YES!!!!! THE ROUNDUP IS BACK .......AND NEWS INTERNATIONAL IS DOWN AND OUT

The Roundup offers sincere apologies for its recent enforced period of 'radio silence'.

This was caused by the unfortunate, and, in our view, wholly unwarranted detention of the entire Roundup reporting and production team.  We had planned an editorial 'Awayday' and picnic at Hayle Towans.  This proved to be an unwise choice of venue.

Readers will know that it situated in The People's Republic of Hayle, which is ruled by eccentrically coiffeured but steely Stalinist dictator and mummy's boy, Tregavarah Ventongimps (42), pictured here on the left.

The oversensitive Ventongimps, who was angered at our frequent references to his exotic combover hairstyle, immediately gave orders for our arrest and detention on learning that the Roundup crew were consuming pasties in the summer rain on the towans.

We were taken to a bleakly dark granite building in Copperhouse, where we were incarcerated and destined to be  forgotten  Indeed, one of our number heard the unmistakably evil and high pitched voice of Ventongimps himself as he commanded his minions to 'thraw they bleddy keys away!"

However, we were not forgotten  by the good people of Relubbus. 

At the personal command of the esteemed leader of the Greater Relubbus Urban Council (GRUC), Councillor Billy Spargo (131) the security service of the state of Relubbus (Mr Ernie Pascoe (33)) was instructed to discover our whereabouts.

It took him just months to track us down using a combination of painstakingly tenacious detective work, satellite spy skullduggery and the inimitable skills of 'Dippy', the three-legged champion sniffer dog.

Told of our fate fate, Spargo lost no time in despatching the crack 'S' squad of the Relubbus Military Police to effect a daredevil rescue.

Agents Dick Harvey and Harvey Dick then effected a night operation to secure our release, which they successfully completed thanks in great part to the efforts of their specially trained getaway horse, 'Orsie'.

Frail as a result of our ordeal we will be resuming a halting, irregular but dependable service.

The Roundup remains, as ever , at your service!!

WATCH OUT JAMIE OLIVER!!  HERE COMES NIGEL BATTEN!!

Nigel Batten (19) is, according to his mother Sandra, Relubbus' answer to Jamie Oliver.

Older readers will recall that Sandra herself achieved some degree of fame, if not notoriety, for her invention of 'Cledra Cola, an intriguing brown drink of pungently stirring natural ingredients  produced in Nancledra on her cousin's farm.

The purgative claims made for the drink were no exaggeration, but so efficacious was it in its cleansing properties that it always required a prolonged hospital stay afterwards to recover from it.

Sandra maintains that it was only for this reason, and not as a result of any discussions which may or may not have taken place with the inspection and prosecution department of the Relubbus Institute of Clinical Hygiene and Health (RICHH) that 'Cledra Cola disappeared overnight from the shelves.

Sandra is now working on  a new version of 'Cledra Cola and promises that we can all expect a big launch next spring.

Meanwhile, all eyes are on her son, Nigel.

This enigmatic boy, who went to school in Prospidnick and was marked out by his already fearful teachers as 'one to watch' is poised to take the culinary world by storm.

In fact he says that he is going to turn the pasty world upside down!

"People ebbent never seen pasties like they ones I'm bringin' out!" he declared.

Told by his mother to 'shut yer big gob!" and not spill the beans before the big launch next week at the flagship Boswedden Lane R C Oates Superstore, Nigel obediently stopped talking immediately. We can exclusively reveal that the revolutionary new range of Batten pasties - to be sold under the catchy slogan of 'Batten down yer 'atch' - will include inspired novelties such as deep-fried pasties, pasties on a stick and pasties in coloured icing for special occasions such as Pirates rugby matches.

Production will admittedly be rather limited at the outset, since Nigel's girlfriend, Lorraine, is currently the only one producing the pasties.

Nigel describes himself as "th' ideas man and marketin' genius be'ind the 'ole operation!"

However, he fully expects to be employing over 2,000 people in  pasty production within just a matter of weeks.

Cornishwomen everywhere are invited to consider contributing their pasty-making skills to this great new venture.  Wages - in excess of 10p per hour - are expected to be paid.  

If you want to see and sample the wares, be at R C Oates Superstore in Relubbus next Tuesday at 10.00 am!

HAVE YOU GOT WHAT IT TAKES TO BE A VOLUNTEER CHAPEL ASSISTANT??

Following the sad passing of Walter Gerontius Penberty at the ripe old age of 124, a vacancy has now arisen in the Union of West Penwith Methodist Chapels for a Volunteer Chapel Assistant.

Walter is shown here on the left in his favourite picture, which was taken whilst he was a schoolboy at the Prospidnick Academy  for Lads with Attention Deficit Disorder.

The post of Volunteer Chapel Assistant is one which Walter has held with pride for the last 34 years of his long life, following his retirement at the age of 94 after a successful career as a trapeze artist with the R C Oates Travelling Circus, which is hugely popular all year round from the Lizard to St Agnes to Lands End.

The important job of Volunteer Chapel Assistant - or VCA - involves servicing the needs of all the chapels in the West Penwith Area by undertaking sundry duties for them all every Sunday.

In view of the distance between the chapels, the job requires the services of an energetic person, who is in possession of a speedy bicycle, preferably one with gears.

Since the position is voluntary, it carries no remuneration.  However, since the Chapel Assistant will be servicing the needs of congregations of sometimes in excess of 9 people, he - or she - can be sure of a lot of heartfelt gratitude.

The post is expected to attract many applicants and selection will be made by the following means:

There will be an on-line test to get numbers down to a final 500.

There will then be a series of telephone interviews to get the numbers down to a final 20.

The lucky 20 will then be interviewed by Mrs Betty Peninula (97) (pictured) and her talking budgie "Pretty Boy" to choose the final 6.

The final 6 will then be interviewed by the Reverend Madron Bolitho.

If you think that you have got what it takes, you are welcome to try for the job.

For each of the 20 chapels every Sunday, you must undertake most, and sometimes all, of the following duties:

• Put the hymns up
• Pump up the organ
• Arrange the flowers
• Polish the collection plate
• Take up the collection
• Act as sidesman
• Manage the communion wine (ensuring that it is strictly non-alcoholic)
• Wash and clean glasses
• Polish the Minister's shoes
• Be on hand to take the blame if the Minister has an unfortunate loud farting incident during prayers
• Plan the Sunday School treat
• Manage the Sunday School treat
• Be the Sunday School Superintendent
• Take all the Sunday School classes
• Tend the chapel garden
• Mow the lawn
• Sweep the pavement
• Sing in the choir (as bass, tenor, alto or soprano as required)
• Take the occasional service
• Be the congregation
• Open up chapel
• Lock up chapel

If you would like to be considered, send a stamped addressed envelope with a cheque for £375 to the Union of West Penwith Methodist Chapels, Boswedden lane, Relubbus.

STRAIGHT COUPLE DENIED ENTRY TO GAY B&B

Relubbus is rightly known internationally for its tolerance and it veritably glitters in the light of its reputation as a safe haven for folk of all persuasions.

It is therefore no surprise that Prospidnick in Greater Relubbus is the chosen site of the first nudist gay B&B, run by devoted couple Ron Trezise (76) and his longterm partner Ron Polglaze (65).

The two gents, who have been working as itinerant plumbers in West Penwith since their teens, first bumped into one another whilst working on emergency repairs in the Gents in Penlee Park in Penzance on one balmy evening back in 1968.  Since then they have been an item.

As Ron T. explained, "If you duh ask fer ee, you duh get we and if you duh ask fer me, you duh still get we!"  For this reason they became known as the "Two fer one plumbers, oo duh get the job done inaff the time!"

The two Rons are leading lights in the Gwavas Contralto Queer Choir, which has been a champion of gay rights  in the West Penwith musical world for decades.  They are also both fanatical gardeners and passionately ardent nudists.

When retirement came, they decided "to set up a B&B fer folks like we!"  They then searched out a round house, the  very shape of which would embody their opposition to anything square.

When they set eyes on the Prospidnick round house, they fell in love with its circular simplicity.  As it is beautifully round, they have divided it up into segments like some great pink grapefruit.  Pink is incidentally the colour of all the decor and furniture.
There are 16 segments: one for the kitchenette, one for the bathroom and toilet, one for the dining room, one for the living room -- which also contains the front door -- and 12 for the guest bedrooms.

Whilst the house is known for its cheery cosiness, the segments are separated from one another by sturdy polyurethane pink-coloured curtains to provide the occupants with some privacy.

The house has been renamed the Prospidnick Pink House and it has been doing a roaring trade.  There has been a continuous stream of gay nudist tourists from around the world with some coming from as far away as Sidmouth.

Then last week the day came when Reginald and Mavis Pollock (both 33 and missionaries) rapped loudly on the door and asked for a room, which brought screeches of dismay from the outraged gays within.

Averting their eyes from the strange sights behind the door and declaiming in loud voices fortified by unshakeable righteousness, Reginald and Mavis demanded the right to be admitted as guests to the B&B.

They unashamedly declared that they wished to enter so that they might therein pursue their advocacy of the missionary position.

The two Rons flatly refused and, following many a bitter exchange, 5 minutes later Inspector Drustan Thaddeus Angove of the Relubbus Police appeared on the scene.

Inspector Angove, a much-feared detective and noted dwarf, took in the situation at a glance.  On seeing so many men in a state of undress, his practised eye told him the he needed re-inforcements.

In next to no time nine constables appeared, all armed with truncheons, which caused no end of excitement and delight within the house.

After some consideration, Inspector Angove led Reginald and Mavis away (still steadfastly averting their eyes), since, in his judgement, their attempt to gain entry to the renowned Pink House was a calculated provocation.

We shall be following any further developments in this case.

TAI CHI CAN HELP KEEP YOU REGULAR!!

Gladys Nicholls (108) invites you and all other seniors to join her Tai Chi class in the Drift community centre on Tuesday evenings at 10.30 pm.

Having been instructed in this ancient art by no less a personage than "Chinky" Penhaligon of the Dung Po Golden Junk Restaurant in Penzance, Gladys is now ready to pass on her knowledge to pensioners in West Penwith.

Gladys swears by Tai Chi and her husband Gerald also swears a great deal.

The couple are passionate advocates of the generally restorative effects that Tai Chi has on the body and Gladys also maintains that it keeps her regular.

If you are thinking of joining but are not sure if you will be up to it, Gladys assures that all movements are slow, gentle and graceful and will not place any undue strain on the body.

She does, however, advise that dentures and any other artificial body pieces are removed before each session.  If you do hand over your dentures, you can be sure that you will get a pair back at the end of the session.

A thirty minutes session costs just £75, so hurry along.  There is a coach collection service for seniors between Drift and Relubbus.

SCILLIES - AMBITIOUS TUNNEL PLAN A SUCCESS!!

The tangled debates about the practicalities of the connections between the Scilly Isles and the Cornish mainland have been transformed by the shock announcement from local hero entrepreneur, R C Oates (98), that he is a digging a road tunnel to connect Relubbus directly to the Scilly Isle of St Agnes.

Oates is pictured here in full Cornish miner's kit, sporting a cigar obtained at a most reasonable price from Mr Scobie's fashionable Smoking Perquisites Emporium in Penzance.

The connection, which is already all but completed - having, for commercial reasons, been constructed in total secrecy - will provide a 6 lane motorway from Tregembo Hill in Greater Relubbus which will emerge at the Turks Head, Old Lane, on the teeming island of St Agnes.

Asked why he did not choose to route his connection to one of the bigger islands such as St Mary's, Tresco or St Martin's, Oates, the enigmatic mega-multibillionnaire recluse, who likes to be known simply as "RC", stated that, since his mother is called Agnes, there could be not other possible destination.

The tunnel - and road - is being built by forty stout and trusty Cornish hard rock miners shown here on the left.

Most unusually, the lads have started their tunnel at the mid-point and are working out from there to the two end points - Relubbus and St Agnes.

The more mentally agile of our readers will have immediately noticed that the tunnel has been commenced - well out to sea - under the seabed.

Mr Oates stated, "I dunnit on perpose so no one dknaw about un till I was goodun ready!"

The chief commissioning engineers, Billy and Tommy Thomas, speaking with the benefit of their fourth pints from their HQ in the Swordfish Inn in Newlyn, stated, "Course we adda few problems like.Gettin they boys out there in the firss place and riggin up the ladder in they airtight barrels to git down the seabed wadden easy - 'specially as Mr Oates ave said we gotta do un on the quiet!"

However, human ingenuity has once more triumphed over natural obstacles and the tunnel - together with its full 6 lane motorway with a canal alongside capable of taking a ship the size of the Scillonian - will be completed at the weekend.

An inspiration to the miners has been their very own 'pasty maid', Morwenna Pengelly, runner-up in last year's Marazion version of Countdown.

Morwenna (26) from Prospidnick is a nearly-qualified former trainee bicycle repairer, who believes that pasties are not only a source of good nutritious food but also an effective and fetching addition to the wardrobe of any fashion-conscious Cornish maid.

Morwenna learnt crimping at her mother's knee and proudly states that the men especially like the pasties that have kept their warmth by being kept closest to her body.  She says excitedly, "I duh walk roun and they boys duh  pluck off they pasties jes to see wass underneath.  They're sum cheeky, they are , they boys!"

The boys couldn't be happier.  They eat pasties for breakfast, croust, dinner, tea and supper and also eat an additional one as a snack, if they feel a bit peckish.  However, five or six pasties a day is nothing when you consider the work rate required to complete the tunnel, motorway and canal construction in just under three weeks.

The engineering feat (progress shown here on only day three!) is only achievable because of the high motivation generated by the huge rewards being offered by Mr Oates.  Each man receives £14 10s 9d per day, in addition to as many pasties as they can eat.  Furthermore, on completion, every man will receive a bonus payment of either a free brand new Reliant Robin Mk 2 SLX or a half price haircut plus manicure and pedicure at Shelley's of St Just.

Mr Oates is expecting to make a tidy sum from each car crossing on the toll motorway.  Journeys to the Scillies will cost 2s 6d per car, whilst the retun journey will cost £145.

The Scillonian - sailing along the canal - will have a much calmer journey than that often experienced on the surface of the sea.  Mr Oates is planning to make no charge for canal boat crossings in view of their reduced environmental impact.

The novel engineering project is likely to attract enormous interest from around the world, particularly at the weekend, when the men are expected to break through both at the Tregembo Hill and St Agnes ends of the tunnel.

Hotels from Land End right up as far as Truro are fully booked with TV and print journalists and with many thousands of the keen and curious members  of the public, who are waiting to see this new wonder of the world.

MOUNTAIN VIEW CALIFORNIA BEATS SALES TARGETS FOR THE ROUNDUP!!

The Relubbus Roundup is read by an eager public around the world.  Sales hot spots occur in places as varied as Vaduz in Liechtenstein, Punta Arenas in Tierra del Fuego, sunny Medvezhka in Russia and Warumungu in Australia.

However, nowhere achieves the astounding sales figures registered by our enthusiastic sales team in Mountain View, California.

The team, pictured left, consists of Bunty Wakfer (21), Tizzie Trembath (32), Bill Rosewarne (29), "Tubs" Blewett (28) and Daphne Angwin (27).

Together, they have managed to sell 45,000 copies of the Roundup in the last month alone, beating their target of 44,975 by an amazing 25!

The quintet of beauties has therefore won this month's sales prize of a 25%-off morning at Flambards, followed by a slap-up half-price meal at Highlane Fish and Chip shop in Hayle.
Well Done the Girls!!

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Lovingly crafted by Tamsin Behenna (56) of Boswergy and inspired by Vladimir Ilyich himself, these Lenin Chocolates are politically pure and can be eaten without reservation by Marxists, Leninists and even Trotskyites and Maoists.

They are also good for anyone - especially women - who might be on a diet, since they are the world's first chocolates that contain no chocolate and that are entirely fat-free.

Indeed, certified as calorie-free by the prestigious Prospidnick Institute, Tamsin's Lenin chocolates are made on the family dairy farm fresh every day and are sold in mini-buckets specially sealed to keep the freshness in.

Each mini-bucket contains 20 chocolates - or blobs - and, once the bucket has been opened, they must all be polished off quickly within, at most, 20 minutes, whilst making appropriate use of the peg and plastic glove provided.

A bucket of 20 chocolates  will cost as little as £50 for an eating experience your loved one will never forget!  Available at RC Oates Superstores and at all good shops.

Olive Opie - for dental hygiene the old-fashioned way!

Build-up of plaque is one of the arch-enemies of good dental health and there is a lot that you can do yourself to keep your teeth fresh and clean by, for example, regular brushing at least once or twice a year.

However, despite this rigorous attention, plaque can stiil build up and, before you know it, you could find yourself being measured up for a full set of balsa wood choppers!

But you needn't let it get this bad.  You simply have to make an appointment with Olive now and again and every trace of plaque will be removed from your teeth quickly and - almost - painlessly, using tried and tested old-fashioned methods.

Olive (pictured) uses only a carefully adapted wire brush and especially soft sandpaper to lift off the plaque without taking too much of the enamel off your teeth.  After the healing period, which normally takes no more than a few weeks, you will be able to flash your gleaming Hollywood-style white teeth at everybody!

Olive will come to perform her dental hygiene magic in the comfort of your own home or caravan.

Treatent costs just £150 per hour, plus VAT.  Call Sennen 567543.

What does your Pasty say about You?

Professor A J Tonkin (52) visiting lecturer at the Relubbus Institute of Psychology has just published a thrilling new book, which is set to take the whole of the Cornish world by storm.

"What does your Pasty say about You?", published by Curyak Press of Tolcarne, contains insights gained by Professor Tonkin over 5 years of concentrated research into pasty-making.

His central theory is that a person's character is revealed and can be easily read  in the type of pasty they make.

Do you crimp on the left?  Then you are 'normal'.  Do you crimp on the top?  Then you are either a dangerous pervert, who ought to be locked up, or from Devon, in which case you have no business making pasties at all.  Do you crimp on the right?  Then you are probably a candidate for gender re-assignment.

These observations are the easy ones, but there are many hundreds more conclusions that can be drawn from how you make a pasty, the type of fat used, the mix of fat and flour, the proportion of turnick to tatee, the amount of onion, the cut and amount of meat and so on.

Beyond that, there is another set of conclusions that can be drawn from how you actually eat a pasty.

This 600 page tome is worth every penny of the £98 cover price and goes on sale tomorrow in the book section of all WG Trevaskis stores.  Interested?  The hurry along to get your copy.  These books are expected to sell quicker than hot pasties!

OPIE FINDS OIL!

Colonel Zennor P. Opie (57), celebrated Relubbus military man, explorer, tracker and noted animal and human scatologist, is in the news yet again after his return from a successful expedition to the hitherto unexplored and much feared Segh (or Sygh; spellings vary depending on the Kernewek orthography used. Ed.) desert,  north east of Relubbus.  He brings with him astounding news of huge oil finds.

Opie's unorthodox attitudes have led to his growing notoriety throughout his prestigious career.  It all started very young.

As a very young boy, he took a rapid dislike to his left leg.  With an early display of the kind of resolve which was to make him famous, he decided simply to ignore it for the rest of his life.  Holding it up at bended knee, he had paid no further attention to it ever since, much preferring to hop everywhere, thereby earning the nickname 'Oppy' Opie.

This preference for hopping did not disadvantage him in any way.  At school, he regularly won various races from the 100 yards sprint right through to the marathon, all achieved by his dogged and highly spirited hopping on his ever more powerful right leg.

'Oppy's unusual talents have led him to develop other innovative preoccupations, some of which have found enormous and grateful resonance within an appreciative Relubbus public.

A primary example of this can be found in the Sancreed Semaphore Male Voice Choir.  This fine body of men performs well-known songs - in complete and utter silence - using just semaphore to spell out the words. 

'Oppy proudly leads the choir positioned right at the front using his distinctive baritone semaphore style.  Occasionally he stops 'singing' in order to turn to conduct the choir.

The Semaphore Choir has performed all over Relubbus and has even been booked to play at the St John's Hall in Penzance.

'Oppy is also responsible for leading Councillor Billy Spargo's personal bodyguard, which, as pictured here, is an all female squad recruited entirely in and around Prospidnick, where personal loyalty to Spargo is at its fanatical fiercest.

The 120 young ladies, who can apply their make-up in less than one hour, are all trained to kill.  At any one time, 12 of them are on duty to protect Councillor Spargo and to ensure his personal freshness.

Today, after an expedition lasting some 57 days, 'Oppy has emerged - alone - from the dreaded Segh desert.  All 65 of his support camels had sadly perished in the remorselessly parched desert and he was down to his last bottle of water, when his well-known frame was observed hopping - somewhat wearily - out from the sand.

His thrilling news - backed up by painstaking observations and photographic evidence - is that oil abounds in the Segh desert, in places actually forming pools  on the surface.  Experts have already analysed the initial evidence and believe that Relubbus might possess more than ten times the amount of oil found in Saudi Arabia.

Councillor Billy Spargo (109) was unavailable for comment, since he had gone to spend the week on the Maldives accompanied only by his entire corps of bodyguards.

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MARGO SPARGO CARGO EMBARGO!!

Trade between the People's Republic of China and Greater Relubbus is worth many hundreds of billions of pounds and is one of the mainstays of the global economic system.

 It is thus with the greatest shock that financial markets around the world have registered the news that China has imposed an embargo on the unloading of the cargo of the 555th ship of the Relubbus Containerships International Corporation (RCIC).

The RCIC ship in question is the Margo Spargo, named after the 12th, now sadly long deceased, wife of the Greater Relubbus Urban Council (GRUC) Leader Billy Spargo.

Mrs Spargo the 12th died 35 years ago in a mysterious nocturnal incident in Prospidnick involving a souped-up Ford Anglia, 52 bottles of Babycham, her pet ferret and a stout granite wall.

Readers with a long memory will recall the allegations of vote-rigging, which attached to Mrs Spargo's receiving the third place prize in the 1963 All-Penzance Miss Toilet Attendant of the Year competition.

The vessel Margo Spargo is the pride of the RCIC fleet, which is owned 25% each by world famous Relubbus business magnates and bitter rivals R.C. Oates and W.G. Trevaskis.

The Margo Spargo contains a cargo of freshly made, but frozen, pasties and oggs puddens destined for distribution across China.  Two ships arrive each week, sailing direct from Hayle to Shanghai, to supply the seemingly inexhaustible hunger for Cornish fare, which is likened by some to a new opium-like addiction.

The reason for this embargo by the Chinese government is believed to stem from the GRUC reluctance to share its advanced space technology with the Chinese.

The Cornish Space Institute, operating out of rooms at the Deep Sea Fishermen's Mission at Newlyn and led by Professor Tommie T. Thomas (pictured here in his favourite cowboy outfit presented to him by President George "Brains" Bush) has developed a new space travel technology, which is set to be the envy of the world.

The product of nearly three weeks of concentrated research by Professor Thomas (49) and his team has been the development and construction of the hitherto supersecret 'Properprober'.

This is a space travel machine which taps into and harnesses reversed black hole force to propel itself at speeds in excess of 106 times the speed of light.  Using this fabulous machine, Relubbus 'Propernauts' have already travelled to the edge of space and even peered over the edge.

Of course, this tremendous invention should still be secret.  However, it has emerged that a key project worker, Dr O.K. Okay, a former car mechanic at a well-known Penzance garage, has been slipping across to the Swordfish Inn, where he has fallen into conversation with the Chinese Ambassador to Relubbus, Mr Y.P. Lychee (52), who 'just happened to be passing'. 

It would appear that, having been plied with one beer too many, Dr Okay has spilled the contents of his mind, as well as of his stomach, into the receptive ear of this wily oriental diplomat.

The Chinese government then approached the GRUC Leader, Mr Billy Spargo (117) to ask if he would be willing to allow them to share in this technology.  Spargo flatly refused with the words "No, I bleddy aren't!"

The Chinese then promptly declared a trade embargo.  Councillor Spargo has summoned Mr Y.P. Lychee, the Chinese Ambassador (pictured) to the High Council Chamber in Boswedden Lane.

Meanwhile, the business world holds its breath and looks on fearfully. 

We will continue to report on developments as they occur.

MAGIC OF ROMAN RELUBBUS REVISITED

In our 15^th July 2007 issue, we published news to a flabbergasted world of the astounding discovery of a hitherto entirely secret and hidden Roman colony situated in the difficult and often impenetrable terrain that forms the southern border between Greater Relubbus and the rest of Kernow.

‘Mirabile dictu’, as the ancient Romans used to say, the colony had survived as a perfect enclave of ancient Roman language, culture and civilisation.

Since the discovery, there has been a controlled influx of curious tourists and a flourishing trade between Relubbus and its Roman neighbour, which now calls itself Urbs Relubbana.

We consequently felt that it was time to revisit the ‘Urbs’ to see what changes this contact with the modern world had brought about. We therefore despatched one of our ace reporters, Archilaus Tresidder (14), to find out.

Readers may well recall that Tresidder received the Annual Relubbus Budding Journalist Award (13-year-olds’ section) last year for his ground-breaking expose of necrophilia at Nathan Cock’s hugely popular Chapel of Rest at Prospidnick.

Tresidder is pictured here with Cock, who gallantly volunteered to have his picture taken with the young journalistic author of his undoing, prior to being led away by police.

Tresidder’s gripping Urbs Relubbana report follows:

My mother woke me at 8.30 am so that I could make an early start. I ate a hearty breakfast of hot and well-salted porridge to fortify myself for the day and then set off to engage the famously difficult countryside that marks the border between Relubbus and the Roman colony.

The border between Relubbus and Urbs Relubbana is patrolled on the Relubbus side by officers of the Greater Relubbus Urban Council (GRUC) Border Police and, on the Roman side, by members of the local Legionary force, still proudly wearing the uniform of the 2^nd Augusta.

On the Relubbus side of the border, in Farmer Treglown’s backfield, I was met by the strapping but cheery figure of WPC Loveday Tremain (26), whose name was familiar to me as she had come third in last year’s Nancledra Dogging Open.

She has asked me to use a photo from her passing out parade at the Prospidnick Police College, ”as my ‘air duh look good in that one!” However, here on border duty, WPC Tremain was dressed in standard combats on top of regulation cast iron, though pink, underwear.

WPC Tremain was largely complimentary about her new Roman neighbours, although she did warn me strongly about their fancy for chewing raw garlic cloves. She also told me to watch out for the strange fact that the women didn’t shave their legs, but that the men did.

Armed with this valuable information, I then pressed on through thick undergrowth, two streams, some marshland and then up through thick gorse until, emerging somewhat bedraggled, I found myself once more eyeing the strangely seductive figure of WPC Tremain. She said “I’ss easier if you duh take the new road they Romans ‘ave built – over there”.

I blushed with embarrassment and, though my clothing bore clear traces of my struggle with raw nature, I was thankful that mother’s purchase for me of short trousers that were longer than average had saved my knees from getting scratched. I brushed myself down and continued along the fine new recently constructed Roman road, which, straight as a die, cut through the countryside uncompromisingly.

I halted at a great stone archway where I was met by Marcus Quintus Clemo and his close friend and colleague, Marcus ‘Julia’ Jago.

The two had been sitting playing with one another, whilst waiting for me. It seemed that games were important to the Romans. A small crowd of Relubbus tourists on route for the colony had gathered to observe them.

As soon as I pulled out my camera, the two Romans frantically gesticulated that I should not photograph them. The photo on the left accordingly shows them as close as I could get to a ‘full frontal’, as we ace journalists call it.

As I moved nearer to the two border guards, WPC Tremain’s words resounded loudly in my head as I was met with a fierce blast of raw garlic that left me gasping. Wholly unaware of their halitotic handicap, the two Romans smiled broadly, revealing just how much damage can be done if you do not visit your dentist regularly.

Marcus spoke: “Salve! Quod facisne iucundus puer in hic loco?” After ten minutes of mutual grinning in pungently garlic-perfumed air whilst I looked this up, I realised to my horror that he had said “What’s a nice boy like you doing in a place like this?”

Amidst bluster and fluster, I withdrew and plunged on down the road towards the ‘Urbs’, having quickly registered that WPC Tremain had indeed been correct about these men shaving their legs. What would mother think?

My next photo captures a scene in the main Forum, which encapsulates much of the change that has occurred.

Truly, the Urbs has become a tremendous success with tourists. Comfortable chariots – like those in the picture – convey the visitor all around town.

However, this success has taken its toll. Witness the cigarette that driver Publius (who now likes to be known as ‘Derek’) is smoking. There is not a domus in the Urbs that does not now have a television set. 95% of the population over the age of 6 has taken up smoking and gets through a couple of packets of cigarettes a day. The abacus has been discarded for the calculator and change is the order of the day.

Unfortunately, I could not stay any longer, as I would have been home late for my tea, which mother would not have liked. I knew that I would already be in her bad books because of the state of my clothes and so, after taking this cracking shot of a smoking Publius, I scuttled off back home, musing on the merits of this mixing of cultures and, drawing on my school Latin, wondered “Cui bono?”-- “to whose benefit would it be?"

Archilaus Tresidderus (14)

RELUBBUS MAIDS TRIUMPH

Relubbus girls thrash Eton boys!

A delighted crowd witnessed the thrashing on Saturday of the Eton Boys’ Under 15s football team by the Under 15s Hockey team from the Relubbus Posh Maids School (known locally as the RPM school) .

The Posh Maids (fees at the RPM school are £72,499 per term!) laid into the visitors from Eton right from the start. Since the Eton toffs couldn’t touch the girls (they are girls, after all), the girls were able to lay into the unprotected pampered flesh of the toffs with their specially sharpened steel hockey sticks.

The match was over in about 7 minutes. One toff – badly damaged - did survive, but he too perished on the way to the American Hospital at Prospidnick.

The victorious girls’ team members, as pictured here from left to right and from the top, are:

Rowena Pascoe, Morwenna Tresidder, Loveday Rosewarne, Angela Addicoat, Lamorna Andrewartha, Lowena Poldhu, Sara Curnow, Demelza Borlase, Ysella Kenidjack, Kerensa Roseudgeon and Wenna Tremaine.




The losing side of toffs from Eton are shown here pictured before the match, again from left to right from the top:

Saggy Plopp, Plengwin Quench, Benthwirt Elkplot, Flenny Bollop, Bleck Flunge, Wilp Stumpley, Ipney Nagbolt, Skelky Dackpole, Ticky Dollop, Glippy Moglit and Argrap Meefdew.


RPM team captain, Lamorna Andrewartha, who would like to become a children’s nurse, was short of breath after her exertions and, wiping her face clear of blood spilled from four of the toffs as a result of her ‘jugular’ special, enthusiastically declared “That was the best match ever – pity they didn’t last long! We all look forward to the rematch – we’re hoping to get the time down to below 6 minutes !”

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Don't Miss the Annual Long Rock Children’s Animal Circus!

The Annual Animal Circus in Long Rock is held once again in Farmer Pender’s back field. It is run for children by children, but its location is generously provided by Farmer Ben Pender for a mere 98% of the takings.

Five boys from Newlyn with ‘gladiator lobsters’, calling themselves “The Lighthouse boys”, have been banned this year, as they tried to get out of paying by threatening to parade outside the Pender farm calling out “Gender Bender Pender is a Perve”.

Farmer Pender – pictured left, a good sport who has in his own words 'suffered the investigations with, as yet, no convictions', was unwilling to yield to such crude pressure.

There are seven acts on display:

Terry Tonkin with Nigel, his talking tadpole.

Wilma Addicoat and her musical dog ‘Poop’.

Linda Polkinghorne and ‘Bash’, her bouncing tortoise.

The Colinsey gang with ‘Claws’ the cat performing with some mice.

Betty Boase and “Stiffie”, the diving budgie.

Billy Peninula and his frying ants (“Act only available in sunlight – don’t touch my magnifying glass!”)

Dickie Angwin and his “Pin the donkey’s tail back on again”. Warning - the donkey does kick!!

ENTRANCE FEE per child : 50 pence

EUROVISION 2009 - YOUR COUNTRY NEEDS YOU!

As the winter winds lose their bite and the days grow longer, the snowdrops give way to daffodils and gradually thoughts turn to spring and to ... Eurovision.

The Roundup proudly presents a review of the main contestants for this prestigious European prize and reveals that the customary vote-rigging is well under way and is so far advanced that the eventual winner can already be announced.

But first things first – the contestants. We review the principal contenders for the title in this year’s unique contest, in which everyone has to sing their own lyrics to the same tune – “Goin' up Camborne ‘Ill" - played by the Marazion massed triangle band. Each contestant is shown with the lyrics he/she has chosen.

BELGIUM

Heartthrob Alternative Health Practitioner, Philippe Knabberknackers (24) ‘walked’ the selection process in Belgium.

Despite not even bothering to turn up for the contest, as he had had a few bevvies too many the night before, Philippe won ten of the thirteen votes cast to ‘walk away’ with the Belgian nomination.

As can be seen from the photo, he has now thrown all his energies into coming up with a winning interpretation of his song.

His fan base extends beyond Belgium, because of his appearance in ‘special interest films’ and he appears to have a solid supporter base in the Baltic States and in other former republics of the former USSR.

Lyrics: Who kicked the budgie into my soup?

LATVIA

Dace (formerly Valdis) Vanags (18) was a man for the first forty-three of her years. After several operations at the Riga Veterinary Hospital, she emerged as a mouth-wateringly beautiful 18 year old girl with – still – an amazing bass voice!

In her former existence as Valdis, she was an experienced and highly capable stevedore. Now she has emerged as a beauty therapist, who is able to serenade her female clients in a rich deep bass voice that seems beguilingly out of character with the lissome female creature one sees before one.

Lyrics: Old Man River, Dat old man River

FRANCE

Mademoiselle Frou-Frou Lebecque (formerly Mimi Letoucque) (23) received a vote of 83 million (out of a population of 61.5 million) to steal the French nomination, despite there being no other contestants.

Frou-frou is wildly popular with the whole of the French public – apart from Carla Bruni, the new wife of French President Nicholas Teacosy.

Bruni is aid to have been very upset to have found a full length picture of Frou Frou in President Teacosy’s shower room.

Lyrics: Camptown Races

ISRAEL AND NEW ZEALAND

Although being a fair distance by aeroplane from Europe, Israel has traditionally been allowed to take part in Eurovision for many reasons, which are, of course, obvious to anyone from Tel Aviv.

Shlomo ben David (29) has been selected from 20,000 contestants to represent the Israeli republic.

Shlomo is a New Zealander, but, as he converted to Judaism last month and received an Israeli passport last week, he is now able to represent both countries, as he announces with his customary wayward smile.

Lyrics: Don’t Dilly Dally (My Old man said "Follow the Van")

ITALY

The Cheeky Girls, Bella Ragazza and her cousin, Pasta Verde, are both 17 and delighted to represent their country.

As Bella gushingly and fluently declared, “Issa wonderful, Ciao, Grazie, Prego! I luvva you!”

Both girls attend the Italia Disconti Stage school, where they spend 2 hours a day learning to speak English “Likeaa they do inna Eastenders, allrighta maita!”, said Pasta showing off.

They also focus a great deal on song, dance and theatre skills. Amazingly, the girls will be singing their song whilst performing an “Inverted Irish Dance” - i.e. on their hands!

Lyrics: There’s an Old Mill By the Stream

SWEDEN

The schoolgirl troupe selected by the Swedes (called "They Swedish maids") is tipped as a hot favourite to win the contest. They are believed to have secured financial backing from two well known Cornish business magnates – the fabulously rich Messrs Trevaskis and Oates – which has enabled them to buy their eye-catchingly snazzy costumes, the skirts of which they rip off midway through the song in Mexican wave style.

In return for the generous backing (believed to be in excess of £7.50 each!), the girls have, of course, signed over all profits they may ever make in their lives and have committed to appear every night for the next ten years at the Relubbus Hippodrome.

Lyrics: Hitler, 'e only 'ad one ball!!

HAYLE

The People’s Soviet Socialist Republic of Hayle is represented by three young folk, who work at the experimental Hayle Nuclear Power Station – they are from left to right Norris, Doris and Boris and sing together under the name “Endebee”.

The trio, all 19 years old, have caused some controversy by inserting words which sound like “embargo Spargo!” into their song.

This has given rise to renewed frictions in the already frayed diplomatic relations between Relubbus, led by 108-year-old Council Chairman Spargo, and the People’s Republic of Hayle, led by failed comb-over victim and mad dictator Ventongimps (49).

Lyrics: Kiss me goodnight, Sergeant-Major

RELUBBUS

The runaway absolute favourite for the contest is the 16-year-old, 16 stone singing prodigy from Prospidnick, known to his Mum as ‘git plum boy’ and known to his huge Relubbus fan base as ‘Gunna Singunaree’.

His off-stage name is Leonard Landshark and young Landshark has, despite his young years, already twice topped the Relubbus charts with his versions of “Do ye ken John Peel” and “My Boy Willie”, both of which sold over ten copies in only 12 weeks.

Young Landshark has huge stage presence (and a huge frame) and seems to exert a magnetic pull over his audiences, even when they number more than 14.

Landshark’s voice is breaking and it may just be the sheer unpredictability of his sound that is the secret of his success. Bookies have stopped taking bets on Landshark, because he is now commonly regarded as a sure-fire winner.

Experts feel that his highly-rated chances might be related to the fact that, alone amongst the contestants, his lyrics do fit the music.

Lyrics: Goin’ up Camborne ‘Ill

The Roundup will be following the further development of this story for the benefit of the thousands of our readers around the world who 'live for Eurovision'.