POLGLAZE ON CLIMATE, CHARLES AND CORNWALL

The eminent scientist, environmentalist, amateur fireman and President of the Relubbus Institute for Earth Sciences, Professor Madron Polglaze (121), has requested space in the august columns of the Roundup to pass comment on the recent speech by His Eariness the Duke of Cornwall on action to combat climate change.

The Roundup is honoured to make space available to this aged, but esteemed and venerable Relubbus academic (pictured here 60 years ago on his honeymoon in Finland with his civil partner – Professor Polglaze is the one with the speaking trumpet).

Whispering softly, but with passion, through his speaking trumpet, the great man said:

“Charles of Cornwall has made a statement to the effect that the Earth has only 96 more months in which to take effective action to combat Climate Change.

"You may well be asking “Just how does he know? Why is it not 95, 97 or 197?

"The answer is very easy. This man who would be king not only talks to plants, he also talks to little green men.

"These are strange little aliens (pictured left) with fanciful names like Porritt (Hobbit?) and Juniper.

"Many believe that, because of their spontaneous spitefulness, they are related to piskies, although they are clearly distinguished from true piskey folk by what psychiatrists have termed “the saviour complex”.

"These poor sad smug deluded ones have long believed that they alone have Flash Gordon solutions to save the Earth.

"Accessing universally available data on climate change and other environmental perils (data which is only contested by the severely mentally challenged, such as Clarkson), they have divined that they alone have the solutions.

"Such solutions involve other people doing exactly what they feel like telling them to do. However, if you are a saviour you need to be able to get your message across, and so they look for a means of transmission.

"With this aim in view, they then espy him - the man always desperately looking for a mission – the man with a life on his hands, looking for something to do, the man who wrings those hands and grins apologetically from one elephantine ear to the other for being there, the man looking for a purpose.

"Curiously, he is also the man who will do what ‘they’ tell him – as he has always been surrounded by those who tell him what to do and say. However, he is also the man whose titles make certain other recognition-thirsty folk listen. So how effective a person can he be in calling on others to make drastic change?

"Unlike most people on the Earth, Duke Charles is surrounded by many obvious signs of profligate opulence. He has, for instance, not one, not two, not three, but FOUR residences – all fit for a prince: Clarence House in London, Highgrove in Gloucestershire, Birkhall in Scotland and Llwynywermod in Wales.

"(His Dukeship can be seen in the attached photo uncharacteristically smoking a Havana cigar, whilst inspecting his new property acquisition with “one’s latest squeeze”).

"He is a travelling man with a fleet of vehicles, a world-beating air miles collection and a host of followers. He is a man with many servants and even more lackeys (defined as people, almost always folk of economic substance, who have somehow climbed the greasy pole whilst elbowing others off, folk who choose to defer and demean themselves in his presence in the hope of mere approval.)

"However, if you examine his direct (and indirect) environmental footprint, it is greater than that of almost any other person on this planet!

"Of course, the fawning, deluded little alien lackey boys ignore this fact completely.

"So how can this poor man redeem himself? Firstly, he should leave the matter of climate change and solutions to the United Nations. Global problems demand global solutions and, for the first time, we have a man in the White House who can deliver commitment on international agreements.

"Secondly – and remember we are speaking of redemption here – he should remember his wife’s title – Duchess of Cornwall. He should also remember that the only public place in which he and she first got a real welcome was in Cornwall – on the Isles of Scilly. He should recall his own title – Duke of Cornwall – and he should put his weight behind the recognition of Cornwall’s special claims, its nationhood, by campaigning for it to be granted the self-government it deserves, no less than its cousin nations of Wales and Scotland.”

121 is a good age. However, it is still sad for us to report that, after making this heartfelt plea, Professor Polglaze expired his last.