Midget maniac speed-freak Hazel Blears, the much-troubled ex-Community Minister in the spiralling UK Brown government, has applied to get a job with the Greater Relubbus Urban Council (GRUC).
She has taken time off writing expenses claims to the Westminster Fees Office to submit a 
proposal, via megaphone as pictured on the left, to the GRUC, promising to knock 50% off the cost of postal services throughout Greater Relubbus, if the GRUC will give her the job of Minister for Telephony, Telegraphy and Postal services, a job which pays £11,500 per annum plus ‘expenses’.
The proposal, which has the full backing of her consultant psychiatrist, is revolutionary in concept. In fact, the proposal was so stunning that the Council was temporarily lost for words when hearing it.
Many have been perplexed as to how an utterly failed UK ex-Minister could have the gall to apply for a job with the GRUC. However, her psychiatrist has stated that she totally lacks any insight into her deplorable long-term mental disorder, which explains why, no matter what the circumstance, she can always be seen speeding around at her height of 3ft 9 inches off the ground, wearing her trade-mark grin-mask.
The kernel of her proposal rests on tricks she has learnt at the feet of her hero, Tory Blur, in that huge sums of money would be saved by sacking all 14,500 staff of the GRUC postal service and replacing them with 4 pensioned-off postmen from Japan.
Blears had to accept that, whilst huge sums of money could be saved in wages (to pay for her expenses claims), her idea did have several fatal flaws.
The first flaw was that she had located only one Japanese postman prepared to come to Relubbus. Mr Kendo Suzuki (pictured left), an 84-year-old from Nagasaki, has just been released from a 40-year sentence in prison for robbery with samurai swords. Whilst willing to attempt the work, he cannot now walk more than half a mile a day.
Further, whilst he is prepared – indeed eager – to leave Japan, he speaks and reads no English and might therefore have practical difficulties in both sorting and delivering mail unless the letters were addressed in Japanese. This would be a rare occurrence in Greater Relubbus -- or anywhere else in Cornwall.
When Billy Spargo, the redoubtable 104-year-old Chairman of the GRUC, described the proposal as ‘bleddy daft’, the midget Blears squeaked in her excitable Salford singsong, “But, your royal majesty, sir, think of the savings we could make….to spend on other things!”
The assembled Council looked on in sad silence at the pathetic spectacle of the benighted, madly-smiling midget who couldn’t see the job losses for the savings. Blears was swiftly dismissed by the Council and her pleas to have her interview expenses paid (apparently £24,000!!! “I came via Tiffany’s in New York”) were laughed out of Boswedden Lane.
ADVERTISEMENT
Come and hear the Boleigh Kami Kaze Electrical String Septet next Tuesday!!
The Boleigh team – all of whom have wills recently prepared by Grasper, Fidget and Swilp, sponsors of this concert – will be performing their arrangement of Handel’s Water Music on Marazion beach in the incoming tide.
As anyone not from Hayle knows, electricity and water don’t mix and therefore, at some stage in the proceedings, things are expected to ‘hot up’ considerably.
Given this little extra in the musical performance, tickets will cost £15 each, half of which will be donated to the Relubbus Fund for Musicians' Orphans.
New members for the Septet will soon be urgently sought and auditions will be held next Wednesday evening at 7.00pm at the “Under the Leg” Hall in Morvah Avenue, Relubbus.
SPARGO SLAMS BLEARS POSTAL PROPOSAL!
EUROVISION 2009 QUIZ
You all know who is singing for your own country, but can you guess which countries the following artistes will be representing in Moscow in May? If you get the answers right, you could win a fabulous set of prizes**!!!
Here are the artistes, but which countries do they represent?
Silvia Burlesque-Only is 32 years old, but has only been a woman for the last 12 of those years. She breeds three-legged ferrets as a hobby and is a mistress (formerly, master) of the art of the cigarette roll-up, which is one of the factors that have given rise to her ‘throatily sexy’ voice.
She is particularly proud of her fine thatch of hair, as she went prematurely bald as a man and was obliged to wear a handkerchief to cover this up, prior to the sex-change which caused her capillary explosion.
Her interests are men and ice-cream in that order.
She has a blown-up nude picture of Tony Blair hanging on her bathroom wall. The song she will sing is “Just one cornetto!”
Alphonse Narcose Tea-Cosy is 39 and speaks only French – but which country does he represent?
Some helpful clues are that he dismembers budgies for fun, has an overpowering and disturbing body odour, changes his underwear only once a month (with the aid of a blow torch) and has never owned a toothbrush .
Also, he has never been arrested for murder, but has been detained by police for many other minor transgressions. He has received therapy since 1973 and this has led to the training of his unusual voice, which has been likened to the sound of a chicken being strangled. The song he will be singing is “I picked my nose for you alone!”
“Heinzi” Arschi-Lochi is a 28 year old ‘rainbow person’, who believes that the Eurovision Song 
Contest 2009 will put him and his country on the map.
Heinzi comes from a family with a long tradition of producing Wurst AND Cuckoo clocks. Like many in his country he went to work in a bank, before the ‘profession’ acquired a reputation considerably below that of child-murderer. He then went to work in a care home, where he learnt yodelling from a 92-year-old inmate called Stefan, with whom he formed a very close, indeed intimate, bond.
Heinzi will be yodelling his entry “I’ll shove that rose up your rozzer, if you shove this tulip up mine!”
This last entry in this week’s quiz is a very tricky one indeed. Here are the clues: the singer 
(now somewhat deceased, but still in good voice) does not usually sing in a European language and likes to be called ‘the Chairman’.
The Chairman is coy about giving his age or any other personal information, although it is believed that his daytime job is in a restaurant or, possibly, in a laundry. He has been chosen to sing for a country, which is next to a mountainous land and which has a coastline with only a limited sewerage problem.
Accompanying himself on a banjo, the Chairman will be singing a song called “Little Red Book” to the tune of the old Tommy Steele favourite “Little White Bull”.
If you think you know all the answers, just send in to the Roundup your list of correct answers -- with the fee of €100 -- and you will be entered in a draw which could win you the magnificent life-changing sum of Kernewek Angels 5 billion!!!!
Not only this, but you would win the right to a lifetime’s FREE supply of vegetables and toilet rolls from the RC Oates Superstore in Relubbus – together with a FREE Trevaskis Landshark motor car handcrafted for you in Cornwall!!
Entries please – together with entry fee of €100 (in used notes) to:
Sylvanus Penhaul Esq
The Editor
Relubbus Roundup
c/o The Swordfish Inn
Newlyn
Penzance
Cornwall
DISGRACED RBS CHIEF PUT IN HIS PLACE!
Councillor Billy Spargo (98) had the disgraced ex-chief of the RBS (Relubbus Banking Syndicate) brought in shackles before a full council meeting today.
The RBS ex-chief, Sir Zack “the Sack” Badloss (45), is pictured left in happier days outside the bank, which has been found to have registered losses of £130 billion.
Sir Zack Badloss earned his nickname "the Sack" for the huge number of redundancies he brought about during his career.
Sir Zack earned a whopping £15 million per year during his 11 year tenure at the top of the Relubbus banking giant, which he built up through a programme of ruthless acquisition and redundancy.
Badloss was made to kneel-walk along a specially prepared corridor of broken glass in order to reach the council. The corridor had been lovingly prepared for him by a group of ballot-selected ex-colleagues, who had been sacked and ruined by him over the years.
Lining the route of the corridor were two files of similarly-selected ruined shareholders and customers, who were able to show their appreciation of Badloss’s ruthless recklessness by hitting him with sturdy sticks.
However, such is the famed insensitivity of the man that Badloss made it through to the ordure-filled wooden barrel in which he was to be questioned without any loss of his customary haughtiness.
Outside the Council Chamber a crowd of 140,000 ruined by Badloss’s RBS watched the proceedings on huge screens and intoned a deafening chant of the now familiar mantra “Good riddance to Badloss!”
It was only when Council Leader Billy Spargo (105) raised his arm that silence fell sudden as a stone.
It was then that everyone noticed that, seated in his ordure, Badloss was actually humming the tune of “Oh, I do love to be beside the seaside!”
This display of nonchalant detachment was interrupted by the flood of questions from the furious members of the council, each of whom was armed with a device that sent a sizeable voltage through Badloss to ‘get his attention’. We report some of the exchanges below:
Councillor Nargus Rosewarne: “Have you any banking qualifications?”
Badloss: "I have a grade 3 pass in O level woodwork and….a grade 4 pass in CSE maths. These gongs are more than adequate to qualify me for running any bank."
Councillor Jack Pengelly: “Have you any regret for what you have done?”
Badloss: “Regret? Regret? How can I possibly have any regrets? I have made well over £100 million and have salted it away in the State Bank of Relubbus. I'm alright, Jack, but thanks for the enquiry.”
Councillor Loveday Trembath: "Thousands of people throughout Relubbus and elsewhere in the world have been ruined by your failing bank. Some poor folk have felt themselves driven to commit suicide in their desperation. Do you feel no sense of responsibility?”
Badloss: “As Mrs Thatcher said, we all have to look after ourselves and that is something which I have done very well, which is why her protégé, Tory Blur, gave me a knighthood."
Councillor Madron Andrewartha: “Do you not feel any sense of shame or sorrow for the havoc you have wreaked?”
Badloss: “How can I be sorry and apologise for something which is not my fault? The banking crisis started in America, where, following our programme of social responsibility, we had gone out of our way to extend home loans to thousands of people, who, for reasons of abject poverty, would not normally qualify for any finance at all.
"Of course, we had to charge a bit more for that and some of the suckers couldn’t keep up. It’s all gone a bit pear-shaped, but it is not my fault and I have come out of it very well indeed.
"I think I can just about manage on my savings and my £4 million per year pension.”
Following further questions, Council Leader Billy Spargo (86) ended the 6 hour ordeal by again raising his hand to secure total silence and then issuing a judgement in respect of Badloss:
- His title would be changed from “Sir “ to “Scumbag”
- His savings would be confiscated.
- His mansion and other properties would be confiscated and he would receive a house in poor repair in Colinsey Road with a broken outside toilet.
- His pension rights would be cancelled. He would receive £1.50 worth of food per week from the RC Oates Very Basic range.
- He would be able to keep (indeed, would be forced to keep) his shackles.
The waiting crowd broke into spontaneous and delirious applause at the news.In a park nearby, 94 year old Josiah Cock sat on a bench and wondered aloud “What did they expect from a man called Badloss, a 'good win'?
"None of these thieving crooks at the top of the banks should have any money at all - they should have prison sentences instead - that's what they deserve!"
He then gave thanks that he had the good fortune to live in Relubbus, which alone amongst the nations dealt firmly with failing banks and bankers.
Issue 4, 4th June 2007
EXCLUSIVE: BLAIR SEEKS TOP JOB AT GRUC!
As many political commentators have suspected, Tony Blair, after giving up the role of Prime Minister is now making his play for the big job -- as globe-trotting Foreign Relations Councillor for Greater Relubbus Urban Council (GRUC).The lucky job-holder is not only able to travel -- free -- all over Cornwall and sometimes outside, but also has the benefit of a fully-furnished council flat on Gwavas Estate, with a sea-view only 4 minutes walk away.
Blair’s wife, Cherie, has been seen in Andrewartha’s, Penzance, eyeing up furniture for the flat (paid for by the council). She has also been reported as applying for a job as an assistant solicitor at Harvey’s in Morrab Road. Furthermore, we are reliably informed that the Blairs’ older children have applied for part-time jobs in the area (at Morrisons and the Kwop); this in order to shore up Blair’s local credentials and thus improve his chances of getting the job, for which there is the stiffest local competition.
The bookies’ hot favourite is Jan Trevanion, a granite quarryman from New Mill. A very youthful and sprightly 112 years old, Mr Trevanion has been dutifully waiting for what is commonly viewed as one of the greatest sinecures in the gift of GRUC.Pictured on the left looking quietly confident, Mr Trevanion tells the Roundup that he has nothing to fear from Blair. "Blair idn local, kent speak Cornish an 'ee abn’t got un ‘ope in ‘ell of taking my job. I was ‘ere first and I aren’t goin nowhere!"
Mr Trevanion’s cousin, Ezekiel, held the job for some twenty years before his untimely death last month at the age of 147. As many believe that you need Trevanion blood to do the job, there will be uproar locally if Blair gets it. The Roundup will be first with the news!
We’re watching you!
Lorry Botheras, "Fats" Hocking and Violet Tregonning (disguised) are expert sleuths employed by the Roundup to sniff out stories.
So whether you’re nattering on the St Just bus, having a bit of chat over the fence, or musing to yourself in the House of Office, just remember we’re on the case.
The Roundup never sleeps -- never misses!
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GAY RIGHTS -- Should we take them up?
This is a snapshot taken at the St Ives Lesbian and Gay Rights Festival. It depicts one man's, "Winker" Rosewarne’s, attempt to "come out". Winker (49), a single man who lives quietly with his mother, Agnes (93), took advantage of the Festival to reveal his true bent, much to the shock of both his mother and his employers, Andrewartha’s Dairies.
Mr Marchmount Andrewartha commented "Come Monday, that bender’s sacked. I aren’t 'avin 'ee deliver my milk no more."
This kind of outdated homophobic attitude is, of course, entirely unacceptable in the 21st century. Should the Roundup become a campaigning organ for benders’ rights? We want your views!
Local man (98) dies unexpectedly
The Roundup brings you the sad news of the unexpected death of Mr Singlong "Chinky" Hong, who passed away at the weekend. A much-loved local character, Mr Hong was always pleased to be known simply as Chinky to patrons of his restaurant "The Chopped Stick", the first Chinese restaurant to be opened in Penzance back in the 1960s.
He was often heard to say, with a chuckle, "Guiloes no pronounce my name right, betta I say I Chinky!". Chinky was married to the 1956 Miss Halsetown, Catherine Trembath. The couple had no children.
A memorial service will be held at Chapel St Methodist Church on Wednesday at 3.00pm. According to Chinky’s last wishes, no flowers should be sent, but instead donations should be made to the Penzance branch of the Chinese Opium Smokers’ society.
CELEBRITY NEWS
with Court and Social editor Elsie Rescorla
Tregavarah Operatic Society Star adopts Colinsey Road child
Priscilla Rodda, the much-loved opera diva from Tregavarah, has adopted at last!
After fruitless years of treatment at the Bojuthno Trudgen Institute for Artificial Insemination, Priscilla has adopted a child from Maureen Coke, of 31, Colinsey Road, Treneere.
The child, believed to be female, was offered up by Maureen for adoption by Priscilla in exchange for an undisclosed sum.
Planning news:
Lamorna to be used for storage of nuclear waste shock!
Greater Relubbus Urban Council (GRUC) has struck again with a shock piece of news for picturesque Lamorna (left).
GRUC has signed a £40 million per year deal with the Republic of Ukraine to accept nuclear waste, which will be stored in Lamorna harbour.
Councillor Archibald Coke was unrepentant and unapologetic in giving out the news. "I dunno what they people are complaining about. I’s only a bitta waste. We’ll putten under the sand in the harbour and put a fence up round un. Tourists can hire Geiger counters at 50p a time and do their own measurin'."
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COURT REPORT
By Court Correspondent John Willie Polkinghorne, at Relubbus Magistrates' Court
Parish Council Chairman Terrorises Relubbus
Boy-racer Derek Hustle (63), the Chairman of Wellwhit Parish Council on the Isle of Wight, has been convicted of speeding.
In evidence, P.C. Obed Carne said:
"I clocked 'un 'urtlin' down Relubbus High Street at 32 mph. 'Ee was drivin' one-'anded, and wavin' a bottle of dry white wine in his other 'and. When 'ee got to the end of the street, 'ee did un 'and-brake turn and 'urtled back again. By this time, some ladies 'ad become 'istorical, an' 'Epzibah Pollock's prize sow, Gwennifyr, which 'ad been crossin' the street at the time, 'ad its litter then and there."
In mitigation, Hustle's solicitor explained that Hustle was not used to Relubbus roads. On the Isle of Wight, he said, people thought nothing of driving at speeds up to 35 mph. Just as the Isle of Man is known as "motor bike island", so the I.O.W. has been described as "racing car island", due to its proliferation of high-speed motorways.
Hustle (shown on the left leaving court disguised as a woman) asked for 17 other offences to be taken into account and was sentenced to 60 hours community service. He was also fined £3 and ordered to pay costs of £2.15.
Appropriately enough, it is understood that the Parish Council of Wellwhit has voted to defrock its erstwhile Chairman.
Proper Job - Cornish for the Non-Cornish
Gunnabuyunaree?
No, this is not an advertisement. This is the Relubbas Roundup’s way of introducing Cornish for the Non-Cornish.
Gunnabuyunaree? = "Are you considering the purchase of…..?"
I aren’t = "No, I am not."
Plumiza? = "Is he a little slow on the uptake?"
Queeriza? = "Is he gay?"
Bumdoee? = "Are you gay?"
Poetry Corner
Kenidjack Poetical, Literary and Philosophical Club
Annual Prize for Poetry in 2007
Awarded to Nellie Boskerris of Nanjizal, for her poem
I duh...
I duh do the washin on Mondays.
I duh go cleanin Tuesdays.
I duh like to stay ome Wednesdays, there’s plenty of cleanin ome to do.
I duh clean up in the back ‘ouse, make sure there’s plenty o newspaper.
Nuthin worse n bein stuck out there at 9 o’ clock on a winter’s eve, done your business, screamin for paper, but no one can ear you for the wind.
I duh gwup town regular for shoppin - buy n fresh and cook n fresh - thas me.
Thursdays I duh go old folks ome to elp out - git a bit a money for un too.
Fridays I duh do bakin and praps gwup town for a bitta geek roun.
Saturdays I’d put on my party frock and d’ go up bingo for a bit laugh.
Enty May’s Problem Page
Readers are invited to seek Enty May’s benevolent guidance on sensitive matters of the heart, soul, body and human relations in general. In a previous issue, we stated that Enty May had a background of long term psychiatric care. We now understand that she herself received the care, rather than dispensing it. Since her words of advice are greatly valued, we do not regard past severe instability as an impediment to her role in this organ.
Course I aren’t gunna tell the pleece. 'Owever, I was wundrin 'ow much blackmail money I could ask for to keep quiet?
Dear Enty, I duh 'ate my mother-in-law. 'Ow can I get rid of 'er fer keeps.
Enty replies: Well, my 'ansome, best way I can think of is t' bake she a nice pasty, but put plenty of rat poison innun. Put enough innun and she’ll be out your way.
Question from Elvia Cock (49) of Nanquidnick:Dear Enty, My 'usbant says I am now ugly as sin and 'ee duh want to get rid o’ me. 'Ee 'ave now got a girlfrien' – some 22 year old scrubber 'ee picked up down Barn Club. What do I do?
Question from Oliver Addicoat (16) of Heamoor:
Enty replies: Well, my cock, you’re some proper little man thinking about yer family name. Yer mother should be proud of 'ee.
If you want to get your own ASBO, you gotta' get noticed and that might be difficult with so many talented people in your street.If I were you, I would concentrate on the old folks’ flats. Start off with breaking bottles o’ milk, smasha few windows and work yer way all the way up to explosives through the door. Best a luck, my ansome!
LONELY HEARTS
The Roundup recognises its social responsibilities towards the community it serves in many ways. One of these is by helping unattached folk to meet suitable partners. We hope that the following people will soon meet love’s young dream.
Josiah Tredwin, 39, ("I’m the handsome one on the right!") is a skilled grave-digger and night watchman who has devoted so much time to professional development that he -- like many another professional -- has had little time for meeting the right person.
He is looking for a similarly professional young woman (say a doctor of about 28 years of age) with whom he can share the burden of care for his father and to help him in his practical exploration of the Kama Sutra. "I would like for she to 'ave a car, 'cos I gotta gwin town on the bus at the moment". The authorities have asked us to add that Josiah is fully registered with the Criminal Records Bureau. BOX 4772.
Shazzer Tregwin (24) is a girl who likes to have fun. She lists her interests as Bingo, drinking, fish ‘n’ chips, the Lottery, "all the gossip magazines", experimental sex, shoes, handbags, chocolate, and lingerie.
Archie Woolcock (45) is a local preacher, male voice choir member, and leader of a prayer group in Trelidden.
He runs a youth football team, and is a boy scout leader and Sunday School teacher. He has a job in the dry dock. An only child, he lives at home with his Mum and Dad.
Now that he has started wearing long trousers, he believes that it is time for him to meet girls, but it must be someone of whom his mother fully approves. His ideal woman would look like his Mum -- "a bit younger, of course!". BOX 2024.IN THE NEXT BUMPER ISSUE
- Camilla: shocking revelations!
- Henry VIII reincarnated in Penzance!
- Latest on the police search for master Crows an Wra criminal Jimmy "Boots bag" Dash .
- Millionaire Rosudgeon recluse Jasper Behenna's search for a young bride: the truth behind the rumours.
- Local doctor in sex scandal!
- Leader of chart-topping St Buryan music combo unmasked!
- Bumper edition of our socially-responsible "Lonely Hearts" section.
- And much, much more!
