Midget maniac speed-freak Hazel Blears, the much-troubled ex-Community Minister in the spiralling UK Brown government, has applied to get a job with the Greater Relubbus Urban Council (GRUC).
She has taken time off writing expenses claims to the Westminster Fees Office to submit a 
proposal, via megaphone as pictured on the left, to the GRUC, promising to knock 50% off the cost of postal services throughout Greater Relubbus, if the GRUC will give her the job of Minister for Telephony, Telegraphy and Postal services, a job which pays £11,500 per annum plus ‘expenses’.
The proposal, which has the full backing of her consultant psychiatrist, is revolutionary in concept. In fact, the proposal was so stunning that the Council was temporarily lost for words when hearing it.
Many have been perplexed as to how an utterly failed UK ex-Minister could have the gall to apply for a job with the GRUC. However, her psychiatrist has stated that she totally lacks any insight into her deplorable long-term mental disorder, which explains why, no matter what the circumstance, she can always be seen speeding around at her height of 3ft 9 inches off the ground, wearing her trade-mark grin-mask.
The kernel of her proposal rests on tricks she has learnt at the feet of her hero, Tory Blur, in that huge sums of money would be saved by sacking all 14,500 staff of the GRUC postal service and replacing them with 4 pensioned-off postmen from Japan.
Blears had to accept that, whilst huge sums of money could be saved in wages (to pay for her expenses claims), her idea did have several fatal flaws.
The first flaw was that she had located only one Japanese postman prepared to come to Relubbus. Mr Kendo Suzuki (pictured left), an 84-year-old from Nagasaki, has just been released from a 40-year sentence in prison for robbery with samurai swords. Whilst willing to attempt the work, he cannot now walk more than half a mile a day.
Further, whilst he is prepared – indeed eager – to leave Japan, he speaks and reads no English and might therefore have practical difficulties in both sorting and delivering mail unless the letters were addressed in Japanese. This would be a rare occurrence in Greater Relubbus -- or anywhere else in Cornwall.
When Billy Spargo, the redoubtable 104-year-old Chairman of the GRUC, described the proposal as ‘bleddy daft’, the midget Blears squeaked in her excitable Salford singsong, “But, your royal majesty, sir, think of the savings we could make….to spend on other things!”
The assembled Council looked on in sad silence at the pathetic spectacle of the benighted, madly-smiling midget who couldn’t see the job losses for the savings. Blears was swiftly dismissed by the Council and her pleas to have her interview expenses paid (apparently £24,000!!! “I came via Tiffany’s in New York”) were laughed out of Boswedden Lane.
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Come and hear the Boleigh Kami Kaze Electrical String Septet next Tuesday!!
The Boleigh team – all of whom have wills recently prepared by Grasper, Fidget and Swilp, sponsors of this concert – will be performing their arrangement of Handel’s Water Music on Marazion beach in the incoming tide.
As anyone not from Hayle knows, electricity and water don’t mix and therefore, at some stage in the proceedings, things are expected to ‘hot up’ considerably.
Given this little extra in the musical performance, tickets will cost £15 each, half of which will be donated to the Relubbus Fund for Musicians' Orphans.
New members for the Septet will soon be urgently sought and auditions will be held next Wednesday evening at 7.00pm at the “Under the Leg” Hall in Morvah Avenue, Relubbus.
SPARGO SLAMS BLEARS POSTAL PROPOSAL!
DISGRACED RBS CHIEF PUT IN HIS PLACE!
Councillor Billy Spargo (98) had the disgraced ex-chief of the RBS (Relubbus Banking Syndicate) brought in shackles before a full council meeting today.
The RBS ex-chief, Sir Zack “the Sack” Badloss (45), is pictured left in happier days outside the bank, which has been found to have registered losses of £130 billion.
Sir Zack Badloss earned his nickname "the Sack" for the huge number of redundancies he brought about during his career.
Sir Zack earned a whopping £15 million per year during his 11 year tenure at the top of the Relubbus banking giant, which he built up through a programme of ruthless acquisition and redundancy.
Badloss was made to kneel-walk along a specially prepared corridor of broken glass in order to reach the council. The corridor had been lovingly prepared for him by a group of ballot-selected ex-colleagues, who had been sacked and ruined by him over the years.
Lining the route of the corridor were two files of similarly-selected ruined shareholders and customers, who were able to show their appreciation of Badloss’s ruthless recklessness by hitting him with sturdy sticks.
However, such is the famed insensitivity of the man that Badloss made it through to the ordure-filled wooden barrel in which he was to be questioned without any loss of his customary haughtiness.
Outside the Council Chamber a crowd of 140,000 ruined by Badloss’s RBS watched the proceedings on huge screens and intoned a deafening chant of the now familiar mantra “Good riddance to Badloss!”
It was only when Council Leader Billy Spargo (105) raised his arm that silence fell sudden as a stone.
It was then that everyone noticed that, seated in his ordure, Badloss was actually humming the tune of “Oh, I do love to be beside the seaside!”
This display of nonchalant detachment was interrupted by the flood of questions from the furious members of the council, each of whom was armed with a device that sent a sizeable voltage through Badloss to ‘get his attention’. We report some of the exchanges below:
Councillor Nargus Rosewarne: “Have you any banking qualifications?”
Badloss: "I have a grade 3 pass in O level woodwork and….a grade 4 pass in CSE maths. These gongs are more than adequate to qualify me for running any bank."
Councillor Jack Pengelly: “Have you any regret for what you have done?”
Badloss: “Regret? Regret? How can I possibly have any regrets? I have made well over £100 million and have salted it away in the State Bank of Relubbus. I'm alright, Jack, but thanks for the enquiry.”
Councillor Loveday Trembath: "Thousands of people throughout Relubbus and elsewhere in the world have been ruined by your failing bank. Some poor folk have felt themselves driven to commit suicide in their desperation. Do you feel no sense of responsibility?”
Badloss: “As Mrs Thatcher said, we all have to look after ourselves and that is something which I have done very well, which is why her protégé, Tory Blur, gave me a knighthood."
Councillor Madron Andrewartha: “Do you not feel any sense of shame or sorrow for the havoc you have wreaked?”
Badloss: “How can I be sorry and apologise for something which is not my fault? The banking crisis started in America, where, following our programme of social responsibility, we had gone out of our way to extend home loans to thousands of people, who, for reasons of abject poverty, would not normally qualify for any finance at all.
"Of course, we had to charge a bit more for that and some of the suckers couldn’t keep up. It’s all gone a bit pear-shaped, but it is not my fault and I have come out of it very well indeed.
"I think I can just about manage on my savings and my £4 million per year pension.”
Following further questions, Council Leader Billy Spargo (86) ended the 6 hour ordeal by again raising his hand to secure total silence and then issuing a judgement in respect of Badloss:
- His title would be changed from “Sir “ to “Scumbag”
- His savings would be confiscated.
- His mansion and other properties would be confiscated and he would receive a house in poor repair in Colinsey Road with a broken outside toilet.
- His pension rights would be cancelled. He would receive £1.50 worth of food per week from the RC Oates Very Basic range.
- He would be able to keep (indeed, would be forced to keep) his shackles.
The waiting crowd broke into spontaneous and delirious applause at the news.In a park nearby, 94 year old Josiah Cock sat on a bench and wondered aloud “What did they expect from a man called Badloss, a 'good win'?
"None of these thieving crooks at the top of the banks should have any money at all - they should have prison sentences instead - that's what they deserve!"
He then gave thanks that he had the good fortune to live in Relubbus, which alone amongst the nations dealt firmly with failing banks and bankers.
