MADRON MENDICANT EXPOSED AS MILLIONNAIRE

For many years, Beelzebub Bennet (94) has been a well-known face around Madron.  His lurking presence has perfumed its busy streets with his distinctive odour for as long as many can remember and for, at least, some fifty years.

His cheery grin, unadorned by teeth, and outstretched hands, unrestrained by any misplaced sense of shame, have welcomed many a charitable coin over those years.

It was said by Our Lord that "The poor you will always have with you" and so it came to pass that Bennet's constant presence has been accepted by the god-fearing folk of Madron as some necessary part of the street furniture.

He seems to have an uncanny sense for what he terms 'a loose coin' and approaches people with all the confidence of a metal detector to prise that loose coin from its erstwhile owner.

The good people of madron have always assumed that he must live in the most reduced circumstances and could always be relied upon to 'spare a bob for Beelzebub'.

It has therefore come as a huge shock to them to learn that his steady begging income has turned him into one of the richest men in West Penwith.

Using a reporter's technique known professionally as 'tailing', one of the Roundup's temporary junior assistant deputy under-reporters followed Bennet home and discovered that the professional beggar has done so well out of the people of Madron that he has been able to build a castle for himself near St Erth.

This imposing residence, known as 'Dunbeggin', was built at huge cost, using specially imported stone from Sweden.  Locals know nothing of the owner except that he is a recluse, who is only ever visited by his shapely Private Banking Manager, Tamsin Pengelly, who comes down from Truro on her moped to see him once a month.

When our reporter tried to confront Bennet, he quickly scuttled into the deep recesses of his castle, displaying a breathtaking turn of speed.  That was two days ago, since when he has not been seen - either at his castle or in Madron.

Madron residents, Edna and Pammie Trembath, both qualified gas fitters and a happy civil partnership couple - shown here delighted to be pictured in their favourite magazine - told the Roundup, "Ee've taken we fera ride, ee ave, the lill bugger!  Stop anywhere ona pavement upere and for yuduh knawit, eezere withiz andout! Course yuduh smellun for yuduh see ovun.  Well I kintellee, ee've adthe las' coin ee's gunnget outah we!"

Edna and Pammie aren't the only disgruntled Madron residents to react in this way to the news.  In a quick telephone survey, the Roundup has established that only 94% of the Madron population would now be prepared to 'spare a bob for Beelzebub'.

The Roundup will report further.

PUBLIC ANNOUNCEMENT

The Greater Relubbus Urban Council (GRUC) has today passed a law outlawing 'the passing of wind', which will be known as the 'No Farting Directive'.

The GRUC believes that everyone must 'do their bit' to cut down on the production of gases which contribute to the phenomenon known as Global Warming.

The Chief Scientist to the GRUC, Profesor Pol Pender (pictured), took air samples up and down Boswedden Lane last Saturday and found the levels of what he he terms 'fart gas' to be alarmingly high.

In part this can be explained by the fact that many people opt for a shop pasty when they are out shopping and the pastry in these is known to considerably increase the incidence of flatulence.

Professor Pender has calculated that, if the global population were to generate flatulence levels similar to those captured in Boswedden Lane, the global warming effect effect would cause a 20 metre rise in sea levels, which would put Newlyn Bridge under water.

In the interests of the people of Newlyn and elsewhere, a strict 'no farting' law is now to be applied. People are required - by law - to retain and reabsorb all and any gas.  Professor Pender insists that this retention practice is only 'likely to be fatal in less than 5% of cases'.

Equipped with special 'gas vision' glasses, the Relubbus constabulary will be able to impose spot fines of £10,000 - or amputation of a limb - on anyone breaking this new law.

Signs will be posted throughout Greater Relubbus.

CHARACTERS AROUND RELUBBUS

JJ Jago

Tremethick Cross is the sort of place you could coast through quickly almost without noticing as you speed from the metropolitan grandeur of Penzance on the way to the infamous fleshpots of St Just, to the fine dining and quaffing offered by the landlady at Newbridge, or simply to the tense gambling haunts of Pendeen.

Yet to do so would be to miss one of the hidden jewels, one of the best-kept secrets of West Penwith.  For amongst the small cluster of habitations that make up this cosy hamlet is one lodged in by none other than the legendary Jimmy Jago.  

The colourful 'JJ', shown here on the right of the photo with three of his devoted acolytes, is a man of many parts, many of which almost fit.

 Many know "JJ" as the former St Erth Creamery worker, as the bar-room raconteur, as the purest lady-bait, as the Kernow-wide famous petard extraordinaire, as the passionate advocate of the rights of nude chess players, as the champion of the freedoms of those exploring inter-species relations between humankind and hedgehogs, but just how many also knew that JJ started out life as a woman?!

The Roundup can reveal, with JJ's permission, that for the first 28 years of his life JJ was, in fact, Jennifer Angwin (pictured).

The Three Plumbers

Opera has (or had) 'The Three Tenors' and Marazion has 'The Three Plumbers', who are, in fact, also three brothers.  They are Sidney (79), Clarence (81), and Hedley (83) Clemo.  The boys, who still live with their long-widowed mother, Temperance (109), in Goldsithney, all still work.

As Hedley says, "Maither tole we that we gotta work slongas she duh work.  She's still cookin' fer we an' she duh do eour washin' anall, so we boys gotta wait bit till we duh retire!"

The boys still attend the Sunday School at Marazion Methodist Chapel and the highlight of their year still remains the annual charabanc ride to Praa Sands for the Annual Sunday School Tea Treat.  Says Sidney, "Sum ansum ee is too, you duh git bottla pop and git saffern bun!  We duh forward to un, I kintellee."

Despite their professional pre-occupation with water systems, the trio are, when it comes to personal ablutions, ardent practitioners of water conservation.  All three roundly abjure the wastefulness of bathing and showering and instead prefer to 'freshen up' with just a light sprinkle of water on the face each week.  Clarence, enveloped in a carefully cultivated protective mist of miasmic whiff, proclaimed, "Jugga water duh last we a month, boy!"

ADVERTISEMENT FEATURE

The runaway comedy hit "I beg your pardon!" now showing at the Relubbus Panopticon at the end of fashionable Boswedden Lane has just entered its amazing 14th week.

However, the show has proved such a knockout success with the Cornish public of all ages that its run at the 10,000 seat theatre has been extended for a further two weeks.

People have been coming from as far as Helston, Falmouth and even Truro to view Pendeen-born Wesley B. Behenna's comedic masterpiece about the Nance family, whose life is set in Colinsey Road, Penzance.

The cast are, from the left, Mr Spinks, played by Horton Treloar (25), Mr Wakfer, played by Madron Tregenza (31), cheeky Mrs Spinks, played by Phoebe Polkinghorne (24) and Mrs Wakfer, played by Lamorna Trevorrow (19).

Mr Spinks is seen holding Brathky, the farting dog, who is central to much of the humour in this 5 hour play.

If you haven't seen it - or if you are one of those who wish to see it again and again, hurry to get your ticket now!  Single ticket £112.  Two person ticket £250.  Family ticket (admitting one person only) just £500.

PEOPLE IN THE NEWS

Celebrated Newlyn violinist and inventor, Tamsin Oleander Pengelly-Saunders (29), who likes to be known as TOPS, is required to appear before magistrates in Relubbus on a string of charges including causing actual bodily harm.

Not content with her musical career, which has taken her right round West Penwith -- and even for a whole season to the famed Relubbus Hippodrome, which will have netted her a tidy sum adjacent to at least £594 -- she has also been spending time at her Gurnards Head “Small Man Surgery”.

She has invented – and patented – a steam powered ‘developer’, which she claims will help challenged gentlemen “to grow significantly in areas in which significant growth will be appreciated”. Having conducted extensive testing with mice - one of which survived, she came up with 'the answer'.

The evil device in question is pictured on the left.

Her first client, Rodney Clemo (42) of 18 Colinsey Road in Penzance, had grown tired of the relentless belittling he had been subjected to at school and in his job, where, as a fireman, he was required to take showers with other men. He had acquired the nickname “microscope” and had grown heartily sick of the matter. He was therefore only too keen to stump up his life savings of £32,000 to be the first to try TOPS’s patented device, the Begrubulator.

No sooner than he had inserted himself inside the device than he became trapped. The steam built up, the heat built up and in seconds Clemo was in absolute agony. It was only when his firefighter colleagues arrived (to his great and enduring embarassment!) that he could be rescued and ferried to hospital. Clemo is pictured on the left. Whilst bandaging is only required in his nether regions, he has, for shame, insisted on being bandaged from head to foot.

TOPS meanwhile is completely shocked, saying “I am completely shocked!” Police have raided the Gurnards Head premises and confiscated the device. The Roundup will report further on the development of this case.


Denzil Mevagissey (55), a milkman of Tolcarne in Newlyn, is a man whose name is rarely out of the high society pages in West Penwith.

His dress sense is legendary and, whilst he chooses to make little of his innate stylishness (“I jes’ threw it on”), what he wears today is worn throughout Cornwall by the fashionable tomorrow.

He is a patron of the Swordfish Inn, where he likes to take an evening drink between 5 pm and 11pm, at which time he is carried home by loyal retainers and hangers-on. Staff at the Inn are used to its being picketed by fashion photographers -- all eager to be the first to be able to obtain a snap of what the great man is now wearing.

Denzil is a modest man of limited ambitions. At home, he is content with the company of his two budgies, “Pinky and Perky’. No woman is required to give his home a female touch – it relaxes in a permanent and only mildly pungent easy male lassitude.

Denzil does enjoy the comfort he obtains from his roll-ups and the brown-stained fingers of his right hand provide ample testimony to the frequency with which he ‘smokes a choker’.

Now, however, the notoriety of this ‘man of style’ has been elevated yet further by the deathbed confession of his mother, Agnes (94), that Denzil is the lovechild of none other than Lamorna lothario, Uriah “Ukelele” Uren (pictured here on the left - with a banjo - to show his versatility!).

Uren, who died some fifty years ago, charmed his way into the heart of many a young Cornishwoman. Indeed, some geneticists maintain that such was his charm – and his spellbinding speed with his trouser buttons - that he fathered 10% of all the children born in West Penwith between 1948 and 1958, when he died ‘of trouser exhaustion’. Few can deny that there are many folk born in this period who have the traditional ‘Uren nose’.

If so many folk were indeed fathered by the ubiquitous Uren, some may wonder why Agnes should have felt that her experience of a Uren knee-trembler was so different. As Agnes herself claimed, “I seduced ov un, I was the first, I was!!”

ADVERTISEMENT

The Sancreed branch of the Methodist Fundamentalist Young Women’s League (Armed Division) has fallen below its desired number of 500 members and is now appealing for young women of a Methodist persuasion to apply for membership. Applicant females are required to foreswear ‘drinkon’, dancon’ and all other works of the devil'. They must be between 18 and 24, be handy with a gun, but must never ever have been within 50 yards of an unrelated male, unless he was dead.

The young ladies spend their exciting evenings listening to Radio Cornwall, assembling and disassembling their guns, making St Piran flags in crochet and knitwear, engaging in light-hearted banter and holding farting competitions. If you are a young lady who fits the bill, and likes the bill of fare, then telephone Morwenna Rosewarne on Sancreed 74562.

PROFESSOR MADRON PENGELLY, PSYCHOTHERAPIST

CELEBRITY NEWS
Professor Madron Pengelly (29) is, in the opinion of his mother, the world’s greatest psychotherapist. He has, apparently, helped the disturbed minds of countless global glitterati who have flocked to his consulting rooms in his Granpa’s shed just off the Long Rock Industrial Estate.

A session with him reminds all classical scholars of the celebrated partnership between Plato and Socrates, for Professor Pengelly is always in the company of his adviser, Dan Jago.

Pictured here are, on the right, Professor Pengelly himself, and, on the left, his constant companion since the age of 15, the redoubtable Dan Jago.

Although they have animated conversations with one another, it is only ever Dan Jago who now speaks to third parties, including Professor Pengelly’s mother, Sandra (58).

Thus it was that our interview with the young genius was conducted entirely through the medium of Dan Jago, who had been given a good wash by Mrs Pengelly prior to our visit.

We asked whether Professor Pengelly was prepared to name any of the famous folk he is said, by his mother, to have helped. Dan Jago became very animated at this point and rounded on us declaring “We are neither able nor willing to breach patient confidentiality”.

Roundup reporters are nothing if not dogged and the reporter assigned to undertake this interview, Pender “Ferret” Treglown, was not prepared to be so easily discouraged. Negotiations commenced immediately and rapidly advanced to a point whereby Pengelly, according to Jago, was prepared, for a sum no less than £1.49 and no more than £1.51, to spill the beans on his two latest clients.

Neither of these two clients is in the category of international glitterati. In fact, they are both local girls. However, they have agreed, only after the offer of suitably attractive financial inducements, to give their accounts of psychotherapy with “Dan and Mad”.

Elspeth Behenna (21), of Kenidjack describes herself as a freelance corpse dresser. It is a lonely job, travelling from morgue to morgue, cleaning up the recently deceased to look their best for their beloved.

It is perhaps the solitary nature of her professional life that allowed her to slip into the aberration, which became her undoing, of eating (after frying in olive oil!) the left buttock of each of her clients. When she confessed this on a visit to Father Christmas at the R C Oates Superstore, it was his shocked reaction and refusal to give her a present that made her realise that something was wrong. She then approached “Dan and Mad” for help.

She stated that it was only a matter of seconds until Dan fully commanded her attention and until she was no longer conscious of the fact that Mad’s right hand disappeared into the sock that was Dan. She reported that every time that Dan spoke in his high-pitched squeaky voice with a pronounced Camborne accent, Mad’s left hand was covering his (Mad's) mouth.

With artful verbal proddings, Elspeth was soon made to feel the error of her ways and she is now over her little aberration. As she says herself “I do’n eat bum no more!!”

The next patient, Rosie Trembath (24) of Landewednack presented more of a challenge, as became apparent during the first of their 42 (so far) consultations.

Rosie, a self-employed market gardener, has, since the age of 14, had an itch problem ‘down below’, which can only be relieved by vigorous couplings. The frequency with which such relief had to be sought was beginning to get in the way of her day job and she realised that she had a problem. Thus she had recourse to “Dan and Mad”.

Professor Pengelly’s usual manner of procedure was interrupted right from the first consultation, when Rosie began to outline the nature of her complaint. The professor’s left hand slipped from his mouth and moved to his trouser pocket. Rosie then became the first patient to witness the professor’s mouth moving as Dan spoke, but she was distracted from this obvious observation by the strange, but mesmerisingly rhythmic movements in Professor Pengelly’s trousers as she told her tale.

Enervated by the whole experience, Rosie felt no further itches as long as she kept her regular appointments with the Professor, which she continues to do to this day.

Thus we have but two accounts of therapy with this unusual man. However, a reliable source , Mrs ‘Ollis, who does cleaning at nearby Morrisons, has seen several celebrities slipping in and out of the hut, including the Chancellor of Germany, Frau Merkel, His Holiness the Pope, Presidents Bush and Sarkozy, Mrs Cherie Blair and Basil Brush. We will be watching!

PEOPLE IN THE NEWS

The Roundup provides a 'roundup' of people who have been making the big news in West Penwith!
Voluptuous Brenda Rosewarne (27) from Tregeseal, St Just, is not just a go-ahead executive in charge of sheet music for Marshall James' Music in Market Jew Street, Penzance!

In her spare time, she is active in four different sports. Last week she came 8th in the Tregeseal Methodist Church Egg and Spoon Race.

The week before, she managed to secure 3rd place in the Pendeen Open Cross Country 5 mile Hopping (left leg only) race.

Last month, she scooped second prize in the Tremethick Cross Magnifying Glass Ant-frying Speed Contest (frying 356 ants in just 30 minues!).

Yesterday, she topped all her other achievements by coming first in the Sancreed Sack Race (It differs from other such races in that the sack is worn over the head and thus, once one has been spun round the regulation 36 times to achieve disorientation, one has precious little chance of going in the right direction, quite apart from covering the 220 yards in the required 8 minutes). Breathless Brenda was over the moon with her performance, saying "I am over the moon!"

Hankie Penhaligon (41), on his organ on the left, and Ben Dover (39), fully engaged with his instrument on the right, are kitchen fitters by day, but sing proudly for God in the evenings.

The two boys founded the group "Cornish Voices for Jesus" years ago at Mousehole Methodist Youth Club. Now their runaway success with their last hit, "Satan's feet don't smell too good!", has won them the support of the Christian Records Label and bookings from Heamoor to St Buryan.

Mecca Bingo caller, Dougie Botterell (76) has been let off without a caution for "pestering" young innocent Penny Treglown (21). The couple are pictured here together last month at the Mecca Bingo in Penzance, when Dougie called her up for the twentieth time for a special prize.

Penny complained, "the dirty old bugger was jes lookin' down my cleavage". The magistrate, Mr Tommy Botterell (no relation) said, "No one can blame my cousin for wanting to have a look. Have you seen the size of them? She ought to carry a health warning!"




Prospidnick Stage Hypnotist Jacko Clemo (52) has been in the news recently for all the wrong reasons. He originally achieved fame by hypnotising rabbits and getting them to recite medieval poetry and perform other un-rabbit-like acts. He is believed to have achieved the peak of his career some years back, when he hypnotised some grass snakes into thinking they were birds and actually got them to fly!

Now, alas, how the mighty have fallen! He was arrested last week for preying upon the residents of the Gwithian Home for Retired Gentlewomen, having hypnotised them (none of them are younger than 97) into believing that they were the 25 year old inhabitants of a house of ill repute and that he was the sole gentleman they had to entertain.

Gay Cornwall was over the moon at the celebrity marriage in Camborne of Mebyon Kernow Gay Rights Campaigner, Aloysius Landshark (45), "with all the gay gear" on the left, to his chosen partner Ben Dover (28), an unemployed brick-layer from Falmouth.

The happy couple were said to be overjoyed that so many representatives of the Devon & Cornwall Police (Gay division) had turned out to be supportive and perform their synchronised baton-waving routine.

The happy couple will honeymoon at Long Rock for 7 weeks and will then be moving into a caravan near Sennen to begin married life together, with their budgie, "Harold", who is not gay.

EXCLUSIVE: "WILLIAM WALES" ENJOYS RELUBBUS HIGHLIFE

Roundup Diarist Madron Killigrew lifts the veil off Relubbus Society
By day, man-about-town Madron Killigrew (32) is a shopping trolley collector at the RC Oates Superstore in Relubbus, but every evening he is the "must have" guest at soirees, parties, functions, launches and social occasions of every kind throughout Relubbus.

As he is such a well-connected young man, constantly in and out of the best addresses in fashionable Boswedden Lane, he is the natural choice to write our Society Diary...

Pictured here are no strangers to the upmarket Coke Bar in Lower Boswedden Lane -- Willy Wales (32), heir to the English throne, accompanied by his latest squeeze, Kate Middleton (29).

Willy is a keen motor bike rider and purchased this mean machine from Long Rock Speedsters. Each bike comes with four free packets of Wills Woodbines, and Willy manfully draws a lungful while he poses for this picture.

Kate playfully calls Willy "Bratwurst" to remind him of his family's German origins, while Willy playfully calls Kate "doors to manual" to remind her of her mum's job before she struck lucky.



Pictured yesterday as they strode along to the Karl Lagerfeld fashion show being held at the Boswedden Lane Upper Kwop are, on the left, Jade Goody (44), with devoted admirer John Todd (29), who plays Tonto in the popular Lone Ranger series now showing on Relubbus television.

John and Jade have already had seven children, but are believed to be trying for another, as Jade would like nothing better than to have a "little red injun" child.

The family fortunes have slumped somewhat in the recent past following the death of various people who have been trying Jade's slimming products. Whilst they certainly help fatties shed the pounds, it seems they also induce rapid heart failure. Says Jade, "Oh well, back to the drawing board!"

Startled by our hotshot photographer Horton Baragwaneth, the latest Mrs Sarkozy, voluptuous Carla Bruni (45), is shown here coming out of Daphne Tregonning's hairdresser's in Boswedden lane, Relubbus. The former Ms Bruni used to have her hair done at Shelleys Hair and Beauty in St Just. Wanting to treat herself to something really special for her wedding, she went to Daphne Tregonning's for a hairdo and special body makeover -- and never looked back.

Mere mortals thinking of giving themselves the "Tregonning treatment" in order to look just like Carla are reminded that a hairdo alone at Daphne's costs £2.99, whilst the full body makeover costs a further £1.39. Better save up, girls!

Vic Pengelly (35) is pictured here at his wedding to budding and pouting Relubbus film starlet, Agnes Trevorrow (39).

Pengelly, the dreamboat manager of the Relubbus Labour Exchange was always believed to have been a Boots-bag-carrying icon of the West Penwith gay movement, often seen exiting the Morrab Gardens gents' toilets, while Miss Trevorrow was always regarded as being his "beard".

There was stunned reaction throughout the West Penwith gay community at the announcement of his wedding. The happy couple are thrilled with this picture, which they have chosen to be the official picture of their happy event.

Pictured on the left are the famous Sennen Cove juggling trio, the Menheniot Brothers, pictured outside their caravan with their widowed mother Bathsheba (108).

The boys all work at the St Erth Creamery. From right to left are Tommy (42), Zeke (51), and Archilaus (62). Archilaus only last week got out of prison, where he was serving a 4 year sentence for various instances of indecency. He has now removed the offending elements from his part of the juggling act.

The boys will be performing live at the Relubbus Panopticon theatre all next week.

STAR INTERVIEW: CHEBNEY QUISTLE

Artist, poet, and musician Chebney Quistle speaks to the Roundup

The Relubbus Roundup will be running a series of "big name" interviews and, to launch the series, is proud to be able to publish an interview between none other than Renaissance man, Chebney Quistle (64), and star Roundup reporter, Loveday Liddicoat (34). As Mr Quistle is resident near Vaduz, Lichtenstein, Ms Liddicoat availed herself of the new Western National Bus Services from Relubbus to Vaduz Station, taking a day return saver ticket at the incredible price of only £4 15s 3d.

Mr Quistle, an Englishman who has come to love Cornwall, has through his numerous paintings, musical compositions, prose and poetry written to the glory of Cornwall, made himself dear to many a true Cornishman.

He came to live in Boskednan near New Mill as a young man of 23 back in 1932. He acquired his great love of the Cornish natural world by walking in the hills around his new home.

It was only the dark clouds of scandal that forced him to move abroad, following the alleged incident in a field near Heamoor two years ago. However, despite lengthy painstaking investigations by both police and the RSPCA, no charges were ever brought against Mr Quistle and, indeed, milk yields in that particular herd went up and not down...

Although he chose to remain a confirmed bachelor, Chebney was a very keen participant in many aspects of local life. He was an officer in the Boys' Brigade and a leader in the Scouts and could always be relied upon when it came to taking boys away to camp. He was also a Choirmaster at his local Church, spending extra time with the owners of his treble voices to ensure the piping quality of their performance.

However, the bulk of his time was spent with the brush or the pen or with his beloved xylophones.

Pictured on the left is Chebney's most famous (and valuable) painting, entitled My House. It cost him some 8 months of tortured work and perfectly captures the atmosphere of Boskednan in the early 1830s, when he first came to live there. This great work was purchased at a price of some £55 for the Tate by Sir Richard Branson, who was a great friend and admirer of Chebney before the incident in Heamoor.

Leaving his very considerable achievements with the brush aside, Chebney was a maestro with the pen and is acknowledged to be one of the greatest English poets.

His poem I am is reckoned to be one of the finest statements of the human spirit in print.

I am -- I am what it is to be,
Because I am what it is to feel.
So ask, please, no more of me!

Ask ye no hedgehog, ask ye no eel!
Just ask Elizabeth to show you -- her spot!
That tender centre of her innermost being --
That is a wonder to behold and not to share!

Brake markings on my underpants --
They are proof of my being there!
They will fade, as do all marks of human kind,
But when fresh, they are proof to the curious nose.

There are, grant you, prettier things -- like daffodils;
Like wandering trees on distant hills:
They summon up images of years gone by,
And of happy peoples whose smiles are no more.

I tire of musing and must close down
Or we will both wear your worried frown.
So go now away and leave me alone,
To play my wondrous Xylophone!

This phenomenally great work was purchased by Roman Abramski for the Russian Nation at a price of 76 billion roubles in 1995.

Chebney was never happier that when playing on his Xylophone. His favourite work, which he played for hours on end, was The three mice, who couldn't see! Like all great works, this too was subject to much plagiarism -- a popular version of it now circulating as "The three blind mice".

The Star Interview went as follows:

Loveday Liddicoat: "Mr Quistle, I do not wish to embarrass you, but could you tell us in your own words just what was happening in that field in Heamoor?"

The great man: " You little bugger! You...you....you....". Gasping for breath," You....". Eyes swimming, he then expired. Since no further words came from the great man, we must let his works alone speak for him.

CELEBRITY NEWS

SPOTLIGHT ON YOUNG ZENNOR GENIUS
By Social and Arts Correspondent Elsie Rescorla

Alcibiades Bicycle-Pump, although only 14 years of age, is one of the world's foremost experts on the uses to which nasal dewdrops can be put. He blundered into this field of expertise, whilst assiduously researching the similarities between nasal and rectal polyps, both of which internal excrescences have played a major and upsetting part in his short life so far.

Born to a Zennor family with long traditions in both pig-rearing and sheep-interfering, Alcibiades (who changed his name at the age of 8 years by deed poll from the original Adrian Polkinghorne-Davey) was determined not to let the fleshy outgrowths in his nose and bum interfere with the quality of his life.

A quiet boy, who liked nothing better than to play alone with his blowtorch and his collection of 104 black rats, he always seemed destined for greater and better things. He was from the start, and remains, a keen observer of nature as well as a dedicated experimenter.

At the age of only 6, he published his first book entitled Metastatic Transformation through Flatulence Inhalation, or Harnessing the power of little hot smells. This scholarly tome attracted praise from scientists and educationalists alike as it put across its message -- as the title reveals -- with a crystal clarity appealing to the scientist yet also accompanied by simple statements understandable to any small child.

Now after years of dedicated scientific research -- interrupted only occasionally by "downtime" fun with his rats and blowtorch -- Alcibiades has produced another book full of original research and enlightening findings entitled The Metaphysics of celestial nasal rain -- or the point of a dewdrop.

The book is crammed with interesting hitherto unknown facts about the dewdrop and is arranged in tantalising chapters with more-ish titles such as "The new lubricant"; "Canine nose flow varieties and their use as subtle food flavourings"; "Equine nasal flow and its use in shampoo"; "The human dewdrop and atomic power" as well as the intriguing "Porcine nasal flow -- the new Viagra".

Alcibiades is very modest about his accomplishments and is content to continue his general education at the Relubbus Renaissance Academy in Boswedden Lane. He has already turned down numerous invitations to study at Princeton and Harvard and will, in due course, progress to the prestigious Relubbus International University to become just another of its 30,000 students.

However, it is widely expected that he will quickly progress through undergraduate and post-graduate study to lead research and development in many of Relubbus's ground-breaking projects, in particular the time travel project, on which, with financial backing from mega multi-billionaire retailer RC Oates, he has already made a good start during his summer holidays. He has so far succeeded in sending back several of his rats, one milkman, and a postman to the 21st century BC. He is now working hard to try to bring them back again -- so far without success. However, one must remember that he is only 14 years of age. Another Relubbus "great" in the making.

Issue 15, 5th November 2007

IMMIGRANTS "MUST LEARN CORNISH"
By political correspondent Rendell Janner

At a tempestuous meeting of the Greater Relubbus Urban Council (GRUC) last night, controversial council leader Billy Spargo announced plans that would require all future immigrants to Relubbus to learn Cornish.

In recent years, there has been a huge rise in the number of people, particularly from England, wishing to emigrate to Cornwall -- and to Relubbus in particular. The picture shows a group of potential emigrants queuing outside the Relubbus Embassy in London.

Mr Spargo said that an "unacceptable" situation was developing whereby non-Cornish-speaking immigrants were electing to live in their own self-contained enclaves that had little or no contact with the indigenous population. Many immigrants, he said, made no effort to learn the language, and had no knowledge of Cornish history and culture.

This was "regrettable" for both the indigenous and the incomers, he said, because it made for a divided society in which both groups were impoverished. He called for both groups to explore and celebrate each other's cultures in a spirit of diversity.

Mr Spargo went on to say that the existence of self-contained immigrant "ghettos" was also dangerous, since it could encourage extremists on both sides to target the other's "tribe".

To reduce the problem of immigrant enclaves, Councillor Spargo said that, in future, all prospective immigrants who applied for residence in Relubbus would be required to take a test in Cornish Language and Culture. The Roundup has been lucky enough to obtain a sample test, which we reproduce below.

Cornish Language and Culture Test
Time allowed 2 hours. Write on both sides of the paper. Do not start until told to "Get 'un on!"

1. Write down, in full, all the verses of the Cornish National Anthem, Trelawny. (You may write the English version, if preferred.)

2. Jonathan Trelawny was:
(a) A 17th century bishop.
(b) Scrum-half for Cornwall in the 1991 County Championship Final.
(c) Inventor of the seed catalogue.

3. "An Gof" is Cornish for:
(a) A miner.
(b) A blacksmith.
(c) A travelling salesman.

4. The sentence "I'll do 'un drekkly" means:
(a) I'll do it right away.
(b) I'll do it tomorrow.
(c) I'll do it at some indeterminate point in the future.

5. Write down the recipe for "'eavy (or "'eva") cake". Your cake must be of sufficient consistency and weight to act as a door-stop to a medium-sized oak door.

6. The patron saint of Cornwall is:
(a) St Augustine.
(b) St Piran.
(c) St Nicholas.

7. The national sport of Cornwall is:
(a) Wrestling.
(b) Rugby.
(c) Gig racing.
(d) Association football.

8. The colours of the Cornish national flag are:
(a) Red, white, and blue.
(b) Red and white.
(c) Black and white.
(d) White and black.

9. Which of the following materials have NOT been mined in Cornwall. (You may mark more than one.)
(a) Tin.
(b) Copper.
(c) Gold.
(d) Lead.
(e) Arsenic.
(f) Rhubarb.

10. Which of the following did Richard Trevithick NOT invent:
(a) High-pressure steam pumping engine.
(b) Steam-driven carriage.
(c) The Hawaian surf board.

Note to examiner: Answering (d) to Question 7 or (b) to Question 8 results in automatic failure.

Mr Spargo went on to say that, provided that prospective immigrants passed the simple "Language and Culture" test, to gain admittance to Relubbus they would be required to:

1. Undertake to attend an extended course of Cornish language lessons.

2. Swear allegiance to Relubbus on the flag of St Piran.
CREATIONISM IN OUR SCHOOLS -- the debate!
By Education correspondent Rendell Janner
Relubbus Central Hall in fashionable Boswedden Lane was the scene of a heated debate on Thursday evening, when the champion of Creationism, Goldsithney double-glazing mega-billionnaire Theophilus Rosewarne (on the right in our picture), clashed with Relubbus’ own "Appliance of Science", the acclaimed Praze-an-Beeble physicist, Professor Thelonius Treglown.

The Hall was packed with supporters of both sides. The referee of the debate was none other than the nephew of Councillor Billy Spargo, Harold Spargo, the noted, but somewhat retiring, Ludgvan philosopher.

Rosewarne was egged on by the legions of Methodist fundamentalists who made a point of attending the event. In dramatic fashion they filed into the hall one by one in total silence and lined the walls of the hall. All four of them were clad in black greatcoats, which barely concealed an array of weapons. With fearsome glances all around, they adopted threatening postures. Whenever Rosewarne got up to speak, they let out a deafening roar of repeated choruses of "Praise the Lord!". When Treglown tried to reply, they shouted out even louder "Work of the Devil!".

Given the presence of Spargo’s nephew, order was restored with the arrival of troops of Relubbus police, who took up positions around the hall and surrounded it completely -- a commendable feat, as there were only three of them. The temperature reached such a level that secret service man "Donkey" Clemo was called back to duty from a night off at the Bald Duck.

With order somewhat restored, Rosewarne trumpeted his belief that the whole of creation was summoned into being at a particular time on a particular day in a particular year -- the 23rd October 4004 BC. This elicited a cry of "Balderdash" from Donkey at the back of the hall. The fundamentalists looked him over and, realising that it was the secret policeman himself, a shadowy figure known and feared throughout West Cornwall, judged silence to be a better option than response.

Treglown, tempted to probe this astonishing accuracy further, asked at what time of day the creation event occurred. Rosewarne, his whole frame alive with the electricity of certainty, raised his finger at Treglown (as captured by our photo) and, fixing him with a glare that promised eternal damnation, declared loudly ‘It ‘appened at 2 o’ clock in the afternoon, jes' after danner!"

Clearly amused by this devastating show of hell-fire simplicity, Treglown, a witty man, asked Rosewarne if he also believed in Father Christmas, thereby earning an infuriated punch to the chin.

With Rosewarne now securely restrained by the powerful arms of Donkey Clemo, Treglown was hoisted to his feet by PC Hosking. He then gave a passionate speech in which he called for the light of clarity to illuminate the education of the children of Relubbus.

He asked for no more and no less than that they should be allowed to share the fruits of the labours of the men and women of science, of history, and of education. He called loudly for the retention of the teaching of evolution in the schools of Relubbus, "despite the fact that evolution occasionally gives rise to such laughable aberrations as Mr Rosewarne and the fundamentalists".

This last comment brought the house down and Relubbus Central Hall, usually a seat of learned debate, was transformed into an arena of fast and furious combat between fundamentalists and the police, who, aided by Donkey Clemo, eventually prevailed.

It is understood that the teaching of Creationism will be confined to the many Methodist fundamentalist schools (or madrasas) in and around Relubbus.
ADVERTISEMENT
Come Dancing with Jemima Trevithick!!

You may be getting on now, but you haven’t got a Zimmer.
The light may now be fading, but there’s still a little glimmer.
So come now to Jemima’s and we’ll teach those feet to dance
And while you learn the steps, you might well also find romance!

Retired, but not yet got your Zimmer? Then "Get down and Boogie" at Jemima Trevithick’s dance studio for the elderly!

Jemima, pictured here on the left in mid-groove, caters specifically for people of advanced years, who, whilst still capable of independent, unsupported, motion are a little unsteady on their feet.

This is a specialist facility for the elderly and it has a number of features, which set it apart from other dance studios.

In a friendly way, Jemima shouts very loudly at everyone through a megaphone, so that there is no possibility of their not hearing instructions.

The dance floor has a super-absorbent covering, so that any "accidents" from the incontinent are soaked up without trace -- apart from the smell, of course. Jemima also sells incontinence pads for both men and women.

All dancers are sprayed with heavy perfume on arrival so that there is no embarrassing "old people smell" in the dance studio.

The music is provided from a wind up record player and half-price lessons are available to those people who volunteer to operate the record player.

Each lesson costs a mere £149.99, which is cheap at the price, given that all Jemima’s helpers are qualified geriatric nurses, none of whom have been expelled ignominiously from their previous jobs.

So, if you’d like to lose Mum or Dad for a few hours, just bring them down to Jemima’s!! Jemima’s -- at 14, Boswedden Lane Relubbus
CELEBRITY -- hidden in Relubbus
By Social & Arts correspondent Elsie Rescorla
Relubbus is an economic powerhouse, a fortress of financial strength, a paradise of cultural delights, a land of brilliance and of tolerance. It is, therefore, no surprise that it has, over the years, drawn thousands of the world’s rich and powerful and just plain famous to come and live within it. Although these "celebrities" tend to gather in the environs of the fashionable diplomatic quarter, Boswedden Lane, they have been buying properties all over Relubbus. So just who are these celebrities in our midst? The Roundup shines its torch on just a few of them.

Jennifer Aniston was captured in the photo on the left looking very relaxed whilst taking tea at Polly’s Kettle in Marazion.

Jennifer is an American screen star, pursued by paparazzi wherever she goes. However, in Relubbus and West Cornwall there are so many famous people that she can simply blend into the overall tapestry of glitterati.

When in Relubbus, she lives a simple life. She likes to walk her pet badger, "Uggles", along the beach in the early mornings. She enjoys catching fish, sitting on the harbour wall, and then devours them live and raw. She enjoys simple, playful fun of the sort to be gained from "accidentally" jamming an umbrella into the spokes of a passing wheelchair and watching the startled passenger topple out, whereupon she assumes the character of "Miss concerned", helping the victim back into the chair and even signing an autograph.

George Clooney (left) is another Hollywood star who finds that he can only really be himself in Relubbus. Heart-throb George has taken to living under the assumed name and character of one William Ladner, painter and decorator. The clever plastic surgery he has had done boosts the efficacy of his disguise.

His cover is further maintained by the fact that his live-in partner, Avril Blewett, is convinced that they have lived together for 32 years and knew each other at school before that.

George will not sign autographs, but he will be happy to quote you for any internal or external decorating.

Charles Dickens, the celebrated novelist, is alive and well living in Relubbus, at the ripe old age of 195. Having given up writing some 137 years ago, he slipped away from his Gad’s Hill Place home in Kent to try another way of life altogether. He came down to Relubbus to work as a road sweeper, and is particularly happy that his "patch" is the Boswedden Lane area, because that is where all the rich and famous can be seen.


Jilly Goolden, the UK TV wine expert, can be seen here (wearing a particularly heavy disguise) clutching her habitual "wakey wakey" breakfast glass of wine.

Down in Relubbus, Jilly assumes the name of Selena Curnow and works as a sofa, bed, and chair tester for the Kwop furniture store. Despite branching out into this new way of life, she just can’t let the old wine habits go.

Ming (pronounced "Menzies") Campbell is the former leader of the Liberal Party in the UK. Deemed, at 94, a little too old to be leading the party, he was edged out by his colleagues’ cold shoulder. With his charming partner, Eric (a professional Tarot card reader, masseur, and make-up specialist), he has now come to Relubbus. Eric has used his skills to give Ming that "Black and White Minstrel Show" look, which Ming loves, because it was one of his favourite TV programmes.


Tony Blair is finding it hard to adjust to no longer being the UK prime Minister. He is seen here leaving No 10 Trevaskis Lane (purchased purely because of the house number) in a picture sent in to us by his wife. He is on his way to his new job in Curries in Penzance, where he is specialising in the selling of washing machines and spin dryers, since computers and new televisions contain more gadgetry than he is comfortable with. He travels to work with his wife, who has got a job behind the counter in Warren’s.


Roundup Reporters challenge Oates’ Superstore divvy coupon forger!
By Crime correspondent Rendell Janner
Doughty Roundup reporters have been on the trail of a mystery man who has been making forgeries of dividend coupons issued by the R C Oates superstore in Relubbus. These valuable coupons, which can be cashed in at the store, carry nominal values of from 9 to 37 pence. So far, at the outset of its new dividend scheme, the Superstore has issued 7 coupons, all to the value of 11 pence. However, the market has now been flooded with forgeries. Five coupons, all in the highest value of 37 pence each, have been presented to the store for redemption.

R C Oates, the multi-mega-billionnaire and canny businessman owner of the Superstore immediately became suspicious, since he knew that only 7 coupons had been issued and also that he didn’t intend to issue any more. He contacted the editor of the Roundup and asked for help in tracing the forger. Reporter Alcibiades "Grubber" Trevorrow and photographer Xenophon "Snapper" Kelynack were duly despatched to track down the super criminal.

Using CCTV from the superstore, which held images of the criminal trying to cash in the coupons, Grubber and Snapper soon tracked down and dramatically cornered none other than Trencrom Polglaze -- as shown in the photograph left. Mr Polglaze will appear before magistrates next Thursday.



LETTERS TO THE EDITOR
THIS WEEK'S STAR LETTER wins a limited-edition pewter statuette of GRUC council leader Billy Spargo, specially designed for the Roundup by internationally-famed sculptress Dame Barbara Hepwitch (decd.) *

Dear Sir,

As a long-term resident of Relubbus (moved down from London 8 years ago) I find much of your publication -- in particular, the anti-royalty references -- offensive. Camilla, Duchess of Cornwall, is a fine woman (as I know from a close acquaintanceship with her first husband) and does not deserve to be lampooned in this way.

The remainder of your rag I find incomprehensible. There seems to be a sub-culture in the area of which I was entirely unaware. Of course, it doesn't help that I don't speak the language.

Yours sincerely,
A.J. Cholmondely-Jackson (Major, retd.)

(The Roundup is always grateful to receive constructive criticism from its readers. To aid our English readers, we plan to publish further editions of our popular "Proper Job -- Cornish for the Non-Cornish" language tutorials. On the subject of the "Duchess of Cornwall", see our exposés of Lily Nichols. It is important to realize that the former Camilla Parker-Bowles and "Camilla, Duchess of Cornwall" are not the same person. Ed)

Dear Sir,

GRUC chairman Billy Spargo is a neighbour and good friend of mine and I can state categorically that he is NOT having an affair with Madame Sarcozy! And the rumours about the poodles are completely without foundation.

A publication of your undoubted probity and reputation should take more care in checking its sources!

Yours sincerely,
Annoyed, Relubbus (name and address supplied)
* Based on a design by Dame Barbara Hepwitch. Actual design by Tcheepo Plastics of Relubbus.
ALL THIS WEEK AT THE RELUBBUS MULTIPLEX
THE LATEST BLOCKBUSTER!

THE MAGNIFICENT SEVEN

starring YUL BRYNNER, STEVE McQUEEN, ELI WALLACH


1:30 p.m, 4:30 p.m., 7:30 p.m.

Poetry Corner
By our Poetry Correspondent, Alice Chirgwin-Jacka

It is our pleasure to be able to publish, from time to time, the less well known poetical works of the folk of West Penwith. One such less well known poet (though highly acclaimed by those who have had the pleasure of reading his works) is a Penzance chemist, who chooses to use a pseudonym to preserve his anonymity.

One of his more recent works focuses on the life of a chemist and we are proud to have the opportunity of publishing the poem here in full.

The Chemist

by Ranulph Oxyacetyline-Burner

When folk have problems with their motions
It is my task to brew up potions.
And this I do to stem the flow,
But, just as well, I can make them go.

If ladies fear the lines of age,
I have the wherewithal to assuage
Their need of ointments, creams, and waters --
To make their skin just like their daughters’.

For aches and pains of every sort
I have a solution that can be bought.
So if you are on a medical quest
Come straight to me, for I know best.

My shop is found on Market Jew,
From whence I have a splendid view
Of all that passes up and down
In this our most beloved town.

Lonely Hearts -- they need love too!

They yearn for someone - just like you.
If your heart’s desire is here today
Then write in fast -- without delay!

Amelia Tonkin (26) is a beauty therapist from Germoe. A gregarious girl, she says "I like bein’ out wi' me mates, ‘avin’ a laugh an’ a drink an’ a fag!" Having taken a first class degree in Astrophysics at Cambridge, she decided 5 years ago that she did not want a long term career, but preferred instead to get married and settle down in Cornwall and have kids. She now lives in the parental home and is learning to become a fully qualified beauty assistant at Tracey’s Hairstylist’s in Newbridge. She has spent the first three years becoming expert in fingernail painting and the time since then she has been working on feet. She says "I duh dearly luv doin’ this practical work and it’s much more interesting than what astrophysics was". Her ideal partner would be a trainee garage mechanic with a comparable astrophysical background. Box 5622 is the one for Amelia.

Joe Kelynack (34) is a British Gas engineer from Hayle. He has had some near misses in the romance stakes but, as he says, "A miss is a good as a mile -- I won’t be ‘appy till I’ve 'ad me first date!" Joe lives very much alone apart from his large goldfish and hamster collections, with which he spends a great deal of time in his quest to breed a "hamfish". Suffering, as he does, from virulent forms of OCD in matters of personal hygiene, interested young ladies will find that he is squeaky clean. He longs for real togetherness, which, for him, means being tucked up in bed with his jam-jams on next to the lady of his dreams, while she reads to him from his extensive Beano Annual collection till he falls into blissful sleep. If you would like to be the lady in Joe’s dream then write to Box 5671.


Tommy "Golem" Kneebone (24) is a member of the extreme Methodist fundamentalist group the Gwennap Gangsters. He is shown here at a secret location in St Ives Porthmeor beach, where he is in training to join the armed wing of the group, which is active and feared throughout Cornwall. He is looking for a "proper Cornish maid". However, she must be of the Gwennap persuasion herself. That means that she will remain fully covered (from head to foot) at ALL times, never speak or make noises (even during the daily beatings) and she must be able to make excellent pasties, which don’t break "when I’m on a mission!" Box 4592 if you are she!

Libby Liddicoat (25) from Tremethick Cross works at the St Erth Creamery as a shorthand typist for the manager. She is an activity girl and has lots of hobbies such as archery, hockey, underwater speed-knitting, and aerobic embroidery. She is also an avid collector -- of many different things such as cowpats and various animal droppings. She is particularly fond of collecting gentlemen’s wallets. She says that she is keen to take up line dancing with the right partner and is seeking a very specific sort of person.

Apparently, he must look just like George Clooney, have a car which costs as much as the average house, possess a pilot’s licence and have his own plane. He should have at least a couple of million in the bank. He should also live within walking distance of Tremethick Cross. She would like to have the pick of, at least, 6 people who fit the bill. If that’s you and you live in Tremethick Cross and lovely Libby is your sort of caring girl, then Box 6745 is the one for you!

Jemima Trevithick (29) from Perrananworthal is, at 3 foot 1 inch, a little on the short side. She works as a part-time cake decoration for Warrens Bakery. However she is very sensitive to any references to her small stature and is quite insistent that her man should be as tall as they come.

She does rather fancy a relationship with a basketball player or someone at least 7 foot tall. Jemima is a sweet and caring girl, who has simply not yet met the right man. She is a traditional home-maker, apart from her hobby of torturing kittens -- in which she displays an astounding inventiveness. Box 7894.

Baldence Bodinnar (32) is a ladies hairdresser living in Gurnard’s Head. He describes himself as a "sensitive" and would like to meet a young man of similar age and with a similarly wide parting. His hobbies are playing marbles and conkers. He has played the penny whistle in a folk band for some 14 years now (he wears a wig for such appearances) and is a competition class cabbage grower, who takes gardening very seriously indeed. The young man he hopes to meet will probably also be a hairdresser... from Marazion... called Dennis. So Dennis, if you are interested, "Baldence is willing". Write to Box 3391 (or call in at Hazel’s Hairfair in Newlyn).

IN THE NEXT BUMPER ISSUE

• ALARM IN CAPITAL AS CORNISH INVADE LONDON

• UNEXPECTED TWIST IN SARCOZY LOVE STORY

• CORNISH LANGUAGE INSTRUCTION IS BOOMING!

• BITTER FIGHTING ON HAYLE BORDER

• THE ROUNDUP VISITS THE IRANIAN EMBASSY

• Our socially-responsible Lonely Hearts section

• And much, much more!