SHOCK DISCOVERY CHANGES PICTURE OF KING ARTHUR FOR EVER!

Professor Wendy Lack-Bollock (56) is the former Nancledra singing nun and now highly acclaimed Relubbus International University Professor of Cornish History.

Professsor Lack-Bollock has sent tidal waves of controversy and excitement through the ranks of the academic world by lending her undoubtedly overwhelming personal prestige to the authenticity of a claim made by one Billy Pender (42) to have found the true and ancient sword of King Arthur in Dozmary Pool.

Pender is a man who has made a nearly steady living by rowing around, on Dozmary Pool, people who wish to catch a  glimpse of the hideous monster 'Dozey', which Pender himself first caught sight of some 25 years ago and which has never been seen again.

Pender, who fortunately had a camera on him at the time, was able to take a quick snap of the monster before it disappeared again into the shallow depths.

From the picture, it has been identified by some (Pender and his sister, Agnes) as being of the Cornish Morgawr variety.

However, the Cornish marine monster expert, Jack Coastow (97), has dismissed this as "utter bleddy codswallop".  He states that Dozmary is at no point deeper than 9 feet and that anyone would be hard put to hide any kind of monster in it, unless it were a monster tadpole.

Labouring against the relentless weight of rash and (according to Pender) ill-founded, but nonetheless damaging dismissals such as this for the past 25 years has restricted the appetite of emmets and other punters to stump up the necessary £45 per head for the 35 minute slow row around Dozmary Pool.

This has naturally put a severe strain on the earning capacity of Mr Pender who, together with his sister and a family goat, lives in an old and lovingly repaired two-man scout tent some half a mile from Dozmary Pool.

However, no one could contradict the claim of Dozmary Pool to have been the place where the legendary Arthur (shown here in typically camp pose) both received and returned his famed sword Excalibur (according to the post-Vulgate Merlin).

Accordingly, Mr Pender has now adjusted his roadside sign to appeal to lovers of Arthurian romance, advertising his boat tours to attract those who wish to experience the magic of the place where the mysterious lady of the lake took back the wondrous sword Excalibur.  This did dramatically increase Pender's weekly income by £90.

However, no one could have been more shocked than Pender himself, when he first caught a glimpse of the famed sword himself.

Says Mr Pender, "I wazouthere wun mornin' early like, avinabit geek fer Dozey, when I saw thisere glinta grey!"

He rowed out to the mysterious object, which seemed to float upon the water, willing him to approach and behold it.

He picked it up and was astounded at how small and light it was.  He was even more astounded to see that scratched on the hilt was the immortal claim, "Thissere duh blong tuh Boy Arthur - 'Ands off!"

He took his find to Professor Lack-Bollock, who, after careful study, made the following statement:

"This find transforms for ever our picture of the true Arthur and it also brings dramatic revelations about so-called Dark Age Britain.

"The sword is a little over 1 foot long.  It is a short sword and is made for a short person and we must now believe that Arthur himself was a little over 3 foot tall.  However, we should not be surprised that so much was achieved by a dwarf.  Shortarses have achieved much throughout history - remember that Napoleon was only 2 foot 11 inches tall.

"However, what many will find almost unbelievable is that the sword is made of lightweight grey plastic, which means that we must completely revise our understanding of Dark Age materials development and use. 

"Plastic is held to be an invention of modern times, but here is clear proof that plastic had been invented and used centuries before in Cornwall.

"There is a further surprising linguistic conundrum.  The inscription on the sword is in a seemingly bastardised form of modern English.  Yet Arthur himself clearly used this language.  The linguistic world has now been thrown into upheaval, as linguists struggle to work out what this could mean for our understanding of the development of European languages."

There is a further very faint inscription on the sword, which can barely be made out with the aid of a magnifying glass.  It reads "Knees, Penzance, Market Jew Street".  Experts are still trying desperately to decode this mysterious message.

The Roundup will report further.

A MATCH MADE IN HEAVEN

Bernice Skaggs, at just 23, the Bolitho Professor of Epic Greek Poetry and of Intravenous Stimulants at the prestigious University of Chyandour has achieved both fame and infamy in her comparatively short life so far.

The sharp searchlight of her forensic mind has opened up the world of Epic Greek Poetry to new generations of Cornish folk, whilst her easy-to-follow practical guide to intravenous stimulation has won countless followers, particularly in the Camborne area.

Whilst her academic work has rightly won her widespread recognition and acclaim from all sides, her somewhat racey lifestyle has sadly only brought her opprobrium -- as well as a Fatwah from the Botallack-based breakaway Methodist Fundamentalist Leader, Ali ben Polkinghorne.

Dressed in her trademark pink (above), she is often to be seen loitering outside unsavoury bars in West Penwith, trying to persuade punters to part with their cigarette cards so that she - an avid collector - can complete her collections all the sooner.

She is also believed to overindulge in her favourite Babycham.  Indeed, on one cold night in February, she was even found (by someone destined to play a major part in her life) at 3.00 am in the morning, stone drunk and wrapped around one of the lions on Penzance Promenade.

It is therefore refreshing that she is in the news again, but this time under the happy banner of good news.

The Roundup can now reveal that Bernice has decided to 'tie the knot' with septuagenarian Gwavas beau and 3rd highest winner in last week's Nancledra Lottery, Tommy "Ladies' Man" Trembath.

Tommy, pictured here quaffing a celebratory glass of Babycham, told the Roundup that he was attracted to the lissom Bernice as much by her intellect as by her good looks.

For it was none other than Tommy who stumbled across Bernice on that cold February night.  "I jes binout on a bender an' I cudden remember the wayome.  I wuz goin pass they lions on the Prom, when I 'eard a groan an' seen Madam, puking up something awful.  She wuz wiffin' o' Babycham and that wuz the clincher fer me!"

Tommy has until now eked out a rather precarious living by running the Ludgvan Latrine Hotel.

This frankly odd institution  has thusfar failed to win any significant interest amongst the emmet public. 

The paltry spartan furnishings of even its Presidential Suite are more reminiscent of an army bunkhouse than of some place that might be graced by a president.

The latrines, into which Tommy has sunk his entire inherited wealth, are faithful reconstructions of early medieval models and so make no concessions whatever to any notions of modern hygiene.

However, there has been a steady trickle of (usually Japanese) eccentrics over the years, who have been lured by the prospect of extremely basic accommodation and an array of untended and aggressively pungent 'medieval' latrines.

This has enabled Tommy to keep his head above water and even to buy the occasional bottle of his beloved Babycham.

The Nancledra Lottery win, believed to exceed three figures, will now enable the lovebirds to slip away to their sumptuous Goldsithney retreat on the outskirts of Greater Relubbus.