All eyes are set upon the Prospidnick Institute of Decorative Patisserie at which, on 20th 
January 2009, there is a handover of power from the outgoing President, Mr Daftasa Brush to the sparkling new President, Mr By-Rock Hussein O’Barmer.
Located as it is on the grounds of the prestigious Prospidnick American Hospital, the Institute is patronised almost exclusively by Americans. The post of President is therefore keenly fought over by Americans and the Presidential contest is closely watched by Americans around the world.
American television networks are therefore expected to flood into Prospidnick to cover the inauguration of the new President and to broadcast his inaugural address, in which he will outline his vision for the future and his primary goals for the four year term of his office.
The outgoing President did not exactly cover himself with glory during his period of office. 
He seemed to struggle with the simple things like opening the right doors, holding a book the right way up and walking in a straight line WITHOUT looking like a monkey. He also had great difficulties in controlling his facial muscles and even found speaking a challenge beyond his capabilities on many occasions, when he would seem to invent words, which he then uttered with all the desperation of a pet puppy trying to please.
The Americans are now pleased to be able to rid themselves of this “embarrassment on legs” and turn with fresh hope towards the promise offered by the new President, pictured 
here at his Prospidnick hideaway with his family. In a nation historically challenged by racial division, he embodies ready-made solutions in his very own persona, as reflected even in his name.
The first element “By-Rock” reflects Methodist fundamental roots, whereas the “Hussein” element plays well with the Muslim community. The last name, “O’Barmer”, is a complex one, which appeals both to the significant Irish community as well as to many in Europe, since Barmer is the name of a German health insurance vehicle. All in all, he seems to present the perfect package.
The guest of honour at the inauguration will, of course, be none other than the Chairman of 
the Greater Relubbus Urban Council (GRUC) Billy Spargo (97) himself (pictured here 30 years ago on holiday in Porthcurno).
Mr Spargo is estranged from his wife and it is believed that he will be accompanied by his new ‘love interest’ Dita von Teese (24), whose months of throwing herself at the great man have eventually paid off.
(The couple met at an anagram weekend in a sauna in Sancreed, where Miss Teese 
(shown here on the left) revealed that her name was an anagram of ‘Neatest Video’ and that his was an anagram of ‘Pay Big Rolls’. He corrected her by telling her that his name was an anagram of ‘Slob Girl Pay’).
Spargo’s presence means that the event will also be broadcast on Relubbus National Television, RNT or ‘Our Enty’, thereby guaranteeing a global audience of 1,900 million. We are sure that the people of Relubbus will join their great leader, Chairman Billy Spargo, in extending the hands of friendship to the new President and in wishing him every success and happiness.
PRESIDENTIAL POWER CHANGE!!
PROFESSOR MADRON PENGELLY, PSYCHOTHERAPIST
CELEBRITY NEWS
Professor Madron Pengelly (29) is, in the opinion of his mother, the world’s greatest psychotherapist. He has, apparently, helped the disturbed minds of countless global glitterati who have flocked to his consulting rooms in his Granpa’s shed just off the Long Rock Industrial Estate.
A session with him reminds all classical scholars of the celebrated partnership between Plato and Socrates, for Professor Pengelly is always in the company of his adviser, Dan Jago.
Pictured here are, on the right, Professor Pengelly himself, and, on the left, his constant companion since the age of 15, the redoubtable Dan Jago.
Although they have animated conversations with one another, it is only ever Dan Jago who now speaks to third parties, including Professor Pengelly’s mother, Sandra (58).
Thus it was that our interview with the young genius was conducted entirely through the medium of Dan Jago, who had been given a good wash by Mrs Pengelly prior to our visit.
We asked whether Professor Pengelly was prepared to name any of the famous folk he is said, by his mother, to have helped. Dan Jago became very animated at this point and rounded on us declaring “We are neither able nor willing to breach patient confidentiality”.
Roundup reporters are nothing if not dogged and the reporter assigned to undertake this interview, Pender “Ferret” Treglown, was not prepared to be so easily discouraged. Negotiations commenced immediately and rapidly advanced to a point whereby Pengelly, according to Jago, was prepared, for a sum no less than £1.49 and no more than £1.51, to spill the beans on his two latest clients.
Neither of these two clients is in the category of international glitterati. In fact, they are both local girls. However, they have agreed, only after the offer of suitably attractive financial inducements, to give their accounts of psychotherapy with “Dan and Mad”.
Elspeth Behenna (21), of Kenidjack describes herself as a freelance corpse dresser. It is a lonely job, travelling from morgue to morgue, cleaning up the recently deceased to look their best for their beloved.
It is perhaps the solitary nature of her professional life that allowed her to slip into the aberration, which became her undoing, of eating (after frying in olive oil!) the left buttock of each of her clients. When she confessed this on a visit to Father Christmas at the R C Oates Superstore, it was his shocked reaction and refusal to give her a present that made her realise that something was wrong. She then approached “Dan and Mad” for help.
She stated that it was only a matter of seconds until Dan fully commanded her attention and until she was no longer conscious of the fact that Mad’s right hand disappeared into the sock that was Dan. She reported that every time that Dan spoke in his high-pitched squeaky voice with a pronounced Camborne accent, Mad’s left hand was covering his (Mad's) mouth.
With artful verbal proddings, Elspeth was soon made to feel the error of her ways and she is now over her little aberration. As she says herself “I do’n eat bum no more!!”
The next patient, Rosie Trembath (24) of Landewednack presented more of a challenge, as became apparent during the first of their 42 (so far) consultations.
Rosie, a self-employed market gardener, has, since the age of 14, had an itch problem ‘down below’, which can only be relieved by vigorous couplings. The frequency with which such relief had to be sought was beginning to get in the way of her day job and she realised that she had a problem. Thus she had recourse to “Dan and Mad”.
Professor Pengelly’s usual manner of procedure was interrupted right from the first consultation, when Rosie began to outline the nature of her complaint. The professor’s left hand slipped from his mouth and moved to his trouser pocket. Rosie then became the first patient to witness the professor’s mouth moving as Dan spoke, but she was distracted from this obvious observation by the strange, but mesmerisingly rhythmic movements in Professor Pengelly’s trousers as she told her tale.
Enervated by the whole experience, Rosie felt no further itches as long as she kept her regular appointments with the Professor, which she continues to do to this day.
Thus we have but two accounts of therapy with this unusual man. However, a reliable source , Mrs ‘Ollis, who does cleaning at nearby Morrisons, has seen several celebrities slipping in and out of the hut, including the Chancellor of Germany, Frau Merkel, His Holiness the Pope, Presidents Bush and Sarkozy, Mrs Cherie Blair and Basil Brush. We will be watching!
SCIENCE TRANSFORMS MORAL CLIMATE
Renowned Relubbus recluse Ronnie Rosewarne, often known as the "King of Christian Science", has released details of a powerful new tool that he has designed to help improve the moral fibre of Relubbus.
Professor Rosewarne is shown here on the left in the most recent photograph we have of this most private and elusive individual. The photo was taken back in the 1920s, when Professor Rosewarne had slipped out of his cottage to go to Trevaskis stores to buy a jar of his much-beloved Bovril. Since then, this intensely shy man has managed to avoid all photographers. His primary point of contact with the outside world is via his cleaning lady for the past 60 years, Miss Ethel Tregonning (86).
Despite his advanced years -- Professor Rosewarne is now 116 years old -- his brain remains as acutely sharp and fertile as ever it was. His latest offering to the world is little short of being a marvel -- for he has invented a "mind washing machine". As this proud Cornishman and fiercely fundamentalist Methodist himself sums it up, "There are far too many people walkin' roun' with dirty thoughts. My machine will wash they dirty thoughts clean out o' their minds".
Pictured on the left is the sort of helmet that Professor Rosewarne believes everyone in Relubbus should be wearing. The device does not impair breathing very much and permits near normal vision. When the wearer entertains impure or improper thoughts, he or she will immediately be subjected to very high pressure and very high temperature jets of water, which will pierce the skull and "clean up" any dirty thoughts in the head.
Speaking through his mouthpiece to the world, Miss Tregonning, Professor Rosewarne is at pains to point out that the device has gone through the most extensive testing. He has tried out the device on his two laboratory mice -- Jago and Clemo -- by showing them rather racey and saucey photos of Sue Barker from the Radio Times, whilst they were wearing scaled-down versions of the device. He states that he clearly saw the evil thoughts being expunged from the mice in the gentle smoke that was emitted from their bodies as they died.
The announcement has caused great excitement in the religious world, attracting considerable interest and advance orders (in the millions) from fundamentalists all over the world, including the Bible belt in the US, Saudi Arabia, Pakistan and Afghanistan, as well as personal orders from a Mr G. Bush in the White House, a Mr Ahmed Dinner-Jacket in Iran, a Mr Oskar Bin Liner in Pakistan, and a Mr L. Shark in Cornwall.
Issue 10, 27th August 2007
RELUBBUS TO BECOME 51st US STATE!
By Political Correspondent Rendell Janner
In an unfortunate mixup in our last issue we reported that the USA was to become part of Greater Relubbus. It seems that we were deliberately misled by mischievous elements within MI6 and the Russian KGB. We now have it on good authority (no less than that of the American CIA) that almost the reverse of what was originally reported is the case: the truth is that Relubbus is to issue a unilateral declaration of independence (UDI) from the United Kingdom in order to become the fifty-first state of the United States of America.
Leader of the Greater Relubbus Urban Council (GRUC), Billy Spargo, said: "Us ul 'ave our own state legis-slaturr, an' we shul 'av Senaturrs and Congessmen in Washington. An' they bleddy English kent do nawthin' about it!"
THE WORLD'S REACTION TO UDI
President George Dubya Bush of the USA:
UK Foreign Secretary David Milliband:
"Bugger!"
UK Chancellor of the Exchequer Alistair Darling:
"The UK economy is absolutely dependent on Greater Relubbus! We're stuffed!"
UK Chief of General Staff, General Sir Richard Dannatt:
"The UK armed forces are absolutely dependent on Greater Relubbus! We're stuffed!"
French President Nicholas Sarcozy (the French are believed to have wooed Relubbus to join the French Republic):
"Merde! C'est incroyable! Nous sommes bourrés!"
NATO Secretary General Jaap de Hoop Scheffer:
"Since Greater Relubbus is moving from the jurisdiction of one NATO country to another we don't foresee any problems."
UK MP and former Home Secretary David Blunkett:
"I saw this coming."
In his leader column, "Why UDI? Why now?", editor Sylvanus Penhaul gives the Roundup's verdict on UDI -- see "THE THUNDERER", below.
Roman Colony found in Relubbus!
By Cornish historian Dr Philip Prayton
Roundup reporters have stumbled across a small Roman colony that has managed to survive -- hidden and undisturbed -- since the last Legion (the second Augusta) was withdrawn from Britain in AD 407 by Emperor Constantine III (42), to help defend Rome against the barbarians threatening the existence of the Empire.
Pictured here is the leader of the colony, a Mr Quintus Servilius Clemo (52). Mr Clemo explained, "Cum Constantinus duodecimam legionem ad Galliam duxit, Britannia periculosa erat. Solum in Relubbo poterat vivere in incolumitate."
Denzil Trevains, an interpreter for the Greater Relubbus Urban Council (GRUC) Foreign Relations Committee (FRC) gave us the gist of what Mr Clemo said: " When Constantine took the 12th legion off to Gaul, Britain became a dangerous place. Only in Relubbus was it possible to live in safety."
As the Romans might say "Mirabile dictu" -- or "it is strange to relate" - this colony of about 150 people has managed to struggle on and survive, preserving the Roman way of life and the Latin language in the environs of Relubbus.
The valley in which they live is surrounded by difficult terrain, that none of the bordering farms have attempted to cultivate. This lack of intrusion allowed the colony to preserve the independence and safety it craved. Occasionally, over the centuries, scouts have ventured out and have observed and recorded the changing face of Cornwall. The National Library of Greater Relubbus will be given access to this invaluable treasure trove of information.
On the left, we are able to show -- for the first time -- a picture of the Relubbus Roman colony, which is built around a central square, graced by a magnificent fountain. Built in the fifth century, it has been lovingly maintained by the colony ever since.
Councillor Billy Spargo of GRUC has declared that the integrity of the colony must be preserved. To that end, PC Willy Trembath has been asked to guard the entrance to the colony.
Asked how it felt to be a Roman living in Cornwall, Mr Clemo replied, "Non sum Romanus, Cornubiensis sum" -- "I am not Roman, I am Cornish."
ADVERTISEMENT
RETALLACK -- THE RADIO MAN!
Bernie Retallack is world famous for his hand-crafted radios, which are, amazingly, made entirely of wood.
In the picture below, these charming Newlyn ladies are listening to a Rainforest special, which Bernie has put together using some of the rarest rainforest woods. Some models are, because the type of wood is so rare, sadly no longer available.
Bernie’s radios have the unique advantage that they can only pick up Radio Cornwall, which is, of course, the only station worth listening to.
With Bernie’s radios, you don’t have to worry about replacing batteries or about electricity use, as each and every radio has its own nuclear power source, which is now almost completely safe -- which is why none of the ladies is shown wearing the usual Retallack anti-radiation suit.
Quality does not come cheap, so if you would like to be the proud owner of one of these Retallack radios, the starting price is £9,750 and rising according to the rarity of the woods used. Don’t hesitate -- Retallack radios have a high resale value and are seen as an investment!
There’s no better thing from Pendeen to Botallack If you want a good radio, then come to Retallack!
ANOTHER HIT FOR YOUNG WIVES!
By Arts Correspondent Rendell Janner
The play is set in the staid confines of a finishing school in Copperhouse, Hayle, where young ladies of quality and good family are sent to be polished for fine West Cornwall society life. The drama is provided when the school, staffed only by hand-picked virtuous spinsters selected by the Headmistress, Dame Violet Pearce, is struck by a mystery virus. A London specialist, Doctor Monty Viagra, holidaying in the vicinity, is called in to help.
Pictured on the left are Derek Bosallow (42) as Dr Monty Viagra, with, from the bottom left, Harriet Hicks (23) as Prudence Pengilly, Amelia Beglehole (27) as Lavinina Caddy, Dina Pollard (28) as Henrietta Tilly, Tamazine Roskilly (24) as Maria Trebilcock, and Selena Nicholls (29) as Cordelia Tregonning.
Dr Monty Viagra’s rigorous individual and often impromptu examinations of the young ladies gradually lead to a lapse in the otherwise tight moral fabric of the school. When local police investigate, it turns out that the dastardly rogue Viagra has himself deliberately caused the "virus" outbreak by poisoning the water.
Such was the success of the show that there is now talk of transferring it to the internationally famed Relubbus Playhouse.
Editorial, by THE THUNDERER
Why UDI? Why now?
Editor Sylvanus Penhaul gives the Roundup's verdict on Relubbus' unilateral declaration of independence from the UK
In his magisterial essay "An antidote to English political, cultural, and monetary imperialism", famed Cornish historian Dr Philip Prayton argues the case for a Cornish regional parliament, on the lines of the Scottish Parliament or Welsh Assembly. We do not have the space to quote at length from that document here, but we urge all our readers interested in the survival of whatever remains of our Cornish culture to read it. You can find it at http://articles.relubbusroundup.co.uk/relubbus_parliament.html .
Relubbus, always at the fore of Cornish politics, has taken the lead again. Indeed, it has gone even further than the good doctor envisaged. Unwilling to wait any longer for the chimera of a Cornish regional parliament, or for the placemen of Cornwall County Council to take decisive action, it has boldly struck out alone for full independence from England. It is a move that will create shock waves throughout Cornwall and, indeed, throughout the rest of the UK. It will undoubtedly provoke demands for the rest of Cornwall to join with Relubbus and follow suit.
THE LATEST BLOCKBUSTER!
THE DAM BUSTERS
starring RICHARD TODD and MICHAEL REDGRAVE
1:30 p.m, 4:30 p.m., 7:30 p.m.
ANOTHER SUCCESS FOR RELUBBUS BALLET ACADEMY!
By Ballet Correspondent Amelia Nankervis
The ballet is introduced by the Narrator, Nankervis himself, whose voice we hear, but whom we do not see. One by one, he introduces each boy and explains how each bespectacled balletist came to play a role in his romantic life.
The picture on the left shows the grand finale of the ballet, in which all the ballet dancers, separately introduced during the previous six hours, all dance together.One unquestionably magical element of this six-and-a-half-hour-long ballet is the mesmeric music, which lifts and carries us along with each and every step. Such magic can only be supplied by Percy Botheras and his triangle and, indeed, he was the sole musician throughout the performance, delivering a piece he composed himself especially for this ballet entitled Music for Tom’s Ballet.
All 31 spectators in the packed Grand Ballet House, Boswedden Lane, Relubbus, emerged from the performance dazed, dazzled, and entranced.
ADVERTISEMENT FEATURE
Derek Bosallow’s BRIGHT IDEAS
Top West Cornwall spectacle designer Derek Bosallow is hoping to strike it rich big time with his new range of funky specs, which he is launching under the name of "Bright Ideas".
Modelled here by beautiful local model, Lavinia Ungate, the new range of funky specs is available from Mr Bosallow’s consulting rooms in Bread Street, Penzance.Although this cannot be seen in the picture, the specs are linked to electrodes, which pick up the wearer's brain activity. When the wearer has a bright idea, the rim of the specs come alive with alternating red and green flashing lights and a loud buzzing noise is emitted.
Boasallow claims that many a smart office lad or lass wishing to impress an employer should wear his spectacles: "It’s all about competitive edge and my spectacles will give the youngsters all the edge they are looking for!"
POETRY CORNER
Edited by Literary Editor Emily Bindweed
We recently brought you news of the untimely death of Miss Morwenna Pellow, who was snatched from us at the age of 94.
Her sisters, the Misses Loveday (99) and Zenobia (101), pictured here in the days when they sang together as the "Cornish Songbirds", have composed a poem in honour of their sister, which we are proud to be able to publish today.
Older readers will recall with fondness the days in the 1930s when the Cornish Songbirds were a barnstorming success from Lands End all the way up to Truro. The blend of Loveday’s lilting soprano and Zenobia’s surprising bass was the hallmark of their performances, in which they were sometimes accompanied by their now sadly deceased sister, Morwenna, on the washboard.
In Memoriam
To our dear sister Morwenna, from Loveday and Zenobia
When all in the garden was lovely
And sunlight gilded the day,
It was easy then to be happy
And in brightness then to be gay.
Now life’s evening draws in upon us
We discover alas to our fright
That it’s getting so very much darker --
And for you it is already night!
Since childhood we were always together,
Grew up, lived life and got squiffy;
Don’t get lonely up there, sweet Morwenna,
For we will be up in a jiffy!
The Roundup Visits the Papua New Guinea Embassy in Relubbus
On the left we see His Excellency the Ambassador Khaswaho Baito Heiro, dressed in civvies, discussing the seating plan for the grand feast to be staged at the embassy in No.31 Boswedden Lane, Relubbus.The feasts are a special occasion in the embassy, looked forward to by everyone, since, when away from home, they do not often get the opportunity to eat "long pig". It also greatly adds to the excitement and suspense of the occasion that none of the guests know in advance who is to get the honour of receiving the golden seat. The lucky recipient is taken off at the start of the feast "for special things". No one knows what these "things" are as no one has yet returned from the great honour. Surprisingly little concern is expressed, as all have such a good time and the special dish, "long pig", once it arrives 3 hours later, is truly delicious special meat. Mr Heiro even says that they make some pasties from the "special meat".
On feast days, his Excellency wears his special outfit, as pictured on the left. He has spent some four years now in Relubbus as the Ambassador and is thrilled to have the opportunity of living amongst the Cornish. He says,"I like Kernow much and like Cornish people. They never get golden seat at feast. So far only Japanese, French, and German people have had golden seat."His Excellency has an impressive collection of heads, which are on proud display in the reception hall of the grandiose hut which houses the embassy. He has developed a love of geology during his stay in Kernow and spends many a happy hour in the countryside and around the cliffs, searching out new additions to his collection of stones, the best of which are fashioned lovingly into spear- and arrow-heads.
LONELY HEARTS waiting for you!
In our first entry this week, some readers might feel that we have overstepped the mark in catering for unusual tastes, but the Roundup is a firm believer in cultural diversity and is not judgemental about the wishes and inclinations of others.
Are you ready for 5?! On the left are 5 Cornish lovelies, all looking for one man -- to share! From the left, we have Liza Holman (59); followed, in front, by Harriet Hicks (82) and Kitty Trewelah (48); in the back row are Nanny Harvey (76) and Maddy Polgrean (61). None of these girls has been married and, being firm friends, they have decided that their excursion into relations with the opposite sex should be on the basis of "one for all and all for one". They are ideally looking for a strapping farm boy of no more than 35 years of age.
Harriet would like to try water sports and Kitty would like to try bondage, but apart from that they are game for anything. If you think you are the man for them, write to BOX 4691.
Michiko Morioka (28) works as a secretary at the Japanese Embassy in Relubbus. Having fallen in love with Cornwall, she would next like to meet a Cornishman with whom she can fall in love and settle down.Michiko has high skills in the Japanese arts of flower arranging (ikebana), paper folding (origami), and ritual tea preparation (chado). Petite and pretty and very determined about always wearing Japanese dress, she nonetheless firmly believes that her future is in Cornwall, ideally in either the Hayle Copperhouse or Camborne area. Her ideal man would be between 50 and 60, unemployed, flatulent, and corpulent. Says Michiko, "I rike charrange!"
Box 6539 is the one to write for Michiko.
Tommy Woolcock (29) is a man who likes a laugh or two. He is a bus conductor, working on the busy Penzance -- Relubbus route, but has designed his own "jolly" outfit to "keep they laughs comin’". He is pictured here with a bus full of appreciative customers. He might be able to "make ‘em laugh", but he has had a lot less luck in the girlfriend department and is looking to the Roundup to help him out.Tommy asks us to point out that he is not only a highly successful bus conductor with a great future in West Cornwall transport and a great sense of humour, but he is also a man of many other hidden parts. Cryptically, he tells us that he is anatomically different from other men, but won’t tell us how. He does tell us that he came second in the West Cornwall Controlled Screaming contest in 2002 and also came in 13th in the 2003 Marathon Whistling contest.
If you are female and willing, then Tommy would like to hear from you at Box No 7862.
Arthur Rosewarne (32), on the left of this photo, is a young man who would like to meet girls who will accept his preference for female attire, which he assures us does not make him any less of a man. He is a roofer by trade and lives in his own caravan on a site in Hayle.Arthur is a man of many parts and has built up an impressive collection of models made from his own earwax. He also has a collection of women’s underwear, taken fresh from the line. He is a keen devotee of Sturm und Drang literature, which he reads in the original. For entertainment, he likes to put out quick-acting poisoned bird food.
Arthur is a complex character, but there is someone out there for everyone and if you are the one for him, then Box No 5612 is the one for you.
IN THE NEXT BUMPER ISSUE
- SCHOOL HEAD LASHES CORNISH LANGUAGE BOARD
- LUDGVAN LOVELIES "ABDUCTED BY ALIENS"
- ART FORGERY SHOCK! Could the pride of the Relubbus International Gallery of Modern Art, Botallack's acknowledged masterpiece, Empty Canvas, be a fake?
- MUSICAL GENIUS STRIKES HUGE AUDIENCE DUMB!
- The Roundup says "Guten Tag" to the German Embassy
- Edward Shortwave-Radio shares a moment with Roundup Readers
- 'OOS DEAD? Our popular obituaries section.
- Our socially-responsible LONELY HEARTS column.
- And much, much more!
Issue 9, 13th August 2007
EXCLUSIVE: SPARGO AND MADAME SARKOZY IN SECRET LOVE TRYST!
By Political Correspondent Rendell Janner
Elysee watchers have been perplexed by the froideur that characterises the relationship between the new French President, Nicholas Sarkozy, and his wife Cecilia (25). At the election of the new President there should have been a new era at the Elysee, presided over by the President’s glamorous wife, Cecilia (34).
Pictured here in a photo that captures the smouldering beauty of this sensual woman, and which reflects her gypsy and Spanish descent, Cecilia (42) has kept the French and international press guessing as to her intentions.
The Roundup can now reveal the truth behind the reticence of Mme Sarkozy (21) to play "President’s wife" at the Elysee.
Cecilia (52) has been spotted in Lamorna Cove, where she has been sharing a cottage with outspoken firebrand GRUC Councillor Billy Spargo. Mr Spargo (78), who has never married, has been romantically linked with a number of women, boys, and indeed animals over recent years. However, it would seem that this stalwart of the GRUC has truly met his heart’s desire in Mme Sarkozy (49). The couple are even said to be planning to move into a plush flat together on the prestigious Gwavas Estate overlooking Mount's Bay. During a quiet meal "a deux" at the Navy Inn in Penzance, they were overheard discussing having children together.
Mr Spargo (78) has taken to wearing a heavy disguise (seen on the left) in an attempt to shake off the international press -- an attempt in which he has been successful. However, he could not shake off the terriers of the Relubbus press-photographer corps.
The French President is said to be absolutely distraught at the loss of his wife to the Relubbus political leader. However, given the enormous diplomatic weight that Relubbus carries internationally, the French Republic and its President have had to smile and accept the loss of this most beautiful woman (43) to the superior attractions of Spargo and Relubbus. C’est la vie, Sarkozy!
EXCLUSIVE: US TO BECOME PART OF RELUBBUS!
By Political Correspondent Rendell Janner
American society is in meltdown. The incumbent President, George Bush the Little, has lower approval ratings than any other President ever. According to surveys, the average American would be happier having tea with a chimp than with the President -- despite the comfortingly strong physical resemblance between the two.
If you are poor in America, you can’t afford to be sick -- that is a privilege reserved for the rich and insured. This is just one of the many divisions that epitomise the social geography of a once-great land.
When the White Man came to North America, he found an indigenous people who were divided into tribes. New tribes now populate this vast land of different time zones, the difference being that now it is possible to be a member of more than one tribe at the same time. To quote just two examples, there is the Evangelical tribe and the gun-owning National Rifle Association tribe. There are many other tribes, the listing of which is left by this writer to those anorak-wearers who derive pleasure from the task.
Suffice it to say that the USA is rift by divisions and that it is accordingly little wonder that the American public looks, with wistful and envious eyes, across the Atlantic to Relubbus.
A secret gathering of American leaders, past, present, and aspiring, has agreed to approach the Greater Relubbus Urban Council (GRUC) to seek direct rule from Relubbus. The Roundup can confirm that it has learnt from impeccable sources (Liza Penberthy, the cleaner at the GRUC offices) that Councillor Billy Spargo will shortly announce GRUC’s acceptance of the US government’s plea for direct rule from Relubbus.
It is believed that the GRUC will be dedicating as many as four full-time personnel to the management of American affairs. There will be a specially dedicated telephone connection between Washington and Relubbus, for urgent calls only. For all other matters, there will be a monthly courier connection.
The US will disband all its embassies around the world and will instead be represented abroad by Relubbus diplomats, where there happen to be any. The US armed forces will also be disbanded and the 12th Relubbus Scout troop will, remotely, take over the defence of the USA.
Councillor Billy Spargo’s nephew, Archie Treglown, is to be despatched to Washington (via Hayle fishing boat) with two Relubbus policemen to bring about radical changes: the banning of guns, the redistribution of national wealth equally, the replacement of all churches with Cornish Methodist chapels, and various other steps to make the USA just like Relubbus.
Archie Treglown (pictured left) said last night, "I ebbent bin out of Cornwall ever, so I am lookin’ forward to goin’ ovver to Americee to sort out they yanks.I aren’t expectin’ no problems, but jest in case anyone duh get a bit teasy, I am taking my cousin and ‘is mate. They are both policemen and they are as ‘ard as nails."
Councillor Spargo has stated that, whilst Relubbus has accepted the USA, it cannot assimilate any more countries at present. This is seen as a warning to Russia, which is believed to have also hoped for direct rule from Relubbus.
DISTRAUGHT BEVERLEY
By Social Affairs Correspondent Rendell Janner
The Roundup has long been known as a publication that fights for equity and for social and poetic justice. It is a reputation of which we are proud. We bring you the moving story of Beverley Tregear and ask, if you are touched by her tale, to send all cheques and donations to Sylvanus Penhaul at the Swordfish in Newlyn.
Beverley Tregear is only 19 years of age. A shy girl, she sits, wordless, on a bench between her two daughters, Tracey (4) on the left and Sharon (6) on her right. The silence is eerie and unsettling.As she has done for days, Beverley sits and distractedly toys with her husband’s unwashed sock, as though this simple article of clothing could provide her with a link to a man she will never see again. A once powerful olfactory link, it is diminishing in potency day by day.
Her common-law husband, Nev, who was in the same class as her at school, was, for the precious time that they had together, the model of a devoted husband and father.
Nev and Bev were known amongst their many friends at the Soshul as a couple who liked to keep themselves to themselves. They were devoted to each other -- linked by a love so strong that you could almost see its sinews and smell its strength.
Nev, who sometimes worked part time as a rodent catcher with his mates, Trev and Kev, used to come home from the pub every night promptly at 10.45 pm. He never once vomited inside the house, taking particular care to do so on Mrs Hollis’ doorstep on the way home. Being a man of refinement, he almost always urinated the vomit away before he left so that Mrs Hollis was never aware of the religious observance of this practice.
Given this solid background, one cannot understand why he should leave his love nest in Newlyn to move in with Pendeen scrubber Linda Polglaze, pictured here (in miniature for decency’s sake) on the left. In financial straits and reduced to going to the fish ‘n’ chip shop once every two days, instead of every day, Bev now needs your help. Please give generously to keep this family afloat.My Professor’s a chimp!
By Arts Correspondent Rendell Janner
The gloves were off in furious exchanges at the renowned Relubbus Chamber Music Conservatoire, when several of the students declared that their resident professor contributed nothing to their musical development and "was little better than a chimp" (this latter insult believed to be a cruel play on the professor’s name). The gentleman in question, Professor C. Himp, refused to be drawn into any discussion and remained typically tight-lipped.
Professor Himp, pictured here on the left in a photo taken yesterday, is clearly taken aback by these comments. He is believed to be deeply offended by such wholly unwarranted and unjustified comments from his students.He has withdrawn from all teaching engagements and can be occasionally glimpsed in the Institute’s garden, perched on a tree, disconsolately munching a banana.
It is not known where this sorry saga leaves the prestigious Relubbus Conservatoire, but you can rely on the Roundup to keep you posted.
CITY PAGES
TREVASKIS TO LAUNCH HOSTILE BID FOR TESCO!
By City and Business Editor Rendell Janner
Financial market traders in Relubbus, London, and capitals around the world were yesterday all humming with the rumour that W.G. Trevaskis (35), the Relubbus mega-capitalist, is about to launch a hostile bid for Tesco.
Trevaskis, whose wealth is sometimes said to approach even that of RC Oates, has made a name for himself by growth through aggressive acquisition.
Pictured here on the left outside his flagship store in Relubbus, Trevaskis stunned corporate watchers with his daring raid on a Marazion grocery kiosk last year. The future of the kiosk, known locally as Enty Lydia’s, was plunged into doubt after the sudden and untimely demise of Miss Lydia Pollock (87) who owned and ran the kiosk with occasional help from schoolgirl Loveday Rescorla.In a bold move, only weeks after Miss Pollock passed on, Trevaskis moved in with an offer to take over the kiosk and employ Miss Rescorla (18), who had left school to run and manage the kiosk in the interim period.
The financial world has had only a year to recover from this "revolution in retail" before Trevaskis now appears to be poised to make a bid for Tesco.
According to the Roundup's financial sources, it seems that the rumour trail leads back to a conversation overheard on a bus travelling from Penzance to Relubbus. Mrs Rosemary Hollis (76), who lives next door to Mr Trevaskis’ mother (Gracie) and who is therefore deemed to be "in the know", was overheard saying to a friend, "Gracie was telling me that ‘er boy is goin' to do a lotta buyin in Tesco’s." These few words were all it took to set traders in both Relubbus and London on a path of Tesco share acquisition in the hope of benefiting from a Trevaskis buyout.
The Roundup cornered Trevaskis next to the till in his Relubbus shop and asked him outright about his buying intentions in Tesco’s. Initially tight-lipped, Trevaskis would say nothing at all -- at first. However, he eventually cracked under the pressure of the relentless stare and virulent halitosis of one-eyed Roundup reporter "Grubber" Trevithen. A shame-faced Trevaskis then admitted that, "when we duh run owt o’ things ‘ere before the delivery van duh come, I duh go in Tesco’s and buy un all there."
The simplicity of this cover story from cool Trevaskis was not enough to halt the rumour machine and not enough to calm the markets. The Tesco board is said to be transfixed with panic and many thousands now fear for their jobs in a potentially ruthless shake-up that would mirror the take-over of Enty Lydia’s only last year.
ALL THIS WEEK AT THE RELUBBUS MULTIPLEX
THE LATEST BLOCKBUSTER!
CECIL B. DE MILLE'STHE TEN COMMANDMENTS
starring CHARLTON HESTON, YUL BRYNNER, ANNE BAXTER, and EDWARD G. ROBINSON
1:30 p.m, 4:30 p.m., 7:30 p.m.
A MAGICAL NIGHT OF MAHLER AND BOTHERAS
From our Music Correspondent, Professor D. Behenna
Last Saturday at the Boscathnoe Arms in Relubbas, I had the great privilege of listening to Mahler’s 8th Symphony -- the "symphony of a thousand" -- played by the Relubbus Triangle and Kazoo quintet, led by Percy Botheras on lead triangle.
The genius of Mahler --as with that of all the greats -- relies upon the skilful interpretation of the musicians to become fully apparent to the audience. In this case, the hall was filled with the cognoscenti (my brother and myself), familiar with every note. And thus, before the performance began, there was a suspense you could touch and taste, as we waited to see what magic Botheras would invoke to bring this body of music alive to us.
There was no need for concern. In the hands of the master that is Botheras, this "body of music" truly sprang into mesmerising life with the first sonorous stroke of his triangle.
The novelty of this 90-minute-long performance was enhanced by the unusual fact that the remainder of the quintet were not called upon to play -- at all -- until the very last note -- a masterstroke indeed.
I can enlighten you further about this masterful musician. Botheras (pictured here on the left in joyful mid-stroke) is by day a milkman for the Kwop. He uses his time on the milkfloat to think out ever new interpretations of music for the triangle.An even greater surprise for our readers, and especially those who have had the privilege of listening to the work of Mr Botheras, is that he has only been playing the triangle for 5 weeks.
This is an amazing fact, when one considers the dimensions of subtlety that unfold before us as he strikes his triangle with ever greater meaning, leading us further and deeper into entirely new realms of musical expression.
Readers will be able to hear Botheras for themselves next week when he attempts Tchaikovsky’s Fourth symphony in a solo performance at St John’s Hall in Penzance. You are advised to apply early for tickets!
AMERICAN - CORNISH PHRASEBOOK
By Linguistics Correspondent Rendell Janner
Now that the USA is to be assimilated into Relubbus, there will be a far greater need for Cornish/American dialogue and understanding. To assist in this process, the Roundup is pleased to provide some common phrases in both languages.
American Cornish
Cheese-eating surrender monkeys Froggies
Swell (as in "guy") Proper or Brev
May I use the bathroom? I’m goin’ out back’ouse
Please, can I get a latte? Gunnavcuptea arrus?
Would you like to look around? Wannabit geek do ee?
How much does this cost? Wassacosta? or Owmuchissa?
Two and a half million dollars !?%?*?%?!%?
The Roundup Reports From Dublin
Pictured on the left is the Roundup's newest recruit, Jan "Mad" Carew. (Jan is the one without the handbag.)Regular readers may recall that Jan joined the Roundup in April as a Temporary Assistant Junior Cub Reporter (acting). Since then his progress has been startling. Following a string of scoops, Jan has already been promoted to Assistant Junior Cub Reporter (acting).
Jan's most recent assignment has been as the Roundup's Foreign Correspondent in Dublin. He is shown in that city, undertaking research into the gay and lesbian scene. We understand that he has also done extensive research into the Guinness brewing industry and the night life around Temple Bar. So far, the demands of his meticulous research have left him no time to file any actual stories. (We await his first report with keen anticipation! Ed.)
Inside the Saudi Embassy in Relubbus
By Diplomatic Correspondent Rendell Janner
At Number 4 Kenidjack Lane in Relubbus stand the two tents of the Saudi Arabian Embassy. The Roundup was invited inside to meet the inhabitants and have a look around. The main tent is shown in the photograph below, whilst the second tent is a much smaller "ablutions" tent, covering a simple hole in the ground and, next to it, a heap of Sun newspapers.
In the picture on the left we can see (in the middle of the photo) His Excellency Sheikh Mohammed wa Akbar wa al Akshar wa al Capone wa al Qaq wa al Wahabi. Given the length of his name, he asked us to simply call him "Terry".Terry is a relaxed and amiable man, who has come to feel at home in Cornwall and who now greatly prefers the Cornish climate and way of life to that in his native Saudi Arabia. "At home, is hot, hot, dust and sand. Here is everything better, walahi, the women, the boys, and the goats, walahi bilahi. I like it also very much pasties and cream."
A police guard stands permanently outside the tent to protect His Excellency from the unwelcome attentions of some of the more extreme Methodist groupings, who take offence at the mere presence of even such a nominal Muslim as Terry in Cornwall. One such shadowy armed group, calling itself the Gwennap Gangsters, last week managed to lob horse dung into the ablutions tent, whilst Terry was inside on a "sitting". He said, "Walahi, I sit and stretch and yawn, then flap flies open under weight of thrown horse dung. What mouthful!"
Saudi Arabia is blessed with oil, which has made it rich. Now, the oil is beginning to run out and the country can see an end to its hitherto-guaranteed prosperity. In contrast, now that finds of the highest grade oil in unimaginable quantities have been located in the top field of Ernie Polkinghorne’s farm in Relubbus, the Greater Relubbus Urban Council has found yet another source of riches to add to the industrial and economic engines that power Relubbus on to the top of all global league tables.
Fumbling urgently with his favourite goat, which had trotted in, Terry went on to say, "We humble Ayrabs again -- not cause trouble. We lead quiet life in tent with woman, boy, goat and camel. We don’t bother, you don’t bother. We need protection of Relubbus against world. That why I here, Walahi Bilahi. I love you all".
LONELY HEARTS THAT YEARN FOR YOU!
If you are an unattached male and have been looking for someone you can take home to show your mother, then this is surely the chance that you have been waiting for!
Rebecca Tregurtha (23) is a delightful girl, who has led a quiet, indeed sheltered, life.
A receptionist for a double glazing firm, she lives at home in Hayle with "my Mum and Dad". She has her own car, a Morris Minor Traveller, which she calls "Tickles".
She is a young lady of unexpected talents. She can play "The flight of the Bumble Bee" on her mouth organ and has a strong liking for 19th century Russian Literature, which she reads in the original. For amusement, she likes tripping up blind people and, when the sun is strong enough, she likes "sizzling" ants with her magnifying glass. She has never had a boyfriend, but now believes the time is right and so she is looking for Mr Right! Is that you? If so, write to Box 5634.
Agnes Treveor (32) of Goldsithney is a young lady with love and motorbikes on her mind. She is a fully qualified bike mechanic and has lovingly built by hand the bike shown with her on the left. Orphaned and living -- on benefit -- alone in a caravan, without ever having had a relationship, she would like to meet a man who will share her interests and her life.
Agnes' interests are playing noughts and crosses, doing Latin crosswords and what she calls "insect games". This is her favourite activity and consists of the capture and dissection of live insects. If you fancy spending time with Agnes, write to Box 4781.
Ladies, if you ever dreamed of becoming a queen, then this your chance! By day, Ronald "Lumpy" Treglown (45) is a plumbing and heating engineer, with his own business based at the Upper Relubbus Business Park; but by night Lumpy is a King in his own right. He has declared the Nancledra shed in which he lives his "kingdom" and now seeks a queen to share his realm. His mother, Lydia, has run him up a nice set of kingly regalia, which are now his only non-working clothes.
Lumpy is a man of many parts and spends many a happy evening composing poetry in ancient Greek or in scalding one of his many pet budgerigars. (He has to keep replacing them as the scalding process tends to be fatal -- but "its fun while they last!")
Lumpy has had a number of women in the past and so has a particular wish list of attributes in his chosen queen. She should be a good pasty cook and not say much. ("Better if she’s dumb, really!" says Lumpy.) The shed is basic, so not much is required in terms of housekeeping skills, but she should keep the outside toilet clean. Water supply in the shed is dependent upon the munificence of heaven, so she should be able to look after the water butt, so Lumpy has enough for his monthly bath ("I wain’t get work, if I smell too ‘igh!").
Lumpy has a high requirement for physical love and so is hoping for strong interest -- soon. Impatient ladies should write in to Box 4982.
Billy Pender (spelt with a "P", not a "B", as Billy, most insistently maintains) is a 48-year-old double glazing fitter from Penalverne Estate in Penzance, who is wondering how love has come to pass him by. Known about town by his distinctive Rococco hairpiece, Billy lives at home with his widowed and very indulgent mother, Dot (76), who likes "to feed’un up".
Billy likes watching television with his mother and also enjoys bingo with her and her friends. Billy has not yet had a girlfriend but, thanks to the wonders of the internet, is already sure that he will be "into copropholia". He is immensely proud of his now extensive collection of bottled interesting smells collected from a variety of people and places over the years. Clearly, collecting from some people, such as the Pope, the Queen, and Baroness Thatcher has demanded great ingenuity and could have involved prosecution, if he had been caught. But Billy is nothing if not inventive and resourceful and has been able to make great use of his "cover" as a double glazing fitter.
If you are a young lady, who would like to enter this world of derring do and stand at Billy’s side, then Box 4529 is the one for you.
IN THE NEXT BUMPER ISSUE
- EXCLUSIVE: RELUBBUS TO BECOME 51st US STATE!
- ROMAN COLONY FOUND IN RELUBBUS!
- ANOTHER HIT FOR YOUNG WIVES' THEATRE GROUP!
- ANOTHER SUCCESS FOR RELUBBUS BALLET ACADEMY
- INSIDE THE PAPUA NEW GUINEA EMBASSY IN RELUBBUS
- Our socially-responsible "LONELY HEARTS" section
- And much, much more!
