Agnes Treglown (98), President of the Penzance branch of the Silver Thread, based at Penlowarth, and voted Sex Goddess of the Century in 1931 by the members of the Tregavarah cycling, ukelele and Gilbert and Sullivan Society, was selected this year to switch on the magnificent Relubbus Christmas Lights, which illuminate the whole 5 mile length of fashionable Boswedden Lane.
Amongst the VIP guests who flocked to Relubbus for the occasion were His Royal Highness Prince Hans-Adam II of Lichtenstein, together with his charming wife, Queen Tracey, formerly of 14 Colinsey Road in Penzance.
President-elect Barack Obama (pictured here on the left in heavy disguise for security purposes!) and family were official state guests of the Greater Relubbus Urban Council (GRUC) Chairman, Billy Spargo (87); the Aga Khan attended with his four wives, all called Doris; Italian wigwearer and politician Silvia Burlesque-only was there with his new love-interest, Mrs Osama (just call me ‘Goky’) Bin Laden; UK House of Commons Speaker, Michael Martin was also an enthusiastic participant in the festivities, losing no opportunity to tell people how he had ‘sorted’ Tory MP troublemakers.
Of course, the credit crunch around the world has had no impact on the Relubbus economy whatsoever. People seem to be spending wildly as never before.
The flagship RC Oates Superstore, shown here on the left together with some of the other 'lights of Relubbus', has apparently been 'raking it in'.
At the store (now officially named by the Guinness Book of Records as the largest store there has ever been and ever will be in the world) Mr Oates has splashed out (some talk in terms of amounts exceeding £15!!!) on extra special lighting to pull in the crowds.
In the lavish entertainment programme which followed the big ‘switch-on’, VIPs, celebrities and as many of the vast crowd that could, flooded into the cavernous majesty of the Grand Golden West Theatre, where they were treated to a spectacular rendition of old favourites from the world-famous Rosudgeon Showtime band, shown here on the left.
To the delight of Agnes Treglown and all her friends from the Silver Thread, the band played many old favourites including Itler, ‘ee only ‘ad one ball, which was, by request, played sixteen times.
Next on the bill came the Andrews Sisters (Barb, Brenda and Betty) from up ‘Eamoor. The glamorous girls - all of whom used to work in Simpsons of Penzance before fame came knocking on their door - had their hair done especially at world-renowned coiffurier Shelley's of Fore Street, St Just before appearing in the show.
To the delight of the huge crowd, they sang some of their greatest hits including I never knew Santa did that with a reindeer!, I won’t fart under the mistletoe!, and Bill Clinton gave me his cigar!
T
he ‘grand finale’ was provided by the award-winning St Just Waste Operatives Female-Impersonation and Dance Troupe. From left to right are shown Billy Kelynack (34), Archilaus Trembath (41), Dick (“an’ Dora”) Angove (33), Windy Treglown (54 and the star of the troupe, who claims to have stopped wearing trousers 30 years ago); Gwen Upsnoostaree (35), and, lastly, twin brothers Bob and Bert Botheras (36).
By day, they all man the dust carts of West Penwith, but come evening they transform themselves into the picture of female pulchritude you see in the attached snap. Accompanied only by Dougie Blewett on solo triangle and to rapturous applause from the audience, they performed a breathtaking tap routine, which entranced young and old alike.
As the capacity audience of 30,000 departed from the building at the end of the show, they all averred that the splendid show marked the end of a splendid day. But then, they had the treat of walking down a Boswedden Lane with Christmas illuminations which put all other shows to shame.
Meanwhile, Agnes and her friends were whisked away by the waiting Western National Bus (driven by Sidney Rosewarne (52) of St Erth) back to the warm comforting glow of the Lariggan Home for the Terminally Confused.
One occupant of that bus, Agnes herself, was thinking back to the days when the Chairman of that Tregavarah Club - Mr Madron Bolitho - pronounced her Sex Goddess of the Century.
Our correspondent, hitching a ride back to his pad in Adelaide Street, Penzance, was asked by Agnes whether he would publish a picture of Agnes "back in them days". He replied "'Course I'll do un for ee, my luvver", and here it is -- the young Agnes in earlier days!
SEX GODDESS SWITCHES ON RELUBBUS LIGHTS
CLASSIFIEDS - THE UPDATE
The recent series of classifieds appearing in this organ contained one plea that brought a reaction from hundreds of young women, all desperate to be the source of solace to the man who advertised thus:
Old fart, 82 but not yet dead, seeks stunning blonde between 25 and 29, who will lavish love upon me. Must be solvent, as I aren’t. Tel 0905 446 4612.
It is with the greatest of regret that we bring you the news that, despite the note of plucky optimism at the beginning of his message, the “Old Fart”, one Daniel Beare of the Caravan, Badger’s Field, St Just, has now passed away.
Such was his joy at being told that his advert had attracted 257 applicants that his excitement grew and his heart gave up on him.
However, we were so touched at the reaction that we have decided to print, for free, the adverts of some of those who responded in such a kindly manner, despite the fact that some clearly do not fit into the category of blonde, solvent, stunning and between 25 and 29.
Janice Cock (27) from Rosudgeon is a mobile (with own bike) "penile implant repair operative", who counts the whole of West Penwith as her patch. Given the nature of her work, she was on the lookout for a relationship that would offer her restful companionship to counterbalance the rigours of her day. “I am shagged out at the end of the day and jes’ wanted someone to come ‘ome to. I’m sum sorry to ‘ear about Mr Beare!” Janice would like to hear from you at Box 5674.
Sharon Botterill (16) is still at school, but as she said “Mr Beare sounded like such a kindly old bloke. I was jes’ goin’ to call in on un after school every couple of days to check ee’s alright, fetch ‘is fags and that sort of thing. Course, it might ‘ave led to more….” If anyone is moved by Sharon’s touching concern, she would love to hear from them and would like younger men or even boys her own age to make contact at Box 3912.
Lydia Addicoat (27), last year’s Miss Perranporth, shown here wearing her winning crown, is a ‘junior’ in a hair styling salon, where she has been training for some years to become a beautician. As the salon has male customers now too, she has been ‘looking after their feet’. She has developed a particular affection for old men’s feet, but did not like to tell anyone about it. Mr Beare would have been a dream partner, as he had apparently had ‘very bad feet’. If anyone would like to “play footsie” with Lydia, they should write to Box 7834.
Some one calling themselves just ‘Chris’ has sent in this photo, along with a message saying “I am Chris. I look just like this. I don’t want people to be afraid any more. They can trust me now. I am sorry about Mr Beare. I thought I could manage him, because his sight was probably not any good any more.” Chris lives "up on the moors" and loves horses. If you are interested, just take up a message. Chris will be watching. Chris is always watching.
Dog poo control operative (no, she’s eating chocolate!) Linda Borlase (25) is a sweet girl, who was strongly taken by Mr Beare’s cri de coeur. Overactive glands leave Linda with an embarrassing personal odour problem that makes her think she’d be better suited to an older man, like Mr Beare. She would like to hear from other over 80s gents at Box 4567.
Bert Trelowarren is a 27-year-old ladies' outfitter from Nancledra. A gentle soul, he has difficulty in fitting into the Penzance scene. He is very interested in male bodily dysfunctions, but finds it hard to relate his wishes to others. He thought that he would have a chance with an older man, hence his interest in Daniel. If anyone else would like to while away an evening with Bert over a yarn and a gallon of Bulmers, he should contact Box 5601.
Gracie Pender is 96 and still ‘up for it’. Gracie invented lap dancing in the 1920s and made a great deal of money from Lord Falmouth, the Bolithos and the Le Grices. She has also been credited with passing on handy hints to the Duckess of Cornwall about how to enliven nights at Highgrove. Charles was so thankful, he sent down his favourite cabbage to her. When she read Daniel’s message she thought “he’s a bit of a toyboy, but I’ve got the money and the time, so why the hell not?" Gracie is still eligible and open to invitations at Box 9127.
And finally, the man who all this was about? The man himself, Daniel Beare?
Here we have a picture of Daniel, snapped at one of his last ‘Dentures for Life’ sessions, where he acted as a model.
We send Daniel every best wish for his future journeys through the worlds of being!
A DOCTOR ADVISES...
The Relubbus Roundup is proud to be able to retain the services of Boswedden Lane Specialist, Dr Zennor Pengelly (67) of Rosudgeon, pictured below left, who is here to give you the benefit of his inestimable medical knowledge. Readers with any concerns about their own state of health or that of their loved ones should not hesitate to consult Dr Pengelly. The good doctor may be consulted either in Cornish, Cornish-English or in English.
Agnes Andrewartha (49) of Parc Wartha Estate, Penzance writes in: Dear Doc Pengelly, My 'usbant used they Veeagra tablets you sent we las' month fer £2,500. We 'ave used all but one of the 12 tablets and they ebbent 'elped 'im withis little problem, which duh remain as little as ever. We took the las' one down Peasgoods in the town and the chemist there said they was jes' Aspirin. I do bleeve you sent we the wrong bottle.
Doc Pengelly responds: Dear Agnes, I'm sum sorry bowt the mix up with they pills. 'Es my ansum, I do bleeve you're right and we can put that right dubble quick. Jes' put a cheque fer £3,000 in the post fer me and I'll send ee they pills.
Loveday Polkinghorne (21) of Treeve Farm, Hayle, writes in:
Dear Doc Pengelly, I am very worried. I came in to see you three months ago bowt my ingrown toenail and you saw me thirteen times with a different expert each time (though they all seemed to wear the same mac). Then you gibbed me that special lotion to wash my foot in and said it'd all be cleared up no problem in 8 weeks. Well, nuthin's changed and I kent afford no more lotion at £75 a litre
Doc Pengelly responds: Dear Loveday, well, my bird, You doan av tuh worry. I'll sort 'un out fer ee. Bucket a sea water is jest as good. Pop down to the bay, fill up the container from the sea and we wain't say numore about'n.
Captain Johnnie Rearguard-Action of Shag's Nest, Nanjizel writes in: Sir, I write on behalf of my gardener, Derek Tonkin, who came to your consulting rooms to seek help in respect of a nasty chest cold he had contracted, whilst doing some nude gardening with my wife last winter. Apparently you have prescribed him 40 Capstan Full strength . How could you be so irresponsible? Everyone knows that Craven A is recommended for people with sore throats.
Doc Pengelly responds: Sir, I take issue with you strongly on that point. There is no medical evidence whatsoever to suggest that there is any difference in smoking Capstan Full Strength, Craven A, or even Woodbines. What is required is that the respiratory system is suitably 'fumigated' throughout the day. Forty cigarettes daily should do the job nicely. However, for pregnant women, a minimum of sixty cigarettes a day is recommended. (Nursing mothers can receive the cigarettes on prescription.) I trust that you are not suggesting that your gardener contracted pregnancy during his nude gardening stint! I am content to remain with my original diagnosis in respect of Mr Tonkin.
Napoleon Bonaparte (Emperor of the French, King of Italy, etc, etc) of Les Invalides, Paris, writes in: Sir, you have l'honneur of receiving your second letter from me. In my first epistle, I offered you Sardinia in exchange for a effective means of combatting my receding hair. That was four weeks ago and I 'ave receive no reply! This does not make me 'appy. You 'ave two days before you receive visit from the Garde Imperiale.
Doc Pengelly responds: Sir, Having consulted your medical records, it appears that you have been in a state of confirmed death for the last 187 years. Most hair-loss remedies are known to be efficacious, if at all, only ante mortem and I know of none for which claims can be made post mortem. However, you may just try coating your head in fresh horse manure each night for fourteen days. This may well work. If I receive the keys for Sardinia in the post, I shall know that we have succeeded.
LONELY HEARTS THAT YEARN FOR YOU
The Roundup has achieved enormous success in bringing together lonely people who are looking for love in West Cornwall.
Indeed, following the international attention the Roundup has received after its perceptive coverage of the Eurovision Song Contest, it may well be that some of our international readers might like to make contact with some of the special people we present today.
We do also invite international readers to view our older posts covering such interesting items as politics with insightful articles on Bush/Putin, Sarkozy and with special focuses on foreign embassies in Relubbus ; culture with a particular emphasis on poetry and music; and a host of other fascinating offerings including our famous FREE dating facility - Lonely Hearts. Don't forget to POST A COMMENT before you go.
We make no charge for our Lonely Hearts service and simply regard its free provision as being another hallmark of socially responsible journalism. Here are some more folk who are looking for love... from you?
Willy Bosiddick (32) is a well-known milkman from Rosudgeon, the gay capital of West Cornwall. Despite living in this "den of Sodom", as it has been designated by a succession of Methodist fundamentalist preachers, Willy is firmly heterosexual in orientation. He is, in fact, also married with 7 children. Having been married to the same person since the age of 16, he now wishes to experiment further, though only with willing single women, as he fervently insists, revealing a concealed poetic bent, "Despite coming from 'ere (Rosudgeon), I ain't bleddy queer!"
Willy insisted on being photographed wearing this papier mache head so that his wife, Rosemary, wouldn't recognise him. As he says "If she duh see this and duh knaw i's me, I'll get bleddy 'ell." We did try to warn him... Ladies, if you are interested in a man who claims to be the soul of discretion itself, then Box 5682 is the one for you.
Horton Baragwaneth (29) is a fully qualified dentist with his own surgery in Zennor. Horton is a sensitive man, who was badly hurt by an affair some years ago with a girl who worked in the Warrens shop in Market Jew Street. Having been single for some years now -- after his unfortunate affair -- Horton is ready to try again with someone who could share the interests he has acquired in the interim.
Horton is a collector. He has never thrown a tooth away and now has 1,769 samples, all labelled. Branching our from dentistry, he also has one of the largest stool samples in West Cornwall, thanks to the specially adapted patients' toilet in his surgery. He eagerly admits that he is only 27 away from his first 1,000 in this collection. Ladies, if you would like to share Horton's life and his collections, write in to Box 4571.
Irene Upton O'Good (42) is an Irish potter working in Sancreed. Irene took up pottery during her second stretch in prison. Shy about past achievements, she will not say what she was in for, beyond saying that "it will be the last time that bastard ever screws another woman". She is a member of the Sancreed branch of Pyromaniacs Anonymous.
A gifted virtuoso castanets player, Irene is devoted to developing her artistic side. She does not wish to return to prison and is therefore looking for a quiet relationship with a man (or woman, a taste acquired in prison) who can offer a home to her and her thirty two pet weasels. Box 7629
Terry/Teri Angwin (25) is a tranvestite electrician from Hayle. A bearded, 25 stone, club-footed hulk of a man, he is able -- in the evenings -- to transform himself into the dream young woman on the left and assumes the name Teri.
Terry plays in the back row for the Cornish Pirates rugby team, none of whom know about his feminine side, although Terry tells us that he had a hot night with one of them when he had put on his make-up to become Teri. Clearly a complex character, Terry/Teri would like a relationship with an understanding man, who would accept Terry's life as an electrician and a rugby player. Box 5683
Madron Pengelly (56) is a butcher from St Just, who was divorced from his second wife just a year ago, after she discovered him in the cellar with their Labrador dog.
Madron is a keen member of the Old Cornwall Society, a member also of two different male choirs, and is a bellringer. He still plays with the Meccano set he received as boy of ten and enjoys all card and board games.
He is pictured here with his organ, his favourite possession, and would like to find someone new in his life who will enjoy his organ as much as he does. As a bachelor he lives on shop pasties and Jelbert's ice cream. His dream will be complete if he can find "a good woman, 'oo can cook proper!" Box 5673
Gaspar Ruiz (76) is a former Cardinal from the USA, who retired to Cornwall following certain allegations. Conspicuous in Tremethick Cross because he still wears all the regalia of his former office, Gaspar is on orders to keep a low profile. He has joined the local Men's knitting circle and has also joined the queue for a place in the Tregavarah Bowls Club.
A keen pipe smoker -- getting through two tins of Dunhill's Early Morning pipe tobacco each day -- Gaspar is keen to form a pipe-smoking club in Tremethick Cross. He is keen to hear from anyone -- man or woman -- who would like to join his club. He would be particularly keen to hear from anyone else in Tremethick Cross who wears -- or would like to wear -- clerical garb like him. Box 5734.
PENDEEN MAN WINS CARN GLOOSE LOTTERY
The surprise winner of this year's internationally-famed annual Carn Gloose Lottery can now be revealed to be none other than Pendeen man, Simon Jacka (37).
Mr Jacka, pictured here with his huge cheque following the presentation at the Newlyn Deep Sea Fishermen's Mission, accompanied by some rapidly-appearing and ever hopeful female admirers (all of whom work in the Newlyn Kwop), said that he had bought his £5 ticket some three months ago and then promptly forgot all about it.
"When I 'eard they numbers comin' up on Radio Kernow, it sounded a bit familiar. I 'ad plum fergot I 'ad that ticket, but when I 'eard they numbers, I pulled un out and couldn' bleeve I'd won the bleddy thing!"
Literally tens of tickets are sold throughout the year to hopefuls, who all have their eye on the big prize. This year the winning ticket brings Mr Jacka the princely sum of £341.95. Mr Jacka (42) is single and works over St Erth Creamery as a cleaner. He has, over the years, acquired a reputation as something of a gambling playboy on the West Cornwall scene and can often be seen down the Mecca Bingo, but a win on this scale was beyond his wildest dreams
Mr Jacka (39) plays trombone in Pendeen band and came 5th in the sack race in his penultimate year at primary school. His mother, Lizzie (96), who lives nearby in an old folks' home, was over the moon.
"Now ee've won 'is fortune, all ee duh want now is to settle down with sum nice li'l maid", she said.
The nice little maids in the picture are from the left Rowena Pascoe (18, cheese counter), Olive Pengelly (21, bacon counter), Avril Pearce (23, fruit and vegetables) and Lavinia Andrewartha (19, till). Unfortunately, when the girls realised that the winnings were £341.95 and not £341,950, they disappeared as quickly as they came.
ADVERTISEMENT
RELUBBUS AIRWAYS ARE PROUD TO ANNOUNCE THE RE-INTRODUCTION OF THEIR POPULAR "SELECTOR" FLIGHTS
Relubbus Airways, "the people's choice" airline, with scheduled daily return flights from Relubbus International airport to St Just airport, Newquay, and Wellington in New Zealand, has succumbed to enormous public pressure and is re-introducing its hugely popular, but controversial, "Selector" flights.
Pictured on the left is the Merlin turbo-prop nine-seater, manufactured by the Cornish Aircraft Corporation (CAC) at Rosudgeon, that will be used for the flights, which are regarded as the ultimate thrill in air travel.
The Selector is a variant of musical chairs with one crucial difference. Passengers are secured into their seats with hand and ankle cuffs. When safely airborne, the Selector is switched on. Stirring music is heard -- vigorously hummed or whistled by the pilot. A light on top of the headrest of each seat is illuminated -- one after the other. When the music stops, the occupant of the illuminated seat is "selected" and receives a 150,000 volts electric shock.
In an atmosphere of ever growing suspense, up to three selections can be made per flight.
One of the survivors from the last flight in June last year commented, "You just don't know suspense till you've been on a Selector -- it could be curtains for you! You feel so relieved when you are one of the last six, who will touch down, but then you can't wait to get up there again for that special buzz!"
Selector flights will start next week from Relubbus International and will cost £8500 per person. Special rates for "Get the Groom" stag parties!! Tel. Relubbus 456830
Issue 5, 18th June 2007
CAMILLA: SHOCKING REVELATIONS
Shown on the left is "Camilla" (not her real name), who has convinced large sections of the English media that she is an aristocrat -- namely, the "Duchess of Cornwall". While practising this deceit she is often seen in the company of a rangey, gormless-looking individual with a strange accent who claims to be the "Duke of Cornwall".
We put "Camilla"'s claims to famed Cornish historian, Dr. A.L. Prowse, who debunked them in typically forthright style:
"Her claims are patently false, since legally Cornwall has been a republic, with its own Parliament (latterly conveniently unrecognized by the English), since the Middle Ages. The last independent king of Cornwall was Hywel, in the 9th century A.D."
In fact, the Roundup can now reveal that "Camilla" is none other than Lily Nichols, a bag-lady from Perranuthnoe, who is well known throughout West Penwith. In former years, her stock-in-trade was to beg, tearfully, gullible-looking tourists in Penzance to "lend" her £2, so that she could catch the "Rapide" to visit a dangerously ill relative in Truro hospital. A couple of hours later, she could usually be seen staggering out of the First and Last, sometimes unaided.
Lily has clearly advanced in her chosen profession and the Roundup wishes her well. The downside to her success, as she candidly admitted to us, is that she can no longer work in her beloved Cornwall, where her preposterous claims would be ridiculed. However, as she says, "the pickings are richer over the border!"
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"I AM THE RE-INCARNATION OF HENRY VIII"!
Miss Tamazine Retallack (28), of Leskinnick Terrace, Penzance, is a quiet unassuming local girl, who has so far avoided publicity of any sort. A Sunday School teacher at Mount Street Methodist Church, she believes in a life of total abstinence.
Her only weaknesss is her fondness for fresh air, which she indulges by "air-surfing". Invented by herself, this consists of running around isolated beauty spots in the nude, "letting the air take me". In this possibly dangerous pursuit, she has been protected by her father, who stands guard and collects viewing charges from any gentlemen who happen on the scene by chance.
Last Monday, Miss Retallack shocked her employers by using a megaphone to announce to all patrons of the Library present at the time that she was, in fact, none other than the re-incarnation of King Henry VIII.
Miss Retallack is now being examined at the Barncoose Hospital for the irrevocably confused. Doctors tell us that Miss Retallack’s stay could be a long one.
MILLIONAIRE ROSUDGEON RECLUSE (62) SEEKS YOUNG WIFE FOR CHILDBEARING
Rosudgeon recluse, Jasper Behenna, has emerged into the light of day after withdrawing himself from society for the past 25 years. He has declared to the village his intention of finding a suitable young woman to marry so that the world will not be denied the chance of having living replicas of his ownestimable self.
Mr Behenna has lived with only his collection of goats for company for the past quarter century. Inevitably, he has become particularly attached to certain of his animals over the years and he has made it clear that his new wife -- whoever she may be - must accept the close bond he has forged with Henry, his ram.
Henry is an accomplished xylophone player and enjoys a glass of cider in the evenings when nestling down with Jasper. "I am sure that some young lady out there will appreciate an easy life of loving and giving with Henry and myself", says Jasper.
Roundup unmasks member of St Buryan Music Combo!
A perplexing cloak of mystery surrounds the new music combo that has taken West Penwith by storm in recent weeks, Their greatest moment was their performance last week before a packed crowd of 9 people at St John's Hall in Penzance. As they always appear in make-up and clown outfits, no one has a clue who they could be -- or didn't before the newshounds of the Roundup got on the case. We can now reveal that the double bass player is none other than Larson Trevaskis, who, as reported in this paper, appeared before Bodmin magistrates last year on several counts of interfering with animals. Mr Trevaskis (45) of Chyangwens, Boswedden Lane, St Just, lost his job with the RSPCA as a result. Mr Trevaskis would not comment today on the Roundup’s unmasking of his new musical persona. Investigations continue as to the identity of the other players. Watch this space.
LOCAL DOCTOR IN SEX SCANDAL
The West Cornwall medical world was rocked by revelations made by a Ludgvan housewife, Mrs Everelda Fidock (57), about a leading Relubbas physician, Dr Jeremiah Tonkin.
Mother of 12 Mrs Fidock (left) attended Dr Tonkin’s surgery to seek his help following persistent attacks of flatulence over a period of 5 days."I tried everything myself to try and shift ‘un, but I jes couldn' stop fartin'. The las' straw was las' Sunday when I was up Chapel. The Minister asked we to pause fer silent reflection. It went on fer minutes and I felt a belter comin' on. I squeezed and shuffled, but couldn shut n off. Then out it came, like a blast from a git foghorn. I never bin so embarrassed, didn' know where to look. Everyone looked at me, so I felt I 'ad to say something and I said "I’m sorry about coughing so loud. I’m goin' straight up to Dr Tonkin’s tomorrow to sort n out."
Respected, but somewhat eccentric physician, Dr Tonkin (pictured on the left) has acquired a reputation for his sometimes unorthodox approach to diagnosis. In Mrs Fidock's case, Dr Tonkin insisted on cutting away the patient's clothing until she was entirely naked, as a prelude to various intimate examinations of several hours duration. Eventually, he was able to conclude that Mrs Fidock had a "gippy tummy", for which he prescribed aspirin accompanied by vigorous press-ups. Various other female patients of the Relubbus surgery have now come forward to make similar allegations of impropriety in respect of Dr Tonkin. The doctor has remained steadfastly quiet in the face of these rumblings of discontent. A co-opted member of the Greater Relubbus Urban Council (GRUC) , Dr Tonkin continues to enjoy the full support of the council, according to Councillor Billy Spargo. POLICE NOTICE: HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MAN?
Police are on the lookout for a hardened member of the West Penwith criminal community and ask the public to report him on sight. The man, pictured here on the left, is Jimmy "Boots bag" Dash. Wanted for eleven robbery attempts (all failed), the latest of which took place last Saturday at Spiegelhalter’s in Causewayhead, Penzance, Dash is believed to have slipped into the underworld of Crows an Wra.LONELY HEARTS
Alfonso Trembath, 37, of Tremethick Cross, wishes to meet a young lady who will share his life of derring do. Alfonso believes that he is Zorro. However, now that the police have taken away his swords and have him under close 24-hour observation, they believe that he is relatively safe to remain in the community.
Pictured at home, wearing his favourite indoor hat and cloak and clutching the remains of a takeaway rat in a brown paper bag, Alfonso looks forward to his advert resulting in a string of intimacies with young ladies -- possibly and hopefully simultaneously. Hidden in the picture is Alfonso’s bedridden 78 year old mother, Bathsheba, whose head and upper body have been covered in an old carpet for the photo. Alfonso expects that the new lady of his life will also become a carer for his mother, thus relieving him of a burden to which his mental challenges render him unequal. Box 3067
Abdul al Islamiye al Qabar al Pendeen (48) is a lonely man. Living on the outskirts of Pendeen, Abdul cannot remember how he came to leave his native Saudi Arabia to live in Cornwall, where, for the past 30 years, he has lived most unhappily alone. Entirely content in his career as a bus conductor for Western National, where he specialised in the Penzance- St Just route, he finds that his non-professional life does not live up to expectations.
"I have no wife to share me, there is it no mosque in Pendeen, no Muslim social club. I spit on your pubs and loose women, who do not cover it up themselves. Cornwall is it soon to be all Muslim -- all women cover it. I close it all pubs, make all speak Arabic. I introduce it Sharia law throughout whole Pendeen and whole Cornwall. I make it all you suffer for it you laugh at me. [There is no box number for this ad as Abdul does not seek a woman from outside his community. He merely wishes to use these columns to make his feelings known. Ed]
Derick Penberthy (42) of Ludgvan is a farm labourer with a profound love of the natural world. Known locally as "frying pan", because of the frying pan he has clutched in his right hand since the age of 6, he is still able to complete all the jobs his employer tasks him with, using his left hand alone. Derick lives -- alone -- in a hedge on the Relubbus road and is looking for someone with whom he can share those tender moments that characterise the love between two people. Any women who see in Derick the challenge they have been waiting for are invited to write in to Box 3456.
Benjy Trewern (38) describes himself as "one o' they execeetive posh types, what duh earn lotsa money". Benjy lives in the Nanjizel home for the dangerously disturbed. He spends his busy days in the dissection of any living things that cross his path, with rats being a special treat. Benjy isn’t really allowed to associate with people outside the home without two male warders present. However, having now weaned himself off his obsession with Baby Spice, he is open to approaches from other women. Any young ladies with qualifications and experience in handling the dangerously disturbed and who believe that they can already see the light of a big potential love shining from Benjy’s eyes are asked to write to Box 5623.
Lucretia Bolitho (28) likes fun, fun and more fun. A happy-go-lucky waitress from the Newlyn Meadery, Lucretia was the All-Cornwall Tiddlywinks champion in 2005, and also holds a record for underwater ironing. She is sad that she has never had a boyfriend before ("someone to share some jokes and fun with!") and is now ready to rumba with the right man.
Lucretia is doing an Open University degree in Clowning and has lodged a patent on her own whoopee cushion invention, using her own captured wind. She is seeking a young man who will share her interests and make her laugh. Box 4981.
Violet Tregonning (54) is a solicitor from Copperhouse, Hayle. Violet has varied interests, ranging from Bible study classes, to singing in the chapel choir, to Sunday School mistress. She is a keen member of the Old Cornwall Society and collects money for the British Heart Foundation and the Liberal Club. She is also a lifelong member of the RSPB. Following the recent unfortunate passing away of her sister, Violet now lives alone. She would now like to explore sharing her life with a man.
She has a particular interest in finding out more about the Kama Sutra, which she believes to be an oriental exercise book and would also like to try breakdancing. Lovestruck Romeos are asked to write in to Box 6730.
IN THE NEXT BUMPER ISSUE
- EXCLUSIVE: Bush and Putin to set up home in Relubbus!
- Sugar "hopping mad" as Relubbus TV steals his ratings
- Camilla loses it! How her true identity was almost revealed!
- Relubbus man's around-the-world balloon flight attempt
- Roy Orbison spotted in TESCO!
- Report on the Tibetan Embassy in Relubbus
- Explosive interview with Parmenus Jelbart, Chairman of the Tregeseal IAQS
- Vickery sacked by Relubbus RFC!
- "Your Stars", with guest astrologer Swami Bhindra Conumdrum
- Our socially-responsible "Lonely Hearts" column: find that special someone
- And much, much more!
