SPECIAL BILLY SPARGO EDITION

This week the Roundup looks at the central figure in the political, administrative, literary and social life of Relubbus.

The much celebrated Councillor Billy Spargo (129), shown here smiling for the camera as he sits at his work, is the ever youthful Leader of the Greater Relubbus Urban Council (GRUC).

Generations of people in Relubbus have grown up knowing no other leader in this proud independent state.   But few know the man behind the name and behind the statesman.

Accordingly, in this first part of a planned 9,675 part serialisation about the greatest man in Relubbus, we take a look at the human being behind the name.   This week we look at the Ladies' man.

Spargo is an honest man of the soil and only decided to go into politics after strong encouragement to do so from his Enty May and also from Queen Victoria and the then Pope. 

This tradition of support continues today as can be seen from this photo  of the present day Queen and Pope emerging gratefully from a recent audience they were granted with Councillor Billy Spargo. 

There were rumours about Spargo and Victoria and there have been rumours down the decades about the closeness of his relationship with royal ladies ever since.

Spargo is a man of regular and spartan habits.  He prides himself on taking a bath annually, although he abhors the use of soap as being something completely unnatural.  As he correctly points out, "There iddenuthin bout soap in the Garden of Eden, izza?!"

Despite the comparative rarity of this bathing event, there are 7 'Ladies of the bathchamber', whose job it is to ensure that the sundry deposits built up over the year are removed from the surface and various crevices of Councillor Spargo's body.

As you would only expect, there is great competition amongst the women of Relubbus for the signal honour of of being one of the chosen few.  There is an annual draw and thousands of hopefuls put their names forward, but only 7 are chosen.

The picture is of the current ladies of the bathchamber, who are, from the left, Lucy Trembath (23), Betsy Angwin (32), Agnes Trevorrow (62) with, behind her, Tamsin Chirgwin (39), Loveday Baragwaneth (21), Pammie Polkinghorne (29) and Linda Addicoat (40). 

Said spokeswoman Agnes, "'Sworth every minnut!  Ee's a real man, we ebbent nevver seen nuthin like it!  You'd nevver bleeve ee was 129 - more like 29.  Kept all o' we 'appy!"

One of the special rewards that go along with the honour is the right to bottle and sell the health-giving water in which the great man has bathed.  The claims made for the water are many.  It is reputedly a cure for the common cold, for hair loss, for problems 'down below', for flatulence and for 'feelinabit queer'.

Spargo's history with the ladies is the stuff of legend.  His reputed conquests range from Mrs Wallis Simpson (wife of King Edward VIII, not a lady of the family that owns the famous Penzance store!) to Mrs Rachele Mussolini, Ms Eva Braun, Mrs Jackie Kennedy, Madame Sarkozy, Helen Mirren and Mrs Lyudmila Putin.

Spargo has been married several times and has had many affairs, despite his punishing 18 hour day toiling for the people of Relubbus on Council business.  Members of the public may be wondering who might now be his current squeeze.

The Roundup can exclusively reveal that it is none other than intoxicatingly beautiful young Araminta Pengelly (23), a checkout operator from Long Rock.

Araminta, who attended Relubbus Comprehensive School and left with distinctions in advanced knitting, manicure and leafing through popular magazines, is trying to keep a low profile, as revealed by the picture on the left from a recent photoshoot. 

Araminta, a girl of few words, did coyly confess to looking forward to having her first Spargolet.  You read it here first!

Next week, we will be looking at Spargo, the man of letters.

WHAT RELUBBUS MEANS TO THE WORLD

In a fragile, changing world buffeted by events, a constant and reliable bulwark such as RELUBBUS is a necessary point of reference for all.

But just what does RELUBBUS mean to the movers and shakers of the world? We asked 8 influential people what RELUBBUS means to them.

Barack Obama

When I campaigned for the office of President, I had one image fixed firmly before me and it was the picture of the one true Statesman this world has ever seen – Billy Spargo.

It is no secret that I modelled my internet campaign on the so-called Spargo political fishing net, which ‘captures more political fish’ than any other. It is a matter of great regret to me that I cannot make Relubbus the site of my first foreign visit, since Councillor Spargo has told me that he has no time to fit me in for a couple of years.

I shall wait patiently. Relubbus stands for everything I would like America to be. When I walk down Boswedden Lane for the first time, I will truly be a happy man.

Cecilie Attias (Sarkozy)

The reason I left my former husband, the 3ft 6 ins tall French President, Nicholas Sarkozy is that I met a real man whilst on holiday in Cornwall. He may have been 91 years old but he had a very powerful aroma, which conquered me.

He took me to Boswedden Lane and to the RC Oates Superstore, to the Relubbus Conservatoire, to the spacious halls (yes, there are two!) of the Wendron Lane Methodist Church to a meeting of the Young Farmers’ wives and I realised the poverty of Parisian life in an instant.

The sad limp structures along the Seine have nothing to compare with the brave bold buildings of Relubbus. The superior sights and smells assault the senses and leave one as helpless as I felt in the strong arms and penetrating aroma of the great Spargo.

I was just a plaything – a distraction - for this great man and I had to go elsewhere to find a poor copy of the great Spargo after I had left my pathetic Parisian dwarf, but I did retain a reverend respect for Relubbus, which reared this great man.

HU Jintao

At a G20 meeting in Relubbus, Billy Spargo took me both to the Fish and Chip Shop half way up Causewayhead in Penzance and also to the Wimpy Bar in Market Jew Street. Then he took me to a rehearsal of the famous Newlyn Male Voice choir, which had worked under the legendary Norrie Williams.

Dizzy with this cultural overload, I was then taken to Penlowarth, where the sheer inventiveness of the benefits claimants was breathtaking. After this, we walked down the serene majesty of Boswedden Lane completely alone, apart from the four thousand Relubbus Boy Scouts assigned to us as security.

Their constant vigilance and ‘preparedness’ made me realise that China truly had much to learn from Relubbus. My two day visit gradually stretched to one month as I realised that the thousands of years of Chinese ‘civilisation’ had brought us nothing. The sophistication of society in Greater Relubbus had won me over completely. Now we all say “Long Live Lelubbus!”

Helen Mirren

Years ago, before I was famous, I was walking down Bread street in Penzance having got really badly pissed up at a party in St James’s Street, when I bumped into a man called Sam Curnow, who ran a fish shop near the top of Causewayhead in Penzance.

I was drunk. He was drunk. But he started talking about the bombs and I was away with him. Yes, he was a little old at his 84 years to my 18, but he had Cornish charisma and I have never met a man since who could do what he did – drunk or sober.

In his memory, I am there for Relubbus, the place of his birth.

Yulia Tymoshenko

We want it civilisation innat Ukraine. It is wonderful ting you know, like? Accordingly we examine all countries round world to get good example to follow it here.

As soon as we hear of Greater Relubbus, bastion of freedom in face of totalitarian Communist Hayle led by dictator Tregavarah Ventongimps, we think of our position here in free sunny Ukraine by the sea right next door to cold Russia of Vladimir Ventongimps Putin.

I write to great Billy Spargo and ask it him for help. He reply kindly by saying he will give me one. Relubbus is model not just for Ukraine, but for all world.

Pope Benedikt XVI
One of ze main reasons that I haff poping taken up is zat – years ago – venn I vaz on holiday in Cornwall, I met ze young Wilhelm Spargo.

I vaz 11 and he vaz older. He vaz my hero and I followed him like a puppy dog. “I vish to be in your gang, Billy!” I screamed. He replied “You gotta better chence of bein pope than bein in my gang, boy!” Being a serious-minded Cherman, I took his vords to heart and applied myself to becoming pope.

Now zat I haff zis achieved, I vill ask Billy if za Vatikan can join ze Relubbus gang! I haff to hurry zis request as I haff been getting into troubles recently and might be ze first Pope to have ot resign! When I haff done poping, I will ask nicely to come to Relubbus to hide.

Lawrence of Arabia

As a child I played upon the sand dunes of Relubbus Towans. My parents often went off drinking leaving me to fend for myself as toddler of 1 or 2 years old.

This toughens you up. With nothing but a nappy to protect me from the blisteringly hot Cornish rain in temperatures which, in August, reached as high as 18 degrees centigrade, I roamed far and wide over the Towans and thus came to love the sand and regard it as a safe haven.

When I reached the deserts of Arabia, it was only the military requirement to ‘blend in’ that kept me from donning a nappy again and, instead, putting on the namby-pamby get-up which the surrounding Ayrabs wore. Thus I owe it to my early years training in Relubbus that I took to the desert sands so well. Hats off to Relubbus!!

THUNDERCLAPS AT ST CLAP'S

By Our Religious Affairs Correspondent, Chlamydia Diaphragm-Fart

Crows an Wra has been rocked by controversy following various scandals emerging from the fundraiser held in the Sunday School rooms of the Maronite Christian Church of St Fiacre -- the latter being, quite by coincidence, the patron saint of sexually-transmitted disease. Although, outside of Crows an Wra, this may be a little-known fact of the sort which might only help you to become successful on Who wants to be a Millionaire?, all the denizens of Crows an Wra know it and thus the Church is known locally as the Church of St Clap's.

“St Clap’s” holds a successful fundraiser every year at this time and it is always a magnetic crowd-puller, attracting a mind-boggling 48 visitors last year, including the Pope, Benedict XVI (shown on the left,wearing a dashing new hat, purchased at Simpson’s in Penzance), temptress Madame Sarkozy, comedian Jimmy Carr, and (then) presidential hopeful, Barack Obama.


Unbelievably, this year, St Clap’s managed to pull in even more visitors, achieving a total of 54. Amongst these, Barack Obama was back again – a hopeful no longer, but a President-elect who stated his clear intention to secure closer bonds with the Greater Relubbus Urban Council led by the visionary 84-year-old Billy Spargo.

As Obama said, “Spargo (shown here on the left in a picture of typical world-leader-inspiring serenity) has so much to teach the world – about ethics, about statecraft and about personal hygiene”. At the mention of this last point, Madame Sarkozy (Cecilia, the Frog one, not the new Eytie one) , another returning visitor and one whose name has been romantically linked with that of Councillor Spargo, burst into enthusiastic applause, followed by floods of sobbing tears.

Apparently Sarah Palin too had been intending to come to St Clap’s at Crows an Wra because it was the only place outside of Alaska, other than Washington, that she had heard of. However, she was held up by emergency repairs on her hairdo.

Celebrity, then, is something we have come to readily associate with Crows an Wra. What is, for us all, entirely new is the huge controversy that has arisen from the nature of some of the fund-raising acts.

The Church verger and assistant choirmaster, 45-year-old bachelor Gwenver Lamprey Smegma-Tregenza, has upset very many people by posing as a "Scotchman", “Wee Doogie MacDuff”.

Wearing just a pink Guernsey sweater, matching pink tartan and pink ballet shoes, “Wee Doogie MacDuff” sat closeted in a telephone box, which was draped in lavish purple satin to discourage prying eyes out for a freebie.

He charged visitors £5 to lift his tartan “to see what a Scotchman has under his kilt!” It was considered that such a show was “lowering the tone” of the event. Both ladies who queued outside Doogie’s stall, the Misses Penberthy (89 and 92), who suffer from poor sight and poor hearing, each went in several times and were heard to remark that they simply could not guess what the vegetable was.

Doogie’s offer of half-price for children was deemed to be beyond the pale and the Rev Abdul Aziz Polglaze closed down the stall when he saw the sign.

Amongst other famous guests, an inquisitive Bundeskanzlerin Angela Merkel, dressed as the Wagnerian Brunhilde and sporting a briar pipe, was seen to be showing especial interest in Agnes Botterill’s home-made Treacle Skin Care range for pipe-smoking females.

José Manuel Barroso, the President of the European Commission, who lends a new respectability to the practice of cross-dressing, was seen to be captivated by Denzil Trevains’ stall “Is it pigshit or is it chocolate?” After 15 tasting sessions at £5 a go, José was clearly deeply shocked to be told that the substance was really not chocolate.

He became extremely upset and was escorted from the building, shouting that it contravened all EU laws to offer pigshit to innocents to eat. Trevains was unmoved: “No one ad’un apart from ‘ee. Everyone d knaw ‘s all a bit laugh. I could’n’ believe it when this ‘ere man cum up and wanted to pay for to eat of un. Mind you – least it was fresh this mornin’!”

At this point the Reverend Polglaze thanked everyone for coming – especially the celebrity foreign guests – and announced that the event had raised a mind-boggling £537.57.

PROFESSOR MADRON PENGELLY, PSYCHOTHERAPIST

CELEBRITY NEWS
Professor Madron Pengelly (29) is, in the opinion of his mother, the world’s greatest psychotherapist. He has, apparently, helped the disturbed minds of countless global glitterati who have flocked to his consulting rooms in his Granpa’s shed just off the Long Rock Industrial Estate.

A session with him reminds all classical scholars of the celebrated partnership between Plato and Socrates, for Professor Pengelly is always in the company of his adviser, Dan Jago.

Pictured here are, on the right, Professor Pengelly himself, and, on the left, his constant companion since the age of 15, the redoubtable Dan Jago.

Although they have animated conversations with one another, it is only ever Dan Jago who now speaks to third parties, including Professor Pengelly’s mother, Sandra (58).

Thus it was that our interview with the young genius was conducted entirely through the medium of Dan Jago, who had been given a good wash by Mrs Pengelly prior to our visit.

We asked whether Professor Pengelly was prepared to name any of the famous folk he is said, by his mother, to have helped. Dan Jago became very animated at this point and rounded on us declaring “We are neither able nor willing to breach patient confidentiality”.

Roundup reporters are nothing if not dogged and the reporter assigned to undertake this interview, Pender “Ferret” Treglown, was not prepared to be so easily discouraged. Negotiations commenced immediately and rapidly advanced to a point whereby Pengelly, according to Jago, was prepared, for a sum no less than £1.49 and no more than £1.51, to spill the beans on his two latest clients.

Neither of these two clients is in the category of international glitterati. In fact, they are both local girls. However, they have agreed, only after the offer of suitably attractive financial inducements, to give their accounts of psychotherapy with “Dan and Mad”.

Elspeth Behenna (21), of Kenidjack describes herself as a freelance corpse dresser. It is a lonely job, travelling from morgue to morgue, cleaning up the recently deceased to look their best for their beloved.

It is perhaps the solitary nature of her professional life that allowed her to slip into the aberration, which became her undoing, of eating (after frying in olive oil!) the left buttock of each of her clients. When she confessed this on a visit to Father Christmas at the R C Oates Superstore, it was his shocked reaction and refusal to give her a present that made her realise that something was wrong. She then approached “Dan and Mad” for help.

She stated that it was only a matter of seconds until Dan fully commanded her attention and until she was no longer conscious of the fact that Mad’s right hand disappeared into the sock that was Dan. She reported that every time that Dan spoke in his high-pitched squeaky voice with a pronounced Camborne accent, Mad’s left hand was covering his (Mad's) mouth.

With artful verbal proddings, Elspeth was soon made to feel the error of her ways and she is now over her little aberration. As she says herself “I do’n eat bum no more!!”

The next patient, Rosie Trembath (24) of Landewednack presented more of a challenge, as became apparent during the first of their 42 (so far) consultations.

Rosie, a self-employed market gardener, has, since the age of 14, had an itch problem ‘down below’, which can only be relieved by vigorous couplings. The frequency with which such relief had to be sought was beginning to get in the way of her day job and she realised that she had a problem. Thus she had recourse to “Dan and Mad”.

Professor Pengelly’s usual manner of procedure was interrupted right from the first consultation, when Rosie began to outline the nature of her complaint. The professor’s left hand slipped from his mouth and moved to his trouser pocket. Rosie then became the first patient to witness the professor’s mouth moving as Dan spoke, but she was distracted from this obvious observation by the strange, but mesmerisingly rhythmic movements in Professor Pengelly’s trousers as she told her tale.

Enervated by the whole experience, Rosie felt no further itches as long as she kept her regular appointments with the Professor, which she continues to do to this day.

Thus we have but two accounts of therapy with this unusual man. However, a reliable source , Mrs ‘Ollis, who does cleaning at nearby Morrisons, has seen several celebrities slipping in and out of the hut, including the Chancellor of Germany, Frau Merkel, His Holiness the Pope, Presidents Bush and Sarkozy, Mrs Cherie Blair and Basil Brush. We will be watching!

POPE DECLARES PINK THE NEW COLOUR FOR 2008 SEASON!

Report by Fashion Editor "Free trade"
Pope Benedict XVI, who has acquired a reputation for being no slouch in the fashion stakes, has come out boldly to declare that pink is to be THE colour this year.

Pictured on the left at a Church fashion gathering near Rome, when he knew that there would be plenty of photographers present, the Pope -- and his retinue -- made a bold commitment to the colour pink as the preferred colour of the year. Later cornered by a Roundup reporter, the Pope, who is from Bavaria in Southern Germany, offered the following views, "Hello, it is vunderful for me zis opportunity to have, my opinions on ze fashions for zis year to giff. Your readers may not know zat I zis little pink get-up from Dorossy Perkins in Penzance bought haff. It makes no secret of ze fact zat I zis year my full backing to ze colour pink am giving."

The Pope was then whisked away to the TV studios in Milan, where he is a judge in the Italian version of The X Factor.