NEWS ROUNDUP

Ayatollah to buy Morvah shock

Waves of horror, fear, tension and suspense have swept the mainly Methodist-populated hamlet of Morvah, as rumours went around that the Ayatollah Mukhmadji was going to buy up Morvah and the surrounding land, with options on the female inhabitants as wives and concubines and on the male population as eunuch farmers. 

Police Constable Arnold Uren, after painstaking detective work, finally tracked down the instigator of the rumours as none other than the local Co-op milkman, Wilfie Rosewarne (43), (shown on the left) originally a Camborne man. 

Rosewarne, lovestruck with a local woman, thought that such stories might persuade his wavering sweetheart, Edie Harris (48), a Morvah woman and God-fearing Chapel piano-player, into marrying him and settling down with him in his caravan at Eastern Green.

Constable Uren (56), an experienced officer originally from Heamoor, married with two grown up children both locally employed, brought the sheepish Wilfie into the local school to explain his little ruse to the people of Morvah.

Miss Harris was present and broke down in front of the angry crowd, who were restrained from wreaking their vengeance upon Wilfie by the Police reinforcement who had by then cycled in from New Mill to aid PC Uren.

Rosewarne escaped preferring of charges and has emigrated back to Camborne. Mr Ayatollah Mukhmadji (78) (shown left), a resident of the holy city of Qom, was not available for comment here today.

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Knockout Hit for Boskenwal and Tregadgwith Dramatic Society!
Review by Literary Editor Emily Bindweed
Saturday night was yet another huge success for the merged Boskenwal Gay Drama Group and Tregadgwith Methodists’ Young Women’s Drama Group. Now known as "the Queens", the new group is storming round West Penwith, pulling in crowds of sometimes double figures with its own version of An Inspector Calls.

In the picture are shown, from the left, Prudence Pengilly, 25, from Rosemodrass; Ariminta Trenoweth, 29, from Trevorgans; Hester Lawry, 23, from Bosanketh; Jimmy Oppy, 26, from Tregiffian; Berzillai Curnow, 31, from Noonzeras; Samuel Lugg, 32, from Chegwidden; Tamazine Roskilly, 28, from Sparnon; Bathsheba Trezise, 29, from Cardinney and Drusilla Trevorrian, 28, from Bosliven.

Jimmy Oppy, who plays the inspector, has managed to make his stammer an additional and entirely unexpected weapon of suspense, with dramatic pauses of sometimes 10 full minutes between the start of a sentence and its end. Meanwhile, Drusilla Trevorrian has stolen the heart of many a young man in the audience through the floods of tears that precede her frequent announcement that "I kent remember my words!"

What the play lacks in pace and professionalism is more than compensated for by the naked fear of the cast and their visible desperation to simply get to the end. Indeed this fear adds yet another spur of excitement, as one tries to work out which cast member, for it is not clear, is dogged with the incontinence problem that causes puddles to appear around the stage.

The director, Mathew Carkeek (48) of Chyangwens, is hoping to transfer the play to the West End stage. The Roundup will be with them every step of the way.

Planning news

New Eurostar Terminus for St Erth
Pictured on the left is the newly-refurbished St Erth Eurostar terminus, which will connect Relubbus to Paris and Brussels.

The new service, which will begin in the autumn, has already caused something of a stir. Each day, there will be five trains from St Erth to both Paris and Brussels. However, the Greater Relubbus Urban Council (GRUC) has decided that only one train a week will stop at London, obliging London-based travellers to catch the Cornishman down to St Erth to make the connection on to Paris or Brussels.

Watch this space for further developments!

Passed Ovver (Obituaries)

Welcome to the ever-popular "'Oo’s Dead?" section of the Roundup!

JOYCE TREVASKIS

The Roundup must sadly report that Joyce Trevaskis has passed on, aged 98. Pictured here in her glory days in the 1930s as Miss Gulval Churchtown, when she still had two legs, Joyce was a colourful character. Never married, she retired only last year from her chosen career of prostitution.

As "the big-hearted pro who never says no", Joycie will be missed by the generations of Gulval men and boys who availed themselves of her generous services. An innovative woman, she operated her own dividend stamp scheme and was one of the first to take credit cards and to advertise on the net.

She also operated a home delivery service and it was whilst speeding down Gulval hill on her bike on such a mission in her early forties that her brakes failed and she crashed badly, losing her left leg. Doughty to the last, she didn’t let this stop her. She became a well-known sight as a one-legged cycling "home delivery" tart, wearing her hallmark feathered hat.

There will be a service of remembrance for Joyce at Gulval Church on Wednesday at 3.00pm. Early attendance is advised if one is to get a seat.

OUTRAGE OVER COST OF NEW LAMORNA BUS SHELTER!!

Council Leader Accused of Condoning "Unjustifiable Expense"
By Planning Correspondent Rendell Janner

Yesterday's meeting of the Greater Relubbus Urban District Council (GRUC) was the scene of vitriolic exchanges between Councillor Pascoe Trembath and Council Leader Billy Spargo, as the former accused the latter of condoning reckless spending in the case of the new Lamorna Cove bus shelter, pictured below.

The new shelter cost some £24.5 million and took two years to construct. It is highly ornate and accordingly somewhat different from the usual Western National bus shelter.

Mr Spargo stated forcefully that the structure would add to the appeal of Lamorna Cove and that its construction had kept good Cornishmen in employment over the two year period.

Mr Spargo also pointed out that the construction company concerned was a start-up company -- Relubbus Erections -- run by two Relubbus boys just out of school, one being the nephew of Mr Spargo's wife. How much more Cornish could one get than that?

It is not only the outside of the building that is so highly ornate. Inside too, it is a delight to the eye: the interior, which was separately priced, cost an additional £24.5 million.

The shelter, which can accommodate a queue of some 400, has a strong religious theme. We show here the corner of the building which houses the high altar. The shelter will be manned by two priests, who will hold services and take confession whilst passengers wait for the once-weekly bus service to Penzance to arrive.

Councillor Trembath worked himself up to a fit of fury as he spat out one "bleddy" after another in righteous indignation over the level of expenditure.

Councillor Spargo, a wily veteran of angry exchanges in the chamber, himself grew visibly more and more annoyed by the high-pitched squealing emanating from his Council colleague. But then, like an elephant demolishing a beetle with a deliberate plodding foot, he called out to Councillor Trembath what must be the ultimate put-down, "Asshole, you duh think you're so smuckin' fart!"

As the council chamber dissolved into a wash of helpless laughter at this display of original wit, the crestfallen Trembath picked himself up from his chair and silently dragged himself from the chamber -- a defeated man.

CORNWALL TO BE RENAMED!

The Roundup reveals the shocking truth about English plans for Cornwall
By Political Correspondent Rendell Janner

Following a recent Roundup report about the use of English Heritage as a tool for the Anglicisation of the Cornish, this newspaper has succeeded in obtaining details of a secret and shocking plan to eradicate Cornwall as we know it.

It is our duty to publish details of this dastardly plan. It will doubtless raise the fear temperature in Kernow to levels never reached before. It should also cause every right-thinking Cornish person to stand up and resist this looming evil, which is already well upon us.

The plan -- known in UK Government circles as Marina -- sees the indigenous Cornish gradually moved out by force of economic migration. The origins of the plan can be traced back many years to an unlikely collaboration between Winston Churchill and Sir Billy Butlin, in an objective called Holiday Camp Cornwall. In the original plan, the Cornish were merely to be turned into workers in England's largest holiday camp, in order to provide some dim lights of gaiety in gloomy 1950s Britain.

During the Thatcher years, this plan -- as did many others -- took on dark and sinister characteristics in the clammy, dead-hand grip of the funereally-smiling Home Secretary, Michael Howard, shown left.

Project Marina -- represented on his desk by a little fishing boat called Kernow, which he often fondled whilst hatching his chilling plans for the Cornish and others -- contains a number of key objectives.

The attainment of these goals has been consistently pursued by the upper echelons of the English Civil service and each of their political masters ever since. They are:

1) Tax breaks will be offered to people in the South East, earning more than £250,000 a year, who wish to buy a house in Cornwall for occasional holiday use only. No stamp duty will apply in such cases and purchasers will be able to offset the entire purchase against income tax.

2) The impact of point 1 will make it even more difficult for the Cornish to buy homes in their own land. As more and more homes are given over to occasional use, the necessary infrastructure to support local life (schools and medical services) will collapse. This will drive the Cornish out to the re-settlement areas in the brownfield sites of former industrial Northern England, which await them and the rest of the poor not fit to live in the South.

3) Social Housing will remain for some of the Cornish, since some menials will be required to service the needs of the rich, who will make infrequent, but loving, use of our land.

4) All Cornish names should gradually be replaced by full-blooded English names, such as Smallhampton for Truro and Holyhead instead of the alien-sounding "Penzance", so that English people can feel more at home. At the very end of the process, the name "Cornwall" should itself be replaced by the English-sounding West Wessex.

That is Project Marina. Already, all over Cornwall there are signs of development projects that are designed to benefit -- not the indigenous Cornish -- but those who are destined to take their place in West Wessex.

One such development project is that for the marina complex in the former Penlee Quarry between Newlyn and Mousehole, which will house yachts costing hundreds of thousands of pounds and offer dwellings (for part-time use, of course) at similarly high prices.

Clearly such amenities are not for the locals, who earn on average £13,000 annually, if they are lucky. This is just one of many projects designed to take Cornwall from its people, like taking a mother from her baby, and offer it to those who can pay, just like offering that mother to those who can pay.

The Roundup cornered the Press Officer of the Government Office of the South West, Mr Heinrich Zap-Kernow, as he made his way to Madam Zarah Strict for his weekly therapy visit. He tried to calm growing Cornish fears about loss of identity and indeed of homeland.

Mr Zap-Kernow, who only recently changed his name from Zap-Poland in an attempt to please the Cornish, stated that:

"The people of Cornwall, or West Wessex as it will shortly be known, have no need to fear the loss of their homeland, since, in the future, literally anyone with the necessary funds (income of £250,000 or disposable assets of £1 million) will be able to purchase a home in Cornwall -- and even live in it all year round, if they can tear themselves away from London and Waitrose for long enough. Quite frankly I can't see what all the fuss is about."

The Roundup feels that it is high time that the Cornish realise what is happening to Cornwall. Be alert, watch closely, analyse the changing elements, sharpen your wits and tongue, and speak out for Cornwall!

Editor

NEW ZOO PROPOSED UP TRENGWAINTON

By our local Trengwainton correspondent, Horton Tregarthen
Following the successful planning application to site 20,000 caravans on St. Michael's Mount, the Cornish National Trust Committee 'ave now instructed its local property managers to come up with modernisation plans to increase the number of visitors at Trengwainton Gardens. At present there are more 'volunteer' stewards than there are visitors.

The National Trust committee for Heamoor 'ave today left on a week long business trip to meet Billy Spargo, the top Relubbus consultant on zoo design and animal care.

These 365 locally elected residents in the Trengwainton Gardens area (under the leadership of vocal local yokel, Tommy Botheras) feel that unless they duh bring in some new ideas then the attraction of viewing plain-looking plants will cease and people aren't goin' to come in. ("I aren't, for starters!", said Mr Botheras.)

Greater Relubbus Urban Council (GRUC) Chairman Billy Spargo has instructed that the 365 Heamoor residents be accommodated in the luxurious (one bathroom on each floor and as much toilet paper as you can use!) 1000 room Relubbus Hilton hotel.

The Committee's initial thoughts are that visits should be "a bit spiced up" by letting loose some 50 lions and 5,000 poisonous snakes in the grounds so that the visitors are guaranteed excitement.

Mr Botheras commented hopefully "Billy Spargo duh reckon that he duh knaw someone down to Goldsithney who duh 'ave 20 Bengal tigers in 'is garden, and ee's going down to chat 'im up to see if they can be put up Trengwainton".

Local Land Agent for the Trust at Trengwainton, Mr Jimmy Von Ribbentrop (whose Uncle Joachim -- shown on the left -- was a regular visitor to the Gardens, before he got strung up at Nuremberg), duh reckon that the membership will grow once the word gets around. He duh think that it will be particularly attractive to the Battlefield residents of Penzance when they duh knaw that they can hand feed real wild animals when taking their dogs out for a walk.

Miss Tryphena Spargo-Spargo, the local reporter monitoring the proposed development, has been heard to say that her Uncle Billy from over to Relubbus is "sum bleddy excited" about the scheme, "even after they NT buggers done the dirty on the Council with caravans at St. Michael's Mount".

'BLUEWATER'-STYLE DEVELOPMENT FOR NEWLYN

By Newlyn correspondent Horton Tregarthen

Following recent lengthy discussions on the subject within the Greater Relubbus Urban Council (GRUC), it has now come to light that the National Trust no longer wishes to pursue the idea of a Bluewater-style development on St. Michael's Mount. Apparently, it is felt that such a development would not, after all, be in keeping with the conservation aims of the Trust.

Some might, therefore, find it surprising that the Trust has decided to grant Reynolds Homes on Wheels permission to site some 20,000 caravans on the Mount. The Director General of the National Trust, ex pin-up model and page three girl, voluptuous Fiona Reynolds, was not available for comment when the Roundup attempted to discuss the subject in a reversed charges call.

However, when one door closes, another often opens and that has indeed been the case with the "Bluewater" development. In a surprise move, the Wherrytown Urban Council, under the inspired leadership of His Excellency the very Reverend Lord Beachfield, has offered the Bluewater management a site at Newlyn Green. Given the comparative shortage of parking around what is now known as the boating pool, some might doubt the chances of success for an 80 megastore development in the area. However, Lord Beachfield himself, when questioned on the subject, dismissed such observations with an angry wave of the hand: "There's plenty of parking for 30,000 cars up Chywoone Hill -- open your eyes, man!"

Lord Beachfield's secretary, Mr Donnington Rowe, who himself lives up Chywoone hill, amplified his Lordship's comments by explaining that the boating pool will be drained to enable the erection of a substantial 18-storey car park there. Whilst some locals have spoken out against the possibility of any such substantial erection in the area, it would seem that the majority are unmoved by the news, whilst a few, notably Mrs Agnes Daniel (94), positively welcome the idea.

The plans are at an advanced stage. The picture on the left shows the boating pool and nearby houses -- all of which will disappear before September of this year as foundations are laid for the car park.

The picture on the right shows the design of the new shoppers' bridge that will span the current main road, which will be flooded to the sea. In fact the sea between here and Newlyn harbour will be contained behind a new 200-metre-high sea wall, creating a lake. The megastores will be sited in the 'lake' and shoppers will journey from one destination to the next via gondola, therby creating a neat little sideline for Newlyn fishermen.

The considerable cost of this development -- believed to amount to something the wrong side of £500 million -- will be borne by Wherrytown rate payers, until retailers can be persuaded to come in to rent the premises.

Miss Tryphena Spargo-Spargo has indicated that her Uncle Billy (leader of the GRUC) is not a happy man at present. Having favoured the Bluewater-style development of St Michael's Mount, he now feels somewhat cheated by "that bleddy NT", whose plans for the caravanisation of the Mount seem to be merely copying and potentially spoiling GRUC's plans for the caravanisation of Mount Relubbus. He is further angered by "they buggers at Wherrytown and that stiuck-up arse 'ole Beachfield", who have lured the retail development around to their side of Mounts Bay.

An interesting situation will present itself tomorrow evening when guests of honour at the Sunday service of the Alexandra Road Methodist Chapel (just opposite Penzance's first lesbian B&B) will be none other than Lord Beachfield and Billy Spargo. Watch this space!
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BYPASS FOR ST. MICHAEL'S MOUNT!

PLANNING NEWS
Shock Plans for a bypass over St. Michael's Mount unveiled today
By guest reporter Horton Tregarthen


Greater Relubbus Urban Council (GRUC) today put on show to the public the recently emergency-approved plans for the new Marazion bypass, which is, controversially, routed via St. Michael's Mount. The GRUC's Department of Transport, whose 96-storey building looms ominously over its neighbours in Ludgvan, announced that the new 8-lane highway will be known as the M2001.

Local resident Mr Lord Tommy St. Levan commented that the new road "will be proper for me to git home early from Safeway". Mr St Levan works as a trolley stacker in the Safeway car park.

However, other local residents have pointed out a potentially fatal flaw in the bypass plan, arising from the fact that the Channel will flood the new highway twice a day. Departmental spokeswoman Miss Ethel Bolitho laughingly dismissed these concerns by pointing out that the highway would be closed to traffic for several hours a day "till ee duh dry up a bit". She then amended this statement to say that the highway would have to be raised on a bridge (to bring it roughly to a level with the castle, through which it will pass).

Long Rock councillor Master Billy Bolitho reacted to this news with a considered statement to the effect that "my bleddy Enty is nuts. They want to 'ave a tunnel -- that'll keep the traffic moving".

The National Trust, owners of the treasured historic landmark that is St Michael's Mount, have insisted on certain minimal provisions to protect this glorious jewel of our Cornish heritage. They have insisted that the highway shall incorporate flowerbeds and magnolia trees along the central reservation. They have also advertised for volunteer stewards to keep a look out for non-members gaining access to the highway, which passes through the Mount's ancient chapel. "If they duh want t' cum through ‘ere, they duh ‘ave to be members!", stated an insistent Trencrom Polglaze of the Cornish National Trust.

LATE NEWS
Roundup informant Miss Tryphena Spargo-Spargo-Spargo, niece of Billy Spargo, the Chairman of GRUC, has stated that when she was last visiting her Uncle Billy she sneaked a view at the latest Council minutes, and that these stated:

"The tollgate machines for the the new bypass are situated 100 feet above ground (or sea, depending upon the tide). At high tide, all cars failing to display a Kernow sticker will be dropped below."

Further news on this to follow.

EURODISNEY RELUBBUS!

PLANNING NEWS
By Planning Correspondent Rendell Janner
A Disney theme park, to be known as Eurodisney Relubbus, is to be built on the slopes of Mount Relubbus. An artist's impression of the iconic Sleeping Beauty's Castle that will dominate the entrance to the park is shown on the left.

Mr Bosustow Trezize, the CEO of Trezize Developments, who will be building the park, said:
"The park will be much larger than Eurodisney Paris. In fact, the Frogs are furious because they expect us to take business from them. We shall be running five special Eurodisney trains from London each day, two each from Berlin and Milan, and even one from Paris! There will also be Eurodisney flights into Relubbus International Airport."

The Greater Relubbus Urban Council (GRUC) Planning Committee gave its approval to the proposals at their meeting on Tuesday, when Chief Planning Officer Bosustow Trezize argued that the site would bring much-needed employment to the area.

This new development will complement and enhance that proposed last year by Trezize Developments, which is presently under construction. The original scheme includes provision for 20,000 caravans on the lower slopes of the mountain, 3 luxury hotels, 7 ski-lifts, 3 helicopter pads, a small airport, a "ring road" encircling the mountain, and an Alpine restaurant.

Committee members opposed to the new scheme -- that is, all of them except the Chief Planning Officer himself -- argued bitterly that the development would ruin forever the wild scenic beauty of the mountain. Unfortunately for them, the rules of the committee (drawn up by CPO Trezize at the committee's inception) stipulate that the vote of the CPO is of equal weight to the combined votes of all the other committee members; and that, in the event of a tie, the CPO has the casting vote. The application was therefore approved.

NEW YEAR ISSUE, 2008. Issue 19, 1st January 2008

FEMALE FUNDAMENTALISTS ARE REVOLTING
WHO'S BEEN A NAUGHTY GIRL THEN?
By Religious and Social Correspondent Rendell Janner

At a recent convention of the Cornish Methodist Golem Pasty makers, one participant has seen fit to break with convention and show her face, despite the terrifying punishments attendant upon any female who dares break convention and show herself.

A Roundup snapper, Archie Treglown, managed to obtain this picture of Loveday Jenkin, wife of leading Golem Methodist, Methuselah Jenkin. She unveiled herself upon leaving the convention location at Richmond Methodist Sunday School.

When queried by the Roundup's terrier photographer as to what might happen to her for contravening the sect's terrifying injunctions on inappropriate female behaviour, Loveday retorted that, "If that arsehole (Methuselah) tries to do anything to me, he'll be squeaking at a higher pitch than a tenor mouse by the time me and my scissors are finished with his knackers!"

This produced a chorus of support along the lines of "Proper Job, that'll learn ‘im" from the other ladies present, although they all wisely decided to remain fully veiled.

Human Rights groups have often railed against the restrictions that extreme Methodists reputedly apply to their women. Since secrecy is so tight amongst these extreme Methodist groups, no one can be entirely sure of their practices, but stories have emerged of routine twice-daily beatings as a matter of course, with additional beatings laid on for "infringements". These latter can encompass a wide range of "unacceptable female behaviour", such as talking, laughing, breathing too loud, poor cooking, inadequate cleaning, insufficient attention to a husband's requirements, failing to guess what the husband wants in any situation, and being female.

Clearly Loveday Jenkin has now issued a challenge to her husband and the Roundup will be pursuing the story to update readers on the outcome of this storm in the extreme Methodist teacup.
EXCLUSIVE: ROY ORBISON IS DEAD
Investigation by Grubber Trevorrow
The Roundup can reveal exclusively that famed American singer-songwriter Roy Orbison is dead. The news will come as a devastating blow to the many thousands of Roy's fans in Relubbus, who had been looking forward with huge anticipation to the opening concert in the singer's world "comeback" tour, which was due to have taken place, in Relubbus, in February.

Roy is shown left posing for surprised fans in Hayle Kwiksave last year, when he paid his second visit to Relubbus in as many months, to finalize the details of the tour.

Roy had been so impressed by the passion and loyalty of his Relubbus fans that he decided to play not one but two gigs in the city; and Relubbus was to have had the distinction of hosting the first and the last of the tour concerts.

In fact, the Roundup can now reveal that Roy Orbison died in 1988. It seems that the "Roy Orbison" who visited Relubbus was an imposter.

In a statement yesterday, Chief Inspector Harold Carne of the Relubbus Constabulary said that Relubbus ex-actress and male impersonator Diadora Ponce, currently a resident in the Barncoose Secure Home for Terminally Confused Ex-Actresses and Male Impersonators, has been interviewed and is likely to be charged with criminally bad impersonation and conspiracy to defraud.

Councillor Billy Spargo confirmed last night that, in a special deal arranged by himself, the Methodist Hall had already been booked for both of "Roy's" Relubbus concerts, and that he was now likely to lose a lot of money. To cater for the expected huge demand for tickets, he had paid up front for extra folding chairs from the WI, he said. Quizzed about refunds for tickets that had been booked in advance, he said that these would be issued "in due course".
SPOTLIGHT ON ALTERNATIVE THERAPIES IN RELUBBUS
By Medical Correspondent Dr Rendell Janner
There is much talk about the efficacy of alternative therapies and many a heated debate has been generated on the topic of their value.

To help our readers form their own opinions, we present here some of the better-known alternative practitioners whose services can be found within Greater Relubbus.

Dentistry

Darren Tregonning (32) is, by day, a sewage treatment plant operative, who thoroughly enjoys his chosen profession. However, in the evenings he indulges his passion for dentistry. He is the only completely free dentist working in the Relubbus area. He takes no fees, as he says that his reward is to be found in the job itself.

Darren is self-trained and enjoys the challenge of "getting by" with the minimum of tools. Specialising in extractions, his favourite tool is the pliers. It is his aim to wrench out the offending tooth with such speed that the client will require no anaesthetic. So keen is he to "pull teeth" that he will come to your home to practice his arts. His mobile phone number is 07886 456722. Call him and he will attend at any time of the evening or night.

Diagnosis -- the vital step before treatment

Doris Penhaul (72) claims to have solved the mystery of many a difficult diagnosis by deploying her most unusual sense of smell. She claims to be able to make accurate diagnoses of every condition simply by examining and sniffing intensely soiled underwear.

Doris needs at least three badly soiled undergarments in order to make a diagnosis and she charges what she describes as a modest fee of £105 per item in order to make the diagnosis. This produces a minimum fee of £315 per patient. To those who feel that this is a high price to pay, Doris issues a simple challenge -- "you stick your nose into a pair of stinking wet pants and see if you like it -- it stays with you for days!" She claims that it is worth every penny to the patient, as she can diagnose every ailment known to man and can even foretell future illnesses. The soiling of the undergarments is achieved by the taking of virulently active home-made laxatives, for which Doris makes an additional charge of £50.

As a responsible reporting organ, we feel that we must share the fact that West Penwith doctors appear not to share Doris’ opinion that she can diagnose every condition. Dr Trencrom Polglaze of Newlyn pointed out that the only condition Doris seemed to be able to diagnose with unerring accuracy was diarrhoea.

Tasty Jennifer Tonkin (27) of Newlyn, is, apart from being a bit of all right, a dab hand both at crystal ball gazing and at reading tarot cards. The Cornish cutie claims that deployment of her scrying skills can lead to ready diagnosis of trickier, hard-to-find conditions.

Jennifer, who smells sweet and is very easy on the eye, can be found at her caravan in the Combe. Although someone with her looks should be paid very much more for time in her most fragrant presence, Jennifer charges only £15 per 30 minute consultation. Having visited her myself prior to her successful diagnosis of my club foot, I found that it is very easy to get lost in her bewitching eyes.

Jennifer prefers to communicate in writing because of her severe stutter, but I must say that I even found her endlessly repeated sibilants hypnotic and enchanting. I taped them and play them back at night before I sleep.

Alternative Treatments

Pascoe Tehidy (32) of Tregeseal is the pioneer of one of the most unusual therapies we have come across. A specialist, he confines himself to the treatment of headaches and migraines. Patients lie down on a long table with a box at one end, into which they are required to insert their head. Tehidy then sits on the box and breaks wind through an aperture to surround the head "in healing vapours".

Fortified by a diet rich in beans and onions, Tehidy is able to direct a steady flow of this fortifying gas directly into the nostrils of the grateful patient. In a matter of seconds all thoughts of migraine or headache have evaporated, as the patient desperately withdraws the head in a frantic attempt to find life-giving oxygen. Pascoe proudly confesses, "My farts are reckoned to have the ‘ighest ever recorded methane content. I could knock out an elephant in less than a minute! Someone’s got an ‘eadache, all they gotta do is cum ‘ere and I’ll get rid of un for un!!"
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ALL THIS WEEK AT THE RELUBBUS HILTON CONFERENCE HALL
JASPER BODINNICK & HIS CARN BREA MOUNTAIN BOYS

TICKETS £100, £75, £50 (standing), from Relubbus Post Office and Warren's, Market Jew Street, Penzance.
GERRY HATRICK’S OLDER LADIES' ESCORT AGENCY -- "GOLDEN GIRLS"
By Leisure Correspondent Rendell Janner

Gerry runs a home for over 85-year-old ladies on the outskirts of Relubbus. He is a deeply caring man and is well aware that, although his ladies are advanced in years, they do still have certain needs. For this reason, he has started up the Escort Agency for his "girls".

Gerry, pictured here on the left, says defiantly that young male customers can expect from his girls exactly what they would get from much younger female escorts. He does not expect to profit from this venture and states that he will only take enough for his admin costs.

"If a young man is looking for a good time, he can do no better than come to me and take a out a 'Golden Girl'", he says. (See below for costs.)

Pictured on the left is 92-year-old Doris Tregonning. A mother and grandmother many times over, Doris has tried to persuade her 21-year-old grandson Derek to bring his mates round so that she can meet them. Rather cruelly, Derek observed that this was "unnatural" and refused to do so. Although sadly confined to a wheelchair, Doris is very sociable and is adamant that she can accompany her date to the dance floor and give him a run for his money before they go off to get down to the real stuff. Interested parties are asked to check the wheelchair accessibility of any venue they intend to take Doris to. They are also asked to respect her sleeping hours -- she goes to bed at 7.00 pm -- alone.



A "raw sex machine" is how Susan Penrose (87) describes herself. Walking with neither zimmerframe nor stick to support her, Susan is a right little mover and loves to dance, though she does need a half hour break between dances -- to rest up, take her pills, and change her incontinence pads. She is the late night "golden girl", as boys are allowed to bring her back home as late as 8.30 pm. "Suey", as her best boys can call her, has all her own teeth and does not smell. Any customer, who does detect the old problem is back will get a 50% reduction on the price of hiring Suey, Gerry assures.






Just 85 years old and the youngest playmate for hire is Grizelda Polglaze, who has to be locked up, because she gets so excited about the prospect of being with young men. Gerry assures us that she is always up for "rumpy pumpy" and insists that the fact that she is no longer sure who she is need not detract from her having fun.

Given her extreme excitability, it is recommended that Grizelda not be taken anywhere public. Gerry is quite happy for suitors to visit Grizelda at the home.

Gerry is adamant that the rights of his ladies to have a little fun should not be restricted by the fact that they are a little older. "Equal rights for all", he says.

Costs are cited as follows:

• Evening dancing £75 plus VAT
• Escorted meal £150 plus VAT
• Kissing (no tongues) £15 each plus VAT
• Kissing, with tongues £25 each plus VAT

Cost of other services available on application. (You will not be disappointed!!)
PLANNING NEWS
MOUNT RELUBBUS TO BE COVERED WITH CARAVANS?
By Planning Correspondent Rendell Janner
The Greater Relubbus Urban Council (GRUC) Planning Committee have approved a plan for a large caravan site on the slopes of Mount Relubbus.

At the planning meeting on Wednesday, Chief Planning Officer Bephisto Trezize argued that the site would bring much-needed employment to the area.

The plans, submitted by Trezize Developments, include provision for 20,000 caravans, which would completely encircle the lower slopes of the mountain; 3 luxury hotels; 7 ski-lifts; 3 helicopter pads; a small airport; a "ring road" that will encircle the mountain; and an Alpine restaurant.

Committee members opposed to the scheme -- that is, all of them except the Chief Planning Officer himself (who also happens to be the sole director of Trezize Developments) -- argued bitterly that the development would ruin forever the wild scenic beauty of the mountain. Unfortunately for them, the rules of the committee (drawn up by CPO Trezize at the committee's inception) stipulate that the vote of the CPO is of equal weight to the combined votes of all the other committee members; and that, in the event of a tie, the CPO has the casting vote. The application was therefore approved.
MAURICE LABALGE'S NEW YEAR PREDICTIONS!
Many of our readers are devoted, in some cases almost addicted, to the guidance of our resident astrologer, Breton savant Maurice Labalge.

They derive great comfort from using his words to peer behind the curtain of the future, so that they can see with clarity what is coming their way. At no other time is their need as great as it is at New Year.

Monsieur Labalge takes great care in casting his horoscopes, never spending less than one full toilet sitting on the construction of his regular contributions.
2008 Predictions!
Aries The stars reveal explosive actions in Uranus next year. This means that during the month of June, you will experience extended discomfort. Apart from that, romantic dalliances are very well-starred -- particularly with Mrs Hollis, if you wish -- and the career shows solid progression, as you are invited to become under-manager at the bacon counter in the Kwop. A good year - rounded and happy, so much so that you almost forget "the little weakness".

Taurus You still have amazing appetites for a woman of your advanced years, but sadly -- and unfairly -- it is difficult for a woman of 91 to find a partner. 2008 will change all that! It is clearly revealed that you will either have the good luck of having a compliant young (22 year old) Marlon Behenna as your carer next year or that you will have the bad luck of passing on. Either way, the problem will be solved!

Gemini Getting a girlfriend was always going to be difficult for you, given the stutter and the foot, but, as the Germans say, ‘for every pot there is a lid’ and when you meet Dorleen Penhaligon, all your problems will be over. Dorleen’s club foot is even bigger than yours and her stutter will make your diction sound like that of the oiliest, smoothest BBC continuity announcer. The meeting will occur in the second week of January, when you are both buying ca-ca-ca-ca-rrots in Tregenza's.

Cancer You have lifestyle challenges. For your own good health, you must lose weight. Cut down on clotted cream -- say, no more than one quarter pound tub per day. Take up step aerobics. You do need to get in shape, since your marriage will fail next April, when your husband, Bill, confesses that he has been carrying on with that skinny bitch tart next door. You will find it easier to find a new partner -- and to move about -- if you can get your weight down to below 30 stone again.

Leo You have always loved music and the present of a tambourine in July will change your life. You will spend over four hours a day practising to get your play up to professional standards. It will be ‘touch and go’ for at least another decade whether you will be able to give up the day job at the quarry to earn a living as a tambourine professional. The stars are as yet silent on this matter, but they do exhort perseverance... Can you get the daily practice hours up to six or seven? Try to learn and play complete well-known pieces such as the Wedding or the Death march. They will not only stand you in good stead in auditions, but you might even get hired to provide the musical backdrop to people’s major life events.

Virgo Never was a star name less appropriate to one born under it. You seem to have no shame as to whom you do it with and as to who knows about it! The horoscope indicates that this year will see you probe even deeper depths of depravity!! Have you thought of living in Hayle, where there are lots of people like you? It is too much for Relubbus -- you are becoming a health risk!

Libra When I think of you, I hear and see tinkling, chuckling sparkles of light cascading from the heavens to shower you with warm light and love. You are indeed a special person. My heart lifts when I enter Morrisons and see you there filling up the fruit and veg section -- I wish I could be a turnip in your hands. The gentle limp in your gait is the price paid to see such otherwise angelic perfection walking the face of this earth

Scorpio You will miss the MOT on the Fiesta in March. Remember that this does invalidate your insurance, so take extra care until September, when the stars reveal that you will get the MOT situation put right. Be supportive to Nigel, as his mother will die in October. Sylvia Clemo will mean more and more to you this year -- could this be the big one?

Sagittarius An extremely localised hurricane event will target your house in August. Everything in it will be flattened. During that month you should move next door to your Mum’s house which will remain completely untouched. Promotion is strongly on the cards in May, so you had better find a job quick!

Capricorn You will pass your piano exam in November, but only after you agree to let the examiner explore you ("upstairs only"!). You come to regret this lapse and report the examiner. He then loses his job, is thrown out by his wife and commits suicide by jumping off the cliff at Land's End -- twice! You learn from this life-shaping event and will go on to become a model librarian.

Aquarius You will continue with your brave experiments in cross-species relations with the local badger sett, but unfortunately both the RSPCA and the police will take a different view of your activities. You will receive a custodial sentence and "Billy Badger" will be dead by the time you get out again.

Pisces Your attempts to replace conversation with your wife by playing an appropriately worded Abba tune will this April, after 5 years, end in tears. The old bag finally decides to leave you and you can move in with Frank and Harry!
IMPORTANT: CHANGES TO OUR PUBLISHING SCHEDULE
From the New Year onwards, we will be publishing articles individually, as they are written, rather than collected in a fortnightly "issue". We hope that this will enable us to:

• Publish articles more frequently
• Make articles more topical
  

So, from January, to ensure that you the see the latest articles as they appear, please check the Roundup site more frequently than once a fortnight -- or subscribe to our RSS feed, which will send you all new articles automatically.

Issue 4, 4th June 2007

EXCLUSIVE: BLAIR SEEKS TOP JOB AT GRUC!

As many political commentators have suspected, Tony Blair, after giving up the role of Prime Minister is now making his play for the big job -- as globe-trotting Foreign Relations Councillor for Greater Relubbus Urban Council (GRUC).

The lucky job-holder is not only able to travel -- free -- all over Cornwall and sometimes outside, but also has the benefit of a fully-furnished council flat on Gwavas Estate, with a sea-view only 4 minutes walk away.

Blair’s wife, Cherie, has been seen in Andrewartha’s, Penzance, eyeing up furniture for the flat (paid for by the council). She has also been reported as applying for a job as an assistant solicitor at Harvey’s in Morrab Road. Furthermore, we are reliably informed that the Blairs’ older children have applied for part-time jobs in the area (at Morrisons and the Kwop); this in order to shore up Blair’s local credentials and thus improve his chances of getting the job, for which there is the stiffest local competition.

The bookies’ hot favourite is Jan Trevanion, a granite quarryman from New Mill. A very youthful and sprightly 112 years old, Mr Trevanion has been dutifully waiting for what is commonly viewed as one of the greatest sinecures in the gift of GRUC.

Pictured on the left looking quietly confident, Mr Trevanion tells the Roundup that he has nothing to fear from Blair. "Blair idn local, kent speak Cornish an 'ee abn’t got un ‘ope in ‘ell of taking my job. I was ‘ere first and I aren’t goin nowhere!"

Mr Trevanion’s cousin, Ezekiel, held the job for some twenty years before his untimely death last month at the age of 147. As many believe that you need Trevanion blood to do the job, there will be uproar locally if Blair gets it. The Roundup will be first with the news!

We’re watching you!

Lorry Botheras, "Fats" Hocking and Violet Tregonning (disguised) are expert sleuths employed by the Roundup to sniff out stories.

So whether you’re nattering on the St Just bus, having a bit of chat over the fence, or musing to yourself in the House of Office, just remember we’re on the case.

The Roundup never sleeps -- never misses!

ADVERTISEMENT FEATURE

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GAY RIGHTS -- Should we take them up?

This is a snapshot taken at the St Ives Lesbian and Gay Rights Festival. It depicts one man's, "Winker" Rosewarne’s, attempt to "come out". Winker (49), a single man who lives quietly with his mother, Agnes (93), took advantage of the Festival to reveal his true bent, much to the shock of both his mother and his employers, Andrewartha’s Dairies.

Mr Marchmount Andrewartha commented "Come Monday, that bender’s sacked. I aren’t 'avin 'ee deliver my milk no more."

This kind of outdated homophobic attitude is, of course, entirely unacceptable in the 21st century. Should the Roundup become a campaigning organ for benders’ rights? We want your views!
Local man (98) dies unexpectedly

The Roundup brings you the sad news of the unexpected death of Mr Singlong "Chinky" Hong, who passed away at the weekend. A much-loved local character, Mr Hong was always pleased to be known simply as Chinky to patrons of his restaurant "The Chopped Stick", the first Chinese restaurant to be opened in Penzance back in the 1960s.

He was often heard to say, with a chuckle, "Guiloes no pronounce my name right, betta I say I Chinky!". Chinky was married to the 1956 Miss Halsetown, Catherine Trembath. The couple had no children.

A memorial service will be held at Chapel St Methodist Church on Wednesday at 3.00pm. According to Chinky’s last wishes, no flowers should be sent, but instead donations should be made to the Penzance branch of the Chinese Opium Smokers’ society.
CELEBRITY NEWS
with Court and Social editor Elsie Rescorla
Tregavarah Operatic Society Star adopts Colinsey Road child

Priscilla Rodda, the much-loved opera diva from Tregavarah, has adopted at last!

After fruitless years of treatment at the Bojuthno Trudgen Institute for Artificial Insemination, Priscilla has adopted a child from Maureen Coke, of 31, Colinsey Road, Treneere.

The child, believed to be female, was offered up by Maureen for adoption by Priscilla in exchange for an undisclosed sum.

Planning news:

Lamorna to be used for storage of nuclear waste shock!

Greater Relubbus Urban Council (GRUC) has struck again with a shock piece of news for picturesque Lamorna (left).

GRUC has signed a £40 million per year deal with the Republic of Ukraine to accept nuclear waste, which will be stored in Lamorna harbour.

Councillor Archibald Coke was unrepentant and unapologetic in giving out the news. "I dunno what they people are complaining about. I’s only a bitta waste. We’ll putten under the sand in the harbour and put a fence up round un. Tourists can hire Geiger counters at 50p a time and do their own measurin'."
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Yes, sombre, dour funeral ceremonies can be a thing of the past with Penberthy’s Fun-time Funerals. Xenophon Penberthy and his team of clowns are ready to help you say goodbye to your loved ones with a laugh and a smile.

Standard two clown versions cost £1,500, but the de luxe 6 clown special is available, during the summer only, for a mere £7,500.

Enquire also about our Firework Special Cremation service, called "The Blaster".

COURT REPORT
By Court Correspondent John Willie Polkinghorne, at Relubbus Magistrates' Court
Parish Council Chairman Terrorises Relubbus

Boy-racer Derek Hustle (63), the Chairman of Wellwhit Parish Council on the Isle of Wight, has been convicted of speeding.

In evidence, P.C. Obed Carne said:

"I clocked 'un 'urtlin' down Relubbus High Street at 32 mph. 'Ee was drivin' one-'anded, and wavin' a bottle of dry white wine in his other 'and. When 'ee got to the end of the street, 'ee did un 'and-brake turn and 'urtled back again. By this time, some ladies 'ad become 'istorical, an' 'Epzibah Pollock's prize sow, Gwennifyr, which 'ad been crossin' the street at the time, 'ad its litter then and there."

In mitigation, Hustle's solicitor explained that Hustle was not used to Relubbus roads. On the Isle of Wight, he said, people thought nothing of driving at speeds up to 35 mph. Just as the Isle of Man is known as "motor bike island", so the I.O.W. has been described as "racing car island", due to its proliferation of high-speed motorways.

Hustle (shown on the left leaving court disguised as a woman) asked for 17 other offences to be taken into account and was sentenced to 60 hours community service. He was also fined £3 and ordered to pay costs of £2.15.

After the hearing, Hustle's wife, Lynne (28), said: "Derek is not a bad man, but he is obsessed by speed."

Appropriately enough, it is understood that the Parish Council of Wellwhit has voted to defrock its erstwhile Chairman.

Proper Job - Cornish for the Non-Cornish
Gunnabuyunaree?
No, this is not an advertisement. This is the Relubbas Roundup’s way of introducing Cornish for the Non-Cornish.

Gunnabuyunaree? = "Are you considering the purchase of…..?"
I aren’t = "No, I am not."
Plumiza? = "Is he a little slow on the uptake?"
Queeriza? = "Is he gay?"
Bumdoee? = "Are you gay?"

Poetry Corner
Kenidjack Poetical, Literary and Philosophical Club
Annual Prize for Poetry in 2007
Awarded to Nellie Boskerris of Nanjizal, for her poem

I duh...

I duh do the washin on Mondays.
I duh go cleanin Tuesdays.
I duh like to stay ome Wednesdays, there’s plenty of cleanin ome to do.

I duh clean up in the back ‘ouse, make sure there’s plenty o newspaper.
Nuthin worse n bein stuck out there at 9 o’ clock on a winter’s eve, done your business, screamin for paper, but no one can ear you for the wind.

I duh gwup town regular for shoppin - buy n fresh and cook n fresh - thas me.

Thursdays I duh go old folks ome to elp out - git a bit a money for un too.
Fridays I duh do bakin and praps gwup town for a bitta geek roun.
Saturdays I’d put on my party frock and d’ go up bingo for a bit laugh.

I’d do these things every week. I’d like it like gat.

Enty May’s Problem Page
Readers are invited to seek Enty May’s benevolent guidance on sensitive matters of the heart, soul, body and human relations in general. In a previous issue, we stated that Enty May had a background of long term psychiatric care. We now understand that she herself received the care, rather than dispensing it. Since her words of advice are greatly valued, we do not regard past severe instability as an impediment to her role in this organ.

Question from Horton Nance (18) of Kelynack:

Dear Enty, I seen our neighbour, Dr Tonkin, mountin' a 'orse. I seenun do it more than once. Ee duh do it whenever 'ee duh think noone’s lookin.

Course I aren’t gunna tell the pleece. 'Owever, I was wundrin 'ow much blackmail money I could ask for to keep quiet?

Enty replies: Well, my bird, you done the right thing cummin' to me. If 'ee’s a doctor, 'ee d earn good money and you can sting 'im good and proper. Charge 'im £50 a month. Course, if you want me to keep quiet, you gotta give me ‘alf or I’ll publish this one in the Roundup.

Question from Liza Treloar (59) of Tregavarah:

Dear Enty, I duh 'ate my mother-in-law. 'Ow can I get rid of 'er fer keeps.

Enty replies: Well, my 'ansome, best way I can think of is t' bake she a nice pasty, but put plenty of rat poison innun. Put enough innun and she’ll be out your way.

Question from Elvia Cock (49) of Nanquidnick:

Dear Enty, My 'usbant says I am now ugly as sin and 'ee duh want to get rid o’ me. 'Ee 'ave now got a girlfrien' – some 22 year old scrubber 'ee picked up down Barn Club. What do I do?

Enty replies: Well, my sparrow, easiest thing fer you to do is t' get Liza Treloar to bake an extra rat poison pasty and giv’un to the scrubber and your 'usbant.

Question from Oliver Addicoat (16) of Heamoor:

Dear Enty, Everyone in my street 'ave got an ASBO ‘cept me. I feel I am lettin' the family down. Wonder what I can do?

Enty replies: Well, my cock, you’re some proper little man thinking about yer family name. Yer mother should be proud of 'ee.

If you want to get your own ASBO, you gotta' get noticed and that might be difficult with so many talented people in your street.

If I were you, I would concentrate on the old folks’ flats. Start off with breaking bottles o’ milk, smasha few windows and work yer way all the way up to explosives through the door. Best a luck, my ansome!

LONELY HEARTS
The Roundup recognises its social responsibilities towards the community it serves in many ways. One of these is by helping unattached folk to meet suitable partners. We hope that the following people will soon meet love’s young dream.

Josiah Tredwin, 39, ("I’m the handsome one on the right!") is a skilled grave-digger and night watchman who has devoted so much time to professional development that he -- like many another professional -- has had little time for meeting the right person.

A shy man with only a slight stammer, he prides himself on personal hygiene and takes a bath at least once every three months. Living alone with his bed-ridden father (87), he needs a woman to help him share the burdens of life.

He is looking for a similarly professional young woman (say a doctor of about 28 years of age) with whom he can share the burden of care for his father and to help him in his practical exploration of the Kama Sutra. "I would like for she to 'ave a car, 'cos I gotta gwin town on the bus at the moment". The authorities have asked us to add that Josiah is fully registered with the Criminal Records Bureau. BOX 4772.

Shazzer Tregwin (24) is a girl who likes to have fun. She lists her interests as Bingo, drinking, fish ‘n’ chips, the Lottery, "all the gossip magazines", experimental sex, shoes, handbags, chocolate, and lingerie.

A shelf-stacker from the Co-op in Newlyn, she would like to meet men, but not all at once -- "a girl’s gotta pace ‘erself!". Shazzer likes to receive "presents" from her men friends and lists £25 as the minimum. BOX 3765.

Archie Woolcock (45) is a local preacher, male voice choir member, and leader of a prayer group in Trelidden.

He runs a youth football team, and is a boy scout leader and Sunday School teacher. He has a job in the dry dock. An only child, he lives at home with his Mum and Dad.

Now that he has started wearing long trousers, he believes that it is time for him to meet girls, but it must be someone of whom his mother fully approves. His ideal woman would look like his Mum -- "a bit younger, of course!". BOX 2024.

IN THE NEXT BUMPER ISSUE

• Camilla: shocking revelations!
  

• Henry VIII reincarnated in Penzance!

• Latest on the police search for master Crows an Wra criminal Jimmy "Boots bag" Dash .


• Millionaire Rosudgeon recluse Jasper Behenna's search for a young bride: the truth behind the rumours.
  

• Local doctor in sex scandal!

• Leader of chart-topping St Buryan music combo unmasked!

• Bumper edition of our socially-responsible "Lonely Hearts" section.
  

• And much, much more!