SHOCK DOUBLE LIFE OF TOLCARNE SCOUT LEADER REVEALED

The Roundup can bring you the startling news that one of Tolcarne's most popular and hitherto upstanding inhabitants - Mr Maurice "Hairclip" Metherell (32), a local butcher and favourite Scout leader - has been leading a double life.

Metherell, pictured here on the left in his Scout uniform,  is popular amongst the lads of the Tolcarne Scout group.
Whilst he can sometimes come across as effeminate, he has been most helpful to the boys in encouraging them to explore their 'feminine side' in true 21st century metrosexual style.

Under Metherell's leadership they were the first scout troop to develop skills in hairdressing and home-baking.
These early successes were quickly followed by tutelage and skills in manicure, spray tan and the arts of the air steward.

It therefore came as a huge surprise, when it was revealed that "Mr Metherell" was leading a second life as Miss Maude Pengelly (29) a freelance courtesan operating out of a caravan parked in a layby on the B3315 near the turning for Paul.

Advertising on the internet, Maude Pengelly secured suitors from as far away as Padstow ( a 'Mr Stone', a local chef).
Her undoing came when she received a visit  from a Mr 'John Smith', who turned out to be none other than Mr Willy Botheras (62) from Pendeen, the Cornish Chief Scout and a man well known to "Mr Metherell".

As neither party was wearing the strong glasses they both require, it took a minute or two before the penny dropped.

However, drop it surely did and, as they say in Sennen, the encounter ended "sooner'n it begun' in a scene of mutual embarrassment.
Tolcarne is now advertising for a new Scout leader and the Pengelly caravan was last seen heading for Padstow in a hurry.

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JOIN MARAZION METHODIST PADDLING CLUB!!

Love the sea, but can't swim?

Does standing in deep water make you want to 'go'?

Do you find the bathing costumes of today indecent?

We know the problem and we know how to deal with it at the Marazion Methodist Paddling Club (MMPC).

 At the MMPC:

• We don't wear indecent costumes.
• We don't go out into water more than four inches deep.
•  For safety reasons, we always take the waters in groups of no less than ten, one of whom is always attached by rope to a stout tree on shore.
• We start every paddling expedition with a rousing rendition of William Whiting's 'Eternal father strong to save' - No. 917 in the Methodist Hymn Book.

If you are 21 or over, you are welcome to join us at a cost of just £756 per season.

For this:

You will receive a 'certified decent' handknitted costume in which you can paddle.

You will receive an intensive  three week paddling safety course.

Thereafter you will be able to join us in safe paddling and song on Marazion beach!

CALLING PARENTS AND YOUNGSTERS EVERYWHERE!

FREE YOURSELVES FROM THE EVILS OF THE INTERNET

Now both parents and youngsters can have lots of modern up-to-date and care-free communication fun with the Methodist Morse Code and Radio Kit.

Using this radio, you will find that you can only listen  to wholesome family programmes from around the world.
The radio, which comes in a fetching and handy 3ft square walnut-effect box is pre-tuned  to receive only Methodist Radio Relubbus and ten other Methodist stations around the world (1 in Devon and the others elsewhere in Cornwall).

You can sing along with your favourite hymns and even listen to your own requests, if you sre lucky enough to have had them selected from the many hundreds of thousands that are sent in.

For the technically minded, there is a dial with which you can adjust the volume.  However, be careful!  You can only listen to this radio set with headphones (2 sets supplied) and you might damage your ears, if you turn the volume up too high.

Parents are advised to listen with their youngsters for the first couple of years until they can be sure that the volume dial is not being abused.

The really interesting feature is the Morse device, which will permit your youngster to communicate with other youngsters.  This is guaranteed to give them hours of good clean honest fun.

In view of the potentially addictive nature of this equipment, it is strongly recommended that parents strictly control and limit children's access to it.

Parents are advised not to let the youngster near the equipment until AFTER the homework has been done AND checked.

The Methodist Institute for Juvenile Physical and Mental Health recommends that all youngsters still wearing short trousers (i.e. under 21 years of age) should be permitted no more than 30 minutes fun before they return to the family Scrabble table of an evening.

NEWS IN BRIEF

Double Life of Local Worker on Newlyn Kwop Cheese Counter

Newlyn was rocked by the revelation that single mother of seven and part time worker on the cheese counter at the Newlyn Kwop, Mrs Nora Batten (57) has been leading a double life as leader of the Libyan state, where she is known as Muammar al-Gaddafi.

Nora was rumbled on the bus out of Newlyn on her way to Relubbus International Airport, where she was due to board an Oates seatless Easiflight plane to Tripoli.  

Nora had bumped into her old friend from approved school days, retired Gulval streetwalker Wendy Trezise (57) and, as Wendy was in the habit of buying lottery tickets for the pair, Nora was searching out necessary money in her handbag, when her air ticket and Libyan passport fell out.

Says a shocked Wendy, "Noone kuddna bin more surprised 'n' what I was, I kintellee!  I'd knawn she since school.  This 'ere air ticket come out 'er 'anbag, followed by a passport witha picture o' she onut with all this 'ere Ayrab writin' onun!  'Ere maid, wassal this 'ere then, I sed tuh she, I sed!"

Nora was apparently lost for words and then poured out the tale of how she, after the birth of her third child when her then partner was out of work,  answered an advert in the Cornishman for a politically astute statesman to run a North African country on a part time basis.  Hours would be light and rewarded with good money and cash in hand.

Nora couldn't resist the temptation to 'go for it' and has since been leading a double life, frequently disappearing off to Tripoli to do a bit of leadership. 

As well as picking up a handy £13 14s 9d each week in cash, she led a high-powered life in Tripoli with her own luxury tent and a company of all female bodyguards, as well as a red Ford Anglia 105E Saloon with as much free petrol as she could use.

Nora is now under contract to the Roundup to publish her memoirs of this fascinating double life. These will be serialised here in the Roundup, just as soon as Nora has learnt to write.

West Penwith Witches campaign for the right to be taken seriously

Crows an Wra was the inevitable meeting place of the special Convention of West Penwith Witches which was held last week.

The convention was called by Leading Witch and Queen of the Coven, Sheila Bramangath (52) so that the sisterhood could debate ways of encouraging members of the public to desist from pointing at them and laughing.

Says Sheila, who has a part time job on vegetables at Tesco, "Ee idden funny no more. If we duh gwout in our speshul clothes doin' our ceremonies in the fields, we got kids laughin' at we and the adults aren't no better neither!"

Sheila, who was bound to partner Gwen (31), a trainee trolley attendant, in a special handfasting ceremony during the convention, reported that, in a unanimous vote, the sisterhood had agreed to be fearless and indomitable.

She also hinted darkly that the frog population of West Penwith might be suddenly increased if certain people "didden shut their bleddy mouths!"

Pendeen Man swims underwater from Cape Cornwall to Newlyn

Willy Pender (66), a retired jobseeker, claims to have set a new swimming record by swimming under water all the way round the coast from Cape Cornwall to Newlyn.

He says that he undertook the swim last week, which has surprised many given the uninvitingly cool sea temperatures at this time of year.  Even more astoundingly, he claims to have come up for air only on 9 occasions.

Disappointingly, there are no independent witnesses to this marvellous feat apart from Willy's 95-year-old housebound mother, Agnes, who stated, "I sawun leave th' 'ouse las' Tuesday.  When 'ee cum back, 'ee was sum ungry, 'ee was.  'Is woollen trunks was soppin' wet too!"

Willy is now appealing for witnesses prepared to state that they saw him on his marathon swim, which took place between 9.10 am and 9.45 am last Tuesday morning.  He adds, "If anyone duh come forward, I'll see un alright, when the money duh start flowin' in!"

MADRON MENDICANT EXPOSED AS MILLIONNAIRE

For many years, Beelzebub Bennet (94) has been a well-known face around Madron.  His lurking presence has perfumed its busy streets with his distinctive odour for as long as many can remember and for, at least, some fifty years.

His cheery grin, unadorned by teeth, and outstretched hands, unrestrained by any misplaced sense of shame, have welcomed many a charitable coin over those years.

It was said by Our Lord that "The poor you will always have with you" and so it came to pass that Bennet's constant presence has been accepted by the god-fearing folk of Madron as some necessary part of the street furniture.

He seems to have an uncanny sense for what he terms 'a loose coin' and approaches people with all the confidence of a metal detector to prise that loose coin from its erstwhile owner.

The good people of madron have always assumed that he must live in the most reduced circumstances and could always be relied upon to 'spare a bob for Beelzebub'.

It has therefore come as a huge shock to them to learn that his steady begging income has turned him into one of the richest men in West Penwith.

Using a reporter's technique known professionally as 'tailing', one of the Roundup's temporary junior assistant deputy under-reporters followed Bennet home and discovered that the professional beggar has done so well out of the people of Madron that he has been able to build a castle for himself near St Erth.

This imposing residence, known as 'Dunbeggin', was built at huge cost, using specially imported stone from Sweden.  Locals know nothing of the owner except that he is a recluse, who is only ever visited by his shapely Private Banking Manager, Tamsin Pengelly, who comes down from Truro on her moped to see him once a month.

When our reporter tried to confront Bennet, he quickly scuttled into the deep recesses of his castle, displaying a breathtaking turn of speed.  That was two days ago, since when he has not been seen - either at his castle or in Madron.

Madron residents, Edna and Pammie Trembath, both qualified gas fitters and a happy civil partnership couple - shown here delighted to be pictured in their favourite magazine - told the Roundup, "Ee've taken we fera ride, ee ave, the lill bugger!  Stop anywhere ona pavement upere and for yuduh knawit, eezere withiz andout! Course yuduh smellun for yuduh see ovun.  Well I kintellee, ee've adthe las' coin ee's gunnget outah we!"

Edna and Pammie aren't the only disgruntled Madron residents to react in this way to the news.  In a quick telephone survey, the Roundup has established that only 94% of the Madron population would now be prepared to 'spare a bob for Beelzebub'.

The Roundup will report further.

PUBLIC ANNOUNCEMENT

The Greater Relubbus Urban Council (GRUC) has today passed a law outlawing 'the passing of wind', which will be known as the 'No Farting Directive'.

The GRUC believes that everyone must 'do their bit' to cut down on the production of gases which contribute to the phenomenon known as Global Warming.

The Chief Scientist to the GRUC, Profesor Pol Pender (pictured), took air samples up and down Boswedden Lane last Saturday and found the levels of what he he terms 'fart gas' to be alarmingly high.

In part this can be explained by the fact that many people opt for a shop pasty when they are out shopping and the pastry in these is known to considerably increase the incidence of flatulence.

Professor Pender has calculated that, if the global population were to generate flatulence levels similar to those captured in Boswedden Lane, the global warming effect effect would cause a 20 metre rise in sea levels, which would put Newlyn Bridge under water.

In the interests of the people of Newlyn and elsewhere, a strict 'no farting' law is now to be applied. People are required - by law - to retain and reabsorb all and any gas.  Professor Pender insists that this retention practice is only 'likely to be fatal in less than 5% of cases'.

Equipped with special 'gas vision' glasses, the Relubbus constabulary will be able to impose spot fines of £10,000 - or amputation of a limb - on anyone breaking this new law.

Signs will be posted throughout Greater Relubbus.

IT'S SUMMER TIME - VISIT CORNWALL FOR AN UNFORGETTABLE EXPERIENCE

LOOK!! Just seven experiences for you in West Cornwall, which you will find nowhere else!!!!!

AZTECLAND at Carn Brea!!

The Aztecs had a fascinating civilisation, before it was well nigh obliterated by the dastardly cruel marauding Spaniards. Now YOU have the chance to sample something of the magnificent Aztec way of life by visiting AZTECLAND at Carn Brea.

Music and dance was hugely important for the Aztecs. Everyone took part in dances performed especially for the gods, including peasants, so we’ll be giving you a chance at that too.

An Aztec 'orchestra' was usually made of different types of rattles and different types of drums. Specific Aztec instruments were used for specific things. The trumpet sounded long, deep notes while the percussion created hypnotic rhythms. The big temple drums could be heard for several kilometers. Their wind instruments included pan pipes, whistles, and flutes. It was only the priests who had mastered the art of releasing trapped wind with such ferocity that the ‘blast’ could last for anything up to 4 minutes and blow everything out of its path!!

Picture on the left portrays happy visitor, who has learnt that she will be a "Priest for the Day".

The musical experience is a key part of the AZTECLAND experience. You will be allotted a place in a ‘real Aztec orchestra and, by the end of the day, you will be able to play your part in a full scale musical performance which takes place before the daily grand religious ceremony at sundown.

Religion was hugely important to the Aztecs, as was sacrifice. When you pay to enter Aztecland, you are given a numbered pebble. Depending upon the number on the pebble, you will then play the part of either a priest (5 are needed and they will have to pass the wind test)) or a sacrificial victim (500 are needed).

If chosen as a priest, you will be guided by our friendly Aztec helpers throughout the complicated business of mass execution. If you are selected as a sacrificial victim, our friendly helpers will give you handy hints (such as holding your breath) which will help you bear the excruciating pain of having your still-beating heart torn from your chest.

Your death experience will be recorded on DVD for your family’s benefit and that is all included in the unbelievably cheap price of only £134.99 plus VAT (family discounts available at only £135.99 plus VAT per person!!)

NANCLEDRA ADVANCED FLAGELLATION APPRECIATION SOCIETY (NAFAS)

This is a special opportunity available to the curious who would like to know a little more about flagellation, but are too shy to ask.

A 2 day course on “Carry your FLAGE with confidence” is available to true devotees of the gentle art.

Formula 1 Chief Execs are eligible for a discount, if they submit their applications to Helga in German! Others must pay the price - £75 per day.



Gulval Churchtown GIANT TORTOISE ‘Appreciation’ Society

You don’t need to be ashamed anymore. There are other people who get excited by this photo. In the Cricketer’s Arms at Gulval, you can relax over a beer – or two - and discuss your little weakness and then repair to a shed for a dreamily close encounter of a Giant Tortoise kind – all for a daily fee of just £245.99 plus VAT.


The Long Rock ‘NAME THAT SMELL’ Experience

Enrol for a five day course and emerge just 9 days later as a veritable expert in smells of every kind.

You will be tutored by Long Rock’s “Mr Smell” and winner of the 1973 Goldsithney Open Petard Competition, Matthew Trembath, pictured here helping to acquaint new course members with their own smell, using the renowned ‘sniff your armpit method’.

The "Name that Smell" experience costs an amazingly low £1.76 per day.


The Crows an Wra CREATIVE WRITING Holiday course

Led by extremely promising, but as yet sadly unpublished, author, Den Pender, this course will show you how to achieve fame and fortune as a writer.

It is unashamedly pricey – at £5,000 per day for 10 days – but you must ask yourself, whether you can really put a price on talent such as that of Shakespeare.

The answer is, of course, that you cannot and so you need to flock, with the other countless thousands, to Pender’s opulently appointed caravan for tuition.

GETTING CLOSER TO PIGS in Madron

A holiday is a time to discover your inner self. When you go looking, you never quite know what you will find. That is true of Wendy Angwin, who discovered that she has a “thing” with pigs.

There is nothing wrong with that. There is nothing to be ashamed of. Wendy now caters for the holidaying public. She has 6 shelters for pig-friendly folk, who would like to spend a night or more cuddling up toa pig.

You can select your own pig – she has two males and three females and a male pig of different orientation called Ben. Hourly sessions are available for as little as £55 Plus VAT. The ever popular 'All nighters' can be yours for as little as £798 plus VAT.

EXCREMENTAL PAINTING in Newlyn

You must remember that you will have to tell everyone that you heard it here first – Excremental Painting.

It is the new thing and no-one is better able to explain it to you than Geoffrey Arsehole, who is the primary exponent of the new painting style, which is taking Newlyn by storm.

The surprising thing is that all the students seem to select the same subject (The Lady on the left)– it is as if there were no better subject for this manner of painting.

You can enrol now for a surprisingly low £5.65 per day (including two!! daily curries to generate the painting material) and Arsehole will share his secrets with you.

NEW SUPERHERO FOR RELUBBUS!

As far as Superheroes go, you may have heard of Batman and Gotham City, but have you heard of Relubbus and... "The Man with No Trousers"?

We present below (on far left) a partial snap of the reluctant hero -- who is known simply as The Man with No Trousers -- in a lucky photo taken on the Relubbus Underground, on the Central Line between the fashionable Boswedden Lane and Prospidnick Lane stops, by Agnes Tresidder (82), who commented merely, "I was takin’ my grandson's repaired camera 'ome on the Tube, when I suddenly saw The Man with No Trousers.

"I was sum shocked to see ov un and I must 'ave sumow pressed the button. Denzil, my grandson, told me I 'ad taken this 'ere picture."

Relubbus has been repeatedly astounded by reports of astonishing bravery and devilish and speedy skill on the part of an individual who moves quickly, very quickly indeed, but who wears no trousers. No one knows his name, but we print Mrs Tresidder's picture here in the fervent hope that someone -- maybe his mother -- will recognise the underpants the young man is wearing.

Mrs Tresidder added helpfully that, as he got off the train, she could observe pronounced "skid marks" on the reverse of the young hero's underpants, which might bring about a smile of knowing recognition on some proud mother's face. If the young hero can be found, a public honour to be presented by Council Leader Billy Spargo awaits him.

The young hero already has a string of acts of heroism to his name. Only last week, the Man with No Trousers appeared just in the nick of time to save Mrs 'Ollis' budgie from certain death in the jaws and paws of next door' s cat, Trewella.

The week before that he single-handedly neutralised 7 nuclear bombs that the People’s Republic of Hayle has recently imported from North Korea.

However, whilst many stories can be told about this latest of the Relubbus Legion of Superheroes, what news of the older established heroes such as 'Ooverman or Toiletwoman?

In a rare archive photograph, we proudly present here a picture of 'Ooverman in his very first act of derring do. Taken by an admiring amateur photographer, it shows 'Ooverman taking care of a spilt sherbet fountain in Marshall James' music store in Market Jew Street, Penzance, back in 1969.

Since then he and his hoover have been an ingredient of every natural disaster that has struck around the world. Bemused foreigners from Chernobyl to Bangladesh have been reassured by those comforting words delivered in a high-pitched West Cornish accent, "Orright, I'm 'ere neow, where can I plug it in?"

The fame of this superhero is shared by another Relubbus Superheroine, the so-called Toiletwoman. She has yet to perform a traditional "Superhero" act, but she has remained seated on the same toilet for 12 years, which is an accomplishment no one else has equalled.

We can report that she is still seated firmly on her toilet on the Gwavas Estate in Newlyn.

However, where might The Man with No Trousers be right now? Who can say… Have you seen him?

RELUBBUS TO HOST BAYREUTH WAGNERFEST!!

By Literary and Theatre Correspondent Emily Bindweed

For the first time in its history, the annual Wagner festival traditionally held at Bayreuth in Germany is to be held in Cornwall -- in fact, in Relubbus. Two productions -- Tristan und Isolde and Der fliegende Holländer (The Flying Dutchman) -- are to be staged in Relubbus.

Speaking at the Panopticon theatre in Boswedden Lane yesterday, the director of the Bayreuth Festspielhaus, Herr Doktor Hans Flick, was enthusiastic about the move:

"Cornwall is the natural place in which to stage Tristan und Isolde. After all, this greatest of European love stories is set here, and it will be a privilege for us to bring the opera back to its roots.

"And our Cornish production of Der fliegende Holländer will be the greatest ever staged! We are going to put it on, at night, at the Minack theatre, on the cliffs above Porthcurno. However, our "killer" ingredient is that we shall wait for a storm force 12 -- hurricane force -- before staging the opera. And, at the climax of the production, we shall have a three-masted "tall ship", with sails torn, be buffeted by the 60 foot waves towards the terrible granite cliffs.

The Minack theatre at night

"Unfortunately, everyone is bound by Health and Safety regulations these days. However, by employing only a skeleton crew of experienced sailors we hope to keep loss of life to a minimum. We shall, of course, have a helicopter from RNAS Culdrose standing by (assuming it is able to fly in these conditions)."

Herr Flick went on to say that it was a little known fact that Richard Wagner visited Cornwall in his youth, as a young merchant seaman on the schooner Holländer. He was wrecked in ferocious seas off Lamorna, rescued by breeches-buoy, and taken to Newlyn, where he met and fell in love with local girl "Shingles" Bodinnar. It was this experience that was his inspiration in writing Der fliegende Holländer.

Richard Wagner as a young merchant seaman

CORNWALL TO BE RENAMED!

The Roundup reveals the shocking truth about English plans for Cornwall
By Political Correspondent Rendell Janner

Following a recent Roundup report about the use of English Heritage as a tool for the Anglicisation of the Cornish, this newspaper has succeeded in obtaining details of a secret and shocking plan to eradicate Cornwall as we know it.

It is our duty to publish details of this dastardly plan. It will doubtless raise the fear temperature in Kernow to levels never reached before. It should also cause every right-thinking Cornish person to stand up and resist this looming evil, which is already well upon us.

The plan -- known in UK Government circles as Marina -- sees the indigenous Cornish gradually moved out by force of economic migration. The origins of the plan can be traced back many years to an unlikely collaboration between Winston Churchill and Sir Billy Butlin, in an objective called Holiday Camp Cornwall. In the original plan, the Cornish were merely to be turned into workers in England's largest holiday camp, in order to provide some dim lights of gaiety in gloomy 1950s Britain.

During the Thatcher years, this plan -- as did many others -- took on dark and sinister characteristics in the clammy, dead-hand grip of the funereally-smiling Home Secretary, Michael Howard, shown left.

Project Marina -- represented on his desk by a little fishing boat called Kernow, which he often fondled whilst hatching his chilling plans for the Cornish and others -- contains a number of key objectives.

The attainment of these goals has been consistently pursued by the upper echelons of the English Civil service and each of their political masters ever since. They are:

1) Tax breaks will be offered to people in the South East, earning more than £250,000 a year, who wish to buy a house in Cornwall for occasional holiday use only. No stamp duty will apply in such cases and purchasers will be able to offset the entire purchase against income tax.

2) The impact of point 1 will make it even more difficult for the Cornish to buy homes in their own land. As more and more homes are given over to occasional use, the necessary infrastructure to support local life (schools and medical services) will collapse. This will drive the Cornish out to the re-settlement areas in the brownfield sites of former industrial Northern England, which await them and the rest of the poor not fit to live in the South.

3) Social Housing will remain for some of the Cornish, since some menials will be required to service the needs of the rich, who will make infrequent, but loving, use of our land.

4) All Cornish names should gradually be replaced by full-blooded English names, such as Smallhampton for Truro and Holyhead instead of the alien-sounding "Penzance", so that English people can feel more at home. At the very end of the process, the name "Cornwall" should itself be replaced by the English-sounding West Wessex.

That is Project Marina. Already, all over Cornwall there are signs of development projects that are designed to benefit -- not the indigenous Cornish -- but those who are destined to take their place in West Wessex.

One such development project is that for the marina complex in the former Penlee Quarry between Newlyn and Mousehole, which will house yachts costing hundreds of thousands of pounds and offer dwellings (for part-time use, of course) at similarly high prices.

Clearly such amenities are not for the locals, who earn on average £13,000 annually, if they are lucky. This is just one of many projects designed to take Cornwall from its people, like taking a mother from her baby, and offer it to those who can pay, just like offering that mother to those who can pay.

The Roundup cornered the Press Officer of the Government Office of the South West, Mr Heinrich Zap-Kernow, as he made his way to Madam Zarah Strict for his weekly therapy visit. He tried to calm growing Cornish fears about loss of identity and indeed of homeland.

Mr Zap-Kernow, who only recently changed his name from Zap-Poland in an attempt to please the Cornish, stated that:

"The people of Cornwall, or West Wessex as it will shortly be known, have no need to fear the loss of their homeland, since, in the future, literally anyone with the necessary funds (income of £250,000 or disposable assets of £1 million) will be able to purchase a home in Cornwall -- and even live in it all year round, if they can tear themselves away from London and Waitrose for long enough. Quite frankly I can't see what all the fuss is about."

The Roundup feels that it is high time that the Cornish realise what is happening to Cornwall. Be alert, watch closely, analyse the changing elements, sharpen your wits and tongue, and speak out for Cornwall!

Editor

NEWS IN BRIEF

By staff reporter Rendell Janner
TRENGWAINTON LIONS A ROARING SUCCESS!
The 4,500 lions let loose in the Joachim Von Ribbentrop Memorial Gardens at Trengwainton have proved to be enormously popular with local visitors.

Pictured here on the left is Lizzie Polglaze (67) in a photograph taken seconds before the "horrific incident". Miss Polglaze, who has worked on the till in Beares' butchers on the Parade, Penzance, since she was a girl of 16, was so excited to be riding the lion that she unfortunately wet herself.

The unexpected release of warm liquid so discomfited the lion that it turned on its hapless rider and, with others from the "Pride of Trengwainton", made a rather messy but speedy meal of Miss Polglaze. Trying to look on the bright side, Ethel Bolitho (72), Lizzie's best friend, said "Least she wen' out doin' sumthin' 'xcitin'. She'll be sum pleased 'bowt that -- she never 'ad a man."



SOCIETY WEDDING IN SANCREED
A crowd of several thousand Lesbian, Gay and Bisexual people gathered outside the Methodist Chapel in Sancreed for the occasion of the biggest society wedding there in the past two weeks. Mecca bingo caller Billy Penhaligon (35) married his childhood love, famous local transsexual Zeke (now Tamsin) Trewelah (34), a pigherd of Trebothick farm, Sancreed.

Billy commented, "I 'ave luvved 'un since we wuz knee 'igh an' I'm still fond ov un even though ee's now a maid!"

The blushing, and captivatingly beautiful, bride echoed these sentiments in her post-operative though still strikingly bass voice, "I kent wait to get ee 'ome - come on neow, my lover!"
The happy couple will live in a none-up, one-down in Tregavarah.

The presiding minister, the Reverend Methuselah Bugley (55), originally from West Yorkshire, when questioned about the unusual nature of the wedding he had just celebrated, merely commented cryptically, "There's nowt so queer as folk!"

THE MAESTRO PASSES ON!
Sixty three minutes silence was held on Tuesday in Newlyn to mark the surprise passing of Caleb Retallack (119), who died of exertion on the night of his wedding to his 8th wife, Rachel Trengenza (19).

Mr Retallack had, for a long time, been a champion and patron of the arts in Newlyn. A founder member and major funder, for many years, of the world famous Newlyn Underwater String Quartet, he devoted himself to the support and development of musical traditions of all sorts in Newlyn, being particularly fond of musically arranged eructations.

He also founded the Newlyn School of Female Body Art (19-20), which concerns itself with drawings, sketches and paintings rendered on the naked bodies of young women aged between 19 and 20 .

It is perhaps no co-incidence that his young bride Rachel, pole-dancing champion of Parc Wartha Estate, was one of the models at the School. His entire estate passes to Rachel.

R.C. OATES -- HOW THE EMPIRE STARTED!
Many people have often wondered just how R.C. Oates, the Relubbus mega-multi-billionnaire, made all his money. Now the Roundup can present a hitherto unseen picture of the great man in his earliest years, which sheds some light on this question.

Pictured here outside his garden shed -- which was later destined to become his flagship store in Relubbus -- R.C. Oates is shown as a young lad of 15 about to set off on his bike to deliver home-made Bovril-flavoured condoms to an eager Relubbus public.

Famed throughout West Cornwall as the man who can sell anything, this photo was taken by his mother, Mrs Temperance Oates, shortly before she too was sold to an Arabian slave-trader.

In short -- even as a schoolboy -- the young Oates was already displaying the entrepreneurial flair which was to power his ascent to the dizziest heights of capitalist success.

PENDEEN MAN WINS CARN GLOOSE LOTTERY

The surprise winner of this year's internationally-famed annual Carn Gloose Lottery can now be revealed to be none other than Pendeen man, Simon Jacka (37).

Mr Jacka, pictured here with his huge cheque following the presentation at the Newlyn Deep Sea Fishermen's Mission, accompanied by some rapidly-appearing and ever hopeful female admirers (all of whom work in the Newlyn Kwop), said that he had bought his £5 ticket some three months ago and then promptly forgot all about it.

"When I 'eard they numbers comin' up on Radio Kernow, it sounded a bit familiar. I 'ad plum fergot I 'ad that ticket, but when I 'eard they numbers, I pulled un out and couldn' bleeve I'd won the bleddy thing!"

Literally tens of tickets are sold throughout the year to hopefuls, who all have their eye on the big prize. This year the winning ticket brings Mr Jacka the princely sum of £341.95. Mr Jacka (42) is single and works over St Erth Creamery as a cleaner. He has, over the years, acquired a reputation as something of a gambling playboy on the West Cornwall scene and can often be seen down the Mecca Bingo, but a win on this scale was beyond his wildest dreams

Mr Jacka (39) plays trombone in Pendeen band and came 5th in the sack race in his penultimate year at primary school. His mother, Lizzie (96), who lives nearby in an old folks' home, was over the moon.

"Now ee've won 'is fortune, all ee duh want now is to settle down with sum nice li'l maid", she said.

The nice little maids in the picture are from the left Rowena Pascoe (18, cheese counter), Olive Pengelly (21, bacon counter), Avril Pearce (23, fruit and vegetables) and Lavinia Andrewartha (19, till). Unfortunately, when the girls realised that the winnings were £341.95 and not £341,950, they disappeared as quickly as they came.
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RELUBBUS AIRWAYS ARE PROUD TO ANNOUNCE THE RE-INTRODUCTION OF THEIR POPULAR "SELECTOR" FLIGHTS
Relubbus Airways, "the people's choice" airline, with scheduled daily return flights from Relubbus International airport to St Just airport, Newquay, and Wellington in New Zealand, has succumbed to enormous public pressure and is re-introducing its hugely popular, but controversial, "Selector" flights.

Pictured on the left is the Merlin turbo-prop nine-seater, manufactured by the Cornish Aircraft Corporation (CAC) at Rosudgeon, that will be used for the flights, which are regarded as the ultimate thrill in air travel.

The Selector is a variant of musical chairs with one crucial difference. Passengers are secured into their seats with hand and ankle cuffs. When safely airborne, the Selector is switched on. Stirring music is heard -- vigorously hummed or whistled by the pilot. A light on top of the headrest of each seat is illuminated -- one after the other. When the music stops, the occupant of the illuminated seat is "selected" and receives a 150,000 volts electric shock.

In an atmosphere of ever growing suspense, up to three selections can be made per flight.

One of the survivors from the last flight in June last year commented, "You just don't know suspense till you've been on a Selector -- it could be curtains for you! You feel so relieved when you are one of the last six, who will touch down, but then you can't wait to get up there again for that special buzz!"

Selector flights will start next week from Relubbus International and will cost £8500 per person. Special rates for "Get the Groom" stag parties!! Tel. Relubbus 456830

LIECHTENSTEIN NAVY VISITS NEWLYN

Newlyn was yesterday graced with the official visit of the flagship of the Royal Liechtenstein Navy, HMS Furzbeutel, under the command of his Excellency High Admiral Adolf von Strüdli-Müdli (47).

Pictured on the left in his demonstration case, the High Admiral is an eminent emissary of the Liechtenstein monarchy. Some attribute his rapid rise through the ranks of the Liechtenstein navy to the fact that he was the official whipping boy for the reigning Prince, Hans Adam, when the latter was a boy.

Hans Adam was such a notoriously naughty lad that Adolf all too frequently had to take the cane on his behalf. Hence, Adolf's meteoric rise through the Navy is widely thought to be owed to his childhood role as protector of the royal bum.

Given the sometimes savage treatment meted out to him in early years, the High Admiral is now protected most of the time by his demonstration case, in which he meets the public.

Crowds of people, numbering 3 or 4, jostled with one and another and clustered around the end of Newlyn pier, straining to catch a glimpse of the noble vessel as it was towed into the harbour with the High Admiral's presentation case proudly on display on the deck.

HMS Furzbeutel, shown here on the left, is currently the only ship, as well as the flagship, of the Liechtenstein Navy. It is manned by the entire Navy, which totals three men (apart from the High Admiral, of course!).

In the picture on the left you can glimpse the three (together with the High Admiral in his case) being taken to shore in a cutter. Once ashore they were treated to a fish and chip supper at Harold Jewel's, following which they repaired to the Dolphin Inn for a civic drink-up.



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Not progressing fast enough in your chosen career? Then come to the Heamoor Napoleon Bonaparte School of Management.

Mr Napoleon Bonaparte, of 7 Parc Wartha Road, Heamoor, is pleased to be able offer top level coaching to people who really want to get to the top of their career, "just like my great-great-great-grandfather".

Mr Bonaparte, pictured here on the left in his "best gear" is by day a sales assistant in Wilton & Nichols ironmongers in Penzance, although he doesn't wear his "best gear" to work in the shop, where, after 35 years solid service, he is the acknowledged expert on all sorts of nails and screws, and where he is known simply as Bert Trenwith (50).

However, by evening -- after he has had his tea -- he transforms into his alter ego and likes to be known as "Nappy". Nappy, who lives with his Enty Dora, is allowed to use the front room for his high-level training courses, which last just 30 minutes each, so that he is in time to watch Eastenders with his Enty.

The courses are a little on the expensive side, costing £15 for each session, but, as Nappy says, "Jes look what 'appened to Warren Buffet, Bill Gates and Alan Sugar, oo've all been 'ere before they made their millions!"

Without giving too much away, Nappy believes that the secret to a top level career lies in how you stand -- your posture. The lower buttons on the shirt must be opened and the right hand inserted, as though one had some sort of irritating itch. We can't give any more away -- the rest you will learn from Nappy.
Courses take place on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday evenings. They start punctually at 7.00 pm and numbers are limited to no more than 45 people -- cash up front.
Come to Nappy! Change your life! Get yourself a Nappy Change!!