Men seeking women
Old fart, 82 but not yet dead, seeks stunning blonde between 25 and 29, who will lavish love upon me. Must be solvent, as I aren’t. Tel 0905 446 4612
Young chapelgoer (32) seeks partner of whom mother would approve. Must be of child-bearing years, clean driving licence and no diseases. Tel 0905 449 7632
Sparkling, articulate, overweight male (45), own teeth and own van. Married but seeks discreet female partners for playing away. Tel 0905 662 8712
Women seeking men
Early 50s female only slightly deaf, bubbly attractive petite (3ft 2 ins tall), but sonorously flatulent seeks kind-hearted man with own car and similar affliction. Likes pub evenings, bingo and crosswords. Tel 0905 884 4523
Ludgvan female accountant (43) emerging from nasty divorce seeks fun-loving plumber with fondness for woodland animals. No sex, please! Tel 0905 728 1183
Other people seeking other people
Derek is 52, single, and lives in Mevagissey. A milkman all his life and very keen on darts (which he plays every night), he is excited by the thought of barbed wire and bondage and would like to meet similar men to share interests and maybe more. Tel 0905 674 3283
Single badger (27) looking for mate and not too particular! Tel 0905 693 4528
FOR SALE
Box 3 Petrol-powered automatic toothbrush for sale with litre of petrol £9.50
Box 4 Gent’s pink and green latex speedo – 56” waist £7.50
Box 7 Home-made (from bean tins), but very effective nose drop collector (to save on tissues!) £41.20
Box 11 Ladies cast iron knickers – generous size 20. Owner grown out of them £14.76
Box 32 Almost complete set of teeth – one careful owner, now dead – suit large mouth £78.99
Box 42 Attractive set of ladies’ earrings in blue plastic, with one ear still attached. £9.99
Box 31 Breeding Pair of ‘Sancreed Blue’ fighting rats with year’s supply of food £450
Box 20 Lean-to toilet hut in need of total renovation £1.95
Box 67 One-wheeled motor cycle, with side car for extra stability (and free umbrella for passenger!) vastly reduced, as no motor. £14
RELUBBUS ROUNDUP CLASSIFIEDS
NEW SUPERHERO FOR RELUBBUS!
As far as Superheroes go, you may have heard of Batman and Gotham City, but have you heard of Relubbus and... "The Man with No Trousers"?
We present below (on far left) a partial snap of the reluctant hero -- who is known simply as 
The Man with No Trousers -- in a lucky photo taken on the Relubbus Underground, on the Central Line between the fashionable Boswedden Lane and Prospidnick Lane stops, by Agnes Tresidder (82), who commented merely, "I was takin’ my grandson's repaired camera 'ome on the Tube, when I suddenly saw The Man with No Trousers.
"I was sum shocked to see ov un and I must 'ave sumow pressed the button. Denzil, my grandson, told me I 'ad taken this 'ere picture."
Relubbus has been repeatedly astounded by reports of astonishing bravery and devilish and speedy skill on the part of an individual who moves quickly, very quickly indeed, but who wears no trousers. No one knows his name, but we print Mrs Tresidder's picture here in the fervent hope that someone -- maybe his mother -- will recognise the underpants the young man is wearing.
Mrs Tresidder added helpfully that, as he got off the train, she could observe pronounced "skid marks" on the reverse of the young hero's underpants, which might bring about a smile of knowing recognition on some proud mother's face. If the young hero can be found, a public honour to be presented by Council Leader Billy Spargo awaits him.
The young hero already has a string of acts of heroism to his name. Only last week, the Man with No Trousers appeared just in the nick of time to save Mrs 'Ollis' budgie from certain death in the jaws and paws of next door' s cat, Trewella.
The week before that he single-handedly neutralised 7 nuclear bombs that the People’s Republic of Hayle has recently imported from North Korea.
However, whilst many stories can be told about this latest of the Relubbus Legion of Superheroes, what news of the older established heroes such as 'Ooverman or Toiletwoman?
In a rare archive photograph, we proudly present here a picture of 'Ooverman in his very first 
act of derring do. Taken by an admiring amateur photographer, it shows 'Ooverman taking care of a spilt sherbet fountain in Marshall James' music store in Market Jew Street, Penzance, back in 1969.
Since then he and his hoover have been an ingredient of every natural disaster that has struck around the world. Bemused foreigners from Chernobyl to Bangladesh have been reassured by those comforting words delivered in a high-pitched West Cornish accent, "Orright, I'm 'ere neow, where can I plug it in?"
The fame of this superhero is shared by another Relubbus Superheroine, the so-called 
Toiletwoman. She has yet to perform a traditional "Superhero" act, but she has remained seated on the same toilet for 12 years, which is an accomplishment no one else has equalled.
We can report that she is still seated firmly on her toilet on the Gwavas Estate in Newlyn.
However, where might The Man with No Trousers be right now? Who can say… Have you seen him?
LILY LOOKALIKE SPOTTED IN MARAZION
The mystery lady who bears a remarkable resemblance to Lily Nichols, the con-artist and ex-bag lady from Perranuthnoe, has been sighted again, this time in Marazion. Previous sightings have been in Morrison's, the KWOP, and Lidl's in Penzance. She has also been seen loitering outside the flagship RC Oates Superstore in Relubbus.
This time, the mystery woman seemed to think that she had been invited to start the Trevaskis Challenge Round the World Raft Race (jointly sponsored by W.G. Trevaskis and English Heritage). Luckily, ace Roundup photographer "Snapper" Kelynack was in Marazion to cover the start of the race, and took the picture on the left.
Meanwhile, Lily Nichols herself, who makes a very comfortable living out of convincing the English media that she is an aristocrat (the mythical Duchess of Cornwall) is said to be furious at the antics of the interloper, whom she sees as trying to cash in on her territory.
"'Oo duh she think she is?" Lily complained yesterday. "Lollopin' aroun' like a git muppet, askin' people "How do you do?" an' "What do you do?" in thet bleddy silly voice?!"
