MOUNTS BAY - SHOULD TOURISTS BE BANNED?

Mounts Bay has been a magnet for tourists right back to distant Phoenician times, when it featured as the most popular destination on Amilcar's slave-driven Bireme Tours in 700 BC (see picture).

Tired of the relentlessly hot and sunny Mediterranean climate, paying guests were only too thrilled to be able to enter the magic world of West Penwith washed, as it all too often is, by sparkling pelting raindrops and super-cooled by many a blasting breeze.

A round trip from Sidon to Marazion could be had for as little as 50 shekels (on a rather slow 4-slave vessel) or as much as 750 shekels for a private outside cabin aboard a fast 150-slave vessel.

Tin and copper trinkets were very popular with the Phoenician tourists and remain so to this day with the likes of Bob and Betty from Berbigum.

For centuries Mounts Bay has been a dear home to local folk.  Fishermen have used it to sail out to fish and, for a long while, farmers have collected its seaweed to enhance the already naturally impressive fertility of the soil (see picture).

In latter years, lovers of natural beauty have flocked to its shores to feast their eyes on its shimmering presence and have vied with one another with varying degrees of success to capture its illusive essence in words and pictures.

Now there is a growingly loud crowd (the accepted definition of which, in some quarters, is three) calling for a total ban on tourism in the Mounts Bay area and in West Penwith as a whole, if not the whole of Cornwall.

We spoke to the people involved.

Mr Jasper Jago (24) is a psychiatric nurse from the teeming hamlet of Bojewyan.  He claims that tourists make him so depresed that lithium "dudden do it fer me no more!"

He is the first depressive to take granite pills, procured from the hardest of hard core sources at Lamorna Cove, where, in Mr Jago's words, "the stuff is jes' lyin' roun' waiting fer tuh be picked up!"

Since he started taking his specially carved 1 oz daily granite pills some fifteen months or so, Mr Jago has put on 2 stones in weight.

Jasper claims that he now feels more upbeat about life, but that the tourists must still go, "Emmets 'ere, emmets there, emmets bleddy evreewhere.  They duh drive me spare, they do - an' me a nurse, I aren't no patient!"

Madron Tregenza is a 36-year-old entrepreneur who has made a modest fortune from his business of selling lightly washed pre-owned underwear door to door.  This local businessman believes that Cornwall's future depends upon the development of new export industries. 

He believes that tourists and "they bleddy secundomers" should be stopped at the border or charged a punitive levy of £55,000 per breath taken of Cornish air.

The type of export industry he favours is "one o' they smuckin' fart ones like a Iphone, wot duh do yer benefits claims automatic.  Nuther one could be a lighter plastic AK 47, wot can shoot deown another planet!"  Mr Tregenza is working on the development of such products at weekends.

The third person in the crowd is herself an American tourist, staying in a luxury caravan with two doors at Sennen Cove - a Ms Sarah Plain.

Ms Plain claims to have been a candidate for the Vice Presidency of the Gotham City Creationists' Tennis Club and insists that she comes from the same land as Superman.  She admits that Catwoman would also lay claim to a similar provenance, but dismisses the latter as a 'bitch'.  She adds "I'm a reeeal intelligent person and I can see Russia from my window, even in my caravan!"

Annoyed by the presence of so many tourists, she believes that, if all the others are got rid of, she will have more space for herself on the beach.  She therefore lends her full support to Jasper and Madron's campaign.

The Roundup would like to know what you think of the proposal that Mounts Bay, and indeed the whole of Cornwall, should be closed off to all tourists and 'sekundomers'.

Let us know and the most impressive answer (to be submitted in not less than 40,000 words of Unified Cornish) will win the author their very own brand new LELANT Lean-To (worth £13,350, shown here with the door left open for ventilation after use).

Help will also be given with the digging of the pit.

OBITUARY

CAPITAINE ARISTIDE ABSINTHE KNEE-TREMBLAY
SOLDIER, EXPLORER, RACONTEUR, POET

Capitaine Aristide Absinthe Knee-Tremblay has died, at Tresoddit, his clifftop home in St Buryan, aged 116.

Knee-Tremblay was born in Bal-Trap, a tiny village to the south-west of Paris, on February 30th, 1838. In later years he always claimed to be the lovechild of Napoleon III, but local tradition insists that he was, in fact, the illegitimate son of the local priest and a particularly attractive but slatternly ewe named Genevieve.

As a young man, Knee-Tremblay acquired a reputation as a womaniser, duellist, and gambler. When challenged by the husbands and lovers of his conquests to "choose his weapon", he would invariably select the classical tarte à la crème, in the use of which he was an adept.

Knee-Tremblay published his first volume of verse, Premiers Oeuvres, at the tender age of thirty-eight. This juvenile work, though heavily influenced by Rimbaud and Baudelaire, was nonetheless warmly praised by Stéphane Mallarmé. In later years, Yeats described its influence on his own early work as "bollocks".

But it was in World War II that Knee-Tremblay came to the attention of the British. Following the fall of France, he rowed across the Channel in an open boat and joined De Gaulle's Free French forces in Accrington.

In 1944 Knee-Tremblay was seconded to the 1st Highland Foot and Mouth, in the capacity of French interpreter. It was his job to co-ordinate joint operations between the 1st Highland and the Maquis, after D Day. Unfortunately, Knee-Tremblay's grasp of Scots patois was not as great as his grasp of standard English, and he was apt to make mistakes. It was such a misunderstanding that led to the Maquis' courageous but ultimately doomed attack on the Tunnel of Love at the Lille funfair. Excusing the fiasco after the war, Knee-Tremblay was apt to say that, after all, it was only a sideshow.

After the war, Knee-Tremblay gave up soldiering to pursue his other great interest -- exploration. In five years he visited some of the most remote regions on earth, including the then largely unexplored Amazonian rainforest, central Mongolia, and West Penwith. In the latter region he is credited with being the first modern European to traverse the ancient coastal track from Lamorna to Porthgwarra. The public acclaim that greeted this achievement convinced the Frenchman that he should make his home in Cornwall.

In his later years Knee-Tremblay became a familiar figure in West Cornwall, where he was known affectionately as "that Froggie geezer".

Knee-Tremblay leaves a wife, Mathilde Clothilde, and a son, Absinthe Jnr.

RELUBBUS TO HOST BAYREUTH WAGNERFEST!!

By Literary and Theatre Correspondent Emily Bindweed

For the first time in its history, the annual Wagner festival traditionally held at Bayreuth in Germany is to be held in Cornwall -- in fact, in Relubbus. Two productions -- Tristan und Isolde and Der fliegende Holländer (The Flying Dutchman) -- are to be staged in Relubbus.

Speaking at the Panopticon theatre in Boswedden Lane yesterday, the director of the Bayreuth Festspielhaus, Herr Doktor Hans Flick, was enthusiastic about the move:

"Cornwall is the natural place in which to stage Tristan und Isolde. After all, this greatest of European love stories is set here, and it will be a privilege for us to bring the opera back to its roots.

"And our Cornish production of Der fliegende Holländer will be the greatest ever staged! We are going to put it on, at night, at the Minack theatre, on the cliffs above Porthcurno. However, our "killer" ingredient is that we shall wait for a storm force 12 -- hurricane force -- before staging the opera. And, at the climax of the production, we shall have a three-masted "tall ship", with sails torn, be buffeted by the 60 foot waves towards the terrible granite cliffs.

The Minack theatre at night

"Unfortunately, everyone is bound by Health and Safety regulations these days. However, by employing only a skeleton crew of experienced sailors we hope to keep loss of life to a minimum. We shall, of course, have a helicopter from RNAS Culdrose standing by (assuming it is able to fly in these conditions)."

Herr Flick went on to say that it was a little known fact that Richard Wagner visited Cornwall in his youth, as a young merchant seaman on the schooner Holländer. He was wrecked in ferocious seas off Lamorna, rescued by breeches-buoy, and taken to Newlyn, where he met and fell in love with local girl "Shingles" Bodinnar. It was this experience that was his inspiration in writing Der fliegende Holländer.

Richard Wagner as a young merchant seaman

OUTRAGE OVER COST OF NEW LAMORNA BUS SHELTER!!

Council Leader Accused of Condoning "Unjustifiable Expense"
By Planning Correspondent Rendell Janner

Yesterday's meeting of the Greater Relubbus Urban District Council (GRUC) was the scene of vitriolic exchanges between Councillor Pascoe Trembath and Council Leader Billy Spargo, as the former accused the latter of condoning reckless spending in the case of the new Lamorna Cove bus shelter, pictured below.

The new shelter cost some £24.5 million and took two years to construct. It is highly ornate and accordingly somewhat different from the usual Western National bus shelter.

Mr Spargo stated forcefully that the structure would add to the appeal of Lamorna Cove and that its construction had kept good Cornishmen in employment over the two year period.

Mr Spargo also pointed out that the construction company concerned was a start-up company -- Relubbus Erections -- run by two Relubbus boys just out of school, one being the nephew of Mr Spargo's wife. How much more Cornish could one get than that?

It is not only the outside of the building that is so highly ornate. Inside too, it is a delight to the eye: the interior, which was separately priced, cost an additional £24.5 million.

The shelter, which can accommodate a queue of some 400, has a strong religious theme. We show here the corner of the building which houses the high altar. The shelter will be manned by two priests, who will hold services and take confession whilst passengers wait for the once-weekly bus service to Penzance to arrive.

Councillor Trembath worked himself up to a fit of fury as he spat out one "bleddy" after another in righteous indignation over the level of expenditure.

Councillor Spargo, a wily veteran of angry exchanges in the chamber, himself grew visibly more and more annoyed by the high-pitched squealing emanating from his Council colleague. But then, like an elephant demolishing a beetle with a deliberate plodding foot, he called out to Councillor Trembath what must be the ultimate put-down, "Asshole, you duh think you're so smuckin' fart!"

As the council chamber dissolved into a wash of helpless laughter at this display of original wit, the crestfallen Trembath picked himself up from his chair and silently dragged himself from the chamber -- a defeated man.

Issue 9, 13th August 2007

EXCLUSIVE: SPARGO AND MADAME SARKOZY IN SECRET LOVE TRYST!
By Political Correspondent Rendell Janner

Elysee watchers have been perplexed by the froideur that characterises the relationship between the new French President, Nicholas Sarkozy, and his wife Cecilia (25). At the election of the new President there should have been a new era at the Elysee, presided over by the President’s glamorous wife, Cecilia (34).

Pictured here in a photo that captures the smouldering beauty of this sensual woman, and which reflects her gypsy and Spanish descent, Cecilia (42) has kept the French and international press guessing as to her intentions.

The Roundup can now reveal the truth behind the reticence of Mme Sarkozy (21) to play "President’s wife" at the Elysee.

Cecilia (52) has been spotted in Lamorna Cove, where she has been sharing a cottage with outspoken firebrand GRUC Councillor Billy Spargo. Mr Spargo (78), who has never married, has been romantically linked with a number of women, boys, and indeed animals over recent years. However, it would seem that this stalwart of the GRUC has truly met his heart’s desire in Mme Sarkozy (49). The couple are even said to be planning to move into a plush flat together on the prestigious Gwavas Estate overlooking Mount's Bay. During a quiet meal "a deux" at the Navy Inn in Penzance, they were overheard discussing having children together.

Mr Spargo (78) has taken to wearing a heavy disguise (seen on the left) in an attempt to shake off the international press -- an attempt in which he has been successful. However, he could not shake off the terriers of the Relubbus press-photographer corps.

The French President is said to be absolutely distraught at the loss of his wife to the Relubbus political leader. However, given the enormous diplomatic weight that Relubbus carries internationally, the French Republic and its President have had to smile and accept the loss of this most beautiful woman (43) to the superior attractions of Spargo and Relubbus. C’est la vie, Sarkozy!


EXCLUSIVE: US TO BECOME PART OF RELUBBUS!
By Political Correspondent Rendell Janner

American society is in meltdown. The incumbent President, George Bush the Little, has lower approval ratings than any other President ever. According to surveys, the average American would be happier having tea with a chimp than with the President -- despite the comfortingly strong physical resemblance between the two.

If you are poor in America, you can’t afford to be sick -- that is a privilege reserved for the rich and insured. This is just one of the many divisions that epitomise the social geography of a once-great land.

When the White Man came to North America, he found an indigenous people who were divided into tribes. New tribes now populate this vast land of different time zones, the difference being that now it is possible to be a member of more than one tribe at the same time. To quote just two examples, there is the Evangelical tribe and the gun-owning National Rifle Association tribe. There are many other tribes, the listing of which is left by this writer to those anorak-wearers who derive pleasure from the task.

Suffice it to say that the USA is rift by divisions and that it is accordingly little wonder that the American public looks, with wistful and envious eyes, across the Atlantic to Relubbus.

A secret gathering of American leaders, past, present, and aspiring, has agreed to approach the Greater Relubbus Urban Council (GRUC) to seek direct rule from Relubbus. The Roundup can confirm that it has learnt from impeccable sources (Liza Penberthy, the cleaner at the GRUC offices) that Councillor Billy Spargo will shortly announce GRUC’s acceptance of the US government’s plea for direct rule from Relubbus.

The role of the American White House (shown left) will b e taken over by the Relubbus "Grey House" (shown right). The Grey House will deal with all American matters. It will have a new carpet and be fully repainted.

It is believed that the GRUC will be dedicating as many as four full-time personnel to the management of American affairs. There will be a specially dedicated telephone connection between Washington and Relubbus, for urgent calls only. For all other matters, there will be a monthly courier connection.

The US will disband all its embassies around the world and will instead be represented abroad by Relubbus diplomats, where there happen to be any. The US armed forces will also be disbanded and the 12th Relubbus Scout troop will, remotely, take over the defence of the USA.

Councillor Billy Spargo’s nephew, Archie Treglown, is to be despatched to Washington (via Hayle fishing boat) with two Relubbus policemen to bring about radical changes: the banning of guns, the redistribution of national wealth equally, the replacement of all churches with Cornish Methodist chapels, and various other steps to make the USA just like Relubbus.

Archie Treglown (pictured left) said last night, "I ebbent bin out of Cornwall ever, so I am lookin’ forward to goin’ ovver to Americee to sort out they yanks.

I aren’t expectin’ no problems, but jest in case anyone duh get a bit teasy, I am taking my cousin and ‘is mate. They are both policemen and they are as ‘ard as nails."

Councillor Spargo has stated that, whilst Relubbus has accepted the USA, it cannot assimilate any more countries at present. This is seen as a warning to Russia, which is believed to have also hoped for direct rule from Relubbus.


DISTRAUGHT BEVERLEY
By Social Affairs Correspondent Rendell Janner

The Roundup has long been known as a publication that fights for equity and for social and poetic justice. It is a reputation of which we are proud. We bring you the moving story of Beverley Tregear and ask, if you are touched by her tale, to send all cheques and donations to Sylvanus Penhaul at the Swordfish in Newlyn.

Beverley Tregear is only 19 years of age. A shy girl, she sits, wordless, on a bench between her two daughters, Tracey (4) on the left and Sharon (6) on her right. The silence is eerie and unsettling.

As she has done for days, Beverley sits and distractedly toys with her husband’s unwashed sock, as though this simple article of clothing could provide her with a link to a man she will never see again. A once powerful olfactory link, it is diminishing in potency day by day.

Her common-law husband, Nev, who was in the same class as her at school, was, for the precious time that they had together, the model of a devoted husband and father.

Nev and Bev were known amongst their many friends at the Soshul as a couple who liked to keep themselves to themselves. They were devoted to each other -- linked by a love so strong that you could almost see its sinews and smell its strength.

Nev, who sometimes worked part time as a rodent catcher with his mates, Trev and Kev, used to come home from the pub every night promptly at 10.45 pm. He never once vomited inside the house, taking particular care to do so on Mrs Hollis’ doorstep on the way home. Being a man of refinement, he almost always urinated the vomit away before he left so that Mrs Hollis was never aware of the religious observance of this practice.

Given this solid background, one cannot understand why he should leave his love nest in Newlyn to move in with Pendeen scrubber Linda Polglaze, pictured here (in miniature for decency’s sake) on the left. In financial straits and reduced to going to the fish ‘n’ chip shop once every two days, instead of every day, Bev now needs your help. Please give generously to keep this family afloat.

My Professor’s a chimp!
By Arts Correspondent Rendell Janner

The gloves were off in furious exchanges at the renowned Relubbus Chamber Music Conservatoire, when several of the students declared that their resident professor contributed nothing to their musical development and "was little better than a chimp" (this latter insult believed to be a cruel play on the professor’s name). The gentleman in question, Professor C. Himp, refused to be drawn into any discussion and remained typically tight-lipped.

Professor Himp, pictured here on the left in a photo taken yesterday, is clearly taken aback by these comments. He is believed to be deeply offended by such wholly unwarranted and unjustified comments from his students.

He has withdrawn from all teaching engagements and can be occasionally glimpsed in the Institute’s garden, perched on a tree, disconsolately munching a banana.

It is not known where this sorry saga leaves the prestigious Relubbus Conservatoire, but you can rely on the Roundup to keep you posted.
CITY PAGES
TREVASKIS TO LAUNCH HOSTILE BID FOR TESCO!
By City and Business Editor Rendell Janner

Financial market traders in Relubbus, London, and capitals around the world were yesterday all humming with the rumour that W.G. Trevaskis (35), the Relubbus mega-capitalist, is about to launch a hostile bid for Tesco.

Trevaskis, whose wealth is sometimes said to approach even that of RC Oates, has made a name for himself by growth through aggressive acquisition.

Pictured here on the left outside his flagship store in Relubbus, Trevaskis stunned corporate watchers with his daring raid on a Marazion grocery kiosk last year. The future of the kiosk, known locally as Enty Lydia’s, was plunged into doubt after the sudden and untimely demise of Miss Lydia Pollock (87) who owned and ran the kiosk with occasional help from schoolgirl Loveday Rescorla.

In a bold move, only weeks after Miss Pollock passed on, Trevaskis moved in with an offer to take over the kiosk and employ Miss Rescorla (18), who had left school to run and manage the kiosk in the interim period.

The financial world has had only a year to recover from this "revolution in retail" before Trevaskis now appears to be poised to make a bid for Tesco.

According to the Roundup's financial sources, it seems that the rumour trail leads back to a conversation overheard on a bus travelling from Penzance to Relubbus. Mrs Rosemary Hollis (76), who lives next door to Mr Trevaskis’ mother (Gracie) and who is therefore deemed to be "in the know", was overheard saying to a friend, "Gracie was telling me that ‘er boy is goin' to do a lotta buyin in Tesco’s." These few words were all it took to set traders in both Relubbus and London on a path of Tesco share acquisition in the hope of benefiting from a Trevaskis buyout.

The Roundup cornered Trevaskis next to the till in his Relubbus shop and asked him outright about his buying intentions in Tesco’s. Initially tight-lipped, Trevaskis would say nothing at all -- at first. However, he eventually cracked under the pressure of the relentless stare and virulent halitosis of one-eyed Roundup reporter "Grubber" Trevithen. A shame-faced Trevaskis then admitted that, "when we duh run owt o’ things ‘ere before the delivery van duh come, I duh go in Tesco’s and buy un all there."

The simplicity of this cover story from cool Trevaskis was not enough to halt the rumour machine and not enough to calm the markets. The Tesco board is said to be transfixed with panic and many thousands now fear for their jobs in a potentially ruthless shake-up that would mirror the take-over of Enty Lydia’s only last year.
ALL THIS WEEK AT THE RELUBBUS MULTIPLEX
THE LATEST BLOCKBUSTER!

CECIL B. DE MILLE'S
THE TEN COMMANDMENTS

starring CHARLTON HESTON, YUL BRYNNER, ANNE BAXTER, and EDWARD G. ROBINSON


1:30 p.m, 4:30 p.m., 7:30 p.m.








A MAGICAL NIGHT OF MAHLER AND BOTHERAS
From our Music Correspondent, Professor D. Behenna

Last Saturday at the Boscathnoe Arms in Relubbas, I had the great privilege of listening to Mahler’s 8th Symphony -- the "symphony of a thousand" -- played by the Relubbus Triangle and Kazoo quintet, led by Percy Botheras on lead triangle.

The genius of Mahler --as with that of all the greats -- relies upon the skilful interpretation of the musicians to become fully apparent to the audience. In this case, the hall was filled with the cognoscenti (my brother and myself), familiar with every note. And thus, before the performance began, there was a suspense you could touch and taste, as we waited to see what magic Botheras would invoke to bring this body of music alive to us.

There was no need for concern. In the hands of the master that is Botheras, this "body of music" truly sprang into mesmerising life with the first sonorous stroke of his triangle.

The novelty of this 90-minute-long performance was enhanced by the unusual fact that the remainder of the quintet were not called upon to play -- at all -- until the very last note -- a masterstroke indeed.

I can enlighten you further about this masterful musician. Botheras (pictured here on the left in joyful mid-stroke) is by day a milkman for the Kwop. He uses his time on the milkfloat to think out ever new interpretations of music for the triangle.

An even greater surprise for our readers, and especially those who have had the privilege of listening to the work of Mr Botheras, is that he has only been playing the triangle for 5 weeks.

This is an amazing fact, when one considers the dimensions of subtlety that unfold before us as he strikes his triangle with ever greater meaning, leading us further and deeper into entirely new realms of musical expression.

Readers will be able to hear Botheras for themselves next week when he attempts Tchaikovsky’s Fourth symphony in a solo performance at St John’s Hall in Penzance. You are advised to apply early for tickets!
AMERICAN - CORNISH PHRASEBOOK
By Linguistics Correspondent Rendell Janner

Now that the USA is to be assimilated into Relubbus, there will be a far greater need for Cornish/American dialogue and understanding. To assist in this process, the Roundup is pleased to provide some common phrases in both languages.

American Cornish

Cheese-eating surrender monkeys Froggies

Swell (as in "guy") Proper or Brev

May I use the bathroom? I’m goin’ out back’ouse

Please, can I get a latte? Gunnavcuptea arrus?

Would you like to look around? Wannabit geek do ee?

How much does this cost? Wassacosta? or Owmuchissa?

Two and a half million dollars !?%?*?%?!%?
The Roundup Reports From Dublin

Pictured on the left is the Roundup's newest recruit, Jan "Mad" Carew. (Jan is the one without the handbag.)

Regular readers may recall that Jan joined the Roundup in April as a Temporary Assistant Junior Cub Reporter (acting). Since then his progress has been startling. Following a string of scoops, Jan has already been promoted to Assistant Junior Cub Reporter (acting).

Jan's most recent assignment has been as the Roundup's Foreign Correspondent in Dublin. He is shown in that city, undertaking research into the gay and lesbian scene. We understand that he has also done extensive research into the Guinness brewing industry and the night life around Temple Bar. So far, the demands of his meticulous research have left him no time to file any actual stories. (We await his first report with keen anticipation! Ed.)

Inside the Saudi Embassy in Relubbus
By Diplomatic Correspondent Rendell Janner

At Number 4 Kenidjack Lane in Relubbus stand the two tents of the Saudi Arabian Embassy. The Roundup was invited inside to meet the inhabitants and have a look around. The main tent is shown in the photograph below, whilst the second tent is a much smaller "ablutions" tent, covering a simple hole in the ground and, next to it, a heap of Sun newspapers.

In the picture on the left we can see (in the middle of the photo) His Excellency Sheikh Mohammed wa Akbar wa al Akshar wa al Capone wa al Qaq wa al Wahabi. Given the length of his name, he asked us to simply call him "Terry".

Terry is a relaxed and amiable man, who has come to feel at home in Cornwall and who now greatly prefers the Cornish climate and way of life to that in his native Saudi Arabia. "At home, is hot, hot, dust and sand. Here is everything better, walahi, the women, the boys, and the goats, walahi bilahi. I like it also very much pasties and cream."

A police guard stands permanently outside the tent to protect His Excellency from the unwelcome attentions of some of the more extreme Methodist groupings, who take offence at the mere presence of even such a nominal Muslim as Terry in Cornwall. One such shadowy armed group, calling itself the Gwennap Gangsters, last week managed to lob horse dung into the ablutions tent, whilst Terry was inside on a "sitting". He said, "Walahi, I sit and stretch and yawn, then flap flies open under weight of thrown horse dung. What mouthful!"

Saudi Arabia is blessed with oil, which has made it rich. Now, the oil is beginning to run out and the country can see an end to its hitherto-guaranteed prosperity. In contrast, now that finds of the highest grade oil in unimaginable quantities have been located in the top field of Ernie Polkinghorne’s farm in Relubbus, the Greater Relubbus Urban Council has found yet another source of riches to add to the industrial and economic engines that power Relubbus on to the top of all global league tables.

Fumbling urgently with his favourite goat, which had trotted in, Terry went on to say, "We humble Ayrabs again -- not cause trouble. We lead quiet life in tent with woman, boy, goat and camel. We don’t bother, you don’t bother. We need protection of Relubbus against world. That why I here, Walahi Bilahi. I love you all".
LONELY HEARTS THAT YEARN FOR YOU!

If you are an unattached male and have been looking for someone you can take home to show your mother, then this is surely the chance that you have been waiting for!
Rebecca Tregurtha (23) is a delightful girl, who has led a quiet, indeed sheltered, life.

A receptionist for a double glazing firm, she lives at home in Hayle with "my Mum and Dad". She has her own car, a Morris Minor Traveller, which she calls "Tickles".

She is a young lady of unexpected talents. She can play "The flight of the Bumble Bee" on her mouth organ and has a strong liking for 19th century Russian Literature, which she reads in the original. For amusement, she likes tripping up blind people and, when the sun is strong enough, she likes "sizzling" ants with her magnifying glass. She has never had a boyfriend, but now believes the time is right and so she is looking for Mr Right! Is that you? If so, write to Box 5634.

Agnes Treveor (32) of Goldsithney is a young lady with love and motorbikes on her mind. She is a fully qualified bike mechanic and has lovingly built by hand the bike shown with her on the left. Orphaned and living -- on benefit -- alone in a caravan, without ever having had a relationship, she would like to meet a man who will share her interests and her life.

Agnes' interests are playing noughts and crosses, doing Latin crosswords and what she calls "insect games". This is her favourite activity and consists of the capture and dissection of live insects. If you fancy spending time with Agnes, write to Box 4781.

Ladies, if you ever dreamed of becoming a queen, then this your chance! By day, Ronald "Lumpy" Treglown (45) is a plumbing and heating engineer, with his own business based at the Upper Relubbus Business Park; but by night Lumpy is a King in his own right. He has declared the Nancledra shed in which he lives his "kingdom" and now seeks a queen to share his realm. His mother, Lydia, has run him up a nice set of kingly regalia, which are now his only non-working clothes.

Lumpy is a man of many parts and spends many a happy evening composing poetry in ancient Greek or in scalding one of his many pet budgerigars. (He has to keep replacing them as the scalding process tends to be fatal -- but "its fun while they last!")

Lumpy has had a number of women in the past and so has a particular wish list of attributes in his chosen queen. She should be a good pasty cook and not say much. ("Better if she’s dumb, really!" says Lumpy.) The shed is basic, so not much is required in terms of housekeeping skills, but she should keep the outside toilet clean. Water supply in the shed is dependent upon the munificence of heaven, so she should be able to look after the water butt, so Lumpy has enough for his monthly bath ("I wain’t get work, if I smell too ‘igh!").

Lumpy has a high requirement for physical love and so is hoping for strong interest -- soon. Impatient ladies should write in to Box 4982.

Billy Pender (spelt with a "P", not a "B", as Billy, most insistently maintains) is a 48-year-old double glazing fitter from Penalverne Estate in Penzance, who is wondering how love has come to pass him by. Known about town by his distinctive Rococco hairpiece, Billy lives at home with his widowed and very indulgent mother, Dot (76), who likes "to feed’un up".

Billy likes watching television with his mother and also enjoys bingo with her and her friends. Billy has not yet had a girlfriend but, thanks to the wonders of the internet, is already sure that he will be "into copropholia". He is immensely proud of his now extensive collection of bottled interesting smells collected from a variety of people and places over the years. Clearly, collecting from some people, such as the Pope, the Queen, and Baroness Thatcher has demanded great ingenuity and could have involved prosecution, if he had been caught. But Billy is nothing if not inventive and resourceful and has been able to make great use of his "cover" as a double glazing fitter.

If you are a young lady, who would like to enter this world of derring do and stand at Billy’s side, then Box 4529 is the one for you.

IN THE NEXT BUMPER ISSUE

• EXCLUSIVE: RELUBBUS TO BECOME 51st US STATE!

• ROMAN COLONY FOUND IN RELUBBUS!

• ANOTHER HIT FOR YOUNG WIVES' THEATRE GROUP!

• ANOTHER SUCCESS FOR RELUBBUS BALLET ACADEMY
  

• INSIDE THE PAPUA NEW GUINEA EMBASSY IN RELUBBUS

• Our socially-responsible "LONELY HEARTS" section
  

• And much, much more!

Issue 4, 4th June 2007

EXCLUSIVE: BLAIR SEEKS TOP JOB AT GRUC!

As many political commentators have suspected, Tony Blair, after giving up the role of Prime Minister is now making his play for the big job -- as globe-trotting Foreign Relations Councillor for Greater Relubbus Urban Council (GRUC).

The lucky job-holder is not only able to travel -- free -- all over Cornwall and sometimes outside, but also has the benefit of a fully-furnished council flat on Gwavas Estate, with a sea-view only 4 minutes walk away.

Blair’s wife, Cherie, has been seen in Andrewartha’s, Penzance, eyeing up furniture for the flat (paid for by the council). She has also been reported as applying for a job as an assistant solicitor at Harvey’s in Morrab Road. Furthermore, we are reliably informed that the Blairs’ older children have applied for part-time jobs in the area (at Morrisons and the Kwop); this in order to shore up Blair’s local credentials and thus improve his chances of getting the job, for which there is the stiffest local competition.

The bookies’ hot favourite is Jan Trevanion, a granite quarryman from New Mill. A very youthful and sprightly 112 years old, Mr Trevanion has been dutifully waiting for what is commonly viewed as one of the greatest sinecures in the gift of GRUC.

Pictured on the left looking quietly confident, Mr Trevanion tells the Roundup that he has nothing to fear from Blair. "Blair idn local, kent speak Cornish an 'ee abn’t got un ‘ope in ‘ell of taking my job. I was ‘ere first and I aren’t goin nowhere!"

Mr Trevanion’s cousin, Ezekiel, held the job for some twenty years before his untimely death last month at the age of 147. As many believe that you need Trevanion blood to do the job, there will be uproar locally if Blair gets it. The Roundup will be first with the news!

We’re watching you!

Lorry Botheras, "Fats" Hocking and Violet Tregonning (disguised) are expert sleuths employed by the Roundup to sniff out stories.

So whether you’re nattering on the St Just bus, having a bit of chat over the fence, or musing to yourself in the House of Office, just remember we’re on the case.

The Roundup never sleeps -- never misses!

ADVERTISEMENT FEATURE

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GAY RIGHTS -- Should we take them up?

This is a snapshot taken at the St Ives Lesbian and Gay Rights Festival. It depicts one man's, "Winker" Rosewarne’s, attempt to "come out". Winker (49), a single man who lives quietly with his mother, Agnes (93), took advantage of the Festival to reveal his true bent, much to the shock of both his mother and his employers, Andrewartha’s Dairies.

Mr Marchmount Andrewartha commented "Come Monday, that bender’s sacked. I aren’t 'avin 'ee deliver my milk no more."

This kind of outdated homophobic attitude is, of course, entirely unacceptable in the 21st century. Should the Roundup become a campaigning organ for benders’ rights? We want your views!
Local man (98) dies unexpectedly

The Roundup brings you the sad news of the unexpected death of Mr Singlong "Chinky" Hong, who passed away at the weekend. A much-loved local character, Mr Hong was always pleased to be known simply as Chinky to patrons of his restaurant "The Chopped Stick", the first Chinese restaurant to be opened in Penzance back in the 1960s.

He was often heard to say, with a chuckle, "Guiloes no pronounce my name right, betta I say I Chinky!". Chinky was married to the 1956 Miss Halsetown, Catherine Trembath. The couple had no children.

A memorial service will be held at Chapel St Methodist Church on Wednesday at 3.00pm. According to Chinky’s last wishes, no flowers should be sent, but instead donations should be made to the Penzance branch of the Chinese Opium Smokers’ society.
CELEBRITY NEWS
with Court and Social editor Elsie Rescorla
Tregavarah Operatic Society Star adopts Colinsey Road child

Priscilla Rodda, the much-loved opera diva from Tregavarah, has adopted at last!

After fruitless years of treatment at the Bojuthno Trudgen Institute for Artificial Insemination, Priscilla has adopted a child from Maureen Coke, of 31, Colinsey Road, Treneere.

The child, believed to be female, was offered up by Maureen for adoption by Priscilla in exchange for an undisclosed sum.

Planning news:

Lamorna to be used for storage of nuclear waste shock!

Greater Relubbus Urban Council (GRUC) has struck again with a shock piece of news for picturesque Lamorna (left).

GRUC has signed a £40 million per year deal with the Republic of Ukraine to accept nuclear waste, which will be stored in Lamorna harbour.

Councillor Archibald Coke was unrepentant and unapologetic in giving out the news. "I dunno what they people are complaining about. I’s only a bitta waste. We’ll putten under the sand in the harbour and put a fence up round un. Tourists can hire Geiger counters at 50p a time and do their own measurin'."
ADVERTISEMENT: PENBERTHY’S FUN-TIME FUNERALS!

Jes cos they’ve passed ovver, ‘s no cause to be sad
Just crack a few jokes and make good times from bad.
So they’re pushing up daisies and beginning to smell
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Yes, sombre, dour funeral ceremonies can be a thing of the past with Penberthy’s Fun-time Funerals. Xenophon Penberthy and his team of clowns are ready to help you say goodbye to your loved ones with a laugh and a smile.

Standard two clown versions cost £1,500, but the de luxe 6 clown special is available, during the summer only, for a mere £7,500.

Enquire also about our Firework Special Cremation service, called "The Blaster".

COURT REPORT
By Court Correspondent John Willie Polkinghorne, at Relubbus Magistrates' Court
Parish Council Chairman Terrorises Relubbus

Boy-racer Derek Hustle (63), the Chairman of Wellwhit Parish Council on the Isle of Wight, has been convicted of speeding.

In evidence, P.C. Obed Carne said:

"I clocked 'un 'urtlin' down Relubbus High Street at 32 mph. 'Ee was drivin' one-'anded, and wavin' a bottle of dry white wine in his other 'and. When 'ee got to the end of the street, 'ee did un 'and-brake turn and 'urtled back again. By this time, some ladies 'ad become 'istorical, an' 'Epzibah Pollock's prize sow, Gwennifyr, which 'ad been crossin' the street at the time, 'ad its litter then and there."

In mitigation, Hustle's solicitor explained that Hustle was not used to Relubbus roads. On the Isle of Wight, he said, people thought nothing of driving at speeds up to 35 mph. Just as the Isle of Man is known as "motor bike island", so the I.O.W. has been described as "racing car island", due to its proliferation of high-speed motorways.

Hustle (shown on the left leaving court disguised as a woman) asked for 17 other offences to be taken into account and was sentenced to 60 hours community service. He was also fined £3 and ordered to pay costs of £2.15.

After the hearing, Hustle's wife, Lynne (28), said: "Derek is not a bad man, but he is obsessed by speed."

Appropriately enough, it is understood that the Parish Council of Wellwhit has voted to defrock its erstwhile Chairman.

Proper Job - Cornish for the Non-Cornish
Gunnabuyunaree?
No, this is not an advertisement. This is the Relubbas Roundup’s way of introducing Cornish for the Non-Cornish.

Gunnabuyunaree? = "Are you considering the purchase of…..?"
I aren’t = "No, I am not."
Plumiza? = "Is he a little slow on the uptake?"
Queeriza? = "Is he gay?"
Bumdoee? = "Are you gay?"

Poetry Corner
Kenidjack Poetical, Literary and Philosophical Club
Annual Prize for Poetry in 2007
Awarded to Nellie Boskerris of Nanjizal, for her poem

I duh...

I duh do the washin on Mondays.
I duh go cleanin Tuesdays.
I duh like to stay ome Wednesdays, there’s plenty of cleanin ome to do.

I duh clean up in the back ‘ouse, make sure there’s plenty o newspaper.
Nuthin worse n bein stuck out there at 9 o’ clock on a winter’s eve, done your business, screamin for paper, but no one can ear you for the wind.

I duh gwup town regular for shoppin - buy n fresh and cook n fresh - thas me.

Thursdays I duh go old folks ome to elp out - git a bit a money for un too.
Fridays I duh do bakin and praps gwup town for a bitta geek roun.
Saturdays I’d put on my party frock and d’ go up bingo for a bit laugh.

I’d do these things every week. I’d like it like gat.

Enty May’s Problem Page
Readers are invited to seek Enty May’s benevolent guidance on sensitive matters of the heart, soul, body and human relations in general. In a previous issue, we stated that Enty May had a background of long term psychiatric care. We now understand that she herself received the care, rather than dispensing it. Since her words of advice are greatly valued, we do not regard past severe instability as an impediment to her role in this organ.

Question from Horton Nance (18) of Kelynack:

Dear Enty, I seen our neighbour, Dr Tonkin, mountin' a 'orse. I seenun do it more than once. Ee duh do it whenever 'ee duh think noone’s lookin.

Course I aren’t gunna tell the pleece. 'Owever, I was wundrin 'ow much blackmail money I could ask for to keep quiet?

Enty replies: Well, my bird, you done the right thing cummin' to me. If 'ee’s a doctor, 'ee d earn good money and you can sting 'im good and proper. Charge 'im £50 a month. Course, if you want me to keep quiet, you gotta give me ‘alf or I’ll publish this one in the Roundup.

Question from Liza Treloar (59) of Tregavarah:

Dear Enty, I duh 'ate my mother-in-law. 'Ow can I get rid of 'er fer keeps.

Enty replies: Well, my 'ansome, best way I can think of is t' bake she a nice pasty, but put plenty of rat poison innun. Put enough innun and she’ll be out your way.

Question from Elvia Cock (49) of Nanquidnick:

Dear Enty, My 'usbant says I am now ugly as sin and 'ee duh want to get rid o’ me. 'Ee 'ave now got a girlfrien' – some 22 year old scrubber 'ee picked up down Barn Club. What do I do?

Enty replies: Well, my sparrow, easiest thing fer you to do is t' get Liza Treloar to bake an extra rat poison pasty and giv’un to the scrubber and your 'usbant.

Question from Oliver Addicoat (16) of Heamoor:

Dear Enty, Everyone in my street 'ave got an ASBO ‘cept me. I feel I am lettin' the family down. Wonder what I can do?

Enty replies: Well, my cock, you’re some proper little man thinking about yer family name. Yer mother should be proud of 'ee.

If you want to get your own ASBO, you gotta' get noticed and that might be difficult with so many talented people in your street.

If I were you, I would concentrate on the old folks’ flats. Start off with breaking bottles o’ milk, smasha few windows and work yer way all the way up to explosives through the door. Best a luck, my ansome!

LONELY HEARTS
The Roundup recognises its social responsibilities towards the community it serves in many ways. One of these is by helping unattached folk to meet suitable partners. We hope that the following people will soon meet love’s young dream.

Josiah Tredwin, 39, ("I’m the handsome one on the right!") is a skilled grave-digger and night watchman who has devoted so much time to professional development that he -- like many another professional -- has had little time for meeting the right person.

A shy man with only a slight stammer, he prides himself on personal hygiene and takes a bath at least once every three months. Living alone with his bed-ridden father (87), he needs a woman to help him share the burdens of life.

He is looking for a similarly professional young woman (say a doctor of about 28 years of age) with whom he can share the burden of care for his father and to help him in his practical exploration of the Kama Sutra. "I would like for she to 'ave a car, 'cos I gotta gwin town on the bus at the moment". The authorities have asked us to add that Josiah is fully registered with the Criminal Records Bureau. BOX 4772.

Shazzer Tregwin (24) is a girl who likes to have fun. She lists her interests as Bingo, drinking, fish ‘n’ chips, the Lottery, "all the gossip magazines", experimental sex, shoes, handbags, chocolate, and lingerie.

A shelf-stacker from the Co-op in Newlyn, she would like to meet men, but not all at once -- "a girl’s gotta pace ‘erself!". Shazzer likes to receive "presents" from her men friends and lists £25 as the minimum. BOX 3765.

Archie Woolcock (45) is a local preacher, male voice choir member, and leader of a prayer group in Trelidden.

He runs a youth football team, and is a boy scout leader and Sunday School teacher. He has a job in the dry dock. An only child, he lives at home with his Mum and Dad.

Now that he has started wearing long trousers, he believes that it is time for him to meet girls, but it must be someone of whom his mother fully approves. His ideal woman would look like his Mum -- "a bit younger, of course!". BOX 2024.

IN THE NEXT BUMPER ISSUE

• Camilla: shocking revelations!
  

• Henry VIII reincarnated in Penzance!

• Latest on the police search for master Crows an Wra criminal Jimmy "Boots bag" Dash .


• Millionaire Rosudgeon recluse Jasper Behenna's search for a young bride: the truth behind the rumours.
  

• Local doctor in sex scandal!

• Leader of chart-topping St Buryan music combo unmasked!

• Bumper edition of our socially-responsible "Lonely Hearts" section.
  

• And much, much more!