YES!!!!! THE ROUNDUP IS BACK .......AND NEWS INTERNATIONAL IS DOWN AND OUT

The Roundup offers sincere apologies for its recent enforced period of 'radio silence'.

This was caused by the unfortunate, and, in our view, wholly unwarranted detention of the entire Roundup reporting and production team.  We had planned an editorial 'Awayday' and picnic at Hayle Towans.  This proved to be an unwise choice of venue.

Readers will know that it situated in The People's Republic of Hayle, which is ruled by eccentrically coiffeured but steely Stalinist dictator and mummy's boy, Tregavarah Ventongimps (42), pictured here on the left.

The oversensitive Ventongimps, who was angered at our frequent references to his exotic combover hairstyle, immediately gave orders for our arrest and detention on learning that the Roundup crew were consuming pasties in the summer rain on the towans.

We were taken to a bleakly dark granite building in Copperhouse, where we were incarcerated and destined to be  forgotten  Indeed, one of our number heard the unmistakably evil and high pitched voice of Ventongimps himself as he commanded his minions to 'thraw they bleddy keys away!"

However, we were not forgotten  by the good people of Relubbus. 

At the personal command of the esteemed leader of the Greater Relubbus Urban Council (GRUC), Councillor Billy Spargo (131) the security service of the state of Relubbus (Mr Ernie Pascoe (33)) was instructed to discover our whereabouts.

It took him just months to track us down using a combination of painstakingly tenacious detective work, satellite spy skullduggery and the inimitable skills of 'Dippy', the three-legged champion sniffer dog.

Told of our fate fate, Spargo lost no time in despatching the crack 'S' squad of the Relubbus Military Police to effect a daredevil rescue.

Agents Dick Harvey and Harvey Dick then effected a night operation to secure our release, which they successfully completed thanks in great part to the efforts of their specially trained getaway horse, 'Orsie'.

Frail as a result of our ordeal we will be resuming a halting, irregular but dependable service.

The Roundup remains, as ever , at your service!!

WATCH OUT JAMIE OLIVER!!  HERE COMES NIGEL BATTEN!!

Nigel Batten (19) is, according to his mother Sandra, Relubbus' answer to Jamie Oliver.

Older readers will recall that Sandra herself achieved some degree of fame, if not notoriety, for her invention of 'Cledra Cola, an intriguing brown drink of pungently stirring natural ingredients  produced in Nancledra on her cousin's farm.

The purgative claims made for the drink were no exaggeration, but so efficacious was it in its cleansing properties that it always required a prolonged hospital stay afterwards to recover from it.

Sandra maintains that it was only for this reason, and not as a result of any discussions which may or may not have taken place with the inspection and prosecution department of the Relubbus Institute of Clinical Hygiene and Health (RICHH) that 'Cledra Cola disappeared overnight from the shelves.

Sandra is now working on  a new version of 'Cledra Cola and promises that we can all expect a big launch next spring.

Meanwhile, all eyes are on her son, Nigel.

This enigmatic boy, who went to school in Prospidnick and was marked out by his already fearful teachers as 'one to watch' is poised to take the culinary world by storm.

In fact he says that he is going to turn the pasty world upside down!

"People ebbent never seen pasties like they ones I'm bringin' out!" he declared.

Told by his mother to 'shut yer big gob!" and not spill the beans before the big launch next week at the flagship Boswedden Lane R C Oates Superstore, Nigel obediently stopped talking immediately. We can exclusively reveal that the revolutionary new range of Batten pasties - to be sold under the catchy slogan of 'Batten down yer 'atch' - will include inspired novelties such as deep-fried pasties, pasties on a stick and pasties in coloured icing for special occasions such as Pirates rugby matches.

Production will admittedly be rather limited at the outset, since Nigel's girlfriend, Lorraine, is currently the only one producing the pasties.

Nigel describes himself as "th' ideas man and marketin' genius be'ind the 'ole operation!"

However, he fully expects to be employing over 2,000 people in  pasty production within just a matter of weeks.

Cornishwomen everywhere are invited to consider contributing their pasty-making skills to this great new venture.  Wages - in excess of 10p per hour - are expected to be paid.  

If you want to see and sample the wares, be at R C Oates Superstore in Relubbus next Tuesday at 10.00 am!

HAVE YOU GOT WHAT IT TAKES TO BE A VOLUNTEER CHAPEL ASSISTANT??

Following the sad passing of Walter Gerontius Penberty at the ripe old age of 124, a vacancy has now arisen in the Union of West Penwith Methodist Chapels for a Volunteer Chapel Assistant.

Walter is shown here on the left in his favourite picture, which was taken whilst he was a schoolboy at the Prospidnick Academy  for Lads with Attention Deficit Disorder.

The post of Volunteer Chapel Assistant is one which Walter has held with pride for the last 34 years of his long life, following his retirement at the age of 94 after a successful career as a trapeze artist with the R C Oates Travelling Circus, which is hugely popular all year round from the Lizard to St Agnes to Lands End.

The important job of Volunteer Chapel Assistant - or VCA - involves servicing the needs of all the chapels in the West Penwith Area by undertaking sundry duties for them all every Sunday.

In view of the distance between the chapels, the job requires the services of an energetic person, who is in possession of a speedy bicycle, preferably one with gears.

Since the position is voluntary, it carries no remuneration.  However, since the Chapel Assistant will be servicing the needs of congregations of sometimes in excess of 9 people, he - or she - can be sure of a lot of heartfelt gratitude.

The post is expected to attract many applicants and selection will be made by the following means:

There will be an on-line test to get numbers down to a final 500.

There will then be a series of telephone interviews to get the numbers down to a final 20.

The lucky 20 will then be interviewed by Mrs Betty Peninula (97) (pictured) and her talking budgie "Pretty Boy" to choose the final 6.

The final 6 will then be interviewed by the Reverend Madron Bolitho.

If you think that you have got what it takes, you are welcome to try for the job.

For each of the 20 chapels every Sunday, you must undertake most, and sometimes all, of the following duties:

• Put the hymns up
• Pump up the organ
• Arrange the flowers
• Polish the collection plate
• Take up the collection
• Act as sidesman
• Manage the communion wine (ensuring that it is strictly non-alcoholic)
• Wash and clean glasses
• Polish the Minister's shoes
• Be on hand to take the blame if the Minister has an unfortunate loud farting incident during prayers
• Plan the Sunday School treat
• Manage the Sunday School treat
• Be the Sunday School Superintendent
• Take all the Sunday School classes
• Tend the chapel garden
• Mow the lawn
• Sweep the pavement
• Sing in the choir (as bass, tenor, alto or soprano as required)
• Take the occasional service
• Be the congregation
• Open up chapel
• Lock up chapel

If you would like to be considered, send a stamped addressed envelope with a cheque for £375 to the Union of West Penwith Methodist Chapels, Boswedden lane, Relubbus.

MAJOR INTERNATIONAL NEWS COLLABORATION ANNOUNCED

Relubbus Roundup teams up with the Liechtensteiner Volksblatt!

Although it is far smaller than Relubbus with (at the last count, in 2004) just 34,600 inhabitants, Liechtenstein has two excellent newspapers, one of which, with millions of readers, has been selected by the Roundup as its international partner. This lucky winner is the Liechtensteiner Volksblatt.

The two globally significant news organisations sent one representative each to a half way point (a roadside café in Hesperange in Luxembourg) to sign an historic agreement which will henceforth mean that Liechtenstein gets inside news about Relubbus and vice versa. The news of the signing has sent ripples around the media world and is said to have caused Rupert Murdoch to have sleepless nights.

Attending the signing for the Volksblatt is their Economics Editor, the very well-informed and deeply attractive Kornelia Pfeiffer.

Kornelia (27 and from Vaduz), pictured here on the left, has the equivalent of thirty two 'O' levels, including Typing and Geography. She is finely attuned to the vibrant throbbing rhythm which characterises the Liechtenstein economy.

Kornelia has long been fascinated by Cornwall and looks forward to an attachment to the Roundup at its premises in the Swordfish, Newlyn.

The Roundup's able representative at what will, in future Media Studies degrees, come to be known as the Hesperange Agreement, is none other than the grand-daughter of the Relubbus mega multi-billionnaire R.C. Oates, little Tamsin Oates. Party girl Tamsin left school (the prestigious and fabulously expensive Nancledra Ladies Academy, run by Miss Tregonning) at sixteen without any qualifications, but this has not held her back in her glittering career. Now 23, she runs the stationery and catering departments at the Roundup.

Curious readers can view the online version of the Volksblatt at www.volksblatt.li.

The link up will provide readers in both countries with many advantages. Two avid readers, Grace Hocking (37) and her friend Martha Lukies (45) from Gunwalloe, pictured here on holiday in Vaduz, Liechtenstein, welcomed news of the big media hook-up. "If you duh think ov'un, it'll be uh proper job. If I duh advertise Enty Mabel's old mangle fer sale in the Roundup, someone from why over to Liechtenstein might want to buy'un. It duh give we a bigger audience, dunna?"

Delighted Volksblatt reader Max Buechli declared, "Tja, wir freuen uns wahnsinning darüber. Relubbus und Vaduz gehören zusammen."

It is expected that the media link will lead to many other cross-cultural connections between Relubbus and Liechtenstein. The Relubbus Institute for Foreign Languages will be making great efforts to help bridge the language barrier. It is producing one of its famous four-way phrasebooks, a few snippets of which we present here. It tells you what you need to say...

Yn Gernow:

• Piw os'ta?
• Ass yw brav an gewer.
  
• Toemm yw hi.

In Cornwall:

• Oo aree?
• Proper weather, inna?
• Sum 'ot inna?

In England:

• Who are you?
• What fine weather!
• It is hot.

In Liechtenstein:

• Wer sind Sie?
• Was für schönes Wetter!
• Mir ist heiß.

People interested in travelling to Liechtenstein will be thrilled to hear that, from next Wednesday, the Western National Bus Service will be running half-hourly services from Penzance Railway Station, via Relubbus, to Vaduz in Liechtenstein. The competitively-priced service will cost £1 14s 4d for a single ticket and £2 9s 8d for a return.

SHOCK DISCOVERY CHANGES PICTURE OF KING ARTHUR FOR EVER!

Professor Wendy Lack-Bollock (56) is the former Nancledra singing nun and now highly acclaimed Relubbus International University Professor of Cornish History.

Professsor Lack-Bollock has sent tidal waves of controversy and excitement through the ranks of the academic world by lending her undoubtedly overwhelming personal prestige to the authenticity of a claim made by one Billy Pender (42) to have found the true and ancient sword of King Arthur in Dozmary Pool.

Pender is a man who has made a nearly steady living by rowing around, on Dozmary Pool, people who wish to catch a  glimpse of the hideous monster 'Dozey', which Pender himself first caught sight of some 25 years ago and which has never been seen again.

Pender, who fortunately had a camera on him at the time, was able to take a quick snap of the monster before it disappeared again into the shallow depths.

From the picture, it has been identified by some (Pender and his sister, Agnes) as being of the Cornish Morgawr variety.

However, the Cornish marine monster expert, Jack Coastow (97), has dismissed this as "utter bleddy codswallop".  He states that Dozmary is at no point deeper than 9 feet and that anyone would be hard put to hide any kind of monster in it, unless it were a monster tadpole.

Labouring against the relentless weight of rash and (according to Pender) ill-founded, but nonetheless damaging dismissals such as this for the past 25 years has restricted the appetite of emmets and other punters to stump up the necessary £45 per head for the 35 minute slow row around Dozmary Pool.

This has naturally put a severe strain on the earning capacity of Mr Pender who, together with his sister and a family goat, lives in an old and lovingly repaired two-man scout tent some half a mile from Dozmary Pool.

However, no one could contradict the claim of Dozmary Pool to have been the place where the legendary Arthur (shown here in typically camp pose) both received and returned his famed sword Excalibur (according to the post-Vulgate Merlin).

Accordingly, Mr Pender has now adjusted his roadside sign to appeal to lovers of Arthurian romance, advertising his boat tours to attract those who wish to experience the magic of the place where the mysterious lady of the lake took back the wondrous sword Excalibur.  This did dramatically increase Pender's weekly income by £90.

However, no one could have been more shocked than Pender himself, when he first caught a glimpse of the famed sword himself.

Says Mr Pender, "I wazouthere wun mornin' early like, avinabit geek fer Dozey, when I saw thisere glinta grey!"

He rowed out to the mysterious object, which seemed to float upon the water, willing him to approach and behold it.

He picked it up and was astounded at how small and light it was.  He was even more astounded to see that scratched on the hilt was the immortal claim, "Thissere duh blong tuh Boy Arthur - 'Ands off!"

He took his find to Professor Lack-Bollock, who, after careful study, made the following statement:

"This find transforms for ever our picture of the true Arthur and it also brings dramatic revelations about so-called Dark Age Britain.

"The sword is a little over 1 foot long.  It is a short sword and is made for a short person and we must now believe that Arthur himself was a little over 3 foot tall.  However, we should not be surprised that so much was achieved by a dwarf.  Shortarses have achieved much throughout history - remember that Napoleon was only 2 foot 11 inches tall.

"However, what many will find almost unbelievable is that the sword is made of lightweight grey plastic, which means that we must completely revise our understanding of Dark Age materials development and use. 

"Plastic is held to be an invention of modern times, but here is clear proof that plastic had been invented and used centuries before in Cornwall.

"There is a further surprising linguistic conundrum.  The inscription on the sword is in a seemingly bastardised form of modern English.  Yet Arthur himself clearly used this language.  The linguistic world has now been thrown into upheaval, as linguists struggle to work out what this could mean for our understanding of the development of European languages."

There is a further very faint inscription on the sword, which can barely be made out with the aid of a magnifying glass.  It reads "Knees, Penzance, Market Jew Street".  Experts are still trying desperately to decode this mysterious message.

The Roundup will report further.

A MATCH MADE IN HEAVEN

Bernice Skaggs, at just 23, the Bolitho Professor of Epic Greek Poetry and of Intravenous Stimulants at the prestigious University of Chyandour has achieved both fame and infamy in her comparatively short life so far.

The sharp searchlight of her forensic mind has opened up the world of Epic Greek Poetry to new generations of Cornish folk, whilst her easy-to-follow practical guide to intravenous stimulation has won countless followers, particularly in the Camborne area.

Whilst her academic work has rightly won her widespread recognition and acclaim from all sides, her somewhat racey lifestyle has sadly only brought her opprobrium -- as well as a Fatwah from the Botallack-based breakaway Methodist Fundamentalist Leader, Ali ben Polkinghorne.

Dressed in her trademark pink (above), she is often to be seen loitering outside unsavoury bars in West Penwith, trying to persuade punters to part with their cigarette cards so that she - an avid collector - can complete her collections all the sooner.

She is also believed to overindulge in her favourite Babycham.  Indeed, on one cold night in February, she was even found (by someone destined to play a major part in her life) at 3.00 am in the morning, stone drunk and wrapped around one of the lions on Penzance Promenade.

It is therefore refreshing that she is in the news again, but this time under the happy banner of good news.

The Roundup can now reveal that Bernice has decided to 'tie the knot' with septuagenarian Gwavas beau and 3rd highest winner in last week's Nancledra Lottery, Tommy "Ladies' Man" Trembath.

Tommy, pictured here quaffing a celebratory glass of Babycham, told the Roundup that he was attracted to the lissom Bernice as much by her intellect as by her good looks.

For it was none other than Tommy who stumbled across Bernice on that cold February night.  "I jes binout on a bender an' I cudden remember the wayome.  I wuz goin pass they lions on the Prom, when I 'eard a groan an' seen Madam, puking up something awful.  She wuz wiffin' o' Babycham and that wuz the clincher fer me!"

Tommy has until now eked out a rather precarious living by running the Ludgvan Latrine Hotel.

This frankly odd institution  has thusfar failed to win any significant interest amongst the emmet public. 

The paltry spartan furnishings of even its Presidential Suite are more reminiscent of an army bunkhouse than of some place that might be graced by a president.

The latrines, into which Tommy has sunk his entire inherited wealth, are faithful reconstructions of early medieval models and so make no concessions whatever to any notions of modern hygiene.

However, there has been a steady trickle of (usually Japanese) eccentrics over the years, who have been lured by the prospect of extremely basic accommodation and an array of untended and aggressively pungent 'medieval' latrines.

This has enabled Tommy to keep his head above water and even to buy the occasional bottle of his beloved Babycham.

The Nancledra Lottery win, believed to exceed three figures, will now enable the lovebirds to slip away to their sumptuous Goldsithney retreat on the outskirts of Greater Relubbus.

SMALL BUSINESS STARS

The Relubbus Federation of Small Businesses believes that it has a solemn duty to shine the health-

giving light of publicity on fledgling small businesses in the area.

Federation Chairperson, Dame Tarquin Tonkin (89) speaking from his opulently appointed offices adjacent to the new toilet block at Sunset Static Caravan Park near Lelant said, "Th' ideas people duh come up with duh nevver cease t' maze me. Allikunseh is "Come down West, we got the best!"  Jes saws youduhknaw, 'ere's four bleddy crackers far ee!"

Pet Ant died?  Then call up Wiggy!

Wiggy is an expert in Pet Insect Taxidermy, with ants being his speciality.  Wiggy "I'll do un far ee!" Polglaze (25) of Newbridge is a master taxidemist passionate about his craft, who has brought solace to bereaved pet insect owners all over West Penwith.

For many lonely people a pet can bring much needed companionship. This source of comfort can come from pet ants, cockroaches, beetles, earwigs and so on, as much from any cat or dog.  So when a dearly loved one passes on, that magical bond of love can be retained by having the dear one expertly stuffed and displayed on the mantelpiece.

Wiggy, who is registered bald and has an ant colony of his own in his bed, declares cheerily, "If yer pet muryon 'ave died, gib'n 'ere an' I'll stuff 'n up proper far ee!"

Wiggy's services are available at a mere £499.99 plus VAT per ant.

Check your contribution to Global Warming with a Trembath toilet!!

Everyone is rightfully becoming increasingly concerned about global warming and the climate change it is inducing. For instance, global sea level rises of, at least, 45 metres are predicted* by the end of 2011.

Naturally, every responsible person is asking what they can do to avert this disaster. For this reason acclaimed and renowned Crowlas inventor, Tren Tembath (76) has developed a toilet which measures and calculates your personal contribution to gloabl warming at each 'sitting'.

However, as you might expect, the Trembath ingenuity does not cease at that point.  The gases are not allowed to be released into the atmosphere but are captured and converted into bars of ladies' beauty soap, which can then be either used or sold.

Each toilet is lovingly hand-crafted by Mr Trembath himself and this is reflected in the price of £12,500 (not including fitting!).  However this graceful, topical amd very useful product will greatly enhance the value of your home.

*prediction made last week by the Crowlas Climate Change Unit in peer-reviewed work.

Garden needs sorting out? Call the  Nancledra Nude Gardening Trio!!

The Nancledra Nude Gardening Trio of Jack "Nettles" Bolitho-Ball (47), Charmaine "Shortie" Clemo (39 and just 2ft 6 ins tall) and "Badger" Boskenna are all expert gardeners, who, whatever the weather, prefer to work without the clutter of clothing.

So when you hire this dream team, you not only get your garden attended to by professionals, but also have the treat of observing them avoid all the dangers to delicate dangling flesh posed by challenges such as Pyracantha firethorn and so on.

It's not only you who will be amused.  Just think what the neighbours will say.

You can hire all three of the trio for just £1.50 an hour, but please remember that there is an additional cold weather payment of 25 pence per hour from November to April.

Constipation anyone?  Any embarrassing facial hair, ladies?

Tamsin Blewett (36) from Crows an Wra can help you if you suffer from either of these worrisome problems.

Using the finely attunable controls on the her home-made high pressure diamond-headed drill, Tamsin can help you find near instant relief if you have been badly constipated for a few months.

Using an extension on her drill, which she calls the 'fish hook', because that is what it is, Tamsin claims that she can free you up within minutes of application of her wondrous device.

The drill has also had much success in helping ladies who are afflicted with unsightly and unwanted facial hair. Tamsin tackles the root of the problem - quite literally.


Rotating at what she calls 'invisibility speed', the diamond drill just burns away the roots of facial hair forever.

As you will readily understand, Tamsin's treatments do not come cheap.  The 'bum-blaster' costs £17.50 plus VAT, whilst the 'Ladybeard' costs £18.50 plus VAT.  However, customers will take great comfort from the fact that, if any lasting physical damage should result from any of the treatments, a full 4.75% of the fee will be refunded.

ENTY MAY'S SALON

Enty May (43 and Nancledra born and reared) is a much-loved contributor to the Roundup, who is prized by many for the carefully considered advice she hands out to those beset with the quandaries of modern life.

As she is also known for the quality of intellectual cut and thrust in her renowned Gwavas 'salon', we have asked her to share with us a snippet or two from her busy high society life - the envy of many in West Penwith.

Ello, my luvvers! Oweealldoinov? 

They nice Roundup people 'ave ast me to let ee all into bitta my busy life.  Well, I couldn' say'naw, could I, speshially when they offered a 'ole boxa they Ferrero Rotchers for 'un.  So 'ere goes!

I wuz deown Kwop 'smornin nice ' early doing my weekly shopliftin' an all I could 'ear roun' me was "Idn neverbinusbadazis".

So I said to Mrs 'Ollis (oo's out and about again after her opration down blow las' month) "Wassall that aboutuh? What ebbent bin subad?"

She said "This 'ere bad weather we're avin, tha's what!  I tell ee 'sfreezin up Buryan.  Ole man o' 98 upair 'ad 'is back'ouse toilet completely freeze ovver.  W'as worse, 'eed fallen asleep on un at the time an 'ad to be unfrozen with a blow torch!  Well, nearly did fer'n nat did, poor ole bugger."

"O, es", said I, with 'n understandin nod, while I carefully 'id nuther tin o' beans deown  my knickers.  

The shoppin was getting' a bit 'eavy neow and was beginin to show through the extra large cot I duh wear fer shopliftin.  So I said my goodbyes and went up tuh the till, where I 'anded over the pack o' penny chews I duh always get 'n pay fer.  While I was payin, I could ear the roar o' the car engine eoutside.

My eldest nephew, Trev, oo's 13 - summgoodeeis too, bless 'issoul - was waitin outside in today's noo car. Trouble is when you've borrowed ovun withoutta key, 's best to keep the engine runnin' --  which is jest as well as I might 'ave ad to leave in a 'urry.

I struggled roun to the back o the car, fished out the week's shopliftin' 'n chucktenall in the boot 'cept fer the bottle o' vodkee fer boy Trev, oo'd gone tuh the trouble a getting up early to find a car fer we and needed to 'ave a good reward.

Trev took a fews swigs and then drove me roun' tuh the Penzance Arts Club, where I was givin my weekly talk - topic gis week "Can Tories 'ave souls?"  Course, after a 'our o' entertaining deliberation, I 'ad to conclude that Tories only 'ave assoles - bleddy big ones too!"

Then - good as 'is word - Trev, my li'l bird, come roun' with a anawther noo car to tek me 'ome fer a nice cuppa tea and vodka.

Couldn' sit roun fer too long.  Ad tuh get muskates on, as I a'd that President Teacosy o' Frince comin round fer private advice on 'is li'l problum.  Anyway, more 'bout that sum other time. I gotta getonagain 'ereneow.  Cheers neow!  See ee 'gen dreckly!

Enty May

TEENAGERS TO VOTE ON RELUBBUS' MOST POPULAR SONG

Youngsters in and around Relubbus will surely be thrilled to have the opportunity of selecting their most favourite popular song at a special Youngsters' Gala night at the internationally renowned Relubbus Panopticon Theatre next Saturday night.

Greater Relubbus Urban Council (GRUC) Leader Billy Spargo (108) has helped the youngsters by selecting for them eight all time greats from which to choose their favourite song and the eight greats are:

1. I do like to be beside the seaside
2. Goin' up Cambern 'ill
3. I'm Henery the Eighth I am
   
4. Where did you get that hat?
5. Hello! Hello! Who's your lady friend?
6. Hold your hand out naughty boy!
7. It's a long way to Tipperary
8. Waiting at the Church

The songs will be performed by two alternating groups, both well-known to the young Cornish audience - namely The Nancledra Black and White Gay Barber Shop Quartet and the Kkenidjack Kkernewek Kkemmyn Kkaraokke Ensemble (with ever popular organ soloist Onan Weebles).

Smart money in internet betting circles seems to indicate that "Goin up Cambern 'ill" is the runaway favourite.

The event is open to any youngsters between the age of 15 and 21. The Panopticon can accomodate 40,000 people and the event is expected to be packed out on the night.

Girls will sit on the left of the theatre and the boys will sit on the right, whilst the gangway between them will be patrolled by members of the Young Methodist Women's League against 'Goings on'.

Councillor Spargo has asked that the doors be opened at 3.30 pm to let the audience in so that the four hour event will be over in good time to allow the youngsters to get home early to bed for Chapel next morning.

The compere of the event will be the all-time kiddies' favourite Mr Pastry, pictured here far left.

However, everyone is expecting Pinky and Perky to put in an appearance as well to amuse the boys and girls.

The two little piggies seem to have a cult status amongst the young folk of Relubbus.

We asked some youngsters what they thought about this superb entertainment event.


Christine Slut, a 19 year old self-employed 'pole dancer' from Sancreed, said, "Well, it makes a change from walking the streets, so I'm up for it!"


Nigel Botheras, a 20 year old trolley operative apprentice from Pendeen said, "If it means a free bus out of Pendeen, I'm yer man!"


Kerensa Trewhela, a 21 year old 'junya' from the Relubbus branch of the internationally renowned Shelley's Hair and Beauty said, "Luvlee! When all they people duh see my 'air, they might as' me to do theirs too!"

Of course, the Roundup will be there to report on this Youngsters' event of the year.










s

MAGIC OF ROMAN RELUBBUS REVISITED

In our 15^th July 2007 issue, we published news to a flabbergasted world of the astounding discovery of a hitherto entirely secret and hidden Roman colony situated in the difficult and often impenetrable terrain that forms the southern border between Greater Relubbus and the rest of Kernow.

‘Mirabile dictu’, as the ancient Romans used to say, the colony had survived as a perfect enclave of ancient Roman language, culture and civilisation.

Since the discovery, there has been a controlled influx of curious tourists and a flourishing trade between Relubbus and its Roman neighbour, which now calls itself Urbs Relubbana.

We consequently felt that it was time to revisit the ‘Urbs’ to see what changes this contact with the modern world had brought about. We therefore despatched one of our ace reporters, Archilaus Tresidder (14), to find out.

Readers may well recall that Tresidder received the Annual Relubbus Budding Journalist Award (13-year-olds’ section) last year for his ground-breaking expose of necrophilia at Nathan Cock’s hugely popular Chapel of Rest at Prospidnick.

Tresidder is pictured here with Cock, who gallantly volunteered to have his picture taken with the young journalistic author of his undoing, prior to being led away by police.

Tresidder’s gripping Urbs Relubbana report follows:

My mother woke me at 8.30 am so that I could make an early start. I ate a hearty breakfast of hot and well-salted porridge to fortify myself for the day and then set off to engage the famously difficult countryside that marks the border between Relubbus and the Roman colony.

The border between Relubbus and Urbs Relubbana is patrolled on the Relubbus side by officers of the Greater Relubbus Urban Council (GRUC) Border Police and, on the Roman side, by members of the local Legionary force, still proudly wearing the uniform of the 2^nd Augusta.

On the Relubbus side of the border, in Farmer Treglown’s backfield, I was met by the strapping but cheery figure of WPC Loveday Tremain (26), whose name was familiar to me as she had come third in last year’s Nancledra Dogging Open.

She has asked me to use a photo from her passing out parade at the Prospidnick Police College, ”as my ‘air duh look good in that one!” However, here on border duty, WPC Tremain was dressed in standard combats on top of regulation cast iron, though pink, underwear.

WPC Tremain was largely complimentary about her new Roman neighbours, although she did warn me strongly about their fancy for chewing raw garlic cloves. She also told me to watch out for the strange fact that the women didn’t shave their legs, but that the men did.

Armed with this valuable information, I then pressed on through thick undergrowth, two streams, some marshland and then up through thick gorse until, emerging somewhat bedraggled, I found myself once more eyeing the strangely seductive figure of WPC Tremain. She said “I’ss easier if you duh take the new road they Romans ‘ave built – over there”.

I blushed with embarrassment and, though my clothing bore clear traces of my struggle with raw nature, I was thankful that mother’s purchase for me of short trousers that were longer than average had saved my knees from getting scratched. I brushed myself down and continued along the fine new recently constructed Roman road, which, straight as a die, cut through the countryside uncompromisingly.

I halted at a great stone archway where I was met by Marcus Quintus Clemo and his close friend and colleague, Marcus ‘Julia’ Jago.

The two had been sitting playing with one another, whilst waiting for me. It seemed that games were important to the Romans. A small crowd of Relubbus tourists on route for the colony had gathered to observe them.

As soon as I pulled out my camera, the two Romans frantically gesticulated that I should not photograph them. The photo on the left accordingly shows them as close as I could get to a ‘full frontal’, as we ace journalists call it.

As I moved nearer to the two border guards, WPC Tremain’s words resounded loudly in my head as I was met with a fierce blast of raw garlic that left me gasping. Wholly unaware of their halitotic handicap, the two Romans smiled broadly, revealing just how much damage can be done if you do not visit your dentist regularly.

Marcus spoke: “Salve! Quod facisne iucundus puer in hic loco?” After ten minutes of mutual grinning in pungently garlic-perfumed air whilst I looked this up, I realised to my horror that he had said “What’s a nice boy like you doing in a place like this?”

Amidst bluster and fluster, I withdrew and plunged on down the road towards the ‘Urbs’, having quickly registered that WPC Tremain had indeed been correct about these men shaving their legs. What would mother think?

My next photo captures a scene in the main Forum, which encapsulates much of the change that has occurred.

Truly, the Urbs has become a tremendous success with tourists. Comfortable chariots – like those in the picture – convey the visitor all around town.

However, this success has taken its toll. Witness the cigarette that driver Publius (who now likes to be known as ‘Derek’) is smoking. There is not a domus in the Urbs that does not now have a television set. 95% of the population over the age of 6 has taken up smoking and gets through a couple of packets of cigarettes a day. The abacus has been discarded for the calculator and change is the order of the day.

Unfortunately, I could not stay any longer, as I would have been home late for my tea, which mother would not have liked. I knew that I would already be in her bad books because of the state of my clothes and so, after taking this cracking shot of a smoking Publius, I scuttled off back home, musing on the merits of this mixing of cultures and, drawing on my school Latin, wondered “Cui bono?”-- “to whose benefit would it be?"

Archilaus Tresidderus (14)

OATES’ OUTRAGE OVER INDIAN CALL CENTRE

RC Oates (62), pictured here in happier times, the fabulously wealthy Relubbus entrepreneur, is taking a former business partner, Eric J Addicoat (73), to court following the initial failure of Mr Oates’ recently launched car breakdown service.

According to Mr Oates, who is also chair of the Relubbus Justice Oversight Commission, the success of this new venture had been ruined by Mr Addicoat’s contribution. Mr Addicoat had been engaged to provide a cut-price telephone facility for the desperate motorists to contact in the event of an emergency.

Mr Addicoat explained from the painfully small oubliette, in which he had been temporarily confined prior to his transfer to prison, that he had heard that Indian call centres were the cheapest way of managing telephone services of this sort.

Mr Addicoat then secured the services of a native American tourist to work in the ‘call centre’. Chief Quanah Nocona (103), who speaks only Comanche, agreed via sign language to ‘use white man’s speaking machine’ for £5 a day with pasties thrown in.

However, the poor motorists who ‘phoned up hoping to be rescued by the new Oates’ breakdown service were greeted by the sound of a mournful Comanche chant in honour of those ancestors who had passed on to the care of the Great White Spirit.

Said Miss Edna Osborne (93) of Nancledra, “I duh need my car, which is as old as what I am. So I paid my £450 fer the ‘the full whack’ service includin ‘Ome start’. Yes’day I wanted to g’win town and ee wouldn’ start up. I ‘phoned the ‘mergency number and all I got was bleddy Tonto crowin’ away. Not ‘appy, I can tell ee!!”

All 14,000 people who tried to use the service in West Penwith over the first two days were greeted by the baleful sound of Chief Nocona’s seemingly endless lament.

After 48 hours of failure, news of the disaster reached the multi-billionaire entrepreneur RC (“jes call me Arsey!”) Oates at his sumptuous summer holiday cottage in Colinsey Road, Penzance. Shaking with rage, he demanded that his security units place ‘that bugger Addicoat” in the dreaded oubliette, (pictured left) beneath the toilets of his flagship megastore in Relubbus.

Mr Oates has declined to replace the Addicoat ‘Indian call centre” with a more traditional call centre sited in India. The hard-nosed businessman has not taken this decision through any fluttering fanciful patriotism. He maintains rather that it is a sad, but true, fact that Cornwall is one of the very poorest parts of Britain.

It is simply far cheaper to employ Cornish people than to set up the needlessly complicated arrangements required to service Cornish motoring needs from Bangalore. As he says himself, “If I duh break down up Pendeen, I want to speak to someone in Botallack, not bleddy Bangalore."

CLASSIFIEDS

RELUBBUS CORRESPONDENCE COURSES CAN CHANGE YOUR LIFE!!

Lifestyle Guru, Athleton Telescope (41) of Gurnards Head (and formerly of Nancledra)


Offers you 5 life-changing correspondence courses:


1. How to make millions from the New York and Crowlas art markets!

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3. The triangle as a means of communicating with alien beings.

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5. DIY Cosmetic dentistry for under £5

Each course costs just £25 or get all 5 for just £160.

Cornish People – Stay in Cornwall for your holiday!

The 400 bed Kernewek Kemmyn Hotel (formerly ‘the George’) opens its doors to Cornish people only and operates a strictly ‘No English’ policy.

This means that no one can stay unless they can demonstrate Cornish ancestry on both sides for the last ten generations.

The ‘No English policy’ also applies to language – no English words can be used in the hotel or its grounds. For this reason, the Hotel is an ideal environment for anyone seeking an intensive Kernewek Kemmyn experience. Users of other orthographies are NOT permitted, being even less welcome than the English themselves.

This unique linguistic experience is available to you at just £140 per person per night!!

The 400 beds are arranged, in four rooms or dormitories, in sextuple-decker beds. There is an ensuite (in fact ‘in-room’) toilet in every room (please bring own toilet rolls!).

One of the dorms is for children, another for married men, another for their wives and a fourth for ‘others’

The ‘Full Cornish” breakfast consists of ogs pudden and ogs pudden. For an additional £4 per person, you can have the pudden cooked and accompanied by one fried egg and one rasher of bacon.

RELUBBUS CLASSIFIEDS

Women seeking Men

Normal woman, 31, currently working down Tesco’s on the biscuits and sweets, often mistaken for a young Helen Mirren, into ouija boards, mystic smoke and plastic gnomes WLTM interesting young solvent male who goes commando like me at work. 077652 8765

Free-spirited F, 72, 8 ft tall ex-librarian seeks male Anglican tango dancer of similar height and age in Madron. 077432 8761

Lizzie, 5 times divorced, stylish, vivacious, 53 (no STDs). Have received ASBO and face eviction from Colinsey Road home next week. Can offer loving kindness and the odd bit of cleaning and cooking to rich man, preferably living in St Buryan or, possibly, Tregeseal. 077542 5439

Pauline (67), retired builder’s apprentice from Gwavas, can name all the shops on both sides of Market Jew Street from 1905 to the present day. Will be happy to make her special spiced badger patties for the right man who shares her interests. 077652 98632

Men seeking women

Honest ex-Dartmoor inmate (52) seeking to make new life after long stretch (for fraud, not violence) seeks wife (30-35). Able to offer house, car and spending money. Must be a looker – absolutely no mingers! 077634 4532

Defrocked priest, keen handyman (42) , currently living with mother, clean driving licence, told by mother must go or give up collection of 320 budgies. Urgently seeking new billet with understanding woman who will share fondness of budgies. Also must be very careful not to get shampoo into my eyes on Saturday bath nights. 077653 5632

Young multi-millionaire (23), with body like 007, has temporary cash flow problem and is finding it difficult to keep the souped-up Ford Anglia on the road. Needs help from loaded female who likes fast cars. Interviews at No 123 Colinsey Road on Tuesday evening at 9.00pm.

Special Needs

One-legged homosexual postman from Sennen (late fifties and shy), not yet come out, seeks discreet similar, preferably also from Sennen. 077864 6531

Will ‘Nigel of Porthgwarra’ who ‘phoned offering to help us with the problem ‘phone me back, as I have lost his number. We manage up to a point, but then the bag breaks. Arnold 077885 4321

Bill of Gulval (59) has home-made wooden tandem bike, which he would like to share with left-handed woman of similar age who wears (or can be persuaded to wear) pink old-fashioned National Health glasses.