SPARGO TO ADDRESS G-20

By our Financial Correspondent, Duane Polkinghorne
Billy Spargo, the Chairman of the Greater Relubbus Urban Council (GRUC), is to address an emergency meeting of the G-20 to be held in New York early next week.

The G-20 is a group of twenty Finance Ministers and Central Bank Governors from 19 of the world's largest economies, plus the EU. Collectively, the G-20 economies comprise 90% of global GNP and 80% of world trade.

However, one notable absentee from the group is Relubbus, whose resilient "Celtic tiger economy" has expanded massively in recent years and whose GNP now stands second only to that of the US.

Until now, Relubbus, under the canny leadership of Chairman Spargo, has resolutely refused to ally itself with any international trading blocs other than the Union of Kernow States. The latter, comprising, besides Relubbus itself, Crowlas, Lower Gwavas, Nanpean, Treneere, Germoe, Perranuthnoe, Crows an Wra, Tremethick Cross, and Tregavarah, has emerged, under the leadership of Relubbus, as the planet's leading energy supplier. Indeed, the GRUC Council Chamber alone produces huge quantities of natural gas, while the vast wind farm at Cripplesease generates sufficient electricity to power the UK national grid.

It is understood that Councillor Spargo, in agreeing to address the NY meeting, is responding to a desperate plea from the world's leaders. As the global financial crisis deepens, they regard the support of Relubbus as the only way to avert a total meltdown of the world economy.

Mr Spargo is expected to solve the international crisis by pledging to underwrite the national debts of the US, UK, France, Germany, Italy, Japan, Russia, India, and China. He could do this by drawing on the vast reserves of the Relubbus Central Bank (shown above) -- rumoured to be in the region of £17 6s 8d!

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YES, THEY'RE BACK! ALL THIS WEEK AT THE RELUBBUS HILTON CONFERENCE HALL
THE EAGERLY-ANTICIPATED RETURN OF
JASPER BODINNICK & HIS CARN BREA MOUNTAIN BOYS

TICKETS £100, £75, £50 (standing), from Relubbus Post Office and Warren's, Market Jew Street, Penzance.

SEX GODDESS SWITCHES ON RELUBBUS LIGHTS

Agnes Treglown (98), President of the Penzance branch of the Silver Thread, based at Penlowarth, and voted Sex Goddess of the Century in 1931 by the members of the Tregavarah cycling, ukelele and Gilbert and Sullivan Society, was selected this year to switch on the magnificent Relubbus Christmas Lights, which illuminate the whole 5 mile length of fashionable Boswedden Lane.

Amongst the VIP guests who flocked to Relubbus for the occasion were His Royal Highness Prince Hans-Adam II of Lichtenstein, together with his charming wife, Queen Tracey, formerly of 14 Colinsey Road in Penzance.

President-elect Barack Obama (pictured here on the left in heavy disguise for security purposes!) and family were official state guests of the Greater Relubbus Urban Council (GRUC) Chairman, Billy Spargo (87); the Aga Khan attended with his four wives, all called Doris; Italian wigwearer and politician Silvia Burlesque-only was there with his new love-interest, Mrs Osama (just call me ‘Goky’) Bin Laden; UK House of Commons Speaker, Michael Martin was also an enthusiastic participant in the festivities, losing no opportunity to tell people how he had ‘sorted’ Tory MP troublemakers.

Of course, the credit crunch around the world has had no impact on the Relubbus economy whatsoever. People seem to be spending wildly as never before.

The flagship RC Oates Superstore, shown here on the left together with some of the other 'lights of Relubbus', has apparently been 'raking it in'.

At the store (now officially named by the Guinness Book of Records as the largest store there has ever been and ever will be in the world) Mr Oates has splashed out (some talk in terms of amounts exceeding £15!!!) on extra special lighting to pull in the crowds.

In the lavish entertainment programme which followed the big ‘switch-on’, VIPs, celebrities and as many of the vast crowd that could, flooded into the cavernous majesty of the Grand Golden West Theatre, where they were treated to a spectacular rendition of old favourites from the world-famous Rosudgeon Showtime band, shown here on the left.

To the delight of Agnes Treglown and all her friends from the Silver Thread, the band played many old favourites including Itler, ‘ee only ‘ad one ball, which was, by request, played sixteen times.

Next on the bill came the Andrews Sisters (Barb, Brenda and Betty) from up ‘Eamoor. The glamorous girls - all of whom used to work in Simpsons of Penzance before fame came knocking on their door - had their hair done especially at world-renowned coiffurier Shelley's of Fore Street, St Just before appearing in the show.

To the delight of the huge crowd, they sang some of their greatest hits including I never knew Santa did that with a reindeer!, I won’t fart under the mistletoe!, and Bill Clinton gave me his cigar!

The ‘grand finale’ was provided by the award-winning St Just Waste Operatives Female-Impersonation and Dance Troupe. From left to right are shown Billy Kelynack (34), Archilaus Trembath (41), Dick (“an’ Dora”) Angove (33), Windy Treglown (54 and the star of the troupe, who claims to have stopped wearing trousers 30 years ago); Gwen Upsnoostaree (35), and, lastly, twin brothers Bob and Bert Botheras (36).

By day, they all man the dust carts of West Penwith, but come evening they transform themselves into the picture of female pulchritude you see in the attached snap. Accompanied only by Dougie Blewett on solo triangle and to rapturous applause from the audience, they performed a breathtaking tap routine, which entranced young and old alike.

As the capacity audience of 30,000 departed from the building at the end of the show, they all averred that the splendid show marked the end of a splendid day. But then, they had the treat of walking down a Boswedden Lane with Christmas illuminations which put all other shows to shame.

Meanwhile, Agnes and her friends were whisked away by the waiting Western National Bus (driven by Sidney Rosewarne (52) of St Erth) back to the warm comforting glow of the Lariggan Home for the Terminally Confused.

One occupant of that bus, Agnes herself, was thinking back to the days when the Chairman of that Tregavarah Club - Mr Madron Bolitho - pronounced her Sex Goddess of the Century.

Our correspondent, hitching a ride back to his pad in Adelaide Street, Penzance, was asked by Agnes whether he would publish a picture of Agnes "back in them days". He replied "'Course I'll do un for ee, my luvver", and here it is -- the young Agnes in earlier days!

LONELY HEARTS THAT YEARN FOR YOU

The Roundup has achieved enormous success in bringing together lonely people who are looking for love in West Cornwall.

Indeed, following the international attention the Roundup has received after its perceptive coverage of the Eurovision Song Contest, it may well be that some of our international readers might like to make contact with some of the special people we present today.

We do also invite international readers to view our older posts covering such interesting items as politics with insightful articles on Bush/Putin, Sarkozy and with special focuses on foreign embassies in Relubbus ; culture with a particular emphasis on poetry and music; and a host of other fascinating offerings including our famous FREE dating facility - Lonely Hearts. Don't forget to POST A COMMENT before you go.

We make no charge for our Lonely Hearts service and simply regard its free provision as being another hallmark of socially responsible journalism. Here are some more folk who are looking for love... from you?

Willy Bosiddick (32) is a well-known milkman from Rosudgeon, the gay capital of West Cornwall. Despite living in this "den of Sodom", as it has been designated by a succession of Methodist fundamentalist preachers, Willy is firmly heterosexual in orientation. He is, in fact, also married with 7 children. Having been married to the same person since the age of 16, he now wishes to experiment further, though only with willing single women, as he fervently insists, revealing a concealed poetic bent, "Despite coming from 'ere (Rosudgeon), I ain't bleddy queer!"

Willy insisted on being photographed wearing this papier mache head so that his wife, Rosemary, wouldn't recognise him. As he says "If she duh see this and duh knaw i's me, I'll get bleddy 'ell." We did try to warn him... Ladies, if you are interested in a man who claims to be the soul of discretion itself, then Box 5682 is the one for you.

Horton Baragwaneth (29) is a fully qualified dentist with his own surgery in Zennor. Horton is a sensitive man, who was badly hurt by an affair some years ago with a girl who worked in the Warrens shop in Market Jew Street. Having been single for some years now -- after his unfortunate affair -- Horton is ready to try again with someone who could share the interests he has acquired in the interim.

Horton is a collector. He has never thrown a tooth away and now has 1,769 samples, all labelled. Branching our from dentistry, he also has one of the largest stool samples in West Cornwall, thanks to the specially adapted patients' toilet in his surgery. He eagerly admits that he is only 27 away from his first 1,000 in this collection. Ladies, if you would like to share Horton's life and his collections, write in to Box 4571.

Irene Upton O'Good (42) is an Irish potter working in Sancreed. Irene took up pottery during her second stretch in prison. Shy about past achievements, she will not say what she was in for, beyond saying that "it will be the last time that bastard ever screws another woman". She is a member of the Sancreed branch of Pyromaniacs Anonymous.

A gifted virtuoso castanets player, Irene is devoted to developing her artistic side. She does not wish to return to prison and is therefore looking for a quiet relationship with a man (or woman, a taste acquired in prison) who can offer a home to her and her thirty two pet weasels. Box 7629

Terry/Teri Angwin (25) is a tranvestite electrician from Hayle. A bearded, 25 stone, club-footed hulk of a man, he is able -- in the evenings -- to transform himself into the dream young woman on the left and assumes the name Teri.

Terry plays in the back row for the Cornish Pirates rugby team, none of whom know about his feminine side, although Terry tells us that he had a hot night with one of them when he had put on his make-up to become Teri. Clearly a complex character, Terry/Teri would like a relationship with an understanding man, who would accept Terry's life as an electrician and a rugby player. Box 5683

Madron Pengelly (56) is a butcher from St Just, who was divorced from his second wife just a year ago, after she discovered him in the cellar with their Labrador dog.

Madron is a keen member of the Old Cornwall Society, a member also of two different male choirs, and is a bellringer. He still plays with the Meccano set he received as boy of ten and enjoys all card and board games.

He is pictured here with his organ, his favourite possession, and would like to find someone new in his life who will enjoy his organ as much as he does. As a bachelor he lives on shop pasties and Jelbert's ice cream. His dream will be complete if he can find "a good woman, 'oo can cook proper!" Box 5673

Gaspar Ruiz (76) is a former Cardinal from the USA, who retired to Cornwall following certain allegations. Conspicuous in Tremethick Cross because he still wears all the regalia of his former office, Gaspar is on orders to keep a low profile. He has joined the local Men's knitting circle and has also joined the queue for a place in the Tregavarah Bowls Club.

A keen pipe smoker -- getting through two tins of Dunhill's Early Morning pipe tobacco each day -- Gaspar is keen to form a pipe-smoking club in Tremethick Cross. He is keen to hear from anyone -- man or woman -- who would like to join his club. He would be particularly keen to hear from anyone else in Tremethick Cross who wears -- or would like to wear -- clerical garb like him. Box 5734.

THE FACE THAT LAUNCHED A 1000...?

Pictured below is an angel of our health service, charming 28-year-old virgin, Sister Tamsin Roskilly from out Tregavarah. But is she more? Could she also be, as her mother now claims, the most beautiful girl there ever was?

Tamsin is, of course, very talented and this is evident in her already having become a Ward Sister at the West Cornwall Hospital, before the age of 30. She has also -- over the years -- assembled an impressive collection of 17 tame albino moles, with which she feels a great affinity.

Being extremely short-sighted, she has compensated by developing an acute sense of hearing, which enables her not only to locate objects but also to discern their colour and judge their weight, just by listening closely. The nursing staff have sometimes jokingly, but very fondly, referred to her as "the bat", because of her astounding abilities in this respect.

However, her mother Agnes now claims, in a revelation that has set the whole of Tregavarah gossiping, that her daughter is none other than the re-incarnation of the fabulous Helen, wife of King Menelaus of Sparta, the cause of the Trojan war and whose face, according to Homer, "launched a thousand ships".

We ask our readers to take a long lingering look into the eyes of Tamsin and see if they can then withdraw. There is, you will agree, a curious magnetic pull to those eyes -- a hypnotic power, which draws you ever further in -- behind the bottle end glasses into the soul of this chaste, but passionate, female.

In an instance of history repeating itself, Agnes Roskilly also revealed that a boat is to be launched (in the boating pond next to Lidl) and named after her daughter -- the Tamsin. The boat will be launched by her neighbour's 8-year-old son, Tommy, sometime during the summer half-term holiday. It will be crewed by Fidget, one of Tamsin's moles.

Mrs Roskilly would also be pleased to hear from any young Menelaus out there who is so struck by Tamsin's photo that he would like to meet her.