EUROVISION 2010: SOME SONGS, SOME HOPES!

Here the Roundup reviews some of the entries in this year's ever popular Eurovision Song Contest.

ISRAEL

Some people are confused that Israel should be taking part in a European competition, as it is a little bit like Ireland competing in the Pan-African Games.

However, this year those perplexed people are set to become even more confused.  This year the Israeli entry in this song competition is - mystifyingly - a mime act!

Yes, the biggest surprise of all in the 2010 Eurovision Song Contest is the entry from Israel, the gay mime act "Contortions", featuring Shlomo Weiszman (48) and his young friend, Mordecai Grudz-Already-Yet-Still (21).

This hugely talented pair, a mime act from downtown Jaffa, has attracted record crowds at bus stops all over Israel with their compelling representations - performed entirely in mime - of great political events, of great songs and of great instrumental music.

They are hoping to win this year with their frankly frenetic mime representation of Stravinsky's Firebird.

BELGIUM

Belgium can always be relied upon to give a good entertaining performance in Eurovision, having come second in the competition on 24 occasions.  It will be no different his year with the entry of the lady who is coming to be known as Belgium's Blonde Beauty (BBB).

From de Kerkstraat in Dikkelvenne comes mistress of the Belgian triangle, Veerle van Nagelmakkers (18).  Veerle is not only the most accomplished triangle player to have emerged from Dikkelvenne in the past few months, she has also found the time to become a fully qualified pubic hairdresser.

In her spare, she breeds long-haired hamsters and is an avid follower of well-known (in Belgium) soaps such as the gripping 'Wittekerke' and the sometimes raunchy 'Thuis'.  In fact, Veerle thinks she looks just like Femke in the TV show.

She will be giving her 47 minute rendition of the classic Flemish favourite 'De Vlaamse Muis' accompanying herself on her trusty treble triangle.

GERMANY

Hot from the Hamburg club scene comes Germany's surprise ladyboy entry "Die Nussknacker", made up of Guido Schlampe (27), Bodo Heisspumpe (27) and Udo Nagellack (27).

The trio are all sheet metal workers in the same company, where they discovered that they all shared an interest in developing their feminine side.

Meeting up after work for pamper sessions, they also made the happy discovery that they shared a love of singing - or, rather, yodelling.  They began to work up a yodelling routine, which they tried out at their favourite haidresser's in Hamburg, Marco's (a subsidiary of the 'The Male Company' in Hayle).

Gushing in unison (with only the faintest yodel in the voice) the likely lads trilled "Effrevun sought zat ve vere vunderful, darlink!"  They went on to conquer the clubs and then mainstream television with ease in their own show "Boys und Ladies".

The lads will be yodelling for Germany in the coming contest, but will be singing in English in their own composition dedicated to the German Chancellor "I vunt a haircut like Angela!"

UNITED KINGDOM

Desperate to win again, the UK is pinning all its hopes on the man from Relubbus, Benny Bolitho and his Big Banjo.

Benny was originally a Pendeen man and has been charming audiences up and down Cornwall as a well-known and much-loved act for the past fifty years.

From his pictures, people always assume that Benny is playing an outsize banjo.  It is only when they meet him that they realise that the banjo is of a normal size and that it is Benny, who is a bit on the small side.

Using this fact to his advantage, Benny has made a perfectly good living over the years as a mobile garden gnome.  He is also further blessed in that he has, as the Cornish would say, "gotsum voice onun, abnuh?"

Accompanying himself on his banjo, Benny will be deploying his bewitchingly tuneful falsetto voice to give a rendition of the classic Cornish favourite 'Lil' Lize'.

As people in the Greenmarket in Penzance were saying only yesterday "Benny'll walk un easy!"

EUROVISION –- SHOCK AFTER SHOCK!

Millions of people are hoping to view the EUROVISION Song Contest, which this year will take place in Moscow.

However, a select few thousand people who have paid small fortunes to attend and ‘be there’ at the event are expected to be furious when they arrive in Moscow, Russia, only to discover that the EUROVISION Contest is actually taking place in the Moscow Stadium in Relubbus, frequently referred to amongst the Cornish cultural cognoscenti as simply ‘Moscow’, as in the phrase “Goin up Moscow tonight, aree?”.

The glittering 90,000 seater Moscow stadium was opened only last year by 104-year-old Councillor Billy Spargo’s pride and joy, his 22-year-old great granddaughter, Tilly Bunt.

Tilly, pictured here on the left wearing clothes, is the well-known burlesque performer who has stormed the far West.

In her 10 month career so far in working men's clubs in and around Crowlas, Tilly has already earned enough to purchase outright a £150,000 estate in St Buryan, as well as a sumptuous £29,000 pad in Adelaide Street, Penzance.

The stadium is shown here on the left in a picture with beautiful Chinese TV reporter, Liu Jingwen.

Liu has come to Relubbus to cover the great event because of the surprise Chinese entry from Mao Ze Dong called “Just Me and my Little Red Book”.

This is believed to be the very FIRST posthumous entry ever in EUROVISION. Precisely how the Chinese will overcome the customary motionlessness associated with being dead is unknown, although experts are expecting a lot of flashing lights on the ‘box’ as well as furious activity from the supporting 150-strong dance troupe. None of the dancers is over the age of 11. This is seen as an attempt to provide a counter-balance to the undeniably deceased state of the ‘singer’.

The Chinese entry is expected to do well because of tactical voting on behalf of the many countries which are looking to China to help pull them out of recession.

However, despite this in-built advantage for the Chinese, all the smart money will be on the late entry from Latvia featuring two Lesbians, Laima and Ludis.

The self-sytyles "Two Lovelies" are singing their own creation Lovegirls’ Lullaby, accompanied by the Riga Harmonica Orchestra of People of Restricted Growth.

This entry is expected to attract a huge loyalty vote from Lesbians throughout the EU, including from certain well-known Penzance guest houses. Bookmakers are now refusing to take bets on the two girls.

What will the result be? Well, wait and see, but you can be sure that the Roundup will be there to report it all for you!!

EUROVISION 2009 QUIZ

You all know who is singing for your own country, but can you guess which countries the following artistes will be representing in Moscow in May? If you get the answers right, you could win a fabulous set of prizes**!!!

Here are the artistes, but which countries do they represent?

Silvia Burlesque-Only is 32 years old, but has only been a woman for the last 12 of those years. She breeds three-legged ferrets as a hobby and is a mistress (formerly, master) of the art of the cigarette roll-up, which is one of the factors that have given rise to her ‘throatily sexy’ voice.

She is particularly proud of her fine thatch of hair, as she went prematurely bald as a man and was obliged to wear a handkerchief to cover this up, prior to the sex-change which caused her capillary explosion.

Her interests are men and ice-cream in that order.

She has a blown-up nude picture of Tony Blair hanging on her bathroom wall. The song she will sing is “Just one cornetto!”


Alphonse Narcose Tea-Cosy is 39 and speaks only French – but which country does he represent?

Some helpful clues are that he dismembers budgies for fun, has an overpowering and disturbing body odour, changes his underwear only once a month (with the aid of a blow torch) and has never owned a toothbrush .

Also, he has never been arrested for murder, but has been detained by police for many other minor transgressions. He has received therapy since 1973 and this has led to the training of his unusual voice, which has been likened to the sound of a chicken being strangled. The song he will be singing is “I picked my nose for you alone!”

“Heinzi” Arschi-Lochi is a 28 year old ‘rainbow person’, who believes that the Eurovision Song Contest 2009 will put him and his country on the map.

Heinzi comes from a family with a long tradition of producing Wurst AND Cuckoo clocks. Like many in his country he went to work in a bank, before the ‘profession’ acquired a reputation considerably below that of child-murderer. He then went to work in a care home, where he learnt yodelling from a 92-year-old inmate called Stefan, with whom he formed a very close, indeed intimate, bond.

Heinzi will be yodelling his entry “I’ll shove that rose up your rozzer, if you shove this tulip up mine!”

This last entry in this week’s quiz is a very tricky one indeed. Here are the clues: the singer (now somewhat deceased, but still in good voice) does not usually sing in a European language and likes to be called ‘the Chairman’.

The Chairman is coy about giving his age or any other personal information, although it is believed that his daytime job is in a restaurant or, possibly, in a laundry. He has been chosen to sing for a country, which is next to a mountainous land and which has a coastline with only a limited sewerage problem.

Accompanying himself on a banjo, the Chairman will be singing a song called “Little Red Book” to the tune of the old Tommy Steele favourite “Little White Bull”.

If you think you know all the answers, just send in to the Roundup your list of correct answers -- with the fee of €100 -- and you will be entered in a draw which could win you the magnificent life-changing sum of Kernewek Angels 5 billion!!!!

Not only this, but you would win the right to a lifetime’s FREE supply of vegetables and toilet rolls from the RC Oates Superstore in Relubbus – together with a FREE Trevaskis Landshark motor car handcrafted for you in Cornwall!!

Entries please – together with entry fee of €100 (in used notes) to:
Sylvanus Penhaul Esq
The Editor
Relubbus Roundup
c/o The Swordfish Inn
Newlyn
Penzance
Cornwall

EUROVISION 2009 - YOUR COUNTRY NEEDS YOU!

As the winter winds lose their bite and the days grow longer, the snowdrops give way to daffodils and gradually thoughts turn to spring and to ... Eurovision.

The Roundup proudly presents a review of the main contestants for this prestigious European prize and reveals that the customary vote-rigging is well under way and is so far advanced that the eventual winner can already be announced.

But first things first – the contestants. We review the principal contenders for the title in this year’s unique contest, in which everyone has to sing their own lyrics to the same tune – “Goin' up Camborne ‘Ill" - played by the Marazion massed triangle band. Each contestant is shown with the lyrics he/she has chosen.

BELGIUM

Heartthrob Alternative Health Practitioner, Philippe Knabberknackers (24) ‘walked’ the selection process in Belgium.

Despite not even bothering to turn up for the contest, as he had had a few bevvies too many the night before, Philippe won ten of the thirteen votes cast to ‘walk away’ with the Belgian nomination.

As can be seen from the photo, he has now thrown all his energies into coming up with a winning interpretation of his song.

His fan base extends beyond Belgium, because of his appearance in ‘special interest films’ and he appears to have a solid supporter base in the Baltic States and in other former republics of the former USSR.

Lyrics: Who kicked the budgie into my soup?

LATVIA

Dace (formerly Valdis) Vanags (18) was a man for the first forty-three of her years. After several operations at the Riga Veterinary Hospital, she emerged as a mouth-wateringly beautiful 18 year old girl with – still – an amazing bass voice!

In her former existence as Valdis, she was an experienced and highly capable stevedore. Now she has emerged as a beauty therapist, who is able to serenade her female clients in a rich deep bass voice that seems beguilingly out of character with the lissome female creature one sees before one.

Lyrics: Old Man River, Dat old man River

FRANCE

Mademoiselle Frou-Frou Lebecque (formerly Mimi Letoucque) (23) received a vote of 83 million (out of a population of 61.5 million) to steal the French nomination, despite there being no other contestants.

Frou-frou is wildly popular with the whole of the French public – apart from Carla Bruni, the new wife of French President Nicholas Teacosy.

Bruni is aid to have been very upset to have found a full length picture of Frou Frou in President Teacosy’s shower room.

Lyrics: Camptown Races

ISRAEL AND NEW ZEALAND

Although being a fair distance by aeroplane from Europe, Israel has traditionally been allowed to take part in Eurovision for many reasons, which are, of course, obvious to anyone from Tel Aviv.

Shlomo ben David (29) has been selected from 20,000 contestants to represent the Israeli republic.

Shlomo is a New Zealander, but, as he converted to Judaism last month and received an Israeli passport last week, he is now able to represent both countries, as he announces with his customary wayward smile.

Lyrics: Don’t Dilly Dally (My Old man said "Follow the Van")

ITALY

The Cheeky Girls, Bella Ragazza and her cousin, Pasta Verde, are both 17 and delighted to represent their country.

As Bella gushingly and fluently declared, “Issa wonderful, Ciao, Grazie, Prego! I luvva you!”

Both girls attend the Italia Disconti Stage school, where they spend 2 hours a day learning to speak English “Likeaa they do inna Eastenders, allrighta maita!”, said Pasta showing off.

They also focus a great deal on song, dance and theatre skills. Amazingly, the girls will be singing their song whilst performing an “Inverted Irish Dance” - i.e. on their hands!

Lyrics: There’s an Old Mill By the Stream

SWEDEN

The schoolgirl troupe selected by the Swedes (called "They Swedish maids") is tipped as a hot favourite to win the contest. They are believed to have secured financial backing from two well known Cornish business magnates – the fabulously rich Messrs Trevaskis and Oates – which has enabled them to buy their eye-catchingly snazzy costumes, the skirts of which they rip off midway through the song in Mexican wave style.

In return for the generous backing (believed to be in excess of £7.50 each!), the girls have, of course, signed over all profits they may ever make in their lives and have committed to appear every night for the next ten years at the Relubbus Hippodrome.

Lyrics: Hitler, 'e only 'ad one ball!!

HAYLE

The People’s Soviet Socialist Republic of Hayle is represented by three young folk, who work at the experimental Hayle Nuclear Power Station – they are from left to right Norris, Doris and Boris and sing together under the name “Endebee”.

The trio, all 19 years old, have caused some controversy by inserting words which sound like “embargo Spargo!” into their song.

This has given rise to renewed frictions in the already frayed diplomatic relations between Relubbus, led by 108-year-old Council Chairman Spargo, and the People’s Republic of Hayle, led by failed comb-over victim and mad dictator Ventongimps (49).

Lyrics: Kiss me goodnight, Sergeant-Major

RELUBBUS

The runaway absolute favourite for the contest is the 16-year-old, 16 stone singing prodigy from Prospidnick, known to his Mum as ‘git plum boy’ and known to his huge Relubbus fan base as ‘Gunna Singunaree’.

His off-stage name is Leonard Landshark and young Landshark has, despite his young years, already twice topped the Relubbus charts with his versions of “Do ye ken John Peel” and “My Boy Willie”, both of which sold over ten copies in only 12 weeks.

Young Landshark has huge stage presence (and a huge frame) and seems to exert a magnetic pull over his audiences, even when they number more than 14.

Landshark’s voice is breaking and it may just be the sheer unpredictability of his sound that is the secret of his success. Bookies have stopped taking bets on Landshark, because he is now commonly regarded as a sure-fire winner.

Experts feel that his highly-rated chances might be related to the fact that, alone amongst the contestants, his lyrics do fit the music.

Lyrics: Goin’ up Camborne ‘Ill

The Roundup will be following the further development of this story for the benefit of the thousands of our readers around the world who 'live for Eurovision'.

LONELY HEARTS THAT YEARN FOR YOU

The Roundup has achieved enormous success in bringing together lonely people who are looking for love in West Cornwall.

Indeed, following the international attention the Roundup has received after its perceptive coverage of the Eurovision Song Contest, it may well be that some of our international readers might like to make contact with some of the special people we present today.

We do also invite international readers to view our older posts covering such interesting items as politics with insightful articles on Bush/Putin, Sarkozy and with special focuses on foreign embassies in Relubbus ; culture with a particular emphasis on poetry and music; and a host of other fascinating offerings including our famous FREE dating facility - Lonely Hearts. Don't forget to POST A COMMENT before you go.

We make no charge for our Lonely Hearts service and simply regard its free provision as being another hallmark of socially responsible journalism. Here are some more folk who are looking for love... from you?

Willy Bosiddick (32) is a well-known milkman from Rosudgeon, the gay capital of West Cornwall. Despite living in this "den of Sodom", as it has been designated by a succession of Methodist fundamentalist preachers, Willy is firmly heterosexual in orientation. He is, in fact, also married with 7 children. Having been married to the same person since the age of 16, he now wishes to experiment further, though only with willing single women, as he fervently insists, revealing a concealed poetic bent, "Despite coming from 'ere (Rosudgeon), I ain't bleddy queer!"

Willy insisted on being photographed wearing this papier mache head so that his wife, Rosemary, wouldn't recognise him. As he says "If she duh see this and duh knaw i's me, I'll get bleddy 'ell." We did try to warn him... Ladies, if you are interested in a man who claims to be the soul of discretion itself, then Box 5682 is the one for you.

Horton Baragwaneth (29) is a fully qualified dentist with his own surgery in Zennor. Horton is a sensitive man, who was badly hurt by an affair some years ago with a girl who worked in the Warrens shop in Market Jew Street. Having been single for some years now -- after his unfortunate affair -- Horton is ready to try again with someone who could share the interests he has acquired in the interim.

Horton is a collector. He has never thrown a tooth away and now has 1,769 samples, all labelled. Branching our from dentistry, he also has one of the largest stool samples in West Cornwall, thanks to the specially adapted patients' toilet in his surgery. He eagerly admits that he is only 27 away from his first 1,000 in this collection. Ladies, if you would like to share Horton's life and his collections, write in to Box 4571.

Irene Upton O'Good (42) is an Irish potter working in Sancreed. Irene took up pottery during her second stretch in prison. Shy about past achievements, she will not say what she was in for, beyond saying that "it will be the last time that bastard ever screws another woman". She is a member of the Sancreed branch of Pyromaniacs Anonymous.

A gifted virtuoso castanets player, Irene is devoted to developing her artistic side. She does not wish to return to prison and is therefore looking for a quiet relationship with a man (or woman, a taste acquired in prison) who can offer a home to her and her thirty two pet weasels. Box 7629

Terry/Teri Angwin (25) is a tranvestite electrician from Hayle. A bearded, 25 stone, club-footed hulk of a man, he is able -- in the evenings -- to transform himself into the dream young woman on the left and assumes the name Teri.

Terry plays in the back row for the Cornish Pirates rugby team, none of whom know about his feminine side, although Terry tells us that he had a hot night with one of them when he had put on his make-up to become Teri. Clearly a complex character, Terry/Teri would like a relationship with an understanding man, who would accept Terry's life as an electrician and a rugby player. Box 5683

Madron Pengelly (56) is a butcher from St Just, who was divorced from his second wife just a year ago, after she discovered him in the cellar with their Labrador dog.

Madron is a keen member of the Old Cornwall Society, a member also of two different male choirs, and is a bellringer. He still plays with the Meccano set he received as boy of ten and enjoys all card and board games.

He is pictured here with his organ, his favourite possession, and would like to find someone new in his life who will enjoy his organ as much as he does. As a bachelor he lives on shop pasties and Jelbert's ice cream. His dream will be complete if he can find "a good woman, 'oo can cook proper!" Box 5673

Gaspar Ruiz (76) is a former Cardinal from the USA, who retired to Cornwall following certain allegations. Conspicuous in Tremethick Cross because he still wears all the regalia of his former office, Gaspar is on orders to keep a low profile. He has joined the local Men's knitting circle and has also joined the queue for a place in the Tregavarah Bowls Club.

A keen pipe smoker -- getting through two tins of Dunhill's Early Morning pipe tobacco each day -- Gaspar is keen to form a pipe-smoking club in Tremethick Cross. He is keen to hear from anyone -- man or woman -- who would like to join his club. He would be particularly keen to hear from anyone else in Tremethick Cross who wears -- or would like to wear -- clerical garb like him. Box 5734.

BLOC VOTING ENSURES EUROVISION SUCCESS FOR RELUBBUS

Report on the Eurovision Song Contest by Cultural Correspondent, Gissa Tune

STOP PRESS, Saturday 24th May, 4:30 p.m.: Relubbus's success in the contest is now virtually assured, after it was confirmed earlier today that almost all of the members of the Union of Kernow States, including Crowlas, Lower Gwavas, Nanpean, Treneere, Germoe, Perranuthnoe, Crows an Wra, Tremethick Cross, and Tregavarah, intend to vote for Relubbus. The only notable exception is the People's Republic of Hayle (with which, of course, Relubbus is currently at war). The Relubbus camp are confident that the massive power of the Kernow bloc will comfortably outweigh the other voting blocs from Scandinavia, Eastern Europe, and the Balkans.

The world hunkers down in preparation to celebrate one of the greatest cultural events of the year in the Eurovision Song Contest. Nowhere is this feast of song more eagerly awaited than in Relubbus, which, because of its acknowledged deep reservoir of talent, is unique in being allowed three entries to the contest.

The Roundup has decided to take a peek behind the rehearsal curtains (at the Relubbus Scout Hut) and take a closer look at the three privileged acts, to whom falls the inestimable honour of representing Relubbus.

First up under the microscope is the undoubted shining talent of retired postman and musical maestro, Dickie Berhardinus Botheras (79). Dickie is a favourite amongst the glitterati of Relubbus high society and is a regular performer much in demand at the Relubbus Conservatoire.

Some might deem him an unusual highbrow choice for the more populist Eurovision contest, particularly as he will be offering no vocals at all. Instead he will rely on his faithful old saw and provide stirring music for the soul in another of his famous solo peformances.

Dickie is getting quite excited about his first Eurovision contest and has been receiving special attention for his bladder weakness so that he is not let down on the night. Nerves apart, he is confident of doing well and, clutching a brand-new saw from B&Q, declared "'S in the bag, boy!"

A surprise weapon in the Relubbus arsenal for this year's assault on the Eurovision is an entry from Denzil 'Alice' Liddicoat (51), the only male member of the Relubbus Lesbian Speed Crochet group.

Alice, as he likes to be known, is a fully qualified plasterer and decorator and is believed to be the only person in Relubbus to have taken the full three month yodelling course run by Dirk Bumgartner in Vaduz, Liechtenstein in preparation for the contest.

The authorities have given Alice their full backing by letting her off her Community Service sentence for long enough to attend the course. High Court Judge Lentil Tregenza commented "It will be good for Denzil and it will be good for Relubbus".

Music Aficionados believe that Alice's natural falsetto voice will set her up well for the yodelling song she intends to perform. An own composition, the song is entitled "Yodelaity" and contains a moving text, which tells the story of an unlikely but passionate love affair between a dubiosexual plasterer and Joanna Lumley.

Without doubt, the runaway leaders in the trio of Relubbus acts to take on Eurovision is the award-winning duo of Bert Clemo (39) on squeezebox and Dan Jago (62) on guitar.

After a lifetime of jamming in clubs all around Relubbus to the delight of their devoted following, the couple finally turned professional last autumn, both handing in their notice at the RC Oates Superstore in Relubbus, creating two vacancies in the fruit and veg section.

Since then, they have enjoyed phenomenal success, with each new record release going straight to the top of the singles charts. With a close eye to what has proved successful in Eurovision in the past, they have set their own new lyrics to the tune of "Going up Camborne 'Ill" in an attempt to win over the European public.

For those familiar with the tune, we provide the first verse of the lyrics so that you can sing along:

Bim Bom Bam Bim Bummer Bim Bum
Bim Bom Bam Bim Bummer Bim Bum
Bim Bummer Bim Bum
Bim Bummer Bim Bum
Bim Bom Bam Bim Bummer Bim Bum

In trials in Liechtenstein, the easy text of the song has been found to make it a great Euro singalong favourite and so the boys' hopes are high. You will soon have a chance to judge for yourself.

The night before the Eurovision, you will be able to hear the song on Simon Cowheel's "Relubbus Has Got Talent" Show, as the boys perform, accompanied by the Mousehole Nonagenarian Near-Nude Female Zimmer and Dance Troupe.
A SPECIAL WELCOME TO ALL OUR CURIOUS VISITORS FROM MAINLAND EUROPE!

Relubbus looks forward to welcoming you within its borders in the not too distant future.

Every visitor to Relubbus before the end of June will receive a free Cornish pasty !

The Roundup's articles over the past year will educate you about Relubbus and its glorious history. It has, for instance, a surviving colony from Roman times, which is still Latin-speaking! Just one of the many, many amazing facts about Relubbus, which has embassies all over Europe! Look here to find the Roundup's report on YOUR Embassy in Relubbus!