CHRISTMAS EDITION

A MERRY CHRISTMAS TO ALL OUR READERS!!!!

NADELIK LOWEN!!!!!

We bring you the latest Christmas news before you settle down for that special family fest that is Christmas.

Tas Nadelik overjoyed at finding lost reindeer!!

Christmas is the the busiest time of year for Tas Nadelik, or Father Christmas, and so you can imagine how dsitraught this kindly man was to discover that two of his reindeer had gone missing just when he needs them most.

Father Christmas gave us an interview at his top secret hideaway in the cold upper reaches of Mount Relubbus.

"This time o' year, I duh need tey reindeers morden ever! So when I 'eard they little ones - Poop and Fart - 'ad gone missin', I was beside meself, I kintellee!"

Thankfully, the two reindeer turned up at St Erth station, where they were found "walking around looking bewildered" by a Mr Charming and his girlfriend Alice.

Mr Charming, an unemployed prince from Goldsithney, remarked, "I took one look at they an' I knawed they wudden no cows -- particularly the one with they git 'orns!"

They queued for three hours in the telephone system of the Father Christmas Call Centre, on which they were reassured to be told how important their call was and given regular updates on which number in the queue their call was.  Eventually their call was taken by Madron Polglaze, a work experience elf, who informed Father Christmas.

Madron and his sister Demelza were then immediately despatched by Western National bus to pick up the errant reindeer and take them back to their stables on Mount Relubbus.

Mr Charming and Alice each received rich rewards in the form of a Father Christmas notebook and pencil, a yoyo, a wooden train, a jigsaw, a battery-operated nose-cleaner and a lunar-powered 3D radio in thanks for their sterling efforts.

Asked for a final comment, Father Christmas merely replied "Sum game, inna?!"

Knees Department Store Christmas mishap

Knees of Penzance are seeking a new Santa Claus to sit in their grotto after Elmer Trevains (57) of Botallack was found - and photographed -with a half-naked young lady (Tilly Bottrell, 19)  in his grotto last Thursday.

Tilly, who, according to her mother Brenda (52) is a bit simple ("tha's why we duh call she Tilly!"), pestered her mother to be allowed to go in to see Santa.

Says Brenda, "When she nevver come out after affenour, I wen in there to see wass goin' on".

A shocked Mrs Bottrell then told the Roundup - and PC Polkinghorne, who attended - that when she entered she saw her daughter in a state of undress on Mr Trevains' knee.

Quick as a flash, she whipped out her mobile and took the picture on the left so that Trevains could not deny the event.

PC Polkinghorne then marched off Trevains on a charge of molestation of a simple person.

Knees are now urgently seeking a replacement Santa Claus and jobsekers who feel up to the demanding role - and have no criminal record - are asked to present themselves tomorrow morning at 9.00 am at the store in Market Jew Street in Penzance.

Oates provides Christmas fun for Kiddies

RC Oates, the well-known and much-revered mega-multibillionnaire and philanthropist has this year once again dug deep to lay on Christmas fun for poorer children.

Mr Oates, shown here on the left, is a kindly cheery man, who is often likened to Dickens' Mr Brownlow.

He has accordingly laid on a programme of festive fun for all the children of Relubbus at the renowned Relubbus Panopticon Theatre.

Tickets will cost £15, but - if you can demonstrate that you are poor  (by, for example, having a Body Mass Index of less than 3 or by wearing no shoes) - the Oates Foundation  will cough up 37 pence per poor child, meaning that each poor child will only have to pay £14 and 63 pence to gain entry.

When questioned about the force that drives this unparalleled philanthropy, Mr Oates just smiles his well-known enigmatic and kindly smile  and speeds off in his brand new top-of-the-range S-class Mercedes to seek out further outlets for his uncontrollable philanthropic outpourings.

He has decided upon an improving entertainment programme for the children, which kicks off with an hour of Medleys on Mandolin from Giacomo and Umberto Trembath. 

The children will recognise some of the songs, particularly "Goin up Cambern 'Ill" , which is the last number, and will be expected and encouraged to join in with lusty singing.

The next act is a novelty act performed by Bersaba and Morwenna Penhaligon, two sisters who were brought up speaking no other langauge but Kernewek.

The two sisters have perfected a brilliant stand-up routine in Middle Cornish, which they deliver interspersed with delightful bursts of Cornish song. This lasts for two hours and is guaranteed to both entertain and educate the kiddies.

The final hour is taken up with Idris the Indicator from Newlyn.

This talented performer entertains the audience with the adroit use of his dexterous digit, which he uses to 'indicate' various objects.

The first child to correctly guess the object indicated is rewarded with a hard-boiled sweet.

The game continues with the sweet always being passed on to the next correct guesser. 

It is amazing that even after an hour of exciting games with the sweet being passed from one mouth to another it is still the same size as when it was first fished out of Idris's pocket.

Where it comes from is a closely guarded secret - the everlasting secret.  Idris will only let on that it comes from Newlyn and that "youkun get loads o' them there in diffrunt sizes!"

The editor would like to wish all readers set to enjoy roast badger, as he is, a most flavoursome Christmas!

NEWS IN BRIEF

 BOUNDARY AND POSTCODE CHANGES

Hot on the heels of the recent furore about cross-Tamar electoral boundaries, comes news that the new giant postal sorting office to be built in Launceston will result in a reclassification of some postcodes. Currently, the Plymouth postcode (PL) extends west into Cornwall beyond St Austell, and the Exeter postcode (EX) beyond Bude. In future, there will be a new postcode of KE (Kernow) that will not only cover the whole of Cornwall, but will extend far eastwards into Devon.

Commenting on the proposed changes, the leader of the Greater Relubbus Urban District Council (GRUC), Councillor Billy Spargo (103), said:

"We have to be grown up about these things. I'm sure the people of Plymouth and Exeter won't object to their fine cities being classified as part of Cornwall. So why should the people of Saltash object to their historic Cornish town being part of Plymouth?"

NEW WISE MAN FOR ST BURYAN

by our village reporter, Denzil Owles

A couple of days ago I was privileged to meet the new Wise Man of St Buryan, Mr Athelstan Sowsner, as he was searching for toads in Boskennal Lane.
 
Having moved to Cornwall from Surrey last Thursday, Mr Sowsner says that he has already developed a strong affinity for our ancient landscape. He has, after all, been coming to Cornwall on holiday since he was three months old. 

He tells me that he is deeply knowledgeable about Cornish culture and traditions -- for example, village feast days, which he understands were instigated by Ginsters in 1993, and the ancient practice of knitting wooly scarves for standing stones, in order to keep them warm in winter.

Mr Sowsner studied spells and potions under Professor Potter, at a famous training school in the north, the name of which has temporarily slipped my memory. He is a founder member of the Surrey Order of Druids (SOD).

A single man and former investment banker, he now occupies a fine six-bedroomed converted mill in Bramangath Lane. He was keen that his house should have a Cornish name, and to this end recruited a local bard to suggest one in Kernewek. As he told me proudly, "I've renamed the house 'Toll Dewbedrenn'. It means 'Fox hole'".

MAJOR INTERNATIONAL NEWS COLLABORATION ANNOUNCED

Relubbus Roundup teams up with the Liechtensteiner Volksblatt!

Although it is far smaller than Relubbus with (at the last count, in 2004) just 34,600 inhabitants, Liechtenstein has two excellent newspapers, one of which, with millions of readers, has been selected by the Roundup as its international partner. This lucky winner is the Liechtensteiner Volksblatt.

The two globally significant news organisations sent one representative each to a half way point (a roadside café in Hesperange in Luxembourg) to sign an historic agreement which will henceforth mean that Liechtenstein gets inside news about Relubbus and vice versa. The news of the signing has sent ripples around the media world and is said to have caused Rupert Murdoch to have sleepless nights.

Attending the signing for the Volksblatt is their Economics Editor, the very well-informed and deeply attractive Kornelia Pfeiffer.

Kornelia (27 and from Vaduz), pictured here on the left, has the equivalent of thirty two 'O' levels, including Typing and Geography. She is finely attuned to the vibrant throbbing rhythm which characterises the Liechtenstein economy.

Kornelia has long been fascinated by Cornwall and looks forward to an attachment to the Roundup at its premises in the Swordfish, Newlyn.

The Roundup's able representative at what will, in future Media Studies degrees, come to be known as the Hesperange Agreement, is none other than the grand-daughter of the Relubbus mega multi-billionnaire R.C. Oates, little Tamsin Oates. Party girl Tamsin left school (the prestigious and fabulously expensive Nancledra Ladies Academy, run by Miss Tregonning) at sixteen without any qualifications, but this has not held her back in her glittering career. Now 23, she runs the stationery and catering departments at the Roundup.

Curious readers can view the online version of the Volksblatt at www.volksblatt.li.

The link up will provide readers in both countries with many advantages. Two avid readers, Grace Hocking (37) and her friend Martha Lukies (45) from Gunwalloe, pictured here on holiday in Vaduz, Liechtenstein, welcomed news of the big media hook-up. "If you duh think ov'un, it'll be uh proper job. If I duh advertise Enty Mabel's old mangle fer sale in the Roundup, someone from why over to Liechtenstein might want to buy'un. It duh give we a bigger audience, dunna?"

Delighted Volksblatt reader Max Buechli declared, "Tja, wir freuen uns wahnsinning darüber. Relubbus und Vaduz gehören zusammen."

It is expected that the media link will lead to many other cross-cultural connections between Relubbus and Liechtenstein. The Relubbus Institute for Foreign Languages will be making great efforts to help bridge the language barrier. It is producing one of its famous four-way phrasebooks, a few snippets of which we present here. It tells you what you need to say...

Yn Gernow:

• Piw os'ta?
• Ass yw brav an gewer.
  
• Toemm yw hi.

In Cornwall:

• Oo aree?
• Proper weather, inna?
• Sum 'ot inna?

In England:

• Who are you?
• What fine weather!
• It is hot.

In Liechtenstein:

• Wer sind Sie?
• Was für schönes Wetter!
• Mir ist heiß.

People interested in travelling to Liechtenstein will be thrilled to hear that, from next Wednesday, the Western National Bus Service will be running half-hourly services from Penzance Railway Station, via Relubbus, to Vaduz in Liechtenstein. The competitively-priced service will cost £1 14s 4d for a single ticket and £2 9s 8d for a return.

UPPER TOWANS SALE TRIGGERS REACTIONS AROUND CORNWALL

The sale of Upper Towans beach in Gwithian for the huge sum of £80,000 to a mystery buyer, widely believed by locals to be a complete idiot and sucker ‘extraordinaire’, has set tongues wagging.

The primary advantage of ownership seems to be the ability to point at the beach, and say “I own that beach, I do!” whilst holidaymakers surge past, completely ignoring you, with dismissive words such as “Yeah, yeah, yeah!”

There are no usual proprietorial rights. Indeed there are restrictive covenants, the most surprising of which are that 'ownership extends only to that portion of the Towans which is covered by water' and that 'ownership is only enjoyed when the water is frozen’. The sale of such paltry ownership rights for such a high price is a breathtaking triumph for the Economic Ministry of the People’s Republic of Hayle.

Tregavarah Ventongimps (42), ruler of the rogue state that is The People’s Republic of Hayle, is believed to have encouraged the sale, the proceeds of which are said to flow straight into his personal coffers.

Ventongimps is a sad and extremely reluctant exponent of the art of ‘combover’, after four failed, but very expensive, hair transplants undertaken outside the People’s Republic at the famed Norton Clinic in Relubbus. With £80,000 now at his disposal, he is rumoured to be set on ‘blowing the lot’ at the Norton.

With this frankly wholly unexpected sales success, it is expected that similar sales will be tried in respect of the whole of Hayle’s Three Miles of Golden Sands’, particularly with the gullible purchaser of Upper Towans, who, the Roundup can exclusively reveal, is none other than Madonna.

This amazing sale has given rise to a plethora of other ‘special offers’ in respect of the Cornish seaside and coast, dreamed up by hopeful locals, seeking to transform their finances.

Mounts Bay (Airspace) Extremely Limited is to sell the entire airspace above Mounts Bay from a height of 75 feet above the sea to a height of 80 feet above the sea for the astronomical sum of £48,000,000. Eager billionaires eager to get any slice of Cornwall are believed to be queuing up to be able to bid for the exclusive ownership rights of this huge airspace.

Spokesman for the vendor company, Denzil Trevains (47 and believed to be a descendant of the famed Cornish enetertainer "Banjo Trevains", pictured left), who until now has made a living as an ice cream salesman in the summer months, said, “This is a one-off opportunity to own a vast tract of airspace over a beautiful part of Cornwall. The owners will be able to charge seabirds – and there are many – every time they fly across it, so the earnings potential is huge!”

Other Cornish beaches rumoured to be likely to be sold – on copycat conditions of the Upper Towans sale – are Porthmeor, Gwenver, Porthtowan, Porthminster (pictured) and Sennen. Part of the deal will be a teashirt with the words “I own this beach, I do!” printed on the front. On the back, the Kernewek word GOKY will be printed in large letters.

The Roundup will report further on this developing story.

WHAT IS THIS THING CALLED CREDIT CRUNCH?

In Relubbus annual growth is expected to hit a record 21.9% in 2009, the 59th consecutive year of growth in our economy, which is the envy of the world. Mortgage rates in Relubbus are a comfortable 0.15% per annum, on 21 times salary. Savings rates have hit an all time high of 17.5% per annum for instant access accounts.

All of these miraculous achievements were made possible by the nomination by Greater Relubbus Urban Council (GRUC) Chairman Billy Spargo (97) of his childhood friend, Bernie Madoff-Withit (97 and pictured on the left) as Treasury Minister some 60 years ago. Treasury Ministers the world over constantly try to pump Madoff-Withit for the secret of his success. He remains - as ever - tight-lipped.

The English Chancellor (who curiously speaks with a Scottish accent), Alice Dear Darling, has been seen on bended knee pleading for some insightful guidance so that he can lead the English out of the mess his boss, Gordon the Brun (who also curiously speaks with a Scottish accent) has led them into. It is not only the English economy which is in a total mess – the Americans, sundry Europeans and the Asian tigers have all fallen prey to the illness which besets the English economy.

At this stage, one should note that the Welsh and the Scots (fellow Celts, O dear people of Relubbus!) enjoy an absence of irritants such as tuition fees and hospital parking charges. (Is this perchance Alice and Gordon’s secret gift to the Celtic world?).

However, Alice has discovered that the figures just do not add up. In a secret meeting, in heavy disguise, with Bernie at a Little Chef restaurant in Kent (where Bernie insisted the bill be paid by Alice!) Alice howled over his chips that he “didna' knaw how it’s all gonneh end! Everything we do seems to turn to shite! Can ye no help us owt, Bernie?”

Bernie appeared to keep his cool and confine his comments to appreciative, though not very informative, slurping and chomping of his eggburger-and-chips and coffee.

Once this meal had been consumed, Bernie thanked the English Chancellor for the “ansum bitta grub” and stated how much he looked forward to meeting Alice again at the next G20 meeting. Then, overlooking the fact that Alice lay crumpled in body and spirit, weeping helplessly at his feet, he eased his right leg to release a noisome parcel of noxious gas into the receptive English air, and strode off to the gleaming, purring Ministerial Ford Prefect car, waiting to whisk him off back to Relubbus.

Of course, those of us who have the good fortune to live in the sainted environs of world-famous Relubbus know nothing of this thing called Credit Crunch, but, to help the people of Relubbus appreciate the woes of others, we despatched intrepid Roundup roving reporter, Aggie “Pipey” Penlowarth across the border to England (Pow Saws in Kernewek).

There she sought out and interviewed representatives of certain key groups in order to get the measure of the crisis besetting the English economy.


She spoke first to Linda Titt, the 27 year old spokesperson for the English Collective of Prostitutes, who told her that “fings ain’t never bin so bad, like. Punters ain’t got no money no more, like, innit? Like we got reductions on all lines – sometimes as much as 50% - and no one is interested, innit? We tried advertising in Relubbus, innit, but them Methodist fundamentals was like mental man, innit, innit?"

As the ‘innit’ count grew ever higher, taking Linda’s utterances off into the lofty realms of incomprehensibility, Pipey moved off to interview another key indicator – none other that Bill “Crowbar” Hatchet, the 43-year-old representative of the English Union of Housebreakers and Forced Entry Operatives.

Bill stated that whilst Linda’s girls might be able to lay claim to the title of the oldest profession, his lads would not be too far behind with their claim to similarly ancient honours.

He pointed out that, whilst burglars have their standards, the credit crunch was forcing too many amateurs into the game, who were giving it a bad name. The Union had a number of ‘minimum performance standards’, governing such basic matters as the time taken to gain entry, the correct use of the crowbar, the minimum time to ‘immobilise’ the house-owner without ANY permanent injury to his/her health, adherence to RSPCA-approved treatment of guard dogs, the taking of appropriate breaks during work, etc. All of these high professional performance standards were being simply ignored by moonlighters into the world of professional crime.

A similar doom-laden message was given by Tina Chav, the 23-year-old Public Relations Officer for the Basildon-based Retail Pilferers’ Association. Said Tina “Ya knaw waddimean, innit? We’re like a professional body, like for people wot takes fings wivout payin’, innit? Our members is like everywhere, innit – in Whittards, Woolworths, Adams and everyfink like that, innit? Closin them stores is like takin’ our income away, innit – plus you got all dem amateurs wot is like competin wiv us like, innit”.

Pipey, getting the message and tiring once more of the rising ‘innit’ count, decided to leave the sorry sad world of Alice’s wonderland and return to the reassuring sanity of Relubbus.

ALARM AT PISKEY/GOBLIN PROBLEM IN WEST PENWITH

There is widespread alarm at the recent outbreak of hostilities between Piskies and Hobgoblins in Heamoor. Greater Relubbus Urban Council (GRUC) Leader Billy Spargo (98) was quoted only last year as saying that the Pisky problem had been brought under control and that no one had anything to fear from the activities of the ‘little people’ again. Key to the achievement of this agreement was the GRUC undertaking that Goblins would not be allowed into Cornwall.

However, this has sadly proven not to be the case. Goblins have somehow found their way in. Rural dwellers in West Penwith have become all too aware of a steady increase in Goblin incursions in recent months. Their presence is betrayed by screechily high pitch curses in the dead of night, pilfering, attacks on pets, tampering with water and frequent bad smells. They have been drawn here by Cornwall’s mild climate and ancient traditions of faery lore. (Yes, that’s ‘faery’, not ‘fairy’, Nigel).

Native Piskies have been with us always. Some say that they were here before us and will be here after we have gone. They usually grow to a height of between 2ft 6 ins and 3 ft tall, although in the 16th century the noted giant Piskey, Taroveor Menheniot, grew to the great height of 4 ft 3 ins.

Piskey folk tend to keep themselves to themselves and do not take to mixing much with us humans. They can choose to be helpful to us, but just as often and easily, they can choose to caggle up our activities for pure mischief’s sake. When they do talk to us, it is always in the broadest St Buryan accent or in Kernewek.

Goblins, on the other hand, are not indigenous to Cornwall. They are bigger (growing to 4 ft 6 ins), look very ugly and have foul manners and habits. They are lazy, they steal, they get very high on dandelion juice, they delight in making bad smells (which is a form of making music for them), and they take enormous pleasure in disrupting human life.

They are competing with our native Piskies for territory.

Cambron Trembath, (52) the Chairman of the Relubbus Society for the Promotion of Responsible Interactions with Cornish Piskies (RSPRICK) said this could be just like the sad story of the squirrel. “Years ago, we used to ‘ave they neat little red squirrels ‘ere, till they bleddy American greys moved in!” He advocates strong action against Goblins to preserve the way of life of the Cornish Piskey.

On Saturday, at the Relubbus Central Square, just off Boswedden Lane, there will be a mass rally in support of our native Piskies and crowds of around 50,000 to 60,000 are expected to gather.

Billy Spargo is expected to address the crowds and, since he is no stranger to controversy, it is widely rumoured that he is prepared to authorise the release to the Piskies of tankerloads of "turnick an’ rhubarb juice". Innocuous to humans and Piskies alike, the mixture is deadly to Goblins. This radical measure will drive out the Goblins in hours.

Having heard of Spargo’s rumoured intentions, ‘English’ Gordon, the UK Prime Minister, speaking, bejacketed but tieless, from his holiday bunker in Suffolk declared that “the human rights issues in the matter needed to be ventilated”.

Spargo’s response? “If that asshole spent ten minutes in a room with a Goblin, he’d knaw it wadden't human and the room would need bleddy ventilatin!!”

YES, IT'S COMPETITION TIME AGAIN!!!!!!

Readers rejoice!! It is another chance for you, our READERS, to win fabulous prizes!!

Regular patrons of the Relubbus Panopticon will immediately recognise this picture of the fabulously talented Zelda Barncoose (29) of Zennor, playing her zither, while her devoted husband, Jimmy (32), a butcher from St Just, beats out the tune with his hat upon her head.

The all-important question is, "WHAT TUNE IS SHE PLAYING?" The Editor would like, at this point, to insist that Miss Bernice Pierce of St Clare, Penzance, does not write in again (for the 93rd time) to state that the tune is "Camberne 'Ill". The only clue we are giving is that the song is NOT Camberne 'Ill.

So the first step towards winning any prize is guessing which tune Zelda is playing.

Regular readers, especially those from Dar Es Salaam, will be well aware that supplying that one answer will not be enough to win the prizes. No one knows that better than the Editor's 3-year-old niece, Loveday, who has won many of the prizes for the past 6 years. "Prizes", I hear you say, "what might these be?"

First prize this time is nothing less than this sparkling, brand-new 2008 Cornish Avenger car, pictured on the left. Available only in sea-green with pink go-faster stripes, this motor will be the envy of all your friends, equipped as it is with the very latest in gizmos.

We cannot name them all but, for instance, the driver's door has a handle that enables you to lower or raise the window, thus adjusting the condition of the air in the car. We call this "air-conditioning" -- just watch other car-makers imitate it!

In another groundbreaking development, the front windscreen is equipped with a "wiper" which wipes away rain, enabling the driver to motor safely through thunderstorms. So, at a stroke, gone are the days when you couldn't drive in the rain.

In every model of the the Avenger there is also a transistor radio taped to the back window, which is capable of picking up not only Radio Cornwall, but also Radio Caroline, for those of you who like racey music. You can change between the two channels at the flick of a switch, although, of course, you do need a friend in the back seat to flick the switch for you.

Hidden in the glove department is a coin-operated, fruit-flavoured-condom dispenser for the many James Bond moments that are bound to arise in a car of this calibre. The dispenser operates on Lithuanian litas coins and offers three favourite Lithuanian fruit flavours -- blueberry, gooseberry, and loganberry.

In addition to the driver's seat, there is now also an UPHOLSTERED passenger seat, which will provide unheard-of comfort for the little lady in your life!! In the back, the plank has now been planed so that no splinters will ever again give discomfort to your passengers.

The engine is a technologists' dream, representing the very latest in advanced automotive engineering from Trevaskis Motors!! The engine runs on the excreta of the Tasmanian Wolf. This has the advantage that it is very eco-friendly, but labours a trifle under the disadvantage that the Tasmanian Wolf (and hence its droppings) has been in short supply for a good few decades. The lucky winner and driver need have no fears though, as a a full two days fuel (for four miles in total) will be supplied FREE!!.

We could wax lyrical about the Avenger for hours , but must stop somewhere. Suffice it to say that the car boot OPENS, enabling you to use the full 1 foot square space for any luggage you may wish to carry.

Now that you are all salivating with eagerness to own this mean machine, and assuming that you have the correct answer to question one, you need only know the answer to the second question to gain the keys to the Cornish Avenger.

Well, it is not so much a question as a task, which you must successfully complete. TRANSLATE THE FOLLOWING INTO KERNEWEK:
Note: You must use the very latest SWF spelling! Entries in Unified Cornish or even Kemmyn will automatically be disqualified.

"With a methodical and relentless thoroughness, he probed each corner and nook and cranny of his most capacious nose until he found it. Then, he extracted his finger and held the gleaming prize before her eyes. She was so thrilled by the sight that she knew then that she would do anything for this man. She sat there transfixed. It sat there, gleaming upon his finger, a bewitching wash of colours, of greens, of purples, of blues -- how could one nose produce so many emblems of colour?"

Okay, so you have won the car. What else could you win?

Special times call for special prizes - and NOTHING could be more special than this! Behold a new creation from Nancledra!! It is the SAXOBOGGA!

It successfully combines the amatory with the lavatory, hitting all the necessary low notes, one after another. On the open market, this new miracle of the musical world would cost some £75,000 (with plumbing costs extra!).

Picture the scene! You are the new musical maestro. Your beloved is seated upon the throne, beset, alas, with problems of a hideously noisome and gaseous nature which nothing but the muse of music can release. You and she can blow together in happy unison...

Yes, but to win this miraculous musical machine, you must first answer the following question correctly:

Which of the two, Julia or Andrew, will first leave the shabby pee-perfumed limelight of the Liberal Democrats and truly speak for Cornwall?

Of course, if your knowledge is deeper than that of our questioner and you give a name other than that of the sweet Julia or the sainted Andrew and you name a person who does then lay down their name for Cornwall at Westminster, then you may name your own prize within our country.

Finally, as is customary with all our competitions, entries will only be valid (and, therefore, read) if accompanied by £20,000 in used notes. So, what are you waiting for??? Get writing!!