By our award-winning political correspondent, Rendell Janner
The Union of Kernow States, led by the economic and military powerhouse of Greater Relubbus, has issued a unilateral declaration of independence (UDI) from England, declaring Kernow -- like Scotland and Wales -- to be a separate nation within the United Kingdom.
The picture shows the gigantic statues of the ancient kings of Cornwall that have been erected at the entrance to the Tamar road bridge. These colossal figures -- hewn from Prospidnick granite -- are, according to Councillor Billy Spargo, Leader of the Greater Relubbus Urban Council (GRUC), intended to emphasise that the Tamar is an international border and that England stops at its banks.
Councillor Spargo has stated that the official language of the newly-independent state will be Kernewek Kemmyn. In an ironic reversal of what happened in the sixteenth century, English will be banned from public life. The English Book of Common Prayer will be outlawed and church services will be conducted throughout in Kernewek (although Latin will also be permitted).
In future, all legal documents must be written in Kemmyn. Henceforth, any contracts written in English will be considered void.
Likewise, all public business, including council meetings and court hearings, will be conducted in Kernewek, although in criminal trials simultaneous English translations will be made available to Sowsnek malefactors, so that they are able to understand the dread sentences meted out to them.
In a concession to emmet tourists, road signs will be dual-language (though the English version will follow the Cornish and be in rather small letters).
What do YOU think of these incredible developments? Add a comment to this article to let us know your views!
Advertisement
YES, HE'S BACK! ALL THIS WEEK AT THE RELUBBUS HILTON CONFERENCE HALL
THE EAGERLY-ANTICIPATED RETURN OF THE LEGENDARY AMERICAN ROCK STAR
ROY ORBISON
TICKETS £100, £75, £50 (standing), from Relubbus Post Office and Warren's, Market Jew Street, Penzance.
KERNOW ISSUES UDI
SPARGO TO ADDRESS G-20
By our Financial Correspondent, Duane Polkinghorne
Billy Spargo, the Chairman of the Greater Relubbus Urban Council (GRUC), is to address an emergency meeting of the G-20 to be held in New York early next week.
The G-20 is a group of twenty Finance Ministers and Central Bank Governors from 19 of the world's largest economies, plus the EU. Collectively, the G-20 economies comprise 90% of global GNP and 80% of world trade.
However, one notable absentee from the group is Relubbus, whose resilient "Celtic tiger economy" has expanded massively in recent years and whose GNP now stands second only to that of the US.
Until now, Relubbus, under the canny leadership of Chairman Spargo, has resolutely refused to ally itself with any international trading blocs other than the Union of Kernow States. The latter, comprising, besides Relubbus itself, Crowlas, Lower Gwavas, Nanpean, Treneere, Germoe, Perranuthnoe, Crows an Wra, Tremethick Cross, and Tregavarah, has emerged, under the leadership of Relubbus, as the planet's leading energy supplier. Indeed, the GRUC Council Chamber alone produces huge quantities of natural gas, while the vast wind farm at Cripplesease generates sufficient electricity to power the UK national grid.
It is understood that Councillor Spargo, in agreeing to address the NY meeting, is responding to a desperate plea from the world's leaders. As the global financial crisis deepens, they regard the support of Relubbus as the only way to avert a total meltdown of the world economy.
Mr Spargo is expected to solve the international crisis by pledging to underwrite the national debts of the US, UK, France, Germany, Italy, Japan, Russia, India, and China. He could do this by drawing on the vast reserves of the Relubbus Central Bank (shown above) -- rumoured to be in the region of £17 6s 8d!
AdvertisementTHE EAGERLY-ANTICIPATED RETURN OF
JASPER BODINNICK & HIS CARN BREA MOUNTAIN BOYS
TICKETS £100, £75, £50 (standing), from Relubbus Post Office and Warren's, Market Jew Street, Penzance.
BLOC VOTING ENSURES EUROVISION SUCCESS FOR RELUBBUS
Report on the Eurovision Song Contest by Cultural Correspondent, Gissa Tune
STOP PRESS, Saturday 24th May, 4:30 p.m.: Relubbus's success in the contest is now virtually assured, after it was confirmed earlier today that almost all of the members of the Union of Kernow States, including Crowlas, Lower Gwavas, Nanpean, Treneere, Germoe, Perranuthnoe, Crows an Wra, Tremethick Cross, and Tregavarah, intend to vote for Relubbus. The only notable exception is the People's Republic of Hayle (with which, of course, Relubbus is currently at war). The Relubbus camp are confident that the massive power of the Kernow bloc will comfortably outweigh the other voting blocs from Scandinavia, Eastern Europe, and the Balkans.
The world hunkers down in preparation to celebrate one of the greatest cultural events of the year in the Eurovision Song Contest. Nowhere is this feast of song more eagerly awaited than in Relubbus, which, because of its acknowledged deep reservoir of talent, is unique in being allowed three entries to the contest.
The Roundup has decided to take a peek behind the rehearsal curtains (at the Relubbus Scout Hut) and take a closer look at the three privileged acts, to whom falls the inestimable honour of representing Relubbus.
First up under the microscope is the undoubted shining talent of retired postman and musical maestro, Dickie Berhardinus Botheras (79). Dickie is a favourite amongst the glitterati of Relubbus high society and is a regular performer much in demand at the Relubbus Conservatoire.
Some might deem him an unusual highbrow choice for the more populist Eurovision contest, particularly as he will be offering no vocals at all. Instead he will rely on his faithful old saw and provide stirring music for the soul in another of his famous solo peformances.
Dickie is getting quite excited about his first Eurovision contest and has been receiving special attention for his bladder weakness so that he is not let down on the night. Nerves apart, he is confident of doing well and, clutching a brand-new saw from B&Q, declared "'S in the bag, boy!"
A surprise weapon in the Relubbus arsenal for this year's assault on the Eurovision is an entry from Denzil 'Alice' Liddicoat (51), the only male member of the Relubbus Lesbian Speed Crochet group.
Alice, as he likes to be known, is a fully qualified plasterer and decorator and is believed to be the only person in Relubbus to have taken the full three month yodelling course run by Dirk Bumgartner in Vaduz, Liechtenstein in preparation for the contest.
The authorities have given Alice their full backing by letting her off her Community Service sentence for long enough to attend the course. High Court Judge Lentil Tregenza commented "It will be good for Denzil and it will be good for Relubbus".
Music Aficionados believe that Alice's natural falsetto voice will set her up well for the yodelling song she intends to perform. An own composition, the song is entitled "Yodelaity" and contains a moving text, which tells the story of an unlikely but passionate love affair between a dubiosexual plasterer and Joanna Lumley.
Without doubt, the runaway leaders in the trio of Relubbus acts to take on Eurovision is the award-winning duo of Bert Clemo (39) on squeezebox and Dan Jago (62) on guitar.
After a lifetime of jamming in clubs all around Relubbus to the delight of their devoted following, the couple finally turned professional last autumn, both handing in their notice at the RC Oates Superstore in Relubbus, creating two vacancies in the fruit and veg section.
Since then, they have enjoyed phenomenal success, with each new record release going straight to the top of the singles charts. With a close eye to what has proved successful in Eurovision in the past, they have set their own new lyrics to the tune of "Going up Camborne 'Ill" in an attempt to win over the European public.
For those familiar with the tune, we provide the first verse of the lyrics so that you can sing along:
Bim Bom Bam Bim Bummer Bim Bum
Bim Bom Bam Bim Bummer Bim Bum
Bim Bummer Bim Bum
Bim Bummer Bim Bum
Bim Bom Bam Bim Bummer Bim Bum
In trials in Liechtenstein, the easy text of the song has been found to make it a great Euro singalong favourite and so the boys' hopes are high. You will soon have a chance to judge for yourself.
The night before the Eurovision, you will be able to hear the song on Simon Cowheel's "Relubbus Has Got Talent" Show, as the boys perform, accompanied by the Mousehole Nonagenarian Near-Nude Female Zimmer and Dance Troupe.
A SPECIAL WELCOME TO ALL OUR CURIOUS VISITORS FROM MAINLAND EUROPE!
Relubbus looks forward to welcoming you within its borders in the not too distant future.
Every visitor to Relubbus before the end of June will receive a free Cornish pasty !
The Roundup's articles over the past year will educate you about Relubbus and its glorious history. It has, for instance, a surviving colony from Roman times, which is still Latin-speaking! Just one of the many, many amazing facts about Relubbus, which has embassies all over Europe! Look here to find the Roundup's report on YOUR Embassy in Relubbus!
