Celebrated Newlyn violinist and inventor, Tamsin Oleander Pengelly-Saunders (29), who likes to be known as TOPS, is required to appear before magistrates in Relubbus on a string of charges including causing actual bodily harm.
Not content with her musical career, which has taken her right round West Penwith -- and even for a whole season to the famed Relubbus Hippodrome, which will have netted her a tidy sum adjacent to at least £594 -- she has also been spending time at her Gurnards Head “Small Man Surgery”.
She has invented – and patented – a steam powered ‘developer’, which she claims will help challenged gentlemen “to grow significantly in areas in which significant growth will be appreciated”. Having conducted extensive testing with mice - one of which survived, she came up with 'the answer'.
The evil device in question is pictured on the left.
Her first client, Rodney Clemo (42) of 18 Colinsey Road in Penzance, had grown tired of the relentless belittling he had been subjected to at school and in his job, where, as a fireman, he was required to take showers with other men. He had acquired the nickname “microscope” and had grown heartily sick of the matter. He was therefore only too keen to stump up his life savings of £32,000 to be the first to try TOPS’s patented device, the Begrubulator.
No sooner than he had inserted himself inside the device than he became trapped. The steam built up, the heat built up and in seconds Clemo was in absolute agony. It was only when his firefighter colleagues arrived (to his great and enduring embarassment!) that he could be rescued and ferried to hospital. Clemo is pictured on the left. Whilst bandaging is only required in his nether regions, he has, for shame, insisted on being bandaged from head to foot.
TOPS meanwhile is completely shocked, saying “I am completely shocked!” Police have raided the Gurnards Head premises and confiscated the device. The Roundup will report further on the development of this case.
Denzil Mevagissey (55), a milkman of Tolcarne in Newlyn, is a man whose name is rarely out of the high society pages in West Penwith.
His dress sense is legendary and, whilst he chooses to make little of his innate stylishness (“I jes’ threw it on”), what he wears today is worn throughout Cornwall by the fashionable tomorrow.
He is a patron of the Swordfish Inn, where he likes to take an evening drink between 5 pm and 11pm, at which time he is carried home by loyal retainers and hangers-on. Staff at the Inn are used to its being picketed by fashion photographers -- all eager to be the first to be able to obtain a snap of what the great man is now wearing.
Denzil is a modest man of limited ambitions. At home, he is content with the company of his two budgies, “Pinky and Perky’. No woman is required to give his home a female touch – it relaxes in a permanent and only mildly pungent easy male lassitude.
Denzil does enjoy the comfort he obtains from his roll-ups and the brown-stained fingers of his right hand provide ample testimony to the frequency with which he ‘smokes a choker’.
Now, however, the notoriety of this ‘man of style’ has been elevated yet further by the deathbed confession of his mother, Agnes (94), that Denzil is the lovechild of none other than Lamorna lothario, Uriah “Ukelele” Uren (pictured here on the left - with a banjo - to show his versatility!).
Uren, who died some fifty years ago, charmed his way into the heart of many a young Cornishwoman. Indeed, some geneticists maintain that such was his charm – and his spellbinding speed with his trouser buttons - that he fathered 10% of all the children born in West Penwith between 1948 and 1958, when he died ‘of trouser exhaustion’. Few can deny that there are many folk born in this period who have the traditional ‘Uren nose’.
If so many folk were indeed fathered by the ubiquitous Uren, some may wonder why Agnes should have felt that her experience of a Uren knee-trembler was so different. As Agnes herself claimed, “I seduced ov un, I was the first, I was!!”
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The Sancreed branch of the Methodist Fundamentalist Young Women’s League (Armed Division) has fallen below its desired number of 500 members and is now appealing for young 
women of a Methodist persuasion to apply for membership. Applicant females are required to foreswear ‘drinkon’, dancon’ and all other works of the devil'. They must be between 18 and 24, be handy with a gun, but must never ever have been within 50 yards of an unrelated male, unless he was dead.
The young ladies spend their exciting evenings listening to Radio Cornwall, assembling and disassembling their guns, making St Piran flags in crochet and knitwear, engaging in light-hearted banter and holding farting competitions. If you are a young lady who fits the bill, and likes the bill of fare, then telephone Morwenna Rosewarne on Sancreed 74562.
PEOPLE IN THE NEWS
RELUBBUS ENERGY SOLUTIONS
Brought to you by restless inventor, Len Pascoe
Len Pascoe is a man who likes to think out of the box (and indeed has done so ever since he was released from the box in which he was -- erroneously, he says -- confined by the state). He is a man who likes to think big and he is a man with a dream, who believes in STEAM, which is why he founded RELUBBUS ENERGY SOLUTIONS.
The thought kept him awake all night. It had to be the solution – Steam Power. He used steam power for everything – now he would enable others to do so as well!!
He brushed his teeth with a steam-powered toothbrush so powerful that it had taken out two of his wisdom teeth!
He sat on his steam-powered ‘vacuum–clean’ toilet, which had already removed one of his bollocks, but had left, as usual, his arse absolutely squeaky clean. His supportive and inspired Methodist Minister, when told of the incident, had gushed enthusiastically “Boy, so that’s the reason He gave us two!”
Pictured on the left is the sort of woman who would probably use RELUBBUS ENERGY SOLUTIONS in her home!!
Steam power was clearly the answer to the world’s power problems and his fertile mind began to focus on other obvious applications for this power source.
Thoughts began to stream into his mind... A steam-powered automated ear cleaner might be a boon to those wishing to keep their hands free for other purposes while their ears were being rhythmically scraped and pumped clean of all foreign matters. (Of course, for hygiene’s sake he would have to offer to change the cleaning head once every two years).
Or perhaps ladies would appreciate a steam-powered washing machine similar to but, of course, not the same, as the one he had created for his mother. (God rest her soul!, but at least she died clean, which would have been very important to her).
Thinking of other applications, he mused that when the hand that rocks the cradle becomes a little tired, then parents might want to pass the job on to the cast-iron comfort of the cradle rocker. (60 shuddering shakes a minute will keep baby occupied!)
That was all long ago. Now his solutions are there for everyone to use.
So you can come to RELUBBUS ENERGY SOLUTIONS
FOR THE FOLLOWING STEAM-POWERED ITEMS:
- Cradle-rocker £3,213
- Ear cleaner £4,512
- Washing machine £3,298
- Vacuum-clean toilet £7,456 (Think – no paper – ever again!!)
- Toothbrush £1,863
- Breast milk extractor £4,789
- Ladies’ Depilator £5,281
- Lawnmower £8,945
- Steam car (seating driver + 1 passenger or £74,876 one piece of baggage
- Sinus cleaner £6,402
- Kettle £87,912
NB The ‘Ladies’ friend’ and the ‘Gents’ Vacuum Developer’ have both been temporarily withdrawn from the market following the injuries sustained by Mr and Mrs Hollis of the The Close, Treneere, Penzance. Readers will be re-assured to hear that Mr Pascoe has personally underwritten 5% of the costs of the necessary reconstructive surgery for the Hollises.
Each of the appliances above requires its own power source as pictured on the left.It will also require its own fully trained steam operative.
These can be supplied by RELUBBUS ENERGY SOLUTIONS at an annual rental cost of only £157,000!!
