'ave snails in some posh restaurant in Penzance and to do a bit o dogging at the Taj Mahal in India". Interested men (wealthy and over the age of 85) should write to Box 2047.



Fancy a bender?

Gay plumber, Thomas Nankervis (37) of Treave, is looking for a long term relationship. Tired of playing the gay scene in Treave, Thomas is looking to settle down. His interests are bowls, darts, model railways, collecting bus and train numbers, racing his toy yacht, and cooking and baking. Thomas also plays the triangle in Helston Silver band. Interested males, preferably from Treave, are asked to write to Box 4589.







Doctor looking for love

Dr Richard "Scatty" Botheras (42) is a colourful character on the St Ives social and medical scene. Hating dealing with illness and ailments, Scatty likes to cheer up all those he meets with jolly japes, laughs and fun. "Why worry about the illness that will soon have you dead, just have a laugh and a chuckle with me instead!"

With one of the shorter patient lists in medical history (he only had 52 patients left at time of writing), Scatty is looking for a woman to help him with his burden of caring for the sick in St Ives. Box 4521 is the one to write to.


Are you ready for the Boscobba experience?
Grace "Asbo" Friggens (25), of Penorven Drive, Boscobba, is looking for a brave man willing to give her a second chance. With a series of convictions for unprovoked spontaneous knife assaults on the young men of Boscobba, Grace has been finding it hard to form relationships.

Currently unemployed, it is her dream to find a young man with whom to settle down and make a home, preferably in Boscobba. With a population of just 35, this could be a tall order, as she has seriously injured all the young males currently living in the village. However, she fervently hopes that this serene picture of female pulchritude will lure young males from all around West Penwith. Box 2987 is the one to write to.





The Ladies are back!

Many readers have asked for another picture of the Gwithian Ladies Pedicycle Club. We cannot accede to Mr Bosher Thomas’s request for them to be shown in the nude, but they are modelling the latest in knitted cycle wear -- the next best thing.

Pictured, from the left, are June Beckerleg (26), Mary Hocking (24), Eliza Tonkin (25), Gracie Chellew (29), Martha Tregenza (18) and Faith Kelynack (19).

Since they only have the one bike between them, the ladies are keen to meet men of property in West Penwith, who would be prepared to invest in the Club. (No hanky panky!)

DEBUTANTES BALLS ARE BACK!!

Yes, meet the young ladies of style from West Penwith!

On the left are 8 proud new graduates from the Crows an Wra Young Ladies' Finishing School, who will shortly be introduced as debutantes at the Annual Boswedden Lane Debutantes Ball in September.

This grand social event will be presided over, with his customary seigniorial aplomb, by none other than the esteemed Relubbus Council leader Billy Spargo (107) himself, and whichever belle on whom he chooses to bestow the signal honour of his company on this most prestigious of social occasions in the Cornish calendar.

For certain technical reasons, this tends to be a geriatric nurse with particular experience in urological problems, but this year Councillor Spargo appears to be casting caution to the wind.

Despite his, to lesser folk, incapacitating urological and wind problems, it is hotly rumoured around the fashionable salons of Boswedden Lane that the venerated Relubbus leader (pictured here on the left), will be foregoing his usual practice of taking an experienced nursing companion and instead escorting the young lady on the far left of the top photo, Miss Clamydia Trelowarren (21) to the ball.

The other ladies in the top photo – all aged 21 and all from the top drawer of Relubbus society – are, (to Miss Trelowarren’s right) Miss Cynthia Bunt, Miss Lavinia Minge, Miss Mocca Tartt, Miss Spenda Penny and Miss Dorla Rescorla.

The two girls seated at the front (or ‘gels’ as they prefer to be known) are a tight-knit pair from Botallack, who like to be known as the ‘no-knickers brigade’. They are Miss Brenda Bramanagath and Miss Gwendoline Gwenn.

In accordance with tradition, one lucky debutante will be selected as Queen of the Ball.

The young lady will then be showered with valuable gifts, including this year a £5 voucher to be redeemed at Simpson’s of Penzance; a set of nearly-new heated rollers; a half price cup of coffee at the Wimpy Bar; a free ‘blue rinse’ at Shelley’s Hair and Beauty at St Just and a set of tingly horsehair underwear made to measure by the up and coming King of Lingerie himself, Mr Derek Split-Crotch of Newbridge (pictured left, just putting the finishing touches, with mawther’s iron, to a pair of size 20 panties in genuine plastique.)

The only ‘onerous’ duties are the official opening of the refurbished toilets at Newlyn harbour and the requirement to act as a ‘greeter’ at the toilets from 7.00 am till 9.00 pm for the first 60 days after opening.

This is followed by a week of being duty streetwalker (deputising for ace local tart Ada Quick) at St Buryan (from 3.00 pm until 7.30 pm), donating all proceeds to the Botallack Home for Fallen Women.

However, with all this local exposure, it is easy to see why so many young women regard the attainment of the ‘Queen of the Ball’ title as the best possible launchpad into the world of the West Penwith glitterati. Accordingly, we can only say, may the best young lady win!! We will be reporting further...

OBITUARIES: A FOND FAREWELL...

Ethel Batt, the famous ‘songbird of Sancreed’, has passed on at the ripe old age of 104. In accordance with her last wishes, her ashes are to be scattered onto pasties on the Warrens production line in St Just, before they are sealed up and crimped, “so the gift of my voice duh pass direct into the gullet of possible successors.”

In time-honoured fashion (she was originally from Crows an Wra), she has also issued a ‘dying curse’ upon the new Unitary Authority in Cornwall.

Miss Batt was unmarried and leaves her entire estate of £190,000 to her nephew, Cricket (59), an unmarried mortuary assistant from Truro.

Bosvargus Trewern, the former professor of philosophy in the saloon bar of the Swordfish Inn in Newlyn has now sadly taken his last drink, having expired on the Mouzel bus on his way home last Saturday.

Mr Trewern, known fondly by both friends and staff at the Swordfish as “Puddles’, was 79. A man equally at home with a schooner of sweet sherry, a Mackeson or a pint of Watneys Red Barrel, he was only ever known to mix up all three into his ‘special’ after 9.00 pm of an evening and therefore liked to think of himself as a man of bearing, character and sobriety.

Mr Trewern has left his entire estate of £70,000 to 31 year old Swordfish barmaid Nancy Nance, a gift which has caused some raised eyebrows in both Newlyn and Colinsey Road, where she lives.


Wella Donna Jacka, 55, a music teacher, cello solo performer, member of Mount Street Methodist choir and a very popular Guide leader, died last week in a tragic accident, whilst performing her special routine ‘Cello on the cliffs with Wella’ at Lands End.

Always up for a challenge, Miss Jacka continually responded to the call from enthusiastic young Brownies to “sit nearer the edge, Miss!” by moving her seat closer to the edge.

Unfortunately, this proved misjudged when, in the head-nodding fury of a particularly energetic piece, she, together with cello and chair, disappeared over the edge on to the jagged rocks and crashing waves below. Miss Jacka’s estate of £195,000 passes to her devoted lifelong live-in partner, Hazel Opie (54), a primary School teacher.

The world said farewell last week to Long Rock lothario, Leonard Pricke (61), who choked on his false teeth, which he had forgotten to take out. Leonard, a milkman all his life, was never short of a chat-up line and, although he did not marry, always seemed to have a girl – or, at least, a female - in tow.

Leonard was a man of many accomplishments, all of which he kept well hidden from everyone else. Long Rock children lovingly gave him the name “Pavement Pat”, because he often spent a summer night on the pavement in front of the Mexico Inn after a heavy night.

His last girlfriend, Ruby Dick (52), a trainee prostitute from Nancledra, said of him “Ee was sum lovely man, ee was! Proper gent – ee still ‘ad all ‘is own teeth, though ee never brushed them never!” Mr Pricke leaves his entire estate of £53. 59 pence to the Pendeen home for Non-recovering Dipsomaniacs.

SPARGO TO ADDRESS G-20

By our Financial Correspondent, Duane Polkinghorne
Billy Spargo, the Chairman of the Greater Relubbus Urban Council (GRUC), is to address an emergency meeting of the G-20 to be held in New York early next week.

The G-20 is a group of twenty Finance Ministers and Central Bank Governors from 19 of the world's largest economies, plus the EU. Collectively, the G-20 economies comprise 90% of global GNP and 80% of world trade.

However, one notable absentee from the group is Relubbus, whose resilient "Celtic tiger economy" has expanded massively in recent years and whose GNP now stands second only to that of the US.

Until now, Relubbus, under the canny leadership of Chairman Spargo, has resolutely refused to ally itself with any international trading blocs other than the Union of Kernow States. The latter, comprising, besides Relubbus itself, Crowlas, Lower Gwavas, Nanpean, Treneere, Germoe, Perranuthnoe, Crows an Wra, Tremethick Cross, and Tregavarah, has emerged, under the leadership of Relubbus, as the planet's leading energy supplier. Indeed, the GRUC Council Chamber alone produces huge quantities of natural gas, while the vast wind farm at Cripplesease generates sufficient electricity to power the UK national grid.

It is understood that Councillor Spargo, in agreeing to address the NY meeting, is responding to a desperate plea from the world's leaders. As the global financial crisis deepens, they regard the support of Relubbus as the only way to avert a total meltdown of the world economy.

Mr Spargo is expected to solve the international crisis by pledging to underwrite the national debts of the US, UK, France, Germany, Italy, Japan, Russia, India, and China. He could do this by drawing on the vast reserves of the Relubbus Central Bank (shown above) -- rumoured to be in the region of £17 6s 8d!

Advertisement

YES, THEY'RE BACK! ALL THIS WEEK AT THE RELUBBUS HILTON CONFERENCE HALL
THE EAGERLY-ANTICIPATED RETURN OF
JASPER BODINNICK & HIS CARN BREA MOUNTAIN BOYS

TICKETS £100, £75, £50 (standing), from Relubbus Post Office and Warren's, Market Jew Street, Penzance.

THUNDERCLAPS AT ST CLAP'S

By Our Religious Affairs Correspondent, Chlamydia Diaphragm-Fart

Crows an Wra has been rocked by controversy following various scandals emerging from the fundraiser held in the Sunday School rooms of the Maronite Christian Church of St Fiacre -- the latter being, quite by coincidence, the patron saint of sexually-transmitted disease. Although, outside of Crows an Wra, this may be a little-known fact of the sort which might only help you to become successful on Who wants to be a Millionaire?, all the denizens of Crows an Wra know it and thus the Church is known locally as the Church of St Clap's.

“St Clap’s” holds a successful fundraiser every year at this time and it is always a magnetic crowd-puller, attracting a mind-boggling 48 visitors last year, including the Pope, Benedict XVI (shown on the left,wearing a dashing new hat, purchased at Simpson’s in Penzance), temptress Madame Sarkozy, comedian Jimmy Carr, and (then) presidential hopeful, Barack Obama.


Unbelievably, this year, St Clap’s managed to pull in even more visitors, achieving a total of 54. Amongst these, Barack Obama was back again – a hopeful no longer, but a President-elect who stated his clear intention to secure closer bonds with the Greater Relubbus Urban Council led by the visionary 84-year-old Billy Spargo.

As Obama said, “Spargo (shown here on the left in a picture of typical world-leader-inspiring serenity) has so much to teach the world – about ethics, about statecraft and about personal hygiene”. At the mention of this last point, Madame Sarkozy (Cecilia, the Frog one, not the new Eytie one) , another returning visitor and one whose name has been romantically linked with that of Councillor Spargo, burst into enthusiastic applause, followed by floods of sobbing tears.

Apparently Sarah Palin too had been intending to come to St Clap’s at Crows an Wra because it was the only place outside of Alaska, other than Washington, that she had heard of. However, she was held up by emergency repairs on her hairdo.

Celebrity, then, is something we have come to readily associate with Crows an Wra. What is, for us all, entirely new is the huge controversy that has arisen from the nature of some of the fund-raising acts.

The Church verger and assistant choirmaster, 45-year-old bachelor Gwenver Lamprey Smegma-Tregenza, has upset very many people by posing as a "Scotchman", “Wee Doogie MacDuff”.

Wearing just a pink Guernsey sweater, matching pink tartan and pink ballet shoes, “Wee Doogie MacDuff” sat closeted in a telephone box, which was draped in lavish purple satin to discourage prying eyes out for a freebie.

He charged visitors £5 to lift his tartan “to see what a Scotchman has under his kilt!” It was considered that such a show was “lowering the tone” of the event. Both ladies who queued outside Doogie’s stall, the Misses Penberthy (89 and 92), who suffer from poor sight and poor hearing, each went in several times and were heard to remark that they simply could not guess what the vegetable was.

Doogie’s offer of half-price for children was deemed to be beyond the pale and the Rev Abdul Aziz Polglaze closed down the stall when he saw the sign.

Amongst other famous guests, an inquisitive Bundeskanzlerin Angela Merkel, dressed as the Wagnerian Brunhilde and sporting a briar pipe, was seen to be showing especial interest in Agnes Botterill’s home-made Treacle Skin Care range for pipe-smoking females.

José Manuel Barroso, the President of the European Commission, who lends a new respectability to the practice of cross-dressing, was seen to be captivated by Denzil Trevains’ stall “Is it pigshit or is it chocolate?” After 15 tasting sessions at £5 a go, José was clearly deeply shocked to be told that the substance was really not chocolate.

He became extremely upset and was escorted from the building, shouting that it contravened all EU laws to offer pigshit to innocents to eat. Trevains was unmoved: “No one ad’un apart from ‘ee. Everyone d knaw ‘s all a bit laugh. I could’n’ believe it when this ‘ere man cum up and wanted to pay for to eat of un. Mind you – least it was fresh this mornin’!”

At this point the Reverend Polglaze thanked everyone for coming – especially the celebrity foreign guests – and announced that the event had raised a mind-boggling £537.57.

PERSONAL SERVICES FOR THE DISCERNING USER

Depilation the Easy Way

You've given creams a go – and they don’t work.

You've obviously tried shaving, but that is short-lived and bloody.

So now you are looking for the new fail-safe way. And now you need look no further – you will find your answers in Crows-an-wra!!

So come to Crows and Wra Body Torching for that Bunsen Burner treatment that WILL leave you hairless.

Sandra Botterill will leave you hairless and happy!!

A single session with Sandra will cost you only £39.

Weight Loss – achieve it, without effort, at: Buryas Bridge Body Slicing

It is the new technique that helps you lose pounds (or stones) in seconds.

Dickie Addicoat is ready to help you by slicing off unwanted parts (and weight!!) in just seconds!!

Dickie likes to think of himself as a skilled ‘body sculptor’, who can transform your looks.

A two minute (the maximum) session with Dickie will cost you just £95.

Please note that clients must supply their own sticky plasters!!

Spiritual Telegraphs!!

We pass on those last words you forgot to say!

Everyone wishes that they had said some one last thing to their dearly beloved, before they departed. Once the moment has past, the opportunity has gone – forever! Or has it?

No! It hasn’t, you can speak to your loved ones who have passed on!

For a fee of only £42 per word, you can pass on messages to your dear departed with

Spiritual Telegraphs of Boscathnoe.

Constipation Clearance with High Pressure Hosing!

Also effective with Ear Wax, Alzheimers and Homosexuality!!**

Dougie Blewitt is all kitted up and standing ready to help you with whatever ailment you might have.

His cleansing blast will remove all traces of ear wax for good. It is also known to have beneficial effects in the treatment of Alzheimer’s - it does get their attention!

Also, when the power is turned on full, Dougie is convinced that it will ‘cure’ homosexuality, halitosis, and other ailments beginning with 'h'.

5 (Five) minutes with Dougie cost an amazingly little £445!!!!

** As recommended by Cornish Conservative County Councillor Graham Facks-Martin!!!!

Professor Parry’s Counselling for the Confused!!

As a formerly very confused person himself, Professor Parry is well placed to help those amongst us, who have – for whatever reasons – become ’confused’.

Here follows a quick confusion test:

1. Have you ever voted ‘Tory’? (Don’t be ashamed – it happens!)

2. Have you ever been caught with a part of yourself inserted into an animal of any sort?

3. Regardless of the ‘happy state’ of the animal, is there a picture?

4. Have you killed anyone yet?

5. If not, would your weapon of choice be a bomb, a knife, or a bludgeon?

If you have scored four ‘yes’ s and a bludgeon, then Professor Parry is your man!!

He is to be found at the Long Rock Station carriages between 9.10 and 9,40 on Tuesday mornings. Knock twice, as he's usually involved with his favourite Lemur, Albert.

“Recovery’ sessions with Professor Parry can cost as little as £5,000 per 10 minute session!!