CHRISTMAS GETS A NEW LOOK IN MARAZION!!

The Marazion Apollo Theatre - as can be seen in the picture on the left - has been looking a little run down in recent years. 

The once hugely popular 37-seat theatre had seen better days - almost all of which are no longer within living memory.

The exception, of course, is in the case of 125-year-old "Lucky" Pender, who still lives in the same Barncoose hospital for the criminally insane that he has occupied since that fateful day - 110 years ago - when he tried to burn down Simpsons of Penzance after the staff of that fashionable store laughed at him when he tried on a new pair of trousers only to reveal that he wore no underpants.

Apparanetly "Lucky" still has vivid childhood memories of the place.

It has therefore come as considerable relief to many folk that the Relubbus mega-multibillionnaire entrepreneur, R C Oates, has dug deep in his generous pockets to splash out on a £749 refurbishment that has made the Marazion Apollo once again the number one entertainment centre within 172 yards of the famous Marazion town centre.

Resplendent in its new glory, the 10,000 seat renewed Marazion Apollo is set to clean up on Christmas and New Year Entertainment bookings in West Penwith.

The new artistic director of the Apollo is none other that Mrs Doris 'Ollis (43), who has been lured over from her job at the Treneere Fish Bar to take on this demanding role for an hourly reward, which is rumoured to run well below double figures.

A major factor in her readiness to take on this role lies in the fact that her husband ('usbant), Boris, is the driver of the bus that connects Penzance Bus station with Marazion.  "Eegen gimme free lift on the wayome like!", says an excited Mrs 'Ollis.

Doris has been given an artistic free hand and is using this opportunity to bring exciting new talent to the West Cornish stage.

We present just four of the new discovery headline acts she is bringing this Christmas.

Top of the bill is the "Pub Landlady" - or Lily Nichols as she is better known.  For some years, Lily has been practising her stand-up routine on the streets of Helston outside its various hostelries.  Fortified by cans generously donated by members of the public, she maintains a stream of comical verbiage until the stand-up becomes a fall-down, at which point the show ends and the Salvation Army moves in.

Thus honed in the harsh world of street stand-up, Lily will be bringing her routine  to the new Marazion Apollo stage.  Lily will be having a few drinks and telling a few stories of clever observational humour before she reaches the stage of technical fall-down or becomes too incoherent or lewd and has to be dragged from the stage.

Next up on the bill comes the raw sex and sizzle provided by the risqué burlesque troupe - "They Naughty Hopalong Maids" - from Tregeseal, St Just.

All six girls have in common the fact that they have been expelled from school for reasons termed as inappropriate behaviour and also the fact that they hop everywhere they go - including on stage.

They will be dancing - hopping - to their own rendition of "The Old Grey Duck", "Goin up Cambern 'Ill" and other classic favourites well known to the crowds.

Sure to be another success with the audience is the hypnotist's act known simply as Camp Count Colin.  This is a speciality act with a twist.   Colin - who hails from far away up in North Cornwall - is a mysterious type, who likes the Gothic look.

Exuding a manic confidence despite his strongly lisping stammer and startling falsetto voice, Colin affects what he regards as an East European accent, which, when married with his obviously Cornish vocabulary and grammar, creates a novel impact.

Amongst the embarassing things he gets his hypnotised victims (always young men) to do is to profess their love for him.  "It duh give a noo meanin' to 'turn queer', thasswat I duh say!"

Used to the 'anything goes' atmosphere prevailing in the nightclubs of Trewint and Tregole, Colin is now under strict instructions to keep his act clean enough for a family audience.

The final offering to gain a mention here is a new novelty act from Scotland - "The Two Tweeters",  a married couple by the name of Gordon and Sarah.

This pair of lovebirds performs an eye-catching tap dance whilst they simultaneously play the spoons in a routine so obviously dreamt-up and rehearsed in the comfort of their own front room.  However, such is the charm of their smiles - particularly Gordon's - that it is quite compelling.

They will also be singing a medley of songs - some of Gordon's own composition - including one about an old ex-friend:

"Who is that bastard?

His name is Tony............" (to the tune of "You take the High Road")

Ticket enquiries can be made at a booth in the alleyway next to "Out of the Blue"  in Market Place, Marazion.  You are advised to hurry as tickets are expected to sell quickly.

IT COULD ONLY HAPPEN IN RELUBBUS!!

The Roundup today breaks the story of the very first human being to change from a man – into a woman – and then back to a man again!!

This is the fantastic, but true, story of one Chris Bolitho – he/she kept the same name throughout the transformations so as not to inconvenience Chris’s employers, “Dust to Dust” the Nancledra-based vacuum-packing “no smells” undertakers.

Born in Tregeseal, near metropolitan St Just in the early 1950s, Chris was a normal schoolboy with an abnormal requirement and capacity for smoking cigarettes. At just 13 years of age, he was getting through 3 packs of PLAYERS Weights a day.

After some four years, when Chris had just started work as a ‘washer’ at the above-named firm of undertakers, his mother realised that this heavy smoking was not normal behaviour and took him to see the GP, Dr Behenna, to seek medical guidance.

Dr Behenna (112) had long been a man seeking to ‘explore his feminine side ‘ and he had discovered, in a kitchen accident, that inhaling Maggie Fountain’s old Mediterranean Pancake mixture had greatly helped him enhance his feminine side. He had also noticed that his appetite for smoking had completely disappeared after just three weeks of taking the mixture once every two days.

He therefore had no hesitation in recommending that young Chris start taking the same mixture – three times a day until further notice - to put an end to the smoking habit.

However, since Dr Behenna was fatally hit by the Marazion bus only the following day, there was no ‘further notice’ and consequently no halt to the thrice daily ingestion of the magic mixture.

After just three months, Chris was a confirmed non-smoker. However, the treatment had brought about only a partial success, because he had also completely changed sex – without any surgical intervention whatever. Male Chris had become female Chris – as pictured left.

Pronounced character and personality changes accompanied this astounding sex change.

The young male Chris was a retiring young man, who was content with his own company, who adored his Hornby train set and for whom relaxation meant retiring to his room with a good stock of cigarettes and just playing with himself.

The new female Chris was foul-mouthed, flatulent and ‘liked men’ – a lot. After a bewildering amount of alcohol, some of them even liked her. She soon acquired the name of the ‘Tregeseal Bike’. She had three children in rapid succession and also took up heavy drinking as a hobby.

After the third child, the drinking had become so bad that her mother carted her off to see the new GP, Dr Penhallow. Given the nature of Chris’s problem, Dr Penhallow was just the right person to see.

Dr Loveday Penhallow (39) had long fought with the demon drink. After trying the orthodox and the unorthodox, she had eventually had some success with Will Trembath’s Particular Elixir. Taken ONLY twice a month, it had completely eradicated Dr Penhallow’s unfortunate reliance on drink. Unfortunately, it had also caused the doctor to grow a willy as well.

However such was the astonishing success with eradication of reliance on alcohol that the doctor had no hesitation in recommending the Particular Elixir to Chris.

Chris was too drunk to hear what the doctor was saying. Sadly the batteries in Chris’s mum’s hearing aid were gone and so she completely misunderstood the doctor’s instructions, understanding “take the potion 5 times a day”, instead of 5 times a month.

Within a month, all of Chris’s feminine bits had simply disappeared – to be replaced by a willy again. Unfortunately the trauma of all the changes caused Chris to suffer from anxiety and he found that he could only escape form it by smoking PLAYERS Weights.

Chris (shown here in a recent picture) died last week from lung cancer. In his will, he asked that the Roundup publish his remarkable story.

We do so today - with pride at being selected to release this world-first unique story.

CHRISTMAS SNOWS COME TO RELUBBUS!!

By our Rover Christmas Correspondent.... the dog with the cool glasses..... and the festive antlers....... whose paws caress the keyboard into sweet language... who, alone amongst our journalists, is completely house-trained.. this report comes from "Fetch" Penhaligon, the dog who always gets his story!!

Yes, you can tell it's Christmas again – that white stuff is back!

The roof of the Relubbus Met Office is covered in six inches of snow, while the picture shows the magical scene this morning at Relubbus Zoo, where Head Keeper Willy Rosewarne (39), recently cleared of all charges of ‘interfering with the animals’, is out with his favourite elephants.


Snowfalls bedeck the whole of Relubbus and the surrounding district. The ski runs at Mount Relubbus have, of course, been carpeted in thick, freshly topped-up snow ever since the end of September, enticing tens of thousands of winter sports enthusiasts to fabled Relubbus, where you can ski in the morning and then travel five miles on a Western National bus, arriving three hours later in the tropical magic of Prah Sands, which is currently basking in 30 degrees Centigrade of luscious sunshine.

In Boswedden Lane in the centre of Relubbus, carol singing took place in front of the statue dedicated to Greater Relubbus Urban Council (GRUC) Leader Billy Spargo’s Enty Mabel – the famed poet.

Carol singing was led by Ms Doris Hitler – seen here giving her trademark salute – and the proceedings concluded with a noted poem by Mabel Spargo specially set to music by Professor Norris Boris Morris of the Relubbus Conservatoire.

The poem is, of course, the renowned favourite “Ee”

I aren’t gunna askee “Knawun do ee?”
Tha’s too easy and idden no fun.

I wain’t ask ‘ee “Seenunroundere avee?”
Cos wi they glasses you kint see nawun.

I aren’t gonna tell ‘ee oo I’m talking abowt
Cos tha’s easy at this time o year.

I bleeve I jes seen Faither Christmas
An ee’s coming ovver your way, my dear!

Another sure sign that the Christmas season is upon us came with the traditional annual Lesbian and Gay Plumbers’ Parade, which started off at Prospidnick Terrace, making its way through the notorious Pink Pydar gay quarter (what Castro is to San Francisco, Pink Pydar is to Relubbus) before emerging on to Cattle Market square, where they linked up – in a symbol of Christmas reconciliation – with both the Triangle and Tambourine Band of the Tregeseal Fundamentalist Methodist Church and the massed Harleys of the Long Rock Bearded Bikers Club.

Participation this year by the Pink Truncheons, a special unit of the Devon and Cornwall Police (DCP), was blocked by Commissioner Percy Penrose of the Relubbus Kreslu Kernewek because of their (DCP's) behaviour unbecoming gay police officers.

Shelley’s of St Just , the world famous hairdressing establishment, has opened an academy for ‘juniors’ in Relubbus, which has just taken on its first one hundred recruits.

We show, as our last picture, some of the girls at play building a snowman.

We leave you with this seasonal snap and wish all our readers a very Merry Christmas!!!!

PEOPLE IN THE NEWS

The Roundup provides a 'roundup' of people who have been making the big news in West Penwith!
Voluptuous Brenda Rosewarne (27) from Tregeseal, St Just, is not just a go-ahead executive in charge of sheet music for Marshall James' Music in Market Jew Street, Penzance!

In her spare time, she is active in four different sports. Last week she came 8th in the Tregeseal Methodist Church Egg and Spoon Race.

The week before, she managed to secure 3rd place in the Pendeen Open Cross Country 5 mile Hopping (left leg only) race.

Last month, she scooped second prize in the Tremethick Cross Magnifying Glass Ant-frying Speed Contest (frying 356 ants in just 30 minues!).

Yesterday, she topped all her other achievements by coming first in the Sancreed Sack Race (It differs from other such races in that the sack is worn over the head and thus, once one has been spun round the regulation 36 times to achieve disorientation, one has precious little chance of going in the right direction, quite apart from covering the 220 yards in the required 8 minutes). Breathless Brenda was over the moon with her performance, saying "I am over the moon!"

Hankie Penhaligon (41), on his organ on the left, and Ben Dover (39), fully engaged with his instrument on the right, are kitchen fitters by day, but sing proudly for God in the evenings.

The two boys founded the group "Cornish Voices for Jesus" years ago at Mousehole Methodist Youth Club. Now their runaway success with their last hit, "Satan's feet don't smell too good!", has won them the support of the Christian Records Label and bookings from Heamoor to St Buryan.

Mecca Bingo caller, Dougie Botterell (76) has been let off without a caution for "pestering" young innocent Penny Treglown (21). The couple are pictured here together last month at the Mecca Bingo in Penzance, when Dougie called her up for the twentieth time for a special prize.

Penny complained, "the dirty old bugger was jes lookin' down my cleavage". The magistrate, Mr Tommy Botterell (no relation) said, "No one can blame my cousin for wanting to have a look. Have you seen the size of them? She ought to carry a health warning!"




Prospidnick Stage Hypnotist Jacko Clemo (52) has been in the news recently for all the wrong reasons. He originally achieved fame by hypnotising rabbits and getting them to recite medieval poetry and perform other un-rabbit-like acts. He is believed to have achieved the peak of his career some years back, when he hypnotised some grass snakes into thinking they were birds and actually got them to fly!

Now, alas, how the mighty have fallen! He was arrested last week for preying upon the residents of the Gwithian Home for Retired Gentlewomen, having hypnotised them (none of them are younger than 97) into believing that they were the 25 year old inhabitants of a house of ill repute and that he was the sole gentleman they had to entertain.

Gay Cornwall was over the moon at the celebrity marriage in Camborne of Mebyon Kernow Gay Rights Campaigner, Aloysius Landshark (45), "with all the gay gear" on the left, to his chosen partner Ben Dover (28), an unemployed brick-layer from Falmouth.

The happy couple were said to be overjoyed that so many representatives of the Devon & Cornwall Police (Gay division) had turned out to be supportive and perform their synchronised baton-waving routine.

The happy couple will honeymoon at Long Rock for 7 weeks and will then be moving into a caravan near Sennen to begin married life together, with their budgie, "Harold", who is not gay.

ENTY MAY'S RECIPE BOOK

ENTY MAY REVEALS HER RECIPE FOR SHERRY AND BOVRIL CAKE!

As regular readers will know, Enty May is a legend on the Roundup. She is famed for her role as an Agony Aunt, but it has been, until now, a closely guarded secret that she is a veritable Queen in the kitchen. The likes of Delia Smith and Nigella Lawson have often been seen sneaking into Enty May's kitchen in Colinsey Road, Penzance, to obtain a few tips to keep their flagging careers going.

Until now, Enty May has resisted the temptation to publish recipes in her own right. Now after a chat with her "friend", Sam Curnow, who keeps a fish shop in Causewayhead, Penzance, she has decided to release some of her closely guarded recipe secrets, starting with her famous Sherry and Bovril Cake.



Recipe for Enty May's Sherry and Bovril cake
Es well, You duh start off with th' gredients:

Two litres of cooking sherry
1 lb of self-raising flour
Tub o' lard
2 raisins
1 oz of iron filings
Bit salt
Jar o' Bovril
Two large glasses

Preparation:

This one 'ere is my speshul favrit. I duh make un Krismas, Easter, an twice a week fer the rest o' the year. It duh take a bit effort, so you duh want a frien' to come roun' fer a bit chat while you duh make ovun. All the 'gredients is vailable up Kwop.

1. First, fill up they large glasses with sum o that sherry -- you duh deserve ovun -- and 'ave a bit chat.

2. When the first bottle's empty, i's time to git on with the cake. Mix up the lard wi' the flour and add the iron filings and the all Bovril.

3. Stop for a bit more sherry 'n chat.

4. Then chuck unall in the cake tin, put the rasins on top and bungun all in th'oven and switch unon -- Gas mark 6 or 220 degrees Centigrade fer 'n 'our or two -- or till the sherry's finished.

5. Pullun out the oven and who care what ee duh taste like, but I duh bet ee's sum 'ansome!
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